In the London Stadium Fraser has returned from Berlin, where he's been re-creating the creative highs of David Bowie, Iggy Pop and Lou Reed, before returning home to see a Bon Jovi tribute band, as you do. Matt, Lisa and Nigel have been to the even more exotic destination of Burnley, while with Michael absent attending to his folios, we're joined by Big Sam.
After applause for El Tel the game begins. West Ham start slowly but take the lead on 13 minutes with a quality goal. Ward-Prowse sweeps the ball out wide to Coufal, who pulls back for Kudus to shoot home, with the aid of a slight deflection.
But as ever WHU struggle to get the second against Palace and the Eagles threaten at times. They go very close when Andersen's free-kick is deflected just past the post. Kudus and Coufal both have great games, having been rested in midweek, but the rest of the side look weary, with Bowen not quite match-fit. Paqueta infuriates the normally phlegmatic Nigel by showboating and attempting an Ernie-Hunt style donkey kick on the touchline (that's one for the older readers).
After the break it seems West Ham have scored a second as Kudus' cross drifts past Johnstone, only for Tomas Soucek to be adjudged to have been interfering with the keeper's line of vision.
Almost inevitably Palace come back into it. Paqueta gives away a free kick and Edouard almost heads in from it, thwarted by a block from Ward-Prowse. Then Dinos Mavropanos woefully underhits his back pass to Alvarez rather than play the ball forward. Edouard intervenes, rounds Alvarez and strikes it into the corner. The Palace fans start bouncing and singing "you sold your soul for this shithole!", which isn't very original.
The home crowd get frustrated as Moyes refuses to bring on any subs. For the first time in recorded history Matt asks for Comet to come on. In desperate circumstances, Nigel eats his lucky banana.
To be fair the Hammers do have a go late on. Mavropanos heads wide from a corner and Kudus causes problems with his mazy dribbling. A superb pass from Paqueta sees Emerson volley over when a forward might have scored.
Moyes waits until the 89th minute to bring on Fornals, much to the chagrin of the Vicar's Son. West Ham almost get another late winner as Ward-Prowse plays in a fine cross which no-one has anticipated. The ball falls to Fornals on the left who crosses for Bowen to head straight into the arms of Johnstone.
The rain pours down after a poor match as we head to the Eagle. To be slightly positive we might have lost this game last season. At least there is warmth and East London Pale Ale inside, where we're joined by Nigel's Palace-supporting mate, who is sporting a classic 1970s Palace shirt as worn by Don Rogers. We have a good chat about the Mullery versus Venables rivalry between Brighton and Palace and the so-called "team of the Eighties", who actually weren't.
So all we have to do is win at Spurs on Thursday and two points dropped here won't seem so bad. What could possibly go wrong?
PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Coufal 8, Mavropanos 5, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6; Soucek 6, Alvarez 6 (Fornals n/a), Ward-Prowse 6, Paqueta 6; Kudus 8, Bowen 5.
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