Taty and Bowen see off Pompey

West Ham United 3 Portsmouth 1 (Carabao Cup, first round)

"Only Jesus can save you," read the banners held by the God Squadders outside Stratford station, which is a little pessimistic for a new season. In the Best Meze Cafe are Matt and Lisa, fresh from a safari in Tanzania where they saw three lions but missed the World Cup semi-final. After special pleading we are allowed to order off the breakfast menu and our food arrives with unusual alacrity. 

Outside the London Stadium they're no longer selling programmes, while inside the official programme tent has sold out. A lad is dispatched to get extra boxes and after a ten-minute wait I finally get my programme with Lamadrid on the front but no column from any of our numerous owners. Worryingly we're 21st after no games in the first published league table of the season.

We're joined by Nigel and CQ soaking up the big-game atmosphere. It's a record attendance of 53,369 for a League Cup first round tie and yet more proof of the West Ham' fans incredible loyalty.

A nice surprise is seeing Edson Alvarez in midfield. If we can keep him the big Mexican World Cup star can surely do a job in the Championship and he's ok here. David Sullivan is at the match and is informed by the fans that the Cockney Boys have got a new defender.

It's a nervy first 40 minutes from the Hammers as Portsmouth force several corners. Alvarez gets in a header straight at the keeper from a corner, but Kante looks out of position on the left and Orford isn't seeing much of the ball. The hydration break comes as a relief, though most West Ham fans seem to have hydrated on beer. "You sold your soul for this shithole!" chant the 9000 away fans, not very originally. Meanwhile Matt has had his first doubts of the season about the match day officials.

Pompey take the lead when Kilman heads clear but Segecic shoots from long-range and it deflects in off the unlucky Max. Hermansen spills but retrieves another long-range effort and that seems to wake West Ham up.

Two minutes before the break Orford does well to find Scarles on the left. He plays it to Kante who drives into the box and produces a great pull-back to bamboozle his man and then crosses for Taty Castellanos to score with a controlled finish. That was the 20-year-old Kante's first assist and a sign of the player he could become.

Deep into added time Scarles does well to head Alvarez's long ball back to Pablo. After a quick exchange of passes Pablo blunders into the box and slightly overruns it, but there is Jarrod Bowen to thump home a fine strike that takes a deflection off Shaughnessy. That's an assist for Pablo which might do his confidence some good.

At half-time Matt is amazed when Nigel goes early and eats his lucky banana, but the lad is undoubtedly feeling confident and even suggests that soft fruit might not affect the outcome. Meanwhile CQ has miraculously found some cups and free club water which she dispenses like a latter-day Florence Nightingale.

The Irons start the second half with good intensity and Walker-Peters and Bowen combine well on the right as Taty is foiled by a fine block from Devlin. KWP and Jarrod combine again on 50 minutes as Jarrod looks up to cross on to the head of Castellanos to make it 3-1.

The game is disjointed after that, with injuries and hydration breaks and one Pompey effort going just wide. Ward-Prowse gets his first minutes under Nuno and doesn't seem too popular with the away fans.

Orford forces a save from Schmid. Veltman comes on for ten minutes and looks lively on the right. His run sees Pablo, under pressure, strike the post. Will the Portugeezer ever score for West Ham? Late on Max Kilman, who has played well, makes a great interception and run from defence to set up Kyle Walker-Peters whose shot is well saved by Schmidt. It's good to see Josh Ajala get his debut for the final two minutes.

We hastily trek to the Eagle after persuading Matt not to take on the Pompey away crew. Here there's a solitary bottle of Ruddles in the fridge, plus Guinness, wine and Corona to take into the garden. Nigel's been to see Metallica in Cardiff and even better another heavy metal outfit called the Wurzels. While Matt's very excited to be going to Erith & Belvedere versus Billingshurst in the FA Cup and Lisa reminisces about giraffes, a bloat of hippos, hyenas and jackals in the Serengeti.

So a decent start to the season though the squad needs more signings. The full-backs played well, Kilman and the Greek Bloke looked solid at the back and Taty and Bowen will always score goals. Kante got an assist and Orford grew into the game though a midfield creator and a left winger are still needed. Now the proper stuff starts at Burnley. Come on you Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Kilman 7, Mavropanos 6, Scarles 7; Alvarez 6 (Diouf 6), Orford 6, Kante 6 (Ward-Prowse 6); Bowen 8 (Ajana n/a), Castellanos 8 (Veltman 7), Pablo 6.

Concentrating on relegation?

