Just relegation for the claret and blue

West Ham 3 Leeds United 0 

The Best Meze Cafe is serving unusually quickly on a sweltering Survival Sunday, though Nigel is miffed that the breakfast menu is off after 2pm. CQ is wearing her lucky rosary beads, Nigel has his lucky Stranglers bag and banana and I have my lucky West Ham woolly hat, but Matt and Lisa have eschewed lucky Dukla Prague away shirts for civilian attire (though Matt has a t-shirt reading "Don't worry") and Michael has left his lucky Jonathan Spector shirt at home. 

We're joined in the stadium by Big Sam who is up from Wales, plus the bloke who looks like Mark Kermode and our new friend Pebbles and co. Bubbles is particularly loud as we all anxiously scroll for news fromTottenham. Can David Moyes save West Ham a third time? All we can do is try to do our bit and win.

Wan-Bissaka is dropped for Walker-Peters after a poor display at Newcastle while the Sun reports that Todibo has refused to play after a row with Nuno when he was subbed at Newcastle. The £33 million Todibo has fallen out with three managers now and we should clearly sell him, though after this latest outburst who will buy him?

Leeds look pretty up for it as West Ham start nervously. Nmecha miscues a good chance and Hermansen has to make a fine stop with his legs to deny Calvert-Lewin. For the Irons Pablo has a goalbound effort deflected over by Soucek and Fernandes tests Darlow with a long-range effort. Bad news arrives from Spurs just before the break, where Palinha has put them ahead against Everton.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time and Nuno bring on Wilson for Pablo. West Ham look more effective as Wilson sets ups Taty for a chance, only for the striker to slip as he shoots. The breakthrough comes when Walker-Peters forces a corner. Bowen curls over a lovely ball and Castellanos gets above his man too head home at the back post.

We're still relying on Everton scoring twice though. The West Ham fans join the Leeds fans in a chorus of "We sold our soul for this shithole!" Though it's surely not good for morale to be chanting against our own ground. For all its faults the London Stadium has seemed more like home since Christmas with the fans really getting behind the side. The owners are the real problem.

BOWEN BOWEN GONE?

The fans are singing some very rude songs about David Sullivan as Fernandes plays a great through ball to Bowen. Jarrod scores with a lovely finish from a tight angle. We've been saying he looks like he's carrying an injury but he's still got an assist and a goal. Though is this his final goal for the Hammers?

Wilson is denied by a fine save from Darlow. In the 94th minute Callum is set up by Summerville and scores with a rocket from outside the box. The celebrations are muted as Spurs are still winning.

The game ends with nine minutes of added purgatory still being played at Spurs. But there is never much hope Everton will score twice and we're finally relegated on 39 points, the biggest points total of a relegated side since 2011.

The players do a subdued lap of honour with Bowen looking particularly gutted. Relegation really came with the defeats at Brentford and Newcastle. We trudge off to the Eagle reflecting on all the points lost, at home to Forest, away to Wolves, at home to Brentford after Nuno's tinkering, at Chelsea after being two goals up, at home to Fulham. 

Inside the Eagle it's relegation drinks all round, as Lisa tests the bar staff with a request for a spritzer and receives the fanciest glasses in the building. "Who will be our Kevin Nolan in the Championship?" asks a mournful Michael. We're more likely to end up with Coleen Nolan. Nigel informs us that for the first time the Premier League won't have a team in it starting with the letter "W'. Matt stuns everyone with the claim that he used to be a hot air ballooning correspondent, though we think this could be a Call My Bluff-style tall story. He's also also been to see Black Box Recorder, but doesn't think lyrics of, "life is unfair, get over it or kill yourself" could have any relevance to West Ham.

We try to take the positives. We'll get to hear the jokes of Geoff the comedian in the Burnley hospitality lounge again, Nigel's mate Adrian will get him a ticket for Wolves, I'll be able to go to Stoke on a wet Wednesday night, Lincoln is a very nice city, Wrexham will be playing Hollywood balls and Westfield will be looking forward to the visit of Millwall. Even better Nigel has a forthcoming gig to enjoy with scrumpy and Western idols the Wurzels.

Who will be left next season with the club posting debts of £104m last year and a fire-sale inevitable? Will Nuno stay or go? Can the Academy kids be United? At least the hope is over. It's time for a break from football. All we have to do is brave the celebrating Arsenal fans on the tube  home. We'll be back one day and hopefully with new owners. Come on you relegated Irons.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Disasi 6, Mavropanos 7, Diouf 5; Bowen 8, Fernandes 7, Soucek 6, Summerville 7, Pablo 5 (Wilson 7), Castellanos 7 (Kante n/a).

It's the hope we can't take...

Never mind minor events in north London. Just when we're getting used to embracing despair along come Chelsea to offer a glimmer of hope. After Tottenham's unexpected win at a woeful Aston Villa we feared the worst for Spurs' trip to Stamford Bridge. But thankfully they lost 2-1. It could have been different if Cucurella's late wrestling had resulted in a penalty but perhaps that's payback for the VAR decision not to penalise Rice or Trossard against Arsenal.

So now we have to beat Leeds and Spurs must lose at home to Everton. We couldn't could we? It's perhaps a 20 per cent chance of staying up. Leeds have several injuries and are safe, but even so we'd have to improve a lot on the Newcastle performance to win. 

We're relying on David Moyes doing us a massive favour and motivating his side to win at Spurs. But if Everton could get an early goal then the Spurs crowd would get very anxious — and they haven't won at home since December 6th. With Pickford in goal and big lumps like Tarkowski and O'Brien at the back and Beto up front, plus the skilful Dewsbury-Hall, there's some hope. Everton had a decent second half against us a few weeks ago.

But stop, this way madness lies. All West Ham can do is try to win. If we went down with 39 points we could at least claim to be slightly unlucky. It will soon be all over one way or another. Perhaps Spurs could oblige by sending over a spy to our training ground. Come on you Irons and Toffees! 

Early goals plunge West Ham towards the drop

Newcastle United 3 West Ham United 1 

We're off to the not-that-lucky-pub the Floirin for this vital game. In a middle-class football fan crisis I've managed to change my tickets for Churchill's Urinal at the King's Head Theatre to another night and can now make the 5.30pm kick-off. Matt and Lisa are in the pub drinking Guinness with Nigel, carrying his 'lucky' Stranglers bag and an antique Kettering programme featuring loanee Callum Wilson in the line-up.

Nuno has gone for five at the back and surprisingly dropped Taty Castellanos for Callum Wilson. Newcastle put us under pressure from the start and have a handball VAR penalty claim against Soucek, thankfully denied. 

Some say it's best not to concede two early goals in a relegation decider. Hermansen misjudges his throw out to Todibo, who rather than take a yellow card for a foul, allows Barnes to get past him and cross. Soucek has stepped up and away from Woltemade who scores his first goal since December — another striker whose career we have rescued. 

Four minutes later the Toon slice through West Ham, Ramsey has too much space on the right and Osula strolls between the three centre backs to score. Nuno looks like he's about to call the Samaritans. He rips up his game plan after 26 minutes and replaces Todibo with Castellanos. The Irons play better after that. Jimmy Summerville comes alive with a fine dribble that sets up Castellanos who shoots against the keeper. Diouf's follow-up is saved as well. Wilson then misses another inviting Summerville cross.

The second half sees a Fernandes shot straight at the keeper and a desperate Nuno bring on Pablo and Kante for Wan-Bissaka and Soucek, who has been lucky to avoid a red card for kicking Guimaraes. An irate Matt is choking on his Guinness as Diouf's throw-in is miscontrolled by the hapless Pablo, allowing Willock to play a one-two with Osula who bags his second goal to make it 3-0.

Just as it looks game over Hermansen punts a kick down the pitch and Castellanos brilliantly volleys over Pope from 30-yards out. The best goal of the game, though we've relied on a moment of individual brilliance rather than getting anywhere with our team play.

