Greek Bloke gifts Irons bonus point against City

West Ham 1 Manchester City 1 

Having been made an offer I couldn't refuse your correspondent was in Sicily for this one. It was certainly a tense evening waiting for phone updates while dining out on trofie pasta with local tomatoes and ricotta cheese, which is certainly one more trofie than Spurs will win. 

Watching the highlights the three centre backs played really well, while the Hammers also managed to overcome the loss of Crysencio Summerville. Nuno brings in an extra defender and plays Pablo to nullify Jimmy's loss, though with hindsight it now doesn't seem that wise to have brought Summerville on against Brentford.

City take the lead with what is surely a cross from Bernardo Silva, the ball looping up and over a flailing Hermansen. Credit to the Irons for an instant response. After winning a corner Donnarumma gets under the ball and the Greek Bloke raises like the colossus of Stratford to head in off the bar. A great moment for Dinos who is unrecognisable from the error-prone defender of last season. Semenyo misses a good chance and it's level at the break.

The second half sees relentless City pressure but West Ham defend superbly. A simple thing like the fact our defenders now celebrate tackles and clearances seems to have made all the difference. Hermansen makes a really good low save to defy Erling Haaland. The Greek Bloke thwarts Nunes with a saving tackle and then takes a Haaland shot full in the face to show his commitment. Hermansen tips a City free kick on to the bar and Guehi shoots over before West Ham earn a bonus point and move out of the bottom three for 24 hours.

Disasi and Todibo have also had fine games while Fernandes has battled well and Bowen has as ever chased everything. Nuno got his subs right too, with Magassa coming on after Pedro had completed his shift. No-one expected West Ham to get anything from this and we might also just have won the league for Arsenal.

On Match of the Day it's good to see Konstantinos Mavropanos, who might be related to the Greek Bloke, earn the praise of the pundits. The only expensive problem is that I might now have to go to Sicily for every game to bring us luck. With Spurs earning an annoying point at Liverpool and Forest and Leeds also drawing we're still right in the relegation fight. But that's now just two defeats in 12 games. Keep this up and we can do it.

City end West Ham's unbeaten run

West Ham 1 Manchester City 3 

The London Stadium is sweltering as Paolo Di Canio comes on to the pitch to lead the crowd in his version of Bubbles. Nigel is away scouting in France and Michael is on a secret mission who knows where, which means Matt, Lisa, Fraser and myself are joined by The Gav and Big Sam, fresh from relegating Leeds. 

Matt and Lisa have already seen West Ham Under-18s beat Celtic 5-0 on Friday night and West Ham Under-21s win 5-2 in the morning. So they're taking it easy with just three game this weekend. Matt and myself are wearing our Prague t-shirts while Big Sam models his limited edition white and orange Europa Conference Final replica shirt. 

It looks ominous in the sixth minute after a City corner, when Areola has to save Rodri's header, then block Foden's effort, watch as Soucek hooks a Haaland effort off the line and then make a great tip over from Diaz's effort. All that's missing is the Who singing Pinball Wizard. Haaland then strokes a gilt-edged chance wide of the post. City also seem to be getting lots of decisions. "Grealish isn't even playing and he's already gone down three times," quips Matt.

But slowly West Ham come into the game. Bowen whips in a corner that Soucek flicks on, and Aguerd just fails to get on the end of it. "Come on you Irons!" booms a positive home crowd. Emerson sets up Ward-Prowse for a low shot at Ederson. 

KING JAMES

Astonishingly West Ham take the lead after 36 minutes. Bowen gets possession after poor control from Doku and cleverly sends Coufal down the right. The full back plays in a great cross for thew un-tracked Ward-Prowse to head home. That's two goals and three assists for JWP in five games - and he's not even had a free-kick to take yet. "Champions of Europe - we know what we are!" chants the crowd. 

There's another scare before half-time as Doku gets in an inviting cross but Haaland allows Aguerd to clear his scuffed effort off the line. With Haaland misfiring and Areola inspired we're dreaming of another low-possession victory at half-time. 

But 43 seconds into the second half City score. Doku, who, looks a future star, isolates Coufal, cuts inside and makes the finish look easy. Alvarez hits the post with a superb free-kick and then Areola has to make another fine save from a flying Haaland volley.

But the Irons show some character to still create chances. A brilliant through ball from Paqueta releases Antonio, but Michail's touch is too heavy and allows Ederson to block. Emerson almost gets through and his deflected shot wins a corner. Ward-Prowse whips it in and Ederson makes an excellent one-handed save from Zouma's towering header. 

