Sheffield soundly beaten

West Ham 2 Sheffield United 0

The big news in the Best Cafe is that Nigel has been to see the Black Sabbath ballet after returning from his holiday in France, where he saw Les Alignements at Carnac, a series of standing stones erected as an early defensive wall against James Ward-Prowse's free-kicks. Michael the Whovian is looking for a new title for his play and bemoaning the inflation rate in the caff, where everything now seems to cost a tenner, while also wondering if Martin Jarvis can stop the Zarbi at Brighton. 

At the London Stadium, we're joined by Matt and Lisa on their second of three West Ham matches this weekend, having seen the kids win 2-0 as well as watching the Blue Aeroplanes. Strangely Fraser is missing David Moyes' 900th league game in favour of a holiday in the sun and is replaced by Big Sam.

Aguerd makes a fine block from Archer, but after that Sheffield rarely threaten the Irons' goal. Early on Soucek misses a great chance from a Bowen cut-back and it looks like we might get a cricket score against a team that conceded eight last week. Ward-Prowse's whipped corner causes the usual mayhem, as Bowen header is saved by Foderingham and then Aguerd's follow-up is cleared off the line. Sheffield also survive a strong VAR appeal for hands from another corner.

The breakthrough comes on 24 minutes after good build-up from Alvarez and Soucek releases Coufal on the right. His low cross is calmly steered into the bottom of the net by Jarrod Bowen. The second arrives when Emerson cuts out a pass and finds Antonio, who plays a simple ball to the onrushing Soucek, who stabs home with a clever finish. That's three goals in three games for Tomas and three assists in a row for Vlad.

At half-time Big Sam confidently predicts a 5-0 win though Matt sagely says "this is West Ham" and predicts a nervy 2-1 victory. The second half sees an improved performance from Sheffield and West Ham take their feet off the pedal. Areola is only seriously troubled once, but we can't afford to coast like this against better sides. Still, a clean sheet is kept and sub Kudus has one mazy run, though it's a mystery why Paqueta ends the game up front. 

West Ham might have played within themselves, but there are no easy PL games, as Moyes points out, and 13 points is a fine return from seven games. Perhaps the side were saving themselves for the next match against a Lynyrd Skynyrd song, Freiburg.

We head off to the Eagle for East London Pale Ale from the fridge, where there's a long discussion on rudest politicians encountered and also if Chelsea will stay up. Nigel is on fire with his trivia, asking which team won 5-1 on the first day of the season and is now bottom of their division while the team it beat is now top. The answer is Sutton United who beat Notts County 5-1. 

West Ham might not have scored eight, but at least they haven't succumbed to a reaction from the Blades and in the end it was a very comfortable win. Twenty seven more points and we're safe. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Coufal 7, Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6; Alvarez 7 (Benrahma 6), Paqueta 6 (Mavropanos n/a), Soucek 7, Ward-Prowse 7; Bowen 7 (Fornals n/a), Antonio 6 (Kudus 5).

Lingard stars as Hammers move up to fifth

West Ham 3 Sheffield United 0

Antonio has failed a fitness test so it's a West Ham side without any strikers. With Bowen nominally up front it works surprisingly well as Bowen, Lingard and Lanzini interchange and generally confuse Sheffield's big defenders who are left with no-one to mark. There's early controversy as a Rice free kick is saved by Ramsdale and Dawson is felled trying to get the rebound. A penalty is given and then taken away by VAR because Dawson was marginally offside.

Much of the first half is even in possession terms, though Lingard looks fit and speedy on the break, twice testing Ramsdale. The breakthrough comes just before half-time as Lingard pounces on a United error and breaks. He plays a give and go with Bowen before Basham lives up to his name and takes Jesse out in the box. Despite Lingard's plea to take it Rice sensibly points out that he is the designated penalty taker and scores with a cool shot into the bottom corner.

There's a scare at the start of the second half as Fabianski has to produce a brilliant save from McGoldrick's header, which has been deflected off Johnson. But the game is effectively put to bed after 55 minutes when Issa Diop gets his head on Cresswell's corner. A good moment for the returning big man.

Sheffield are not pretty in pink and West Ham threaten to get a third when Coufal seizes on a mistake and races through only to hesitate and give Ramsdale the chance to parry. Noble is brought on to shore up the midfield as the Blades remain largely toothless up front. 

