Tottenham Hotspur: It's happened again!

Tottenham 1 West Ham 2 (two)

It's another nervous afternoon listening to El Sackico on Radio 5. Nuno plays two up top in an attacking line-up and Paqueta is still absent with a back problem and a does of transferitis. 

Tel volleys over for Spurs early on but West Ham start to create chances on the break. A cross from Wan-Bissaka is headed back by Jimmy Summerville to Castellanos, who is unlucky with a volley just over the bar.

Astonishingly West Ham take the lead after 15 minutes. Bowen is clattered by Davies but the ref waves play on and a nice move sees Castellanos, Pablo, and Fernandes feed Summerville on the edge of the box. He cuts inside a couple of defenders and sees his shot deflect past Vicario off a Spurs leg. The winger runs to celebrate with Nuno. That's two in two for Jimmy and he's starting to look confident again. If you don't shoot you don't score.

Areola has to spread himself to make a fine double save from Odobert and Tel but West Ham don't sit back. Bowen breaks and instead of shooting passes to Pablo who miscontrols the ball. The Greek Bloke flicks on a corner and Taty heads over the bar when he should score.

West Ham are everything they were not at Wolves. Todibo is fast at the back, we're competing for tackles and Summerville is doing a great job bringing the side forward at speed. From a free kick Soucek heads across the box to the Greek Bloke whose goalbound header is clawed away by Vicario.

It's the hope I can't take is my thought at half-time as Spurs are booed off. Romero makes a great tackle to deny Summerville and after that Spurs improve. Areola has to tip over from sub Bissouma. Porro swings over a very inviting cross and Romero gets ahead of AWB to power home a header. As ever WHU can't keep a lead.

This is surely where West Ham crumble at the end. There's a ridiculous VAR scare as the ball brushes Scarles' fingertips, but it is sensibly overruled. On 89 minutes Areola has to make a smart save to turn away a drive from Simons.

IT ALL GOES SPURSY

Nuno brings on Callum Wilson after 91 minutes. AWB crosses and with his first touch Callum fires in a shot that is blocked for a corner in the 93rd minute. It's a congested six-yard area as Soucek and the Greek Bloke cause a bit of chaos, Vicario tries and fails to hail a taxi and Wilson pokes over the line from close range. The West Ham end goes barmy and not even VAR can deny us. Blimey. We're winning away. And we surely need to keep Wilson as he's a natural goal-poacher, it would be folly to let him go to a relegation rival.

Both sets of fans join in a chorus of, "You're getting sacked in the morning!" as Thomas Frank looks stunned. Dr Tottenham has done it again. On WhatsApp Matt and Lisa are claiming the victory as a reward for their honesty returning an expensive iPhone to its owner after finding it near Highgate Wood.

We're still in deep trouble but this is West Ham's first win in 11 league matches and gives us some hope. Encouragingly this smelt like team spirit. Irons!

West Ham get battered as Mo sees Red

Tottenham 4 West Ham 1

It's down the Tottenham High Road in the rain to meet Nigel outside the Number 8 pub for our foray into Spurs country. What could possibly go wrong against a team that lost a two-goal lead last time out?

It's all Spurs early on but the Hammers defend fairly well with Rodriguez mopping up in front of the back four. Mo Kudus forces the first save of the game, as Vicario parries his effort. On 18 minutes it gets better as the Hammers have a spell of pressure, Bowen gets away down the right and crosses for Kudus to stroke home. Is it going to happen again?

Spurs force a series of corners, and Son dances though the defence trying to win a penalty.  Unfortunately the pressure tells before the break as the impressive Kulusevski wriggles through to shoot and surprises Areola, the ball deflecting off both post posts and over the line. Still, 1-1 at half-time isn't too bad and Nigel has his lucky banana out. 

Then comes an eight minute collapse. Just as Mystic Morris is saying that if we defend deep all game a deflection could go in or we concede a penalty. Son feeds Udogie who pulls back for Bissouma to fire through the legs of Kilman and past an unsighted Areola. Three minutes later Paqueta loses possession, Spurs break and Areola parries Son's rather tame shot. The ball unluckily deflects off the keeper and on to Todibo and back on to the Fonz and over the line for a comedy own goal.

Kudus gets a shot away at Vicario at 3-1 but soon we're 4-1 down. The Irons are caught too far upfield, Todibo is left all alone against Son and The Tottenham man, although forced wide, fires a shot past Areola at his near post. The keeper shouldn't have been beaten by that one.

The subs arrive but the game has gone. Son hits the post as Spurs almost make it 5-1.West Ham have a claim for a handball penalty turned down when Emerson crosses and Kudus's shot is cleared off the line. Werner mercifully heads a great chance over. 

"West Ham United you'll always be shit!" sing the gleeful home fans, followed by "West Ham get battered!" and "Is there a fire drill?" They also seem to think we have some travellers among our fans.

To compound it all Kudus, our best player, gets involved in a tussle with Van de Ven, seems to stamp on him and then raises his hand into his face. In the melee Kudus then punches Sarr as well. Richarlison has been accidentally hit and goes down as if shot by the Grealish sniper.

