Oh what fun it is to see West Ham win away!

Arsenal 0 West Ham 2 (two)

It's off to the Library where Big Joe has secured a box, accompanied by Danny the Millwall fan and Andy the Gooner. We pass Tony Adams wearing an orange suit on the carpets outside, while inside the box there's Bud or Camden Hells on offer and a cup of tea for Joe. Our host says the curtains have to be drawn before the kick-off, which we say is often the best way to watch West Ham at the Emirates.

Then it's out on to the seats in the corner opposite the West Ham fans. We're not optimistic as the Irons are without first-choice centre backs Zouma and Aguerd. For 13 minutes it's all Arsenal attacks. But then in West Ham's first real break Emerson gets a cross in, it's headed across goal by an Arsenal defender and Jarrod Bowen plays it back across the box from right on the line. Tomas Soucek is there to prod it home and a VAR pause rules that there's no proof the whole of the ball went out of play. 

Have we just made them angry by taking the lead? It looks ominous when Paqueta goes off with a knee injury and is replaced by Benrahma. Areola makes a great one-handed save from Saka's header.Then a loose ball from Alvarez lets in Saka to shoot against the base of Areola's post. But Emerson and Coufal are managing Martinelli and Saka pretty well and Alvarez is doing a great job in front of the back four, while Bowen and Kudus offer an outlet to take off the pressure, and it's still 1-0 to the Hammers at the break. I exchange furtive messages with Agent Lola who is also among the home fans.

The second half begins with more Arsenal pressure, but on 55 minutes West Ham win a corner at our end. Ward-Prowse slings over another pinpoint delivery and there is Konstantinos Mavropanos to head home against his former club. Blimey. Have we scored the second too early though?

"WHERE'S THE W**KER WITH THE DRUM?"

A great bit of skill from Odegaard sets up White to cross, but Jesus heads over. Then Trossard fires against Areola's legs. But Dinos Mavropanos and Angelo Ogbonna, who looked so vulnerable at Anfield, are suddenly forming an impregnable back line. The whole side is working massively hard, even if I'm still worried by the fear of three late goals.

The Irons fans start to enjoy themselves as Declan Rice is misplacing passes."Two-nil down, Two-nil down, Declan Rice!" chant the away crew, along with "You should have signed for a big club!"  And then it's "Champions of Europe, we know what we are!" Plus a rousing rendition of "Where's the wanker with the drum?"

Arsenal are not going top. Benrahma makes a few decent breaks and Bowen works tremendously hard up front. With the last action of the game Declan Rice brings down Emerson for a penalty. Surely it cant be 3-0? No, it isn't, as Benrahma's penalty is a good height for Raya to save. 

So it ends with a famous 2-0 victory, our first at the Emirates since 2015, and David Moyes' first win at Arsenal in 23 attempts. Joe and myself retreat into the box for a final drink and cockney knees-up as the players salute the ecstatic away fans. A tactical masterclass from Moyes and his men. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 8; Coufal 7, Mavropanos 8, Ogbonna 7, Emerson 8; Alvarez 9, Paqueta 6 (Benrahma 7), Ward-Prowse 8, Soucek 8; Kudus 7, Bowen 8.

Oh what fun it is to see West Ham win at home

West Ham 2 Manchester United 0

The big news is that Fraser, Nigel and myself are all sporting West Ham Christmas jumpers, perhaps a case of three unwise men. Michael the Whovian is at home with Covid and his ticket has gone to my daughter Lola, whose last game was the 5-1 defeat to Newcastle. Up against an out of form United, what could possibly go wrong?

The first half is poor. Emerson has an early shot saved but both sides lack rhythm. Late on Kudus's poor back pass sees a chance created for Garnacho, who fires against Areola in a one-on-one. Antony sends over a dangerous cross. The Fonz then has a wobble as he fumbles Mainoo's tame effort wide of the post.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time in an attempt to inspire the lads. It's hard to get an atmosphere going for a 12.30pm kick-off but the West Han fans respond as the side improves in the second half. Bowen's header from a corner is athletically tipped over by Onana.

It takes a brilliant ball over the top from Paqueta to make the breakthrough on 72 minutes. Bowen runs through and fires against Onana but bobbles the ball back in after Onana gets a hand to it. West Ham are indeed massive.

It's two six minutes later when Mainoo lets the ball roll under his foot and Paqueta sends the gift through to Kudus, Mo still has two defenders in front of him but expertly fires into the corner. Then he sits on the hoardings. Matt thinks it will be a long journey back to Surrey for the Man United fans. Another plus is the clean sheet and a decent game from Mavropanos alongside Zouma. 

So it's thirty points for the Hammers and some vindication for the weakened side at Anfield. Merry Christmas, one and all!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 6, Zouma 7, Mavropanos 7 Emerson 7; Soucek 6, Paqueta 8, Alvarez 7, Ward-Prowse 6; Bowen 8 (Fornals n/a), Kudus 8 (Johnson n/a).

The quality of Mersey is not restrained

Liverpool 5 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

This was always going to be a difficult tie and an evening in front of Sky made for pretty horrible viewing. Moyes rested Paqueta, Ward-Prowse, Aguerd, Zouma, and Emerson. This was a tie WHU were always likely to lose even with a full-strength side and with Man United and Arsenal coming up there was always going to be some rotation. Though disrupting the back four so much certainly backfired.

Liverpool looked at it from the start with Jones and Elliott busy in midfield and West Ham barely putting together a forward pass. Ominously Liverpool's squad forwards are Gakpo and Nunez. The opener came when Benrahma lost possession, Johnson failed to close down and Szoboslai fired home a long-range screamer. It was a relief to be just one-goal down at the break.

The killer goal came just as Paqueta was preparing to come on. Soucek failed to track Jones and the Liverpool midfielder fired through Areola's legs. The third saw Konate get through the midfield with embarrassing ease and find Gakpo. Mavropanos tried to do one of those silly arms behind the back tackles and the ball went through his legs and into Areola's net.

There was a little hope when Johnson found Bowen with a decent chip, Jarrod cut inside Quansah and curled a great shot into the net. But it got even worse when Mavropanos advanced too far forward and Trent-Alexander played a fine through ball to Salah, who scored with ease having earlier missed the target after Nunez hit the post.

The fifth was very poor indeed with Jones slaloming through the defence and Mavropanos and Ogbonna bamboozled. 

Liverpool did play really well. But it was tough on the 5000 travelling fans and proof that a lot of our squad players aren't good enough. Fornals and Benrahma have gone backwards, Mavropanos is raw and Ogbonna and Ings look too old. Our tired squad could do without a 12.30 kick-off on Saturday. Let's hope the rotation brings a better performance against MUFC.

Wolves tamed by Kudus and Paqueta's hat-trick of assists

West Ham 3 Wolves 0

The big news at the London Stadium is that Nigel has a new lucky Christmas West Ham jumper, gifted by CQ's nephew. Fraser has passed a late fitness test, Matt and Lisa are taking in just the one game this weekend, while eventually The Gav joins us after delays en route. Having seen Peter Pan at Ilford MIchael is presumably away at another pantomime that isn't at the London Stadium.

Craig Ballon D'Orson gets a good reception from the home fans. The Irons start off with a barrage of corners testing the Wolves defence and Kudus making some great runs. The away side come into it a bit more, but it's from a Wolves corner that West Ham score. Lucas Paqueta bravely wins a header and then has the vision to play a great ball out to Mohammed Kudus. Mo has two defenders in front of him but gets inside his man to fire home a low shot. Wolves' reserve keeper Bentley should perhaps have got a stronger hand to it, but it's still a fine strike. 

