It all goes a bit Spursy for West Ham

West Ham 0 Tottenham 3

Luckily we're in the Lake District for this one, watching the game from Tweedies bar in Grasmere. My younger daughter's boyfriend is with us wearing his Spurs shirt, though to be fair he doesn't gloat and does buy me a pint.

Fullkrug has a knock from international duty, Wilson is deemed ready to start and Potter opts for Bowen up front which deprives the side of its biggest threat on the right. West Ham start off quite confidently after the Forest win, with a nice move between Bowen and Fernandes seeing Paqueta drag a shot wide when he should score. But Spurs win a series of corners and ruthlessly crowd Hermansen. Romero has what looks a good goal disallowed for holding in the box as Spurs start to dominate. Summerville has his moments though and at the break there's still hope.

It all goes wrong soon after the interval when yet another corner comes in. Sarr wanders lonely as a cloud towards the back post and heads home with our defence on the couch. Soucek lunges in studs up and gets a straight red. Almost instantly a Spurs free kick sees Bergvall get between the centre backs to loop home a header. It's three after 63 minutes when more hesitant defending sees Van de Ven shoot into the corner. 

Luckily Spurs ease up after that. Bowen has a shot at the keeper but with ten men it's game over. Back to basics after the Forest optimism with five goals now conceded from corners this season. The Grasmere deluge arrives with the heavens apparently weeping at such lax defending and leaving both West Ham and my party with several mountains to climb. At least the Lakes Pale Ale was good.

Bowen earns point against weakened Spurs

West Ham 1 Tottenham 1 

Up against a side that has made eight changes with a big semi final coming up, what could possibly go wrong? I'm joined at the London Stadium by Nigel, CQ in a hoodie displaying the names of all the men who have landed on the Moon (though no-one associated with West Ham has ever been over the Moon), super sub Lisa and Matt fresh from waiting for the council election results from Towcester to pop up. Michael is absent preparing for a Bridgerton-style ball in Covent Garden.

West Ham have a decent first 15 minutes, starting with some intensity. Wan-Bissaka is finding space on the right, Soucek is involved and Kudus is aggressive on the left. But as so often this season a self-inflicted would results in a goal. Max Kilman could simply lump the ball into touch but tries a header, then a couple of  ineffectual prods at the ball, allowing Tel to cross for Odobert, who has lost Cresswell and Emerson, to stroke it home. "One-nil in your cup final!" chant the away fans.

At least the crowd stay with the Irons and the side shows some character to keep going. Wan-Bissaka's cross is handled by Ben Davies but ref Michael Oliver turns down the penalty appeals. But the Hammers do equalise when Wan-Bissaka does well to see Bowen's run. Jarrod does the rest taking a touch and putting the ball through Vicario's legs. 

The rest of the half is fairly even though there's a another scare when Richarlson fires across the box. The Spurs Second X1 is looking up for it. Still, the bloke from Barcelona in Fraser's old seat seems to be enjoying El Crapico. At half time Matt counsels Nigel not to eat his lucky banana, while we are all aghast that the club website has jinxed us by writing, "the three points are there for the taking."

Odobert has an early shot comfortably saved by Areola after the break but it's West Ham who create the better chances. Kudus does really well to beat his man down the left wing and cross for Fullkrug to head over. Matt gets increasingly irate with referee Michael Oliver and Potter's substitutions, while Paqueta loses it after getting yellow carded and has to be held back by Soucek. 

It's sub James Ward-Prowse who almost creates the winner, whipping in a free kick that Bowen gets his head to only to see Vicario pull off a fine one-handed save. In added time a free kick is won in Ward-Prowse territory. He fires in a decent effort that hits the side netting and our last chance of winning it has gone. It's not a disaster but this is now eight games without a win and we really should have beaten a Spurs side of squad players.

