Statement win for Hammers with cast-iron(ish) penalty

West Ham 2 Manchester United 1

Arriving at the London Stadium I'm greeted by the incredible news from Michael the Whovian that a disco version of the Doctor Who theme has been played on the PA before kick-off. Even more surprisingly Matt, Lisa, Michael and Big Sam have been served quickly and efficiently in the Best Cafe. DC is absent we learn, taking in the Leaning Tower of Pisa, a structure built on dodgy foundations, so nothing at all like being at West Ham.

Loppy has dropped Areola, Todibo and Soucek, while Kudus is suspended. The game kicks off with the sun in our eyes and Man United dominating. In the second minute Garnacho hits the bar. Fabianski has to block a shot from Hojlund and Fernandes head a good chance over. A simple ball over the top from Fernandes sees Dalot round Fabianski and then shoot over an open goal to much derision from the home fans. Alvarez back-heads a United corner against his own bar. Fabianski has to make a great one-handed save to keep out Casemiros's header.

Antonio has worked hard and Wan-Bissaka has at times threatened going forward, but it's been a very poor half from West Ham and United could be three or four up. Soler looks lost on the left wing, Paqueta has been peripheral and the Irons haven't got stuck into United at all.  

At half time we agree that there are two ways of looking at it; if we've ridden our luck so much we could go and win it, or that it's inevitable the pressure will eventually tell. Lopetegui takes decisive action at the break, taking off Mavropanos, Paqueta and Soler for Todibo, Soucek and Summerville. He might even have thrown some teacups.

West Ham start with much greater intensity as Bowen and Wan-Bissaka cause problems on the right and Soucek gives us a greater physical presence.. On the left wing Jimmy Summerville's speed is a welcome outlet and he plays in several inviting crosses. Emerson can\t quite get on the end of Antonio's cross. Antonio curls a shot just wide and the crowd start to get behind the Irons. Danny Ings comes on for Antonio.

VAR WE LOVE YOU

Incredibly WHU take the lead on 74 minutes. Bowen crosses from the right, Ings scuffs his shot and Summerville has made up a lot of ground to stroke home at the back post as the Bobby Moore Stand erupts. That will give Crysencio some confidence. 

Only then West Ham sit back and seven minutes later United win three headers in the box and Casemiro equalises. To their credit Lopetegui's men go for a winner. In the final minute the ball is lofted into the box and Ings goes down after a challenge from De Ligt. The ref plays on but a minute later there's a VAR check. Referee Coote awards a penalty after going to the monitor, even though it looks more like Ings has run into the big Dutchman. The United players go mental for a minute or so surrounding the ref. Thankfully Jarrod Bowen keeps cool after the long stoppage to stroke home a fine penalty. 

There's a tremendously nervy 14 minutes of added time as Todibo does well at the back, Emerson fires at Onana and eventually West Ham hold on for three points. There's something very satisfying about nicking a game after being outplayed in the first half and getting a late dodgy penalty.

Nigel and Sam take a detour on the way to the Eagle to buy a half and half scarf. The cover story is it's for Big Sam's stepdad, though we suspect it's actually for Nigel, as he's always wanted a West Ham/Man United half and half scarf. 

"These London derbies are always difficult," suggests Nigel. We agree that United's fans in Guildford and Woking will be gutted. Perhaps MUFC will turn to David Moyes to try and keep them up.

In the Eagle Sinead has Greene King IPA in the fridge as Matt reminisces about their greatest trips to Rochdale and the fact it's the only ground where he's seen a fox on the pitch - apart from at Leicester, of course. We agree that United just couldn't handle Danny Ings and get another round in. While Michael enjoys so much added drinking time it could be David Coote is officiating in the Eagle. Will this result kick-start our season? Hopefully so. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Wan-Bissaka 7, Mavropanos 6 (Todibo 7), Kilman 6, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 6 (Cresswell n/a), Alvarez 6, Paqueta 5 (Soucek 6), Soler 4 (Summerville 8); Bowen 8, Antonio 7 (Ings 7). 