The ref only gives a yellow to Kudus, but VAR intervenes and it's an inevitable red card. It's the result of frustration but an act of sheer stupidity on Mo's part. He'll be suspended for three games at least and maybe longer after two red card offences.

All those fans who phoned TalkSport demanding Moyes be sacked are looking a bit silly. The jury is out on Lopetegui (and Steiden's signings) and he needs to act decisively. Paqueta hasn't been the same player since the FA charges and should surely be rested. We need to get Fullkrug fit as Antonio has toiled against the speedy Van de Ven and Loppy should give Summerville a run in the absence of Kudus. Alvarez needs to return. While Nigel suggests there's also a case for bringing back Fabianski.

The only person who's happy is my daughter Nell's Spurs-supporting friend Aaron whose £1 bet on Paqueta getting booked, Son scoring and Johnson getting a shot on target has yielded £6. "We'll be looking over our shoulder for the rest of the season." declares a disconsolate Nigel as we trudge back to Seven Sisters tube. Spurs are a top six side and played well but we shouldn't have thrown the game away like this. The Irons have to do better against Man United next week.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 4; Wan-Bissaka 5, Kilman 5, Todibo 5, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 6 (Mavropanos 6), Soucek 5 (Soler 5), Paqueta 4 (Alvarez 5); Bowen 7, Kudus 6; Antonio 5 (Summerville 6).

It's happened again...

Tottenham Hotspur 1 West Ham 2 

The Number 8 pub is heaving with Spurs fans before the game where we drink N17 and have to listen to choruses of "When the Spurs go marching in." 

Agents Nigel and myself are among the Spurs fans behind the goal thanks to Nigel's mate Andy, both having had to borrow non-claret hats from our wives. Though Nigel is wearing his lucky West Ham socks.

It's my first visit to Spurs new stadium, which is indeed impressive, though it could do with a running track. Fabianski is in for the injured Areola and Zouma is back for the Hammers. Matt and Lisa are in Marseille on a mini-break and watching Match of Ze Day in the British Lounge Pub.

The first half is one-way traffic as Spurs' free-flowing football puts West Ham under endless pressure. After 11 minutes Romero gets between two defenders to score with a looping header from a corner. It looks like being a long evening. Johnson is causing problems for Coufal, though from our position we get to appreciate the work Alvarez does intercepting danger and shielding the defence. 

Fabianski has to tip over a rasping shot from Lo Celso and then Zouma turns Johnson's cross on to the outside of his post. Johnson fires rather tamely at Fabianski when through on the left but Spurs don't really create that many clear-cut chances

There's a brief flurry from West Ham before the break as Kudus gets in a great cross that Paqueta, in lots of space, heads wide of the post. In the concourse we anticipate a miserable walk back along Tottenham High Road after the game though Andy says that at one-nil anything could still happen.

West Ham start the second half with much more intensity coming forward. Seven minutes into the half Bowen does well to shield the ball from two defenders and find Kudus. Mo's shot ricochets off two defenders and into the path of Bowen who has run into the box. Jarrod lifts it past the keeper and runs to the joyous away fans. Nigel has to restrain himself in our Spurs seats. That was the bit of luck we needed. 

"Champions of Europe, you'll never sing that!" sing the West Ham fans."F**king West Ham muppets with their Johnstone Paint trophy!" mutters the Spurs fan behind me.

At 1-1 Spurs sub Richarlison heads a good chance wide and Porro forces a good save from Fabianski. But Moyes' rope-a-dope tactics pay off. Spurs look to have punched themselves out and there are spaces behind Spurs high-line defence. A good passing move ends with Paqueta shooting rather tamely at the keeper.

On 74 minutes Udogie plays a blind back-pass to Vicario. Bowen has anticipated it and the keeper can only punch out to James Ward-Prowse. His first shot hits the post but James follows up for a tap-in as the offside Bowen runs out of the way. Prowsey runs to the away fans and does his golf shot celebration. Blimey. It's Cavaliers 1 Roundheads 2. It's all gone very Spursy indeed.

"It's happened again!" announce the gleeful Irons fans. There's a nervy 20 minutes to get through but the five subs Postecoglou throws on make little difference, On 89 minutes West Ham force a corner and Vicario has to claw Soucek's header off the line. Extra time is tense as VAR checks for a possible Zouma handball but that's Spurs only real chance. There seems to be a fire drill to judge by the empty seats around us. 

The lads dig in for a great smash and grab away win. There's dancing in the pubs of Marseille. Nigel even predicts that we're staying up. And it's a much happier walk along Tottenham High Road in the wet than we anticipated. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 6. Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6; Alvarez 7, Ward-Prowse 8, Soucek 6, Paqueta 6; Kudus 7 (Fornals n/a), Bowen 8.

Defensive Hammers come unstuck at Spurs

Tottenham 2 West Ham 0

Another miserable afternoon in front of Sky for this one, though Agent Nigel has infiltrated the home fans with his 'lucky' banana. It's a strange defensive line-up with the limited Flynn Downes in midfield alongside Rice and Soucek. Surely Fornals or Benrahma would have offered more going forward? Playing for a goalless draw is far too unambitious against  side that has lost its goalkeeper, best defender and manager.