Kudus and Paqueta sit on the hoardings having a chat by way of celebration, in front of the bemused Black Country away crew. "Just sold my bus to Mohammed Kudus!" suggests Fraser

The second sees Zouma intercept and find Lucas, who again plays a lovely ball up to Kudus. He outspeeds Dawson and the Wolves defence to make the finish look easy. 

Paqueta starts to do some party tricks. Cunha has an effort well saved by Fabianski, but it's nearly three when Paqueta finds Bowen who pings a shot against the inside of the post that then rolls across the goal-line. Gary O'Neil gets booked protesting after an elbow from RoboCop Coufal merits no punishment. 

After the break West Ham suffer their customary inertia. Wolves attack for a dodgy 15 minutes and think they gave pulled one back when Sarabia taps home. But after an interminable VAR delay it's ruled out for being marginally offside.

That's a warning to West Ham not to sit back. Just as Mystic Matt is saying we can't get Bowen into the game, the West Ham man plays a beautiful one-two with Paqueta and races towards the Wolves goal. Even when faced by two defenders he still manages to find the far corner. Three-nil to the Cockney Boys and three assists for Paqueta.

There's still time for Ward-Prowse to send a free kick just past the post as I wonder if "Just sold my house to James Ward-Prowse!" might take off as a chant. Lisa leaves ten minutes early to get to work and misses not-very-exciting cameos from Ings and Mubama as Moyes sees the game out. A welcome change to beat someone comfortably at home and even keep a clean sheet. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 6 (Kehrer n/a), Zouma 6, Aguerd 6, Emerson 7; Alvarez 7 (Fornals 5), Soucek 6, Paqueta 9 (Mubama n/a), Ward-Prowse 7; Bowen 8, Kudus 8 (Ings n/a).

We're top of the mini-league!

West Ham 2 SC Freiburg 0 (Europa League)

It's down to the diehards at the London Stadium. Matt and Lisa have returned from Paris, I've made it from a mini-break in Edinburgh and Big Sam is present despite staying up all night at a party after some clay-pigeon shooting, as young folk do. Fraser is unwell, Nigel is AWOL on a mysterious visit to Felixstowe and Michael is probably mingling with the great and good.

Moyes has sensibly given our exhausted squad two days off, though the side also seemed to take the afternoon off at Fulham. The side looks refreshed tonight and Paqueta, who has been carrying an injury according to the Evening Standard, and Kudus in particular look in the mood.

Kudus breaks down tHe left and pulls the ball back for Paqueta to whack a thunderous shot against the bar. The Hammers take the lead when Alvarez, who was badly missed at Fulham, plays a fine ball over the Freiburg defence for Kudus to control and calmly slip past Atubolu.

Bowen has a goal disallowed, correctly, for offside, but it's soon two. Alvarez plays a delightful one-two with Bowen and gets forward to fire home It's Edson's first goal for the Hammers and proof he is more than just a defensive enforcer.

We've played so well we don't even need Nigel's lucky banana at half-time. The second half sees Paqueta set up Emerson for a shot that is blocked by the keeper, Coufal plays in a great cross that Bowen nudges over when he should score, and Kudus fire just wide of the post. West Ham are massive, apparently

The game peters out as Moyes starts to rest players. We wonder if he's been at the Christmas sherry when he brings on two strikers in Ings and Mubama. Fabianski has to make good saves from Rohl and Doan late on, but generally the Irons do a professional job in seeing the game out. Credit to the Freiburg fans too for some epic bouncing and swaying and creating a lot of noise.

Matt, Lisa and myself head off on the Overground where we meet Big Joe. Then we head from Highbury and Islington to the House of Hammerton on Holloway Road to enjoy a late-night sampling of Tint Nitro Stout and assorted fruity beers.

An important result as it means West Ham avoid two extra play-off games against Champions League drop-outs and go straight into the next round by winning the group. Topping our groups three seasons running is a big achievement for Moyes and a much-needed tonic after the Fulham debacle. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 7 (Kehrer n/a), Mavropanos 6, Aguerd 6, Emerson 7; Soucek 6, Alvarez 8 (Fornals 6), Paqueta 7 (Mubama 5), Ward-Prowse 7; Kudus 8 (Cornet n/a), Bowen 7 (Ings 5).

There's only one F in Fulham

Fulham 5 West Ham 0 

Luckily I was away in Edinburgh for this one. Clearly the Spurs win took a lot of energy from the players and the side never looked at it for this. A Ward-Prowse free kick saved and a Bowen shot early doors promised better. But once the defence sat too deep and allowed Jimenez to score with a header it was all over. Only Harry Wilson's goal was a great effort, the rest saw some pretty horrific defending. The fifth was a simple ball over the top and Sunday league stuff. 

Benrahma had one decent effort at the keeper late on, but it was a dismal day all round.The ill Alvarez was badly missed and the five extra games in Europe seem to have left the players exhausted. This was a game too far and we require much better against Freiburg on Thursday. Nurse, the screens.

It's happened again...

Tottenham Hotspur 1 West Ham 2 

The Number 8 pub is heaving with Spurs fans before the game where we drink N17 and have to listen to choruses of "When the Spurs go marching in." 

Agents Nigel and myself are among the Spurs fans behind the goal thanks to Nigel's mate Andy, both having had to borrow non-claret hats from our wives. Though Nigel is wearing his lucky West Ham socks.

It's my first visit to Spurs new stadium, which is indeed impressive, though it could do with a running track. Fabianski is in for the injured Areola and Zouma is back for the Hammers. Matt and Lisa are in Marseille on a mini-break and watching Match of Ze Day in the British Lounge Pub.

The first half is one-way traffic as Spurs' free-flowing football puts West Ham under endless pressure. After 11 minutes Romero gets between two defenders to score with a looping header from a corner. It looks like being a long evening. Johnson is causing problems for Coufal, though from our position we get to appreciate the work Alvarez does intercepting danger and shielding the defence. 

Fabianski has to tip over a rasping shot from Lo Celso and then Zouma turns Johnson's cross on to the outside of his post. Johnson fires rather tamely at Fabianski when through on the left but Spurs don't really create that many clear-cut chances

There's a brief flurry from West Ham before the break as Kudus gets in a great cross that Paqueta, in lots of space, heads wide of the post. In the concourse we anticipate a miserable walk back along Tottenham High Road after the game though Andy says that at one-nil anything could still happen.

West Ham start the second half with much more intensity coming forward. Seven minutes into the half Bowen does well to shield the ball from two defenders and find Kudus. Mo's shot ricochets off two defenders and into the path of Bowen who has run into the box. Jarrod lifts it past the keeper and runs to the joyous away fans. Nigel has to restrain himself in our Spurs seats. That was the bit of luck we needed. 

"Champions of Europe, you'll never sing that!" sing the West Ham fans."F**king West Ham muppets with their Johnstone Paint trophy!" mutters the Spurs fan behind me.

At 1-1 Spurs sub Richarlison heads a good chance wide and Porro forces a good save from Fabianski. But Moyes' rope-a-dope tactics pay off. Spurs look to have punched themselves out and there are spaces behind Spurs high-line defence. A good passing move ends with Paqueta shooting rather tamely at the keeper.

On 74 minutes Udogie plays a blind back-pass to Vicario. Bowen has anticipated it and the keeper can only punch out to James Ward-Prowse. His first shot hits the post but James follows up for a tap-in as the offside Bowen runs out of the way. Prowsey runs to the away fans and does his golf shot celebration. Blimey. It's Cavaliers 1 Roundheads 2. It's all gone very Spursy indeed.