Oh what fun it is to see West Ham win at home

West Ham 2 Manchester United 0

The big news is that Fraser, Nigel and myself are all sporting West Ham Christmas jumpers, perhaps a case of three unwise men. Michael the Whovian is at home with Covid and his ticket has gone to my daughter Lola, whose last game was the 5-1 defeat to Newcastle. Up against an out of form United, what could possibly go wrong?

The first half is poor. Emerson has an early shot saved but both sides lack rhythm. Late on Kudus's poor back pass sees a chance created for Garnacho, who fires against Areola in a one-on-one. Antony sends over a dangerous cross. The Fonz then has a wobble as he fumbles Mainoo's tame effort wide of the post.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time in an attempt to inspire the lads. It's hard to get an atmosphere going for a 12.30pm kick-off but the West Han fans respond as the side improves in the second half. Bowen's header from a corner is athletically tipped over by Onana.

It takes a brilliant ball over the top from Paqueta to make the breakthrough on 72 minutes. Bowen runs through and fires against Onana but bobbles the ball back in after Onana gets a hand to it. West Ham are indeed massive.

It's two six minutes later when Mainoo lets the ball roll under his foot and Paqueta sends the gift through to Kudus, Mo still has two defenders in front of him but expertly fires into the corner. Then he sits on the hoardings. Matt thinks it will be a long journey back to Surrey for the Man United fans. Another plus is the clean sheet and a decent game from Mavropanos alongside Zouma. 

So it's thirty points for the Hammers and some vindication for the weakened side at Anfield. Merry Christmas, one and all!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 6, Zouma 7, Mavropanos 7 Emerson 7; Soucek 6, Paqueta 8, Alvarez 7, Ward-Prowse 6; Bowen 8 (Fornals n/a), Kudus 8 (Johnson n/a).

Wasteful Hammers undone by 13 minutes of United class

West Ham 1 Man United 3

It's good to see 2000 fans singing along to Bubbles at the start and even that socially-distanced number of fans generate a little atmosphere. I'm watching this on Sky having missed out on the ballot. It's a great start by the Irons, pressing United back from the kick-off. Bowen has the ball in the net early on but it's correctly ruled out for offside. But already the Hammers are looking much better than against Villa.

Bowen is having a storming game and goes around Telles to cross for Fornals. The midfielder heads into the side-netting when he should have maybe scored. Fornals then pokes a shot against the post after a Bowen cross has been laid-off by Haller.

SUPER TOMAS SOUCEK

The Hammers take the lead from a corner. With the United defence watching Rice heads across goal and Soucek pokes it home at the far post. Finally there's authentic cheering at the London Stadium. It should be two when Fornals plays through Haller. Sebastian rounds the goalkeeper, beats a defender and then, with the goal gaping, slips over as if shot by the same sniper who got Jack Grealish. 

Wan-Bissaka has to make a saving tackle to deny Bowen. Martial then has United's first shot on target after 44 minutes. At the interval you wonder of West Ham will rue missing so many chances as United bring on Fernandes and Rashford for the second half.

The Hammers again start well as Haller finds Coufal wide on the right and Bowen just fails to convert the full back's low cross. It's then that United produce a devastating 13 minutes. 

KICKED INTO TOUCH

Henderson kicks the ball down the line and David Moyes instantly appeals that the ball has curled over the touchline. The ref and lino ignore him, Fernandes crosses and Pogba fires a rocket into the corner. Looking at the replays on Match of the Day it's amazing VAR didn't disallow it, as the ball must surely have gone out before it bent back into play. "Ye cannae change the laws of geometry!" as Scotty might have said. 

West Ham then drop their concentration levels. Fernandes is creating lots of chances and a couple of minutes later Greenwood turns Van Basten-like to brilliantly convert an average cross from Telles. Rashford springs West Ham's offside strike to hit the post. His speed is causing Coufal and the defence big problems and the scourge of Boris Johnson then races on to Fernandes through ball to convert the third. If only he'd not had so many free school lunches he might not be so fast...