The Irons start well, with Soucek playing in Bowen for a volley wide in the first minute. The Hammers force a few corners but still look unthreatening from set-pieces, while Spurs have a penalty appeal waved away after the falling Kehrer touches the ball with his hand.The Hammers frustrate Spurs in a dull first half and the only real action is a late shot from Richarlison that Fabianski saves with his legs.

After the break Spurs come out with greater purpose. Mistakes from Aguerd and Rice present chances to Richarlison and Kane. The breakthrough comes when Hojbjerg plays a through ball to to Davies which dissects Coufal and Ogbonna too easily. One full-back lays it off to the other, Emerson Royal, who calmly side-foots home.The Hammers have an instant chance to equalise as Antonio's knock-on finds Bowen who fires against the feet of Forster.

The game is effectively over when Kane manages to find a little space after a tussle with Ogbonna and plays in substitute Son, who scores with another calm finish after getting beyond Coufal and Kehrer. Moyes waits too long to bring on Benrahma and Ings and later Fornals and Johnson and the Irons never really look like getting a goal back as the Spurs fans sing, "West Ham get battered..." Bowen does well on the right to set up Benrahma who shoots way wide.

It's not a terrible performance, but it was as the Guardian put it "doggedly mediocre." We need to win some away games and we're not going to do that set up to take a point.The Irons need Zouma and Paqueta fit, Scamacca back firing and to give Ings a chance. Now Nottingham Forest on Saturday becomes yet another must-win game.

Hammers unlucky to lose at Spurs

Tottenham 2 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

A game of football is actually played during the strange omicron hiatus while we wait for Boris to make a decision that will satisfy his back-benchers. Again it's a Sky game on my laptop, just like in lockdown days.

Kane tests Areola early on but it's an even first 30 minutes until Spurs take the lead. Hojbjerg isn't tracked as he runs on to Bergwijn's pass and crosses for Bergwijn to stroke home.

The response from West Ham is excellent. Vlasic is having a much better game and crosses for Soucek to head towards the top of the net only for Lloris to make a fine tipover. Then a good tackle from Harrison Ashby allows Vlasic to get in another cross for another Soucek header that is again excellently tipped away by Lloris. 

Dawson misses with a free header from a corner, but the equaliser eventually comes. Dier, who is not on fire, messes up a short goal kick from Lloris, Vlasic mishits a shot which turns into a pass, Bowen controls and pulls back, baffling Dier, and strokes it into the net. 1-1. Is it happening again?

All that good work is ruined by conceding another sloppy goal two minutes later. Bergwijn bursts past Lanzini and Masuaku on the right, fires in a cross in and Lucas Moura gets ahead of Johnson to score. Areola should maybe have done better too.

There's still time before the break for Lanzini to play in a fine cross that sees Soucek denied by a last-ditch intervention from Skipp.

West Ham have most of the second half. The TV commentary insists that it's brilliant game management by Spurs, rather than West Ham pushing them back. Bowen heads wide from a Masuaku cross and is then denied by a desperate race from his line by Lloris. Benrahma comes on and looks up for it, volleying just wide of the post. 

Can we make it penalties? A great surge from Rice in added time sees the ball go across the Spurs area and reach sub Yarmolenko. His shot is deflected off a defender on to the top of the bar. Areola comes up for the resulting corner, and actually gets a touch, but it's all too late.

We've gone out of the Carabao Cup but it's been a much better performance. And this was without the first choice back four of Coufal, Ogbonna, Zouma and Cresswell and the self-isolating Antonio. WHU still struggle to create against teams that sit back, but we gave it a real go here. 

Plenty of positives: Johnson returned, Ashby got some experience, Dawson was solid, Vlasic had a fine first half, Benrahma looked dangerous and Bowen scored a great goal. We can of course now concentrate on the Europa League, the FA Cup and making the top six. But we do need a win against Southampton to get back on track. Irons!

It's happened again… First win at the new Lane!

Tottenham 0 West Ham 1

They must be serving dodgy lasagne at Spurs' new ground… it's in to the World's End with Matt and Lisa to watch this at 12.30 over a stiff Americano. From the outset Spurs look a little jaded and West Ham play confidently. Rice shoots just over and Son has an effort saved by Fabianski at the other end. The Hammers really should go ahead when Anderson breaks down the left but shoots rather than crosses. Moura goes close but the restored Diop is also having a very solid game in the middle of the back four.

We're happy with nil-nil at half-time and celebrate with another coffee. Crucially Arnautovic looks more like the player he used to be after the break. A good pull back sees a Fredericks shot blocked. Then out on the left Arnie chips in a brilliant ball over the head of a Spurs defender to Antonio. Instead of shooting wildly over Michail chests it and finishes brilliantly sending a volley into the roof of the net. The away end erupts and Michail does one his silly and slightly risque celebrations, a tribute to Dan Rue who is some kind of dodgy dancer on Instagram. Matt suggests that other teams will soon be letting Antonio score just to see how he celebrates.