We head to the Eagle for Meantime and Spitfire from the fridge and the news that Sinead is departing our local which is a shame. Nigel and Matt discuss the lower leagues, clubs that are nowhere near the city they are named after and the fact that Boreham Wood FC is spelt differently to the town of Borehamwood. We then write Matt's potential review of Iron Maiden at the London Stadium for him. Before wondering if we should recall loanees Kurt Zouma and Maxi Cornet. Otherwise it's roll on the end of the season, though at least we didn't lose the lead.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 8, Kilman 4, Todibo 6 (Coufal 5), Cresswell 5 (Mavropanos n/a), Emerson 5; Paqueta 6 (Ward-Prowse 7), Soucek 6 (Soler 5); Kudus 7, Fullkrug 6 (Ferguson 5), Bowen 8.

Tottenham Hotspur — it almost happened again

West Ham 1 Tottenham Hotspur 1

My day begins with a trip from Ravenglass to Euston after a spot of Wainwright-bagging, and then it's on to the London Stadium with Fraser and Nigel, who has dumped his 'lucky' Wimbledon FC bag in favour of a lucky Copenhagen Airlines bag and an Ilulissat t-shirt. 

We get to see Euro-winning Hammer Ellen White interviewed on the pitch and then an introduction to Lucas Paquet. We're joined by Lisa, Matt and Michael, who is carrying an Anything Goes programme plus a folio of his own play, perhaps hoping that he might bump into a theatre impresario in the Billy Bonds Stand.

The game starts at a lively pace, with Perisic getting in some dangerous crosses and Fornals testing Lloris with an effort from the edge of the box. Then comes the VAR penalty controversy. Ref Stuart Atwell awards a penalty for handball against Cresswell even though the ball has been played at him from point-blank range. After an interminable VAR delay the decision is correctly overturned as the ball hit Cresswell on the head and then deflected on to his arm. 

The crowd celebrate the overturned penalty as if it's a goal and that inspires West Ham. Rice has a thumping volley punched away by Lloris. Benrahma finds Antonio, who cuts inside and curls an excellent effort against the post.

But Spurs always look threatening on the break, and when Rice advances too far and Benrahma mis-controls the attempted one-two, Spurs burst forward. The pacy Kulusevski finds the overlapping Kane who crosses low for Kehrer to poke into his own net under pressure from Son.

BOUNCING SOUCEK

The second half starts ominously as Kulevesky crosses for Son to shoot wide. But the Hammers are starting to press Spurs' defence much more effectively as Lloris is forced to kick into touch. Coufal's quick throw is controlled by Antonio who produces a great flick to Soucek. Tomas has a lot to do but controls well and fires a half volley into the net to spark pandemonium in the Bobby Moore end. That's potato salad to add to Spurs' lasagne. It's a good moment for Antonio, in for the ill Scamacca, who has played like a man fighting for his place,

The Irons sense a winner. More pressing sees Soucek get in a cross that Bowen pokes wide under pressure. Sanchez goes close with an overhead kick but the Hammers come again. Coufal is starting to rampage down the right as of old and gets in a decent cross that Fornals volleys over. It's turning into a cracking end to end game as Kane's scuffed volley is dealt with by Fabianski. 

Spurs are worried and wasting time. As Hojbjerg goes down yet again Mystic Matt suggests that, "there's little more annoying than a self-styled hard-man who spends most of their time writhing around pretending to be hurt."

Can it happen again? Soucek wins a lost ball and crosses for Bowen to shoot wide.Then Jarrod wins a tackle and races down the right wing to play in the overlapping Soucek. Tomas gets in an inviting low cross but subs Paqueta and Emerson leave it to each other. 

Right at the end the ball ricochets off Ogbonna and falls to Bowen who pokes it agonisingly across goal. The whistle blows and it's a decent point against a Spurs team likely to finish in the top four. Once Scamacca and Paqueta are fully integrated then WHU can surely have another decent season — this was certainly the best we've played so far.

We retreat to the Refreshment Rooms for Meantime ale as Nigel entertains us with interesting facts about Liechtenstein and Matt and Fraser tell us about the the times they wound up Frank Bruno. The Hammers deserved to win on chances, but this was more like the performances of a year ago. Now we just have to show Chelsea where to stick their blue flag on Saturday.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 8, Zouma 8, Kehrer 6, Cresswell 6 (Ogbonna 6); Rice 8, Soucek 8, Fornals 7, Benrahma 6 (Paquet 6), Fornals 7 (Emerson n/a); Bowen 7, Antonio 8.