At least the Irons give it a go at the end. Benrahma comes on as sub and chips just over the bar while a late Cresswell free kick is well-saved by Henderson. Our 2000 fans get used to saying once again that it's not the despair they can't take. We used up our luck against Villa and it's no disgrace to lose to a side with some world-class finishers. But even so, if West Ham had taken their chances in the first half and VAR had done its job we'd have got something from this.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 6 (Johnson n/a), Balbuena 6, Ogbonna 6, Cresswell 6, Masuaku 6; Rice 7, Soucek 7, Fornals 6 (Benrahma 6); Bowen 8 (Lanzini 5), Haller 5.

All's well that's Cresswell

West Ham 2 Manchester United 0

It's to the Best Cafe for our pre-match repast, where Lisa and Matt have caused consternation with their hipster north London ways, through ordering ciabatta and a halloumi baguette. After a plea from the overstretched waitress we opt for eggs, chips and beans instead. We're joined by Michael, who denies having the whip removed, and my daughter Nell, who opts for a late toasted cheese and ham sandwich at Greggs. 

We just make the kick-off where we join Fraser, Steve the Cornish postie and Clacton Joe (Alison is away preparing to govern).The first half hour is tepid, with Matic and Yarmolenko both firing shots into the goalkeeper's chest. Fornals, replacing the injured Lanzini, is struggling with the pace of the game. 

Noble has a volley saved by De Gea as the game stutters into life. The biggest talking point has been United's dodgy away kit, a horrible yellow/brown/pink peach colour. When Rashford does show his pace, Rice makes an excellent covering tackle

As the half seems destined to end goalless Mystic Michael lends a hand. "Does Yarmolenko actually have a left foot?" he complains, just as Noble feeds Anderson. Felipe dinks a lovely first-time pass into the path of Yarmolenko, who with one deft touch bamboozles Maguire and then wraps his left boot around the ball to strike it firmly into the corner. Yarmy has proved the boo boy wrong.

United are better at the start of the second half, with Mata poking wide when he should have scored. But West Ham hold out and counter. Yarmolenko cleverly sets up Anderson who fires against De Gea's knees. Fabianski isn't that busy, apart from having to make a fine stop from Maguire's shot after a corner.

TOP CORNER
We all moan when Anderson is replaced by Wilshere, but actually it proves to be a sound substitution. Jack keeps the ball and shows his class as United continually foul him. From one free kick Cresswell fires just over. Then with ten minutes left Wilshere finds Noble who is clogged again. This time Cressy fires a lovely free kick over the wall and into the top corner before running to our corner to celebrate. After his Yarmolenko faux pas Michael points out that he has already said Cresswell looks like he's really playing for his place.

"Dad, you never said that was going to happen," says a puzzled Nell. 

United have fallen a long way, and there is no Fergie-time barrage as the Hammers fans cheer every pass. Still, WHU have to beat these mid-table teams and it's an encouraging result. Nigel texts from Brighton to quip that he's watching another set of struggling Reds.

We head off to the boat bar on the River Lea, pre-booked by Lisa, though Steve the Cornish Postie fails to keep touch tight on his man and loses us in the throng. Fraser announces that he's up for a prize as the Raymond Chandler of E20. A couple of bottles of Doom Bar round off a day when WHU have, incredibly, kept their third league clean sheet in a row, our best defensive run since the great days of David Moyes. We go fifth. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Fredericks 7 (Zabaleta 6), Diop 7, Ogbonna 6, Cresswell 8; Rice 7, Fornals 5, Noble 8, Anderson 6 (Wilshere 7); Yarmolenko 8 (Snodgrass n/a), Haller 6.

Super Hammers demolish Mourinho's men

West Ham United 3 (three) Manchester United 1

It’s off to Hackney Wick for an early start where they’re selling vegan beet burgers outside Tank — the vegan burgers in Ken’s Café were surely better. It’s a full turn-out at the London Stadium. Alison and Scott have remembered their tickets today, Nigel’s back from up north, and Michael’s visiting his theatre of dreams along with Matt, Lisa and Fraser.