ONE CARPET IN LONDON!
Suddenly all that timey-wimey stuff goes strange and every minute seems to last a millennium. All that coffee isn't slowing our heart rates either. Spurs press but the Hammers are always threatening on the break. Arnautovic sends a curler into the arms of Lloris and Antonio speeds through the defence only for Lloris to save with his leg. Diop makes a sensational charge from the back through a parting defence and his poked effort is tipped wide. 

Fredericks has to make a great block to deny Ben Davies. The arrival of Janssen surely heralds a Tottenham equaliser as he hasn't scored in centuries. But deep in added time The General clears his header off the line. 

The whistle blows and Spurs have suffered their first defeat at their new soulless corporate and carpetless bowl. Matt's so excited he leaves his glasses in the pub. What an unexpected bonus and a great start to the day. Irons!

A tale of two stadiums

Interesting piece in tonight's Evening Standard comparing West Ham and Tottenham's stadiums. It looks back at when both teams were vying for the London Stadium. 

Spurs' plan was to demolish two thirds of the stadium, presumably keeping the Billy Bonds Stand, and rebuilding the rest as a dedicated football ground. They estimated this would cost £250m, though with hindsight it might have been closer to the £1 billion they spent on White Hart Lane. Spurs have been left £600m in debt by their new stadium. So West Ham's move to Stratford for £2.5 pa rent makes economic if not emotional sense. 

The London Stadium is probably still a few rows of seats away from being a proper stadium. But squaring the ends off would certainly help and ultimately you could envisage a rich new owner buying the place and knocking down at least one side to bring it closer to the pitch. 

Still, it would have been nice to see Tottenham's new stadium had I got through the Kafkaesque ballot process of applying for a ticket. But one thing Spurs don't have is a claret carpet. How could Mr Levy have forgotten to include this? Let's hope we're the first team to win there tomorrow.

Obiang's rocket wins point at Spurs

Tottenham Hotspur 1 West Ham United 1

Another two days, another game… It's off to the World's End to watch this one over a pint of Camden Pale Ale. The first half is a solid defensive performance with Kane restricted to one shot that Adrian does well to tip away and the defence blocking everything Spurs can throw at them. Adrian also  has to make a great tip-over from Eriksen's deflected shot.

Ogbonna is absolutely immense throughout the game and young Declan Rice also plays really well against top class forwards. West Ham show very little going forwards though, with Hernandez looking unsuited to paying the lone striker role and Lanzini invariably getting clattered whenever he receives the ball. 

The second half goes the same way with West Ham's defence frustrating Spurs' attack. That's until the 70th minute when in a rare Hammers attack Obiang drifts in from the left. Almost in despair at the lack of options in front of him, Pedro drives forward and unleashes a mighty shot that rockets into the top corner giving Lloris no chance. It's happened again! 

For 14 minutes we can dream of another Irons victory at Spurs as Kouyate fails to connect with a great headed opportunity. That's until Son picks up the ball 30 yards from goal. The otherwise excellent Noble can't get close enough to him but normally you don't mind frustrated teams having long-shots. Only Son unleashes another worldie which whistles into Adrian's net.

After great work from King Arthur sub Ayew then almost gets a second as Lloris saves his effort with his foot. The four minutes of added time sees a rally gritty defensive performance from the Hammers as Spurs seem to have about seventy shots blocked in the box. But the Hammers hold out and although as Moyes says, the side are still "a million miles from the way I want us to play" and it's not the West Ham Way, it's a great point two days after the West Brom game. 

We used to get thrashed by the top six. Getting results against Chelsea, Arsenal and now Spurs represents progress. Irons!

Tottenham Hotspur… it's happened again!

Tottenham 2 West Ham 3 (Carabao Cup)

Hearing the half-time score during the interval at the Ian Dury musical at the Stratford Theatre Royal it was hard to find many Reasons To Be Cheerful. Yet as we leave the play Matt texts to say that he never doubted Captain Bilic for a minute. Knock me down with a feather, it's almost like Clever Trevor Brooking has returned and we've beaten Spurs' Blockheads 3-2.

West Ham's midfield failed to track Sissoko for the first and Alli's second took a bit of a lucky deflection off Rice's head. Adrian had to produce a great save to deny Alli's header and Spurs were cruising at the break. Who knows what Bilic said at half-time? It was almost like the players felt things could't get any worse, they finally got angry and decided to give it a right go. 

OGGY OGGY OGGY!

Suddenly Ayew started to look like a striker, poaching a goal after a stinging shot from Fernandes was parried. The equaliser was a great move, Carroll found Lanzini with a precision header and Manuel controlled in an instant to play in Ayew who swept home from the six-yard line. And then incredibly Ogbonna rose above a static Spurs defence to head home a corner. Three goals in 15 minutes. As Ian Dury might put it, "Oi! Oi!"

The Irons hold on for a memorable victory as Spurs play like they have eaten a dodgy lsagna at half-time. Full-Time Matt's verdict is that the whole team bar Adrian and Lanzini played poorly in the first half but, "all were fantastic in the second half, especially Ayew, Lanzini, Cheikhou and Cressy. Noble put in a real captain's performance after he was fired up by some handbags with Dele Alli." Strangely Matt then celebrated not with Sex and Drugs and Rock'n'Roll but a nice cup of herbal tea.