The Irons give it a go after that. Wilson tries to pass instead of shooting and has a penalty claim denied, Bowen fires straight at Pope when well-placed and Taty volleys Diouf's cross against the angle. Castellanos then forces a save from Pope with a back-header from Pablo's ball in to the box.

DARKNESS ON THE EDGE OF TOON

But we're never to claw back a three-goal deficit. The chants of "You're not fit to wear the shirt!" from the away fans aren't really fair, as it's a lack of quality rather than effort that has cost us. And after a good second half of the season the form of players like Diouf, the Greek Bloke and Disasi has suddenly tailed off.

So we're effectively down barring the miracle of Spurs losing twice, and we can't be sure of beating Leeds on this form. The fault is not entirely Nuno's, though he picked the wrong side has been in charge since September, but mainly David Sullivan and the board's for a complete lack of strategy appointing managers and directors of football and some terrible recruitment. We've got some decent players like Bowen, Summerville, Castellanos, Soucek and Fernandes who will surely now be sold off in a WHU fire sale.

As the darkness descends on West Ham Matt, Lisa and Nigel head off to the favourite curry house of the Darkness on Holloway Road. At least West Ham's  rent will go down a couple of million pounds and we'll be able to welcome Millwall. It was the hope we couldn't take, now unless Spurs are caught spying, we can concentrate on the despair.

VAR mayhem robs West Ham of point

West Ham 0 Arsenal 1

Pre-match it's a pint of IPA in Hackney Wick's Crate with daughter Lola and her boyfriend Michael, hoping to reduce the tension. In the stadium, we find a clean-shaven Big Sam up from Wales, Nigel and his lucky Stranglers bag, super sub Lisa and Matt wearing his tee-shirt from the last game at the Boleyn, ten years ago to the day. Michael the thespian is away, possibly giving Keir Starmer lessons in vision and dramatic delivery.

Nuno opts for five at the back bringing in Todibo for Pablo. The atmosphere is fervent and tense, though Arsenal dominate the first 25 minutes. The Greek Bloke blocks Calafiori, then from a Declan Rice corner Hermansen has to save brilliantly from Trossard, who hits the outside of the post from the rebound. Next up Rice whips in a free-kick and Mavropanos has to make another great block close to the line. Arsenal seem to get most of the decisions and earn some revived chants of "Same old Arsenal, always cheating!"

It takes a crunching tackle from Summerville to get the crowd going. Ben White is injured in the 50-50 and has to go off, with Rice temporarily shifted to become an unlikely right-back. West Ham start to threaten at the end of the half. Bowen almost plays in Diouf and Summerville finally gets a run at the Arsenal defence before shooting wide. The best chance comes when Wan-Bissaka storms down the right and plays in a cross and Taty Castellanos' diving header is parried by Raya.

We're happy to be 0-0 at half-time, hoping that Arsenal will get increasingly nervous. The Irons start the second half with more confidence. Taty has a shot blacked and Bowen can't connect properly with the second effort. Pablo comes on for Castellanos and puts himself about a bit. Diouf gets in a fine cross that Pablo almost reaches — though it's clearly deflected off a defender for a corner the ref gives a goal kick. After good work by Saka Gyokores heads over. This could go either way.

At 0-0 comes a turning point. Mateus Fernandes plays a neat give and go with Pablo and is through on goal, but he takes one touch too many and Raya makes a great save with his outstretched foot.

Almost inevitably it's 1-0 to the Arsenal seven minutes from time. Impressive sub Odegaard exchanges passes with Rice before picking out Trossard, whose shot is deflected in off Soucek. Some Arsenal fans in the Billy Bonds Stand cheer the goal, 1980s-style aggro erupts and there are ugly scenes as one of them is kicked down the steps with the stewards slow to react. 

ALWAYS CRASHING IN THE SAME VAR 

Callum Wilson is on for Disasi as the game moves into added time. After a knock-down from the Greek Bloke Wilson's shot is deflected wide for a corner. "Come on you Irons!" plead the crowd. Mads Hermansen comes up for it. Bowen's corner comes over and there's an almighty scramble in the box. Raya fumbles his catch the ball drops loose and is cleared, but then thumped over the line by Wilson before Rice can boot it out from the back of the net. The London Stadium erupts and Arsenal's title dream is now in the balance. 

Only after the angry Gunners surround the ref it's a sodding VAR check on Pablo's arm as Arteta leaps around the touchline crying wolf about blocking goalkeepers. There's a five minute stoppage before ref Chris Kavanagh is called to the monitor. He watches the incident 17 times before disallowing the goal, which hardly suggests it's a clear and obvious decision. After review, VAR favours the title challengers.

The replay reveals that Pablo's arm is across Raya's neck, though he's arguably using it for leverage, and is also being pushed into the keeper by Trossard. It's the sort of challenge on keepers that Arsenal have been getting away with several times this season. To make it worse there are numerous fouls on West Ham players as the ball comes in and before Pablo's challenge. Rice drags the Greek Bloke into the back of the net, Soucek is bundled to the floor, Todibo is being wrestled by Odegaard and Trossard is holding and pushing Pablo. Mick McManus and Giant Haystacks are probably in there as well. If you give one foul in the box you surely have to give them all and award West Ham a penalty or more accurately four penalties. Infamy, infamy.

So that's it. Arsenal are going to win the league and relegation looks likely for West Ham. We've payed well and with spirit. A point would have given WHU a real boost for the next two games. I apologise to Lola for introducing her to West Ham, though perhaps heartache is good for the soul.

We resignedly head to the Eagle for Guinness and Tayto crisps. Nigel is at least cheered by Rochdale beating Boreham Wood (Matt has an interesting fact about them) and has a good trivia quiz question about John Moncur's son George. Not to mention some recent meeting Ian Gillan stories. All better than thinking about Lincoln away. We've now got to hope it goes Spursy yet again, and win our final two matches. It's not looking good but we gave Arsenal a game and deserved a point. COYI!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 7; Wan-Bissaka 7, Mavropanos 8, Disasi 7 (Wilson 7), Todibo 7, Diouf 7; Soucek 7, Fernandes 7; Bowen 7, Castellanos 7 (Pablo 6), Summerville 7. 

Bad luck, bad defending and Emery's dodgy line-up push WHU back in drop zone

Brentford 3 West Ham 0

It's a nervous afternoon again listening to the game on Radio 5. Early on Pablo uses his strength well to get beyond the last defender, only he hesitates too long and under pressure allows Kelleher to save his scuffed shot. 

The Bus Stop From Hounslow take the lead after 15 minutes. Bowen allows Lewis-Potter to cut inside and cross. Kayode gets beyond Summerville to hit the post and trying to clear the Greek Bloke hits it in off the bar. 

West Ham respond well, Taty Castellanos takes down Diouf's free kick to fire against the outside of the post. Then from Diouf's free kick Mavropanos rises to power home a great header. Only it's VAR time and Dinos is ruled offside by a shoulder. 

Brentford have a couple of chances as Hermansen rushes out from his area, miscues his header, and Damsgaard shoots wide of an open goal. Then Thiago doesn't connect properly in a one-on-one with Mads. There's time for Castellanos to head Bowen's corner on to the inside of the post and then force Kelleher intro a fine save with a long-range effort. It could easily be 3-3 at half-time.

Unfortunately West Ham make the worst possible start to the second half. Outtara twists past Diouf and Malick goes to ground to concede a cheap penalty. Thiago strokes it home. Diouf has improved a lot defensively recently but that was more like the naive defender of early in the season.

THE LAST POST

Soucek has a credible penalty claim turned down. The Irons haven't given up hitting the woodwork as Jimmy Summerville performs a typical twisting dribble and thumps a shot against the bar. Soucek strikes the rebound against the outside of the post.

The third goal arrives as West Ham press forward. Sub Wan-Bissaka ambles across to his man too slowly, Traore hasn't tracked Damsgaard and the Bees man shoots though the legs of Fernandes and into the corner.

