Hammers get the job done on Derby day

West Ham 3 Derby County 0

Tomas Soucek is on the pitch pre-kick off talking about his comeback. No-one can understand a word he says via his accent and the PA, though perhaps potato salad and heading fridges are mentioned. Let's hope he's back soon. I'm joined by Nigel in his 2010 Robin Trower tour t-shirt, Big Sam, Matt, Lisa and Michael in his beloved Bowen shirt. Off the pitch Daniel Kretinsky seems to have won the shares battle against Amanda Staveley and we still can't get rid of David Sullivan.

It's very hot again and for much of the game the sun is in our eyes. Pablo seems to be injured so Piroe partners Taty up front and Veltman gets the nod at right-back. West Ham make the best possible start when Bowen crosses, Taty heads back across the box and the unmarked Piroe has a tap-in. 

Derby don't look very good but the Irons just can't get a second goal. A fine ball from Castellanos sees Bowen prod wide when well-placed and then Jarrod produces a good low save from Zetterstrom. The Derby keeper then makes a superb save from the Greek Bloke's towering header. The half ends with Taty shooting just wide after good play with Mukasa. County's only half-chance is thwarted by a fine saving tackle from Max Kilman.

At half-time we discuss the work of the late Richard O'Sullivan in Man About the House. He taught Nigel everything he knows about flat-sharing. Mystic May predicts a 3-0 home win as everyone else goes for a draw or a 2-0 win.

The second half sees Bowen fire straight at the keeper and a fine move between Bowen and Mukasa set up Solomon for a volley he slices to the keeper. The winger has impressed with his turns of pace and dribbling though. We're all a bit worried at just 1-0 as Derby bring on endless subs. 

Orford comes on to allow Mukasa to play further forward but Derby come into it a bit more. Luckily they are fairly powderpuff in attack. There a hopeful handball claim against the Greek Bloke and a free kick fired wide by Salvesen and that's it. 

BREAKING COUNTY LINES

"Try playing it forward lads!" suggests the exasperated Vicar's Son as West Ham pass it around at the back. Austbo and Boiro (the ballpoint from Wolverhampton) come on as Nuno risks changing the entire left side on 77 minutes. Boiro fluffs his first couple of passes then makes a decent run down the left. We wonder if Boiro is the man to take pens.

It takes until the 87th minute for the game to be put to bed. Engels, who has had a fine busy game, surges down the right and finds Bowen. Jarrod's shot is blocked but deflects kindly to Austbo who scores with some glee. "Asbo" is probably relieved he won't be sent to Middlesbrough.

Asbo clearly has something about him as his next pass finds late sub Kante. Mo takes a touch or two and wallops a finish into the bottom corner before running to the corner flag. His first goal for West Ham and a great confidence-booster for him. Three-nil is a much more impressive scoreline but most important is the clean sheet.

We head to the Eagle, where the mysteries of the fridge reveal bottles of Butcombe Gold ale. In the beer garden a mouse scurries around like Arne Engels. Matt channels Cheers to reveal that crisps are a relatively new invention. We discuss how good it is not to have VAR and Matt says he hasn't noticed the refs in this division, which must be a first. It's something of a musical night ahead as Matt and Lisa are going to see Frank Turner in Clapham, Nigel is watching Robin Trower and Michael's off to view Darts (the band, not Luke Littler).

So it's two home wins in a row and seven points in a week. Interestingly 11 players have scored for WHU this season. The squad is now settled and the kids are getting experience. If we can get something against Bolton and Wrexham this week then things might really be improving.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Veltman 7, Mavropanos 6, Kilman 6, Scarles 6 (Boiro 5); Bowen 7 (Kante n/a), Engels 7, Mukasa 6 (Morato n/a), Solomon 7 (Austbo 7); Castellanos 6 (Orford 6), Piroe 6.

Divine intervention as Mukasa double tames Wolves

West Ham 4 (four) Wolves 2

There's much mayhem at the turnstiles as lots of season tickets read red, but eventually we all get in, even if the digital readers might be trying to tell us something. Before the kick-off deadline day loan signing Morato is paraded on the pitch as if he's Vinicius Junior. I'm joined by Matt, Lisa, Michael, Nigel and his lucky Stranglers bag and Big Sam, set to see if we can do it on a wet Tuesday night in Bolton.