Wolves 3 West Ham 2 (Carabao Cup)

It's off to the World's End with Matt and Lisa for this one, an apt pub to choose though the nearby Faltering Fullback would also have been suitable. Potter picks a conservative side with a back five and only rests Kilman, Wan-Bissaka, Fullkrug and hapless Hermansen. He doesn't play any youngsters like Scarles or Potts and Bowen is employed as a lone striker, depriving the side of our best crosser. We're up against what is basically a Wolves reserve side with only pints of Hep Cat to help ease the pain. There's no sound on so we watch the match accompanied by heavy metal songs like Smoke on the Water, which would please our pal Nigel.

The Hammers have the better of a poor first half. After some fine control by Bowen Soucek does well to get a shot away that is saved by the legs of Sam Johnstone while Bowen fires against the keeper in a one-on-one. Encouragingly Paqueta has set up both chances. 

But just before the break Rodriguez is tempted to tackle in the box, Bellegarde goes over after a slight touch and it's a penalty. Hwang Hee-chan's penalty hits the post but Gomes shoots home the rebound with Soucek and Aguerd both slow to react. Paquerta then fails to head on target  after a decent Ward-Prowse cross 

Things appear to be improving after the break as Walker-Peters does well to spin and get in a great cross that Tomas Soucek heads home. "If Fraser was here he'd be saying where are the strikers," suggests Mystic Matt just as Bowen crosses for Paqueta to be in the box and score with a fine diving header. Two-one up after 63 minutes. Surely we can see this one out.

Wolves bring on five substitutes including the in-demand Strand Larsen while Potter seems paralysed with indecision. His only change is to swap Kilman for Todibo."Come on lads, let's lose the ball and invite pressure," says an exasperated Matt as Potter's men get pressed back. Surely bringing on Wilson or Fullkrug would give Wolves something else to think about.

NOT HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLVES

On the pub sound system Mick Jagger is singing, "you'll make a grown man cry..." After 82 minutes it all goes very Pete Tong. A wrong-footed Areola saves a deflected shot with his feet but the ball falls to Strand Larson who reacts quickest to wallop it home.Two minutes later Wolves are ahead. Areola saves with his feet again, deflecting the ball wide to Tchatchoua. Diouf isn't tight enough and Strand Larsen rises like a great Norwegian tree above Rodriguez and Mavropanos to score with his head. 

Potter brings on Fullkrug and Wilson after 86 minutes which is way too late. Paqueta volleys over a decent cross from Diouf during added time and Strand-Larsen almost scores another as Lisa muses that perhaps we sacked Lopetegui prematurely. 

At the final whistle the players go to the West Ham fans and to round it off Jarrod Bowen has to be held back after someone says something. Whatever the side's problems Bowen is not one of them.

So it's 11 goals conceded in three games and out of the Carabao Cup. Barring a miracle in the FA Cup it's another trophyless season and a fight to stay up. It's not just the manager as there's no plan at boardroom level and too much interference in transfers from Sullivan, but the analytical Potter is looking increasingly like the wrong fit at a club that needs emotion. The wing-back system isn't working and we have six days to save the season by signing two midfielders. The possible arrival of Magassa from Monaco might be a start but the club should have signed some athletic midfielders at the start of the summer. We're already getting sucked into a vortex of no-confidence and losing leads. Something needs to change and quickly.

Another mauling at Liverpool

Liverpool 5 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

After the Chelsea defeat a trip to Anfield wasn't exactly welcome. One-one at half-time is a promising scoreline though. Danny Ings had an early goal disallowed too. The Hammers take the lead when Cresswell's corner causes confusion as Alvarez tried to get a shot away and a Liverpool clearance deflected in off Quansah. Four minutes later it's 1-1 as Chiesa shoots into the ground and Jota gets between Fabianski and Kilman to score with a brave header, 

Yet again though, the Hammers concede soon after the break as Jones finds Jota, who slots home with a cool finish. The arrival of sub Antonio makes a difference and West Ham nearly equalise when following good work by Summerville and Antonio, Kilman can't react quickly enough to score, firing against Kelleher.

The game is over when Fabianski saves well from Bradley only for Salah to shoot the rebound in toi the roof of the net. It gets worse aa Alvaraz receives a silly second booking for a rash challenge on Salah and the Irons are down to ten men. Even at 3-1 down, Summerville misses a really good chance after being set up by Antonio. 

Liverpool then bag a couple in added time through Gakpo, the second aided by a fortunate deflection off Todibo.The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff has been postponed yet again, It's been a miserable week for the Hammers. To cap it all, Lopetegui leaves the game on crutches after injuring himself stamping his foot. He's learning that supporting West Ham is a painful business.

