A tale of two penalties

West Ham 1 QPR 1 

In the Best Meze Cafe culinary faintheart Matt has given up on getting served and gone to the ground, so it's down to diehards Nigel and myself. My falafel and cup of tea actually arrive pretty quickly as Nigel reminisces about his trip to Wyoming visiting Mount Rushmore and the Old Faithful Geyser. Never knew he was mates with Danny Dyer.

Inside the stadium we find Matt, Michael, Jake the vlogger and a late-running Lisa, who is carrying a black briefcase, presumably full of dossiers to give to Nuno, or perhaps the West Ham self-destruct codes. Big Sam is away listening to Rick Parfitt's son play Status Quo songs. The tributes to Ludo Miklosko from Kevin Keen and Jimmy Walker are well done and it's emotional to see Mark Noble and Ludo's son carry a wreath to the centre circle before kick-off.

West Ham start slowly, again. After18 minutes the returning Tomas Soucek, clearly rusty after his long lay-off, misplaces a pass in midfield. To retrieve the situation he makes a good tackle outside the box on Smyth. Astonishingly referee Ruebyn Ricardo awards a penalty. An aghast Soucek looks like someone has just stolen his potato salad. For once we're wishing that VAR was back. Madsen rolls home the spot kick.

QPR are fast on the break, with Kolli impressing. West Ham seem to have lost all rhythm after the three-week break and look very laboured. There's a lot of slow passing around at the back but no penetration. Walker-Peters has a bit of a 'mare, Mukasa is anonymous, Soucek is off the pace, Solomon has a couple of decent dribbles but can't get his crosses in and Bowen's crosses are hitting the first man. Bowen attempts an audacious overhead kick and that's about it, while West Ham almost concede from their own corner as Hermansen has to parry Kolli's shot.

Nuno takes decisive action after a poor first half, going to a back three and taking off Walker-Peters and Soucek for Pablo and Austbo. Pablo makes a difference by getting stuck in and making life awkward for the Rangers' defenders. The 62,000 crowd get behind the Irons and that helps. It's not until the 70th minute that the breakthrough comes. Bowen wins the ball with a crunching tackle on the touchline then receives the ball back from Taty on the right wing. Jarrod cuts inside and fires against the legs of a defender but he's alert enough to slam home the rebound. He runs straight back to the centre spot knowing the Hammers have to go for the win.

SPOT OF BOTHER

For the final 20 minutes West Ham actually get going. Orford comes on and his ability to keep the ball helps. Pablo sets up sub Piroe for a shot that is tipped away by Pierce Charles for a corner. Bowen cuts inside to fire just over and then performs some more penalty box wriggling to force a tip round the post. Can the Hammers play badly but still grind out a win?

It seems so in the 91st minute when Bowen plays in a great cross and Pablo is blatantly pulled back by Mbengue. A shame as that might have been Pablo's first league goal, but surely Bowen will score from the spot? Only his low effort is saved by Charles and the keeper then produces another brilliant save to tip Engels' header on to the post. If in doubt blast it. That's three points lost from missed last-minute penalties this season.

We trek to Ye Olde Black Bull where at least Matt Upson on Sky inspires our Matt to raid his mind palace and ask what Upson has done that only two other West Ham players have. The answer is score in the World Cup finals. It's been a frustrating evening and slow starts have become a real problem. West Ham remain unbeaten in seven games but are now out of the automatic promotion spots. A big improvement is required for Lincoln away on Wednesday.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 4 (Austbo 6), Mavropanos 6, Kilman 6, Morato 5; Soucek 4 (Pablo 7), Mukasa 4 (Orford 6), Engels 6; Bowen 7, Castellanos 5, Solomon 5 (Piroe 6).

Torquay Irons

You don't expect to encounter a West Ham exhibition while on holiday in Torquay. But visitors to Bygones Museum can find several cabinets of Hammers memorabilia. Most of the museum is devoted to Victorian shops, quirky artefacts and a recreation of the world war one trenches. But upstairs, the West Ham display is all the work of Rick, the son of the owner. Rick is a season ticket holder at the London Stadium and used to go to matches as a boy with his godfather, Bert Willis, who worked in the bars and the boot room at the Boleyn Ground.

