Summerville strikes to boost hopes of great escape

Fulham 0 West Ham 1

Pre-match it's to the River Cafe opposite Putney Bridge tube for eggs, chips and beans. It's a politer version of the Best Cafe only they get the orders right. Then it's on to the Temperance to meet Nigel, Tom and Dan, who have blagged some seats from a Fulham-supporting bank executive. They're drinking beer rather than white wine, which gets odd looks in Fulham. Nigel's rather excited because the Temperance is where his wife CQ's parents first met. We then walk by the Thames, which is almost as good as the River Lea, past Bishop's Palace to the lights of Craven Cottage. 

I'm joined in the Putney End, next to the West Ham fans, by Matt and Lisa, arriving after eating cake at the Marie Antionette exhibition at the V&A and wondering if WHU can escape the chop. We also find Big Joe among the home fans, fresh from a walloping at Anfield where he was searched for red cards and anti-board material. Well, he does have form for taking a copy of Granta to Sunderland.

It's a relief that Harry Wilson is out for the home side, while Callum Wilson plays alongside Taty for WHU and Todibo comes in for Mavropanos. It's a good start from the Hammers as Castellanos tests Leno in the first minute. A West Ham corner sees a VAR check against Iwobi for handball. We're only a few rows from the front and get to really feel the speed of the game. Meanwhile the West Ham fans amuse themselves with some not-very-printable songs.

Just before the break the already booked Fernandes is adjudged to have fouled King just outside the box. The crowd demand a second yellow even though Fernandes seemed to get some of the ball. Luckily the free kick goes straight into the wall. Hermansen then has to make a fine stop with his foot to deny King.

The Hammers start the second half with real intent on the break. Tomas Soucek gets in a header from a corner which Leno tips on to the top of the bar. Then Bowen turns to get a low shot away which the keeper tips round the post. 

It looks to be going very wrong as referee Matthew Donohoe awards a penalty to Fulham when Taty tangles with Cairney. But VAR intervenes and correctly rules that Cairney's foot has kicked Castellanos. Next Summerville sends in an inviting cross that Wilson and Soucek somehow fail to get on the end of. Magassa then comes on for Callum Wilson.

The breakthrough comes on 65 minutes and owes everything to Bowen's hard work. He chases a long ball, Leno comes out to play the ball to Bassey only Bowen nips in to pass to Summerville, who swerves past his man and calmly bends his finish round the last defender to spark mayhem in the away section.

"Oh Jimmy Jimmy, Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Summerville!" chant the Irons fans, which must be a bit confusing to a young Dutch bloke not familiar with 1980s icons or the oeuvre of Bronski Beat and the Communards.

WE'RE COMIMG FOR YOU!

Time goes very slowly for the rest of the match. A couple of brave 15-year-olds in front of us beckon the West Ham fans to come and have a go if they think they're hard enough. Fulham make lots of subs as they pressure West Ham's box. Disasi and Todibo are both really solid at the back and the collective desire to get a result looks much better.

In the 87th minute Castagne's low drive looks destined for the back of the net until Mads Hermansen makes a match-winning save. The ref finds ten minutes of added-time and we all fear the inevitable late equaliser. There's a late scare as Hermansen drops a cross but for once we hold out for a massive three points. 

"Tottenham Hotspur we're coming for you!" chants the delirious away end as the players come over to celebrate.Team spirit looks good judging by the players' body language as Jimmy finishes his interview and punches the air. We head to the Crabtree pub accompanied by the Ludo Miklosko song. Some of the Fulham fans are so upset that that they are a bit sharp with their butlers and chauffeurs.

For 14 minutes we've been out of the bottom three until Forest equalised at Man City. But we're now level on points with Forest, three behind Leeds and one point behind crisis club Spurs. 