AYEW SERIOUS?

Of course it could all go wrong again if WHU get tonked at Palace and we have to remember that there was no Kane for the Harry Kane Team, but it's a huge win that will really improve confidence. Bilic should stick with some of these players. The likes of Ayew, Noble, Cresswell, Ogbonna, Adrian and Fernandes must now all think they have a strong case for starting at Selhurst Park. 

One final note: with an attendance of just 36,000 surely Spurs could have given West Ham more than 5000 tickets? What a Waste…

Heartbreak at the Lane

Tottenham 3 West Ham 2

Another defeat snatched from the jaws of victory. At least I didn’t have to watch this live as Her Indoors had booked us tickets for Giselle at Sadler’s Wells — though I was hoping for some working class ballet at White Hart Lane.

Adrian’s dropped and Sakho plays up front with Ayew. Seems like West Ham play pretty well for most of the game, taking the lead through Antonio who reacts well to head in after Kouyate’s header hits the bar and Reid crosses back in to the box. Randolph makes a decent save from Janssen only to deflect the ball into the path of Winks for a second-half Spurs equaliser. But it looks like West Ham have won the game after the ref gives a penalty for pulling by Janssen on Reid and Lanzini calmly slots home.

A key moment in the game is when sub Zaza shows good skill to beat his man on the counter attack but then delays too long in passing to the unmarked Payet. It’s still 2-1 with a minute to go, but the introduction of Son for Spurs changes the game. The winger beats Antonio and crosses, with Randolph palming the ball out to Kane who can’t miss. Now is the time to respect the point. But two minutes later Son gets through on the left again and sub Nordtveit foolishly goes to ground to make a tackle and his trailing leg catches the Spurs man, who makes the most of it and persuades the ref to point to the spot. Kane converts as expected.

There’s still time for the outstanding Winston Reid to get sent off for two silly bookable offences, though at least he’s showing passion. A sickening result and we’re now really in a relegation struggle, even if there was some promise in the overall performance. I'm now tempted to give up football for ballet as at least you sometimes get to see a tutu.

It hasn't happened again…

Foolish pre-match optimism before we meet our Waterloo

Tottenham 4 West Ham 1

It's off to the not-quite-so-lucky pub, The Hole In The Wall at Waterloo, for this one. Fraser and Gavin in flat caps, Matt, Lisa, and Nigel are all present. There's a fine selection of real ales at the bar and the Gold Rush and TEA are both splendid compared to the Central's beers. Matt, Nigel and The Gav reminisce about Hatfield band Babe Ruth, as featured on BBC4's Rock of the Seventies. Nigel's been to see Everton versus Aston Villa yesterday and Matt and Lisa have watched the WHU kids at Little Heath. The only problem is that we now have to watch a football match with West Ham Seniors.

Eriksen forces a good save from Adrian but it's fairly even early on, with West Ham forcing a few corners, until Spurs get their first after 23 minutes. There's a goalmouth melee and Harry Kane spins past Jenkinson too easily and fires into the roof of the net. It gets worse ten minutes later when Alderweireld loses Reid at a corner. Winston bumps into Sakho, Andy Carroll can't halt him either and the Spurs centre back heads number two. West Ham do hit the bar, with an acrobatic overhead kick from Kouyate, even though the ref should have flagged for offside. Matt insists he would have scored that one — at least in his dreams.

Alli heads against the bar and Kane slices wide when he should score while an Andy Carroll header is easily fielded by Lloris. Half-time arrives with much depression as The Gav and Fraser head outside for a cigar break. Scott Parker is on the TV and I suggest he'll be our man of the match again. The game's over after 50 minutes. Adrian plays a dangerous short ball out to Tomkins and James then passes straight to Eriksen. He finds Harry Kane who shoots home through Adrian. "I'll settle for a point now," suggests Nigel. And so much for Kane's goal drought. We just can't cope with Spurs' high pressing.

I JUST DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND…
We're really missing Payet and as Bilic has said he's been making the other players around him raise their game too. It's hard to find anyone who's played well. The only plus is a late appearance from Alex Song. It's four when Walker pokes home after 83 minutes as Reid is again slow to sense the danger and Cresswell has left too much space on the left. Spurs then hit the post and we're just keeping the score down.

"Jelavic will never score for us… What is Jelavic going to do with that?" opines Mystic Matt as the late sub finds Lanzini with a fine through ball and Manuel shoots into the top of the net. A consolation at least, as Matt is ribbed by all the TEA drinkers.

We're left to rue a very poor performance against a Spurs side that is going really well and hasn't lost since the first day of the season. Our party wonder why Payet was allowed to play on against Everton (did it make the injury worse?) and reminisce about great West Ham injuries (Ashton, Dyer, etc). We quiz Fraser on his least favourite bosses, who turn out to be Pulis, Allardyce and Warnock. No-one can answer Matt's trivia question about who was the Spurs and England forward who signed for West Ham in the Championship. Turns out it was David Bentley.

West Brom now becomes a must-win game again and we have to get over the loss of Payet quickly. It's hard to believe the whole side will play as badly again next week, we hope.