Wolves have the better of the exchanges in the first half an hour, though as Michael points out, Pablo does give us a bit of extra steel disrupting behind the front line even if he doesn't score. The Portugeeezer returns from injury looking creative and trying backheels. But Wolves go closest, as Jimenez's shot goes into the ground and bounces on to the bar and then Mane hits the bar after Walker-Peters misjudges the flight of the ball. We're still missing a ball-winner in midfield.

We need a goal to steady nerves and one duly arrives. Just as Mystic Morris remarks that Mukasa hasn't done much yet, Pablo plays a clever chip to Walker-Peters on the right. His cross is cleared to Engels, who plays a short ball to Mukasa outside the box, who wallops an absolute screamer in off the bar. That's why Man City have signed him, the boy has Divine talent. 

Piroe has grown into the game and does well to turn into the box before winning a penalty. Jarrod Bowen sends Sa the wrong way to make it 2-0. Suddenly the side starts to play with confidence. What could possibly go wrong when you're 2-0 up against a newly-relegated team? Well, a lucky deflection falling to Munetsi, who isn't challenged effectively by the Greek Bloke and scores with a fine finish into the corner. We recall bad memories of Burnley. Wolves' half-time team talk will be to run at our shaky defence.

At half-time we're strangely offered four pints of Lost lager by some lads who have over-ordered. It's cold but not very drinkable. The second half begins with Wolves hitting the side-netting. But just as we're getting nervous a good move on the right sees Pablo jump over the ball to free Bowen who finds Mukasa. He has a shot from the edge of the area. The ball takes a big deflection and lopes over Sa. A bit lucky but if you don't shoot you don't score and two goals will kickstart Mukasa's first-team career.

DOUBLE FOR DINOS

On come Veltman and Castellanos in like-for-like substitutions.The crowd get going and West Ham win a corner after a powerful Bowen run and shot is palmed away. Michael says this is the moment for the Greek Bloke. It is indeed. The GB heads Engel's excellent corner on to the bar and then wallops the rebound into the top of the net. He runs to our corner where none of us have ever doubted him.

Just as we're dreaming of five, Wolves break down the right and Tchatchoua's cross is diverted into his own net by Mavropanos. It's been a very mixed evening for the Greek Bloke, though to be fair he's returning from injury.

We're nervous again at 4-2. Kante and Lamadrid come on for Pablo and Mukasa. Matt seems to have missed Andy Burnham's memo about embracing positivity as he bemoans some lacklustre clearances. When there's a late cameo from new signing Austbo, Michael remarks that he isn't the first Asbo we've seen at West Ham.

The Hammers hold on to win and the result is everything — that first win will instil confidence and another boost is that finally the window has shut. In Ye Olde Black Bull we're joined by Matt's two Wainwright-bagging Wolves mates and over Brixton Pale Ale we discuss the projected Big Sam musical as well as those who have played for both clubs such as Kevin Keen and Shaun Newton, who only cost ten grand. We've beaten a team that will probably be our promotion rivals so this is progress even if we are still letting in too many goals. Now for Derby on Saturday.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 6 (Veltman 6), Mavropanos 5, Kilman 6, Scarles 7; Bowen 7, Engels 7, Mukasa 8 (Kante 5), Solomon 6 (Austbo 5); Pablo 7 (Lamadrid 5), Piroe 6 (Castellanos 5).

Drawing drawing West Ham

Watford 1 West Ham 1

It's an undercover trip to Vicarage Road with Watford fans from my sports book group for this one. Pre-match fare is decidedly upmarket compared to Stratford's egg, chips and beans with a trip to the Fratelli Italian restaurant. I'm joined by the two Peters, Simon and Adrian, a classics teacher hoping for a Homer win. The broccoli tagliatelle is indeed excellent. The only downside is a programme disaster — the club don't print them anymore.

The game begins with the rain coming down, the Watford ultras banging their drum and Elton John's Your Song on the PA, a bit gentle as a rallying cry but nice to hear it again. The lyrics are also written on the back of the stand, which must make Bernie Taupin proud, though he's probably a Lincoln City fan.

Nuno has rather surprisingly dropped Piroe, bringing in Mukasa. Veltman keeps his place and Kyle Walker-Peters is switched to left back while, with the Greek Bloke injured, Golambeckis makes his full league debut.

"Come on your 'Orns!" says the scoreboard and the Hornets do raise their game, causing early problems. Tackles fly in. Kante fires wide with a half-chance but Watford are looking dangerous with the pacy Maamma ("my Maamma we're all crazy now?") causing Walker-Peters problems. Hermansen fists away a dangerous cross and the ball comes out to the tricky Nabizada. Veltman could do a bit better closing him down, but the tricky young Afghanistan winger scores with a clever stepover and chip over Hermansen into the far corner. 