The third arrives in the 96th minutes as two subs combine. Benrahma bamboozles the United defence with some nifty footwork. The defence stands off Fredericks and the late sub fires home unchallenged. One goal from four minutes' on the pitch. Three unlikely scorers round off a good night's work and credit to Ben Johnson too, who has played well as a left wing-back. Moyes is so happy he forgets to sub Jarrod Bowen, who remains on the field for 96 minutes.

Sheffield are surely doomed but this was a game we could easily have slipped up in. The Hammers are fifth and Antonio should be back for Spurs. And barring a Roeder-esque season we're unlikely to go down on 42 points! The next few games should decide if this season really turns into something special but this was another good moment for Moyes and his men. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 6, Diop 7, Dawson 6, Cresswell 6, Johnson 7 (Fredericks 7); Rice 7, Soucek 6, Lanzini 6 (Noble 6), Lingard 8 (Benrahma 6); Bowen 6.

Snoddy shines in Sheffield stalemate

West Ham 1 Sheffield United 1

Pre-match it's luncheon at the Best Cafe where Matt and Lisa have been told that the ciabatta is off because it's far too north London. Then it's on to the London Stadium where we find CQ and Nigel munching a lucky beef pastie, plus a besuited Fraser, Scott and Joe. Alison is at home nursing a migraine induced by trying to find a formation to get the best out of Haller and Michael the Playwright is away at the White Bear gladhanding thespians and politicos.

Pellegrini has made five changes after the defeat at Everton and it's good to see Snodgrass in the side, as suggested by a certain blog. For the first half an hour it's relentless West Ham probing with countless crosses and corners finding the heads of United's three centre backs, plus the odd chant of, "there's only one Carlos Tevez!" West Ham's best effort is a long-range curler from Anderson that goes just over. 

Then Sheffield start to threaten on the break. From United's first corner Roberto has to make a great instinctive save to deny the unmarked McGoldrick. Then a cross is missed by the keeper and deflects off Robinson's shoulder when he might have scored with his head. 

IN SNOD WE TRUST
Just as Mystic May announces 'We just need to get to half-time," West Ham score. Roberto's punt downfield is misheaded by a defender; Yarmolenko plays a great first-time pass through to the onrushing Snodgrass who calmly slots it past Henderson. It's a nice moment for Snoddy who has added some energy to the West Ham midfield and deserves his chance.

Nigel's not-so-lucky banana

The second half sees West Ham start slowly, despite Nigel producing his lucky banana, unlike United who sense they can get something. Roberto has to parry a Baldock shot that is then painfully cleared off the line by Cresswell's goolies. West Ham come to life as Anderson does well to win a tackle on the halfway line, surge down the left, take Yarmolenjo's return pass and then fire straight at the keeper. 

Baldock shanks a good chance wide, and then Pellegrini makes the strange decision to sub Anderson after 66 minutes. He might be struggling a little but he's still our best player and always likely to produce the magic that might win the points in an otherwise even game.

OF MOUSSET AND MEN
United equalise three minutes later, when Diop's header falls to Mousset, who volleys into the corner. He might have slightly mishit his shot, but it's enough to deceive Roberto. The United fans start to sing of chip butties and dream about three points.

But it's the Hammers who have the chances to win the game, inspired by a loud (for the London Stadium) home crowd. Yarmolenko's clever dink finds Cresswell in the six-yard box only for Cressy to shoot at the keeper's legs. The Vicar's Son's patience is being tested, particularly when sub Fornals plays a great bell across the area. Yarmolenko misses it but Snodgrass appears certain to score until he somehow strikes the post.

DRAWING DRAWING WEST HAM
There's still time for Rice to test the keeper and Yarmy to shoot just wide but it ends in a draw. If nothing else it's been an entertaining game. Noble has looked like he's playing too far forward before being subbed, while Yarmolenko had a strange game. He didn't seem to play well, yet made the goal and created two good chances. Overall, having ten corners without creating a chance is not good enough. Zabaleta and Balbuena did well on their return to the side, but it's still two points from 12 and a win is now essential against Newcastle. 

After the match Fraser leads us on a 'short cut' via Stratford International and Westfield to the station, and it's off to Oval and the White Bear for a post-match pint of Neck Oil and a beetroot and chickpea burger for hipster Matt. At least Michael's play Maggie and Ted credits West Ham with winning the World Cup. 