West Ham start brightly with Noble setting the tone by flying into tackles. WHU score after five minutes. The inspirational Noble finds Zabaleta with a through ball, and although marginally offside, Zab crosses for Anderson to flick home with a audacious back heel. There’s a gasp of admiration from the crowd when they see the replay. The Brazilian’s the sort of Fancy Felipe we love to see at West Ham. Scoring so early, we calculate we should be on for at least nine today.

Lukaku grazes the outside of the post with a header as the Mancs look like they might be coming back into it. Then Diop is roundly applauded for a Moore-esque tackle as he calmly dispossesses the big United striker.

YARMY ARMY

West Ham respond with a corner and after picking up Diop’s header, Yarmolenko shifts the ball on to his left foot and fires in a shot that rebounds off Lindelof into the net. A little fortunate perhaps, but credit to the big Ukrainian for making it happen. Two-nil to the cockney boys.

United are a big side but out of condition, and we do this for a living. The Red Devils are ponderous in their passing, with Pogba looking frustrated and spending a lot of time moaning. United’s malaise is summed up when a corner goes straight to Noble and West Ham break at speed allowing Anderson to find Arnautovic, who fires over the bar. The black-clad Mourinho paces his technical area like a Portuguese philosophy professor who’s had too much caffeine as he’s regaled with the East End bon mot of, “F**k off Mourinho!”

At half time Fraser quips that we’d scored three at this stage against Macclesfield. Michael the Possible Whovian approves of the programme feature on “Doctor WHU” (aka club doctor Richard Weiler).

The United comeback almost arrives as Fabianski makes a sensational low save with one hand to deny Fellaini’s header. Pogba goes off after 70 minutes to much derision. But United’s changes work as Rashford brilliantly backheels a corner home despite the attentions of two defenders.

But West Ham respond three minutes later. United are claiming Rashford has been pushed by Zabaleta as the ball finds Noble. The West Ham skipper plays it straight through a statuesque United defence for Arnautovic to calmly slot home. It looks so easy that at first I assume the ref has blown for offside. But it’s quite correctly a goal and Arnie runs to the bench to hold up a Sanchez shirt in support of the midfielder who might be out for months with medial ligament problems. Arnie deserves his goal for he has been immense up front.

YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL ANYMORE!

Sub Robert Snodgrass gets a deserved cheer for some manic pressing as the Irons refuse to let up the intensity. Michael amuses the lads in front of us with his “damn your eyes!” comment after the ref refuses a free kick, and Fabianski has to make a low save from McTominay’s low effort. But United don’t come at us with anything like the intensity of the Ferguson sides and we’re almost relaxed for the final stages.

“You’re not Special anymore!" rings round the ground. Pellegrini even manages to bring young Grady Diangana on for his league debut in the final two minutes.

The whistle blows and the players stay on the sun-soaked pitch for a long time saluting the fans as Bubbles and Twist and Shout comes on the PA.

Fraser, Michael, Matt and Lisa heads off to the pub to meet Gambling Dan, who is in the money as he had a wager on West Ham to win 3-1. On Wednesday he’d just missed out after bets on the Irons winning 9-0 and 10-0.

Meanwhile I’m off to the RAF Club in Piccadilly (it’s like the Central but with more pictures of Spitfires) for my pal Mark’s 60th birthday celebrations, where’s he’s pleased to receive a signed Trevor Brooking book and signed picture of Billy Bonds. My pal Nick, a United fan, is there too and very keen on Mourinho being sacked. So a good day all round. After the first four defeats the pundits were predicting we’d be pointless after seven games. But seven points in three matches has left the season looking very different.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Zabaleta 8, Diop 8, Balbuena 7, Masuaku 7; Rice 7, Noble 9, Obiang 7; Anderson 8 (Diangana n/a), Arnautovic 8 (Antonio 6), Yarmolenko 7 (Snodgrass 7). 

Two-nil to the referee!

