We've won at home! Soucek seals victory over Geordies

West Ham 3 (three) Newcastle 1 

The day begins with another Guardian article from Jacob Steinberg reading, "West Ham are a shambles - and Nuno shows little sign of being able to fix it." These are desperate times and as Nigel's lucky banana isn't working I take my lucky daughter, Nell, now a 24-year-old with an MA who as a seven-year-old predicted we might one day win Infinity-nil. We're joined by Nigel and CQ plus Michael the Whovian, with Matt, Lisa and Big Sam unavailable for selection.

Nuno has at least picked a sensible side with the full backs not inverted and Potts and Fernandes in central midfield instead of Irving and Soucek. The first four minutes seem to sum up our season as some nice passing between Diouf and Paqueta releases Summerville to drive at the Toon defence. His pass finds Bowen who thumps his shot against the inside of the post. From the rebound Newcastle break and with Kilman upfield Diouf is turned inside out by Murphy who scores 26 seconds later with a fine shot across Areola.

Surely things can't get any worse. Our season is going the way of Lily Allen's marriage and Andrew Mountbatten Windsor's career prospects. "They've made us angry now," I tell Nell, fearing another capitulation. Yet the Hammers stick at it. Wan-Bissaka wins a sliding tackle, plays a give and go with Jarrod Bowen, who is bought down in the box for a penalty. Only VAR intervenes to rule that Thiaw got a toe to the ball first. Next Summerville wins a free kick. Paqueta puts it under the wall and Pope makes a fine save to tip the ball on to the post. From the corner Max Kilman has a header tipped over by Pope.

The crowd stick with the Irons sensing that there is something different about this side. Young Freddie Potts is snapping into tackles and playing sensibly in front of the defence while Fernandes and Paqueta are working really hard with the side getting the ball forward much quicker. We even appear able to defend corners.

Redemption arrives after 35 minutes. Pope punches a cross clear, Fernandes passes it short to Paqueta and Lucas fires a well-placed left-foot shot into the bottom corner, celebrating with an arm pointed to the great VAR God above.

Areola makes a fine low save to deny Gordon and we fear that West Ham will yet again concede just before the break. But instead Fernandes cleverly chips over three players to release Wan-Bissaka who charges down the right and crosses. Botman sticks out a leg and diverts home for an own goal. That's the piece of luck we needed.

HE'S ONE OF OUR OWN

At half-time Michael rashly predicts a 4-2 home win as we enjoy the pleasant if worrying sensation of being ahead and discuss Steve Potts' one goal for West Ham in a 7-1 win over Hull City.

The Irons mount some promising attacks as Wilson goes off for Soucek after 61 minutes, with Tomas playing as an emergency striker. Kilman has another header tipped over by Pope. After that corner a series of crosses come in and Potts seems to have poked in the third, though sodding VAR intervenes again and Soucek is ruled offside by a toe.

What a moment that would have been for 22-year-old Freddie and dad Steve, sitting on the West Ham bench. "Freddie Potts, he's one of our own!" chant the home fans. It's no coincidence that Kilman and Todibo have looked much better with a defensive shield in front of them.

For all the criticism of the London Stadium, spontaneous choruses of I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles start to ring round the bowl and it's really quite noisy. Finally the fans have something to get behind.

Michael starts to get worried as Walker-Peters replaces Summerville, and the Hammers sit back. But it's not until the 89th minute that the Toon have an effort on target with Osula's header easily saved by Areola. "Five minutes and we're almost there!" suggests Nigel in added time, having just seen the Stranglers at the Roundhouse.

SMELLS LIKE TEAM SPIRIT

We're in the 97th minute when Kilman wins a massive header. It falls to Bowen who plays a give and go with Paqueta. Jarrod shoots low through the legs of Pope and bouncing Czech Tomas Soucek is on hand to prod the ball over the line. VAR tries to intervene but eventually it's allowed and Nuno is embracing his staff before leading the team on a victory lap of the stadium. VE Day must have felt a bit like like this. It's West Ham's best home performance for two years and this has looked much more like the solid counter-attacking team Nuno had at Forest. For once everyone in the side has played well - a real team performance. If it hadn't been for the post and VAR the score might have been infinity-one.

It's West Ham's first home victory since beating Leicester on February 27. We're not sure how to celebrate a victory but opt for a trip to the Eagle for Guinness, Peroni, Jameson whisky and Spitfire. BBC Sport has the very unusual words "impressive West Ham" in its match headline. After that there's the shock of Michael Carrick and Robert Green being nice about us on Match of the Day. This victory is a step forward though we now have to follow it up by getting a result against Burnley. But for the first time in ages WHU looked like a team. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Wan-Bissaka 8, Kilman 8, Todibo 7, Diouf 7; Potts 8, Fernandes 8 (Igor n/a), Paqueta 8; Summerville 7 (Walker-Peters 7), Wilson 7 (Soucek 7), Bowen 8.