"It's happened again!" announce the gleeful Irons fans. There's a nervy 20 minutes to get through but the five subs Postecoglou throws on make little difference, On 89 minutes West Ham force a corner and Vicario has to claw Soucek's header off the line. Extra time is tense as VAR checks for a possible Zouma handball but that's Spurs only real chance. There seems to be a fire drill to judge by the empty seats around us. 

The lads dig in for a great smash and grab away win. There's dancing in the pubs of Marseille. Nigel even predicts that we're staying up. And it's a much happier walk along Tottenham High Road in the wet than we anticipated. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 6. Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6; Alvarez 7, Ward-Prowse 8, Soucek 6, Paqueta 6; Kudus 7 (Fornals n/a), Bowen 8.

Kurt robbed

So that's why Kurt Zouma missed the Palace game. Sympathy to Kurt and his family who were burgled at midnight while they were at home in an incident straight out of The Sweeney. David Sullivan and the club have put up a reward of £25k for information leading to the gang's arrest. And the tea-leaves arguably cost West Ham two points by ensuring Zouma stayed at home. Which is another good reason for dobbing them in.  

Dinos error gifts point to Palace

West Ham 1 Crystal Palace 1

In the London Stadium Fraser has returned from Berlin, where he's been re-creating the creative highs of David Bowie, Iggy Pop and Lou Reed, before returning home to see a Bon Jovi tribute band, as you do. Matt, Lisa and Nigel have been to the even more exotic destination of Burnley, while with Michael absent attending to his folios, we're joined by Big Sam.

After applause for El Tel the game begins. West Ham start slowly but take the lead on 13 minutes with a quality goal. Ward-Prowse sweeps the ball out wide to Coufal, who pulls back for Kudus to shoot home, with the aid of a slight deflection.

But as ever WHU struggle to get the second against Palace and the Eagles threaten at times. They go very close when Andersen's free-kick is deflected just past the post. Kudus and Coufal both have great games, having been rested in midweek, but the rest of the side look weary, with Bowen not quite match-fit. Paqueta infuriates the normally phlegmatic Nigel by showboating and attempting an Ernie-Hunt style donkey kick on the touchline (that's one for the older readers).

After the break it seems West Ham have scored a second as Kudus' cross drifts past Johnstone, only for Tomas Soucek to be adjudged to have been interfering with the keeper's line of vision. 

Almost inevitably Palace come back into it. Paqueta gives away a free kick and Edouard almost heads in from it, thwarted by a block from Ward-Prowse. Then Dinos Mavropanos woefully underhits his back pass to Alvarez rather than play the ball forward. Edouard intervenes, rounds Alvarez and strikes it into the corner. The Palace fans start bouncing and singing "you sold your soul for this shithole!", which isn't very original. 

The home crowd get frustrated as Moyes refuses to bring on any subs. For the first time in recorded history Matt asks for Comet to come on. In desperate circumstances, Nigel eats his lucky banana.

To be fair the Hammers do have a go late on. Mavropanos heads wide from a corner and Kudus causes problems with his mazy dribbling. A superb pass from Paqueta sees Emerson volley over when a forward might have scored.

Moyes waits until the 89th minute to bring on Fornals, much to the chagrin of the Vicar's Son. West Ham almost get another late winner as Ward-Prowse plays in a fine cross which no-one has anticipated. The ball falls to Fornals on the left who crosses for Bowen to head straight into the arms of Johnstone. 

The rain pours down after a poor match as we head to the Eagle. To be slightly positive we might have lost this game last season. At least there is warmth and East London Pale Ale inside, where we're joined by Nigel's Palace-supporting mate, who is sporting a classic 1970s Palace shirt as worn by Don Rogers. We have a good chat about the Mullery versus Venables rivalry between Brighton and Palace and the so-called "team of the Eighties", who actually weren't.

So all we have to do is win at Spurs on Thursday and two points dropped here won't seem so bad. What could possibly go wrong?

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Coufal 8, Mavropanos 5, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6;  Soucek 6, Alvarez 6 (Fornals n/a), Ward-Prowse 6, Paqueta 6; Kudus 8, Bowen 5.

Soucek strikes late again in Backa beyond

TSC Backa Topola 0 West Ham 1 (Europa League)

It's a long trip to Serbia for the lads and another night in front of TNT for me. The first half is poor with West Ham in third gear and missing the absent Bowen, Antonio, Kudus, Alvarez, Zouma and Emerson. Benrahma does manage to send a tame shot at the keeper and at the other end Backa can't score even when Cresswell plays a pass straight to the opposition. At least Dinos Mavropanos has a decent game at the back, but we look laboured. 

The second half sees West Ham continue to struggle to break down the home side. Benrahma has one of his frustrating games, Paqueta doesn't get going, Fornals is peripheral and young Divin Mubama works hard up front with little service.

In an effort to inspire more urgency Moyes brings on Cornet, Ings, Emerson and Kehrer. West Ham win a series of corners and free kicks, but it looks like being a bore draw. That's until the 88th minute when Maxwel Cornet, wide on the right cuts inside on to his left foot to send over a great cross that Tomas Soucek volleys home at the back stick. 

Tomas has now scored three late winners in a row (plus two goals for the Czech Republic) and does his customary twirl towards the away fans. it was a good moment for Cornet too, particularly as my pal Matt is probably dining on his West Ham bobble hat after Maxi got an assist.

So West Ham go top and just have to draw against Freiburg to win the group. Not a great performance but it's not easy winning with squad players either. And that's five wins out of the last six games - Moyesball is certainly getting results and the players keep going to the end. Irons!

Late double secures win at Turf Moor

Burnley 1 West Ham 2

We're getting to an away match thanks to Nigel's old university chum David, a Burnley fan living in Brighton, who has acquired tickets for Burnley's 1882 Lounge. 

It's an early start to catch the 8.30am train from Euston accompanied by The Gav. We change at Preston and discover that it's a rail replacement bus service (four of the most dreaded words in the English language) to Burnley. This takes us on a scenic tour through Blackburn and Accrington before we finally find Burnley nestling among the hills of northern England. It's a slow walk across the town centre and down Harry Potts Way to the main stand.

Here we meet Big Joe who has hot-footed it from a comedy gig in Leeds and the rest of the Irons gang, Nigel, Carolyn, Matt and Lisa who have been staying at a hotel in Kelbrook (where Edward Woodward stayed when filming The Wicker Man), along with the West Ham social media team, plus Michael who is enthusing about the cultural attractions of Burnley after a night in the Premier Inn. 

PASS THE BENEDICTINE

The 1882 Lounge has a series of circular tables with white table-cloths, a pay bar, curry for a tenner and free programmes. And it's much warmer than the concourse. Everyone is very friendly and our compere is a man with a Bill Bailey haircut and a Peter Kay accent. Matt and Lisa are knocking back the pre-match Benedictine. Burnley's links to Benedictine go back to world war one when soldiers from the Accrington Pals regiment developed a taste for it in France. Gavin and myself opt for pints of Wainwright, named after the famous fell-walker from Blackburn. The Gav then has to use all his charm with a waitress to secure a promise of possible pies at half-time.

We're all having a nice time in the warmth when a football match intervenes. We've got excellent seats right on the half way line and it's strange to be so close to the action. You feel you could easily run on to the pitch and mis-time a pass in the fashion of the Hammers. Fraser must be gutted to be missing a close-up view of David Moyes prowling his technical area.