NO SILVA LINING

But it's very difficult to defend perfectly for 90 mins against the Champions-elect. The game is effectively over after 76 minutes when Alvarez scoops the ball over the defence, Aguerd mis-times his jump and Bernardo Silva nips in behind him to lob over Areola.  

Areola has to make another great save from Haaland's volley after a Walker cross. Benrahma and Kudus are on, but don't have a great deal of impact. Gavin claims an assist for City's third, saying that Haaland seems to be having an off-day. West Ham's press doesn't work, City break on the left and Haaland whacks the resulting cross into the bottom corner.

At least we gave them a game. We escape the heat by retiring to the Eagle at Leyton. The chilled East London Pale Ale is refreshing and we enjoy some good music banter over Tayto crisps, covering Peter Perrett, Bernie Taupin, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Julian Cope and stone circles, Reg Presley and Joe Henry, plus the time Matt hid under the table with James Brown as skinheads battled the Redskins.

Ten points from five games is not a bad return and City are going to turn over a lot of teams. Liverpool away isn't likely to yield many points either, but let's now enjoy the visit of mighty Bakola Topola (even Matt hasn't heard of them) on Thursday. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 8; Coufal 5, Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 7; Paqueta 7, Soucek 6 (Ings n/a), Alvarez 6 (Benrahma 5), Ward-Prowse 7, Bowen 6, Antonio 6 (Kudus 5).

Haaland dispatches subdued Hammers

West Ham 0 Manchester City 2

In the Best Cafe Michael and Nigel are ordering double halloumi baguettes and chips for a tardy Matt and Lisa. Matt has worked his customary magic at the Euros by saying England haven't done much at corners just before Chloe Kelly scored, while Lisa is making her debut as a season ticket holder (what has she done?). 

Nigel is full of interesting stats from the Times, including the fact that Nikola Vlasic tops the list for appearances without playing a full 90 minutes last season, and that Brighton are playing four teams called United in their first four fixtures (Manchester, Newcastle, West Ham and Leeds) for the first time in 48 years. Not a lot of people know that.

There's almost a programme disaster as we arrive at the ground only to see the last programme being sold. Matt remains Zen-like, but Nigel and myself desperately search inside the security zone for more and eventually find a last box on sale in the WHU tent. Nigel barges into the queue, elbows aside a few children and grannies and manages to buy our progs — even though it's gone up to four quid. What will Liz Truss do to tackle programme inflation?

Inside the stadium we're joined by Fraser, wearing a natty Albert Steptoe/David Essex-style  neckerchief, possibly in celebration of Moyes finally buying a striker. Sadder news is that Alison and Scott have retired with Mark Noble, though West Ham will surely buy them back for a massive fee in a few years' time.

West Ham have a decent first two minutes, force a corner and then see Antonio head over from Fornals' cross. After that City take control, with full-backs Cancelo and Walker pushed into midfield and Lanzini, Fornals, Soucek and Rice outnumbered and outthought.

Haaland almost gets his head to Foden's cross as it becomes attack versus defence and the Grealish Sniper reappears. Fabianski has to go off after injuring his hip while making a brave punch and is replaced by Areola. When Gundogan plays Haaland through, the substitute keeper hesitates for a second and then brings down the £51m striker. Haaland confidently dispatches the penalty and does a sit-down meditation celebration — possibly in honour of Matt's new found indifference to pleasure, pain and programme collecting. 

At half-time Nigel deploys his lucky banana and the Irons have a slightly better start to the second half. The key moment comes when Rice gets under the ball and fires over the bar when he should have scored. 

SCAMA THE HAMMER

Subs Scamacca and Benrahma at least give City something different to think about. The big Italian tests Ederson with a fine header only to be ruled offside. He is a handful and despite his lack of pre-season games looks like he can adapt quickly to the PL. Benrahma also tests Ederson with a low shot, but with space now available the inevitable happens. Rodri finds De Bruyne, who dissects the West Ham centre-backs with a fine ball. Haaland shifts the ball on to his left foot and strokes home. "We're not really here!" sing the away fans.

After that it's a question of how many City will get on a very hot afternoon. It's been a strangely passive performance against a great team. When I remark that our pressing game isn't working Michael says, quite accurately, "we're playing a de-pressing game." 

There's nearly a fight behind us as the over-aggressive fan who has been giving expletive-laden advice to the side to just effing run (not that wise in 27C) is told to just say it in his head by a man whose patience has snapped. There's a lot of Boris-style bluster as the Vicar's Son asks, "why can't some fans just stay positive?"