West Ham 0 Man United 2

This one’s all about Mike Dean. West Ham had started purposefully with Lanzini forcing a save from De Gea and Feghouli having his best spell in a West Ham shirt. But all that changes after 15 minutes. Feghouli miscontrols the ball and as it breaks loose he goes in hard with Phil Jones. It’s a 50-50 ball and Feghouli’s studs are pointed downwards, while Jones clatters Sofiane in a scissor tackle. The United centre back rolls over with a theatricality seldom seen in E20, even by Michael the Whovian who went to 196 shows last year. Mike Dean flourishes a red when even a yellow card for both players might have been harsh. 

TAKING THE MIKE 

Nigel wonders if Mike Dean’s been instructed by Karren Brady to help whip up the atmosphere. It certainly works as the London Stadium suggests, “Mike Dean, it’s all about you!” and then that the referee is an anchor, or something like that. It’s Dean’s fifth red card of the season and sending off Sofiane so early has ruined the game for 57,000 fans and the TV audience. “Christmas cracker!” hollers the gentleman next to Alison, as well as the obligatory “Get up you tart!” Thankfully Matt’s lost his voice as you sense he might have some ungodly words for Mr Dean.

West Ham really give it a go for the rest of the half, with Antonio and Obiang battling for everything. Carroll has sensibly been rested, but Antonio chases everything up front. While 15-year-old Nell asks if Wayne Rooney is still alive. Think he’s in a bathchair on the bench somewhere.

The Post does his bit (but can we hold on to him on the transfer window?) when Valencia miscues and Randolph has to save the rebound from Lingard. But West Ham go close at the end of the half too, as Lanzini’s curling effort is clawed away by De Gea.

ANTONIO WOE 

An under-pressure Antonio just fails to get a clean header on a Payet free kick in the second half. The key moment comes when Lanzini plays a lovely through ball to Antonio, who in a one-on-one with Dea Gea fires against the keeper’s kegs. Had it been 1-0 West Ham might have held on for a victory that would have set us up for the rest of the season. As it was, subs Mata and Rashford make the difference for United.

Rashford bamboozles emergency right-back Nordtveit, gliding past Havard and Reid before pulling it black to Mata who finishes crisply. Carroll comes on but West Ham’s ten men inevitably sag, and Randolph fumbles a Rashford effort against his own post. Ibrahimovic makes it two as the otherwise excellent Obiang fails to clear and a lucky deflection off Herrera gives him the chance to beat Randolph. Irbrahimovic is clearly offside and two other United players are wondering lonely as clouds among Wordsworthian swathes of green, but bizarrely the lino and Mr Dean fail to spot this.

West Ham fans show their appreciation of Mike Dean

So it ends up a win for United, who are on a fine run, but West Ham have shown a pleasing intensity and had they played with eleven men they might have got something out of the game. Also let’s note that there doesn’t appear to have been any trouble; the London Stadium has at least passed a major security test, even if we have been too distracted by Mr Dean to notice. This is one ref Mourinho won’t be complaining about.

Still, if we play with this level of commitment against City and Palace the results will surely come.

PLAYER RATINGS: Randolph 6; Nordtveit 5, Reid 6, Ogbonna 6, Cresswell 6; Feghouli 6, Kouyate 6 (Fernandes 5), Lanzini 8 (Ayew n/a), Obiang 7, Payet 6 (Carroll 5); Antonio 7. 

Winston wins it in (almost) perfect Boleyn send-off

The last supper in Ken's Cafe

West Ham 3 Manchester United 2

So it’s one last trip on the Hammersmith and City line to Upton Park. Green Street is full of fans with cameras during my walk to the Newham Bookshop at 5pm. A large crowd of fans are singing “We’ve Got Payet” round the World Cup statue and the word is they’ve been drinking since noon. Vivian and John are dispensing bottles of pale ale to the favoured. I sign two of my books for one of the Belgian Irons, a lecturer called Ivan from Antwerp. Then a fan from Sweden says he’s enjoyed them too and my suggestion is that Britain must surely remain in the EU to maintain these Newham/Europe links.