West Ham never get going in a poor first half and the exertions of the international break have left the team looking jaded and lacking Bowen and Antonio. "Cum on Burnlee!" chant the home fans, sensing a first home win. The lively Koleosha works Areola and Rodriguez just fails to connect with an inviting cross. Late on there's a VAR penalty appeal after Coufal makes contact with the flying Koleosha, though thankfully it's deemed no foul. West Ham's final ball is awry and Ings is making no impression up front, admittedly with little service.

We retreat back to the 1882 Lounge at half-time where miraculously two pies have appeared for Gavin, which we take up to him in the stand. Just as we're taking our seats West Ham concede the obligatory goal after the break as Burnley are awarded a penalty. Koleosha has again dribbled into the box and the ref rules that Kudus has brought him down, though there's scarcely any contact. It's never a penalty, but Rodriguez duly converts. This calls for drastic measures, as Nigel eats his lucky banana. 

Burnley are now winning all the fifty-fifty balls, with Berge prominent, and this is surely going to be their first home win of the season. "Oh Divin Mubama!" sing the away fans. Moyes acts more quickly than usual, bringing on Mubama and Benrahma after 62 minutes. 

Burnley can't quite kill off the game, even though Zouma is obviously limping. Areola has to produce a fine low save from Amdouni's shot and then Burnley put a free header over the bar from the resulting corner. 

The subs make a difference for West Ham. Benrahma provides some width and Mubama puts himself about a bit as the main striker. It looks like we will huff and puff without scoring. Zouma has a header at the keeper, Paqueta fires an effort over and Beni sends a curler just wide. But even Ward-Prowse's corners are being cleared. 

FINALLY SOME KUDUS FOR HAMMERS

It doesn't look good after 88 minutes, though perhaps it's Nigel's lucky banana or Gavin's lucky pies, but suddenly Mohammed Kudus sparks into life. Faced with four defenders he brilliantly weaves his way past them to cross for a combination of Divin Mubama and Dara O'Shea to deflect the ball into the net. Mubama celebrates as if it's his goal, but it has come off Divin's knee on to O'Shea and into the net. 

At this stage we'll be grateful for a point. But Moyes' side has resilience even when playing badly, and the lads sense a winner in added time. Ward-Prowse's corner is cleared and the ball recycled to Mo Kudus on the right. He cuts inside Berge to waft in an inviting cross. Soucek has lost Jay Rodriguez and Tomas volleys in a fine winner. That's Soucek's sixth goal of the season already.

EUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM

"Champions of Europe we know what we are!" sing the West Ham fans as the Burnley faithful fire invective at their defence. The Clarets have now lost all seven home matches. We've been a bit lucky to get all three points today, but it's a talent to grind out results like this. 

After a post-match cup of tea in the 1882 Lounge we leave Michael to continue to sample the nightlife of the Premier Inn, Joe to return to Shropshire and the others to retreat to their hotel in the hills. 

Gavin and myself head off to the freezing Burnley Manchester Road station, where no rail replacement buses to Preston turn up. A forlorn Gavin sits on a road sign as we experience a Godot-like wait in left behind Britain. The West Ham fans sing a song about Burnley that uses similar language to James Cleverly on Stockton. 

The train company people have scarpered and the police say it's nothing to do with them. Eventually a Travel-line official arrives and says two buses have broken down and a replacement is coming from Leeds. After more than an hour waiting we give up and take a £35 cab to Preston where we make the last train to Euston. My away day has lasted from 8.30am to 11.30pm, but still, it's been worth a long day's journey into night to see an away game and a late smash and grab. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7: Coufal 6, Zouma 6, Aguerd 7, Emerson 5; Alvarez 5 (Benrahma 6), Ward-Prowse 5, Paqueta 5, Soucek 7; Kudus 8, Ings 4 (Mubama 7).

Antonio woe

Well, international duty went well. Antonio is out for two to three weeks, Jarrod Bowen left England duty with an unspecified knee injury and Vladimir Coufal was sent home by the Czech Republic after being pictured in a nightclub on the eve of a game. You suspect Vlad might have got a taste for clubbing after the lads' night out in Prague on June 7; he plays a bit like a Seventies footballer and it's a reassuringly Seventies-style misdemeanour, at least.

There are also rumours Kudus has a knock from playing for Ghana, so we could be well short up front at Burnley. I'd stick in Divin Mubama who deserves a chance and bring on former Claret Danny Ings in the second half to offer him some support. We know Ings can't play the solo striker role but he might yet prosper alongside a target man. Burnley have a terrible home record and WHU have to find a way of being ruthless, injuries or not.

King James

At last James Ward-Prowse is getting some appreciation. Enjoyed this tweet by Henry Winter: "James Ward-Prowse. Cost: £30m. Return: 9 assists, 2 goals in 15 games for #WHUFC. So far. And he brings so much more than dead-ball wizardry; also work ethic, quiet leadership and passing. Low maintenance, high yield." That seems to sum him up perfectly.

While in the Guardian Jonathan Liew wrote a whole column on JWP, wondering just what it is that makes him the Jonny Wilkinson of dead balls. No-one is quite sure what his technique is, but it seems to be working. And at £30million he has to be one of the bargains of the season.

No doubting Tomas in Hammers comeback win

West Ham 3 Nottingham Forest 2

My pre-match organisation is as haphazard as West Ham's defence, with daughter Nell waiting at Block H and myself loitering outside Hackney Wick station. But a late dash to the London Stadium sees us meet up, along with Fraser, Michael, Matt and Lisa. Nigel is away at Liverpool versus Brentford, having paid an arm and a leg to go on a groundhopping expedition with legendary 'hopper Reg. 

Matt helpfully points out that if West Ham lose today David Moyes will have the record for most defeats as a Premier League manager, beating one Harry Redknapp.  

After the Remembrance Day silence and The Last Post the game begins. West Ham take the lead in the third minute as Dominguez's pass deflects off his own man into the path of Lucas Paqueta, just outside the area. Lucas strides on to confidently place the ball into the corner and do some Strictly-style gyrations before buying a few used motors. Matt is quick to discover that this is West Ham's quickest goal since November 2020.

But Forest look a better team than last season and start to gain possession. Toffolo crosses and Areola has to produce a fantastic one-handed save to deny Awoiniyi. West Ham have a chance to make it two when good work by Kudus and Ward-Prowse sees the Hammers break at speed. But Kudus's pass is slightly underhit and Paqueta's effort is straight at the keeper.

The equaliser, predictably enough, arrives just before the interval. Soucek and Kudos aren't strong enough in a midfield tussle and Gibbs-White is released by a fine-through ball having got beyond Emerson. The Forest man's shot is well-saved by Areola, but he can only palm it out for Awoniyi to tap home.

At half-time we realise that we are without Nigel and his lucky banana, which surprisingly makes little difference to the game. Matt takes a straw poll of predictions. Lisa and myself go for 2-1 to the Hammers, Nell opts for 3-1, while pessimists Matt and Michael predict a 2-1 home defeat. 

The second half begins with some Hammers attacks and also another Forest break, as Elenga sets up Awoniyi for a good chance that he slices wide. Forest take the lead when Aina gets down the right and cuts back for Elanga to lose Coufal and fire into the corner. He celebrates by whipping off his short and GPS Vest in front of the Forest fans and gets a yellow card. 

Elanga may well regret his premature celebration as 123 seconds later the Irons win a corner. Ward-Prowse delivers again and Jarrod Bowen gets between two defenders to rise really well and head home. Game back on.

Moyes takes off Alvarez for Antonio, just to confirm to Fraser that he is a gung-ho gaffer. Kudus is looking tired and playing too deep, but Soucek has a storming last half hour. A bad back-header allows him to nip in and volley against the bar when he should probably score. Then another deep free kick from Ward-Prowse sees him get his head to the ball only to be thwarted by a superb save from Vlachodimos. 