At the Crabtree there's a cameo from DC before we drink Hepcat and Peroni and ponder the league table. Matt is so excited he orders a ten-year-old Jura whisky in honour of George Orwell as the Fulham fans drink red rather than white wine. Then it's down Fulham Palace Road to Hammersmith after a successful mission in west London. This victory gives us real hope of survival. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 8; Wan-Bissaka 7, Disasi 8, Todibo 8 (Mavropanos n/a) Diouf 7; Bowen 7, Soucek 7, Fernandes 7 (Kante n/a),  Summerville 9; Wilson 5 (Magassa 6), Castellanos 7 (Traore n/a).

Ings can only get better

Fulham 1 West Ham 1

It's a strange team selection from Lopetegui, with a midfield of Rodriguez, Alvarez and Soucek looking decidedly uncreative. His decision to rest Lucas Paqueta might be because Lucas has played twice for Brazil in the international break, but may also owe something to Paqueta's poor form against Man City and the strain the playmaker is under as he awaits those FA charges. 

With Fullkrug inured while playing for Germany Antonio is again the main striker rather than Jarrod Bowen, while Crysencio Summerville remains on the bench. Dinos is again preferred to Todibo at the back. 

Fulham have the better of the first half. The ref turns down claims for a penalty against Kilman after he appears to push Traore, who is through on goal. The Fulham player goes down easily, but it could well have been given. Traore then heads a decent chance wide of the post.

Fulham take the lead when West Ham's offside trap fails and Smith-Rowe retrieves a ball that looks to be going out of play. Mavropanos does that silly hands behind the back defending and can't prevent the cross, as Jiminez gets ahead of Kilman to flick home.

Lopetegui acts at half time bringing on Jimmy Summerville for Antonio and Paqueta for Soucek, Bowen becoming the main striker. The changes almost work on 60 minutes when Kudus crosses and Bowen controls well to shoot against the legs of Leno. Luckily Fulham can't make it two as Traore heads another chance wide. Loppy has brought on Coufal for Emerson, Soler for Rodriguez and now Danny Ings for Alvarez.

OH DANNY BOY

We're at Rachel and Andy's wedding in Newark (so good they named it twice), loitering by the canopes, as I sneak off to the gents to search for news of the inevitable 1-0 loss and ponder the fact there's only one F in Fulham. But I've reckoned without Dingsie turning into a super sub. 

In the 95th minute Summerville does well to win a throw-in. Coufal takes it quickly and Bowen races to cross before the ball goes over the touchline. Danny Ings takes a good first touch and fires a low effort past Leno at his near post. It's a great moment for Ings, who never seems to complain about being on the bench. Perhaps he's been inspired by the fact his hair transplant seems to have worked. Matt WhatApps to say he's never doubted him.

There's still time for Bassey to head wide for Fulham, but after the 5-0 defeat last season we'll take a draw. There's work to be done but at least the players kept fighting to the end. What Lopetegui needs to do now is get Fullkrug and Summerville in the side and give Todibo a go at the back. Though credit to the gaffer for taking off his three holding midfielders and ending with a very attacking line-up. Irons!

There's only one F in Fulham

Fulham 5 West Ham 0 

Luckily I was away in Edinburgh for this one. Clearly the Spurs win took a lot of energy from the players and the side never looked at it for this. A Ward-Prowse free kick saved and a Bowen shot early doors promised better. But once the defence sat too deep and allowed Jimenez to score with a header it was all over. Only Harry Wilson's goal was a great effort, the rest saw some pretty horrific defending. The fifth was a simple ball over the top and Sunday league stuff. 

Benrahma had one decent effort at the keeper late on, but it was a dismal day all round.The ill Alvarez was badly missed and the five extra games in Europe seem to have left the players exhausted. This was a game too far and we require much better against Freiburg on Thursday. Nurse, the screens.

We're winning away...

Fulham 0 West Ham 1

A nervous trip to the Lake District while the scores from this one updated. Moyes very much went back to basics after the Newcastle debacle, dropping all the new signings (bar the injured Paqueta) and in a fit of extravagance playing Antonio and Ings together up front. 