It's been a slightly better performance than Chelsea, but northing is going for the team at the moment. We're still in Ghent, where the local Gent fans wear nooses to reflect the nickname of “noose bearers” given to Ghent residents. This dates back to the Ghent revolt of 1539 when King Charles V of Spain made the ringleaders parade in their underwear with nooses around their necks. West Ham fans do not as yet sport nooses, but after this we might well be tempted.

Bowen's handy goal sees off Cherries

West Ham 1 Bournemouth 0 (Carabao Cup)

We're down to the diehards in the Billy Bonds Stand. Lisa has arrived from a lonely vigil in the Best Cafe and Nigel, who has been busy researching his list of top ten pubs in the world, is present with his giant sausage. Matt is working from home with one eye on the score and Michael is away with his folios.

Aaron Cresswell is injured in the warm-up so Coufal is back in and Wan-Bissaka plays left-back. The new signings all get a run out but West Ham struggle to break down a neat-passing Cherries side as Hill heads wide for Bournemouth early on. 

The annoying fan behind us gives a running commentary on the game and already seems to have it in for Fullkrug. The big German looks isolated, as were Haller and Scamacca, but he does fire wide a long range effort early on. He then gets his head on a corner, but Soucek hits the half-chance over.

Wan-Bissaka looks like he could become a bit of a cult figure, defying his Man United critics by getting  forward well from the unfamiliar position of left back and combining well with Jimmy Summerville. The Irons' best move sees Kilman and Fullkrug combine to release Summerville. But Crysencio slices over when he should score. Before the break Bournemouth almost take the lead as Quattara's brilliant heel-flick is superbly saved by Fabianski.

It's not been a great half. The most interesting thing is the half-time mascot race between Hammerhead and Teddy Bear. And the fact that Summerville is in gloves - in August.

Summerville cuts inside to shoot just wide, but Bournemouth then start to dominate the second half. Mavropanos is on for Todibo, but he loses Evanilson, who gets behind the Greek to scuff wide when he should score. Tavernier hits the post with a free kick and then gets behind Dinos again only to shoot wide when he should have squared it. "Get Dinos off!" messages the getting angry from home Matt.

Dinos then does some good stuff at the other end, intercepting well to set up Bowen for a shot that is parried by Neto. By now Loppy has been forced to bring on Paqueta and Kudus in an effort to avoid penalties. This raises the crowd as does a great tackle from Wan-Bissaka.

With 88 minutes gone Paqueta dinks it into the box. Bowen is tackled but the ball falls to Kudus. Mo's drive hits Bowen and is deflected into the net. Jarrod runs to our corner as the Bournemouth players claim for handball. Luckily there's no VAR in the Carabao Cup as the ball does appear to hit Jarrod's arm. though it was impossible to tell in real time.

We'll take the win though. We head off to Ye Olde Black Bull for Brixton Pale Ale and Diet Coke, anticipating the draw for the next round. But in a shocking disregard of the spirit of cup competitions, this year the big teams in Europe are kept apart in a separate pool, and all seem to get drawn at home too. 

As soon as Liverpool comes out of the bag we know what's coming next. "Liverpool ffs" is Matt's cryptic message. This happened last season too.They really shouldn't have the draw immediately after a hard-fought win. Let us savour the game for a day before announcing we're drawn away to Liverpool or Man United, as is always the case. Infamy, infamy.

The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff in Kew Gardens isn't looking very likely, but at least it was a good run-out for the new boys and a very decent crowd of 47,000. Next comes the small matter of Manchester City.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 6, Kilman 7, Todibo 6 (Mavropanos 5), Wan-Bissaka 7; Soucek 5, Ward-Prowse 5 (Rodriguez 6), Alvarez 6 (Paqueta 6); Bowen 7, Summerville 6 (Emerson 5), Fullkrug 5 (Kudus 7).

The quality of Mersey is not restrained

Liverpool 5 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

This was always going to be a difficult tie and an evening in front of Sky made for pretty horrible viewing. Moyes rested Paqueta, Ward-Prowse, Aguerd, Zouma, and Emerson. This was a tie WHU were always likely to lose even with a full-strength side and with Man United and Arsenal coming up there was always going to be some rotation. Though disrupting the back four so much certainly backfired.

Liverpool looked at it from the start with Jones and Elliott busy in midfield and West Ham barely putting together a forward pass. Ominously Liverpool's squad forwards are Gakpo and Nunez. The opener came when Benrahma lost possession, Johnson failed to close down and Szoboslai fired home a long-range screamer. It was a relief to be just one-goal down at the break.