BOUNCING SOUCEK

West Ham win endless corners as the crowd gets behind the Hammers after a quiet first half. The game appears to be drifting towards an entertaining 2-2 draw until the 88th minute when Bowen wins a corner. Ward-Prowse swings in another precision ball to the danger area. Soucek gets between two defenders to send a header firmly into the net and wheels away like a man who has just won a year's supply of Czech potato salad.

There's still time for good control from Chris Wood to set up fellow sub Origi for a shot that Areola tips over the bar as the Hammers see out a nervy seven minutes of added time, with Moyes bringing on Ogbonna and Cresswell to waste time. But the Irons hold on for a much-needed win and move up to ninth place. Absolutely always in doubt.

We head off to the Eagle where Michael muses on the homo-erotic undertones in the anniversary screening of The Tomorrow People he's just seen and Chelsea and Man City trade eight goals on the TV. 

So it's a welcome win before the international break. Not an entirely convincing performance, but the excellence of James Ward-Prowse's delivery (17 dead-ball assists from 2020-2021 onwards), Bowen's goal glut and the renaissance of Soucek as a penalty box threat provide something to build on.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 5, Zouma 6, Aguerd 6, Emerson 5; Alvarez 6 (Antonio 5), Ward-Prowse 8, Paqueta 7 (Cresswell n/a), Soucek 8; Kudus 6 (Ogbonna n/a), Bowen 7. 

Just sold my VAR to Lucas Paqueta!

West Ham 1 Olympiakos 0 (Europa League)

Tonight we dine not in Hell, but in the Best Meze Grill. Matt and Lisa have been there since 5.30pm having come straight from William Morris's gaff at Walthamstow. They are sipping the finest wines known to humanity and hoping to see some arts and crafts on the pitch. Matt quotes William Morris' aphorism, "Have nothing in your house you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful", which he feels exemplifies David Moyes' philosophy. 

After dining on mushrooms and halloumi, falafel and chips we head off to the London Stadium where we meet Nigel, carrying a huge sausage, Fraser and Big Sam. Michael is away with his folios.The away end is bouncing and displaying banners which are all Greek to us, making for a good atmosphere. 

It's basically a full-strength Hammers side, minus Zouma and Areola. Mo Kudos is lively early on and gets big cheers for some mazy dribbling, though then picks up a sully booking for shouting at a linesman. Benrahma fires an early shot wide when he should have played in Paqueta, but then Beni, after being found by Paqueta, forces a flying save from Paschalis with a good curling effort. 

Aguerd meets a Ward-Prowse corner only to head at the keeper and Benrahma works an angle to test Paschalis again. But the sides look quite evenly matched and the Hammers struggle to break down the deep defence of the Greek side as Aguerd sends another header wide.

At half-time we discover that Nigel has returned to a fruitless house and has no lucky banana with him, which could mean disaster. The second half sees Podence slice wide and West Ham huff and puff as the crowd demand substitutions. When Bowen does really well to get down the left and cross Ward-Prowse slightly scuffs his shot allowing the keeper to save. 

SUPER LUCAS

"Why can't he control it?" The tension is too much for the Vicar's Son who berates a series of players as Lisa plans a healing trip to San Francisco. On 72 minutes Ward-Prowse cleverly chips over the defence for Paqueta to volley home. The linesman flags instantly and we all think it is obviously offside. But VAR intervenes and it turns out Lucas has timed his run perfectly. He celebrates right in front of the Olympiakos fans. Matt says he's always loved VAR.

There's a scare with five minutes to go as from a corner Camara heads against the post, but otherwise the Hammers hold on fairly comfortably. That leaves the Irons on nine points and top of the group, though Freiburg also have nine points. It's been quite an enjoyable game with the positives including another assist for Ward-Prowse, who has certainly put in an unsung shift for the team. Dinos has been solid at the back after his aberration at Brentford and Alvarez had a much-improved second half.

We head off to the Olde Black Bull, which has a table reserved for "Mad Irish Steve" and Brixton Pale Ale at the bar. Nigel reveals that he's going to Liverpool on Sunday to help his pal Reg complete his 92 league clubs, which sparks a discussion of obscure grounds where we've seen West Ham play - I can throw Hartlepool, Shrewsbury, Rotherham and Gillingham into the mix. 

Overall it's been another good European night and that's nine successive home wins in Europe now. But next up is Forest and it's important to get something from that. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 6, Mavropanos 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6; Alvarez 7 (Soucek 6), Ward-Prowse 8, Paqueta 8, Benrahma 6 (Cornet n/a); Bowen 6, Kudus 7 (Mubama n/a). 

Half-time hangovers

The Guardian's Jacob Steinberg speaks for a lot of fans when he asks, "What exactly does David Moyes say to his players at half-time?" Steinberg points out that after the second-half collapse at Brentford West Ham have "conceded seven goals during the first 20 minutes of the second half this season" and that this feels like a structural fault. The exception was against Arsenal, when the side started the second half strongly for once. If Moyes is telling the players to hold on to what they have then they aren't doing it very well and his caution is counter-productive. Could it be a fitness issue? Or a problem with the collective mindset with the players unable to sustain impetus after the break? Whatever the problem Moyes has to solve it or he will once more be under pressure at West Ham.

Defensive errors cost the Irons

Brentford 3 West Ham 2

It's nailed on that Neal Maupay will end his goal drought against West Ham. The defence misses several chances to clear as the Bees swing cross after cross into the box. Soucek can only head the ball back into the danger area and Maupay heads home for his first goal in 14 months. His last goal came against West Ham too. 

The response from the Hammers is good though. Antonio crosses and Kudus performs a brilliant bicycle kick to level the score with a stunning effort. The Hammers go ahead when Benrahma plays in an enticing cross, Kudus pokes it against the post and Bowen scores the rebound, to create a new record of scoring in six away games in a row. 

It should be 3-1 when neat play from Kudus and Bowen sees Jarrod cross into the box and Antonio get in the way of Benrahma to shoot wide when Said had a tap-in. Benrahma looks exasperated. There's a warning before the break as Brentford come back and Mbuemo shoots just wide.

I'm feeling quite optimistic while getting the scores on my mobile at the Mildmay Club in Stoke Newington, where my pub quiz pal Adrian Whittaker is launching his book Be Glad on the Incredible String Band and lots of old folkies have arrived to play songs from the Sixties. The answer to West Ham's defensive malaise is blowing in the wind, however.

After the break Aguerd concedes a needless corner with a heavy touch. The first corner is cleared but Mbuemo then swings in a dangerous cross. Areola doesn't come for it and Mavropanos, trying to head it over the bar, can only head past Areola in Dowie-esque fashion. Fornals and Ings come on but on 69 minutes the Hammers concede from a long throw. Jensen gets in another fine cross and Collins rises above Aguerd and Coufal to head home. 

The best the Hammers can produce in response is an effort over the bar from Fornals. All that's left is to commiserate with Big Joe who was at the Bus Stop in Hounslow. That's five wins out of five for Brentford against us in the Premier League. At least Moyes sounds annoyed and says that as a player he would have been "disgusted" with himself for not dealing better with the goals.  

Yes, West Ham missed Zouma, Paqueta and Alvarez and played in midweek, but they have to do better than this. Moyes' side has conceded 20 goals so far and should have far more points from the number of goals scored. Aguerd, for all his quality, is making too many errors, Mavropanos is still raw, Areola needs to be more assertive and the full-backs need to concentrate on defending. Dramatic improvement is needed.