Not taking goals to Newcastle

West Ham 0 Newcastle United 1

There's flames and fireworks before kick-off, accompanied by Led Zeppelin's Kashmir as the pre-match entertainment hypes things up. Then on comes a walking Antonio to rousing applause, cut short by a premature playing of Bubbles as a giant Antonio flag is draped across the Bobby Moore Stand. A good moment. Micky will surely be back and having seen off Haller, Scamacca and Fullkrug will probably still be up front at 45. I'm joined by Nigel, Michael and Big Sam hoping we'll take goals to a weakened Newcastle, who have the League Cup Final to play on Sunday.

An unchanged West Ham start the game with a burst of energy, as Kudus crosses from the left, Livramento miscues and Soucek shoots over with a great chance. A loose ball picked up by Ward-Prowse and then Kudus sets up Bowen for a chance he passes straight to Pope. But Newcastle improve and start to look the stronger side. Areola has to react really quickly to save Barnes' flick and then has to parry the same player's header around the post.

Kudus fires a long-range effort straight at Pope and then hesitates and allows Trippier to tackle when through as an entertaining first half ends goalless. 

Without the restraining influence of Lisa Matt has been mainlining statistics, producing a book of strange football facts at half time. He reveals that Aston Villa's Chris Nicholl once scored all four goals in a 2-2 draw with Leicester, two of them own goals. And that Joe Payne scored ten goals in a game for Luton against Bristol Rovers in 1936 but then only scored six in ten games with West Ham. Matt is particularly pleased with the information that the referee for the 1878 FA Cup was one Segar Bastard of Upton Park. We return comfortably numbed to our seats.

Kudus has a hopeful penalty shout turned down early in the second half.  Newcastle look fully committed despite their cup final and start to look the more likely to score. Areola has to produce a brilliant tip over to prevent Kilman scoring a looping own goal. 

WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE

On 63 minutes Newcastle score. Barnes's cross is deflected straight back to him and he crosses into the box again. Isak has done a crafty push on Kilman making him miss the ball and Guimaraes gets ahead of Scarles to score. Despite the West Ham protests ref Michael Salisbury (no relation to Segar Bastard) allows it.

Potter brings on Paqueta, Soler and the Greek Bloke. The midfield of Ward-Prowse, Alvaraz and Soucek has worked hard but lacked imagination. Paqueta suddenly provides some spark as his dink over the defence plays in Bowen, who claims a penalty after he's pushed to the ground.

Pope goes down with an 'injury' as the Toon try to kill the game. On come Ferguson and Danny Ings as the crowd do their best to rally the team. To be the fair the Hammers give it a go although all we seem to do is pump balls at Schar and Burn. 

"Slow it down lads, why don't you?" When Mavropanos plays a great crossfield ball into touch it's too much for Matt, who is already despairing at the efforts of Ferguson and Soler and the laboured build-up. At this point Nigel is messaging Lisa suggesting she book that couples wellness retreat in San Francisco.

Newcastle see out the game and it's a narrow home defeat, although at times we've looked half-decent against a quality side. At the end Nigel reveals that he's forgotten to eat his lucky banana, which might have been our problem. 

It's not happening for Mo Kudus though and the time has probably come to ditch the five at the back and give Ferguson a game. Should Summerville and Fullkrug ever be fit that might help, though the season is petering out as we battle for 16th place. 

We head to Stratford Broadway, trying a new pub, the Queen's Head. Bizarrely we're asked to produce proof of identity before entering as presumably we all look underage. There's Brixton Pale and it's not too bad if only they turned the music down. At 11 we're chucked out and Matt and Michael head off to the Goldengrove, named after a Gerald Manley Hopkins poem. Matt is moved to state that GMH was probably a Hammer writing, "And yet you will weep and know why."

All in all a professional performance from Newcastle and proof that Potter has some way to go to mould the side into top half contenders. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 8; Wan-Bissaka 6, Kilman 7, Todibo 6 (Mavropanos 6), Cresswell 6 (Ferguson 5), Scarles 6; Ward-Prowse 7 (Ings n/a), Alvarez 6 (Soler 5), Soucek 5 (Paqueta 5); Kudus 6, Bowen 6.

At last some Kudus for Irons

West Ham United 2 Newcastle United 2 

The London Stadium is burning on a ridiculously hot October afternoon - proof that the last thing Rishi should be doing is allowing more oil wells and encouraging the Laurence Fox brigade. Away from planetary concerns Matt and Lisa have been to a Kings Place talk on Rachmaninoff (so genteel that Matt felt he couldn't wear colours) which strangely enough wasn't full of members of the Toon Army. Fraser is tanned from a trip to Benidorm, Michael has been networking at Politicos bookshop and Nigel's been to see Muse live. 