So it's 3-0 to Brentford, which hasn't reflected the game. We're relying on the kindness of strangers the next evening as Aston Villa take on Spurs. Only Unai Emery makes seven changes from the side that lost at Notts Forest in the Europa League. Clearly concentrating on Europe his zombie side allow Spurs to quickly take a two-goal lead and win 2-1, pushing West Ham back into the bottom three. 

It's not looking good, but is it all over? I still think we can get something from the Arsenal game and it's possible for it to go all Spursy, while Forest aren't out of it yet (ok they are now thanks to Chelsea). One day we'll hit the post and it will go in. Only a week ago we were celebrating Wilson's late winner against Everton. Nuno needs to keep calm and channel the players' anger at the Brentford defeat into the next match. We probably need to win two out of three matches. Otherwise it's Lincoln away.

Wilson wins it late to boost Hammers' survival hopes

West Ham 2 Everton 1

Up against the Moyesiah, what could possibly go right? In the Billy Bonds Stand we find Matt and Lisa, mysteriously not wearing colours, Nigel with his lucky Stranglers bag, ace of bass CQ, Michael the Whovian not missing Karren Brady, Big Sam busy compiling survival spreadsheets, and our new mate, the bloke who looks like Mark Kermode.

The first half is cagey. Summerville gets chopped a lot and Garner and O'Brien are booked. Disasi does some solid defending. Soucek has a header well over and Barry has a shot saved by Mads. Late on Bowen fizzes a cross across the box but Pablo, lacking that striking instinct, hasn't gambled and got on the end of it.

We really have to go for it in the second half with Spurs and Wolves drawing. Jimmy Summerville gets in a dangerous cross and Taty has a penalty appeal turned down after Pickford makes contact and our man goes down as if hit by the Grealish sniper.

The breakthrough comes on 51 minutes when Bowen curls in a corner. Pablo does well to block Pickford as Tomas Soucek gets between two defenders to head home and wheel away doing his windmill celebration. A trademark Moyes goal.

But Everton are a good side with a fine away record. Moyes brings on Tyrique George and Tim Iroegbunam, both of whom make a difference. West Ham are pressed back. Soucek and Disasi have to make a last-ditch double clearance from in front of the line after Iroegbunam's cross. You have to admire the way Disasi celebrates clearances. The crowd try to roar the Irons home.

NO DOUBTING TOMAS

A cross from George is met by Barry but Super Tomas Soucek somehow manages to head it up and onto the bar. Next there's a big appeal for a penalty after Fernandes grapples with Barry and his hand touches the ball. He might not have been able to see the ball but he still seems to flick it and we're lucky not to be punished. Mateus needs to be more careful around his own box.

Potts replaces Taty. Mystic Matt asks, "When was the last time Wilson ever did anything for us?" as Callum comes on for Pablo after 81 minutes. It seems like we've held on for a gritty one-nil win until the 88th minute. Mystic Morris predicts Everton will score 20 seconds before they do. The Greek Bloke gets his head on to yet another cross, but it falls to Tarkowski who heads back into the path of Dewsbury-Hall who scores with an emphatic half-volley. Bugger. Spurs are now winning so we'll be back in the bottom three.

But there are eight minutes of added time and the crowd stays with the Irons. With 92 minutes gone Bowen tries another cross. It's headed clear but Walker-Peters and Potts do well to recycle the ball to Diouf on the left. His fine cross is headed back across goal by Jarrod Bowen and there is Callum Wilson to keep calm and hit his shot into the ground and past the despairing Pickford. Oh yes! The crowd erupts in a mass of limbs as Wilson salutes the faithful. None of us ever doubted him. We've not since scenes like this since we won the Betway Cup.

We hold on for the remaining seven minutes as Hermansen catches the last cross to huge cheers. WHU remain two points clear of Spurs! And we've only aged about ten years in the process.

In the Eagle we retire to the hanging gardens of Chobham Road. We discuss the surprising news that Chelsea's Cucurella has a barber, who seems to have neglected to ever cut his hair. Nigel reminisces about meeting his heavy metal mate Ian Gillan and there's a competition to name the five league clubs that start and end with the same letter. There's Aston Villa and Charlton Athletic plus three others for those who can be bothered. Michael prepares to take a pew and see the Choirboys, hoping West Ham will now be singing from the same hymn sheet. 

This feels like a very big three points. We've got to hope Spurs implode at Villa and we get something at Brentford. Forest are still just about catchable. Whatever happens Nuno has effected quote a turnaround since the Forest defeat. It's in our hands now. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Disasi 8, Mavropanos 7, Diouf 7; Soucek 9, Fernandes 7; Bowen 8 (Todibo n/a), Castellanos 6 (Potts 6), Pablo 5 (Wilson 8), Summerville 7.

Brady quits as Kretinsky and Sullivan share power

It's all change at West Ham. With rather strange timing Karren Brady has announced she's quitting as vice-chair after 16 years. Most West Ham fans will feel that's a good thing. Her achievements do include negotiating a cheap rent for the London Stadium and getting 50,000 season ticket holders. But these are far outweighed by the negatives. 

Brady wildly over-promised about the move to the London Stadium and we've never got close to, "a world class stadium with a world class team." The London Stadium has improved with the squaring off of the ends and this year's games have proved you can get a decent atmosphere there, though Brady and Sullivan never really seemed to appreciate that the rake of the stands is wrong. Long-term we need to buy the LS and reconfigure at least one side of it.

Brady and Sullivan did win a trophy and stumble upon a good manager in David Moyes, though they twice let him go when he should have been kept. They've appointed a lot of duffers, with only Allardyce and Bilic being relative successes. Grant, Pellegrini, Lopetegui and Potter all failed, while going through three recruitment gurus in Rob Newman, Tim Steidten and Kyle Macaulay shows a real lack of strategy. There's a long list of terrible signings. Under Sullivan and Brady the club has looked outdated and been overtaken by smaller clubs like Brighton, Bournemouth, Fulham and Brentford. While Lord Sugar surely wouldn't approve of a £104m loss last season and a relegation struggle.

Now the Guardian reports that Daniel Kretinsky and David Sullivan are buying the late David Gold's shares and will each own 40 per cent of the club. You sense that Kretinsky has despaired at the way the club is run and now wants a bigger say. While David Sullivan hasn't gone, any change is welcome. Kretinsky is called The Sphinx because no-one knows much about him, but he will surely want to see a more efficient business making money and competing in the top half of the Premier League. Sullivan is now 77 and Kretinsky surely has his eyes on ultimately taking over.

Battling draw for Hammers in lacklustre game at Palace

Crystal Palace 0 West Ham 0

I'm at my sports book group eating pizza in Kings Cross for the first half of this fixture, while fellow-season ticket holder Nigel is at the theatre, which prompts Mystic Matt to suggest the game has gone. 

In the first half Brennan Johnson sends a free header hopelessly wide and then curls a better effort just past the post. For the Irons Castellanos has an overhead effort blocked on the line by Lacroix. The best chance comes when Diouf curls in a delicious cross and the Greek Bloke meets it with a towering header. Somehow Dean Henderson manages to claw it away with one hand. That would have been Dinos's fourth goal in four games.

For the second half I've made the Mabel Tavern, unfortunately sitting next to a Spurs supporter. It's attritional stuff with both sides breaking without much end product. Bowen and Summerville can't find the final ball, Pedro lumbers around without looking like scoring, as the Palace centre backs look very secure.

One good bit of skill from Jimmy Summerville almost sets Castellanos away only for him to be blocked in the box. When Sarr does get the ball in the net for Palace the goal is correctly disallowed for handball by Mateta. Sub Kante makes a great last-minute burst into the box to win a corner but again it comes to nothing.

So it ends nil-nil and it's two clean sheets in a row. It's not been a fluid performance but the team spirit does seem excellent. Fernandes has been very busy. Disasi and Mavropanos are both very impressive at the back and Diouf gets in some good clearances, with Walker-Peters, keeping AWB out, also doing his bit. Credit to Hermansen too, who has kept another clean sheet.