You should have stayed with a big club!

West Ham 3 Arsenal 1 (Carabao Cup)

It's the Declan Rice derby with another unusual kick-off time of 7.30pm. Lots of fans seem to have problems with their tickets and there are big delays for the Best Cafe contingent with Mystic Matt missing the first 17 minutes. Nigel, CQ and Fraser make up our number. Ward-Prowse, Zouma and Antonio are rested by the Hammers, while Arsenal play a side of squad players though with plenty of big names like Trossard, Jorginho, Havertz and Nketiah.

"Declan Rice he left 'cos you're shit!" chant the Gunners' fans. The home crowd respond with:"We know what we are... Champions of Europe!" The Arsenal fans have forgotten about our new signing Schadenfreude. 

Fabianski has to tip over a header from Havertz early on. But there's a feeling we can win this under the lights. A fine ball from Alvarez to Kudus sees Arsenal concede a corner. Bowen whips it in and Ben White rises brilliantly to head it in. It's probably best not to dye your hair peroxide blonde if you're going to score an own goal like that. 

Mavroponos starts impressively and makes a great surging run from his own half to win a corner. Trossard crosses for Nketiah to chip over but generally West Ham contain Arsenal well. The Gunners make a lot of passes without really penetrating the Irons defence.

At half-time we enjoy our 1-0 lead and implore Nigel not to eat his lucky banana or indeed his lucky apple as things are going well. Unusually the Hammers come out strongly after the break. Paqueta finds Bowen with a great disguised pass and Jarrod's shot is palmed away by Ramsdale.  

Four minutes into the second half Nayef Aguerd plays a sweeping long ball into the box. Kudus takes a great first touch to beat Zinchenko and with his left foot fires through the legs of Gabriel and into the corner. He turns his back to the crowd and points to his name on his shirt. Now that was quality.

"West Ham are massive!" reverberates round the stadium as Arsenal bring on someone called Declan Rice. He's greeted with mainly cheers and some boos. It's three when Coufal, who has had a storming game, races down the line to cross. Ben White heads out and Bowen fires it back into the net via a slight deflection. That's one goal and an assist for White on his Hammers debut.

Declan Rice is regaled with choruses of "You should have signed for a big club!" though "You should have stayed with a big club!" might be more appropriate. The only worry is that there are 30 minutes left as Arsenal bring on Odegaard, Saka, Martinelli and Tomiyasu. But West Ham see the game out comfortably as Kudus has another good effort deflected wide for a corner. Huge gaps open up in the away end where the part-timers have left.

It's in the 96th minute when Odegaard scores a consolation with the last kick of the game. Mavropanos defends with his hands behind his back again which annoys Matt, but we'll take 3-1. It's very West Ham to lose to Everton and beat Arsenal. Declan gives the West Ham fans a wave at the end which is a nice touch. Maybe he wants to come home.

We meet Big Sam and walk in the rain to the Eagle, which is celebrating its new landlady. There's East London Pale Ale in the fridge and joy in the air as Nigel tells us about seeing two teams with an 'x' in their name (Felixstowe versus Wroxham) and we watch Newcastle thrash Man United on the TV. Then comes the draw for the quarter-finals. We want Port Vale at home but get Liverpool away. 

West Ham never seem to have much luck in the draws for the domestic cups. But still, we've inflicted Arsenal's first defeat of the season. This was so much better than the Everton game. Bowen and Kudus were lively up front, Paqueta was creative throughout, and Alvarez and Soucek mopped up everything in front of the defence. Benrahma was quiet on the left but we looked better balanced overall with Lucas in the middle. Now we need to take this form into the Brentford match. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 7, Mavropanos 7, Aguerd 7, Emerson 7; Soucek 6, Alvarez 7, Paqueta 7, Benrahma 6 (Ward-Prowse n/a); Kudus 8 (Kehrer n/a), Bowen 8.

Lacklustre Hammers succumb to Everton

West Ham 0 Everton 1

It's a strangely early kick-off at 1pm so it's a dash from Hackney Wick to see David Moyes, Geoff Hurst (the last surviving member of the 1966 World Cup winners) and Sean Dyche lay wreaths for Bobby Charlton and Bill Kenwright. 

It's an attacking line-up with Kudus in for Soucek. West Ham create an early chance when Paqueta lobs the ball over Patterson and pulls back for Bowen to scuff the ball wide. It's the sort of chance he normally scores from and that sets the tone.

The game is as grey as Everton's terrible away kit. Tarkowski and Branthwaite are taking no prisoners at the back for Everton. Matt quizzes us on the two Everton players who have both got hat-tricks against West Ham - who are Dominic Calvert-Lewin and Jack Harrison. A melee erupts when Kudus objects to Tarkowski's late tackle, Pickford rushes from his goal to get involved and is loudly jeered by the Bobby Moore Stand. Paqueta is lucky not to give a goal away when he loses possession and Harrison breaks, only to shoot straight at Areola.

West Ham don't really know how to play against another counter attacking team. Antonio is getting no change from the giant Branthwaite. The BBC reports one fan saying at half-time, "it's two teams both trying hard to lose." 

HALLOWEEN HORROR

After the break Ward-Prowse delivers a decent free-kick but Bowen puts a free header over the bar. Pickford still hasn't been tested. On 51 minutes the impressive Branthwaite wins a tussle with Antonio and sets up Harrison to play a one-two with Calvert-Lewin. The Everton striker takes a great first touch to spin past Aguerd and Zouma and fire into the far corner. Then we discover the real reason for our poor showing - Nigel has forgotten his lucky banana. 

Fraser contemplates ordering another pitch invasion against a Sean Dyche side. Bowen volleys a half-chance over but the side looks tired after the trip to Greece and we're missing the suspended Emerson's attacking runs. Everton nearly make it two when both centre backs go for the same ball. Everton win the header and Doucoure races through. He's denied by a brilliant stop from Areola. 

Kudus has worked hard but Bowen is strangely out-of-sorts, while Alvarez starts to give the ball away. Soucek and Benrahma come on for Antonio and Ward-Prowse and the Hammers improve marginally. Benrahma struggles to get past his full-back, but late on produces a great volley from Paqueta's cross, only to be denied by Pickford. It's a rare shot on target.

We succumb to the inevitable 1-0 defeat and the side's form is starting to get worrying. Everton defended excellently, and Thursday-Sunday football isn't easy, but then again none of the back four started in Athens and we created very little. Things need to improve and quickly.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 6, Zouma 6, Aguerd 5, Cresswell 6 (Ings n/a); Alvarez 5, Ward-Prowse 5 (Soucek 6), Paqueta 6, Kudus 6; Antonio 5 (Benrahma 6), Bowen 5.

Fortounis not always hiding as Hammers' Euro run ends

Olympiakos 2 West Ham 1 (Europa League)

It's a 5.45pm trip to the Old Dairy with Lisa for this, where we wait for a tardy Matt, who has been delayed by dodgy Tory MPs. The team is worrying, as Coufal is injured and Aguerd, Zouma, Alvarez, Paqueta, Bowen and Antonio are all on the bench for this difficult fixture. 

"Tonight you dine in Hell" reads the huge banner behind the goal. At the London Sradium we can hopefully respond with a banner reading, "Tonight you dine in the Best Meze Cafe."

The squad players don't do themselves many favours and struggle to cope with steady Olympiakos pressure and the raucous crowd. Areola has to make a decent low save and the Hammers get a couple of corners before the Greeks take the lead after 32 minutes. 