So it's ten league games in and we're where we deserve on current from — mid-table. West Ham are still some way behind the likes of Leicester, though Sheffield United was never the easy game some thought. United were well-organised, spirited and full of confidence after winning promotion. A draw is not a disaster, but WHU need some wins and to get Anderson and co creating chances for the isolated Haller. Pellegrini has work to do.

PLAYER RATINGS: Roberto 7; Zabaleta 6, Diop 6, Balbuena 6; Cresswell 6;  Snodgrass 7 (Ajeti n/a), Rice 6, Noble 5 (Fornals 6), Anderson 6 (Lanzini 5); Yarmolenko 6, Haller 5. 

Concentrating on the league…

The team that meets in cafes

West Ham 1 Sheffield United 1 (Capital One Cup)

Tevez masks are on sale in Green Street and in Ken’s Café Matt and Lisa announce that 15-year-old Reece Oxford is on the bench. Nigel’s discovered the East Stand is sold out and is having to slum it in Big Joe’s box, though he’s pleased to find that in the programme notes it’s claimed that Carlton Cole has been given “an 18-year contract.” Meanwhile Fraser has signed up for midweek evening classes and looks likely to miss our epic Capital One Cup run. Outside there’s a huge queue for pay-on-the-day tickets stretching into Green Street because the club hasn’t got enough staff on duty.

It’s a WHU side that has never played together before, with full debuts for Valencia, Sakho, Poyet and Burke. Ravel Morrison is out of the slammer and in the side, playing in gloves. The first half isn’t too bad. Valencia looks quite lively as he has a snap shot saved and Morrison has a free kick saved. Howard then makes a great save from the promising Reece Burke as a corner comes in. The lively Diame plays a fine ball in to Valencia, but the £12million striker fires straight at the United keeper.

West Ham take the lead on 40 minutes. Reece Burke pumps in a high centre and Sakho flicks a clever back header into the net.

Sheffield look workmanlike but no more, and it seems in the second half we’re opting for a routine victory. But then disaster strikes. A mundane centre is sliced by Winston Reid and the ball trickles past the wrong-footed Jaaskelainen. It’s United’s first shot on target.

120 MINS AND PENS ALL FOR A TENNER 

It’s desperation time now. Morrison looks off the pace because he isn’t match fit and Vaz Te doesn’t do enough for a senior player. Poyet is reasonably solid in midfield though. Diame nearly plays in Valencia while substitute Downing produces a great save from Howard with a long-range shot. But the game moves into extra time. Our other sub Zarate gets involved, but always runs into trouble, prompting Nigel to wonder if he’s the new David Di Michele.

At least we’re getting good value for our ten quid. The Blades have one shot on target in extra time though sub Campbell-Ryce causes a few problems, while for WHU Noble comes on for Morrison. We force numerous corners, but every shot is blocked. And so it goes to penalties. We think the last time we saw a shoot-out was the 2006 FA Cup Final, which didn’t go too well. Perhaps out takers should wear Tevez masks to give West Ham a psychological advantage.

SPOT OF BOTHER

Noble scores confidently with the first penalty, but United respond with a penalty into the top corner. Downing almost fluffs his penalty,  Zarate produces a good finish and then young Diego Poyet has the courage to step up and send the keeper the wrong way (though surely Diame should have taken one?). At 4-4 Valencia steps up and fires to the left of the keeper, but it’s a nice height and Howard saves. Doyle shows no nerves as he sends United through.

’There goes our Cup Final breakfast at Nigel’s,” I muse.

“At least we don’t have to get to the semi-final and lose 9-0 on aggregate,” suggests Matt.

The only good thing about the evening is that the Central now has Greene King IPA on draught, though it’s delivered by gas and not a hand pump. Still, it’s progress. We haven’t played particularly well or particularly badly, but it’s still our best chance of Wembley gone. Guess we’ll have to settle for just one Cup this year then…

PLAYER RATINGS: Jaaskelainen 5, Demel 6, Reece 6, Reid 5, Potts 5; Diame 6, Poyet 6, Morrison 5 (Noble 6), Vaz Te 5 (Zarate 6), Valencia 5,  Sakho 6 (Downing 6).