Earlier this season we would have lost this match so it's not a disaster. A win would have put WHU four points clear of Spurs and you could argue Palace must have been tired after playing in Europe. On the other hand a point away sees us two points ahead of Spurs, so it's as you were. It could be two points dropped though it could also be the point that keeps us up. The next five games will tell as we hit squeaky bum time.

Dinos and Taty at the double in Wolves thrashing

West Ham 4 (four) Wolves 0

Up against a team that hasn't won away all season - what could possibly go right? We're a little nervous in the London Stadium as our team gather. Lisa is on shift work and replaced by super sub The Gav, plus regulars Big Sam in shirtsleeves, Nigel with his Stranglers plastic bag and Mystic Matt. 

The good news is all the Leeds game absentees are playing apart from AWB, with Jimmy Summerville back on the left. Encouragingly Wolves are wearing a terrible away kit that seems to be made up of discarded turquoise women's hiking tops from Blacks. 

West Ham start quite slowly as Wolves produce some neat passing and Armstrong forces a save from Hermansen. Still, the Zen Buddhism course that Lisa has sent Matt on seems to have paid off as he's remarkably positive towards Pablo all game. 

It's attritional fare until the 42nd minute. A corner is cleared to Bowen, who cuts inside and crosses into the box. The Greek Bloke rises like the Colossus of Rhodes and snaps back his neck to power a fantastic header into the corner of Sa's net. "Greek Bloke!! Greek Bloke!!" holler Big Sam and Michael, his biggest fans. Matt says he never doubted him. Pablo has a decent low shot saved and it's 1-0 at the break.

The second half sees Taty give away a free kick on the edge of the box and Angel Gomes smacks a shot on to the post. From the rebound Summerville races clear to try and chip Sa, just missing when he should probably have passed to Castellanos.

But West Ham are playing a lot better now. Taty finds Bowen on the wing who cuts inside Krejci to strike a brilliant shot against the post. That's three times in two games Jarrod has hit the woodwork.

But there's something in the air tonight. Summerville does really well to nick the ball and find Taty. He finds Pablo who produces a Brazilian flick to play in Taty who toe-pokes home a poacher's goal to send the Bobby Moore Stand into raptures. Castellanos produces a Pablo Fornals-style salute to celebrate.

Two minutes later Bowen wins the ball off a Wolves midfielder and finds Taty on the edge of the box. He turns to fire a low effort into the bottom corner. It's three! What sort of thing is happening here? West Ham are massive, everywhere we go.

WE'VE GOT DINOS MAVROPANOS

"You're going down with the Tottenham!" chant the gleeful home fans. Bowen never stops running and wins another corner. When it comes over Dinos is being held but still manages to swivel and volley a finish worthy of Erling Haaland into the net. "Greek Bloke! Greek Bloke!" shouts Big Sam in wonderment. He's also celebrating his first league win of the season since burying a season ticket.

We're quietly confident of at least a point now. It's almost five when Bowen finds Traore. The enigmatic sub uses his speed to break clear and then chips wide of goal when he should score. Taty goes off and it's the Greek Bloke who is on a hat-trick. He's also been imperious at the back. We can actually enjoy the end of the game. 

What a weekend. Gavin is up early tomorrow to catch the coach for Lincoln versus Orient while I'm heading to Stoke versus Blackburn to see if Spurs will be able to cope with a wet Tuesday night in Stoke.

We trek to Ye Olde Black Lion for Brixton Pale Ale, where it's unusually busy and full of disbelieving Hammers. When did Dinos turn into Franz Beckenbauer? Matt thinks that giving him the captaincy at Burton might have been the turning point. Rarely can a much-derided player have turned it round in such a fashion.

Never mind returning astronauts, West Ham should be tomorrow's front page news. We're out of the bottom three and two points clear of Spurs. The pressure is on them. Anything could yet happen, but we managed to win a must-win game and the impetus is now with the Hammers. Come on you Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Disasi 7, Mavropanos 9, Diouf 7; Soucek 7, Fernandes 7 (Magassa n/a); Bowen 8, Castellanos 8, (Wilson 7), Pablo 7 (Potts 6), Summerville 7 (Traore 6). 

Don't leave us this way

The club did the right thing in not letting back in those fans who left when West Ham were 2-0 down against Leeds. I've never understood fans leaving a game early. Is beating the Stratford kettle really that important? This season more added time is being played than ever before. We had 11 minutes against Leeds to get back in the game and for once we did. Those goals were the reward for the loyal fans who stayed in their seats. 

There's a culture of leaving games early that makes the London Stadium less intimidating than it should be. Perhaps at three or four down it might be more understandable, but even when getting tonked you might see a consolation goal, something about a player's attitude that's encouraging or a bit of skill from the opposition. We pay enough for our ninety minutes plus - let's stay there for all of it like proper fans.

Penalty heartbreak for spirited Hammers

West Ham 2 Leeds United 2 (FA Cup) (Leeds win 4-2 on pens)

Inside the London Stadium we find Nigel and his lucky Stranglers plastic bag, CQ, Matt, Lisa, Big Sam (who successfully relegated Leeds three years ago) and Michael the Whovian, who is still recovering from the excitement of viewing the two missing episodes of The Daleks' Master Plan

One home game from Wembley, what could possibly go wrong? After the international break there's no Hermansen, Wan-Bissaka, Greek Bloke or Todibo, while Soucek is only on the bench, Summerville is not yet ready and Callum Wilson is also missing. Everyone is worried by the inclusion of Max Kilman, though perhaps he'll be better alongside Disasi.

After three minutes Areola has to make a good save to deny Okafor. Then Bowen gets in a great low cross and Perri has to make a brilliant low save from Taty's flick. Adama Traore shows his speed to power through midfield and pass to Bowen, who forces another decent save, with Traore failing to follow up.

But slowly Leeds start to look the better side, with Magassa and Potts struggling to contain their midfield and Walker-Peters being tormented by Okafor. Leeds take the lead when Tanaka twists and turns in the box and shoots against Disasi, the ball deflecting up and in off the crossbar. The 9000 Leeds fans celebrate wildly. 

Nigel goes early and eats his lucky banana while the Hammers are lucky not to concede a penalty when Potts can only play the ball towards Okafor and Kilman catches Stach after he's got his shot away.

At the break Nuno takes off Potts and Magassa for Soucek and Pablo and West Ham give it more of a go. Traore is breaking clear when he's cynically fouled by Ampadu, who gets a fully-deserved yellow card. Traore has switched to the left and gets in a great cross that Castellanos heads against the post when he should probably score. The home crowd ramp up the atmosphere.

But on 71 minutes Max Kilman makes a clumsy challenge and takes out Aaronson in the box. VAR correctly rules that it's a penalty. Sub Dominic Calvert-Lewin converts and it seems it's game over. Kilman is booed by his own fans when he next touches the ball which isn't going to help anyone. The Leeds fans chant about going to Wembley.

Some West Ham fans head for the exits. Leeds almost make it three but at least Traore is still sending over inviting crosses. Meanwhile Matt is perhaps in need of a wellness trip to San Francisco as he lambasts Nuno, Pablo, Taty, Kilman and cheating Leeds

But the announcement of 11 added minutes gives us some hope. Pablo heads over from Diouf's cross. Three minutes into added time the indefatigable Bowen turns inside to fire a great drive against the post and Fernandes is able to tuck home the rebound. Surely we can't come back?

AXEL ROSE

Two minutes later Traore gets another great cross in the box and there is Axel Disasi who does a karate kick on the ball to slide it home. Axel rose brilliantly. He celebrates like he's won the World Cup again, as the West Ham fans go effing mental. That goal is for the diehards who stayed. None of us ever doubted Nuno's team selection, much. Those who left early are not being allowed back in. "You're not singing anymore!" is chanted at the Leeds fans, no longer marching on together.