Fortounis runs from deep. Ward-Prowse isn't tight enough and Mavropanos stands with his arms behind his back rather than blocking as the Olympiakos man fires home from the edge of the area. Not selecting Alvarez is strange, as he is suspended for the Everton match, and he might have prevented this run. Mystic May is also partly to blame as I've just said that only having one point from two games Olympiakos can't be that good.

In first half added time a routine cross is sliced by Ogbonna into his own net. Danny Ings has only had ten touches, but does create a half-chance in the box, firing against the keeper just before the interval. 

Ward-Prowse sends a free kick wide of the post and Danny Ings fires a decent-half chance wide from Emerson's cross after the break, but the Hammers are still mainly chasing shadows. On 56 minutes Moyes brings on Bowen, Paqueta and Antonio in a bid to try and save the game, but it's the home side who threaten a third with Areola again having to save smartly. 

Bowen can't get in the game, Antonio isn't holding it up and Paqueta is giving the ball away every time. Only Lucas being Lucas he then brings the Hammers back into the game with a sensational volley after Antonio's cross is headed out to the edge of the box.

The Hammers puff away for eight minutes of added time and Matt lambasts sub Cornet for his poor control and being a waste of £17 million. But there's no way back and the record of 17 games unbeaten in Europe is gone. The Hammers remain top of the group on six points but now need to win the home leg against Olympiakos and field a full-strength side for that one now we've been to Hell and back.

Turned over at Villa

Aston Villa 4 West Ham 1

Not a very enjoyable experience watching this on Sky. Villa have the better of the first half with Watkins and Diaby dropping deep to cause problems in front of West Ham's defence. Bowen tests Martinez with a speculative shot and Coufal plays in some inviting crosses, but the pressure soon mounts. Areola produces a great save to tip away Douglas Luiz's shot and Watkins swivels to shoot wide when he should score. 

The opening goal comes when Paqueta fails to track Douglas Luiz, whose effort is slightly deflected but should probably have been stopped by Areola who gets a hand to the ball. Paqueta gets his bearings wrong with an overhead kick as the Hammers revive a little before the break,

It looks all over early in the second half when Paqueta tries to be too clever on the left when he should simply clear it. His back pass puts Alvarez in trouble and the Mexican fouls Konsa for a penalty, converted by Douglas Luiz.

The Hammers show some character to come back. Alvarez finds Bowen whose shot from the edge of the box takes a deflection to fool Martinez. After that the Irons look the more likely side, winning a series of corners. Antonio, who has been disappointing, starts to raise his game and tests Martinez as well as getting in a dangerous cross. From a Ward-Prowse corner Aguerd's volley is blocked by Cash.

Kudus comes on for Soucek, but when the West Ham sub mis-controls, McGinn pounces to send a long ball up to Watkins. Coufal is caught upfield and Zouma does the right thing by sending Watkins wide on to his left foot. Only Watkins then fires a rocket into the top of the net to score from an acute angle. Villa score a fourth as subs Tielemans and Bailey combine. Bailey's stepover sends Aguerd towards Spaghetti Junction and the Villa man curls it home.

Not good enough from the Hammers, though defeats will happen on the road and the first two goals could certainly have been prevented. Villa have now won 11 in a row at home. Paqueta will be better in other games, today perhaps the strain of the betting furore caught up with him. While Soucek or Antonio should surely be rested for Kudus. The next five league games are against winnable opposition in Everton, Brentford, Forest, Burnley and Crystal Palace. That should give us more of an idea of how our season will go.  

Stop! Hammer Time

Good fun to be on the Stop! Hammer Time podcast this week with Phil Whelans, Mark Gower and Pete Harcourt. Click on the link to hear four blokes discussing all things West Ham and not being entirely happy with the ref against Newcastle. 

Jarrod Bowen's on hire

Loyalty isn't something you normally associate with modern footballers. So it's great to hear Jarrod Bowen say that West Ham took a chance on him when no-one else did and he wants to repay that trust by staying at the club for the rest of his career. Jarrod has signed a new seven-year contract and is now part of Essex royalty, through, erm, dating Dani Dyer and having uber-geezer Danny Dyer as his father-in-law. Had Declan Rice left, Paqueta gone to Man City and Bowen departed we could have been looking at a very different season. But the betting investigation into Lucas has done West Ham a favour and now Jarrod is committed to the club, which means we can really start to build a top side.

At last some Kudus for Irons

West Ham United 2 Newcastle United 2 

The London Stadium is burning on a ridiculously hot October afternoon - proof that the last thing Rishi should be doing is allowing more oil wells and encouraging the Laurence Fox brigade. Away from planetary concerns Matt and Lisa have been to a Kings Place talk on Rachmaninoff (so genteel that Matt felt he couldn't wear colours) which strangely enough wasn't full of members of the Toon Army. Fraser is tanned from a trip to Benidorm, Michael has been networking at Politicos bookshop and Nigel's been to see Muse live. 

The Hammers start well and take the lead early on. Antonio finds Paqueta who plays a lovely ball over the defence to Emerson. His touch is good and the full-back takes it round the onrushing Pope and crosses for Soucek to score with a simple finish. That's Tomas's fourth goal of the season - he's already beaten last season's tally. 

West Ham play well in the first half with Paqueta showing some delightful touches and Alvarez strong in the tackle. Guimaraes is booked for a foul on Emerson but then is bizarrely spared a second yellow after a late tackle on Ward-Prowse. Emerson gets booked for waving an imaginary card, but Almiron escapes for the same offence. Dan Burn has a header just wide of the post but apart from that Newcastle never really get going after their midweek win against PSG.

At half time Matt produces his copy of When Saturday Comes and shares the article revealing that the smallest settlement in Europe to have a team in the top division is Loughall FC from County Armagh in Northern Ireland, a village with a population of 232. Some groundhopper types are visiting the Lakeview Stadium because of this, not that this would appeal to any of our number. We're also joined at the break by Nigel's pal Reg and his son Kurt 'Henry' Cobain. In row 63 Reg seems to think the London Stadium can't compare with the intimacy of Barrow FC. 

Predictably enough Darth Vader's Newcastle improve in the second half after words from Eddie Howe. Alvarez sends a diving header narrowly wide but it's all Newcastle after that as Areola makes a great stop from Burn's header.

Paqueta is involved in a fifty-fifty tussle but the ref gives the Toon a very soft free kick. Alvarez heads the free-kick across his own box, playing Isak onside, who scores. "You're not fit to referee!" chant the home fans. Three minutes later Trippier gets down the right, just onside, and lobs a cross in to Isak, who scores as Aguerd and Coufal lose concentration while appealing for offside.

DRAWING DRAWING WEST HAM

It could easily be three when Burn's pass dissects the Hammers defence, Isak rounds Areola and shoots against the base of the post. The keeper has done well to not bring the Newcast'e forward down and it's a turning point. Perhaps sensing that he can't wind up the Vicar's Son any more without spontaneous combustion, Moyes finally brings on Kudus and Benrahma. 

Kudus has an instant impact impressing with his control and turns. A Ward-Prowse free-kick goes over the bar, unlike his Southampton efforts. Just as Michael is bemoaning another loss to his Newcastle bête noire, Coufal pays the ball inside to Kudus. The former Ajax man takes one touch and half-volleys home a crisp finish into the bottom corner before running to the Bobby Moore Stand. Now that was classy. 

"West Ham are massive!" echoes around the stadium as the crowd sense a late winner. They almost get it when Bowen cuts in on his left foot and his low drive is just touched by Pope, denying Benrahma a tap-in at the far post. 