The killer goal came just as Paqueta was preparing to come on. Soucek failed to track Jones and the Liverpool midfielder fired through Areola's legs. The third saw Konate get through the midfield with embarrassing ease and find Gakpo. Mavropanos tried to do one of those silly arms behind the back tackles and the ball went through his legs and into Areola's net.

There was a little hope when Johnson found Bowen with a decent chip, Jarrod cut inside Quansah and curled a great shot into the net. But it got even worse when Mavropanos advanced too far forward and Trent-Alexander played a fine through ball to Salah, who scored with ease having earlier missed the target after Nunez hit the post.

The fifth was very poor indeed with Jones slaloming through the defence and Mavropanos and Ogbonna bamboozled. 

Liverpool did play really well. But it was tough on the 5000 travelling fans and proof that a lot of our squad players aren't good enough. Fornals and Benrahma have gone backwards, Mavropanos is raw and Ogbonna and Ings look too old. Our tired squad could do without a 12.30 kick-off on Saturday. Let's hope the rotation brings a better performance against MUFC.

Soucek makes the difference

Lincoln City 0 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

Well, another good run-out for most of the squad players and a welcome win in a difficult away tie. Tomas Soucek made the difference chesting in Said Benrahma's corner - and ugly goal but again good for his confidence to score two in a row. 

It was good to see Cornet get a chance and his break down the right almost set up Ings, who hesitated with a good opportunity. Ings also missed a great chance in the second half and badly needs a goal. Ben Johnson hit the post from distance and Kudus forced a great save from close range, though West Ham had to dig deep at times. Alvarez almost gave a goal away after passing straight to Duffy who forced a decent save from Fabianski. While it was Fabianski who really earned the win when the game was 0-0 with a brilliant reaction save from Hacket-Fairchild's point-blank header. So now it's Arsenal in the next round, which all looks pretty tasty. 

Rovers and out: Hammers pay penalty

West Ham 2 Blackburn Rovers 2 (Carabao Cup) (Lost 9-10 on pens)

In the Best Cafe Michael has purchased an unusual gift for Nigel, a plastic case for his lucky banana. It is yellow, banana-shaped and comes with a fork. We're joined by Matt and Lisa who are quaffing red wine in the style of Malcolm Allison in the Central. The daytime greasy spoon menu is off in the evenings, so it's falafel and chips all round.

Somehow Nigel gets his rigid banana case through security and we join Fraser in the stadium. As ever the Irons start slowly against Blackburn's second eleven and a Nayef back pass from Aguerd almost gifts Rovers the lead. They do score after six minutes as Vale gets behind the defence to stroke home.

The mainly squad players have to raise their game and Antonio starts to cause problems, dribbling down the left to cross low for Fornals to fire at the keeper. The same pair manage to fashion an equaliser as Antonio's run from the right causes confusion and his cross is miscontrolled by a defender into the path of Fornals who finishes crisply for his third goal in a week. 

After the break a terrible back pass by Conor Coventry almost gifts Blackburn a second, though Aguerd does well to block on the line. Lanzini has a goalbound shot blocked and sub Benrahma gives the side an instant lift. He sets up a chance for Antonio to fire at the keeper but then Said wastefully blasts the rebound over the bar.

Moyes brings on Scamacca and Bowen to support Antonio and Benrahma in a bid to settle the tie. Antonio hits the post from a corner. Aguerd plays a long ball into the box, a Blackburn defender gets a boot in ahead of Bowen and Antonio lashes home the loose ball to make it 2-1 with 12 minutes left.

But the Hammers have not heeded the threat of sub and rumoured West Ham target Brereton Diaz, who has already cut in from the left and fired wide. After a poor free kick straight into the arms of Pears, Rovers break and Brereton is given too much time by Johnson and Aguerd to cut in and fire into the top corner.

It goes down to penalties, which are surprisingly well-taken. Areola doesn't get close to any of them though nor does Pears. Behrahma, Bowen, Scamacca, Antonio and Lanzini score the first five as do Blackburn, and then it's sudden death. When it reaches 9-5 last man Ogbonna steps up to fire against the bar. "How shit must you be, our first team's at home!" chant the Rovers fans.

"We won't ever see a Moyes team score eleven again," reflects Fraser. Nigel's lucky banana case has failed to work any magic, though it has resulted in a 23-goal thriller. But we're out of the League Cup which was a good chance of a trophy. It might help avoid fixture congestion if there is a Europa Conference run, but even so it piles pressure on Moyes to get a result in the Leicester game, though he certainly deserves time to reset the squad during the World Cup break.