We still can't score mind, but at least Fulham did it for us. The goal arrived after a Coufal cross was half-cleared and fell to Bowen. Jarrod's low cross was turned into his own net by Reed. From there on it was a resilient defensive performance like the West Ham of two seasons ago, with Ogbonna prominent. 

Ings had a shot smothered and the Irons relied on a great late dive from Fabianski to deny Pereira when was through. When Ings was subbed it provoked a chorus of "you don't know what you're doing!" from the away fans, through the arrival of Downes and Benrahma gave Fulham something else to think about so perhaps he does know what he's doing. It should have been 2-0 when sub Cornet opted to shoot rather than pass to the unmarked Benrahma.

Will take the points all day long, though a victory that raises questions as the team played better without the new signings. But to be positive two more wins out of nine should see WHU survive, at least. Our last away win was at Villa in August when I was also in the Lakes. Might have to take a few trips to Keswick.

Disappointing draw and a ridiculous red

"The Force is not strong in Michail's hamstrings"

Fulham 0 West Ham 0

This match was played in atrocious conditions and appeared to be a game too far for West Ham's players. So bright against Villa, this was a tired performance. Lingard and Antonio looked jaded from the start, though the Hammers did have a couple of decent first half chances as Bowen just missed an inviting cross and Soucek headed over when well-placed.

Fulham competed fiercely, as you'd expect from a team fighting to survive. The Irons almost broke the deadlock in the second half as Coufal headed Rice's cross on to the top of the bar. Fresh legs were needed though it's debatable whether Noble and Yarmolenko were the right subs and with Lingard not being fully match fit it was strange to keep him on all game. Antonio's hamstrings needed a rest but having no specialist striker to replace him bar Yarmolenko emphasised the fact that we're unlikely to make the top four.

Fulham had chances to win it with Mitrovic and Loftus-Cheek both hitting efforts wide. To be positive the Hammers' defence did stand up well again and in other seasons we might have lost this.

Just when it's seeming that Mike Dean is having a quiet game VAR intervenes. In the 97th minute Mitrovic has gone down in the box after an elbow from Soucek, though the replays show that it is clearly accidental with Tomas trying to move his arm out of the way. Soucek seems just about the nicest man in football. He wouldn't retaliate even if you stole his potato salad. But Mike Dean watches the replay a million times and then opts for a red, which Ian Wright on Match of the Day later brands, "the worst decision I've ever seen". Surely WHU will win any appeal.

At least Moyes livens up the rainy post-match press conference by appearing in a black hood, channelling the Emperor from Star Wars, a bit of Obi-Wan Kenobe and perhaps The Master from the Doctor Who story The Deadly Assassin. The Force was not strong in West Ham here, let's hope we get it back before The Empire Strikes Back and crocks Antonio. 

We're West Ham United we win every week!

Fulham 0 West Ham United 2

It's an absolutely sodden Fulham Palace Road as I meet my old mate Tim and his son Jamie, who have blagged some tickets in the strange 'neutral' section at Fulham that is now full of WHU fans. There's six inches of water as we step through the turnstile. At least the rear of the Putney End is covered and relatively dry as I huddle down in my Gore-Tex and fleece on a freezing and sodden evening. Still, it's nice to be in an old-fashioned ground surrounded by houses. Fulham's screen lis so small you'd think Karren Brady probably has a bigger TV in her office.

As the game kicks off the away fans enjoy themselves with a jukebox selection of "My name is Ludek Miklosko" and "Oh Christian Dailly you are the love of my life!". Fulham have an early chance when Kamara is clear but Fabianski saves well. Anderson always looks to have the beating of Odoi and the Hammers take the lead as after a fine ball from Noble the Brazilian expertly hurdles a sliding challenge and crosses low to Snodgrass. Snoddy hits a screamer into the corner and we enjoy watching the net bulge as the rejuvenated Scotsman rushes to the jubilant away section. Two in two for Robert.