The Hammers start well and take the lead early on. Antonio finds Paqueta who plays a lovely ball over the defence to Emerson. His touch is good and the full-back takes it round the onrushing Pope and crosses for Soucek to score with a simple finish. That's Tomas's fourth goal of the season - he's already beaten last season's tally. 

West Ham play well in the first half with Paqueta showing some delightful touches and Alvarez strong in the tackle. Guimaraes is booked for a foul on Emerson but then is bizarrely spared a second yellow after a late tackle on Ward-Prowse. Emerson gets booked for waving an imaginary card, but Almiron escapes for the same offence. Dan Burn has a header just wide of the post but apart from that Newcastle never really get going after their midweek win against PSG.

At half time Matt produces his copy of When Saturday Comes and shares the article revealing that the smallest settlement in Europe to have a team in the top division is Loughall FC from County Armagh in Northern Ireland, a village with a population of 232. Some groundhopper types are visiting the Lakeview Stadium because of this, not that this would appeal to any of our number. We're also joined at the break by Nigel's pal Reg and his son Kurt 'Henry' Cobain. In row 63 Reg seems to think the London Stadium can't compare with the intimacy of Barrow FC. 

Predictably enough Darth Vader's Newcastle improve in the second half after words from Eddie Howe. Alvarez sends a diving header narrowly wide but it's all Newcastle after that as Areola makes a great stop from Burn's header.

Paqueta is involved in a fifty-fifty tussle but the ref gives the Toon a very soft free kick. Alvarez heads the free-kick across his own box, playing Isak onside, who scores. "You're not fit to referee!" chant the home fans. Three minutes later Trippier gets down the right, just onside, and lobs a cross in to Isak, who scores as Aguerd and Coufal lose concentration while appealing for offside.

DRAWING DRAWING WEST HAM

It could easily be three when Burn's pass dissects the Hammers defence, Isak rounds Areola and shoots against the base of the post. The keeper has done well to not bring the Newcast'e forward down and it's a turning point. Perhaps sensing that he can't wind up the Vicar's Son any more without spontaneous combustion, Moyes finally brings on Kudus and Benrahma. 

Kudus has an instant impact impressing with his control and turns. A Ward-Prowse free-kick goes over the bar, unlike his Southampton efforts. Just as Michael is bemoaning another loss to his Newcastle bête noire, Coufal pays the ball inside to Kudus. The former Ajax man takes one touch and half-volleys home a crisp finish into the bottom corner before running to the Bobby Moore Stand. Now that was classy. 

"West Ham are massive!" echoes around the stadium as the crowd sense a late winner. They almost get it when Bowen cuts in on his left foot and his low drive is just touched by Pope, denying Benrahma a tap-in at the far post. 

I SOLD MY CAR TO LUCAS PAQUETA

The whistle goes and we'll take 2-2 against the Sportswashers, who are likely to be in the top six at least. We retreat to the Eagle's beer garden where two pub teams are on the TV and Nigel tests Matt on what is unique about St Johnstone. They are of course the only UK league team to have a 'J' in their name. We also learn that Nigel, who is off to see Jay Rayner's jazz night, has this week seen a version of Wishbone Ash play. They split but not in the style of a wishbone, with whoever gets the biggest half keeping the band name.

As Sinead provides the East London Pale Ale we have a discussion concerning Lucas Paqueta songs including, "There's nobody better than Lucas Paqueta!" and of course, "Just sold my car to Lucas Paqueta!" to the tune of the We Buy Any Car ad. Nigel leaves wondering if he can do a deal with Lucas for his Honda.

So the international break arrives with the Hammers seventh and on 14 points while topping our Europa League group. Not a bad start at all.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 7, Zouma 6, Aguerd 6, Emerson 7: Alvarez 7, Ward-Prowse 6, Paqueta 7, Soucek 7 (Kudus 8); Bowen 7, Antonio 6 (Benrahma 6). 

Hammer horror show

West Ham 1 Newcastle 5

Not a great game to take my two daughters to, though I'm sure the therapy bills will lessen and my own PTSD might end at some point. Michael is away on theatrical duties but we're joined by Fraser, Matt and Lisa, Nigel and Reg's son Henry, who appears to be have morphed into Kurt Cobain. 

It could have been a different game in the first minute. Bowen makes a great run into the box and his low cross is poked on to his pwn post by Guimaraes. The crowd are up for it under the lights - what could possibly go wrong?

But the Hammers are behind with Newcastle's first attack. Kehrer gives away a needless corner, Benrahma fails to close down Saint-Maximin and Wilson climbs between Zouma and Aguerd to head home. Terrible marking. On 12 minutes Schar's simple through ball sees Joelinton get round the back of Kehrer and score. VAR intervenes but he's been played onside by Emerson, and probably Lake and Palmer too.