Inspired by a half-time meeting with the Gav, who is sporting a 1970s Middlesbrough away shirt, as you do, we head to a bar above a Chinese restaurant in Westfield. Meantime is available at £6 though the soft lighting gives the place a distinct 1970s James Bond vibe, which rather like West Ham leaves us shaken but not stirred. Had we won the shoot-out this might have been regarded as fairly routine progress, but we didn't and the slow starts and defensive lapses are increasingly worrying.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Coufal 6 (Bowen 5), Johnson 5, Aguerd 5, Ogbonna 5, Emerson 6 (Cresswell n/a); Downes 6, Coventry 5 (Benrahma 7), Lanzini 6, Fornals 7 (Scamacca 5); Antonio 8.

Hammers unlucky to lose at Spurs

Tottenham 2 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

A game of football is actually played during the strange omicron hiatus while we wait for Boris to make a decision that will satisfy his back-benchers. Again it's a Sky game on my laptop, just like in lockdown days.

Kane tests Areola early on but it's an even first 30 minutes until Spurs take the lead. Hojbjerg isn't tracked as he runs on to Bergwijn's pass and crosses for Bergwijn to stroke home.

The response from West Ham is excellent. Vlasic is having a much better game and crosses for Soucek to head towards the top of the net only for Lloris to make a fine tipover. Then a good tackle from Harrison Ashby allows Vlasic to get in another cross for another Soucek header that is again excellently tipped away by Lloris. 

Dawson misses with a free header from a corner, but the equaliser eventually comes. Dier, who is not on fire, messes up a short goal kick from Lloris, Vlasic mishits a shot which turns into a pass, Bowen controls and pulls back, baffling Dier, and strokes it into the net. 1-1. Is it happening again?

All that good work is ruined by conceding another sloppy goal two minutes later. Bergwijn bursts past Lanzini and Masuaku on the right, fires in a cross in and Lucas Moura gets ahead of Johnson to score. Areola should maybe have done better too.

There's still time before the break for Lanzini to play in a fine cross that sees Soucek denied by a last-ditch intervention from Skipp.

West Ham have most of the second half. The TV commentary insists that it's brilliant game management by Spurs, rather than West Ham pushing them back. Bowen heads wide from a Masuaku cross and is then denied by a desperate race from his line by Lloris. Benrahma comes on and looks up for it, volleying just wide of the post. 

Can we make it penalties? A great surge from Rice in added time sees the ball go across the Spurs area and reach sub Yarmolenko. His shot is deflected off a defender on to the top of the bar. Areola comes up for the resulting corner, and actually gets a touch, but it's all too late.

We've gone out of the Carabao Cup but it's been a much better performance. And this was without the first choice back four of Coufal, Ogbonna, Zouma and Cresswell and the self-isolating Antonio. WHU still struggle to create against teams that sit back, but we gave it a real go here. 

Plenty of positives: Johnson returned, Ashby got some experience, Dawson was solid, Vlasic had a fine first half, Benrahma looked dangerous and Bowen scored a great goal. We can of course now concentrate on the Europa League, the FA Cup and making the top six. But we do need a win against Southampton to get back on track. Irons!

Beating City… it's so good, so good!

West Ham 0 Manchester City 0 (Carabao Cup) (West Ham win 5-3 on pens) 

It's down to the diehards for this £15 spectacular. Hipsters Matt and Lisa have been drinking cocktails and enjoying vegan burgers at the Lock Inn at Hackney Wick, Fraser joins us in the ground, Nigel is away curating his heavy metal collection and Michael the Whovian is trying to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow while visiting his dad. In a testament to the loyalty of West Ham fans it's another sell-out, despite being the third home game in six days. 

The line-ups seem ominous, with City fielding a very strong side and West Ham resting Antonio, Rice and most of the first team. With only Yarmolenko up front the Hammers sit deep early on, though Noble does get a shot away at Steffen, with City then breaking and Dawson making a saving tackle to foil De Bruyne. 

The Mancunians enjoy 64 per cent possession in the 90 minutes and fashion two late chances in the first half. Palmer has a shot saved by the feet of Areola and Ake misses a good headed chance after a free kick. Mystic May suggests that penalties are our best chance of winning it.

It's a lively start to the second half as Masuaka fires a cross come shot wide and Gundogan shoots wide when he should score. But the Irons are starting to play with belief as Masuaku fires a shot at Steffen and Yarmolenko 's effort from the rebound is blocked by a last-ditch tackle.

WE'RE NOT REALLY HERE?