"ANTONIO… ANTONIO… ANTONIO!"
Fulham respond quite well to going a goal down as Kamara has a free header saved by Fabianski and then the keeper has to gather another low effort from Mitrovic. But they can't cope with WHU on the break. Again Anderson gets free and crosses for Chicharito to head on to the unmarked Antonio. Michail does well to take the ball down and calmly slot it through Ruiz's legs. Two-nil to the cockney boys and Javier's first assist in four years. 

Fulham's defensive plight is summed up by an Anderson nutmeg causing two defenders to run into each other and knock each other out. Antonio, playing as a striker, is also causing all sorts of problems with his ability to hold the ball up and work the channels and appears to have his speed back. 

The second half sees Fulham play some nice passing football, but only really creating a couple of melees that are cleared by Diop and Balbuena. The Hammers continue to threaten on the wings with Masuaka and Anderson on the left and Snoddy on the right, though we always seem to get the final ball slightly wrong. Rice and Zabaleta keep things tight defensively and at times it's almost showboating as the lads pass it around and look a really confident side.

WE'RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE?
The West Ham fans enjoy the chilly win, as they sing "Pellegrini's claret and blue army!" and "Two more years two more years, Zabaleta!" There's a new song for Felipe Anderson and of course Jingle Bells. Anderson almost adds a third at the end, his effort producing a good save from Rico.

The players salute the fans at the final whistle and Declan Rice proves he's well hard in the cold by walking off bare-chested towards the Cottage after giving away his shirt. As we leave the ground there's a pleasing chorus of, "We're West Ham United we win every week!" and then, "We're gonna win the league!"

Four wins in a row is a remarkable transformation. Admittedly Nrewcastle, Cardiff, Palace ands Fulham are among the division's poorer sids, but we've lost these type of games before. And with the fans finally adding Pellegrini's name to the Claret and Blue Army chant it's almost feeling like a united club again. An enjoyable away day and worth the soaking.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Zabaleta 7, Diop 7, Balbuena 6, Masuaku 6; Anderson 8, Rice 7, Noble 6 (Obiang 6), Snodgrass 7; Hernandez 6 (Carroll 5), Antonio 7 (Diangana n/a). 

There's only one F in Fulham

Fulham 2 West Ham 1

At least the pre-match Powerhouse Porter is excellent in the Crabtree after a rain-drenched walk down Fulham Palace Road. Fraser eyes up the £51 South Australian chardonnay and wonders if it can compete with the Central’s. We're joined by Matt and Lisa, Twickenham Irons Tim and Dave with  their sons and also my old school friend Mark who has dyed his beard claret and blue – a move he may regret in the Fulham end if they set their butlers on him.

In row ZZ there are still balls lodged from Bobby Zamora’s shots and we have fine views of the rain wafting over London and the Thames threatening to inundate the stadium.

West Ham have three out-of-position centre backs in Diarra, O’Brien and McCartney plus wing-backs in Taylor and Demel. It all starts well for the Hammers. Fulham’s defence looks vulnerable after letting in six against Hull and fails to deal with a free kick from Jaaskelainen. Diame is given time to turn and shoot home after seven minutes. It should be two when Diame’s cross is met by Nolan, whose header is saved by the feet of Stockdale.

NUTTY NOLAN

But Scott Parker digs in and Berbatov and Taarabt start to show skill in the quagmire as Fulham come back into it. Maiga heads off the line from a corner. If it can wrong it will go wrong. Mark Noble pulls up after 32 minutes and has to go off with an injury. That's nine players out. Immediately after Rat comes on Fulham equalise with a simple header from a corner as Sidwell outjumps McCartney. A minute later Taarabt shows good technique to turn and hit the post.