It's happened again....

West Ham United 1 Tottenham Hotspur 0

It's down to myself, Matt, Lisa and Fraser, Scott and his mate Dave in the Billy Bonds Stand. Nigel is attending the 75th birthday party of CQ's cousin in Terry and June land, waiting for Iron Maiden to make the party mix. While Renaissance Fan Michael is at a Faure Requiem featuring Bach plus Fantasia on a Theme, presumably written about West Ham getting into the Champions League places, and Vision of a Garden, probably composed about the Central.

Matt wonders if Kane is sulking after missing the chance to be WHU's back-up striker. He'd have definitely got a few games in the Europa League game and the odd ten minutes at the end of league games when Antonio needed to be rested.  

It's an even first half. Antonio causes Romero problems with his strength, one surge setting up Fornals for a smart volley well saved by Lloris. Michail then cuts inside well only to slice wide when well placed. Spurs do come into the game more after the first 20 minutes, with Ndombole going down to heavy boos after a fine tackle by Zouma. 

Son shoots at Fabianski when through and then after Kane finds himself up against Cresswell, the Spurs striker has a header excellently saved by Fabianski. There's still time for Soucek to head wide an inviting cross but it's goalless at half-time. 

The second half sees Kane just miss an inviting cross as the game appears to be heading for a a goalless draw. Benrahma isn't getting any joy against Emerson Royal and Bowen is running into cul-de-sacs much to the chagrin of the Vicar's Son beside me. A great run by Rice is ended by Antonio straying offside.

SPURS CAUGHT IN THE MATRIX

But the home crowd are roused after Fornals is fouled by Romero and then Pablo uncharacteristically reacts to whatever Romero has said, provoking a mini-fracas. The game is settled in the 72nd minute. Fornals does well to win the ball back and get in a deflected shot that Lloris tips over for a corner. Cresswell swings it in and Antonio pokes home. For some reason he's being marked by Kane — West Ham's striker shouldn't be too difficult to spot for Spurs' centre backs as we only have one. Cue mayhem and Antonio doing a celebration from The Matrix.

It's a stressful final 20 minutes, but Spurs don't create any chances as Zouma leads the way with some hefty clearances. Johnson isn't as good as Coufal going forward but sticks to his job at the back and wins some important tackles. Antonio almost makes another as Benrahma's effort is saved by Lloris. We haven't played that well, but Moyes has instilled an ability to snatch results on such days. It's good to see the players come to the fans at the end with Oggy punching the air and Moyes joining in.

We decide to try the refurbished Lord Napier at Hackney Wick. It's a proper old pub but will it pass the Nigel credibility test? We enjoy the "Shithouse to Public House" sign behind the bar and take pints of Camden Pale up to the roof terrace. Hipster couples out for a quiet Sunday drink look a little bemused at the crowd of geezers singing, "Tottenham get battered wherever they go!"

A good day is rounded off by the news that Man United are losing 5-0 at home to Liverpool. Lisa suggests that Ronaldo, like Kane, must be regretting not becoming West Ham's back-up striker. We just have to hope that United don't try to poach the promising young gaffer doing so well at West Ham. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Johnson 6, Zouma 8, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 7; Soucek 6, Rice 8, Fornals 7, Benrahma 6, Bowen 6 (Lanzini n/a); Antonio 7.

It's happened again as Hammers go Top Four!

West Ham 2 Spurs 1 

An early trip to my laptop at high noon for this one. It's the perfect start to the game as Bowen slings in a cross, Antonio gets between the centre backs to prod the ball at Lloris, who saves only for Michail to gobble up the rebound. One-nil to the Cockney Boys.

Kane fires wide and then has a half chance parried by Fabianski and Moura miscues when well-placed as Mourinho's men come at the Irons. But the team spirit is epitomised by Soucek who goes down after a clash of heads only to bounce back up again with a bloody head would, rather like The Terminator (Arnie not Julian).  After treatment he returns with a plaster on his wound. 

Dawson has a header well-saved by Lloris and at the break it remains 1-0. The second half begins with another Hammers goal that owes everything to the energy of Lingard. After winning the ball and exchanging passes with Fornals he rifles home a fine finish into the corner. The ref disallows it for offside but VAR eventually and correctly rules him onside. Cue a mock band celebration from the lads.