Haaland misses a good chance to get a hat-trick and Coventry and Downes make their PL debuts in a minute-long cameo. West Ham scored in every home PL game last season, now that record has been blown in one match. To be fair, the Irons have been without the much-missed Dawson, Aguerd and Diop, who has shoddily "not made himself available" according to Moyes, while Scamacca and Cornet will improve the side. This result does not define our season and at least we only have to play City once more. 

We walk via the giant bell exit to the Eagle at Leyton – a decent boozer with plenty of room and the Who on the jukebox, even if it's lacking in decent beers. The landlady is friendly and one customer who announces, "I'm a born-again virgin!' seems to have taken a shine to our table. Inspired by the fracas behind us at the LS, Matt reminisces about rows between our own supporters, including the time a fan announced that Mattie Etherington was the worst player he had ever seen, only to be quickly corrected with a list of numerous WHU non-legends.

The game against Forest and Brighton will give us a much better idea of how the season will go. But this was nothing like the team that disrupted City in the 2-2 draw at the end of last season and a rapid improvement is now needed.

PLYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6 (Areola 5); Coufal 5, Zouma 6, Johnson 5, Cresswell 5; Rice 6, Soucek 5; Fornals 5 (Coventry n/a), Lanzini 5 (Benrahma 6), Bowen 5 (Downes n/a); Antonio 5 (Scamacca 6).

Beating City… it's so good, so good!

West Ham 0 Manchester City 0 (Carabao Cup) (West Ham win 5-3 on pens) 

It's down to the diehards for this £15 spectacular. Hipsters Matt and Lisa have been drinking cocktails and enjoying vegan burgers at the Lock Inn at Hackney Wick, Fraser joins us in the ground, Nigel is away curating his heavy metal collection and Michael the Whovian is trying to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow while visiting his dad. In a testament to the loyalty of West Ham fans it's another sell-out, despite being the third home game in six days. 

The line-ups seem ominous, with City fielding a very strong side and West Ham resting Antonio, Rice and most of the first team. With only Yarmolenko up front the Hammers sit deep early on, though Noble does get a shot away at Steffen, with City then breaking and Dawson making a saving tackle to foil De Bruyne. 

The Mancunians enjoy 64 per cent possession in the 90 minutes and fashion two late chances in the first half. Palmer has a shot saved by the feet of Areola and Ake misses a good headed chance after a free kick. Mystic May suggests that penalties are our best chance of winning it.

It's a lively start to the second half as Masuaka fires a cross come shot wide and Gundogan shoots wide when he should score. But the Irons are starting to play with belief as Masuaku fires a shot at Steffen and Yarmolenko 's effort from the rebound is blocked by a last-ditch tackle.

WE'RE NOT REALLY HERE?

Then it becomes the Areola show. The Fonz first saves De Bruyne's deflected shot with his feet and then makes a brilliant reaction save to keep out Stones' header. At the other end good work by Noble, Cresswell and Vlasic sets up Soucek only for Tomas to slice wide. He can't buy a goal at the moment.

Moyes senses he can win it, bringing on Fornals, Benrahma and Bowen (who is apparently good friends with Dani Dyer). Rather more ominously City bring on Grealish, Foden and Jesus. Areola then has to save with his feet from Gundogan and then tips over a rasping effort from Zinchenko. 

"Come on you Irons!" reverberates around the stadium as the atmosphere goes up a notch. Surely we can't knock out the side that has won the Carabao Cup four years in succession?West Ham have a late chance to win it as Fornals sets up Soucek for another slice wide.

The three minutes of added time get rather nerve-wracking as City win a free-kick. The  initial effort is blocked and then Jesus plants a header straight at Areola. Former Culture Club drummer Jonathan Moss blows his whistle and it's a penalty shoot-out.

HE SHOOTS HE SCORES!

As we've all know since the 2006 FA Cup Final, West Ham don't win penalty shoot-outs. But what's this? Noble confidently puts the first penalty down the middle to score. Then Foden hits his penalty wide. Bowen scores even though Steffen gets a hand to it, before City pull one back. Up steps Craig Dawson, who puts his body on the line every game and shows true bottle here, to power home a typically no-nonsense penalty. Cresswell converts the fourth, then Grealish scores and it's 4-3. If Benrahma nets the fifth penalty we've won it. Said steps up and confidently dispatches it into the top corner before running to his family in the corner and sparking mayhem.

If the theories of quantum physics are correct and there are a series of multiverses, then we seem to have entered a different one where West Ham win penalty shoot-outs. Perhaps like the City fans we're not really here. City have lost their first Carabao Cup tie in five years. Bubbles and Sweet Caroline plays on the PA. Three wins in six days! 