Just as we seem be coming back into it, the game turns on Nolan’s sending off. He’s blocked by Amorebieta and pushes him over, possibly aiming a kick too. He doesn’t appear to actually touch his face but with a referee like Clattenberg why give him the opportunity to send you off? The incident is on the halfway line and it’s utterly stupid from Nolan, particularly after his needless red card at Anfield. Now we have to play the entire second half with ten men.

The rain and gloomy sky match our mood at half-time. West Ham lack belief throughout the second half and it’s all Fulham. Jaskelainen produces fine saves from Riise and Taarabt before Parker’s mishit shot turns into a pass to the unmarked Berbatov who pokes the ball home.

WE LOSE EVERY WEEK
"How shit must you be we're winning at home!" chant the Fulham fans. The West Ham fans respond with "You're nothing special, we lose every week!"

The Irons show an alarming lack of technique, even if it is the squad players, with passes being hoofed into touch and there’s open mutiny among the away fans. When Diame is taken off for Downing Allardyce is serenaded with “You don’t know what you’re doing!” and there are chants of “You’re getting sacked in the morning! and “Fuck off Sam Allardyce!” - which don’t appear to be cockney banter.

There’s a bloke in front is us going absolutely mental: “That’s it Allardyce, bring on another left back! Just stand there being fat and waving your arms around. This is f***ing rubbish! That’s right, keep it down for the goal difference look at your f***ing stats!” Must be a vicar’s son.

Downing doe threaten with a dangerous cross but doesn't get much of the ball. There’s a late rally in the last ten minutes as a header goes wide and Hammers force a corner. But it’s all too late and we’ve lost another six-pointer. Apart from the rain, terrible conditions, injuries, sending off and defeat everything else has gone well. Can Allardyce survive this? It’s starting to look desperate.

Team Ratings: Jaaskelainen 7, Demel 5, McCartney 5, Diarra 5 O'Brien 5, Taylor 5, Noble 6, Diame 6, Nolan 3, Collison 5, Maiga 5.

Not a Thriller but it is Bad

Fulham 3 West Ham 1

Our pre-match organization is as shambolic as West Ham’s defence. After telling our butlers our whereabouts, Fraser and myself proceed from Hammersmith tube down Fulham Palace Road at different times, Matt and Lisa wait in the Delicious café having come via Fulham Road and when we do finally rendezvous no-one has researched a pub. So it’s a rather good pre-match Americano (what no Nescafe?) instead. 

We get to see the famous Michael Jackson statue at the corner of the Hammersmith End, which looks like the work of a not-very-talented FdA art student. Jackson went to all of one game and that was probably in an oxygen tent.

It’s weird watching the game from below pitch level at the front of the Fulham End, though £20 is a very reasonable price. It’s a frantic blur of lost possession and challenges with neither side stringing more than a few passes together. We get a good view of Schwarzer hollering at his defence and Hangerland mopping up everything against the unimposing Chamakh. Dimitar Berbatov is the one player with time and class and is brilliant all evening.

Fulham take the lead at the other end after ten minutes, Berbatov heading home a free kick with three Fulham players offside when the ball is kicked. It might have been offside, but Jaaskelainen doesn’t react either as a fairly tame header eludes him at his near post.

Our best chance is when Diame makes a burst down the left and crosses for Nolan to head wide when he should have been on target. But nought shots on target in the first half says it all. Joe Cole is hustled out of the game and Jarvis rarely gets a cross in.

WANNA BE STARTIN' SOMETHING

West Ham start much better in the second half with Diame looking determined. Three minutes into the half Noble’s free kick finds clucking Kevin Nolan, who loses Berbatov and fires across Schwarzer into the net, his first goal since November.

We then commit the basic error of conceding a goal a minute later. An attack breaks down, Duff gets down the left and Demel fails to stop him crossing. Astonishingly Rodallega manages to beat Tomkins, Reid, O’Brien and Jussi to head home. He wants it more and it’s a rubbish goal to concede.