I SOLD MY CAR TO LUCAS PAQUETA

The whistle goes and we'll take 2-2 against the Sportswashers, who are likely to be in the top six at least. We retreat to the Eagle's beer garden where two pub teams are on the TV and Nigel tests Matt on what is unique about St Johnstone. They are of course the only UK league team to have a 'J' in their name. We also learn that Nigel, who is off to see Jay Rayner's jazz night, has this week seen a version of Wishbone Ash play. They split but not in the style of a wishbone, with whoever gets the biggest half keeping the band name.

As Sinead provides the East London Pale Ale we have a discussion concerning Lucas Paqueta songs including, "There's nobody better than Lucas Paqueta!" and of course, "Just sold my car to Lucas Paqueta!" to the tune of the We Buy Any Car ad. Nigel leaves wondering if he can do a deal with Lucas for his Honda.

So the international break arrives with the Hammers seventh and on 14 points while topping our Europa League group. Not a bad start at all.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 7, Zouma 6, Aguerd 6, Emerson 7: Alvarez 7, Ward-Prowse 6, Paqueta 7, Soucek 7 (Kudus 8); Bowen 7, Antonio 6 (Benrahma 6). 

Paqueta stars for record-breaking Hammers

SC Freiburg 1 West Ham 2 (Europa League)

Who needs away fans? It's an early evening 5.45pm kick-off watching on TNT and early on there's encouragement when the Freiburg keeper Atubolu gives away a comedy corner with an air-kick. West Ham take an early lead when Bowen wriggles down the right and gets in a great cross with his weaker right foot. Paqueta rises brilliantly to power home a header that is more Alan Shearer than Fancy Dan Brazilian.

Bowen and Kudus are looking a mobile front two and West Ham almost double their lead when Kudus's effort is fumbled by the keeper on to a post. Freiburg aren't showing much and Paqueta is unluckily to have another goal disallowed for offside.

But the fear is that Freiburg, who finished fifth in the Bundesliga, must improve in the second half and so it proves. The German side play with much more intensity and four minutes in Fabianski makes a fine double save only to see Sallai lash the third effort home. Aguerd should maybe have come out quicker to block rather than stand with his arms behind his back, as is the defensive vogue. It's almost two when a looping header drifts against the post and Holer slices a great chance over the bar.

But this West Ham side is now very experienced in Europe and refuses to panic. Aguerd and Mavropanos remain resolute and Emerson comes on for Kehrer. Bowen slips through and fires against the keeper to win a corner. Atuboli doesn't come out with any conviction and Aguerd gets ahead of him to power home a header from Ward-Prowse's delivery.

The Hammers strike it around well after that as Paqueta sets up a great chance for Kudus, who fires wide of the post. The game ends with Paqueta somehow beating three men on the touchline and playing a great through ball to Bowen, who sadly shoots wide. That would have been the assist of the season. 

So the Hammers complete a record run of 17 games unbeaten in Europe by an English side, beating Pep Guardiola's City, Don Revie's Leeds and Bill Nicholson's Spurs. It's about time David Moyes got some credit for this. Irons!  

The benefits of a settled team

Finally David Moyes seems to know his best X1. West Ham's good start to the season has been helped by so few changes. Nayef Agued missed the first half of the season last time out and Kurt Zouma had several injuries, so the centre back pairings were always changing, but this season the partnership is flourishing. 

Last season Coufal, Kehrer and Johnson vied for the right-back role but now Moyes has settled on Vladimir Coufal and the RoboCop has made three assists in a row. Alavrez and Ward-Prowse have become certain starters and Soucek appears to be preferred to Benrahma, and without Declan Rice in the team Tomas is scoring again as he gets forward more. While Antonio has seen off Scamacca and nailed the striker role, at least until Kudus breaks through.

Meanwhile West Ham could complete a record 16 games unbeaten in Europe if they avoid defeat at Freiburg, which would better the records of Pep Guardiola's City, Don Revie's Leeds and Bill Nicholson's Spurs. Come on you Irons!

Sheffield soundly beaten

West Ham 2 Sheffield United 0

The big news in the Best Cafe is that Nigel has been to see the Black Sabbath ballet after returning from his holiday in France, where he saw Les Alignements at Carnac, a series of standing stones erected as an early defensive wall against James Ward-Prowse's free-kicks. Michael the Whovian is looking for a new title for his play and bemoaning the inflation rate in the caff, where everything now seems to cost a tenner, while also wondering if Martin Jarvis can stop the Zarbi at Brighton. 

At the London Stadium, we're joined by Matt and Lisa on their second of three West Ham matches this weekend, having seen the kids win 2-0 as well as watching the Blue Aeroplanes. Strangely Fraser is missing David Moyes' 900th league game in favour of a holiday in the sun and is replaced by Big Sam.

Aguerd makes a fine block from Archer, but after that Sheffield rarely threaten the Irons' goal. Early on Soucek misses a great chance from a Bowen cut-back and it looks like we might get a cricket score against a team that conceded eight last week. Ward-Prowse's whipped corner causes the usual mayhem, as Bowen header is saved by Foderingham and then Aguerd's follow-up is cleared off the line. Sheffield also survive a strong VAR appeal for hands from another corner.

The breakthrough comes on 24 minutes after good build-up from Alvarez and Soucek releases Coufal on the right. His low cross is calmly steered into the bottom of the net by Jarrod Bowen. The second arrives when Emerson cuts out a pass and finds Antonio, who plays a simple ball to the onrushing Soucek, who stabs home with a clever finish. That's three goals in three games for Tomas and three assists in a row for Vlad.

At half-time Big Sam confidently predicts a 5-0 win though Matt sagely says "this is West Ham" and predicts a nervy 2-1 victory. The second half sees an improved performance from Sheffield and West Ham take their feet off the pedal. Areola is only seriously troubled once, but we can't afford to coast like this against better sides. Still, a clean sheet is kept and sub Kudus has one mazy run, though it's a mystery why Paqueta ends the game up front. 

West Ham might have played within themselves, but there are no easy PL games, as Moyes points out, and 13 points is a fine return from seven games. Perhaps the side were saving themselves for the next match against a Lynyrd Skynyrd song, Freiburg.

We head off to the Eagle for East London Pale Ale from the fridge, where there's a long discussion on rudest politicians encountered and also if Chelsea will stay up. Nigel is on fire with his trivia, asking which team won 5-1 on the first day of the season and is now bottom of their division while the team it beat is now top. The answer is Sutton United who beat Notts County 5-1. 

West Ham might not have scored eight, but at least they haven't succumbed to a reaction from the Blades and in the end it was a very comfortable win. Twenty seven more points and we're safe. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Coufal 7, Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6; Alvarez 7 (Benrahma 6), Paqueta 6 (Mavropanos n/a), Soucek 7, Ward-Prowse 7; Bowen 7 (Fornals n/a), Antonio 6 (Kudus 5).

Soucek makes the difference

Lincoln City 0 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

Well, another good run-out for most of the squad players and a welcome win in a difficult away tie. Tomas Soucek made the difference chesting in Said Benrahma's corner - and ugly goal but again good for his confidence to score two in a row. 

It was good to see Cornet get a chance and his break down the right almost set up Ings, who hesitated with a good opportunity. Ings also missed a great chance in the second half and badly needs a goal. Ben Johnson hit the post from distance and Kudus forced a great save from close range, though West Ham had to dig deep at times. Alvarez almost gave a goal away after passing straight to Duffy who forced a decent save from Fabianski. While it was Fabianski who really earned the win when the game was 0-0 with a brilliant reaction save from Hacket-Fairchild's point-blank header. So now it's Arsenal in the next round, which all looks pretty tasty.