The spirit in the side has been immense. Yes, City have battered us at times, but Areola has been brilliant in goal and Diop and Dawson have been excellent at the back. Winning has become a habit.

A great night is rounded off by finding the Black Bull is half-empty as all the people with kids have gone home. It's cash only, but we have enough to order pints of tasty Titanic porter, having sunk the luxury cruise ship that was Man City. No doubt we'll get Liverpool away in the next round, but having seen off both Manchester clubs we'll take on anybody. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 9; Johnson 8, Dawson 8, Diop 8, Cresswell 7, Masuaku 6 (Fornals 7); Noble 7, Soucek 6, Vlasic 6 (Benrahma 8) Lanzini 6 (Coufal 6); Yarmolenko 6 (Bowen 6).

Another fine point against City

West Ham 1 Manchester City 1

I listen to this one on Radio London, as do Matt and Lisa, while Nigel has found a new lucky pub with CQ at the Cricketers in Kew, Michael is the sole customer in the Black Prince in Kennington and Fraser is among gambling Irons fans at an Irish pub in Ilford. 

West Ham continue to give another disciplined performance against the team that normally beats us 5-0. We're ahead after 18 minutes when Soucek chases a loose ball to feed Coufal who crosses for Michail Antonio to score with a stunning overhead kick. Not quite as good as Andy Carroll's overhead against Palace but still a brilliant goal.

City seem out of sorts and there's even a spell of West Ham pressure late in the half with the Irons having a penalty appeal and the Radio London commentator declaring "and City defending with their lives", which isn't something I ever expected to hear.

Nigel WhatsApps to say that WHU have been the better team for long stretches of the first half, while Michael the Whovian comments: "Line of five, line of four, sole attacker, but lots of wing-back forays... most striking aspect is the team spirit."

City have taken off Aguoro and replaced him with Foden. The City youngster scores a great equaliser seven minutes into the second half, turning instantly to shoot home after Cancelo (is he part of the Cancelo culture?) has outpaced Coufal on the left. When Antonio goes off a minute later feeling his iffy hamstring it looks bleak. Matt wonders if "Yarmolenko on for the injured Antonio" are the most depressing six words in the English language.

Twenty minutes of playing Bowen alone up front doesn't work and eventually Haller is brought on. The Hammers owe their point to a fine display from Fabianski. After Masuaku hangs on too long and loses the ball in midfield Sterling gets through but is foiled by a fine stop from Fab. The keeper then has to black Mahrez at his near post late on. At the lther end Fornals fails to lob Ederson. We'll take a point though. That's eight points from the last four games, when most pundits predicted we'd get none. Irons!

City overwhelm passive Hammers

A rare moment of hope as Cresswell score

West Ham 1 Man City 4

I’m with daughter Nell and Citeh fan John at the German deli in Hackney Wick where there’s a huge queue for the bratwurst. Then the gas runs out and there’s flustered staff and a lack of change for refunds. It seems to predict West Ham’s day, which goes from bad to wurst.

It’s on to the London Stadium where Matt reports similar chaos in the Best Café. Mystifyingly Moyes has dropped Masuaku for the 36-year-old Evra, depriving us of our best crosser.

West Ham start off passively, sitting back but without any pressing. Moyes’ game plan soon disintegrates as Sane’s shot takes a fortunate deflection off Evra’s head to beat the helpless Adrian. City’s second is a comedy of errors as Adrian rushes from goal and is stranded by Sane. Ogbonna appears to clear the danger but then Cresswell allows Sterling an age to play in De Bruyne, whose hard low cross is bundled in by a combination of Rice, with his angles all wrong, and poor old Zabaleta.

Arnautovic does have the ball in the City net after bundling over Ederson, but the goal is disallowed, probably correctly. Arnie and Lanzini combine nicely to almost set up Cresswell. But that seems to rouse West Ham a little as Lanzini starts to make some decent runs. Fernandes should have a penalty when he’s brought down in the box, but the ref gives it outside the box. It doesn’t matter because Cresswell fires in a fine free-kick. It’s been a better last 15 minutes before the break, but West Ham have just made City angry.

LAYING ON THE CROSS FOR JESUS

After the break Jesus plays a brilliant ball through to Sterling who pulls back for Jesus to score. Sterling has a penalty appeal wrongly turned down. A few minutes later Sterling sets up Fernandinho for the fourth. City’s passing is on a different planet to West Ham and De Bruyne is a joy to watch, with Sane and Sterling brilliant on the flanks. And at least City fan John is enjoying it. But even so, it’s a horribly passive performance from the Irons.

