Unal free kick denies Hammers all three points

Bournemouth 1 West Ham 1

West Ham are playing for the third Monday in a row so it's sitting in front of Sky for the trip to the Vitality Stadium. There's no Todibo in the squad and Emerson is suspended so Coufal comes in at right-back, while Summerville is once again on the bench. Jarrod Bowen is playing as the main striker in the absence of Antonio.

The ninth minute sees another round of applause for Antonio, with the home fans joining in. Early on there's a warning as the dangerous Semenyo gets through on the right to shave the post. But West Ham have the better of the first half as Alvarez and Soler start to control midfield. Coufal has a nosebleed when a shooting chance arrives and blazes wide. Kudus' fine burst from his own half finds Bowen, who cleverly stops in front of the retreating defenders and chips a shot on to the angle of post and bar. Soler shoots narrowly wide and Bowen does well to turn and power in a shot that is parried by Kepa.

Before the break the Cherries have a great chance as Semenyo's shot is deflected to Quattara, who is foiled by a great save with his feet from Fabianski. But it's been a reasonably good first half against an in-form side and for once the defence is looking solid, with Kilman doing well.

The second half sees Bournemouth step it up and pepper the West Ham goal. Fabianski has to make a great save to tip over Evanilson's header from a corner. The 39-year-old keeper also has to parry stinging shots from Billing and Christie as the ball pinballs in the box. At the other end only a great tackle prevents Kudus from scoring.

Loppy brings on Fullkrug, Summerville and Ollie Scarles. With 85 minutes on the clock Wan-Bissaka picks up a loose ball on the right and makes a determined dash for the line, chipping in a fine cross that Fullkrug heads straight at Kepa. The big German got plenty of power in the header but couldn't direct it.

Then VAR intervenes. Wan-Bissaka's cross has brushed the hand of Tyler Adams and it's a penalty. This is technically correct, though it's the sort of pedantic soft penalty that is only picked up since the advent of VAR. Lucas Paqueta remains as cool as the Fonz and rolls the spot kick home with Kepa diving the wrong way. Paqueta runs over to embrace Lopetegui in response to reports that he wants to return to Brazil.

All West Ham have to do is defend solidly and not do anything silly. But we've reckoned without a rash challenge from Dinos Mavropanos who kicks through the back of a Bournemouth player. Still, what could possibly go wrong against a side that hasn't scored a direct free kick since 2019? Almost inevitably sub Unal curls a sumptuous free kick into the top corner.

My West Ham WhatsApp group is not happy with Dinos, with The Gav calling it a "clumsy unnecessary foul", Big Sam saying that he is "always a mistake waiting to happen" and the Vicar's Son wanting to excommunicate Konstantinos. A shame, as he'd had a decent game up to that moment. Dinos really needs coaching help with his decision-making.

There's a nervous eight minutes of added time to endure as the home crowd sense a winner. It's good to see young Casey get three minutes of action and thankfully the Irons hold on to the point. 

Still, a draw was probably a fair result and it was good to see the indefatigable Vladimir Coufal get in a solid 90 minutes. WHU have got a point away to the side that is currently sixth. We're unbeaten in two games, which is pretty good for this season. If West Ham can now get results against Brighton and Southampton then we'd be on a nice run. Irons!

Namaste, Geezer

Enjoyed reading Namaste, Geezer by West Ham fan Shekhar Bhatia, an account of "life as a fan and journalist of Asian heritage." Bhatia grew up in Leyton and loved West Ham from an early age, though he had to brave National Front paper sellers and racism in the bad old days at 1970s and 1980s Upton Park. Often the fans he was running from were his own. 

We learn of his love of reading the football writers in his dad's Daily Telegraph and a spell on the Newham Recorder leading to jobs at several national newspapers. Racism is never far away though and attending a Hammers' game at Port Vale with his ex-wife Meera Syal, he has to report a home fan making monkey gestures at George Parris to the police, who thankfully act. 

There's a moving final chapter on Prague, where Shekhar has to try and look professional in the press box while holding back tears as West Ham win their first trophy in 43 years. And then he runs into the Hammers squad at his hotel and gets to sing "Jarrod Bowen's on fire!" with his heroes. Good work, geezer.

Bowen wins it for Antonio

West Ham 2 Wolves 1

Matt and Lisa are away watching tippy-tappy Basque football rather than El Sackico, so it's down to the diehards of Nigel and CQ, Michael the Whovian, The Gav and Big Sam, who has braved Welsh floods and hurricanes to be here.

The players warm up in Antonio tops which is a nice touch and in the ninth minute there's a minute's applause for the injured striker. Early on Gomes pokes wide from a dangerous cross from Doherty, while Bowen and Soler strike the legs of Johnston and Ait-Nouri with good chances. 

Michael, fresh from impersonating Dave the Barman from the Winchester Club, spends much of the first half in existential despair at the quality of play, while CQ hands round the sweets. Due to the cold and possible indifference to Lopetegui's fate the crowd seems strangely sedate.

The other big news is that Sam has been given a copy of Massive for Christmas from his workmates, a book he features in. At half-time desperate measures are required and both Nigel and CQ eat lucky bananas. It works as Soucek finally breaks the deadlock with a looping header from a corner. Strangely Wolves don't have anyone on the post. Tomas runs to the camera and shouts a gruff tribute to Micky. 

A neat move sees Bowen cross for Kudus to net, but Mo has moved beyond his defender a fraction too soon and is ruled offside. Then Wolves have a great shout for a penalty denied by VAR as Emerson pushes Gomes in the back. We were lucky to get away with that one. But it is 1-1 when Ait-Nouri crosses for Doherty to strike home a fine first-time finish.

Three minutes later though Jarrod saves WHU. After a free kick is cleared he's found by Kudus, he cuts inside one man and fires a typical left foot shot into the corner. He celebrates by picking up an Antonio shirt. Wolves claim that the Greek Bloke fouled in the build-up though it looks more like as simple collision. 

There's still time for another Kudus effort to be correctly disallowed and another VAR penalty appeal for Wolves to be turned down. Bowen makes a great run down the right only to pull his cross back behind Ings. We survive eight minutes of added time to buy Loppy more time in charge. Lemina has a go at Bowen after the final whistle and there's a bit of a melee. 

A great win for Antonio, who has spoken to the squad via video before the match. While you've got to feel a bit sorry for Gary O'Neil who is a decent manager working with limited resources.

Michael has to dance in the streets of Stratford alone, as Big Sam has to pick up his motor in Didcot, Nigel and CQ have an 8am gym appointment and I'm preparing for a wedding anniversary mini-break. Matt and Lisa would be dancing in the streets of Bilbao if it wasn't so cold. Loppy now has to try to win the hearts of the West Ham fans and build on this, though Bournemouth away is another tough fixture. Still, at least we won, 22 more points and we're safe. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Wan-Bissaka 7, Kilman 7, Mavropanos 6, Emerson 6 (Cresswell n/a); Soler 6 (Paqueta 5), Alvarez 6 (Todibo n/a), Soucek 7; Summerville 6 (Ings 6), Kudus 6 (Rodriguez n/a), Bowen 8. 

Thinking of Micky

Every West Ham will be hoping Michail Antonio recovers fully after his horrific car crash in Theydon Bois. He's stable but in a serious condition in hospital and has had surgery for a "lower limb fracture". He was trapped in his car for 40 minutes and had to be cut out by the emergency services. Antonio will be 35 next March and it's going to be a long road back to fitness. He has been a fixture at West Ham since the days of Slaven Bilic and has always played with the enthusiasm of someone who's come up from non-league football. As a lone striker he was sometimes unstoppable and an integral part of the Moyes years. Despite mental health problems in his later years he's always seemed to play with a smile on his face and we all loved those goal celebrations such as stroking the London Stadium carpet and wielding a cardboard cutout of himself against Leicester. Get well soon, Micky.