Then it becomes the Areola show. The Fonz first saves De Bruyne's deflected shot with his feet and then makes a brilliant reaction save to keep out Stones' header. At the other end good work by Noble, Cresswell and Vlasic sets up Soucek only for Tomas to slice wide. He can't buy a goal at the moment.

Moyes senses he can win it, bringing on Fornals, Benrahma and Bowen (who is apparently good friends with Dani Dyer). Rather more ominously City bring on Grealish, Foden and Jesus. Areola then has to save with his feet from Gundogan and then tips over a rasping effort from Zinchenko. 

"Come on you Irons!" reverberates around the stadium as the atmosphere goes up a notch. Surely we can't knock out the side that has won the Carabao Cup four years in succession?West Ham have a late chance to win it as Fornals sets up Soucek for another slice wide.

The three minutes of added time get rather nerve-wracking as City win a free-kick. The  initial effort is blocked and then Jesus plants a header straight at Areola. Former Culture Club drummer Jonathan Moss blows his whistle and it's a penalty shoot-out.

HE SHOOTS HE SCORES!

As we've all know since the 2006 FA Cup Final, West Ham don't win penalty shoot-outs. But what's this? Noble confidently puts the first penalty down the middle to score. Then Foden hits his penalty wide. Bowen scores even though Steffen gets a hand to it, before City pull one back. Up steps Craig Dawson, who puts his body on the line every game and shows true bottle here, to power home a typically no-nonsense penalty. Cresswell converts the fourth, then Grealish scores and it's 4-3. If Benrahma nets the fifth penalty we've won it. Said steps up and confidently dispatches it into the top corner before running to his family in the corner and sparking mayhem.

If the theories of quantum physics are correct and there are a series of multiverses, then we seem to have entered a different one where West Ham win penalty shoot-outs. Perhaps like the City fans we're not really here. City have lost their first Carabao Cup tie in five years. Bubbles and Sweet Caroline plays on the PA. Three wins in six days! 

The spirit in the side has been immense. Yes, City have battered us at times, but Areola has been brilliant in goal and Diop and Dawson have been excellent at the back. Winning has become a habit.

A great night is rounded off by finding the Black Bull is half-empty as all the people with kids have gone home. It's cash only, but we have enough to order pints of tasty Titanic porter, having sunk the luxury cruise ship that was Man City. No doubt we'll get Liverpool away in the next round, but having seen off both Manchester clubs we'll take on anybody. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 9; Johnson 8, Dawson 8, Diop 8, Cresswell 7, Masuaku 6 (Fornals 7); Noble 7, Soucek 6, Vlasic 6 (Benrahma 8) Lanzini 6 (Coufal 6); Yarmolenko 6 (Bowen 6).

Lanzini earns Irons historic win at Old Trafford

Man United 0 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

It's off to Mabel's Tavern to watch West Ham Reserves take on Man United with Lisa and Fraser. The line-ups look ominous with United having Sancho, Lingard and Martial up front. But from the start WHU's squad players look up for it and Bowen is buzzing around effectively up front. 

Kral has a shot blocked and after nine minutes Fredericks nutmegs Mata before racing to the byline and pulling back for Lanzini to score. Manuel's first goal since his rocket against Spurs.

United come at West Ham after that but Diop and Dawson both have great games at the back. Areola misses a cross resulting in Mata volleying against the bar, but after that proves an athletic keeper, foiling Lingard's low strike and in the second half saving with his feet from Greenwood when the United sub is through. Lingard has a theatrical penalty claim turned down after Noble clutches his shirt.

The loss of Fredericks and Lanzini to injury doesn't affect West Ham, while Matic is lucky to stay on after a knee in the groin to Coufal. Even sub Bruno Fernandes can't affect the game. At the end West Ham could score more. Yarmolenko hits the post when he should score after a fine move. Noble shoots at the keeper after being played in by Bowen and then Jarrod fires another low effort at De Gea.

It's such a shock that we have to order some more Neck Oil. The celebrations from Noble and the players at the end show just what a great team spirit Moyes has engendered. It's not easy to win away in front of 72,000 fans. Who would have thought that our reserves would prove better than Man United's? West Ham's first win at Old Trafford since 2007. Which leaves Moyes with some nice selection problems for Saturday. Irons!

Concentrating on the league

Everton 4 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

Cup Final Breakfast at Nigel's gaff has been postponed — again. This was always going to be a difficult tie with only Rice, Balbuena and Cresswell retained from Sunday's side. 

Everton's opener was disappointing as it came from a simple ball over the top with Rice allowing Calvert-Lewin to get the wrong side of him. West Ham's first half efforts amounted to a long shot from Anderson and a Lanzini backheader that flicked wide.