It’s on to Ken’s Café for a final egg chips and beans, bread and butter and cup of tea. Michael has decided to add some literal colour to the blog by dying his hair claret and blue. Even more controversially, he’s wearing a shirt with Jonathan Spector’s name on the back (which is liked by Mrs Spector on twitter). Matt’s there minus his unlucky Dukla Prague away shirt but in an early 1960s WHU top, along with claret-clad Lisa, who’s got a ticket from DC (who stops to eat, so momentous is the occasion). Nigel is in his claret-hooped away shirt for “the London derby” against MUFC. Big Joe arrives with Candy on a romantic dinner date while Phill Jupitus eats one last isotonic liver, bacon and mash, scarpering before Carol sees that he’s not finished his mash. As we leave for the match Carol dispenses kisses to us all.

Spector at the feast

Walking past the bus station to the East Stand Matt and Nigel recycle their papers behind the away coaches and in a middle-class fan dilemma wonder where the recycling facilities will be at Stratford.

Inside the East Stand we find free t-shirts, wrist bands and flag cards on our seats. Though Fraser refuses to compromise his mid-period Dexys look by wearing the shirt over his caret and blue neckerchief.

NIGHTMARE ON GREEN STREET

News come through that the kick-off has been postponed until 8.30pm because the Man United coach has been bottled. Lisa, in the Alpari, texts to say that it’s chaos in Green Street. I start to envisage FA bans and playing behind closed doors at the OS next season. The coach attack is inexcusable and stupid and is surely the result of people without tickets drinking all day; though as David Sullivan says, why couldn’t United have arrived earlier instead of close to 7pm? Everyone knew there would be huge crowds and traffic congestion. It also seems the police have lost control of the large numbers of fans. The bottle throwing is deplorable, but an early arrival would have minimised the security risks. My MUFC friend Robert texts to ask if it’s an ICF reunion.

Is it Javier Margas?

So the DJ has another 45 minutes to fill, which tests his CD box, though Nigel is pleased when Iron Man by Black Sabbath comes on, presumably borrowed from Slaven’s personal collection. We get My Way with a video, but no sign of Fraser’s legendary version of Bubbles by Frank Sinatra.

The sister of the bloke from the Treasury in front of us asks for a picture and reveals that we are known as ‘The Philosophers’ to her party. Must be Matt’s Socratic dialogues on Mark Clattenburg.

A brass band makes a reappearance at Upton Park for the first time since the 1970s (my dad would have enjoyed that) and plays a moving Abide With Me as pictures of our late stars are flashed up.

Lisa's view from the Alpari Stand

At kick-off there’s a hugely emotional Bubbles with the crowd divided into claret and blue blocks through wearing the free t-shirts. The misty, damp night adds to the atmosphere. It’s the loudest I’ve heard a West Ham crowd, beating the atmosphere of Ipswich in the Play-off semi-final and the Cup Winners ‘ Cup game against Eintracht Frankfurt.

HE SCORES WHEN HE WANTS

Suddenly a football match breaks out. West Ham show all the verve and commitment they were lacking against Swansea. Kouyate has a great game as a defensive shield with Noble more advanced. The Boleyn erupts after ten minutes as Cresswell finds Lanzini on the left and his pull-back is slotted into the corner by Sakho, with the aid of a deflection off Blind. “DIAFRA SAKHO HE SCORES WHEN HE WANTS!” roars the entire stadium.

The geezer behind us is an old school fan wanting Bonzo to effing well sort out Rooney, before politely asking Michael why he’s wearing a Spector shirt. Wayne Rooney also gets taunted about grandmothers.

West Ham have two good chances as Andy Carroll goes through in a one on one only to see his shot saved by De Gea and Payet curls a good chance wide. At half-time we wonder if not getting the second might be costly.

Down in the concourse Michael the Whovian finally gains courage (fortified by a few beers in the Boleyn) to ask for a photograph with actor Donald Sumpter, aka Lord High President of the Time Lords and also a young captain in The Sea Devils. Donald obliges. It doesn’t get better than this.