"Pre-season starts in July!" shouts one irate fan. Three subs come on and Mario miscontrolling a great cross from Masuaku seems to sum up our malaise. The lack of alternatives to Noble and Kouyate in central midfield becomes even more glaring. Chicharito strolls around obviously annoyed not to have been give a starting slot after scoring against Chelsea, but there’s still no excuse for his unprofessional performance here, as Alan Shearer later points out on MOTD. Hugill would at least show enthusiasm.

WE'RE ALL DOOMED

Thankfully City take it easy after that. If WHU don’t show more passion we’re going down. We retreat to the Railway for pints of Doom Bar to match the fact we’re doomed. At least we get a seat and it’s reasonably priced compared to the Refreshment Rooms. We muse in moribund fashion over the sale of James Tomkins, which is when our demise seemed to start, and reminisce about the good old days of sacking Avram Grant after the Wigan game. 

We didn’t expect anything against City, but even so, West Ham have to be so much better against Leicester if we are to survive.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 5; Zabaleta 4, Ogbonna 5, Rice 5, Evra 4 (Masuaku 5), Cresswell 5; Fernandes 5 (Hernandez 3), Kouyate 4, Noble 4, Lanzini 5 (Mario 4); Arnautovic 5.

Jesus punishes West Ham for defensive sins

West Ham 0 Manchester City 4

After two wins we enter the London Stadium dreaming of vengeance for our 5-0 FA Cup defeat. Fraser has ten cigars, just in case, Alison has ended her strike and returned to the fold, while we’re also joined by Michael and Lisa. Though Nigel has had a narrow escape, as he misses the match through being tied up with Theresa May and Brexit.

West Ham start off fairly well and win several second balls. It takes until the 17^th minute for the gentleman behind us to come out with his first, “Get up you tart!” The ref does seem to be treating City with too much respect.

But it all starts to resemble a rewind of the Cup game when Cresswell plays a terrible pass inside to De Bruyne. The lino misses the fact Cressy is fouled trying to get back, but De Bruyne punishes the error by playing a one-two with Jesus and strokes home the first. Four minutes later Sane nutmegs Byram, powers past Fonte and crosses for Silva to score. It’s all over by half-time as Obiang’s poor ball to Feghouli is intercepted by Sane. He plays in Sterling, who lays on the cross for Jesus to score as the Hammers claim offside.

JESUS WEPT 

The Hammers’ only chance comes when Carroll does well to find Cresswell, only for the left-back to scoop over the bar. City have dropped Aguero and their young front line of Jesus, Sane and Sterling have been sensational, but it’s still far too easy for them. There are huge gaps between our exposed full-backs and the centre backs and this was surely a game to revert to a back five rather than 4-4-2.

We’re joined at half-time by an irate Matt who is complaining about another wasted transfer window. Not even the news that Vera Lynn has a new album out can boost him, though he does suggest that at 100-years-old she is in the age bracket that might appeal to our owners.

Fonte fouls Sterling in the box and Toure nets the spot kick after 67 minutes and then it's just a case of can we avoid another five-goal defeat. Still it’s not as if anyone has to follow this with a night train to Cornwall — apart from Steve the Cornish postman that is.

CAN THEY PLAY US EVERY WEEK? 

Michael suggests that we have become the Premiership’s low-grade bullies; great at giving Hull and Palace a Chinese burn, but meekly handing over our dinner money whenever confronted by the big boys. Alison says she’s once again in a room full of really angry men and wonders if, having missed the Chelsea and Palace games, she’s a bad weather supporter.

The only slight positive is that Antonio keeps trying and Snodgrass comes on and gets in a decent cross or two. And the fans appear to be getting used to the London Stadium. There’s a rousing “We are West Ham’s claret and blue army!” at 4-0 down and some gallows humour “oles” as we put together three passes in the 94^th minute.

So it’s off through the Tunnel of Doom to the King Edward where we’re greeted by a terrible karaoke singer doing I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues. “Just when you thought the evening couldn’t get any worse…” mutters Michael. We’re joined by a moribund Gavin and things are so bad that despite the karaoke Fraser, Michael and Gav decide to stay for a third pint at 11pm and risk the night bus. The only consolation is that we don’t have to play Man City again this season.

PLAYER RATINGS: Randolph 5, Byram 4, Reid 6, Fonte 4, Cresswell 4; Feghouli 4 (Fernandes 5), Noble 4, Obiang 4 (Snodgrass 5), Lanzini 5; Antonio 6, Carroll 5 (Fletcher 4).