The Bygones exhibition contains an astonishing array of West Ham memorabilia, including the warm-up shirt worn by Pablo Fornals before the Europa Conference League Final and Lucas Paqueta's boots (which look more like slippers) from the same game. There's lots of 1975 FA Cup Final material including a collection from Mervyn Day. You can see the shirt worn by Bill Roberts in 1937-38. Trivia fans will know that Bill was Len Goulden's understudy. There's a signed Declan Rice shirt, a signed photo of Alan Stephenson taking on Denis Law and a 1976 Cup Winners' Cup Final shirt. If you're tired of Agatha Christie and Basil Fawlty in Torquay, then give Bygones a visit.

Signs of progress

Well, the interminable international break seems like a good time to assess the season so far after 11 games. Firstly, the sales have exceeded monetary expectations in getting around £200 million for Fernandes, Summerville, Potts and Diouf. The more excitable fans on social media wanted WHU to spend the lot on big names without taking into account the £100m plus loss in the last trading year. The big names were never going to come to the Championship and it's been more sensible to sign players who can do a job in this league. 

Let's take a look at the signings. At the back Joel Veltman is on the old side at 34 but experienced and Brighton don't sign many duds. He's looked steady and can play at full-ball or centre back, so a good addition on a free. Morato, on loan from Forest, has come in for Scarles recently. He's already scored and was certainly ready to stand up to Millwall's land of the giants and looks like he likes a scrap. He gets extra marks for the intimidating tattoos. On-loan Adama Boiro (the Black Country ballpoint) has only had a brief appearance as a sub and at present it's hard to see him displacing Scarles and Morato as left-back.

In midfield Arne Engels is improving all the time. He works tremendously hard and takes a fine dead ball. Hopefully we'll see goals soon as well. At £22m he should be ready for the Premier League if we can get there. Divine Mukasa would have been known to the coaches at West Ham having been poached by Man City and the evidence suggests he can go all the way. Witness that 30-yard strike against Wolves. He's a little inconsistent but the technical side of the game seems to come easily to him. And with Man City hopefully relegated to the National League might the Irons now be in with a chance of signing him when his loan ends?

Manor Solomon has proved he can be very effective at Championship level at Leeds and as a tricky winger who can score has solved the problem of how to replace Jimmy Summerville. Similarly Joel Piroe scored a lot of goals when Leeds won the Championship. Sometimes his control can look poor but he's already bagged three goals and he'll do damage at this level.

Edvin Austbo looks like he's too young to go in pubs but is an interesting addition at £10 million. The club appear to have actually done some scouting for this signing. He's affected games against Derby and Millwall when he's come on and looks a good alternative to Solomon on the left. Keiber Lamadrid only cost £1 million and is hard to judge after his few outings, though the suspicion is that he's not ready for the Championship.

So overall some good work by Nils Koppen and CEO Karim Varani in selling high and getting in  some reasonably shrewd signings. We've proved we can score a lot of goals this season (13 different scorers so far) but the defence remains a worry, with the Greek Bloke scoring lots from set-pieces but looking more unsure at the back without Axel Disasi. Credit to Max Kilman though for being consistent so far and perhaps turning around his West Ham career. 

SITTING ON DEFENCE

The side still lacks a natural defensive shield and you wonder if Tomas Soucek, soon to return, might provide this. He's not fast but he does a lot of defensive work in his own box heading fridges and being generally awkward. Another option might be some games for Soungoutou Magassa, who failed to engineer a move and is still at the club. But progress has certainly been made in the development of youngsters like Kante and Orford.

Another lesson is that we tend to win games when Pablo is in the side. He might not score much but he defends from the front and does a lot of unselfish work. He's the man who can create space for Castellanos and/or Piroe to score.

Ownership-wise Kretinsky is now in overall control though David Sullivan clings on, but at least he is being kept away from the transfer deals. With the Hammers sitting second things have definitely improved after a poor start. We've only lost once and the 6-0 hammering of Wrexham proves that when the side clicks we can beat anyone. Away draws need to be turned into victories though and the Millwall game was a warning about opponents always being up for it against the Hammers. Still, the side is starting to settle and it's a B+ so far. Come on you Irons!

Dinos saves Hammers in fiery dockers' derby

Millwall 2 West Ham 2

It's over to daughter Lola's gaff to watch this on her big screen. When Jarrod Bowen is clattered by Metcalfe after 14 seconds it sets the tone. Millwall steam into tackles and look very up for it, while West Ham never get going and lose out in all the duels. The Lions have two giants roughly the size of the Shard at centre back in Cooper and Taylor and we just can't cope with them with at set-pieces.