It's El Sackico on Monday night

It seems that Julen Lopetegui has been backed in the morning and is in charge for the Wolves match, though it's now seen as a must-win game. That's probably the right decision, as sacking him now would have left West Ham with a caretaker in charge for a vital match. Loppy has another game to offer the fans some glimpse of hope, but what's worrying is that so far he doesn't know his best team and there isn't a convincing system. Even in the early days of Moyes you could see progress being made and the side becoming more solid despite initially poor results.

The high backline really isn't working with Kilman, Todibo and Mavropanos slow on the turn and it would be nice to have full backs who stayed in their position. Pep might have played inverted full-backs but it doesn't work at WHU. Wan-Bissaka is one of the best tacklers in the Premier League but seems to be playing anywhere but right-back, while the midfield lacks legs, though Soler looks like he might provide more dynamism. 

Meanwhile Arsenal are scoring numerous goals from set-pieces yet Loppy has loaned out Ward-Prowse one of the best corner-takers in football and we've only scored once from a set-piece. The other dilemma is how to get the best out of a forward line featuring Bowen, Kudus, Summerville and Fullkrug.

The Wolves game is vital but just as important will be the following games against Bournemouth,  Brighton and Southampton. If Lopetegui can't offer a road map towards better times then he'll surely be gone by Christmas.

Ruud awakening for Lopetegui and wasteful Irons

Leicester City 3 West Ham 1

It's the worst possible start watching this on Amazon Prime. Lopetegui has rotated Emerson, Paqueta and Antonio and opted for a workmanlike side, though again Summerville is on the bench. Meanwhile the Leicester crowd are up for it in Ruud Van Nistelrooy's first game in charge.

Two minutes in and Jamie Vardy races behind Mavropanos to sidefoot home a fine finish. The ref gives offside, but VAR reveals that Albert Steptoe is just onside thanks to Dinos's foot. It's no secret that Vardy plays on the shoulder of defenders and Dinos really should have been more alert. Matt WhatsApps that Mavropanos is West Ham's worst ever defender, which is a bit unfair on Gary Breen and co. Dinos does have potential, but he really has to improve his concentration.

Vardy forces a low save from Fabianski but for the rest of the half West Ham dominate. Bowen has a curling shot saved by Hermansen. Bowen crosses for Danny Ings to head against the post. Jarrod then fires against the keeper's legs. Kudus looks forceful on his return and his fine cross is headed wide by Tomaas Soucek - the sort of chance he normally scores with.

It looks like one of those games where we'll do everything but score. Ings fails to gamble on an inviting cross. Hermansen makes his best save, deflecting Bowen's instinctive flock from Alvarez's cross. Soler volleys narrowly wide after a corner. While just before the interval Hermansen spills Ings' mishit and Soler has another effort parried. West Ham have 20 shots in the first half.

Summerville replaces Ings at the break, as the Hammers continue to press. Kudus has a deflected shot tipped over by the keeper. What seems a  good equaliser is disallowed as Hermansen fumbles Summerville's deflected effort under minimal pressure from Soucek. Tomas really didn't do anything wrong there.

But on 61 minutes it's 2-0. McAteer is afforded too much space on the left, and he finds El Khannouss who hasn't been marked tightly enough and scores with a low effort into the corner. 

Fabianski has to make a great stop from Ndidi's header to prevent a third. Emerson, Antonio and Paqueta have come on. There's almost a West Ham lifeline as after good work from Wan-Bissaka and Bowen, Summerville's shot is cleared from halfway over the line by Coady. 

SACKED IN THE MORNING?

The Hammers still look very vulnerable to the break. De-Cordova Reid has a goal disallowed for a marginal offside. But on 90 minutes Daka flicks the ball away from the disappointing Kilman on the halfway line, races towards goal and fires in a left foot rocket at Fabianski's near-post. The lack of cover is worrying and Wan-Bissaka is again too far upfield. 

The centre fails to hold, things fall apart. "Sacked in the morning!" chant the West Ham fans. Things are so bad I'm starting to wonder if we could get Kurt Zouma and his dodgy knees back from his loan in the UAE.

At least the side keep going and in the 93d minute Bowen's corner is flicked on by Summerville for sub Fullkrug to head home. That's the only good thing to come out of the evening, and you hope Niclas is now back, fit and ready to start a run of goals.

West Ham have been unlucky and had an astonishing 31 shots only to get mugged at the back and lose 3-1. But sometimes you have to make your own luck. While I'm never one for sacking managers too quickly this is feeling like the wrong manager at the wrong club. In Lopetegui's 16 games we've only played well in three, Crystal Palace, Ipswich and Newcastle. 

Many fans would take Potter, either Graham or Harry. Loppy's system isn't working and his verbose post-match interviews suggest he might have trouble communicating his ideas to the players. It's not good enough from Steidten either, and with £100m net spent on ten players results have to be better. Wolves is now a six-pointer and we have to win, whether Lopetegui stays or not.

Another difficult away draw

That Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff in Kew Gardens is looking increasingly unlikely. Aston Villa away is another difficult tie, though there's some faint hope that Villa might be distracted by the Champions League. The Irons don't seem to have had much luck in domestic cup draws. OK, Bristol City at home in the FA Cup last season wasn't bad, though we still managed to lose after a replay, but we've also drawn Liverpool away two seasons running in the Carabao Cup, losing both games 5-1. In season 2022-23 we drew Man United away in the FA Cup and lost 3-1. While in 2021-22 we drew both Man United away and Man City at home in the Carabao Cup and beat them both only to then lose 2-1 away to Spurs. And in 2020-21 we went out of the FA Cup after being drawn away to Man United and losing 1-0. Mind you, we also struggled to beat Kidderminster away in the FA Cup two seasons ago. Infamy, infamy, they've all got it infamy.

Pantomime season starts early as Arsenal score five

West Ham 2 Arsenal 5

Before the match there's a trip to the Colour Factory at Hackney Wick with DC and Danny to see Liam Brady interviewed by Martin Allen at a West Ham Way event. 

Brady reminisces about how he liked working with John Lyall, but not the running sessions of Lou Macari, the time Jack Charlton called him Ian Brady, how Stuart Slater was too shy for the goldfish bowl of Celtic when Liam managed there and the time Julian Dicks ripped up the senior pros' pack of cards on the team coach. Mad Dog Martin Allen makes a good compere, questioning like he played with a lot of no-nonsense expletives and then auctioning a signed Trevor Brooking shirt for £250. It's also good to meet Ulf from the Swedish Hammers podcast who ends up with the Brooking shirt, while DC comes away with a folder full of signed Brady pictures.

In the London Stadium Michael is attending his second pantomime of the day having already seen Pinocchio at the Theatre Royal Stratford, while Matt and Lisa have been to the dump with a carpet and are looking forward to seeing another load of old rubbish. Nigel makes up our number.

The early pattern sees Arsenal dominate through Odegaard and Saka with West Ham penned back. We don't want to be giving them corners. But on ten minutes Gabriel loses the blocked-off Antonio, Kilman isn't alert enough and Gabriel heads home a soft set-piece goal. It should have been disallowed for a push on Paqueta, but even so it's very poor defending and surely Antonio shouldn't be on Gabriel.

Summerville nets with a nice lob over the keeper but is correctly ruled offside. The second Arsenal goal arrives when Odegaard flicks a great pass through to Saka. Neither full-back has gone with their man and Saka crosses for Trossard to tap home. Number three comes when Paqueta dangles a leg and Saka goes over it very easily. Odegaard dispatches the penalty. 