The Hammers show some character to come back. Pope makes a good save from Paqueta's free kick and Botman makes a great block to deny Antonio, who also has a decent penalty appeal turned down. The Irons pull one back when Pope gets under Bowen's corner and Zouma heads home.

TAKING GOALS TO NEWCASTLE

It looks like being a tight game after Nigel eats his lucky banana at half time. That mood lasts for 23 seconds. We're taking our seats as Fabianski throws the ball out to Aguerd in a difficult position. Nayef miscontrols, Murphy nicks it and gives Wilson a simple tap in. 

Moyes brings on four subs but the game is over. Another Sunday league goal arrives when Fabianski, who has made three decent saves to keep the score down, rushes from goal only to nudge the ball to Isak who lobs the fourth. 

The seats around us are either empty or full of Vicar's Sons hurling abuse at our defensive miscreants. As added time arrives Paqueta loses the ball and Joelinton beats two defenders to fire home the fifth. "You're getting sacked on the morning!" sing the away and home fans. 

So it's home for a stiff whisky and a counselling session. Whatever Moyes is doing it isn't working and the new signings have backfired. My hunch is he'll be given the Fulham game to save his job. Newcastle look a good side under Howe but if WHU defend like this we're going down. And how about playing Antonio and Ings together? It's not Moyes doing the defending though, professionals should be able to eliminate such basic mistakes and the players need to respond at Craven Cottage, big time.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 5; Kehrer 4 (Coufal 6), Zouma 5, Aguerd 4, Emerson 4; Rice 6, Soucek 4 (Downes 5), Paqueta 6, Benrahma 5 (Cornet 5); Bowen 6, Antonio 6 (Ings 5).

Tired Hammers held by the Toon

West Ham United 1 Newcastle United 1

It's a rather subdued atmosphere for a 12.30pm kick off at the London Stadium, with some empty seats as the trains from Essex are down after Storm Eunice. But Nigel is there with his lucky Status Quo plastic bag, plus Matt, Lisa and Fraser. We're joined by Ernie, a member of the rather small club of Lithuanian-born Londoners who support Newcastle — he blames it on Alan Shearer. Michael the Playwright is spending more time with his folios and the part-time Clacton contingent are suffering from pier pressure.

Coufal has a hernia which is a blow, while Lanzini is also out. The Hammers start like they don't know how to cope with Storm Toon for the first ten minutes, even though Trippier and Saint Maximin are out for the visitors. Rice loses his man and Joelinton forces a good save from Fabianksi, before Willock has a shot deflected over.

Slowly the Irons come into the game, though much of our play is laboured. A good chance is created when Fredericks heads on to Bowen who strikes the bar from a tight angle. The Hammers take the lead after Antonio wins a free kick. Cresswell puts on an inviting cross and Dawson heads home to score in for the second time in two games.

All we have to do is keep the ball and hold out to half time. Yet in added time Rice miscues a header into the path of Willock, who moves sharply to toe home off the post for his first of the season.

DRAWING DRAWING WEST HAM

The second half sees much work-rate but little in the way of chances created, while Newcastle always look dangerous on the break. Antonio's afternoon is summed up by an air kick and then a shot ballooned over the bar. Soucek is anonymous, Benrahma gets hooked, Fornals works hard but doesn't create much and even Rice has a poor game. 

Johnson at least looks solid in place of Fredericks and Dawson and Zouma have good games at the back. While Vlasic injects some energy when he comes on to immediately get clogged. Late on Bowen is scythed down by an agricultural challenge from Dan Burn and almost gets in a fight, probably threatening the Toon defender with a visit from Danny Dyer.

It ends in a score draw and is a fair result. We effectively relinquished a top-four chance by failing to sign anyone in the window and now it's a case of hanging on to the top eight. Somehow Moyes has to get the team out its tired mode and summon up some energy. But at least we are picking up the odd point when looking knackered and are now unbeaten in four, to be more positive — and Newcastle have given a spirited performance.

We trudge away in the drizzle to Stratford as I point out that we could still be relegated on 42 points. Inside the Refreshment Rooms we are joined by Desperate Dan who has tales of dodgy tour goings on with wrestlers and then have an enjoyable discussion of West Ham's worst ever signings. Fraser opts for Roberto, though we manage to brainstorm through John Radford, Mido, Benni McCarthy, David Kelly, Marco Boogers, Florin Raducioiu, Simone Zaza, Jonathan Calleri, Havard Nordtveit and a host of other disasters. But at least the ceiling stays up.

Wolves has now become a six-pointer for our stretched squad. We need a goal for Antonio and some form to return to our senior pros.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Fredericks 5 (Johnson 6), Dawson 8, Zouma 7, Cresswell 6; Soucek 4, Rice 5, Fornals 5, Benrahma 5 (Vlasic 6), Bowen 6; Antonio 5.