But with Bale on Spurs mount heavy pressure as West Ham fail to keep the ball. Lucas Moura pulls one back with a header in off the post from a corner, having got above Cresswell, and it looks ominous. Rice has to make a fantastic block and then Bale smacks the loose ball against the bar. Hammers have several heroes, notably Rice, Coufal, Soucek, Dawson and Diop as they defend their lead.  

The second half seems to go on forever. In added time Cofual's clearance rebounds off Son and on to the post. It really is going to be our day. We've ridden our luck to go an incredible fourth and Mourinho is presumably getting sacked in the morning. Poor old Spurs, the small north London team who have raised their game at a big club but gone away pointless.

As Moyes says, this team can play a lot better but these players just don't want to be beaten. Come on You Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 7, Dawson 8, Diop 7, Cresswell 6; Fornals 7 (Johnson 6), Rice 9, Lingard 8 (Noble n/a), Soucek 8; Bowen 7 (Benrahma 6), Antonio 8.

Defensive lapses send Spurs marching into next round of Carabao Cup

Perez pulls one back. Photo by Michael The Whovian

West Ham 1 Spurs 3 (Carabao Cup)

It’s a restrained four changes from Pellegrini, while Spurs field a number of reserves alongside the quality of Son, Alli and Eriksen. Our party is split due to tardy ticket booking, with Matt and Lisa several rows behind Fraser and myself and Michael some rows further forward delivering Shakespearian insults to himself. The laying of a wreath for the Leicester helicopter crash victims by Tony Cottee, David Gold and Ledley King is accompanied by a minute's silence.

The Hammers start quite well initially with Diangana causing problems on the right. His best moment sees Grady cut inside and loft in a cross that Hernandez tries to volley across goal to Antonio — perhaps he should have shot.

But it all goes wrong after 16 minutes. Ogbonna’s clearance goes to Llorente, and the centre back is then fooled by Alli’s clever flick as Son strikes confidently home. “Nice one Son!” chant the gleeful 4,800 Spurs fans.

For the rest of the half the Irons give it a go. Antonio, who is struggling for pace and touch but at least trying, has an effort deflected wide. Then he is played through by Masuaku’s fine through ball, but has his effort blocked by Gazzaniga. Diangana’s free kick finds Hernandez, only for Chicharito’s touch to let him down as he prods a tame effort at the keeper.

Snodgrass comes on for the disappointing Anderson at the break and it makes a difference. Antonio confuses the Spurs defence with a heavy touch, but still manages to force a save from the keeper.

Nine minutes into the second half the Hammers succumb to another defensive calamity as Arthur Masuaku misses his clearance and simply strokes the ball to Son who rounds Adrian to score.

Pellegrini takes off Hernandez and Obiang, which leaves us a little short in midfield, and throws on Perez and Arnautovic. Arnie immediately fires in a fizzing cross that is deflected behind for a corner.

FIGHT CLUB

Meanwhile the game is further marred by a fight behind us. A lairy bloke, who has been tirading in Tourette-ish fashion at Antonio and co for most of the game, appears to object when someone suggests that he get behind his team. The Herbert is being held back and is clearly out of control and full of aggression. A grey haired bloke ends up with a cut on his face as the cowardly thug threatens blokes twice his age. It takes an age for a single steward to arrive, who looks like a student. Eventually a second steward arrives and finally a team leader, but the miscreant only appears to be moved to a different seat rather than ejected.

There’s also a football match breaking out. A pinball session started by Arnie sees a series of shots blacked and saved. Suddenly the Hammers are back in it as Perez nods in Snoddy’s corner at the back post. It’s a good poacher’s goal, heading the ball down in to the ground and up over the keeper. “Come on you Irons!” echoes around the stadium and suddenly there’s a cracking atmosphere.

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE ON THE PITCH 

But as in politics, the idiots are taking over. A Herbert runs on to the pitch past non-existent stewarding to chants of “Are you Mark Noble?” from the away fans. Having helped deal with the pitch invader Ogbonna loses focus and allows Llorente to outmuscle him at the corner and volley home.