It almost happened again…

Tottenham Hotspur 2 West Ham United 2

It’s an early meeting at Finsbury Park with Nigel (who was planning to arrive for a 12.45 kick-off), Fraser and Lisa for a tube to Seven Sisters and a packed overground train to White Hart Lane. We can do without some of the songs from the West Ham fans though.

There’s a better atmosphere in the away end, as some Italian Hammers unfurl a flag in the Upper Tier. It looks like we’ll do well to hold out in the first ten minutes as Bentaleb has two shots saved and Harry Kane gets behind Tomkins to prod the ball against the post. But the Hammers come into it more as Noble and Kouyate impose themselves in midfield, Valencia causes problems out wide and we win a couple of corners.

ONE-NIL TO THE COCKNEY BOYS

We take the lead on 22 minutes as Dembele loses possession, Creswell gets away down the left and crosses from the goalline for Cheikh Kouyate to thump home an emphatic header. Suddenly we have lots of new friends, as there’s a bout of mass hugging and crowd surfing as the South Stand turns into a moshpit. Goals in the East Stand are never greeted like this. Reid and Tomkins stand firm for the rest of the half and Noble is immense sweeping up in front of the defence. It all looks good as we watch a still squeaky-voiced Paul Allen interviewed on the big screen at half-time.

DIAFRA SAKHO — HE SCORES WHEN HE WANTS!  

West Ham have a great spell for 20 at the start of the second half as Song dominates and we pass the ball across the midfield and Spurs look jaded after their Europa League game. Sakho gets through on the right but is thwarted by Llloris when he should probably score.

Then, on 62 minutes, the hard working Sakho gets in a cross from the right that flashes across the box. Noble retrieves it on the edge of the box and plays the ball back in, over Valencia and into the path of Sakho at the back post who scores with a great rising finish. Cue more mayhem. “It’s happening again!” rings around the away end. Followed by “My Name is Ludek Miklosko…”, “Oh Christian Dailly you are the Love of my Life!” and Twist and Shout. We almost make it three when Lloris saves from Valencia. "Can we play you every week?" request the Hammers' fans.

MARK NOBLE — HE'S ONE OF OUR OWN 

Then comes a very strange substitution. Noble has been booked for shirt-pulling and been close to getting sent-off for a second bookable offence, but it still seems be very risky to take him off after 68 minutes and replace him with Carlton Cole. Nolan is injured and Amalfitano is suspended, so we have no midfielders to replace him with. Perhaps Big Sam is worried about a red card for Nobes, but surely this a risk worth taking for anther ten minutes at least. Now we’ve got three strikers up when for once we want Allardyce to be more defensive. Jarvis for Valencia after 75 minutes doesn’t add much to the team either.

It’s been a great performance after West Brom, but there’s a warning when Kane has a goal disallowed for offside and Adrian makes a good save from an Eriksen free kick. Spurs then pull a fluky goal back after 81 minutes as Adrian punches away and on the edge of the box Danny Rose mishits his shot into the ground causing it to bobble up table football style and bounce into the top corner. Bugger.

The minutes start to go very slowly. Winston Reid is heroic and we agree with Lisa’s verdict that we should offer him whatever money he wants. Adrian pulls off a fantastic save. Carlton Cole pulls a hamstring and is replaced by James Collins with three minutes left. This is worrying. It’s five added minutes of time. Fraser has ice in his veins and looks cool. One last push Hammers for another famous victory.

HOW MUCH LONGER? 

Nigel starts to count down the added time. He’s just got to “20 seconds left” when, on Oscars day, Harry Kane falls in the box like he’s been hit by an American Sniper under a challenge from Alex Song. Silly of Song to have gone in though, as it wasn't a scoring situation. Referee Jonathan Moss points straight to the spot. Kane strides up to the spot, Adrian saves! But then Harry taps home the rebound and runs to the legions of Chas and Dave lovers. Another piece of luck for Spurs. The whistle blows as soon as we kick-off and the Spurs fans gleefully sing “Two-nil and you fucked it up!” Still, it’s not as if the skies will open and deposit a deluge of rain on us down the Tottenham High Road all the way to Seven Sisters tube — oh, they have.

We retreat to the Faltering Fullback in Finsbury Park for a mournful pint of London Pride as we try to console ourselves that we’d have been happy with a point at the start. The proverbial draw that feels like a loss, particularly after a dodgy substitution from Big Sam. But let’s be clear, this was a fine performance overall, everyone got struck in, we should have won and we have the makings of a good team here. Play like this and the wins will come. COYI.

TEAM RATINGS: Adrian 7; Jenkinson 7, Reid 8, Tomkins 7, Cresswell 8; Noble 8 (Cole 5, Collins 5), Kouyate 8, Song 7, Downing 6; Sakho 8, Valencia 7 (Jarvis 5).

Oh what fun it is to see West Ham win away…

Tottenham 1 West Ham 2 (Capital One Cup)

We haven't managed to get tickets for the game so Matt, Lisa and Fraser are at the Secret Pub with the dodgy feed, having caught Wilko Johnson at Rough Trade on the way, and I’m at home with a bad back listening to the game on Radio London. West Ham are playing a weakened midfield having rested Morrison, Noble and Diame, while Adrian is in goal and Tomkins is out injured.