Toon take the points as Hammers flop

 West Ham 0 Newcastle United 2

At least the men did better than the women's side who lost 9-1 to Arsenal in front of 1000 fans. Luckily we were in Keswick so avoided seeing the game live. The Hammers had their chances, with Ogbonna's header coming off the bar and Fornals' deflected effort hitting the bar. Soucek also went close with a header, but ina goalless first half Wilson went close for the Toon and Andy Carroll, whoever he is, caused problems. 

The opening goal came from a cross when the ball was a little luckily deflected. Hendrick reacted quickest to nod it on and Callum Wilson poked home for a poacher's goal. Yarmolekno's shot was parried by the keeper and the Haller had a penalty appeal for handball. But it was all over when Newcastle broke for Hendrick to lash home.

West Ham lost to a side that has made four decent signIngs, two of whom scored, which says it all. We had a player who was like a new signing in Diangana but then sold him. Everyone else has strengthened and West Have stood still. It could be a long season.

Terrible Hammers torn apart by Toon

West Ham 2 Newcastle 3

After watching England lose to South Africa in the Rugby World Cup Final it's time to come to Stratford for another glorious defeat. In the Best Cafe Matt informs NIgel, Michael and myself that Noel Whelan is the only Premier League footballer whose name contains all the letters of the word Halloween. Not a lot of people know that. 

Then it's on to the London Stadium where we're joined by Fraser, Alison and Scott. Also with us is Michael, who is at his first game at the London Stadium as a birthday present from my daughter Lola. A lot of people ask if she really doesn't like him...

The first-half is numbingly bad. Zabaleta is horribly outpaced by the lively Saint-Maximin and his white bandana. Toon go ahead when Joelinton heads across the box and Clark outjumps the Hammers defence to head home after a disputed free kick given away by Diop. They go two up when a simple ball into the box finds Roberto rushing into no-man's land and Fernandez heading home. Roberto then has to make a good stop from a one-on-one with Saint-Maximin.The ball fizzes around our goal-line in another attack as Saint-Maximin and Almiron have efforts stopped by Roberto. Newcastle also hit the bar through Shelvey and a long-range effort from Satin-Maximin is turned round the post.

WE'RE SO BAD IT'S UNBELIEVABLE
West Ham haven't turned up for the first half. Yarmolenko has a terrible half and when he pulls out of a challenge rightly earns the ire of the crowd. Haller has a late flick saved by the keeper, and Balbuena's header from a corner sees another good stop from Dubravka. But it could be 5-0 at half-time in Newcastle had taken their chances. Nigel predicts that we're going down.

The appearance of Lanzini and Ajeti for Yarmolenko and Noble improves the Hammers very slightly in the second half, though not before Shelvey has scored with a free kick that Roberto should have saved. "We're bringing on a Yeti," quips Michael the Whovian, "But with West Ham there's no Great Intelligence." At 0-3 Fraser contemplates ordering another Burnley-style pitch invasion.

Bizarrely, the Hammers almost come back for an undeserved point as Balbuena pokes home from a flicked-on corner by Haller and then Snodgrass pulls back a second after a Lanzini cross and a fine shot from the edge of the area on 90 minutes. There's even a late cameo from Andy Carroll. But it's a very flattering scoreline. Anderson is at least brave enough to still want the ball, but continually tries to thread through passes that aren't on. When desperate we need to lump it long occasionally just to mix things up.

A FLATTERING SCORELINE
It's easily West Ham's worst performance of the season and questions have to be asked of Pellegrini, who was hired to get WHU into the top six. If this was Moyes or Allardyce the fans would already be giving the manager huge stick. 

We retreat to the Refreshment Rooms where at least Nigel and Matt win games of table tennis and Nigel, in his best Robin Trower tee-shirt, has a Y & T gig at the Islington Academy to look forward to. The ageing Zabaleta has eventually been subbed by Fredericks and has been a great pro, but has been so outpaced that you fear it's his last game for the club. Cresswell has looked way off the pace. Diop and Balbuena have been beaten by simple balls over the top and Roberto doesn't look good enough. The defence was clearly suspect last season, but Pellegrini has done nothing to address the problem.

The sales of Adrian and Hernandez now look counter-productive. Haller has done very little again, Yarmolenko has been poor, Noble has looked his age and the most damning thing has been the attitude, the lack of desire from the kick-off. When did a West Ham team last look solid? If the flair players aren't doing it then the side is horribly brittle. If we continue to play like this then West Ham are in for a relegation struggle.

PLAYER RATINGS: Roberto 4; Zabaleta 3 (Fredericks 5), Diop 4, Balbuena 5, Cresswell 3; Anderson 4, Rice 5, Noble 4 (Lanzini 5), Snodgrass 6; Yarmolenko 3 (Ajeti 4), Haller 4.