Millwall take the lead while Mavropanos is off the pitch for a minute after a knock on the head. The defence fails to deal with a long- throw-in, Hermansen makes a couple of brilliant saves but at the third attempt Taylor scores with Kilman and Engels slow to react. Sykes whacks a 40-yard screamer against the bar. Bowen is shackled by Sturge and Arconte is causing lots of problems on the left for Walker-Peters. Millwall bag a second just before half time as another Dykes long-throw causes chaos and Neghli beats Bowen in the six-yard box to whack it home.

Nuno takes decisive action at half time bringing on Pablo and Kante for Piroe and Walker-Peters.We go to three at the back which is brave. The pair make an immediate difference with their physicality as Millwall start to tire. Bowen has a shot parried and Kante almost gets the rebound. Then goalkeeper Marschall accuses Castellanos of spitting at him, though it's hard to see anything on the replay. Bowen gets in a fine cross and Pablo's header inspires a fine tip over from the keeper.

THE COLOSSUS OF COLD BLOW LANE

Suddenly West Ham look a different side. A lifeline arrives on 74 minutes as Pablo finds Kante who nets with a great low drive from outside the box. Bowen has a dribble and shot deflected wide. Sub Austbo fires in a vicious dipping shot that Marschall deflects for a corner. From the short corner Solomon beats his man and stands the ball up for Mavropanos to head home. The away end goes mental and Dinos celebrates as if he has a personal beef with Millwall having watched that 1977 Panorama on Harry the Dog and F Troop. They're not singing anymore, while the Greek Bloke is heading for full-on East London geezerdom.

It looks like West Ham can go on to win it until Kante hesitates kicking clear as the last man and is beaten by Lisbie. He has to make the quick decision to pull Lisbie back to prevent a likely goal and correctly gets a red card. West Ham survive the free kick and added time to take a point. 

A mixed bag this, a terrible first half and a spirited comeback in the second. Nuno is rightly angry at the first half performance while the game has also emphasised the value of Pablo, who stops teams playing out from defence. Still, we won't play another team as fired up as Millwall all season. In that context we'll take the point. Irons!

We were there when Pablo scored!

West Ham 2 Fulham 3 (Carabao Cup)

Before kick-off Tony Gale is on the pitch paying tribute to Ludo Miklosko and Tomas Soucek lays a Miklosko shirt behind Finlay Herrick's goal. There's a moving minute of applause for the Hammers great followed by Bubbles. RIP Ludo.

The big news in the stand is that Nigel has made his first ever visit to the Carpenters Arms and Sam is sporting a number 15 West Ham shirt with "Greek Bloke" on the back. We're joined by Matt, Lisa and CQ, though Michael is absent watching the big one of Hornchurch versus Worthing.

It's a somewhat weakened side with Bowen and Solomon on the bench and Kante and Mukasa forced into wide roles, while Pablo and Ajala start up front. Fulham pass the ball around nicely and take the lead when Palacios gets down the left too easily to cross for the poorly-marked Muniz to head home.

But there always seem to be goals now in West Ham games. The equaliser comes quickly after a corner. Engels plays in a good second phase cross and Mavropanos heads across goal for Morato to score. The 12th Hammer to score this season.

However it's soon evident that the speedy Robinson is causing Walker-Peters all sorts of problems and Palacios is running midfield. A simple ball over the top sees Palacios race through to score. Robinson easily beats KWP for pace but his inviting cross is missed by Fulham's strikers.

PORTUGEEZER

But Fulham haven't accounted for Pablo. Shortly before the interval a good move sees Walker-Peters cross and Kante produce a clever flick that is parried by Lecomte. From a tight angle Pablo fires the rebound into the top corner. A great finish and the Portugeezer celebrates like he's won the World Cup and so do we. A chorus breaks out of, "We were there when Pablo scored!" His first goal in 22 games.

The second half sees Fulham establish midfield control, though West Ham still create chances. Nuno brings on Bowen and Solomon, Pablo almost gets on the end of Bowen's cross and Solomon has a goalbound shot deflected. Then the Greek Bloke heads just wide from Bowen's corner when he should probably score.

It's Fulham who get the winner. Kante loses the ball on the edge of the box and Bobb dances through Walker-Peters and Kilman to poke past the unsighted Herrick. Matt gets increasingly incensed, prompting Nigel to quip that he's not loving Engels tonight. There's almost an equaliser but Bowen fires over when well-placed and sub Taty's rather tame shot is cleared off the line. 

Mavropanos dawdles and almost gives away a fourth but in the end it's 2-3 and we're out of the Carabao Cup. Orford, Kante and Ajala have all struggled a bit against a good passing side from the Premier League, but will learn from this.