The West Ham fans are in magnificent voice throughout, though Spurs have the early pressure. Defoe pokes wide after 90 seconds, Townsend has another effort go close and O’Brien heads just wide of his own goal. Spurs run out of ideas though and the Hammers hold on and defend resolutely to be level at the break. Our only effort on target comes from Carlton Cole who forces a save from Lloris.

Andros Townsend goes close for Spurs early in the second half. Just as West Ham force a corner, we lose the ball and it seems all over on 67 minutes when the restored Adebayor performs to script and scores with a thumping shot in off the bar after a run and cross by our old pal Jermain Defoe.

Matt texts: “Horror show. Our corner, counter attack, Taylor wins ball gives it back, Linda misses it… My granny could have put it in!” Though his granny must have bee quite a good finisher on that form.

That goal sparks the Irons into life. Diame and Maiga come on for Joe and Carlton Cole and on 79 minutes Morrison replaces Diarra. The subs change the game. Diame forces a good save from Lloris with a shot from Maiga’s knock-on. Matt Taylor has a fierce shot from the edge of the box saved by the keeper. Spurs are having problems coping with the extra class of Allardici’s substitutes.

THIS IS THE MODIBO WORLD

Adrian takes a free kick, Maiga nods on, the ball falls to Matt Taylor in the box who pays a great reverse pass to Matt Jarvis who fires home into the top of the net. GOAL! Cue mayhem in the away end. Anyone’s tie now.

At 1-1 a combination of O’Brien’s block and a decent save by Adrian thwarts Chadli. We counter attack. Jarvis and Morrison retrieve the ball after a poor Diame cross and Ravel finds Diame again wide on the right. Mo’s cross is perfect and there is Modibo Maiga rising superbly between two defenders to send his header skimming into the corner of the net.

“MYEAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!” screams the Radio London commentator in disbelief. It can’t be. It is. Modibo Maiga has scored! His first goal in one year and 17 days. I sit open-mouthed before my computer monitor. Modibo!!!!

Professor Brian Cox tears up his latest thesis on the laws of the cosmos. Scientists at the Hadron Collider in Geneva give up their search for the Higgs-Bosun particle, throw down their white coats and decide that some things are simply unquantifiable. That Chinese probe on the Moon detects seismic shock waves and a disturbance in N17 that can be seen from the lunar surface. Inside the Tardis the Doctor detects a rift in the time-space vortex and suspects that Big Sam has reversed the polarity of the neutron flow. On board the bridge of the USS Enterprise Mr Spock declares: “This is most illogical. It’s a goal Jim, but not as we know it.” While Matt simply texts “OMG.” Luckily Modibo is quickly engulfed by claret and blue shirts as he has presumably forgotten how to celebrate.

CAN WE PLAY YOU EVERY WEEK?

There’s still time for Adrian to make another fine one-handed save from Sigurdsson’s shot and Diame to find the side netting from another header won by Maiga. WHU break again. Amazingly Maiga, who has won every ball in the air,  then proves that he is fact the next Lionel Messi, turning inside a defender to send a brilliant 30-yard effort whacking into the bar. Where has this player been hiding? Tim Sherwood is regaled with a chorus of "You're getting sacked in the morning!"

There’s a fire drill in the Spurs stands as after five minutes of added time the ref finally blows his whistle and the West Ham fans sing:

It’s happened again

It’s happened again

Tottenham Hotspur

It’s happened again!

We could do with slightly longer to savour being in the semi-final as within minutes we’re drawn against Manchester City. Still, we’ll see off those northern no-hopers and then it’s cup final breakfast round at Nigel’s in Kew. Irons!

Lasagne is a dish best served cold

Tottenham Hotspur 0 
West Ham 3 (three!)

Manage to catch the game in an East London boozer that serves good beer. It's a nice day for a pint with Lisa and Matt even if we are sure to lose 4-0 with Defoe getting a hat-trick. And we're playing with no strikers. Still, we start well, making headway down the flanks with Downing delivering a dangerous cross that Nolan heads wide, Reid just fails to connect with another header, and we're playing in neat triangles with our six midfielders and quick to the ball. We can hear Twist and Shout from the away fans. Tottenham's defence is dumbfounded by the ghost striker Spanish-style formation of  tactical genius Grande Samuel Allardicio. The best chance of the half comes after a clever chipped free kick from Noble that Nolan volleys just wide, while Red just fails to connect with a corner. We're happy with 0-0 at half-time.

Spurs step it up at the start of the second half, with Jussi saving a one-on-one with Defoe. But he always seems to score against us. Could it be our day? The excellent Tomkins, sporting Mr Rocheser-style sideburns, produces a fine save from Lloris after a Hammers corner. "You know West Ham could win this," suggests the commentary team. Surely not?