The Hammers made a great start to the second half with Anderson playing the ball back to Snodgrass who sent a great shot into the far corner. After that Everton hit the post and then Richarlison scored with the aid of a rather lucky deflection off Rice's back. At 2-1 down Haller was unfortunate not to equalise with a skilful overhead kick from Yarmolenko's cross. 

It then got much worse as Iwobi hit the post and Calvert-Lewin reacted quicker than our defence to tap home. Then the Everton striker scored his hat-trick after a fine through ball from James and more poor defending.

Got to hope that Leicester will be a different game, with Fabianski, Masuaku, Ogbonna, Soucek, Bowen and Antonio all set to return. At least there seems to have been some progress on the transfer front with Czech right-back Vladimir Coufal having a medical and a £13m offer in for Club Brugges' Hans Vanaken. 

Going out of the League Cup is a blow, but the competition has been devalued by playing so many games so quickly, making it effectively a tournament for squad players. Just a shame Everton didn't rest Calvert-Lewin.

More cup humiliation for Hammers

Oxford United 4 (four) West Ham 0 (Carabao Cup)

Well that was very West Ham to beat Man United and then get humiliated at League 1 side Oxford. As sadly predicted on this blog. Clearly Pellegrini is adhering to the West Ham Way a little too closely. Just when it all seemed to be going so well. This ranks right up there with Newport, Wrexham, Wimbledon, Aldershot, Stockport, Hereford, Grimsby, Torquay and every other catastrophic cup defeat.

Pellegrini made too many changes but the team should have been strong enough to get something. Zabaleta, Diop, Balbuena and Masuaku could well have been a first choice back four. While Snodgrass, Wilshere, Sanchez are all internationals and Fornals a £23m big money signing. 

Looking at the lowlights it was terrible defending for the first two goals and an unfortunate slip from Masuaku for the third. The fourth was more standing off while we created nothing up front. 

So a pretty shameful performance. Or are we just concentrating on getting in the Champions League? If this is our squad depth on display then it's not good enough. The players owe the fans a win at Bournemouth now.

Hammers breach County lines

Newport County 0 West Ham 2 (Carabao Cup)

It's off to the World's End, our new Lucky pub, with Mystic Matt to watch this one over a pint or two of Camden Pale. Stranglers fan Matt wonders if the Rodneys will be queuing up at Rodney Parade as we are left just hanging around hoping that something better change in the Cup.

Pellegrini plays a strong side of squad players and for the first 20 minutes the Hammers dominate as Fornals hits the post from the edge of the box. The big minus is Antonio pulling up with what looks like a bad hamstring tear.

Then comes a very worrying spell as Newport create several chances and after Diop is muscled off the ball and a cross finds the unmarked Amond who shoots straight at Roberto.

Just as Mystic May and Mystic Matt are agreeing that Jack Wilshere will never again be the player who once outplayed the Barcelona midfield, he goes and scores. It's actually a poor ball from Jack in the first place that sets off the move, as after some farcical dithering from a Newport centre back Wilshere nicks the ball off his toes and runs through to finish well.

The second half sees some more scary moments at the back for the Hammers before a good run down the left from Anderson sets up Fornals for a tap-in. There's still time for West Ham to fail to get a third despite a lot of the ball and Newport to hit the post after sub Coventry is caught out.

But it's job done in what could have been a difficult tie. The worrying thing is that none of the fringe players have done well enough to demand a place. Ajeti hasn't done much apart from have a header over the bar, while Sanchez has a very poor game seemingly unable to play a simple pass. The good thing is that first Hammers' goals should give Wilshere and Fornals some confidence. Let's hope for a decent draw in the next round now.

Defensive lapses send Spurs marching into next round of Carabao Cup

Perez pulls one back. Photo by Michael The Whovian

West Ham 1 Spurs 3 (Carabao Cup)

It’s a restrained four changes from Pellegrini, while Spurs field a number of reserves alongside the quality of Son, Alli and Eriksen. Our party is split due to tardy ticket booking, with Matt and Lisa several rows behind Fraser and myself and Michael some rows further forward delivering Shakespearian insults to himself. The laying of a wreath for the Leicester helicopter crash victims by Tony Cottee, David Gold and Ledley King is accompanied by a minute's silence.

The Hammers start quite well initially with Diangana causing problems on the right. His best moment sees Grady cut inside and loft in a cross that Hernandez tries to volley across goal to Antonio — perhaps he should have shot.