He's behind you! After 35 minutes Paqueta loses possession, Trossard plays a long ball over the defence, Kilman slices horribly and misses the ball, leaving Havertz to run through and calmly slot home. 

Just as we're anticipating another 6-0 defeat West Ham come to life. Soler plays a great through ball and Wan-Bissaka has space to poke home. After not scoring in four years that's two in two for Aaron. Two minutes later the Irons win a free kick on the edge of the box and Emerson scores with a beauty. 

KICKED UP THE ARSENAL

Can we pull off a famous comeback? Erm, no. In added time Arsenal win another corner. Fabianski punches it clear but has also caught Gabriel with his fist. Goalkeepers often get the benefit of the doubt on those, but ref Anthony Taylor points to the spot and Saka scores.

The second half sees a punch-drunk home crowd deciding that things can't get any worse and resorting to some proper supporting, singing "West Ham are Massive!" and "We are West Ham's Claret and Blue Army!" Antonio drags a shot narrowly wide as Arsenal ease off, while sub Alvarez improves things a bit in midfield. When sub Danny Ings drags a shot across goal from the sort of chance he used to bury it's too much for Matt who resorts to some ungodly invective, as Lisa quietly books a trip to a wellness clinic in San Sebastian. 

Mercifully it ends at 5-2 and bizarrely we've scored the best goals of the game.Though as Nigel points out in five halves out of six we haven't conceded and we drew the second half. A job doing West Ham's PR awaits.

At the Eagle Nigel is in iconoclastic mood, first declaring that Ever Fallen In Love by the Buzzcocks is a disappointing record, much to the horror of Matt and myself, and then that Psycho Killer by Talking Heads is a pretentious song and David Byrne can't sing. Which leads us to Bob Dylan, who couldn't sing either, but didn't do badly. 

Matt and Nigel then become animated about the fact that at Chester FC a corner could be taken in England into a penalty box that is in Wales. Michael says that he's missed ex-Pistol Glen Matlock to come to the game tonight and perhaps wishes he had never minded the bollocks at the London Stadium. 

Sky's advert for a documentary on darts called Game of Throws has us wondering if today's match was was a Game of Moans or a Game of Groans. All of which is better than watching Jamie Redknapp and Theo Walcott dissecting our defensive errors on Sky.

This has certainly deflated all the optimism of Monday night and we can't carry on defending like this. As Matt points out, Lopetegui built his reputation on defending but can't organise our back line. The next few games in December will decide if Loppy stays, but Steidten also has questions to answer. Arsenal played like Champions elect but we should at least be making them score good goals and giving them a game. Leicester away on Tuesday needs to see a big improvement.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 5; Wan-Bissaka 7, Kilman 4, Todibo 5, Emerson 7 (Coufal 6); Soler 6 (Irving), Paqueta 4 (Rodriguez), Soucek 4; Summerville 5 (Alvarez 6), Bowen 6, Antonio 5 (Ings 4). 

Taking goals to Newcastle

Newcastle United 0 West Ham United 2 (two)

It's over to Lola and Michael's flat to watch the expected drubbing at St James' Park. On WhatsApp Mystic Matt is surprised that Loppy has dropped Guido Rodriguez leaving us with no specialist defensive midfielders against in-form Newcastle. Still, it's brave, or possibly foolhardy, to bring in Soler to play alongside Soucek in central midfield with talk of Julen having two games to save his job.

There's an early scare when Izak has a goal correctly disallowed for offside. But there's something different about this West Ham side as the team run hard and steam into tackles. After ten minutes West Ham win a corner and from Emerson's dead ball Soucek loses the Toon defence to head powerfully home. Blimey. It's West Ham's first goal from a corner this season.

A predictable Newcastle onslaught ensues. Willock fires wide and when Todibo miscues to set up Gordon, Fabianski produces a great reflex save. But the Irons are also taking the game to Newcastle and countering at pace. Paqueta is playing deeper alongside Soucek and Soler is busy throughout and always ready to try a shot, curling one effort narrowly wide after a good move. He certainly looks more dynamic than Guido. Bowen is tireless and Antonio is proving a handful for the Newcastle defence. Micky ends up with a ripped shirt and has to change into a new one on the pitch, revealing an enviable set of abs to the nation.

Shortly before the interval Guimaraes chips through to Isak who fires just wide of the post, while Bowen tests Pope after a decent breakaway.

AARON WAN-BISSAKA GOAL MACHINE

More APA is required at half-time as I'm convinced we'll still lose and it's hard to concentrate on the aubergine and potato dish on my lap. Gordon fires across the goalmouth as the second half starts. But what sort of thing is happening here? Paqueta robs Guimaraes and sets Bowen free, Jarrod passes inside to the underlapping Wan-Bissaka and Aaron fires into the far corner for his first goal in four years. Incredible. 

Nicola wants to know why I'm still stressed and I explain it's the hope I can't take. But Newcastle look strangely jaded and West Ham defend stoutly thanks to Kilman and co. Bowen and Soucek test Pope with on-target shots. Todibo goes off injured and there's a scare when sub Mavropanos puts his arms around Wilson and Newcastle shout for a penalty. That one could have gone either way.

Danny Ings comes on for Antonio and there's even a late sighting of Andy Irvine. Despite six minutes of added time the Irons control the game and the 3200 away fans in the gods enjoy a series of "oles" as the Hammers play keepball. 

It's a very unexpected win. It's the best we've seen from the manager and also players like Soler and Wan-Bissaka. Paqueta was looking more like the player of old too. Most importantly the side seemed to work really hard for each other and one very impressive stat is that West Ham covered 120.7 kilometres, the longest of any side in a Premier League match this season. Two weeks with the players has allowed Loppy to somehow inspire the lads with a work ethic. It's also worth noting that West Ham had six shots on target as opposed to the home side's two. 

This was much much better. Let's hope it's the turning point of our season. Irons!

RIP: Steve Bacon

Sad to hear of the death of Steve Bacon. There can't be any other football photographer who was so well known. Steve had his own  chant of "There's only one Stevie Bacon!" from the fans and inspired Phill Jupitus to pen the very funny Clicker Bacon cartoon in Fortune's Always Hiding fanzine. Clicker even had a book published by Biteback in 2012, There's Only One Stevie Bacon. 

Here's what my review at the time said. "As club photographer for 30 years Bacon travelled on the team bus and roomed with the team, so he has lots of juicy inside info on the banter, boozing and lads’ shenanigans, though all told from the viewpoint of a Plaistow-born West Ham fan. We learn that Lou Macari, whom Bacon got on well with, asked Stevie’s advice before signing Colin Foster. He clearly didn't get on with Alan Pardew and writes, “I’ve never known a more arrogant man in my life”. Pards didn’t get off to a good start with Steve when he announced at a hotel dinner that if Bacon’s order looked nicer, “I’m having that!” Never come between a growing lad and his grub. The book recounts a terrified Paolo Di Canio refusing to fly, Harry Redknapp covering Don Hutchison is sandwiches, John Moncur leaping naked from lockers during team talks and Igor Stimac arranging for the players to shoot machine guns in a Croatian wood while playing in the UEFA Cup."

Let's hope Stevie gets some fine shots of Bobby Moore and co from the great touchline up above.

Jarrod Bowen's on fire for England

Great to see Jarrod Bowen bag his first goal for England against Ireland last night. It took him all of 28 seconds on the pitch to score with a fine strike from the edge of the box. My pal Mystic Matt was there too and in fine form, predicting that Bowen would never score for England as Jarrod came on. Bowen also forced a good save form Kelleher. Jarrod had a couple of decent cameos in the Euros (he'd have had an assist of Kane hadn't hit the bar) but once Lee Carsley took charge, Chelsea's Noni Madueke was promoted above him. Madueke is undoubtedly a player of potential, but Jarrod is more experienced and better defensively. He deserves some starts under Thomas Tuchel.