Hammers try to come back, with Schwarzer firing across goal and the ball trickling wide of the post. Carlton Cole and Andy Carroll (minus pony tail and now with a dodgy bob) come on as subs. Carroll gets a good left shot in with his first touch and produces a safe and also fires over a few minutes later.

Sub Matt Taylor moves to left back and crosses low when we have a giant forward line and then gets caught out as Fulham go close on the break. Tomkins has a nightmare and his confidence appears shot. We’re missing James Collins more than anyone.

“Typical Allardyce team!” says the bloke behind us we fire hopeful balls at our front men. Nolan has a huge row with Noble for kicking the ball out of play just because Dimitar Berbatov has a slight hamstring tweak. At least Kevin appears angry.

It’s all over in added time. Jussi saves well from Rodallega, but from a tight angle Petric shoots the ball across goal and in off the unlucky O’Brien. We get a fine view of Damien Duff thumping has badge in front of us.

We leave the stadium past the naff Michael Jackson statue. It’s not been a Thriller but it has been Bad.  We walk past the Thames while resisting the temptation to jump in. Beats the River Lea I’m afraid. Best result of the day is finding the Crabtree pub, which has rotating obscure real ales (we try Canberra and Detox), Pacifico lager for Lisa, Aspinall’s cider for Fraser and a menu of Cornish fish, polenta and halloumi. Just like Ken’s Cafe really. Fulham fans don’t drink white wine, they sip lovely real ales.

“That was relegation defending,” muses Matt over his pint of Detox. We wonder if the Michael Jackson statue might have performed better in defence or even Billie Jean. Swansea is now yet another must-win game.

Oh what fun it is to see West Ham win away!

Fulham 1 West Ham 3

You do fear that 12-year-old Freddie Sears might be full of E-numbers after the festive break. Young Fred has been recalled from Scunthorpe and in the latest erratic selection from Grant has gone straight into the side at Fulham in a wide right midfield role.

“Bet he asked Father Christmas for a start!” texts Matt.

A Boxing day tube strike and a trip to my mother-in-law’s gaff in Buntingford mean I’m watching the match in the Fox and Duck.

I’m with my sister-in-law’s Uncle Angus who is a Fulham fan and an English teacher at a top public school, which rather confirms the stereotype that Fulham fans are a little more upmarket than us Irons.

Does he only drink white wine? No, he prefers the Fox and Duck’s red Merlot as they bring us the finest wines known to humanity and some cheese and onion crisps.

Carlton Cole fires across goal early on, but after 11 minutes my worst fears are confirmed. A corner is only half-cleared and Davies crosses for an unmarked Aaron Hughes — who hasn’t scored since 2004 — to head home. A terrible goal to give away.

Andy Johnson should make it two but scuffs his shot. Surely it can’t be like Reading away in 2006?

My only consolation is that Angus says Fulham can’t finish teams off without Zamora and that Salcido gets caught out of position at left back.

Sure enough, on 37 minutes Freddie Sears hits in a terrible cross and Etuhu deflects it into the path of Cole who turns sharply to prod home.

Cole goes close again in added time as Schwarzer saves, but from the corner Parker crosses and a completely unmarked Piquionne ghosts through the offside trap to volley home. Two-one at half-time and could this be the turning point of our season? It’s IPA and red wine all round. My daughter Lola joins us for the second half.

Green foils Johnson in a one-on-one in the second half but Cole is growing in confidence, holds the ball up well and is starting to look like the player of a year ago. A neat back-heel allows Sears to turn and shoot just wide.

Uncle Angus nips out to the gents and inevitably it’s a goal. On 73 minutes Gabbidon punts the ball upfield, Hughes misheads it to Cole and he turns to sweep the ball home in one movement. Lola and myself dance in the pubs of Buntingford. It’s a great goal and as Mark Lawrenson points out later on Match of the Day, you wonder what CC’s been doing for the rest of the season.