Game over, though there’s still time for Antonio to have a good case for a penalty after another dangerous Diangana cross causes panic in the box. “West Ham United — it’s happened again!” and “3-1 in your Cup Final!” chant the away fans. And another Herbert invades the pitch in added time.

So it’s off to the King Edward, which seems to be full of blokes in flat caps and quilted jackets and odd things going on in the gents. At least Michael, fresh from his Soft Cell venture can regale us with accounts of Tainted teddy bears, though it’s been mainly our defence that has been tainted tonight. I text Nigel to inform him that the Cup Final Breakfast in Kew has been postponed until May.

Looking at the stats we should have got something from this. Possession was 50-50 and WHU had 13 shots to Spurs’ six and 11 corners to Spurs’ three. But if you don’t defend well you don’t win matches.

It’s the return of Joe Hart next in the six-pointer against Burnley. We retreat to the tube predicting that Joe will surely have the game of his life on Saturday.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 6; Fredericks 5, Diop 6, Ogbonna 4, Masuaku 4; Rice 7, Obiang 5 (Perez 6), Anderson 5 (Snodgrass 7); Diangana 6, Hernandez 5 (Arnautovic 6), Antonio 5.

Lloris heroics edge it for Spurs

West Ham 0 Tottenham 1

It's in to Westfield where daughter Nell spends a long time seeking out Urban Outfitters and gets a new pair of trousers – the best result of the day. Inside the stadium we find Fraser (whose gag about a half and half England/Ireland scarf for Declan Rice I've shamelessly recycled in the Observer), Matt, Lisa, Nigel and Alison and Scott, who are enjoying life in 'middle-class' Clacton. Michael's away giving a Memorial Lecture, presumably on West Ham's Europa League hopes.

For the first 25 minutes it's fairly even, with West Ham's best chance being when Yarmolenko's cross is pulled back to Snodgrass, whose goalbound shot is cleared by Alderweireld. A couple of terrible Anderson corners don't help WHU's momentum. The Spurs fans amuse themselves by chanting, "you're not West Ham anymore!"

Yarmolenko suddenly collapses in the box when there's a half-chance having caught his studs in the turf. He's stretchered off and it looks like yet another long-term injury to go with Lanzini, Wilshere, Reid, Carroll and Sanchez. Pellegrini makes a bold substitution, bringing on young Diangana instead of Antonio.

We're missing the influence of Obiang in midfield and Spurs come into towards the end of the half. Two minutes before the break the impressive Sissoko glides past a toiling Anderson and crosses on to the head of Lamela, who has got ahead of Zabaleta. The Spurs man glances it home. It should be two a couple of minutes later as Fabianski makes a superb double save to deny Lamela and then Sanchez. 

West Ham start strongly after the break, as Cresswell does well to win a loose ball and cross for Arnautovic's looping header to force a fantastic tip over from Lloris. Spurs look dangerous on the break and strong at the back, but we give it a go, despite the central midfield of Rice and Noble being overrun at times. Diangana shows confidence in his ability to take on a man and draw fouls and is a little unlucky with a penalty claim after a tackle from Winks.

THE SUN ALSO RISES
It's a bit sunny for the lads, and the fans too, as we struggle to see through the glare. What idiot purchased these seats? Matt quips that the bloke at the reservation centre also said we'd be getting £350m to spend on the NHS.

The Vicar's Son next to me helpfully advises Martin Atkinson to take early retirement while the geezer behind us, who is probably not a vicar's son, lays into Anderson with a set of expletives. When Anderson lets a ball drift into touch he's finally substituted. He looks jaded again and is such a frustrating player, either brilliant or a bit rubbish from week to week. 

Arnautovic forces another good low save from Llloris after getting in a shot from the edge of the box. Sub Javier Hernandez and Arnautovic link up well to allow Hernandez to score only for he goal to be correctly disallowed for offside. The WHU fan who chucked a smoke bomb feels a bit silly. Still, the crowd do their bit and it's one of the louder games at the London Stadium.

ARNIE WOE
Sub Antonio causes some problems by getting down the left wing, though his crosses fail to find a man. But a chance will surely come, and it does in added time as Chicharito and Arnie play a nice give and go to leave Arnie one-on-one, only for Lloris to charge out and save with his face. There's still time for Antonio to shoot just over from distance before the whistle.

