Hammers down Swans in top-of-the-table clash

Swansea City 0 West Ham 1

A fantastic result against top-of-the-table Swansea in Wales, achieved while I was reducing my stress levels by watching Dulwich Hamlet versus Carshalton, a 2-2 draw. Nuno picked Pablo up front ahead of Taty and Piroe, played Kante in a much more advanced role, where he did well, and relied on a five-man midfield to stifle the Swans.

West Ham's goal owed a lot to Pablo being a pest in midfield, winning the ball for Musaka then taking the return and playing in Kante. Mo gets to the byline and produces a good cut back to allow Musaka to score. West Ham do get lucky though when from a free-kick melee, Cabango hits the bar, with the ball bouncing on the line.

The second half begins with a flurry of West Ham chances. Bowen forces a decent save from Vigouroux and Pablo fires just over. Kante does really well to set up Pablo who fires at the keeper when he should have tried lifting the ball over him.

Swansea create some good chances too. Centre-back Cabango miscues another good chance in front of goal and late on Ronald heads across goal when he should haver tried to score.

So it ends 1-0 with the sort of result that promotion teams grind out. My Swansea-supporting pal Huw reviewed the game with: "Fair enough. No complaints. Difference was that one moment of ruthless clarity which created your goal, but that doesn’t come from nothing. We had our moments, but never quite managed to match that, while you had that flurry around the hour with two or three chances. Smart tactical set-up in first half, high press gave us trouble playing out and restricted Stamenic, an important outlet for us."

West Ham are the top scorers in all four divisions with 30 goals, which is surprising as we've not got a prolific striker, but 14 players have contributed so far. Nuno must be doing something right. Another plus is that with Veltman and Morato replacing Walker-Peters and Scarles as full-backs the defence looks a much more difficult unit to break down, while Engels is covering a lot of ground in front of them. There's a long way to go but with two home games coming up there has to be cause for optimism. Irons!

The joy of six (part two)

Lincoln City 0 West Ham United 6 (six)

It's an evening at home with a bottle of Proper Job watching this, with Sky TV obviously hoping for an upset. Strangely, Gillingham manager and Sky pundit Gareth Ainsworth appears to be dressed for a role as Legolas in Lord of the Rings. While it’s nice to see ex-Hammer Chris Cohen on the bench as Lincoln’s joint manager.

Thankfully the predicted giant-killing doesn't occur as after two minutes Hamer hammers Veltman with a two-footed lunge and is immediately shown a red card. That wasn't very Impish. The Irons struggle to break down the ten men of Lincoln as I WhatsApp my West Ham group with a Big Sam-style warning that, "it's always difficult to play against ten men." 

On 23 minutes defender McGrandles miscues and Bowen is in on goal. The Lincoln man brings him down and it's another inevitable red card. It's always difficult to play against nine men. The Hammers do indeed lack inspiration for the rest of the half. Kante heads a great chance wide from a corner, Solomon can't get in the game and Engels overhits his dead balls, while Bowen is shackled by two defenders.

Thankfully the Hammers make the breakthrough on half time. Bowen's corner is headed home by the Greek Bloke for Dinos' fifth goal of the season, with Piroe doing well to block off the keeper. Five goals in five games, Mavropanos is outscoring soon-to-be Northern League striker Erling Haaland.

ON ME EDVIN

Nuno makes a good call at half-time taking off defender Morato and bringing on an extra attacker in Austbo. Asbo makes an instant impact cutting in from the left and firing home a superb dipping shot in off the bar. A minute later Bowen gets a shot off that deflects in off a defender. By this stage I'm confident of at least a point.

The Hammers still lack a Paqueta-type passer and don't have much luck trying to free Piroe or sub Castellanos in the middle. But the patient approach pays off when Pablo heads home from a corner for his first league goal. 

The final bonus is the arrival of super sub Tomas Soucek, who has just signed a new contract. His first goal is a clever shot lifted over the leg of a tackling defender. The sixth goal and Tomas's second arrives when keeper Wickens can't hold a Kilman cross and Soucek is on hand to tap home and celebrate with his trademark windmill. It might be safe to look at the league table now. Tomas is going to score a lot of goals in this division. Ever the nice guy, he hands his shirt to a young girl at the end.

Michael and Lisa send a selfie from the new lucky pub of the Wellington in Waterloo. This is West Ham's joint best away victory ever, only matched by the 6-0 away victory at Leicester in 1923, and no, I wasn't there. You wait all season for a 6-0 victory and then two come along at once. We're the division's top scorers with 14 different players (including one own goal) finding the net this season.

Yes, we should beat nine men and the first half wasn't great, but you have to beat what's in front of you and you can't sniff at a 6-0 away win. A stiffer test will come at top of the table Swansea City on Saturday but this result must be a big confidence booster. Irons!