A victory for Billy Bonds' claret and blue army

West Ham 2 Newcastle United 0

At 5.15pm the East Stand is very nearly full for its renaming as the Billy Bonds Stand – and we have a free plastic bag on every seat. Her Indoors (Nicola) makes a rare appearance, along with Fraser, Matt and Lisa, Scott, Alison, returning after a lengthy injury lay-off and Steve the Cornish postie, who has travelled up the Salt Path for the match. 

We worry our players might be injured by some of the giant inflatables reading, "six foot two eyes of blue, Billy Bonds is after you!" A series of former players are introduced by Alvin Martin, including the likes of Brian Dear, Ken Brown, Pat Holland, Alan Taylor and Keith Robson, though it might be stretching it to call Allen McKnight a "West Ham great." Fraser wonders where Joey Beauchamp is. Trevor Brooking makes a short speech and then on comes Billy. 

BILLY BONDS IS AFTER YOU
The big screens show the great man in tears as he is overwhelmed by the display of emotion as the whole ground chants "Oh Billy Billy Billy, Billy Billy Billy Bonds!" Bonzo cuts the ribbon, and walks along the length of the stand pumping his fist. It's all surprisingly moving. Though someone does quip that Billy never used to cry on the pitch in the 1970s. 

Then arrives a very tardy Nigel. He's late as he dropped his lucky 1970s West Ham scarf in the streets of Kew and had to go back to retrieve it from a tree (not that there can be many WHU scarves in Kew). He's missed the appearance of Bonzo and in a triple disaster has also arrived too late to get a programme. Doh!

The renaming ceremony creates a vibrant atmosphere, possibly the best it's been at the London Stadium as the team kick off accompanied by Bubbles and our raised bags creating a giant tribute. The away fans regale Mike Ashley with a friendly chant of, "you fat cockney bastard, get out of our club!"

RICE IS RIGHT
Everyone wants to win it for Billy, and all goes to plan after seven minutes when an excellent inswinging corner from Snodgrass is headed home by Declan Rice, a young player with a hint of Billy Bonds about him. It's two when the Hammers are awarded a penalty after Hernandez controls Anderson's free kick in the box and is then brought down by Lejeune. Mark Noble does well to thump home the penalty after his first run-up is halted by the ref for encroachment. 

Mo Diame comes on for the Toon in the second half, and although they look a well-drilled side they remain defensive and hardly trouble Fabianski. Ogbonna has to make one excellent block and late on Rondon sends a free kick against the post. But the Hammers often threaten on the break with Anderson and Lanzini prominent, while sub Masuaku gets in some decent crosses. Late on sub Arnautovic finds Lanzini, who has an effort tipped away by Dubravka. 

The half is most noticeable for the rhythmic stamping and rousing chorus of "Billy Bonds' Claret and Blue Army!" It's only symbolic, but having a Billy Bonds Stand seems to have reunited the London Stadium. We wonder if he's left 15 minutes after the final whistle with a couple of cans of lager in his hand.

We have witnessed that most unusual of events — a routine West Ham home win. And on 39 points the Irons really are safe. We retreat to the Broadway to find the Refreshment Rooms closed for a private party (perhaps the club have organised a cockney knees-up for all those old stars?). 

So instead we drink at the Secret Weapon (or is it named Loaded?), after a hungry Nicola has first purchased a takeaway falafel from the Best Cafe which we sneak into the pub. Hipsters play board and video games, you can get a seat and it does a decent pint of Neck Oil. It might even be our best drinking option. We wonder how to get pub purists Michael and Nigel to adopt it — it's not the Central, but perhaps if the decor was themed more towards Tom Baker, Marc Almond and Iron Maiden it might help them shift their opinion. 

Meanwhile Matt reminisces about watching second division football in Uzbekistan, though this is trumped by the fact that both Nicola and myself have been to the Lawson Tama stadium in Honiara. We note Matt mentally planning his next mini-break to the Pacific.

It's been a good Saturday night and a fine tribute to a genuine West Ham hero. Billy Bonds might just have sorted it out.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Fredericks 6, Diop 7, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 6 (Masuaku 6); Anderson 7, Lanzini 7, Rice 8, Noble 7 (Obiang 6), Snodgrass 7; Hernandez 7 (Arnautovic 6).

Giving goals to Newcastle

West Ham 2 Newcastle 3

It's in to the Best Cafe with daughter Lola, where Scott and Joe are enjoying big breakfasts and Nigel is anticipating showing us the meridian line plaque by the Builders pub. Matt and Lisa are in a Cornish cottage (terrible planning by Lisa's family) while Michael's been to Ken's Cafe and Fraser is sporting a new Adam Faith haircut. 