Drawing drawing West Ham

West Ham 0 Everton 0

It's a cultured start to the day as walking up Highbury Park we encounter a pop-up art show by Gail Seres-Woolfson, Peter Carty the author of Art, and then best-selling author David Nicholls, hoping that One Day West Ham will win. 

The culture continues in the Best Cafe where polymaths Matt and Lisa have returned from a mini-break in Aberystwyth, though they were gutted to miss Aberystwyth versus Newtown. After unexpectedly quick service we head to the stadium to meet Highway Stars Nigel and CQ, who have just seen Deep Purple at the O2. Land of Hope and Glory is played on the PA before The Last Post marks Remembrance Sunday. 

The only problem is that the football then starts. It's a game of misplaced passes. A West Ham corner results in a break from Everton and only a brilliant saving tackle from Summerville prevents the Toffees taking the lead. Wan-Bissaka keeps playing it to Everton and the Hammers build-up is ponderous at best. "I'd have more fun poking needles in my eyes," suggests the fan in front of us. 

Soucek's dawdling in the box when he could shoot seems to sum up the lack of confidence in the side. Not much happens till just before half-time when Antonio's strong run sets up Bowen for a low shot that Pickford parries. Then Antonio is set up by Bowen and almost rounds the keeper to win a corner.

The second half sees a marginal improvement. Bowen shoots wide and then a determined run by Summerville sets up Rodriguez for a powerful low shot that Pickord turns away. At the other end Fabianski has to tip over a header from Lindstrom. 

Sub Soler looks a neat passer in a more central role and Ings add something in the second half too. Paqueta plays a great through ball to Summerville who hits the post. More like the old Lucas that. Then a good run by Soler sees Ings test Pickford with a low shot. With virtually the final kick Ings does well to bring he ball down and take a return pass from Paqueta before seeing Pickford brilliantly parry his deflected effort. A poor game but the Irons had the better chances.

Strangely Nigel regards my view that at least we kept a clean sheet as a tad Panglossian. While Michael, away in Dorset, doesn't seem to believe the WhatsApp messages saying it was a scintillating feast of football. 

We retreat to the Eagle where Sinead has Whitstable Bay ale in the fridge this week and the finest Irish whiskey for Matt. There's something of a Pink Floyd festival on the jukebox with CQ admiring the bass line of Money and Nigel confessing to be Comfortably Numb after WHU's performance. Watching the Sky game Mystic Matt announces that "Man City will win 1-0" just as Brighton score twice.

Everton looked fairly poor today apart from their defence, so it's two points lost and not a great performance to inspire faith in the new gaffer. Though on the other hand WHU were a bit unlucky at times and any sign of defensive solidity is welcome. Newcastle away really will be a test though in two weeks' time.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Wan-Bissaka 5 (Coufal 5), Kilman 6, Todibo 5, Emerson 6;Rodriguez 6 (Soler 6), Soucek 5, Paqueta 6; Bowen 7, Antonio 6 (Ings 7), Summerville 7 (Guilherme n/a).

Not looking good

Well, it's a five-game ban for Kudus, which is probably better than expected as he fitted three red card incidents into one. Alvarez is suspended. Fullkrug is still likely to be out for several weeks and to worsen our misery Richard Keys has suggested Frank Lampard as West Ham's next manager. Perhaps BFF could employ Paul Ince and Jermain Defoe as his assistants? Now Jacob Steinberg says that Lopetegui could be sacked if the Irons lose to Everton. And a Sean Dyche team will relish a physical tussle with a team low on confidence. Apart from that it's all going to plan.

Alvarez red card helps Forest fire three past hapless Hammers

Nottingham Forest 3 West Ham 0

Having lost at the City Ground two seasons running this always felt like a difficult game. Playing the second half with Wan-Bissaka and Emerson as wing-backs had worked against Man United, so Lopetegui opts for three centre backs with Dinos joining Kilman and Todibo. Soucek has a virus so it's a not-very-creative twin midfield axis of Alvarez and Rodriguez, while Jimmy Summerville finally starts.

Forest look livelier from the start though and after half an hour the breakthrough comes. Moreno isn't tracked as he gets down the left. Dinos does that silly defending with his arms behind his back thing as Moreno crosses for the in-form Chris Wood to head home. The big striker has lost Todibo and Alvarez is also standing there with his arms behind his back. So much for the three centre backs keeping it tight.

The crucial action happens just before the break. West Ham finally come up with a shot on goal as Kilman heads back and Paqueta's decent strike is hooked off the line by Wood. Alvarez has already been booked for a needless shirt-tug and as Forest break, lunges in on Elanga. He appears to play a bit of the ball but is out of control and receives a second yellow. That really was a stupid tackle to make when on a yellow and it's Eddy's second red this season. He's a good player but is becoming a liability. To compound the misery Alvarez can't remember where the tunnel is and goes to the wrong end of the stadium, much to the amusement of the home fans.

Loppy brings on Soler and Antonio for his muscle, though once again poor old Summerville is hooked. West Ham improve initially but the game is over when Hudson-Odoi's shot curls through a packed penalty area and above Fabianski's hands, having taken a slight nick off a defender. It's three when Todibo can't clear effectively and Aina puts a screamer into the top corner.

Yates has a goal disallowed for offside and only a couple of brilliant saves from Fabianski keep the score down. Even the fact that Matt and Lisa have gone on a pilgrimage to Hereford Cathedral in a bid to locate the spiritual home of Jarrod Bowen can't save us. Meanwhile in the Nigel derby it's ended Felixstowe 2 Brentwood 1, so at least someone is happy. 

After ten games it's starting to develop into a very worrying season. There appears to be a discipline problem at the club with Kudus and Alvarez getting sent off in two of the last three games, there's no date for Fullkrug's return and the three new signings don't seem to have improved the defence. We should at least be giving Forest a game. More of this and Lopetegui is in trouble. 

Statement win for Hammers with cast-iron(ish) penalty

West Ham 2 Manchester United 1

Arriving at the London Stadium I'm greeted by the incredible news from Michael the Whovian that a disco version of the Doctor Who theme has been played on the PA before kick-off. Even more surprisingly Matt, Lisa, Michael and Big Sam have been served quickly and efficiently in the Best Cafe. DC is absent we learn, taking in the Leaning Tower of Pisa, a structure built on dodgy foundations, so nothing at all like being at West Ham.

Loppy has dropped Areola, Todibo and Soucek, while Kudus is suspended. The game kicks off with the sun in our eyes and Man United dominating. In the second minute Garnacho hits the bar. Fabianski has to block a shot from Hojlund and Fernandes head a good chance over. A simple ball over the top from Fernandes sees Dalot round Fabianski and then shoot over an open goal to much derision from the home fans. Alvarez back-heads a United corner against his own bar. Fabianski has to make a great one-handed save to keep out Casemiros's header.

Antonio has worked hard and Wan-Bissaka has at times threatened going forward, but it's been a very poor half from West Ham and United could be three or four up. Soler looks lost on the left wing, Paqueta has been peripheral and the Irons haven't got stuck into United at all.  

At half time we agree that there are two ways of looking at it; if we've ridden our luck so much we could go and win it, or that it's inevitable the pressure will eventually tell. Lopetegui takes decisive action at the break, taking off Mavropanos, Paqueta and Soler for Todibo, Soucek and Summerville. He might even have thrown some teacups.