WHO PUT THE BALL IN THE TOTTENHAM NET?
Morrison, Noble and Diame are dictating play in midfield and we're keeping the ball on the ground. On 66 minutes we win a corner. Winston Reid connects, the ball rebounds off Nolan and back to Winston and bang, it's in the net! YEEEEEEEES! An away goal. Extraordinary. Who put the ball in the Tottenham net? Winston Winston Reid! We glance at the clock. Oh no, 24 minutes left.

Surely we'll defend deep and bugger it up as normal. Only Noble slips a ball thrpough a ball to Vaz Te who outpaces Walker on the left and shoots straight at Lloris. The ball rebounds straight back on to Vaz's knee and into the net! YAAAAAY!!!  Less the Hand of God and more the Knee of Vaz. "Now I'm really worried," says Matt. We text Michael the Whovian in delight to inform him his favourite player has scored. Meanwhile Nigel is dancing in the lanes of the New Forest where his mum lives.

TOTTENHAM UN-RAVEL
Two-nil and we effed it up? Remember the Cup Final? This can't be happening. Or can it? on 79 Diame spins brilliantly to release Morrison in his own half. He advances with deceptive pace into the Spurs half, skips round the lumbering Dawson and then the static Vertonghen and chips the ball over Lloris. The ball trickles over the line as Ravel turns away to nonchantly celebrate. OHMYGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOD!!! EAT LASAGNE SPURS! THREE GOALS IN 13 MINUTES! "He made that look like a training ground goal," muses a gobsmacked Matt. "But he should have followed it up before celebrating." We're seeing something special here.

THREE-NIL TO THE COCKNEY BOYS!
It's all Bubbles now. You wait all season for one away goal and then three turn up at White Hart Lane. The Spurs fans think there's a fire drill and the West Ham section goes effing mental. Lord Sugar! Sir Gary Lineker! Ricardo Villa! Christian Gross! AVB! Small Paul Ince! Chas and Dave! Can you hear me Chas and Dave? We're giving your boys one hell of a beating!

Joe Cole comes on and we nearly score a fourth. We haven't won at White Hart Lane since 1643. The whistle blows. Allardicio, still looking like Gene Hunt with his tie undone, smiles and clenches his fists. "Will Andy Carroll get his place back?" I muse. Matt and Lisa contemplate buying matching West Ham onesies. We go effing mental too and order more bottles of light ale. It's time to text all those Tottenham fans and offer lasagne for dinner. Clearly a dish best served cold.

Will we ever score away?

Interesting stat from the BBC preview of today's game: "Every one of the other 159 teams in the top seven divisions in England scored more away goals than West Ham last season." The only time we scored twice away last season was at QPR. We're now in the bottom three and heading to White Hart Lane where we hardly ever win, and Jermain Defoe is certain to score. All of which makes me feel that, football being football, Modibo Maiga will get a hat-trick and we'll beat them, to quote Micharl Palin, "8 bloody 1!". Nurse, the screens.

White Hart pain…

Tottenham 3 West Ham 1

It’s bad viewing on the BBC sport text feed. Matt texts that events justify his non-attendance. We haven’t won at White Hart Lane since 1999 and haven’t even scored there since 2005. My decision to save £60 looks justified too.

The Match of the Day 2 evidence suggests we’re overawed from the start. Bale turns away from Noble too easily and crashes a shot against the bar. It’s so bad that Big Sam makes a tactical substitution after half an hour removing Maiga and bringing on Jarvis. Just as it looks like WHU might go in level at the break Jermain Defoe, almost on the halfway line, cuts inside two defenders on the right touchline, hares towards the edge of the box, twists inside Noble and sends an unstoppable shot into the bottom corner. Sadly, it’s a great goal from Judas.

We almost score after the interval when Nolan’s low cross is nearly tapped in by Jarvis only for Lloris to gather well. Then it’s all Spurs. Dempsey hits the bar with a fine lob and then sends Bale through with a nice chipped pass. The Spurs winger controls it well to prod home off the post but has lost his marker. Spurs’ third arrives after Diame is dispossessed in midfield and Lennon races down the right after beating Tomkins and cutting the ball inside to Defoe for a tap-in.

At least West Ham stage a late rally just as it looks as if all we can take from the game is that Matt Taylor’s moustache would not be out of place in The Darkness. Taylor’s cross is headed out by Caulker when it should be the keeper’s ball. Joey O’Brien crosses and Andy Carroll rises above the defence to loop his header into the top corner. Let’s hope the pony-tailed talisman goes on a run now. O’Brien misses a great chance from Taylor’s low cross and Reid heads at the keeper from the resulting corner, but it’s all too late.

To compound the day’s misery the West Ham fans are reported to the FA for alleged anti-Semitic chanting. Chanting “Paolo Di Canio” is fair enough as we always do that, but chanting “Lazio!” isn’t when Spurs had fans stabbed there in midweek. And as for hisses if they happened, only a moron would do that. And although the Spurs fans refer to themselves as "Yids”, I’ve always found the “We’ll be running round Tottenham” song goes too far. It’s not just banter and the whole embarrassing scenario, though it only came from a minority, sours an already depressing day. And has anyone chanting noticed our co-chairman David Gold is Jewish and suffered racism as he was growing up in Green Street? He deserves better than that.

Right then, so now all we have to do is win at Old Trafford on Wednesday night.