Just relegation for the claret and blue

West Ham 3 Leeds United 0 

The Best Meze Cafe is serving unusually quickly on a sweltering Survival Sunday, though Nigel is miffed that the breakfast menu is off after 2pm. CQ is wearing her lucky rosary beads, Nigel has his lucky Stranglers bag and banana and I have my lucky West Ham woolly hat, but Matt and Lisa have eschewed lucky Dukla Prague away shirts for civilian attire (though Matt has a t-shirt reading "Don't worry") and Michael has left his lucky Jonathan Spector shirt at home. 

We're joined in the stadium by Big Sam who is up from Wales, plus the bloke who looks like Mark Kermode and our new friend Pebbles and co. Bubbles is particularly loud as we all anxiously scroll for news fromTottenham. Can David Moyes save West Ham a third time? All we can do is try to do our bit and win.

Wan-Bissaka is dropped for Walker-Peters after a poor display at Newcastle while the Sun reports that Todibo has refused to play after a row with Nuno when he was subbed at Newcastle. The £33 million Todibo has fallen out with three managers now and we should clearly sell him, though after this latest outburst who will buy him?

Leeds look pretty up for it as West Ham start nervously. Nmecha miscues a good chance and Hermansen has to make a fine stop with his legs to deny Calvert-Lewin. For the Irons Pablo has a goalbound effort deflected over by Soucek and Fernandes tests Darlow with a long-range effort. Bad news arrives from Spurs just before the break, where Palinha has put them ahead against Everton.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time and Nuno bring on Wilson for Pablo. West Ham look more effective as Wilson sets ups Taty for a chance, only for the striker to slip as he shoots. The breakthrough comes when Walker-Peters forces a corner. Bowen curls over a lovely ball and Castellanos gets above his man too head home at the back post.

We're still relying on Everton scoring twice though. The West Ham fans join the Leeds fans in a chorus of "We sold our soul for this shithole!" Though it's surely not good for morale to be chanting against our own ground. For all its faults the London Stadium has seemed more like home since Christmas with the fans really getting behind the side. The owners are the real problem.

BOWEN BOWEN GONE?

The fans are singing some very rude songs about David Sullivan as Fernandes plays a great through ball to Bowen. Jarrod scores with a lovely finish from a tight angle. We've been saying he looks like he's carrying an injury but he's still got an assist and a goal. Though is this his final goal for the Hammers?

Wilson is denied by a fine save from Darlow. In the 94th minute Callum is set up by Summerville and scores with a rocket from outside the box. The celebrations are muted as Spurs are still winning.

The game ends with nine minutes of added purgatory still being played at Spurs. But there is never much hope Everton will score twice and we're finally relegated on 39 points, the biggest points total of a relegated side since 2011.

The players do a subdued lap of honour with Bowen looking particularly gutted. Relegation really came with the defeats at Brentford and Newcastle. We trudge off to the Eagle reflecting on all the points lost, at home to Forest, away to Wolves, at home to Brentford after Nuno's tinkering, at Chelsea after being two goals up, at home to Fulham. 

Inside the Eagle it's relegation drinks all round, as Lisa tests the bar staff with a request for a spritzer and receives the fanciest glasses in the building. "Who will be our Kevin Nolan in the Championship?" asks a mournful Michael. We're more likely to end up with Coleen Nolan. Nigel informs us that for the first time the Premier League won't have a team in it starting with the letter "W'. Matt stuns everyone with the claim that he used to be a hot air ballooning correspondent, though we think this could be a Call My Bluff-style tall story.

We try to take the positives. We'll get to hear the jokes of Geoff the comedian in the Burnley hospitality lounge again, Nigel's mate Adrian will get him a ticket for Wolves, I'll be able to go to Stoke on a wet Wednesday night, Lincoln is a very nice city, Wrexham will be playing Hollywood balls and Westfield will be looking forward to the visit of Millwall. Even better Nigel has a forthcoming gig to enjoy with scrumpy and Western idols the Wurzels.

Who will be left next season with the club posting debts of £104m last year and a fire-sale inevitable? Will Nuno stay or go? Can the Academy kids be United? At least the hope is over. It's time for a break from football. All we have to do is brave the celebrating Arsenal fans on the tube  home. We'll be back one day and hopefully with new owners. Come on you relegated Irons.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Disasi 6, Mavropanos 7, Diouf 5; Bowen 8, Fernandes 7, Soucek 6, Summerville 7, Pablo 5 (Wilson 7), Castellanos 7 (Kante n/a).