Of course you fear we’ll throw it away, but Ben Haim has a decent game at right back, Upson and Tomkins stay solid and Green produces a brilliant tip over to deny Johnson.

We actually look quite comfortable by the final whistle and for a moment Avram Grant looks a little less like Toad of Toad Hall after a motoring conviction and breaks into a smile, having presumably saved his job. Uncle Angus takes it like a gentleman, and I wish him luck for Fulham's game at Stoke, where he's staying overnight for the match on the way to Edinburgh.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all he way! Oh what fun it is to see West Ham first win away for the first time since the opening match of last season at Wolves. Thank goodness Freddie Sears wrote that letter to Santa.

You only drink white wine…

Fulham 3 West Ham 2


The Cottage pub is closed for renovation, a bit like West Ham. So Fraser, Nigel and myself drift down Munster Road to the Durrell Arms, where the Doombar ale makes a welcome change from the Central.

We walk the rainswept streets to Craven Cottage, noting the enhanced ambience compared to Upton Park. Oh West London is full of yoga studios, basement conversions and garden centres.

Nigel is sitting in Row Z of the Neutral Section, so he’s relieved to discover that Zamora is nursing an injury. Fraser and myself are right behind Rob Green in Row C and get to see our lack of width in horrific detail. How does the keeper cope?

Fulham have made seven changes from the side that beat Hamburg to reach the Europa League Final. We discover that David ‘Diddy’ Hamilton is still alive and DJing for the Cottagers and the game kicks off.

The home crowd seems positively sedate for a side that’s just achieved the impossible. Does your butler know you’re here?

It’s end of season fare from both sides. Lots of practice match style pinging the ball round with no fouls and no penetration. The away fans are so bored they recite a jukebox of chants hits: “Oh Christian Dailly you are the love of my life!”, "My name is Ludek Miklosko”, “Paolo Di Canio!” and even a Bobby Moore chant.

We discuss whether Paul Konchesky might make the England squad, until Fraser points out that his two England appearances so far involved getting beaten 3-1 by Australia and then given the run around by Argentina.

Things liven up a little on the half hour when Dempsey hits our bar with a chip that has Green beaten, and then Noble turns swiftly and fires in a shot that Schwarzer does well to parry. Da Costa fires in a rocket from 35 yards that the Fulham keeper turns round the post.

But our porcelain jaw is exposed right on half time as Dempsey plays a one-two with Davis and unmarked shoots into the corner of the net. It’s freezing, we're losing and it's all looking like a pretty poor investment of 49 quid.

“Still, they’ll struggle to get another 23.” I tell Fraser.

The West Ham fans are magnificent, as ever. At the start of the second half we repeat the constant claret and blue army mantra for a nothing at stake game. It inspires our lads a little and we up the tempo.

Only then we fail to clear and Baird shots at Cole, who unluckily deflects the ball into his own net.

Franco and Diamanti come on at last, just as Noble flights a free kick and Cole back heads into the Fulham net.

We press some more, but then Spector loses the ball on the left when he should have hit Row Zamora, and Okaka converts a tap in. Apart from Burnley and Hull, we must have the worst back four in the division.

In stoppage time Parker and Noble combine to set up Franco, still wearing his snood, for a well-worked consolation.

At least we still have a 22-goal superior goal difference to Hull, which is about the best that can be said for it. And David Hamilton is playing the Christian Daily song as we leave, starting another tribute to the iconic Scotsman.

Someone spots Phill Jupitus, our answer to Hugh Grant, in the departing crowd and quips “Did you see the humour in that then?” You suspect he might not have.

A strange game. It shouldn’t take the fans to motivate the players into a sense of urgency. Roll on the end of the season.