West Ham get off to a great start as Saivet passes straight to Arnautovic. Arnie runs from the halfway line and expertly pokes past the keeper before giving a crossed hammers salute. We're up against a team that hasn't won for ten games. What could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot. Gavin's late after failing to buy a turkey in Wapping and has missed the goal. The Irons stat giving away dangerous free kicks and from the second Saivet curls home a great effort. Michael is convinced Adrian should have done better. 

The Toon then start slicing open West Ham's defence on the right. Gayle strikes the bar and then Ritchie curls a screamer against the post. We'e lucky to be level at half-time. We congregate by the loos and Michael muses on mortality as his birthday approaches.

The second half sees the side revert to earlier season defending. Atsu nutmegs Zabaleta and crosses for one Mo Diame to sweep home. At last Diame has the decency not to celebrate.

It looks like the Hammers will equalise after gaining a penalty when Antonio is fouled on the line of the penalty area. Ayew never looks confident and Elliot makes a comfortable save. We then really revert to Bilic mode, conceding from our own corner. Masuaku hesitates and Zabaleta can't retrieve the situation. Newcastle break at speed and Atsu prods home.

The Hammers launch it at sub Andy Carroll. There's some hope as Andy gets his head on a corner and Ayew pokes in after Elliot's save. Lola sends a message for Luke Skywalker but he says all hope is gone. The Newcastle Empire holds out against much huffing and puffing and it's a very poor home defeat. 

All rather mystifying as we'd looked so secure defensively of late. We've badly missed Lanzini and also Noble's influence in midfield. The Irons have to improve against Bournemouth. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 5; Zabaleta 5, Reid 5, Ogbonna 5, Cresswell 5; Obiang 5, Kouyate 5, Ayew 5 (Hernandez 5), Masuaku 6; Anautovic 7, Antonio 6 (Carroll 6).

Payet day for Hammers as Newcastle fail to park bus

West Ham 2 Newcastle 0

It’s a convoluted journey to Upton Park. The Barking Metropolitan line suddenly becomes a Circle line train at Liverpool Street following a “passenger incident at Upton Park”. So it’s onto the packed Central, Jubilee and District lines as my daughter Nell and I fear missing the deadline for dinner at Ken’s Café.

The Newcastle players have also had trouble parking the bus. They’ve had to walk the last mile to the stadium, meaning they now know how we felt during that season when Upton Park station seemed permanently closed. Still, at least they had time to get a programme and some last-minute burgers from Green Street. Though they’re not as late as Nigel who arrives 43 minutes into the game.

In Ken’s Café we find Lisa, dutifully waiting with a ticket for The Gav. Michael the Whovian is absent watching Benedict Cumberbatch in some play called Hamlet, presumably from seat 2B. Carol does her usual efficient job, serving Nell fortifying sausage, egg chips and beans before kick-off. Gavin arrives five minutes before kick-off after problems on the A13.    

We meet Fraser in the East Stand, I place my daughter in my seat and take her kids for a quid seat in Row R at the very back of the stand. Never sat here before and it’s intriguing to find that I’m next to a metal stanchion, you can’t see the clock and the back of our stand is a thin sheet of corrugated iron (or maybe corrugated Irons?). The OS should be sturdier, but it’s also nostalgic to think that people sat here watching Moore, Peters and Hurst in the 1960s.

HE LEFT ’COS YOU'RE S••T!

Victor Moses gets a debut in place of Obiang and looks instantly dangerous wide on the left. We take the lead on nine minutes with a great goal. Sakho finds Noble with a backheel and the new skipper rolls the ball into the path of Dimitri Payet. The Reunion man sidefoots a great finish into the top corner. "How s**t must you be we're winning at home!" chant the Upton Park crowd.

We play pretty well in the first half; Payet brings gasps of admiration from the crowd for some audacious pieces of skill and Kouyate dominates the midfield. Newcastle have a good chance when Janmaat gets through but Randolph makes a good save with his legs.

MOSES PARTS BLACK AND WHITE SEA

James Tomkins has deservedly kept his place and at one point plays a great pass out to the wing for Victor Moses. Even the departure of the injured Ogbonna doesn’t affect the Hammers too much, as Jenkinson comes on and Tomka reverts to centre back. The appearance of Andy Carroll on the touchline chants a rousing chorus of, “He left ’cos you’re shit!” at the Newcastle fans. Then Moses fires into the side netting after a Payet-inspired break.

I manage to find a spare seat next to Fraser for the second half. The game is effectively over when a Newcastle free kick breaks down and Moses shows great pace to run from his own half and part the black and white sea. He cuts inside a defender and fires against the bar, but Payet is on hand to volley home with a finish that was more difficult than he made it look. He celebrates by sucking his thumb, as you do. "We'll miss him when he's gone in January," suggests the fan next to me, hopefully joking. 

GOING DOWN WITH THE CHELSEA 

West Ham play with pace and verve for the rest of the half with Sakho, Payet and Moses combining well and a number of crosses causing consternation in the box. “We’re West Ham United we play on the floor!” chants a disbelieving Bobby Moore Stand in a jibe at a certain manager past. And then it’s, “You’re going down with the Chelsea!” aimed at the Geordies.