It's the hope we can't take...

Never mind minor events in north London. Just when we're getting used to embracing despair along come Chelsea to offer a glimmer of hope. After Tottenham's unexpected win at a woeful Aston Villa we feared the worst for Spurs' trip to Stamford Bridge. But thankfully they lost 2-1. It could have been different if Cucurella's late wrestling had resulted in a penalty but perhaps that's payback for the VAR decision not to penalise Rice or Trossard against Arsenal.

So now we have to beat Leeds and Spurs must lose at home to Everton. We couldn't could we? It's perhaps a 20 per cent chance of staying up. Leeds have several injuries and are safe, but even so we'd have to improve a lot on the Newcastle performance to win. 

We're relying on David Moyes doing us a massive favour and motivating his side to win at Spurs. But if Everton could get an early goal then the Spurs crowd would get very anxious — and they haven't won at home since December 6th. With Pickford in goal and big lumps like Tarkowski and O'Brien at the back and Beto up front, plus the skilful Dewsbury-Hall, there's some hope. Everton had a decent second half against us a few weeks ago.

But stop, this way madness lies. All West Ham can do is try to win. If we went down with 39 points we could at least claim to be slightly unlucky. It will soon be all over one way or another. Perhaps Spurs could oblige by sending over a spy to our training ground. Come on you Irons and Toffees! 

Early goals plunge West Ham towards the drop

Newcastle United 3 West Ham United 1 

We're off to the not-that-lucky-pub the Floirin for this vital game. In a middle-class football fan crisis I've managed to change my tickets for Churchill's Urinal at the King's Head Theatre to another night and can now make the 5.30pm kick-off. Matt and Lisa are in the pub drinking Guinness with Nigel, carrying his 'lucky' Stranglers bag and an antique Kettering programme featuring loanee Callum Wilson in the line-up.

Nuno has gone for five at the back and surprisingly dropped Taty Castellanos for Callum Wilson. Newcastle put us under pressure from the start and have a handball VAR penalty claim against Soucek, thankfully denied. 

Some say it's best not to concede two early goals in a relegation decider. Hermansen misjudges his throw out to Todibo, who rather than take a yellow card for a foul, allows Barnes to get past him and cross. Soucek has stepped up and away from Woltemade who scores his first goal since December — another striker whose career we have rescued. 

Four minutes later the Toon slice through West Ham, Ramsey has too much space on the right and Osula strolls between the three centre backs to score. Nuno looks like he's about to call the Samaritans. He rips up his game plan after 26 minutes and replaces Todibo with Castellanos. The Irons play better after that. Jimmy Summerville comes alive with a fine dribble that sets up Castellanos who shoots against the keeper. Diouf's follow-up is saved as well. Wilson then misses another inviting Summerville cross.

The second half sees a Fernandes shot straight at the keeper and a desperate Nuno bring on Pablo and Kante for Wan-Bissaka and Soucek, who has been lucky to avoid a red card for kicking Guimaraes. An irate Matt is choking on his Guinness as Diouf's throw-in is miscontrolled by the hapless Pablo, allowing Willock to play a one-two with Osula who bags his second goal to make it 3-0.

Just as it looks game over Hermansen punts a kick down the pitch and Castellanos brilliantly volleys over Pope from 30-yards out. The best goal of the game, though we've relied on a moment of individual brilliance rather than getting anywhere with our team play.

The Irons give it a go after that. Wilson tries to pass instead of shooting and has a penalty claim denied, Bowen fires straight at Pope when well-placed and Taty volleys Diouf's cross against the angle. Castellanos then forces a save from Pope with a back-header from Pablo's ball in to the box.

DARKNESS ON THE EDGE OF TOON

But we're never to claw back a three-goal deficit. The chants of "You're not fit to wear the shirt!" from the away fans aren't really fair, as it's a lack of quality rather than effort that has cost us. And after a good second half of the season the form of players like Diouf, the Greek Bloke and Disasi has suddenly tailed off.

So we're effectively down barring the miracle of Spurs losing twice, and we can't be sure of beating Leeds on this form. The fault is not entirely Nuno's, though he picked the wrong side has been in charge since September, but mainly David Sullivan and the board's for a complete lack of strategy appointing managers and directors of football and some terrible recruitment. We've got some decent players like Bowen, Summerville, Castellanos, Soucek and Fernandes who will surely now be sold off in a WHU fire sale.