So it's extra time. Nigel makes the mistake or going to the gents and West Ham seem to score in the first minute. Perri fluffs his clearance and Taty Castellanos cleverly lobs it back into the net from a tight angle. Cure wild celebrations until sodding VAR rules that he was offside by a shoulder.

Gnonto skies a chance for Leeds before Bowen rattles the post with another great effort. Pablo nets the rebound but has drifted offside. There's still time in the first period for Traore to set up Diouf who slices his shot way wide.

On come Scarles and Kante. Legs are tired but Kante does well to power into the box to shoot wide and Pablo misses a half-chance. There's another sub-plot when Areola injures himself getting under Aaronson's cross. He's taken off and on comes 20-year-old Finlay Herrick, who has only ever played on loan at Boreham Wood. We wonder why Hermansen is not on the bench.

Luckily Herrick doesn't have to make any serious saves for his five minutes and then it's penalties. Incredibly Herrick saves the first penalty from Piroe and we're looking forward to tomorrow's headlines. But then a tired Jarrod Bowen takes a poor penalty that is saved by Perri. Walker-Peters and Soucek score for the Irons while Leeds net their next two although Herrick gets a hand to Gnonto's shot.

Matt has a very bad feeling about Pablo taking the fourth spot kick and is confirmed correct when Perri saves his tame effort. It's left to Struijk to send Leeds off to Wembley.

It's been a great cup tie for the cameras, though as Nigel remarks, losing and extra time is the worst possible result for the Hammers with a vital game coming up on Friday. We head off to the Eagle concentrating on the league. 

We conduct a straw poll of whether we're going down or not. Some think we're going down on goal difference. I'm one of the few to regard my glass of Guinness as half-full, as if we can beat Wolves then we still have a good chance of survival. Nigel gets out his mental computer and says we have to win at either Palace or Brentford. We then discuss the advantages of playing in the Championship, which includes a better chance of away tickets and going to Lincoln.

The biggest game of the week is still Wolves on Friday. Perhaps Leeds will become distracted by a trip to Wembley? We have to hope that Summerville is fit and Harmansen, the Greek Bloke, Todibo, Wilson and Wan-Bissaka are back for Wolves. But there's hope in the spirit we showed against Leeds. Traore had his best game for the club and Disasi was again immense. It's not over yet.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6 (Herrick 7); Walker-Peters 5, Disasi 8, Kilman 4, Diouf 6 (Scarles 5); Potts 4 (Soucek 6), Magassa 4 (Pablo 4), Fernandes 6; Bowen 8, Castellanos 6 (Kante 6), Traore 8 (Mayers n/a).

Hey Micky! Antonio signing at the Newham Booksop

Michail Antonio will be signing copies of his new book Humans Not Robots at the Newham Bookshop, on Sunday May 31 from 2-4pm. We've seen Antonio play as a winger, an emergency right back, a midfielder and a striker during his time at West Ham and he's always been a real character as well as a handful up front. 

His goal celebrations were brilliant, including that Simpsons one where he lay down and tried to run in a circle on the ground, and of course his kissing of the plastic carpet at the London Stadium. It was brilliant to see him finally get a medal in Prague at the Europa Conference League Final.

Yet he also had his problems with mental health off the pitch and Humans Not Robots reveals the strains of being an elite sportsman. Michail's thankfully recovering after the car accident that nearly killed him and probably has a good career as a pundit and podcaster ahead of him. He'll always be welcome at West Ham. You can pre-order copies of his book from the Newham Bookshop via the link above.

Irons well beaten at Villa

Aston Villa 2 West Ham 0

This was always going to be the most difficult of West Ham's remaining fixtures away to a top four team, as at least the Arsenal game is at home. With Summerville unfit it's going to be tough and the Hammers are not helped by Todibo getting injured in the warm-up, meaning Potts starts and the five at the back plan is abandoned.

It's all Aston Villa, with Castellanos, Pablo and Bowen isolated up front. Dinos Mavropanos has a sensational half, making a goal-saving tackle, heading a corner away from under the bar, heading off the line again and making a crucial tackle that was initially awarded as a penalty. Hermamsen also makes a number of smart saves and we're lucky it's only one at the interval.

Villa's goal comes when they play a short free-kick rather than an inswinger. All West Ham's players are in the box and Sancho feeds McGinn, who curls home an excellent long-range curler. Nuno acts by bringing on Wilson and Traore at the break, as West Ham have not had a shot on target.

The game is over on 68 minutes when Bowen is dispossessed, Rogers outruns Soucek to send in a shot which Hermansen seems to catch but then drops, allowing Ollie Watkins to score a predator's goal. Diouf could also have reacted quicker.

So we now have two weeks to the FA Cup game against Leeds and three before the vital home game against Wolves. At least Spurs have lost 3-0 to Forest and are just one point ahead of WHU. We have to pray that Summerville is fit as without him there's a real lack of threat going forward. Apart from the Greek Bloke the side underperformed at Villa so we need to get back to the levels the side showed at Fulham. But let's remember Villa are a quality side with a quality manager. Games against Wolves and then Palace away present the Hammers with a chance to finally get ahead of tottering Spurs.

Easy for Arsenal at the Emirates

Arsenal 5 West Ham 0 (WSL)

It's a trip to the Emirates in the sun to see a tonking for West Ham in this one. Still, a nice atmosphere with a young crowd and the woman in front of us offering to share her sun cream. A few fans in West Ham shirts happily mingle with the home fans.

Letting Arsenal score after four minutes is the worst possible start with Chloe Kelly crossing for Blackstinius to get between the WHU centre backs to poke home. Irons keeper Szemek makes a number of fine saves to keep the score down in the rest of the half. In the concourse at half-time there's a brass band playing Karma Chameleon which is something you don't get in the men's game.

It's a nice change to be allowed to take a beer to our seats for the second half. Very quickly Holmberg crosses for Russo to head home. Chloe Kelly scores the third with a great long-range effort. There's a worrying 14-minute pause as West Ham's Eva Nystrom is treated and then carried off on a stretcher, after making a goal-saving tackle. Thankfully the injury isn't as bad as it looked.

After play is resumed West Ham try to play it out from the back and present Kelly with another goal. It seems a bit unfair of Arsenal to have endless England forwards. On comes Beth Mead who gets on the end of a flowing move to score the fifth. West Ham have tried hard but been outclassed.

Barring the result a good day out for £15 and with a crowd of 24,711 it shows West Ham are missing a trick by playing at Dagenham and not the London Stadium, because we're not allowed to by the landlords. Hopefully we can renegotiate or buy the stadium and put some proper money into the women's side.

Greek Bloke gifts Irons bonus point against City

West Ham 1 Manchester City 1 

Having been made an offer I couldn't refuse your correspondent was in Sicily for this one. It was certainly a tense evening waiting for phone updates while dining out on trofie pasta with local tomatoes and ricotta cheese, which is certainly one more trofie than Spurs will win. 

Watching the highlights the three centre backs played really well, while the Hammers also managed to overcome the loss of Crysencio Summerville. Nuno brings in an extra defender and plays Pablo to nullify Jimmy's loss, though with hindsight it now doesn't seem that wise to have brought Summerville on against Brentford.

City take the lead with what is surely a cross from Bernardo Silva, the ball looping up and over a flailing Hermansen. Credit to the Irons for an instant response. After winning a corner Donnarumma gets under the ball and the Greek Bloke raises like the colossus of Stratford to head in off the bar. A great moment for Dinos who is unrecognisable from the error-prone defender of last season. Semenyo misses a good chance and it's level at the break.

The second half sees relentless City pressure but West Ham defend superbly. A simple thing like the fact our defenders now celebrate tackles and clearances seems to have made all the difference. Hermansen makes a really good low save to defy Erling Haaland. The Greek Bloke thwarts Nunes with a saving tackle and then takes a Haaland shot full in the face to show his commitment. Hermansen tips a City free kick on to the bar and Guehi shoots over before West Ham earn a bonus point and move out of the bottom three for 24 hours.