We'll play worse than this and win. Spurs look what they are, a top four side, but Diop and Balbuena have made some excellent tackles and kept Kane quiet, while Lloris has had to be at peak form to deny Arnie. The injury list is worrying, but now is the time to realise it's a work in progress and for Pellegrini to keep faith. We could have got more from both Brighton and Spurs. With a little bit of luck things should turn again. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Zabaleta 6, Diop 7, Balbuena 7, Cresswell 6; Rice 6, Noble 5 (Antonio 5), Snodgrass 6; Anderson 4 (Hernandez 6), Arnautovic 7, Yarmolenko 5 (Diangala 6).

Hammers show spirit but too late to deny Spurs

West Ham 2 Tottenham 3

Steve the Cornish Postie has already provided plenty of colour for the blog by posting his ticket to the wrong address, but after some frantic knocking on my neighbours' doors, I'm able to hand it over to Lisa by the H Block sign. Hopefully West Ham's delivery will be better. 

Matt and Lisa are preparing for a week of living Danishly, Ryan Air permitting. I explain that The Little Book of Hygge recommends comfy socks, slippers, a warm fire and generally relaxing like the West Ham defence. They report huge queues in the Clyde Best Cafe where they've been caught out by the early kick-off. Alison's in Brighton preparing to govern. Nigel's opted for a pre-match pastie costing the price of his house while I've found a reassuringly cheap £2.50 egg and bacon sandwich for my daughter Nell at the burger bar by Tank in Hackney Wick.

The big team news is that Carroll is dropped to the bench. For the first half an hour West Ham match Spurs for intensity and probably have the better of the game. Arnautovic is foiled in the box by a fine tackle (and some shirt tugging) from Aurier while Kane misses a good chance at the other end. The key moment comes when Antonio goes off with a groin strain and is replaced by Andy Carroll.

HAMMERS GET KANED
On half an hour big Andy is still feeling his way into the game as he plays a blind pass inside. Kouyate gets out of the way and the ball falls to Eriksen. The Spurs playmaker releases Alli, who has got behind Cresswell, and his cross is flicked in by Kane who has lost Ogbonna. 

"We just need to keep it to 1-0 at half-time," announces Mystic Morris, just as Kane doubles Spurs lead. More hesitation leads to Eriksen and Kane playing in Alli on the left, who fires against the onrushing Joe Hart. Kane has lost his marker again and taps home the rebound. 

At half-time Nigel and myself discus the Climber's Traverse of Bowfell, and West Ham have been left a similar mountain to climb. It gets worse as Kane hits the post from a free kick and as the ball is half-cleared Eriksen shoots home first time. It looks like being another Man City-style 5-0 home drubbing at this stage as Kane hits the post again.

But at least West Ham show some spirit. Zabaleta for one never stops trying, and there's some hope when Fonte flicks on a corner and Chicharito nods home with his first effort on target. A good poacher's goal. It starts to get a bit tasty when Aurier is sent off for a second yellow after clattering Carroll. To give Big Andy some credit, he's kept going after his early error and is drawing a lot of fouls. 

PENALTY SHOUT
Chicharito draws another save from Lloris with a stinging drive. "Come on you Irons!" cries a revived crowd. Masuaku has come on for Fonte and plays wide on the left. With three minutes left Arthur gets in a superb cross that Kouyate thumps home with a towering header. 


The Hammers really give it a go for the last seven minutes, forcing corners from which Reid and Noble blaze over. There's a good case for a late penalty as Carroll is nudged when going for a header and then a late melee after Carroll is fouled again. There's not huge contact, but at Southampton just such a decision was awarded against West Ham. But Spurs hold out and despite the signs of team spirit, we can't give quality teams three-goal leads. So Swansea become yet another must-win match.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hart 6; Zabaleta 6, Fonte 5 (Masuaku 6), Reid 6, Ogbonna 4, Cresswell 5; Noble 6, Kouyate 6; Antonio 5 (Carroll 6), Hernandez 7, Arnautovic 6 (Ayew 6). 