Three substitutions spark a small Newcastle revival and Randolph saves low from Janmaat and makes another good tip over from a deflected de Jong shot. It’s been an extraordinary week; first Jeremy Corbyn gets elected Labour leader and then Andy Carroll is seen on a football pitch. With two minutes to go Big Andy comes on. He manages to risk both injury and a booking with a charge into Krul but thankfully survives intact.

We’ve finally won at home and it’s a very promising performance. “They’ve got a long journey home,” remarks someone as we walk by the Newcastle coaches. “Who do they come so far to watch their team lose?” asks 14-year-old Nell. “She hasn’t been watching us long,” chuckles a fan next to me, remembering our previous home games. But for once we’ve won fairly comfortably at Upton Park. Slaven has beaten the Wally with the Brolly again, we’re playing good football and we’re up to fifth. Now we just have to win at Man City.

PLAYER RATINGS: Randolph 7; Tomkins 7, Reid 7, Ogbonna 6 (Jenkinson 6), Cresswell 6; Lanzini 6 (Obiang 6), Noble 6, Kouyate 7, Payet 9, Moses 8 (Carroll n/a); Sakho 7

All's well that ends Cresswell

West Ham 1 Newcastle 0

In Ken’s Café Matt’s been on the night shift and is being revived by cheesy chips. Michael the Whovian is discussing Braintree trivia over fried bread, bacon and mushrooms, while Jo dispenses her wisdom about the daily papers. Nigel arrives late for his takeaway tea, fresh from a Procul Harum gig.

Within the East Stand we take a selfie for two Dutch fans from Delph, as Mark Noble receives massive applause for breaking West Ham’s Premier League appearance record.

Strangely, Big Sam has preferred Jarvis to Zarate. It’s a pretty dire first half. Perez twists past Collins to fire wide after three minutes and later flicks a shot wide. Downing has one tame shot saved and that’s it; neither goalkeeper is forced to make a proper save. Nigel starts to turn a whiter shade of pale as Fraser, fresh from his creative writing course, ponders on how to turn this dire material into a thriller.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE LIKELY LAD?

“You’re not Geordie anymore!” the away fans sing at Andy Carroll.

“Andy Carroll — he left ’cos you’re shit!” suggest the Irons’ aficionados.

Tomkins makes one great tackle and our back line looks solid but that’s about it. Carroll gets a couple of decent flicks in, but Downing doesn’t look fully fit yet, Amalfitano has a poor game and Jarvis fails to get crosses in as both sides cancel each other out. We really miss Song in midfield and Valencia and Sakho running down the channels. The most exciting event of the first half is the announcement that Mr Moon is in the stadium.

At half-time we’re reduced to talking about our holidays. Matt announces that he’s taking a trip to the Galapagos Islands, as Nigel asks, “Do they play turtle football there?”

The second half begins with Cresswell blazing wildly over from 30 yards as Downing and Carroll await a pass.

“What did he do that for?” asks Matt.

”It’s not as if he’s got any sort of goalscoring record…” suggests Mystic May.

AARON IN THE SOUL

The game looks to be meandering towards a goalless draw as Kouyate swipes at a shot from the edge of the box on 56 minutes. He mishits the ball hopelessly, but it drifts through to Aaron Cresswell, who has continued his run, and the left-back expertly pokes past Elliot. The full-back peels away in front of the Bobby Moore Stand as the ground (and Mr Moon) erupts in relief.

“Always said he’d come good,” says Matt.

“Never in doubt!” I agree.

The half livens up. Newcastle bring on Cisse and Cabella, only for Sissoko to be sent off for first kicking the ball away and then kicking Andy Carroll. It’s always difficult to play against ten men…

Zarate arrives after 70 minutes and holds the ball up well in the box only to be let down by a lack of support. Then he fires in a stinging shot that Elliot does well to parry.

Collins and Tomkins stay strong at the back as the Vicar’s Son gets very irate as we don’t sub a visibly tiring Andy Carroll and our corners turn into Newcastle breaks.

Zarate almost breaks for the third but is let down by a lack of pace. But we hold on to grind out a very welcome three points. I forgo the Central to go on a Jack the Ripper Tour at Aldgate with Her Indoors, and at times it’s been murder today. Not the sort of good football we’ve been used to this season. but a different sort of character was needed today and we’ve stopped the Geordies’ run of six successive wins. More of the same required against West Brom and Swansea now.

Adrian 5; Jenkinson 6, Collins 7 Tomkins 7, Cresswell 7; Kouyate 6 (Nolan 5), Noble 6, Amalfitano 5, Jarvis 4 (Zarate 6), Downing 5; Carroll 5.