West Ham start with much greater intensity as Bowen and Wan-Bissaka cause problems on the right and Soucek gives us a greater physical presence.. On the left wing Jimmy Summerville's speed is a welcome outlet and he plays in several inviting crosses. Emerson can\t quite get on the end of Antonio's cross. Antonio curls a shot just wide and the crowd start to get behind the Irons. Danny Ings comes on for Antonio.

VAR WE LOVE YOU

Incredibly WHU take the lead on 74 minutes. Bowen crosses from the right, Ings scuffs his shot and Summerville has made up a lot of ground to stroke home at the back post as the Bobby Moore Stand erupts. That will give Crysencio some confidence. 

Only then West Ham sit back and seven minutes later United win three headers in the box and Casemiro equalises. To their credit Lopetegui's men go for a winner. In the final minute the ball is lofted into the box and Ings goes down after a challenge from De Ligt. The ref plays on but a minute later there's a VAR check. Referee Coote awards a penalty after going to the monitor, even though it looks more like Ings has run into the big Dutchman. The United players go mental for a minute or so surrounding the ref. Thankfully Jarrod Bowen keeps cool after the long stoppage to stroke home a fine penalty. 

There's a tremendously nervy 14 minutes of added time as Todibo does well at the back, Emerson fires at Onana and eventually West Ham hold on for three points. There's something very satisfying about nicking a game after being outplayed in the first half and getting a late dodgy penalty.

Nigel and Sam take a detour on the way to the Eagle to buy a half and half scarf. The cover story is it's for Big Sam's stepdad, though we suspect it's actually for Nigel, as he's always wanted a West Ham/Man United half and half scarf. 

"These London derbies are always difficult," suggests Nigel. We agree that United's fans in Guildford and Woking will be gutted. Perhaps MUFC will turn to David Moyes to try and keep them up.

In the Eagle Sinead has Greene King IPA in the fridge as Matt reminisces about their greatest trips to Rochdale and the fact it's the only ground where he's seen a fox on the pitch - apart from at Leicester, of course. We agree that United just couldn't handle Danny Ings and get another round in. While Michael enjoys so much added drinking time it could be David Coote is officiating in the Eagle. Will this result kick-start our season? Hopefully so. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Wan-Bissaka 7, Mavropanos 6 (Todibo 7), Kilman 6, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 6 (Cresswell n/a), Alvarez 6, Paqueta 5 (Soucek 6), Soler 4 (Summerville 8); Bowen 8, Antonio 7 (Ings 7). 

Plaistow meets the chattering classes

It's not often the Black Lion gets a mention on Radio 4's Today programme. But this morning Sir Geoff Hurst, discussing his new book, Last Boy of '66, recalled that the West Ham players used to go to the Black Lion at Plaistow after games at the Boleyn, which he said you can't imagine modern players doing. Though perhaps that might be an idea for Lopetegui to consider as a means of boosting team spirit(s).

Lopetegui not in danger - yet

Jacob Steinberg in the Guardian reports that there is no imminent danger of the sack for Julen Lopetegui despite West Ham's poor start. It would indeed be silly to appoint a manager to oversee a new style, sign ten players, and then sack him after eight league games. But if he fails to get any results in the next four games against Man United, Notts Forest, Everton and Newcastle then he really could be in trouble, having spent £150 million on new players.

Much of the manager's role is to be a conduit to the supporters and Loppy's demeanour after the Spurs game was worrying. Moyes would have given the players his Glasgow death stare after that result and Kudus' self-indulgent red card, but Lopetegui seemed a little too laid back. You'd hope that in the dressing room he was a lot more demonstrative.

The manager has some big decisions to make, most notably over Lucas Paqueta. It's only natural that the prospect of a career-ending ban has affected his form. Lucas might be better used off the bench until the issue is resolved and Soler given a chance to become the team's creative hub.

Lopetegui has his expensive new defence together, but the unit of Wan-Bissaka, Kilman, Todibo and Emerson clearly needs work on the training ground because we're looking as leaky as last season. Might there be a case for bringing in Mavropanos and going with five at the back? Areola has let in soft goals in the last two games but is usually a fine keeper (witness that save from Delap) so deserves persevering with for now.

The gaffer needs to get Alvarez back in midfield and decide if he wants to play him with Rodriguez or not. To my mind they look too similar to each other, while the decision to loan out Ward-Prowse (who never gets injured) has deprived the side of guaranteed goals from corners. 

Lopetegui has been unlucky with the injury to Niclas Fullkrug and his return would certainly give everyone a boost, as 34-year-old Antonio is more of an impact sub these days. The suspension of Kudus means Summerville must get a chance. He was the star of the Championship last season and needs a run. While if Guilherme is worth £20 million shouldn't he be getting some action off the bench? 

Loppy also needs to have words with Kudus, who was both our best and worst player against Spurs. He's got tons of talent but at times needs to do the simple thing for the team and cut out the battering of Spurs players. Jarrod Bowen is exempt from criticism, but you do wonder if it might be easier to have a captain who could read the game from defence or midfield. What the team lacked at Spurs was someone to calm the side and keep it tight at 2-1 down. 

The fixture list hasn't been kind with four of the first eight games being against top-six clubs Villa, Man City, Chelsea and Spurs. But even so things have to improve, and quickly.

West Ham get battered as Mo sees Red

Tottenham 4 West Ham 1

It's down the Tottenham High Road in the rain to meet Nigel outside the Number 8 pub for our foray into Spurs country. What could possibly go wrong against a team that lost a two-goal lead last time out?

It's all Spurs early on but the Hammers defend fairly well with Rodriguez mopping up in front of the back four. Mo Kudus forces the first save of the game, as Vicario parries his effort. On 18 minutes it gets better as the Hammers have a spell of pressure, Bowen gets away down the right and crosses for Kudus to stroke home. Is it going to happen again?

Spurs force a series of corners, and Son dances though the defence trying to win a penalty.  Unfortunately the pressure tells before the break as the impressive Kulusevski wriggles through to shoot and surprises Areola, the ball deflecting off both post posts and over the line. Still, 1-1 at half-time isn't too bad and Nigel has his lucky banana out. 

Then comes an eight minute collapse. Just as Mystic Morris is saying that if we defend deep all game a deflection could go in or we concede a penalty. Son feeds Udogie who pulls back for Bissouma to fire through the legs of Kilman and past an unsighted Areola. Three minutes later Paqueta loses possession, Spurs break and Areola parries Son's rather tame shot. The ball unluckily deflects off the keeper and on to Todibo and back on to the Fonz and over the line for a comedy own goal.

Kudus gets a shot away at Vicario at 3-1 but soon we're 4-1 down. The Irons are caught too far upfield, Todibo is left all alone against Son and The Tottenham man, although forced wide, fires a shot past Areola at his near post. The keeper shouldn't have been beaten by that one.

The subs arrive but the game has gone. Son hits the post as Spurs almost make it 5-1.West Ham have a claim for a handball penalty turned down when Emerson crosses and Kudus's shot is cleared off the line. Werner mercifully heads a great chance over. 

"West Ham United you'll always be shit!" sing the gleeful home fans, followed by "West Ham get battered!" and "Is there a fire drill?" They also seem to think we have some travellers among our fans.

To compound it all Kudus, our best player, gets involved in a tussle with Van de Ven, seems to stamp on him and then raises his hand into his face. In the melee Kudus then punches Sarr as well. Richarlison has been accidentally hit and goes down as if shot by the Grealish sniper.

The ref only gives a yellow to Kudus, but VAR intervenes and it's an inevitable red card. It's the result of frustration but an act of sheer stupidity on Mo's part. He'll be suspended for three games at least and maybe longer after two red card offences.