Oh what fun it is to see West Ham win away

Fulham 1 West Ham 2

It’s different up west. Walking from Fulham Broadway it’s lunch at Pret a Manger instead of Ken’s Café and bistros instead of Belly Busters. At the Local Hero cafe Matt and Lisa are asked by a woman to look after her handbag while she goes to the loo. Now that wouldn't happen in Green Street.

Through leafy village-like streets we find the Cottage pub. Inside they take credit cards, it’s safe to wear your colours and Fulham fans politely make room for you at the bar. Fraser, Matt, Lisa, Nigel, Jo and Mike and two of Fraser’s Fulham mates are all here as we discuss the possibilities of Zamora, Konchesky, Paintsil and Bullard scoring against us (near to certain) over a civilised pint of London Pride.

A gentle amble to the ground past the “Neutral section” of the Putney Road stand (is there such thing as a neutral football fan?) and we take our seats, which are practically in the Thames. The river looks glorious in the sunlight and there’s always the prospect of watching the boats go by should we be crap.

“Shame the boat race isn’t on,” I muse.

“No, the same two teams get to the final every year,” says Nigel.

Zamora and Paintsil receive applause and songs from the away fans. Despite the Sheffield United judgment our fans give constant spirited support, as always.

For the first 40 minutes Fulham have the better of it as we give away a series of free kicks around our box. Davies volleys wide, and Green saves well from Bullard before being clattered by Paintsil, who is suddenly abused by the fans who thought he was better than Kaka a few minutes earlier. Zamora puts a header wide, thankfully looking more like the inconsistent finisher we sold.

Andy Johnson lunges in studs first at Ilunga and is lucky to only receive a yellow card. Parker and Noble are working tremendously hard in the middle but we’re creating little. Carlton Cole meanwhile is constantly controlling the ball but running into trouble.

“When he was arrested was it for performing an endless three-point turn?” I ask.

“We’ve got Craig Bellamy!” sing our fans as our Welsh irritant warms up.

“Not for long we haven’t,” suggests Matt, “he’s hardly ever played for us.”

Just as we’re saying we’d be happy to get to half time at 0-0 we score. Having been clattered in the right by Konchesky, Etherington recovers to sprint down the right, an area he hasn’t been seen in since the days of the Domesday Book. Incredibly he crosses with his right foot, Schwarzer can’t hold it and the ball falls to Carlton Cole to wallop home.

“Let’s raise a glass to Carlton Cole!” suggests Matt.

“Always believe in Carlton Cole!” sing the 2500-strong Spandeau Ballet revivalist contingent.

“Now would be good time to score another,” says Mystic Fraser, and 20 seconds later we do. Noble plays a through ball, the Fulham defence scarpers and the rejuvenated Matty Etherington bats the keeper to slot home his second goal in a week. And then Johnson gets sent off for his second yellow card and surely even we can’t blow this?

In the second half Fulham fight back, despite being down to ten men, and as ever we struggle to keep a 2-0 lead. Neill handles in the box and Murphy makes it 2-1.

But we are still playing some good attacking football and have numerous chances to finish Fulham off. Ilunga, looking strong and a real find at left back, produces a good save from Schwarzer.

Nigel receives a text saying that Paul Newman has died. We wonder if Hayden Mullins will come on as a midfield Hustler and if Al Fayed will show us the Colour of Money.

Etherington makes a great run down the left only to slice the ball into the side netting causing the vicar’s son by me to curse “How many f**king chances do we need? That was a pile of dog poo Etherington!”

Substitute Bellamy puts a volley over an open goal, Carlton Cole, having a great second half, has another shot saved and then Behrami, looking stronger and fitter as the game goes on, is the latest Iron to go close.

There’s still time for Zamora to not connect with an inviting free kick and Bullard to place an injury-time free-kick into the wall.

At last the whistle blows and it’s three points and stuff those litigious whingers from Sheffield. Tottenham are going toxic, Arsenal are about to lose to Hull and we’re up to fifth. And once we’re in the Champions League we’ll easily raise that £30 million.