As the darkness descends on West Ham Matt, Lisa and Nigel head off to the favourite curry house of the Darkness on Holloway Road. At least West Ham's  rent will go down a couple of million pounds and we'll be able to welcome Millwall. It was the hope we couldn't take, now unless Spurs are caught spying, we can concentrate on the despair.

VAR mayhem robs West Ham of point

West Ham 0 Arsenal 1

Pre-match it's a pint of IPA in Hackney Wick's Crate with daughter Lola and her boyfriend Michael, hoping to reduce the tension. In the stadium, we find a clean-shaven Big Sam up from Wales, Nigel and his lucky Stranglers bag, super sub Lisa and Matt wearing his tee-shirt from the last game at the Boleyn, ten years ago to the day. Michael the thespian is away, possibly giving Keir Starmer lessons in vision and dramatic delivery.

Nuno opts for five at the back bringing in Todibo for Pablo. The atmosphere is fervent and tense, though Arsenal dominate the first 25 minutes. The Greek Bloke blocks Calafiori, then from a Declan Rice corner Hermansen has to save brilliantly from Trossard, who hits the outside of the post from the rebound. Next up Rice whips in a free-kick and Mavropanos has to make another great block close to the line. Arsenal seem to get most of the decisions and earn some revived chants of "Same old Arsenal, always cheating!"

It takes a crunching tackle from Summerville to get the crowd going. Ben White is injured in the 50-50 and has to go off, with Rice temporarily shifted to become an unlikely right-back. West Ham start to threaten at the end of the half. Bowen almost plays in Diouf and Summerville finally gets a run at the Arsenal defence before shooting wide. The best chance comes when Wan-Bissaka storms down the right and plays in a cross and Taty Castellanos' diving header is parried by Raya.

We're happy to be 0-0 at half-time, hoping that Arsenal will get increasingly nervous. The Irons start the second half with more confidence. Taty has a shot blacked and Bowen can't connect properly with the second effort. Pablo comes on for Castellanos and puts himself about a bit. Diouf gets in a fine cross that Pablo almost reaches — though it's clearly deflected off a defender for a corner the ref gives a goal kick. After good work by Saka Gyokores heads over. This could go either way.

At 0-0 comes a turning point. Mateus Fernandes plays a neat give and go with Pablo and is through on goal, but he takes one touch too many and Raya makes a great save with his outstretched foot.

Almost inevitably it's 1-0 to the Arsenal seven minutes from time. Impressive sub Odegaard exchanges passes with Rice before picking out Trossard, whose shot is deflected in off Soucek. Some Arsenal fans in the Billy Bonds Stand cheer the goal, 1980s-style aggro erupts and there are ugly scenes as one of them is kicked down the steps with the stewards slow to react. 

ALWAYS CRASHING IN THE SAME VAR 

Callum Wilson is on for Disasi as the game moves into added time. After a knock-down from the Greek Bloke Wilson's shot is deflected wide for a corner. "Come on you Irons!" plead the crowd. Mads Hermansen comes up for it. Bowen's corner comes over and there's an almighty scramble in the box. Raya fumbles his catch the ball drops loose and is cleared, but then thumped over the line by Wilson before Rice can boot it out from the back of the net. The London Stadium erupts and Arsenal's title dream is now in the balance. 

Only after the angry Gunners surround the ref it's a sodding VAR check on Pablo's arm as Arteta leaps around the touchline crying wolf about blocking goalkeepers. There's a five minute stoppage before ref Chris Kavanagh is called to the monitor. He watches the incident 17 times before disallowing the goal, which hardly suggests it's a clear and obvious decision. After review, VAR favours the title challengers.

The replay reveals that Pablo's arm is across Raya's neck, though he's arguably using it for leverage, and is also being pushed into the keeper by Trossard. It's the sort of challenge on keepers that Arsenal have been getting away with several times this season. To make it worse there are numerous fouls on West Ham players as the ball comes in and before Pablo's challenge. Rice drags the Greek Bloke into the back of the net, Soucek is bundled to the floor, Todibo is being wrestled by Odegaard and Trossard is holding and pushing Pablo. Mick McManus and Giant Haystacks are probably in there as well. If you give one foul in the box you surely have to give them all and award West Ham a penalty or more accurately four penalties. Infamy, infamy.

So that's it. Arsenal are going to win the league and relegation looks likely for West Ham. We've payed well and with spirit. A point would have given WHU a real boost for the next two games. I apologise to Lola for introducing her to West Ham, though perhaps heartache is good for the soul.