One-nil down after 19 minutes and it looks ominous. Watford almost make it two as only a fine save from Hermansen and great block from Walker-Peters deny the Hornets. Thankfully defender Kevin Keben decides to help, possibly trying to shield the ball out of play but ending up dribbling it along the line towards his own goal. The ball almost goes out but the tenacious Taty Castellanos keeps going to nick it into the goalmouth and it's deflected in off Pollock for a comedy goal. Still, we'll take it.

That goal settles the Hammers who then get on top. Much closer to the pitch that at the London Stadium we get to see some Premier League control from Jarrod Bowen as he expertly brings the ball down. "Buy some fucking players!" chant the Watford Ultras, expressing  a sentiment West Ham fans would also agree with.

After the break the Hammers have most of the play, though Watford always look dangerous on the break. Bowen has WHU's only shot on target straight at Ravaglia. Bowen's cross then goes dangerously across the face of goal before Solomon has a goal bound shot blocked. Engels comes into the game more and Solomon is dangerous on the left, though the Irons still lack creativity. Nuno brings on Piroe and Orford for Mukasa and Kante. 

Piroe shoots wide from a decent position, Solomon cuts in and has another goalbound shot blocked. Watford break and Bravo fires over before the Hornets force a couple of corners. 

West Ham almost win it when there's neat interplay between Orford and Castellanos to set up Solomon only to be denied by a great block from Mattie Pollock. He's the sort of centre back we'll see a lot of in the Championship, big, rugged and committed and West Ham have to learn to never mind the Pollocks and find a way to get behind them.

So it ends 1-1, a hard-fought game and a lesson for the Hammers that this season won't be easy. One bonus is that the 18-year-old Golambeckis looked composed at centre back and made some fine interceptions. 

There's a chorus of "your getting sacked in the morning!" at the end from the away fans which doesn't help anyone. We're playing a lot of youngsters and new signings and it's going to take time to gel. It's five games in, including the Carabao Cup, and we've won two, drawn two and lost one. Let's see what comes before the window closes and then judge Nuno in the autumn.

So it's a wet slog past the Yellow Brick Road mural to Watford High Street station. Two away draws in the league this season isn't a disaster but we now have to pick up wins at home starting with the next two games against Wolves and Derby. After those we'll have a clearer idea where our season is going.

PLAYER RATINGS; Hermansen 7; Veltman 6, Golambeckis 7, Kilman 6, Walker-Peters 6; Bowen 7, Kante 5 (Orford 6), Engels 6, Mukasa 5 (Piroe 5), Solomon 7, Castellanos 6.

If the kids are United: Hammers' comeback stuns Saints

Southampton 1 West Ham 4 (four) (Carabao Cup)

Nigel and Big Sam are at this one to see West Ham's side of kids in the Carabao Cup. It's a brave selection from Nuno starting with youngsters Herrick, Golambeckis, Mayers, Kante, Orford, Lamadrid, Mukasa and Josh Ajala up front. Max Kilman is on babysitting duty. Billy Bragg is in midfield for the Saints, hoping to be called up for Tuchel's new England.

It looks like the weakened Hammers will be going out after ten minutes when Kilman's header is gathered by Scienza who slaloms across the area without a challenge and slides it past Herrick. "One-nil to the empty seats!" chant the West Ham fans, referencing the empty stand at St Mary's.

But slowly the Irons grow into the game. Lamadrid has a shot, Kilman heads a corner wide and some nifty footwork from Piroe produces a good save.

West Ham are level when keeper Peretz gets under Orford's corner and Josh Ajala is at the back post to head home an easy first goal for the Hammers. 

The Irons take the lead early in the second half when Stephens' clearance falls to Ajala who scores with a quick finish. That's a lovely moment for Ajala who definitely has something about him and might save the club a lot of money.

Nuno brings on four first-teamers in Bowen, Castellanos, Engels and Solomon on 59 minutes. Golambeckis's long ball is gathered by the overlapping Veltman who sets up Taty for a tap-in. Encouragingly Taty is all smiles after his goal and doesn't look like a player who might seek a move before the window closes. Its gets better as Orford finds Bowen, who cuts inside the Saints' defence for a typical finish to make it 4-1.

There are a lot of positives from this. Ajala got two goals, Orford had two assists, Golambeckis and Herrick marked their full debuts with a win, it's more experience for Kante, Lamadrid and Mayers and Mukasa looks a skilful addition for the season. Agent Nigel reports that Veltman was excellent too.