In Ye Olde Back Bull CQ talks us through her London pub rock tour and we learn that Matt has gathered a new audience of trainspotters on YouTube after posting footage of his steam train ride in Wales. Nigel is looking forward to watching 70 Up complete with Lib Dem councillor Neil Hughes, whom we encountered in Bampton, Cumbria while bagging Wainwrights. 

On the train home Big Sam is collared by an American lady who has seen his shirt and says she loves Greece. He has to break it to her that he is not actually a Greek Bloke himself but a fan of West Ham's Greek Bloke.

It's never nice to lose but I'd swap this defeat for a win at Millwall. With 46 league games we don't really need a cup run. It's been an entertaining (and cheap) game but now we really do have to concentrate on the league.

PLAYER RATINGS: Herrick 6; Walker-Peters 5, Mavropanos 6, Kilman 5, Morato 6 (Scarles n/a); Mukasa 5 (Bowen 7), Engels 6, Orford 5 (Piroe n/a), Kante 5; Pablo 7 (Castellanos 5), Ajala 5 (Solomon 6). 

RIP Ludo

We knew it was coming but it's still heartbreaking to hear of the death of Ludek Miklosko, who came from (quite) near Moscow. I met Ludo twice and he was as everyone says a really good guy. The first time was in 2005 while in Prague to give a talk for the British Council after a youth game between Sparta Prague and West Ham (James Tomkins was in the Hammers youth side that day). 

I had a good chat with Ludo and his wife on the touchline of Sparta's vast array of training pitches. We had a laugh about his song (bizarrely he claimed that Banik Ostrava was not that near Moscow being 1000 miles away). I also got the impression that he regarded fellow Czech Tomas Repka as a bit of a headcase, like we all did.

The next time we met was at the end of the Europa Conference League Final in Prague in 2023. He happily posed for photos with my pal DC (pictured above) and myself and again he was great with us two delirious fans. Another memory of Ludo is when I was writing for Fortunes Always Hiding fanzine and we published the exclusive Ludek Miklosko column — it was written in indecipherable Czech apart from odd phrases like "Ford Escort Turbo", "Romford Market" and "Benjy's nightclub". 

Ludo was Lou Macari's best signing and played 374 times for the Irons and of course we all remember his performance against Man United in 1995 that sent the title to Blackburn. He was Mr Consistency and it's hard to remember him making many mistakes. And of course there was the "Ludo Launch" when playing out from the back wasn't a thing. At 64 cancer got him much too early.

If St Peter is asking, "Oi Big Boy what's your name?" we will all know the answer. Rest in Peace Ludo.

The joy of six

West Ham 6 (six) Wrexham 0

We watch this in the Heritage Hotel at Torquay, accompanied by a bloke who grew up in Hornchurch now living in Spain who is buying properties in the area and his mate who is a Wrexham fan. Meanwhile disturbing news arrives on WhatsApp that Matt and Lisa are in Wales and requesting a half and half scarf, "for a Welsh friend".

Initially the Hammers have most of the game with Bowen having a shot tipped on to the bar by Patterson and Piroe shooting over from a good position. The opener arrives when Solomon finds Morato, getting a game in place of Scarles, whose low cross is expertly steered home by Jarrod Bowen.

Mavropanos makes a poor clearance but then retrieves the situation by clearing off the line from Dobson. That's about Wrexham's only chance. Soon after Castellanos feeds Piroe who fires into the top of the net.

The second half begins with a corner headed home by the Greek Bloke. That's Dinos's third of the season. What sort of thing is happening here?

Walker-Peters has come on for the injured Veltman and makes a surging break from this own area. A quick one-two sees him set up Taty for the fourth. Blimey, it's time for more Camden Pale Ale. It's amazing what confidence does, we're playing with verve and freedom.

Manor Solomon who has had a great game plays a fine ball over the top for sub Mo Kante to score an excellent fifth. We might have found a new lucky pub. we look on in disbelief as Solomon is set up by Walker-Peters to fire in the sixth, in off the post. 

The only Hollywood display has been from West Ham. For the first time in 131 years we've had six different scorers in one game. This is as they say a statement result. Shame I was on holiday for it.

The day had begun with Amanda Staveley admitting she had tried to buy David Sullivan's shares and saying she saw huge potential in the club. Then Edson Alvarez had gone on record to deny that his family had ever kidnapped a documentary film-maker, as you do. Followed by WHU scoring six. Just a typical day at West Ham really. Come on you Irons!