A tale of two penalties

West Ham 1 QPR 1 

In the Best Meze Cafe culinary faintheart Matt has given up on getting served and gone to the ground, so it's down to diehards Nigel and myself. My falafel and cup of tea actually arrive pretty quickly as Nigel reminisces about his trip to Wyoming visiting Mount Rushmore and the Old Faithful Geyser. Never knew he was mates with Danny Dyer.

Inside the stadium we find Matt, Michael, Jake the vlogger and a late-running Lisa, who is carrying a black briefcase, presumably full of dossiers to give to Nuno, or perhaps the West Ham self-destruct codes. Big Sam is away listening to Rick Parfitt's son play Status Quo songs. The tributes to Ludo Miklosko from Kevin Keen and Jimmy Walker are well done and it's emotional to see Mark Noble and Ludo's son carry a wreath to the centre circle before kick-off.

West Ham start slowly, again. After18 minutes the returning Tomas Soucek, clearly rusty after his long lay-off, misplaces a pass in midfield. To retrieve the situation he makes a good tackle outside the box on Smyth. Astonishingly referee Ruebyn Ricardo awards a penalty. An aghast Soucek looks like someone has just stolen his potato salad. For once we're wishing that VAR was back. Madsen rolls home the spot kick.

QPR are fast on the break, with Kolli impressing. West Ham seem to have lost all rhythm after the three-week break and look very laboured. There's a lot of slow passing around at the back but no penetration. Walker-Peters has a bit of a 'mare, Mukasa is anonymous, Soucek is off the pace, Solomon has a couple of decent dribbles but can't get his crosses in and Bowen's crosses are hitting the first man. Bowen attempts an audacious overhead kick and that's about it, while West Ham almost concede from their own corner as Hermansen has to parry Kolli's shot.

Nuno takes decisive action after a poor first half, going to a back three and taking off Walker-Peters and Soucek for Pablo and Austbo. Pablo makes a difference by getting stuck in and making life awkward for the Rangers' defenders. The 62,000 crowd get behind the Irons and that helps. It's not until the 70th minute that the breakthrough comes. Bowen wins the ball with a crunching tackle on the touchline then receives the ball back from Taty on the right wing. Jarrod cuts inside and fires against the legs of a defender but he's alert enough to slam home the rebound. He runs straight back to the centre spot knowing the Hammers have to go for the win.

SPOT OF BOTHER

For the final 20 minutes West Ham actually get going. Orford comes on and his ability to keep the ball helps. Pablo sets up sub Piroe for a shot that is tipped away by Pierce Charles for a corner. Bowen cuts inside to fire just over and then performs some more penalty box wriggling to force a tip round the post. Can the Hammers play badly but still grind out a win?

It seems so in the 91st minute when Bowen plays in a great cross and Pablo is blatantly pulled back by Mbengue. A shame as that might have been Pablo's first league goal, but surely Bowen will score from the spot? Only his low effort is saved by Charles and the keeper then produces another brilliant save to tip Engels' header on to the post. If in doubt blast it. That's three points lost from missed last-minute penalties this season.

We trek to Ye Olde Black Bull where at least Matt Upson on Sky inspires our Matt to raid his mind palace and ask what Upson has done that only two other West Ham players have. The answer is score in the World Cup finals. It's been a frustrating evening and slow starts have become a real problem. West Ham remain unbeaten in seven games but are now out of the automatic promotion spots. A big improvement is required for Lincoln away on Wednesday.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 4 (Austbo 6), Mavropanos 6, Kilman 6, Morato 5; Soucek 4 (Pablo 7), Mukasa 4 (Orford 6), Engels 6; Bowen 7, Castellanos 5, Solomon 5 (Piroe 6).

Torquay Irons

You don't expect to encounter a West Ham exhibition while on holiday in Torquay. But visitors to Bygones Museum can find several cabinets of Hammers memorabilia. Most of the museum is devoted to Victorian shops, quirky artefacts and a recreation of the world war one trenches. But upstairs, the West Ham display is all the work of Rick, the son of the owner. Rick is a season ticket holder at the London Stadium and used to go to matches as a boy with his godfather, Bert Willis, who worked in the bars and the boot room at the Boleyn Ground.

The Bygones exhibition contains an astonishing array of West Ham memorabilia, including the warm-up shirt worn by Pablo Fornals before the Europa Conference League Final and Lucas Paqueta's boots (which look more like slippers) from the same game. There's lots of 1975 FA Cup Final material including a collection from Mervyn Day. You can see the shirt worn by Bill Roberts in 1937-38. Trivia fans will know that Bill was Len Goulden's understudy. There's a signed Declan Rice shirt, a signed photo of Alan Stephenson taking on Denis Law and a 1976 Cup Winners' Cup Final shirt. If you're tired of Agatha Christie and Basil Fawlty in Torquay, then give Bygones a visit.