Disasi and Todibo have also had fine games while Fernandes has battled well and Bowen has as ever chased everything. Nuno got his subs right too, with Magassa coming on after Pedro had completed his shift. No-one expected West Ham to get anything from this and we might also just have won the league for Arsenal.

On Match of the Day it's good to see Konstantinos Mavropanos, who might be related to the Greek Bloke, earn the praise of the pundits. The only expensive problem is that I might now have to go to Sicily for every game to bring us luck. With Spurs earning an annoying point at Liverpool and Forest and Leeds also drawing we're still right in the relegation fight. But that's now just two defeats in 12 games. Keep this up and we can do it.

Greek Bloke blasts West Ham into quarter-finals

West Ham 2 Brentford 2 (FA Cup, aet, West Ham win 5-3 on pens)

It's down to the diehards for this cup tie. With Matt and Lisa in Amsterdam wondering if this could be anywhere, Liverpool or Rome and Michael also AWOL, it's just Nigel and myself, plus Big Sam, who has travelled up by coach from Cardiff and his mate Jake the vlogger.

Both teams play strong sides, though for WHU Hermansen, Todibo and Diouf are out of the squad, while Summerville and AWB start on the bench. Pablo returns and does a decent job linking up play although he's not a natural goalscorer.

Early on Brentford's Henderson fires a good chance over and then Areola has to make a fine save to deny Kayode. But it's the Irons who take the lead after 19 minutes. Fernandes whips in a cross after a corner is cleared. Soucek does really well to get between two defenders and head a fridge, leaving Bowen to fire home from close range.

Things are a little worrying at the back though as Scarles can't contain the impressive Ouattara. It's from Ouattara's cross that Collins heads towards goal and the ball nicks off Thiago to beat Areola, who should have done better. A VAR appeal for handball is cleared.

It's an entertaining game between similar sides and without the tension of league points at stake. The crowd of 48,000 fans is again noisy as we get behind the side, unlike the fans of certain north London neighbours. 

Kante is having an energetic game in midfield. Traore has already had one good run before shooting wide. The muscular winger is then brought down in the box by Kayode. After a long wait for Godot the VAR sign eventually goes up and after review the ref suggests Jarrod Bowen strokes home a penalty. 

West Ham survive a VAR check on Scarles' challenge in the box and Ollie also heads off the line. At the other end Soucek again heads a fridge and Kelleher does really well to save from the diving Czech.

So it's 2-1 at the break. Scarles is replaced by the more tenacious Ezra Mayers and Adama Traore leaves to man the doors at a West End nightclub, being replaced by Jimmy Summerville. West Ham have chances. Summerville has a shot deflected over after a mazy dribble and Bowen shoots into Kelleher from out wide. Magassa replaces Kante but has a bit of a 'mare, prompting Matt in Amsterdam to turn the air claret and blue. Brentford bring on 1960s folk singer Donovan and hurl endless long throws into the box.

The equaliser comes when Ouattara gets in a cross and Summerville nudges Kayode in the back. Thiago duly scores the penalty. "Just when I was starting to think of the next round," muses Nigel. Lewis-Potter's cross whizzes across the box late on as it ends 2-2 and we need to regroup. 

Big Sam watches the latter proceedings in just his Prague WHU shirt, prompting thoughts he might have Geordie blood, while Nigel makes a bold decision in extra-time, eating his lucky banana. Strangely Jake's vlog misses this crucial intervention. 

Extra time goes very quickly. Callum Wilson forces a great save with his first touch. Donovan fires over for the Bus Stop From Hounslow and Taty has an effort deflected over. Summerville is limping after a heavy clash which is worrying.

WE'VE GOT DINOS MAVROPANOS!

At the very end Disasi thunders a shot just over. He seems to be enjoying playing for the Irons and has transformed our season. It's also good to see him celebrate a tackle that prevents a late Bees goal.

So it's penalties. Bowen and Taty score with ease, while Brentford's Ouattara takes just about the worst Panenka ever, chipping the ball into Areola's hands like a dad playing with his toddler in the park. Wilson and Soucek also score with high and powerful pens as it's 4-3. So who will take the final penalty to win it?

"It's the Greek Bloke!" hollers Big Sam. We know that Dinos will never let us down. The Greek Bloke shows character to take the responsibility and blasts the ball into the top-right hand corner to spark a team mobbing and Bubbles on the tannoy. So it's Leeds in the next round and we're one game from a Wembley semi-final. 

Sam leaves to catch the 11.30pm coach back to Cardiff, arriving home 24 hours after leaving before starting work four hours later. Luxury. There's dancing in the streets of Amsterdam. Nigel and myself have a swift pint at Fabwick in Hackney Wick, which is furnished like a bohemian front room, reflecting that although we don't really need a cup run while fighting for survival winning has to be good for morale. We're two games from the final and this team is starting to show real spirit. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Walker-Peters 6 (Wan-Bissaka 6); Disasi 7, Mavropanos 8, Scarles 5 (Mayers 6); Soucek 8, Fernandes 7 (Wilson 6), Kante 7 (Magassa 4); Bowen 8, Pablo 6 (Castellanos 6), Traore 7 (Summerville 7).

Summerville strikes to boost hopes of great escape

Fulham 0 West Ham 1

Pre-match it's to the River Cafe opposite Putney Bridge tube for eggs, chips and beans. It's a politer version of the Best Cafe only they get the orders right. Then it's on to the Temperance to meet Nigel, Tom and Dan, who have blagged some seats from a Fulham-supporting bank executive. They're drinking beer rather than white wine, which gets odd looks in Fulham. Nigel's rather excited because the Temperance is where his wife CQ's parents first met. We then walk by the Thames, which is almost as good as the River Lea, past Bishop's Palace to the lights of Craven Cottage. 

I'm joined in the Putney End, next to the West Ham fans, by Matt and Lisa, arriving after eating cake at the Marie Antionette exhibition at the V&A and wondering if WHU can escape the chop. We also find Big Joe among the home fans, fresh from a walloping at Anfield where he was searched for red cards and anti-board material. Well, he does have form for taking a copy of Granta to Sunderland.

It's a relief that Harry Wilson is out for the home side, while Callum Wilson plays alongside Taty for WHU and Todibo comes in for Mavropanos. It's a good start from the Hammers as Castellanos tests Leno in the first minute. A West Ham corner sees a VAR check against Iwobi for handball. We're only a few rows from the front and get to really feel the speed of the game. Meanwhile the West Ham fans amuse themselves with some not-very-printable songs.

Just before the break the already booked Fernandes is adjudged to have fouled King just outside the box. The crowd demand a second yellow even though Fernandes seemed to get some of the ball. Luckily the free kick goes straight into the wall. Hermansen then has to make a fine stop with his foot to deny King.

The Hammers start the second half with real intent on the break. Tomas Soucek gets in a header from a corner which Leno tips on to the top of the bar. Then Bowen turns to get a low shot away which the keeper tips round the post. 

It looks to be going very wrong as referee Matthew Donohoe awards a penalty to Fulham when Taty tangles with Cairney. But VAR intervenes and correctly rules that Cairney's foot has kicked Castellanos. Next Summerville sends in an inviting cross that Wilson and Soucek somehow fail to get on the end of. Magassa then comes on for Callum Wilson.

The breakthrough comes on 65 minutes and owes everything to Bowen's hard work. He chases a long ball, Leno comes out to play the ball to Bassey only Bowen nips in to pass to Summerville, who swerves past his man and calmly bends his finish round the last defender to spark mayhem in the away section.

"Oh Jimmy Jimmy, Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Summerville!" chant the Irons fans, which must be a bit confusing to a young Dutch bloke not familiar with 1980s icons or the oeuvre of Bronski Beat and the Communards.

WE'RE COMIMG FOR YOU!

Time goes very slowly for the rest of the match. A couple of brave 15-year-olds in front of us beckon the West Ham fans to come and have a go if they think they're hard enough. Fulham make lots of subs as they pressure West Ham's box. Disasi and Todibo are both really solid at the back and the collective desire to get a result looks much better.