COME ON YOU IRONS

United appear galvanised in the second half and begin well. The Bobby Moore Stand refuse to give the ball back to De Gea and the delay seems to affect West Ham’s concentration. Mata skips past Ogbonna in the box and crosses for Martial to equalise. De Gea celebrates and gets a water bottle thrown at him and a not very witty East End chorus of “You Spanish c***!”

Carroll has a header cleared off the line but after 72 minutes United appear to have won it as Martial runs at Reid and scores from a seemingly impossible angle, beating Randolph at his near post.

But the crowd respond with a deep-throated roar of “Come on you Irons!” Sinews are strained, Mark Noble is everywhere and some kind of psycho-kinetic vortex, possibly inspired by Donald Sumpter, is sucking the ball towards the United goal.

Mystic Matt is just saying that Antonio doesn’t get headers anymore. Dimitri Payet hits a free kick into the wall, but given a second chance from the rebound he chips a lovely ball into the box for Antonio to rise and power a header into the top of the net and Upton Park erupts once more.

WINSTON, WINSTON REID!

Should we respect the point? Surely it can’t be a Hollywood ending? But there are seemingly higher powers at work here, and not just Andy Carroll.

Noble is hacked down again and from Payet’s free-kick Winston Reid heads into the net as De Gea gets a hand to it prevent a goal. Winston runs for the corner as there’s another mass outpouring of elation among the claret and blue hordes. Who put the ball in the Mancs' net? Winston, Winston Reid. 

West Ham threaten a fourth as the whole ground wills the Hammers home. We survive four minutes of added time and tumultuous cheers at the whistle nearly bring down the East Stand earlier than scheduled. We go sixth, which has been almost forgotten amid the mayhem.

Phew. Not much colour for the blog there. The players return for a lap of honour complete with Adrian holding his baby and lots of mini Dimitris. Then it’s Twist and Shout and Hi Ho Silver Lining as a stage is erected, possibly for Two Bob Ray from the Central.

GOODBYE TO BOLEYN 

In a way, after an evening like that, I’d just like the game itself to stand as a memorial to the Boleyn.

But after Sugar Hut-style lights, flames and fireworks the closing ceremony begins, compered by Sky Sports’ Bianca Westwood and Ben Shephard, though it should have been Jeremy Nicholas. Bianca talks to Carlton Cole and Marlon Harwood who both get some songs from the stands, but it’s all a bit long and doesn’t finish until 11.30pm.

The videos and taxis (was Alan Dickens driving one?) bringing in the former Hammers stars aren’t really necessary and perhaps they should just have stuck to Brooking, Di Canio, Martin Peters and Mark Noble. Bizarrely there’s no mention of Geoff Hurst either and Bonzo can’t make it, though Nigel gives Pottsy a standing ovation.

Still, Paolo gets it right by mentioning loyalty and passion and Mark Noble gets huge cheers for declaring: “I've got my family here, I mean every West Ham fan out there when I say my family. Thanks to every single one of you.”

The evening ends with the Cockney Rejects performing Bubbles. Just as well that they don’t do West Side Boys or War on the Terraces after the coach incident.

As the lights go out, announcing “Mr Moon has left the stadium” is a lovely touch at the end.

Everyone has to rush for the last tube at 11.30pm so no lingering last looks at Boleyn… We take one last visit to the Gents and ponder nicking the “no solid objects in the urinal” sign, but think better of it. Fraser and Michael, in a triumph of optimism over experience, venture off to see if the Central is open. I walk to East Ham with Nigel and Matt, where we get one of the  last trains.

It’s a shame that a few Herberts outside will get all the headlines, but inside the stadium it’s been a fitting tribute; exciting, exhausting, intimidating and thoroughly nerve-shredding. At 1 o'clock I finally make it home, and deprived of a last dodgy beer at the Central, break out a Bowmore whisky and toast our old friend — the Boleyn Ground.

PLAYER RATINGS: Randolph 6; Antonio 8, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 7; Payet 8 (Valencia n/a), Lanzini 7 (Obiang 6), Kouyate 8, Noble 9; Sakho 8 (Tomkins n/a), Carroll 8.