All those fans who phoned TalkSport demanding Moyes be sacked are looking a bit silly. The jury is out on Lopetegui (and Steiden's signings) and he needs to act decisively. Paqueta hasn't been the same player since the FA charges and should surely be rested. We need to get Fullkrug fit as Antonio has toiled against the speedy Van de Ven and Loppy should give Summerville a run in the absence of Kudus. Alvarez needs to return. While Nigel suggests there's also a case for bringing back Fabianski.

The only person who's happy is my daughter Nell's Spurs-supporting friend Aaron whose £1 bet on Paqueta getting booked, Son scoring and Johnson getting a shot on target has yielded £6. "We'll be looking over our shoulder for the rest of the season." declares a disconsolate Nigel as we trudge back to Seven Sisters tube. Spurs are a top six side and played well but we shouldn't have thrown the game away like this. The Irons have to do better against Man United next week.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 4; Wan-Bissaka 5, Kilman 5, Todibo 5, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 6 (Mavropanos 6), Soucek 5 (Soler 5), Paqueta 4 (Alvarez 5); Bowen 7, Kudus 6; Antonio 5 (Summerville 6).

Homer defeat for England but a great night for Dinos

It was Acropolis now for England last night. Gaffer Lee Carsley might have chosen to play without strikers but even so, Dinos Mavropanos had a very good game for Greece in their victory at Wembley. Final score England 1 Philosophy Football 2. He seemed to get everything in the air, won all his tackles, had a goal disallowed and didn't make any silly mistakes. 

Dinos now looks to be West Ham's third-choice centre back behind Max Kilman and Jean-Clair Todibo, but he had a decent game as a second-half substitute right back against Brentford and a victory at Wembley will also boost his confidence, as well as being a fitting tribute to George Baldock, brother of former Hammers striker Sam. Well done Konstantinos, even if it was a Greek tragedy for England.

Tractor Boys hammered in welcome home win

West Ham 4 (four) Ipswich Town 1

At a very sunny London Stadium I'm joined by Belgian mystic lamb and beer experts Lisa and Matt, plus Michael the Whovian, preparing for his big Brigadier tribute night. It's also a pleasant surprise to find Clacton refugees Alison and Scott in the seats further back. Nigel is away at a mysterious "social function" in Felixstowe, surrounded by Tractor Boys, so it's down to the diehards. 

What could possibly go right? In the first minute someone called Kalvin Phillips loses possession, Soucek feeds Bowen on the right and Antonio sweeps home the cross. Have we been taking lessons from Brentford? That goal will do Antonio's confidence a lot of good, as he seems destined to be our main striker for the next decade.

But unfortunately we still haven't stopped conceding early goals. Four minutes after Antonio's goal Ipswich win a corner. Delap picks up the clearance and unleashes a stinging shot that squirms past Areola. Having got a hand to it Areola should surely have stopped it. The noisy Ipswich away crew celebrate with glee, having already enjoyed seeing their first cars in London according to Matt.

West Ham wobble at this point. An Ipswich free kick sees Greaves puts a free header wide. Matt is wearing our late friend Fraser's West Ham shirt and wonders if a sense of indefatigable calm will rub off; it doesn't as it takes a full ten seconds before Matt is asking "Why can we not f***ing control it?" West Ham's build-up seems ponderous at times, but Todibo tries to make something happen with a fine run out of defence. Kudus starts to get in some shots. 

After a fine one-touch passing move from Paqueta and Bowen, Antonio gets in a great cross that Kudus heads against the outside of the post when he should have scored. Town are making the mistake of trying to play out from the back and are caught out. Paqueta finds Soucek, whose shot is cleared off the line by O'Shea.

But West Ham are not to be denied. Emerson makes a fine burst down the left and crosses for Antonio to head against the bar. The ball bounces on the line in1966-style, and Kudus is on hand to head home. The announcer gives the goal to first Micky and then Mo, meaning we are surely 3-1 up.

JARROD BOWEN'S ON FIRE

Bizarrely we start well after the break. Ex-Hammers playwright Ben Johnson helpfully lobs a difficult back pass towards Muric. Under pressure from Antonio the keeper slices the ball wide to Bowen, who cuts inside Phillips and slots home a fine finish.

Muric has to make a great save to deny Kudus after Bowen's fine through ball. To their credit Ipswich keep going and Areola has to produce a world-class save from Delap's header. But there are more goals to be had for the Irons. Antonio finds Bowen on the right and his cross is tapped home by Lucas Paqueta, another Hammer who needed a goal to kick-start his season.

Young star Antonio gets a deserved ovation when he is subbed and we get see a cameo from debutant Luis Guilherme. Sub Aaron Cresswell puts a late free kick well over the bar. It's a shame the Irons don't go all out for a fifth, but 4-1 is a very decent result after three home defeats. We can now go into the international break looking up rather than down.

We trek to the Eagle where Sinead has Guinness for Michael and bottles of London Pride in the fridge, plus Tayto crisps. Matt reveals that he based his career plans on watching Minder, as it looked great fun drinking all day. But instead he went into the entirely sober profession of journalism, quips Michael. While we all enjoy sending Nigel messages on WhatsApp saying that he's missed the game of the century. So this is what a home win feels like. More of these please, Mr Lopetegui. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 6, Todibo 7, Kilman 6, Emerson 7 (Cresswell 5); Rodriguez 6 (Alvarez 6), Soucek 6, Paqueta 7 (Summerville 5); Bowen 8, Antonio 8 (Soler 5), Kudus 7 (Guilherme n/a).

Time to stop doubting Tomas

Interesting to note that Tomas Soucek's goal at Brentford was his 29th Premier League goal (he's scored 34 in all competitions) in four and a half seasons at West Ham. That's not bad at all for a defensive midfielder. Soucek isn't a great passer and at six foot four inches can look ungainly, but he's certainly a nuisance in both boxes.The other positive is his attitude, he frequently tops the Premier League stats for most distance covered in a game and would clearly run through a field of potato salad for the Irons. Tomas did the scuffling to allow Paqueta's pass to Bowen in Prague and that seems to sum up his contribution. Players like Paqueta and Kudus need the odd workhorse behind them. And with neither Rodriguez or Alvarez having the knack of scoring it's now very hard for Loppy to leave Soucek out. 

Andy Irving: international man of mystery

It's not often you have no idea who one of your own players is. Andy Irving has now come on as a sub for three games in a row, most recently for a five-minute cameo against Fulham. He even got a shot in against Chelsea. Did he fall to Earth like David Bowie? Andy apparently signed for West Ham from Austria Klagenfurt on deadline day at the start of last season, though at the time neither club confirmed the deal. He was then immediately loaned back to Austria Klagenfurt. It was a productive spell with the midfielder scoring nine goals in 28 games for the Austrian outfit including a hat-trick against Red Bull Salzburg. Then he returned to West Ham, scored a belter in the pre-season friendly at Dagenham, and now seems to be a fixture in the squad. In fact Andy's just been called up by Scotland. 

Irving, now 24, started his career at Hearts, where he scored twice in 46 appearances and played for Scotland Under-21s. He also had loan spells at Berwick and Falkirk. The peripatetic Scot then signed for German third division side Türkgücü München. He had a season there before financial problems forced the club to resign from the league, and was then signed by Austria Klagenfurt and the rest is obscure Hammers history. He's certainly come to West Ham via a circuitous route. Though the alternative theory is that he is actually secret agent 007 planted at West Ham to tackle the evil megalomaniacs and dastardly states controlling the Premier League and now bent on world domination.

Soucek secures point at the bus stop in Hounslow

Brentford 1 West Ham 1

It's a trifle disconcerting to switch on the BBC live match text reports at 3.01 and discover that West Ham are a goal down after 38 seconds. Normally we wait four or five minutes to concede an early goal. As Lisa comments on WhatsApp, perhaps we are trying to beat our personal best. 