But it all goes wrong after 16 minutes. Ogbonna’s clearance goes to Llorente, and the centre back is then fooled by Alli’s clever flick as Son strikes confidently home. “Nice one Son!” chant the gleeful 4,800 Spurs fans.

For the rest of the half the Irons give it a go. Antonio, who is struggling for pace and touch but at least trying, has an effort deflected wide. Then he is played through by Masuaku’s fine through ball, but has his effort blocked by Gazzaniga. Diangana’s free kick finds Hernandez, only for Chicharito’s touch to let him down as he prods a tame effort at the keeper.

Snodgrass comes on for the disappointing Anderson at the break and it makes a difference. Antonio confuses the Spurs defence with a heavy touch, but still manages to force a save from the keeper.

Nine minutes into the second half the Hammers succumb to another defensive calamity as Arthur Masuaku misses his clearance and simply strokes the ball to Son who rounds Adrian to score.

Pellegrini takes off Hernandez and Obiang, which leaves us a little short in midfield, and throws on Perez and Arnautovic. Arnie immediately fires in a fizzing cross that is deflected behind for a corner.

FIGHT CLUB

Meanwhile the game is further marred by a fight behind us. A lairy bloke, who has been tirading in Tourette-ish fashion at Antonio and co for most of the game, appears to object when someone suggests that he get behind his team. The Herbert is being held back and is clearly out of control and full of aggression. A grey haired bloke ends up with a cut on his face as the cowardly thug threatens blokes twice his age. It takes an age for a single steward to arrive, who looks like a student. Eventually a second steward arrives and finally a team leader, but the miscreant only appears to be moved to a different seat rather than ejected.

There’s also a football match breaking out. A pinball session started by Arnie sees a series of shots blacked and saved. Suddenly the Hammers are back in it as Perez nods in Snoddy’s corner at the back post. It’s a good poacher’s goal, heading the ball down in to the ground and up over the keeper. “Come on you Irons!” echoes around the stadium and suddenly there’s a cracking atmosphere.

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE ON THE PITCH 

But as in politics, the idiots are taking over. A Herbert runs on to the pitch past non-existent stewarding to chants of “Are you Mark Noble?” from the away fans. Having helped deal with the pitch invader Ogbonna loses focus and allows Llorente to outmuscle him at the corner and volley home.

Game over, though there’s still time for Antonio to have a good case for a penalty after another dangerous Diangana cross causes panic in the box. “West Ham United — it’s happened again!” and “3-1 in your Cup Final!” chant the away fans. And another Herbert invades the pitch in added time.

So it’s off to the King Edward, which seems to be full of blokes in flat caps and quilted jackets and odd things going on in the gents. At least Michael, fresh from his Soft Cell venture can regale us with accounts of Tainted teddy bears, though it’s been mainly our defence that has been tainted tonight. I text Nigel to inform him that the Cup Final Breakfast in Kew has been postponed until May.

Looking at the stats we should have got something from this. Possession was 50-50 and WHU had 13 shots to Spurs’ six and 11 corners to Spurs’ three. But if you don’t defend well you don’t win matches.

It’s the return of Joe Hart next in the six-pointer against Burnley. We retreat to the tube predicting that Joe will surely have the game of his life on Saturday.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 6; Fredericks 5, Diop 6, Ogbonna 4, Masuaku 4; Rice 7, Obiang 5 (Perez 6), Anderson 5 (Snodgrass 7); Diangana 6, Hernandez 5 (Arnautovic 6), Antonio 5.

Diop's drive helps see off the Dons

Wimbledon 1 West Ham 3 (Carabao Cup)

West Ham's season seemed to getting even worse when Pigott powered a header past Adrian after 75 seconds. The Hammers were helped by the fact that Wimbledon's McDonald was sent off after 18 minutes, though they still struggled to break down a determined home side. 

We have Mystic Matt to thank for the equaliser after 63 minutes, reports Lisa. Just as Matt declared, "don't give it to Diop, he's just going to smash it over!" the centre back fired home a great low drive. A fine response from Diop to his own goal at Arsenal, and the giant centre back was unlucky to hit the bar a few minutes later. The Hammers won it with Ogbonna's simple finish from a Snoddy corner and then Hernandez rounded the keeper in added time to make it 3-1.

It was encouraging to see Pellegrini take the Carabao Cup seriously. He didn't hesitate in bringing on Anderson at half-time when it looked like we might be going out. The game also showed how strong the West Ham squad is, with the B line-up full of established players. Good to see Yarmolenko and Perez complete near-full games. It was a struggle, but a welcome win and another chance for the new squad to get used to playing together. While the prospect of a Cup Final breakfast round at Nigel's house in Kew remains on.