This is a morale-boosting result after the Charlton defeat and now some of these players must be pushing to start at Watford. The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff remains on. Come on you Irons! 

Defensive woes gift win to Addicks

West Ham United 1 Charlton Athletic 2

In the Best Meze Cafe we find a full turn-out of Nigel, Matt, Lisa, Big Sam and Michael. Matt is regaling us with stories of the colleague who thought Dannii Minogue was a man and then the ace trivia fact that Charlton's Nathaniel Chalobah once played six minutes for England.

Michael leaves early to buy a replica West Ham shirt with Bowen's name on the back. He's been talking about not renewing his season ticket all summer, drinking whisky after hours in Rick's Cafe and reminiscing about George Parris. But now, in Victor Lazlo fashion, we welcome him back to the fight — and this time we know our side probably won't win.

Before the match Mystic Matt has predicted that we need to keep any eye on the speedy Tyreece Campbell and that we don't want to concede an early goal as Charlton are strong defensively. So we duly concede a goal from a throw-in after seven minutes. Mavropanos and Kante leave it to each other, the ball bounces and Jones scores with an overhead kick. Hermansen could possibly have reacted a bit quicker.

For the rest of the half West Ham pass it round without any real penetration. Walker-Peters is lucky when he is robbed and Leaburn fires into the side netting on the break. Solomon looks lively and has a goal-bound shot blocked and that's about it. Engels is busy but isn't as yet improving our dialectical materialism. Scarles gets in good crossing positions but can't find a free man and the double striker partnership of Castellanos and Piroe isn't working. Just before the break Scarles does find the head of Taty, but he can only head straight at Okonkwo.

At half-time there's a massive queue at the water point which makes you wonder if Thames Water are in charge. The second half sees Nuno brings on Orford for Kante. But before that change can bring results the Hammers are two goals down. The Greek Bloke should play it simple to Kilman but instead tries to beat his man and is tackled by Leaburn. The Charlton striker finds Campbell who races through to score with a fine finish. Was that Dinos thinking he's still a Premier League player? You can't be complacent in this division and he's clearly missing Disasi alongside him. 

West Ham do give it a go after that. Orford looks after the ball well and Bowen responds to the crowd getting behind him. Solomon sets up Piroe for an effort saved by Okonkwo. Taty heads wide from Scarles' cross. Bowen can't quite connect from Piroe's cross. Nuno hauls off the Greek Bloke and Scarles for Veltman and Mukasa, our former Academy product now loaned back from Man City.

On 74 minuted comes a lifeline. Bowen gets in a decent cross, Taty's effort is saved by Okonkwo but Piroe is there to fire into the roof of the net for a good poacher's goal. Engels wins the ball to find Bowen and from Jarrod's cross Mukasa fires in a first-time shot that is brilliantly saved by the impressive Okonkwo. A good start from young Mukasa. Then Bowen cuts inside two defenders in a trademark run to fire just wide.

SPOT OF BOTHER

In the 93rd minute Solomon finds Mukasa who plays it to Orford on the edge of the box. His shot is blocked by our former man Conor Coventry with an outstretched arm and it's a penalty. There's mystification in the crowd as Castellanos goes to take it rather than Bowen. Has the official penalty-taker been changed? If not then Bowen should have asserted his authority as captain. It heaps pressure on Castellanos. He does one of those irritating stop-start penalties and strikes the ball against the post. If it's the last kick of the game then just blast it.

So it's a very poor start of one point from six. We've lost to a team managed by a character from a Bananarama song in Nathan Jones. Though had that penalty gone in we might have had something to hold on to. Still, some of the rancour online is a bit over-the-top. The Hammers certainly have to cut out the defensive errors, but the last half an hour was encouraging even if we need to improve the crossing and stop passing sideways. We have to remember that Piroe, Engels and Mukasa were making their debuts and Solomon was only in his second game. We managed to lose a game having 77 per cent possession and 25 shots. On that basis results will surely come, though on the other hand Nuno could be gone if we don't get results against Watford, Wolves and Derby.

In the Eagle the Guinness is refreshingly cold and Nigel is reminiscing about 1970s quiz show Mr and Mrs and Mind Your Language and why Richard O'Sullivan supported Southampton in Man About The House, while Michael knows a lot about The Golden Shot. Michael is fresh from watching Mark Almond supporting Bucks Fizz and proudly displays a picture of himself with Jay Aston. 