Tottenham Hotspur, it's happened again…

Winston and Ginge keep Spurs in their pockets

West Ham 1 Spurs 0

The concourse is full of fans shouting “Irons!” and there's no mistaking the mood of expectation, bouyed by Irons ale. Our team tonight is Fraser, Michael, Lisa and a tardy Nigel, who has been delayed speculating if West Ham can hold on to London East. He arrives to find himself next to a tourist fan wearing a half and half scarf. Wonder if they do them for West Ham and Millwall? 

Alison’s away on a hen night not watching the Chippendales and is replaced by sociologist turned student landlady Roz, who sensibly declares what great seats we have. Scott’s got a bet on Lanzini to score in a 1-0 win after 58 minutes that will win him £5000. While Matt’s had to work and is watching in a boozer with lots of Spurs fans.

From the kick-off the Hammers appear up for it against Spurs as tackles clatter in from both sides. It’s a surprise that it’s 19 minutes before we hear “get up you tart!" from the gentleman behind us.

Ayew plays in Lanzini for an early shot that he fires wide, but the signs are promising, as Kouyate and Noble out-muscle Spurs in midfield. Though Noble is lucky to only to get a yellow for one lunge, The key moment comes after 25 minutes, when West Ham repel three Spurs shots. Adrian Spills Kane’s shot, Fonte makes a brilliant block as the ball falls to Alli and then Adrian tips away Kane’s effort with his foot.

After that Lloris takes out Lanzini on the edge of the box and Kouyate shoots wide from the rebound. Bizarrely the ref doesn’t punish the Spurs keeper.

AIN'T NOBODY LIKE LANZINI 

West Ham gain a lot of belief in the second half. Adrian has to save from Son, but it’s still tight as Ayew shoots over. The 58^th minute comes and goes without Scott wining his five grand. But Lanzini does oblige seven minutes later. Cresswell plays in a cross, Ayew scuffs it off a defender and the ball falls to Lanzini, who gleefully shoots home. Manuel runs to the corner and is enveloped by fans and players as a hoarding collapses. As the ground celebrates paramedics rush to help prostrate fans. Lucky Andy Carroll isn’t playing as he might have become the first WHU player to meet his demise thanks to a hoarding.

West Ham’s three centre backs look really solid with Ginge making several heroic clearances as he channels Gandalf minus staff. Calleri almost makes it two after winning the ball from Alderweireld, as his effort is tipped away by Lloris.

WE'RE ALL HAVING A PARTY… 

“Come on you Irons!”, Bubbles and “Tottenham Hotspur, it’s happened again!” echo around a ground that suddenly feels like Upton Park under the lights. Many thousands of people seem to be considering having a party when Tottenham effed it up.

You know we’re probably playing in a parallel universe when Calleri, who has given Alderweireld and Vertongen a real battle, goes off and receives a standing ovation.

There’s still time for Fletcher, on as a late sub to get through only to see his effort deflected wide. The final whistle blows after five nervy minutes and the London Stadium erupts. Finally we have that big scalp and Bilic has silenced any doubts about his position. We’re not only staying up, West Ham go up to ninth, and might be making a late charge for the title.

For the first time ever there’s a chorus of Bubbles on the Overground from Hackney Wick and chants of “Irons!” at Highbury and Islington tube. Strange days indeed.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 7; Byram 7, Reid 7, Collins 8, Fonte 7, Cresswell 7; Noble 7, Kouyate 8, Lanzini 8 (Fernandes n/a); Ayew 7 (Snodgrass 6), Calleri 7 (Fletcher n/a).

Tottenham Hotspur… it's happened again!

West Ham 1 Tottenham 0

There’s another big queue in Ken’s Café, but Lisa and myself get our orders in by 6.30pm hoping to avoid another missed kick-off. There’s a bloke opposite us who says that he’s been coming in Ken’s since 1979 and wonders when it first opened. I’m able to tell him that according to the newly-discovered Ken Café Facebook page, it’s been going for 47 years, since 1969. We then discuss the absurdity of selling half and half scarves for this game.