We resignedly head to the Eagle for Guinness and Tayto crisps. Nigel is at least cheered by Rochdale beating Boreham Wood (Matt has an interesting fact about them) and has a good trivia quiz question about John Moncur's son George. Not to mention some recent meeting Ian Gillan stories. All better than thinking about Lincoln away. We've now got to hope it goes Spursy yet again, and win our final two matches. It's not looking good but we gave Arsenal a game and deserved a point. COYI!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 7; Wan-Bissaka 7, Mavropanos 8, Disasi 7 (Wilson 7), Todibo 7, Diouf 7; Soucek 7, Fernandes 7; Bowen 7, Castellanos 7 (Pablo 6), Summerville 7. 

Bad luck, bad defending and Emery's dodgy line-up push WHU back in drop zone

Brentford 3 West Ham 0

It's a nervous afternoon again listening to the game on Radio 5. Early on Pablo uses his strength well to get beyond the last defender, only he hesitates too long and under pressure allows Kelleher to save his scuffed shot. 

The Bus Stop From Hounslow take the lead after 15 minutes. Bowen allows Lewis-Potter to cut inside and cross. Kayode gets beyond Summerville to hit the post and trying to clear the Greek Bloke hits it in off the bar. 

West Ham respond well, Taty Castellanos takes down Diouf's free kick to fire against the outside of the post. Then from Diouf's free kick Mavropanos rises to power home a great header. Only it's VAR time and Dinos is ruled offside by a shoulder. 

Brentford have a couple of chances as Hermansen rushes out from his area, miscues his header, and Damsgaard shoots wide of an open goal. Then Thiago doesn't connect properly in a one-on-one with Mads. There's time for Castellanos to head Bowen's corner on to the inside of the post and then force Kelleher intro a fine save with a long-range effort. It could easily be 3-3 at half-time.

Unfortunately West Ham make the worst possible start to the second half. Outtara twists past Diouf and Malick goes to ground to concede a cheap penalty. Thiago strokes it home. Diouf has improved a lot defensively recently but that was more like the naive defender of early in the season.

THE LAST POST

Soucek has a credible penalty claim turned down. The Irons haven't given up hitting the woodwork as Jimmy Summerville performs a typical twisting dribble and thumps a shot against the bar. Soucek strikes the rebound against the outside of the post.

The third goal arrives as West Ham press forward. Sub Wan-Bissaka ambles across to his man too slowly, Traore hasn't tracked Damsgaard and the Bees man shoots though the legs of Fernandes and into the corner.

So it's 3-0 to Brentford, which hasn't reflected the game. We're relying on the kindness of strangers the next evening as Aston Villa take on Spurs. Only Unai Emery makes seven changes from the side that lost at Notts Forest in the Europa League. Clearly concentrating on Europe his zombie side allow Spurs to quickly take a two-goal lead and win 2-1, pushing West Ham back into the bottom three. 

It's not looking good, but is it all over? I still think we can get something from the Arsenal game and it's possible for it to go all Spursy, while Forest aren't out of it yet (ok they are now thanks to Chelsea). One day we'll hit the post and it will go in. Only a week ago we were celebrating Wilson's late winner against Everton. Nuno needs to keep calm and channel the players' anger at the Brentford defeat into the next match. We probably need to win two out of three matches. Otherwise it's Lincoln away.

Wilson wins it late to boost Hammers' survival hopes

West Ham 2 Everton 1

Up against the Moyesiah, what could possibly go right? In the Billy Bonds Stand we find Matt and Lisa, mysteriously not wearing colours, Nigel with his lucky Stranglers bag, ace of bass CQ, Michael the Whovian not missing Karren Brady, Big Sam busy compiling survival spreadsheets, and our new mate, the bloke who looks like Mark Kermode.

The first half is cagey. Summerville gets chopped a lot and Garner and O'Brien are booked. Disasi does some solid defending. Soucek has a header well over and Barry has a shot saved by Mads. Late on Bowen fizzes a cross across the box but Pablo, lacking that striking instinct, hasn't gambled and got on the end of it.

We really have to go for it in the second half with Spurs and Wolves drawing. Jimmy Summerville gets in a dangerous cross and Taty has a penalty appeal turned down after Pickford makes contact and our man goes down as if hit by the Grealish sniper.

The breakthrough comes on 51 minutes when Bowen curls in a corner. Pablo does well to block Pickford as Tomas Soucek gets between two defenders to head home and wheel away doing his windmill celebration. A trademark Moyes goal.