Meanwhile Matt has discovered that Piroe is the 100th West Ham player to score on his debut and asks us to name the rest. Nigel and Sam are heading to Southampton on Tuesday and you wonder what sort of side Nuno will put out. The big game is now against Elton John's boys on Saturday. We have to acclimatise to this division and quickly.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 5, Mavropanos 4 (Veltman 6), Kilman 6, Scarles 6 (Mukasa 6); Engels 6, Kante 5 (Orford 7); Bowen 7, Castellanos 5, Piroe 6, Solomon 6. 

Hammers blow lead in claret and blue derby: Fullkrug and AWB go while Piroe signs

Burnley 2 West Ham 2

Watched this one at the Royal Oak in Lewes while on a mini-break in Sussex. The Irons' game has one screen while the rest of the pub is watching some minor match between Arsenal and Man City. 

My pint of Long Man is good and the Hammers stroke it around quite well early on. WHU take an early lead when Bowen's corner is nodded home by Max Kilman, who has lost his marker. His first goal for the club and a confidence-booster for Max.

Manor Solomon is giving the Hammers a better shape on the left but the eager but callow centre midfield of Kante and Orford is prone to getting caught on the break. Burnley slice a good chance wide and Hermansen's poor clearance also gifts them a chance. But at the break West Ham seem to be in control.

Pablo goes off injured at half-time and on comes James Ward-Prowse. Burnley come out looking much more determined. We forget to mark Flemming. First the Burnley man heads against the post and then has another header headed off the line by Ollie Scarles.

Bowen can't really get into the game and Taty is well-marshalled, but it looks over when Kante makes a surging run down the right, just keeping the ball in play, and fires in a low cross that is parried out by the Weiss and Solomon is on hand to shoot home.

It looks like an easy win from there on until the 83rd minute when Scarles, who has played well otherwise, lunges in and gives a penalty away with a rash challenge on Edwards. Flemming duly converts.

West Ham drop deep England-style and concede several corners. In the 92nd minute there's a melee from a corner and Flemming is on hand to scuff it home. Nice to know we still can't hold on to a lead. Burnley deserve their point and this is proof it won't be easy in the Championship.

A point away from home isn't a disaster, particularly with Kante and Orford making their full league debuts, but the Hammers need to be more ruthless. Michael the Whovian makes an interesting point on WhatsApp when he notes that we faded after Pablo went off. His heresy du jour is that, "although he doesn't score Pablo is very effective in closing down the back four and defensive midfielders. He breaks them up. He also brings balance to the side and gives confidence to Taty."

At least Engels might improve our means of production. Now Fullkrug has departed on loan to Bremen, probably still very angry, and Wan-Bissaka has been loaned to Aston Villa. We've finally signed a striker in Joel Piroe from Leeds, who looked very effective in the Championship where he was top scorer when Leeds won the title, but couldn't really do it in the Premier League. Encouragingly the Dutch-born striker and Surinam international also scored a goal every two games for Swansea in the Championship during his two seasons in Wales. 

He might be the next Ricardo Vaz Te as he failed to score for Leeds in 16 Premier League games but can certainly play at this level — and did have to compete with Calvert-Lewin last season. My fellow season-ticket holder Matt points out that West Ham have never had a player called Joel and in the space of a few days now have two in Joel Piroe and Joel Veltman. Billy Joel might be arriving next.

So let's see what Charlton can do on Saturday when confronted with a full house at the London Stadium. The rebuild is still underway, but we have to pick up points at home. COYI!

Engels arrives to improve condition of the East London working classes

West Ham seem to have finally got their man with Arne Engels having a medical after the club agreed a £22m fee with Celtic, rising to £25m with add-ons — a record signing for the Championship. Bids for Lenin and Marx have not as yet been accepted, though admittedly these might be a hard sell in Clacton. But full marks to the club for only signing players with an eye to headlines for this blog.

Nils Koppen has made a big effort to sign him and presumably Nuno sees him as performing a similar role too Mateus Fernandes. He's billed as a right-sided midfielder who can also play at right-back. As he won't be replacing Jarrod Bowen he'll presumably be alongside him on the centre right of midfield. Looking at the videos, which is never entirely reliable, he seems to be a hard-working box-to-box midfielder who is good at receiving the ball and turning. He's scored a few goals for Celtic and can also take decent corners. Arne is a famous Belgian who has won the league with Celtic, which is certainly an improvement on signing players from relegated clubs. He should have a winning mentality. Will we be loving Engels instead? Let's hope so.