In the 87th minute Castagne's low drive looks destined for the back of the net until Mads Hermansen makes a match-winning save. The ref finds ten minutes of added-time and we all fear the inevitable late equaliser. There's a late scare as Hermansen drops a cross but for once we hold out for a massive three points. 

"Tottenham Hotspur we're coming for you!" chants the delirious away end as the players come over to celebrate.Team spirit looks good judging by the players' body language as Jimmy finishes his interview and punches the air. We head to the Crabtree pub accompanied by the Ludo Miklosko song. Some of the Fulham fans are so upset that that they are a bit sharp with their butlers and chauffeurs.

For 14 minutes we've been out of the bottom three until Forest equalised at Man City. But we're now level on points with Forest, three behind Leeds and one point behind crisis club Spurs. 

At the Crabtree there's a cameo from DC before we drink Hepcat and Peroni and ponder the league table. Matt is so excited he orders a ten-year-old Jura whisky in honour of George Orwell as the Fulham fans drink red rather than white wine. Then it's down Fulham Palace Road to Hammersmith after a successful mission in west London. This victory gives us real hope of survival. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 8; Wan-Bissaka 7, Disasi 8, Todibo 8 (Mavropanos n/a) Diouf 7; Bowen 7, Soucek 7, Fernandes 7 (Kante n/a),  Summerville 9; Wilson 5 (Magassa 6), Castellanos 7 (Traore n/a).

Debt in the afternoon

So West Ham have announced a loss of £104.2 million for the past financial year. The club is paying the price for the money splurged on unsuccessful signings like Fullkrug, Guilherme and Kilman, plus paying for the sackings of Julen Lopetegui and Graham Potter and recruitment gurus Tim Steidten and Kyle Macaulay. Turnover is down by £42.1 million with no European football or cup runs and a poor league finish. 

It's all a long way from a world class team in a world class stadium, with letting David Moyes go seem even more of an unforced error. Another big worry is that the club took out a £124m five-year loan from Rights and Media Finding Limited, which is costing a lot in interest. It would be interesting to hear Karren Brady explaining these results to Lord Sugar in the boardroom.

We're also threatened with a fire sale. The accounts state that players will have to be sold in the summer and even more go if we get relegated: "In the event the severe but plausible scenario occurs, the Group is also forecasting a liquidity shortfall in summer 2026 to a greater severity. Accordingly, more significant mitigating actions would be required such as further player disposals to generate transfer fee income and wage savings, or additional funding from the shareholders, or a combination thereof."

To be positive there are some players West Ham can sell. Niclas Fullkrug, Edson Alvarez, James Ward-Prowse and the out of favour Max Kilman would all get some money in, albeit much less than we paid for them, perhaps £30million for the lot. The sale of Paqueta might have helped a little. That would leave a lot of money still required from the board though, and it doesn't seem like David Sullivan will put anything more in and nor will Daniel Kretinsky, who owns 27 per cent of the club. The alternative to the owners injecting cash is selling off Bowen, Summerville, Fernandes, Wan-Bissaka and co.

Meanwhile there are rumours Karren Brady is set to leave. The club desperately needs new and ambitious owners who can refinance the club and buy the stadium in order to reconfigure it. It's hard to disagree with George Simms who writes in the Observer: "You have to question what David Sullivan gets out of maintaining control of West Ham: loathed by fans and unwilling to change. This is now a solely selfish pursuit, damaging to a beloved club to soothe his ego. If Brady does leave, he will be the sole face of a failing institution, knowing deep down he has failed it."

The quality of Mersey is not restrained

Liverpool 5 West Ham 2

The day gets off to a bad start with the news that West Have announced a £104m loss for the last financial year and will have to sell players in the summer. Then WHU have to play at a ground where we have only won once since 1963.

Not conceding after five minutes would be a good start. But from a Liverpool corner West Ham win two headers only for Gravenberch to find Etikike with a clever pass. Castellanos has got upfield too quickly and the Liverpool striker fires through the legs of the Greek Bloke to beat Hermansen at his near post. 

West Ham respond by winning a corner and from the resulting melee the Greek Bloke fires over when well-placed in front of goal. It's two for the home side when a corner is headed in by Van Dijk who has out-muscled Magassa. Aaron Wan-Bissaka has moved away from his post, when had he stayed he could have cleared.

The Irons have a good spell after that as Liverpool look vulnerable to quick breaks. Bowen is taken by surprise when Alisson plays the ball straight to him and can only scuff it back at the keeper. Another pass straight to Bowen results in Jimmy Summerville having an effort superbly blocked by Konate. Bowen and Soucek then almost produce a copy of Tom's goal against Man United, with Soucek's flick being parried at close-range by Alisson.

But against the run of play Liverpool score a third. The Greek Bloke makes a good block to concede a corner. Again it's headed clear but Ekitike plays it first time to Mac Allister who hits it on the volley to score with a great finish. The ball takes a nick off AWB's head to beat Hermansen. We'd take a draw at this point.

The second half starts with renewed hope as Soucek sweeps home a fine low cross from Diouf. Gakpo misses a good chance and a long-range drive from Fernandes extends Alisson. But the Reds score a fourth as Wan-Bisakka allows Gakpo to turn inside. The striker shoots through AWB's legs, with the ball taking yet another deflection.

HAMMERS KOP IT

Summerville still threatens and forces a really good save from Alisson. From the resulting Bowen corner Castellanos arrives at the back post to head home from a difficult angle. Liverpool look a bit worried as Jimmy Summerville twists inside two defenders only to fire over when he might have scored.

It's game over when Frimpong crosses and the ball takes another unlucky deflection off Disasi for an own goal. Liverpool almost make it six as sub Nyoni fires over.

It's been a strange game as West Ham have played well going forwards and had slightly more possession than Liverpool. The Irons have scored twice at Anfield and created seven other decent chances. We've been unlucky with three deflected goals, but you won't win many games conceding five. Bad habits have re-emerged, with an early goal conceded and three let in from corners.

But at least the most difficult fixture of the run-in is out of the way. Fulham are not as good as Liverpool. If Nuno can restore some solidity to the back four and we get a bit more luck with deflections then we can still get something at Craven Cottage on Wednesday. 

Drawing drawing West Ham

West Ham 0 Bournemouth 0

Inside the London Stadium there are lots of pre-match tributes to Ludo Miklosko, who comes from near Moscow, including Jimmy Walker, not having himself in dodgy gear, on the pitch and a tifo in the Bobby Moore Stand. Ludo is still with us but in a bad way with cancer. We're with you Big Boy.

I'm joined by Matt, Lisa, Nigel and Michael, fresh from brunch at the Best Cafe. Matt's been asking for the name of the only Football League team never to win a divisional title, a mystery eventually cracked by Nigel. 

It's nearly a great start as from Bowen's corner Disasi has a header cleared off the line and then pokes the rebound over the bar. Next Taty whips in a delicious cross but Summerville can only direct his effort at Petrovic.

Not much else happens in the first half though it soon becomes clear that Bournemouth are a good passing side lying eighth and this won't be easy. Jimmy Summerville shows great feet to dribble into the box only to shoot over. Blonde full back Jimenez clatters Summerville twice to earn boos from the crowd but no booking. 

Hermansen looks calm, Mavropanos is having a good game at the back, Disasi looks solid and Taty is chasing everything. At half-time Michael disses Tom Stoppard then channels Fraser by announcing that we will win in an unprecedented burst of optimism.

CHERRY BOMB

The second half begins with the Cherries Rayan suddenly bursting down the right from his own half, veering into the box and firing against the outside of the post. Bournemouth look to have signed a Brazilian wonderkid while WHU got Guilherme.

The crowd are excellent in getting behind the Irons again. We give it a go. Bowen crosses from the right and Taty goes close with an overhead kick. Nuno waits a little too long to bring on Wilson but when he does arrive he almost has an immediate impact. Diouf whips in a cross and Callum produces the clever flick of an instinctive goalscorer, only to see Petrovic pull off a fine reaction save. Wilson then volleys over the bar from Bowen's cross.