The trouble begins when Emerson is beaten for pace by Schade and Areola palms away the resulting cross. Another cross comes in, Todibo heads away, Brentford win the second ball and Mbuemo scores with a brilliant volley.

That's nine goals conceded in two games and one minute. To give the players credit they make a determined effort to get back into the game. Kudus, released by Soucek, fires a shot into Flekken and Antonio drags an effort wide. But only a good challenge by Wan-Bissaka prevents Mbuemo making it two with a header before the break.

Lopetegui isn't scared of using subs and this time his changes at the break work. It's brave to take off Kudus for Soler, while Emerson is hooked with Wan-Bissaka moved to left-back and Mavropanos coming on at right back. The idea seems to be to give the Irons more physicality at the back and by all accounts Dinos has a good game in an unfamiliar position. 

The Hammers equalise after 54 minutes. Paqueta does well to win the ball back from Mbuemo on the left, Soucek and Bowen exchange passes and Jarrod does a lovely back heel to Soucek, who flicks on to Antonio whose effort is half-blocked, the ball falling to Soucek to fire home. Tomas does his twirling celebration and though he might be a Moyes stalwart, Loppy is learning that we look a better team with Tomas in the side.

Brentford have a couple of hopeful appeals for penalties turned down in the final ten minutes and Todibo has a decent game at the back. There's even another five-minute cameo from the unknown footballer, Andy Irving. 

In fact it's West Ham who threaten to win it at the end of eight minutes of added time, as Soler's hooked effort is tipped on to the top of the bar by Flekken. Bizarrely and against precedent the ref doesn't allow any time for the corner kick to be taken, causing an eruption from Lopetegui and the players. 

Still, we're relieved to get an away point at the bus stop in Hounslow after that early goal and this was encouraging in terms of spirit. Unbeaten away, defeated every time at home. Hopefully the visit of Ipswich next week can deliver that much-needed home win.

Another mauling at Liverpool

Liverpool 5 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

After the Chelsea defeat a trip to Anfield wasn't exactly welcome. One-one at half-time is a promising scoreline though. Danny Ings had an early goal disallowed too. The Hammers take the lead when Cresswell's corner causes confusion as Alvarez tried to get a shot away and a Liverpool clearance deflected in off Quansah. Four minutes later it's 1-1 as Chiesa shoots into the ground and Jota gets between Fabianski and Kilman to score with a brave header, 

Yet again though, the Hammers concede soon after the break as Jones finds Jota, who slots home with a cool finish. The arrival of sub Antonio makes a difference and West Ham nearly equalise when following good work by Summerville and Antonio, Kilman can't react quickly enough to score, firing against Kelleher.

The game is over when Fabianski saves well from Bradley only for Salah to shoot the rebound in toi the roof of the net. It gets worse aa Alvaraz receives a silly second booking for a rash challenge on Salah and the Irons are down to ten men. Even at 3-1 down, Summerville misses a really good chance after being set up by Antonio. 

Liverpool then bag a couple in added time through Gakpo, the second aided by a fortunate deflection off Todibo.The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff has been postponed yet again, It's been a miserable week for the Hammers. To cap it all, Lopetegui leaves the game on crutches after injuring himself stamping his foot. He's learning that supporting West Ham is a painful business.

It's been a slightly better performance than Chelsea, but northing is going for the team at the moment. We're still in Ghent, where the local Gent fans wear nooses to reflect the nickname of “noose bearers” given to Ghent residents. This dates back to the Ghent revolt of 1539 when King Charles V of Spain made the ringleaders parade in their underwear with nooses around their necks. West Ham fans do not as yet sport nooses, but after this we might well be tempted.

I don't want to go to Chelsea

West Ham 0 Chelsea 3

Luckily we're on holiday in Belgium for this one, with West Ham collapsing like a set of fragile waffles. There's a real Hammers problem with conceding early goals. Kudus gets an early shot away but when Mavropanos gives away a free kick in the fourth minute, Chelsea's quick response baffles the West Ham defence. Jackson is being man-marked by Alvarez in a strange tactical ploy by Lopetegui. The Chelsea striker has acres of space on the left, Wan-Bissaka is occupied with Sancho and the Chelsea man runs through to shoot through Areola's legs. 

Chelsea almost get a second when Jackson is again afforded infinite space on the left flank and sets up Palmer to fire just wide. The second does arrive when Chelsea ping the ball around in midfield without a West Ham challenge, Mavropanos steps in and Caicedo has time to play an easy through ball to Jackson, who slots home having lost Kilman.

Lopetegui admits he's got his tactics wrong in the 38th minute by substituting Rodriguez with Soucek. There's a brief West Ham revival, with Summerville having a clear penalty turned down after Fofana grabs his arm. Kudus has a goal correctly disallowed for offside and Soucek at least gets a shot away at Sanchez.

But the game is over in the first minute of the second half as the Irons again concede early. Chelsea counter attack with Jackson again free on the left and Kilman up against two men. He finds Palmer who beats Areola at his near post. 

Bowen has a shot blocked but only a brilliant save by Areola from Nkunku's header keeps the score down. West Ham leave the pitch to a round of boos while I console myself with a glass of aptly-named Bolleke beer. 

On WhatsApp Matt suggests it's the worst home performance since the 6-0 defeat by Arsenal. The Irons have lost their first three games at home for the first time in their history. It's early days and Aston Villa, Man City and Chelsea have been quality opponents, but we should at least be giving them a game. This was nowhere near good enough. 

Ings can only get better

Fulham 1 West Ham 1

It's a strange team selection from Lopetegui, with a midfield of Rodriguez, Alvarez and Soucek looking decidedly uncreative. His decision to rest Lucas Paqueta might be because Lucas has played twice for Brazil in the international break, but may also owe something to Paqueta's poor form against Man City and the strain the playmaker is under as he awaits those FA charges. 

With Fullkrug inured while playing for Germany Antonio is again the main striker rather than Jarrod Bowen, while Crysencio Summerville remains on the bench. Dinos is again preferred to Todibo at the back. 

Fulham have the better of the first half. The ref turns down claims for a penalty against Kilman after he appears to push Traore, who is through on goal. The Fulham player goes down easily, but it could well have been given. Traore then heads a decent chance wide of the post.

Fulham take the lead when West Ham's offside trap fails and Smith-Rowe retrieves a ball that looks to be going out of play. Mavropanos does that silly hands behind the back defending and can't prevent the cross, as Jiminez gets ahead of Kilman to flick home.

Lopetegui acts at half time bringing on Jimmy Summerville for Antonio and Paqueta for Soucek, Bowen becoming the main striker. The changes almost work on 60 minutes when Kudus crosses and Bowen controls well to shoot against the legs of Leno. Luckily Fulham can't make it two as Traore heads another chance wide. Loppy has brought on Coufal for Emerson, Soler for Rodriguez and now Danny Ings for Alvarez.

OH DANNY BOY

We're at Rachel and Andy's wedding in Newark (so good they named it twice), loitering by the canopes, as I sneak off to the gents to search for news of the inevitable 1-0 loss and ponder the fact there's only one F in Fulham. But I've reckoned without Dingsie turning into a super sub. 

In the 95th minute Summerville does well to win a throw-in. Coufal takes it quickly and Bowen races to cross before the ball goes over the touchline. Danny Ings takes a good first touch and fires a low effort past Leno at his near post. It's a great moment for Ings, who never seems to complain about being on the bench. Perhaps he's been inspired by the fact his hair transplant seems to have worked. Matt WhatApps to say he's never doubted him.