Michael the Renaissance Fan arrives carrying a Rough Trade bag containing X-Ray Audio, a book about Russian music fans who made bootlegs on x-ray plates. Bit of a niche market that. His big breakfast arrives suspiciously quickly and we suspect that he might finally have qualified for VIP treatment from Carol.

Then there’s a late appearance from Nigel, who’s been warm weather training in Dubai, where he managed to see Toto live. He’s also very pleased to have watched the Metropolitan Police play at Imber Court, where they presumably got out of jail after some criminal defending.

We try to get to the East Stand only to be turned away by riot police. It all seems a bit over the top, with the Moore, Hurst and Peters statue being boarded up and police vans all the way up an unnecessarily congested Green Street. Even Fraser misses the kick off for the first time in living memory.

MICHAIL WINS HIS SPURS 

It’s a cracking atmosphere, as chants of Bubbles, “Come on you Irons!”, “Who are yer!” and “Lasagne…. whoooah!” ring out in the riotous theatre of E13. We score after just seven minutes. Lanzini forces a corner. From Payet’s kick Antonio loses Chadli to head in off the post, with Lloris slow to react. Michail runs to the Chicken Run and does another strange dance routine — apparently the Carlton Dance from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air — as Upton Park erupts.

 “This is almost as good as watching the Met Police,” suggests Nigel.

It’s a really impressive first half from West Ham. Bilic has made a clever tactical tweak, playing Kouyate in the back three with Antonio and Cresswell as wing backs. The team work immensely hard and out press Tottenham at their own game. Emenike closes down Lloris and almost forces an error to show our intent. Noble has another long-range humdinger pushed wide and only a last-ditch tackle denies Antonio. Emenike works the channels well, with Wimmer booked for bringing him down. 

We’re a bit mystified as to what to complain about at half-time, though Nigel, munching a lucky smoked salmon bagel, counsels caution as Spurs will surely improve in the second half.

ADRIAN'S WALL 

Sure enough, Spurs start brightly with Adrian having to parry Alderweireld’s long-range effort and Kane missing the rebound. Eriksen then cuts in from the right to force another save from the Hammers’ custodian. But we retain our work rate with Obiang and Noble excelling in midfield and Antonio never stopping running. Emenike is brought down by Wimmer, when he could possibly get a shot in, and the crowd demand a red card. Instead the ref awards a free kick to Spurs. Good job Matt, working on the night shift, wasn’t here to see that. “Fie on your face, referee!” suggests Michael, our resident Shakespearian.

Antonio prods a Payet free kick over the bar, before James Collins has to go off injured to be replaced by young Reece Oxford. A big test for the youngster in the last 25 minutes but he’s assured throughout. Then we’re getting Sakho in the evening as Diafra replaces Lanzini and Andy Carroll comes on for Emenike. Harry Kane slashes a cross wide to the derision of the home fans as cries of “Super Slaven Bilic!” fill Upton Park.

YOU'RE GONNA WIN F**K ALL

There’s four minutes of added time as Cresswell shoots over and the Bobby Moore Stand break into a rousing, “Fuck all! You’re gonna win fuck all!” Sakho runs it into the corners, which he’s good at.

The whistle blows to huge acclaim as Slaven’s men leave the pitch. That’s our last ever Upton Park win against Spurs and it’s been some night. Fraser suggests we’re making a late bid for the title. And I think we’re definitely safe now on 46 points…

We retreat to the Central where the barmaid is baffled by a request for Old Speckled Hen and we’re joined by Nigel’s chastened Spurs-supporting mate Andy and his son Tom. Michael suggests that standards are dropping at the Central as there’s no woman selling dodgy dvds and no clearing the tables early for backpackers’ breakfasts. Nigel offers support for this by saying he’s discovered soap in the Gents. But we're so happy we can cope with anything. Meanwhile the TV provides astonishing proof that we’re only one point off fourth sport.

As we leave the Central and traipse past the illuminated stands of the Boleyn, Fraser lights a celebratory cigar. Tottenham Hotspur, it’s happened again…

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 8; Kouyate 9, Ogbonna 8, Collins 8 (Oxford 8); Antonio 9, Payet 8, Noble 9, Obiang 8, Lanzini 8 (Sakho 7); Emenike 8 (Carroll 7).