But Everton are a good side with a fine away record. Moyes brings on Tyrique George and Tim Iroegbunam, both of whom make a difference. West Ham are pressed back. Soucek and Disasi have to make a last-ditch double clearance from in front of the line after Iroegbunam's cross. You have to admire the way Disasi celebrates clearances. The crowd try to roar the Irons home.

NO DOUBTING TOMAS

A cross from George is met by Barry but Super Tomas Soucek somehow manages to head it up and onto the bar. Next there's a big appeal for a penalty after Fernandes grapples with Barry and his hand touches the ball. He might not have been able to see the ball but he still seems to flick it and we're lucky not to be punished. Mateus needs to be more careful around his own box.

Potts replaces Taty. Mystic Matt asks, "When was the last time Wilson ever did anything for us?" as Callum comes on for Pablo after 81 minutes. It seems like we've held on for a gritty one-nil win until the 88th minute. Mystic Morris predicts Everton will score 20 seconds before they do. The Greek Bloke gets his head on to yet another cross, but it falls to Tarkowski who heads back into the path of Dewsbury-Hall who scores with an emphatic half-volley. Bugger. Spurs are now winning so we'll be back in the bottom three.

But there are eight minutes of added time and the crowd stays with the Irons. With 92 minutes gone Bowen tries another cross. It's headed clear but Walker-Peters and Potts do well to recycle the ball to Diouf on the left. His fine cross is headed back across goal by Jarrod Bowen and there is Callum Wilson to keep calm and hit his shot into the ground and past the despairing Pickford. Oh yes! The crowd erupts in a mass of limbs as Wilson salutes the faithful. None of us ever doubted him. We've not since scenes like this since we won the Betway Cup.

We hold on for the remaining seven minutes as Hermansen catches the last cross to huge cheers. WHU remain two points clear of Spurs! And we've only aged about ten years in the process.

In the Eagle we retire to the hanging gardens of Chobham Road. We discuss the surprising news that Chelsea's Cucurella has a barber, who seems to have neglected to ever cut his hair. Nigel reminisces about meeting his heavy metal mate Ian Gillan and there's a competition to name the five league clubs that start and end with the same letter. There's Aston Villa and Charlton Athletic plus three others for those who can be bothered. Michael prepares to take a pew and see the Choirboys, hoping West Ham will now be singing from the same hymn sheet. 

This feels like a very big three points. We've got to hope Spurs implode at Villa and we get something at Brentford. Forest are still just about catchable. Whatever happens Nuno has effected quote a turnaround since the Forest defeat. It's in our hands now. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Disasi 8, Mavropanos 7, Diouf 7; Soucek 9, Fernandes 7; Bowen 8 (Todibo n/a), Castellanos 6 (Potts 6), Pablo 5 (Wilson 8), Summerville 7.

Brady quits as Kretinsky and Sullivan share power

It's all change at West Ham. With rather strange timing Karren Brady has announced she's quitting as vice-chair after 16 years. Most West Ham fans will feel that's a good thing. Her achievements do include negotiating a cheap rent for the London Stadium and getting 50,000 season ticket holders. But these are far outweighed by the negatives. 

Brady wildly over-promised about the move to the London Stadium and we've never got close to, "a world class stadium with a world class team." The London Stadium has improved with the squaring off of the ends and this year's games have proved you can get a decent atmosphere there, though Brady and Sullivan never really seemed to appreciate that the rake of the stands is wrong. Long-term we need to buy the LS and reconfigure at least one side of it.

Brady and Sullivan did win a trophy and stumble upon a good manager in David Moyes, though they twice let him go when he should have been kept. They've appointed a lot of duffers, with only Allardyce and Bilic being relative successes. Grant, Pellegrini, Lopetegui and Potter all failed, while going through three recruitment gurus in Rob Newman, Tim Steidten and Kyle Macaulay shows a real lack of strategy. There's a long list of terrible signings. Under Sullivan and Brady the club has looked outdated and been overtaken by smaller clubs like Brighton, Bournemouth, Fulham and Brentford. While Lord Sugar surely wouldn't approve of a £104m loss last season and a relegation struggle.

Now the Guardian reports that Daniel Kretinsky and David Sullivan are buying the late David Gold's shares and will each own 40 per cent of the club. You sense that Kretinsky has despaired at the way the club is run and now wants a bigger say. While David Sullivan hasn't gone, any change is welcome. Kretinsky is called The Sphinx because no-one knows much about him, but he will surely want to see a more efficient business making money and competing in the top half of the Premier League. Sullivan is now 77 and Kretinsky surely has his eyes on ultimately taking over.