Bournemouth have some good moments as Scott has a low drive saved by Hermansen and Tavernier crosses across the six-yard box. Kante comes on for Magassa, who has ballooned a shot way over when well-placed, while Diouf gets in a great crunching tackle and some fine overlaps.

RESPECTING THE PINT

There's a late flourish from the Irons, Summerville's shot is deflected for a corner. Then in the last minute Jimmy races out of his own half to set up Bowen, who shoots over. Jarrod is  stretching and under pressure but should really have got it on target.

So it's 0-0, a good performance if not a good result. We've had 20 shots to Bournemouth's 10, but as Big Sam might say we've just not been clinical enough. "Teams that stay up win games in the last minute," reflects Matt as we head for the Eagle. Nigel considers that less than a point a game means relegation in any division.

In the pub there's curling on the TV while Nigel is on fire with Wes Foderingham trivia, not least the fact that at Swindon Les once squared up to boss Paulo Di Canio after being subbed off after 20 minutes. Then's he's championing an Angel Witch b-side called Gorgon. After two pints of Guinness we're on to the two bands called Blue, and the musical career of Barry Blue, whose single Dancing on a Saturday Night was once purchased on a Top of the Pops album by a young Matt.

So 11 games left. At least a point is something and one defeat in eight games is a sign of progress. The clean sheet was a positive from the game and there's still some hope if very little margin for error. Now all we have to do is win at Anfield. Oh dear.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 7; Wan-Bissaka 7, Disasi 6, Mavropanos 7, Diouf 7; Soucek 5 (Wilson 7), Fernandes 6, Magassa 5 (Kante 6); Bowen 6, Castellanos 7, Summerville 7.

Hammers (just about) avoid cup hopes going for a Burton

Burton Albion 0 West Ham 1 (FA Cup)

Watching on TNT the game begins with a hole in the goal netting being repaired with a piece of blue string and a plane flying overhead with a "Sullivan and Brady out" message. That's about as entertaining as the game gets. Nuno has made ten changes from the Man United game and the Greek Bloke is named as captain, joining fellow legends Moore, Bonds, Rice and Bowen. None of us have ever doubted Dinos.

The Brewers have an early penalty appeal turned down after the Greek Bloke shoves Beasley. The Irons look passive against a determined Burton. Magassa and Kante don't get to grips with midfield, Lamadrid is peripheral and Traore only occasionally threatens. Burton have had six attempts on goal before Wilson finally gets a tame shot in. The match looks like a League One relegation struggle with Burton edging it.

The second half begins with West Ham stepping up the pace as the Greek Bloke has a header saved from a corner. We finally get a decent effort away as Callum Wilson hits an excellent half-volley that is topped over by Collins. Nuno brings on Potts, Summerville and Castellanos late on in an attempt to win it but the game drifts into extra-time.

Can West Ham pull off an upset and score? Mayers finds Summerville on the left. Jimmy cuts inside a defender and fires in a shot that is deflected into the top of the net. Phew. That's six goals for Jimmy now.

It's hopefully game over until Freddie Potts lunges into a late tackle. It's a rash challenge and under pressure from the Burton players the ref changes his decision from a yellow to a red card. Suspensions are not what we need.

Armor fires just wide for the Brewers while Summerville pounces on a loose pass and rolls it into the side netting when it seems easier to score. Disasi comes on to tighten up the backline. Late on Lofthouse shoots just past the post and Areola has to make a late parry as Burton almost take it to penalties.

Finally we're through. Our reserves haven't looked very good on this showing. Not many positives apart from the fact that Mavropanos and Kilman were pretty solid at the back, it's another clean sheet and youngsters like Kante will learn from this. Still, at least Dinos has a 100 per cent record as captain. The Cup Final breakfast round at Nigel's Kew Gardens gaff remains on (just).

Sesko breaks Hammers' hearts but still a decent point

West Ham United 1 Manchester United 1 

There's plenty of time to eat in the Best Meze Cafe before the 8.15pm kick -off. Matt and Lisa are here having enjoyed a visit to the brutalist bus station in Preston after the Burnley match. Strangely our halloumi mushrooms and falafel arrive on time, though the chips appear at the end of seven additional minutes. 

Inside the stadium we find Nigel, Big Sam and Big Sam's podcast mate. On a misty rainswept evening under the lights this feels like a proper fixture. United have won four in a row under ex-Hammer Michael Carrick and Nigel and myself agree we'd be happy with a point against a club in form and in the top four. Potts comes in for Wilson as Nuno strengthens the midfield. Encouragingly Disasi is able to play twice in four days after not starting all season.

Not too much happens in the first half. Bowen heads a cross wide and then Jimmy Summerville cuts inside and forces a save from Lammens. From a low corner Wan Bissaka has to clear Shaw's shot off the line. What is apparent is that the Irons are competing really well. Disasi and the Greek Bloke look solid at the back, Soucek is getting in tackles and Taty is chasing everything despite referee Simon Hooper ignoring the repeated manhandling of both Taty and later Callum Wilson.

Incredibly the Irons take the lead after 50 minutes. Diouf punts a long ball downfield. Bowen heads to Soucek, gets the ball back and races down the right wing. His low cross is expertly turned home by Soucek who has got in front of Shaw and wheels away doing his windmill celebration. Nigel says it's going to be a long second half. It's the hope we can't take. That's now 39 Premier League goals for the great survivor Tomas. Three managers have tried to drop him but the Czech keeps bouncing back. 

United look to have equalised when Casemiro gets between two defenders to head home, only to be ruled offside by an arm. Inspired by this the crowd really get behind the home side with chants of, "West Ham are massive!" going round the stadium. It's one of the best atmospheres since our European games, possibly helped by an extra 15 minutes in the pub.

Nuno brings on Wilson for Taty and then Magassa for Potts, while Carrick throws Sesko up front for United. Every thirty seconds on the clock seems to take forever. Fernandes messes up a promising free kick and some of West Ham's corners are poor too. But apart from a low shot from Sesko saved by Hermansen we seem to be holding on for an epic win.

FERGIE TIME

Seven minutes of Fergie Time is announced, which seems excessive. Nuno possibly tinkers too much by taking off Bowen and Summerville for Traore and Walker-Peters. West Ham have a great chance to make it two when Wilson breaks breaks from his own half only to have his shot blocked by Yoro when he could have passed to the unmarked Magassa. A minute later Magassa skips past Martinez to release Toure, whose shot is blocked again by Yoro.

West Ham have an escape when Zirkzee's header flicks just wide of the post. Surely we can now hold on for a morale-boosting three points that will see us go level with Forest? Only Mbuemo has worked hard and looked dangerous all game. Scarles, on for Diouf and not helped by Traore, doesn't get close enough to the United man who crosses into the box. Disasi is tight on Sesko but somehow the United striker manages to flick the ball up into the top corner with a great finish. Sod it. Disasi beats the ground in frustration.

"That's why we're going down!" declares Matt. Twenty points lost from winning positions. The Vicar's Son then launches into an existential howl of rage at Nuno's use of subs, Ollie Scarles for not closing down and the unfeeling nature of the cosmos, as Lisa checks out wellness retreats in San Francisco.

We retreat to Ye Olde Black Bull for a pint of Brixton Pale where TNT seems to be a Man United fan channel screening long interviews with Michael Carrick and Slabhead Maguire. Still, West Ham have played well tonight and the players can be proud of their performances. We're all deflated but at the end of the season a point against a top four side may well seem like a decent result. We go again and on tonight's form there's still some hope left. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Wan-Bissaka 7; Mavropanos 7, Disasi 6, Diouf 6 (Scarles 5); Soucek 8, Potts 6 (Magassa 7), Fernandes 7; Bowen 7 (Traore n/a), Castellanos 6 (Wilson 6), Summerville 7 (Walker-Peters n/a).