There's still time for Bassey to head wide for Fulham, but after the 5-0 defeat last season we'll take a draw. There's work to be done but at least the players kept fighting to the end. What Lopetegui needs to do now is get Fullkrug and Summerville in the side and give Todibo a go at the back. Though credit to the gaffer for taking off his three holding midfielders and ending with a very attacking line-up. Irons!

Seven of the Europa Conference League winning side have now departed

It's been a busy transfer window for the Hammers with nine players arriving and ten leaving, either permanently or on loan. What's striking about the modern face of football is how many of the Europa Conference League winning side have now left just a year after that epic triumph. Declan Rice departed for some no-hope trophyless outfit in north London. Said Benrahma has now signed for Lyon after a poor half-season at West Ham and loan to France in 2023-24. Kurt Zouma started the game at centre back but has now been loaned to Saudi Arabian club Al-Orabah, while his defensive partner Nayef Aguerd has gone on loan to Real Sociedad. 

All three subs who came on have also departed. Thilo Kehrer has signed for Monaco, Pablo Fornals has left for Real Betis and Angelo Ogbonna has signed for Watford. So of the 14 players who got on the pitch in Prague, seven have left. That's quite a turnover when you consider how long the 1975 and 1980 FA Cup winning sides stayed together.

Our support is effing rude!

West Ham has the third most foul-mouthed fans in the Premier League according to a new study. Experts at QR Code Generator analysed the 200 most popular posts and subsequent comments for each Premier League team’s subreddit. The study then calculated the number of swear words used per 1,000 Reddit comments to determine the final ranking. 

Nottingham Forest fans came top, followed by Chelsea, whose supporters are f***ing s**t, as we well know. West Ham were third with an average of 78.78 swear words used per 1,000 Reddit posts – 27% higher than the average swear count. The study found that West Ham fans had used 715 counts of offensive language on the team’s subreddit. 

The big question is why are West Ham only third? Anyone who has sat next to my pal the Vicar's Son will know that West Ham fans are definitely the sweariest in the league. 

Manchester so much to answer for

West Ham 1 Manchester City 3

Someone called Noel Gallagher is in attendance at the London Stadium trying not to look back in Ongar. In a week of surprise reunions we're joined by Clacton's prodigal fan Alison, eager to escape her local MP, whoever he is. Nigel and CQ are here, though Michael is possibly being held in a flat full of bad people. We hope to rescue him soon. Black balloons waft in the air, released as part of the restore our concessions campaign.

A tardy Matt and Gavin miss the early West Ham onslaught as Bowen tests Ederson and then Antonio nearly gets a toe to Kudus' dangerous cross, only to be thwarted by Dias' fine clearance. 

Then City, playing in a luminous cycling kit, start to establish their passing rhythm and West Ham's full-backs aren't getting close enough to Doku and Grealish (who has left the sniper at home it seems). The double pivot of Alvarez and Rodriguez doesn't quite work and Soucek is a little unlucky to have been be dropped. Alison remarks that Kilman's defending reminds her of my firm but fair performances for the Shenfield School First X1 in the 1970s, as Nigel comments that's why I'm still worth £40 million, even though these days my pace might have waned a little.

City take the lead when Emerson overhits a pass to Paqueta, who miscontrols allowing Bernardo Silva to play in Haaland. With two touches the Iron Giant makes the finish look easy. Haaland adopts a meditative squat channelling Zen and the art of ponytail-tying.

City take control as De Bruyne forces a fine save from Areola and then hits the post. Haaland even races back 50 yards to dispossess the flying Antonio.

But suddenly the Hammers are back in it. Bowen races down the right to cross hard and low. There's no-one in the box but Dias turns the ball past Ederson. Disbelieving cheers and laughter echo round the stadium.

But you always sense City can move up a gear. Ten minutes later Grealish is allowed to cut in too easily and a neat interchange between Kovacic and Lewis sets up Haaland to turn and wallop a shot into the top of the net. Emerson could have been tighter.

But there's always hope if we can get the ball to Kudus. Just before the interval Alvarez finds him and the pacy wide man shoots just wide from the edge of the area. The key moment occurs just after the break. Paqueta does well to calmly play the ball to Kudus from his own six-yard-box. Kudus explodes into the City half, finds Bowen, takes the return ball and fires against the top of the post. That thrilling break certainly lifts the crowd as they sense an upset. 

SUPERSONIC HAALAND

Lopetegui brings on Fullkrug, Coufal, Soucek and Summerville as the Hammers try to equalise. Paqueta stays on but is having one of those games where very little comes off. But the game is over after 83 minutes. Mavropanos rushes out of defence, fails to win the ball and leaves a big gap behind him. The other defenders don't cover and Haaland expertly keeps just onside and casually lobs over substitute keeper Fabianski. Matt suggests that Todibo has to play next time.

The popping black balloons sound like burst bubbles. There's still time for Soucek to screw an effort wide and Ederson to tip Summerville's shot against the post. At least we've given the best side in the country a game and seen glimpses of hope. Some might say City look certain to win the league again. 

We're in need of alcohol and no cigarettes as we head for the Eagle. The fridge isn't working so it's warm East London Pale Ale and Atlantic as Matt announces that Oasis were a bit overrated and Nigel says he never plays their later albums. We catch an unexpected gig, a couple of Irish blokes on stage singing The Wild Rover, Gentle on my Mind, Whisky in the Jar and Dirty Old Town, all over a backdrop of dodgy WHU defending being analysed on the TV screen. We've not even had to log on to Ticketmaster to attend.

So it's Fulham next week and the Hammers in need of another away win in London. Still, it's no disgrace to lose to City. Bowen and Kudus have played really well and the new signings need time, so let's see where we are after the first ten games. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6 (Fabianski 6); Wan-Bissaka 6, Kilman 6, Mavropanos 5, Emerson 5 (Coufal 5); Rodriguez 6, Alvarez 5 (Soucek 5), Paqueta 5; Bowen 7 (Summerville 6), Antonio 6 (Fullkrug 5), Kudus 8.

Soler power replaces JWP's set-pieces

Well, a late flurry of activity as the transfer window closed. It was surprising to see James Ward-Prowse loaned to Nottingham Forest. He scored seven and assisted seven goals in the league and assisted another four goals in cup competitions last season. James might not have been a starter under Loppy, and he generally played it safe as a central midfielder, but he never gets injured and would have been a great option to bring on and fling in set pieces when chasing games. 

More positively Lopetegui has managed to sign Carlos Soler on loan from Paris Saint Germain for the season and he clearly rates him above JWP. Soler has 14 caps for Spain, a hipster beard and a couple of title medals with PSG so he's obviously a handy player. And this is probably a signal that J-Lo no longer wants West Ham to be seen as a set-piece side. Though having failed to see Ward-Prowse score with a free kick all last season what are the odds that he bags one in his first game for Forest?

Nayef Aguerd has been loaned out for the season to Real Sociedad. There's clearly a lot going on behind the scenes and presumably Nayef hadn't settled in England. But Moyes loved him when he arrived and it seems too soon to give up on a £30 million player who makes fewer mistakes than the promising but raw Dinos Mavropanos.

The other departure is Maxwel Cornet to Southampton, which will leave my pal Matt gutted. Cornet looked a good player at Burnley and scored some cracking goals, but never got going at West Ham after an early injury, though he did a good job of gatecrashing the Europa Conference League celebrations.

But overall it's been a good window with the squad left stronger after Tim Stedten's work. WHU have signed Kilman, Todibo, Wan-Bissaka, Soler, Rodriguez, Guilherme, Fullkrug, Foderingham  and Summerville, while Ward-Prowse, Aguerd, Cornet, Johnson, Ogbonna, Benrahma, Kehrer and probably Zouma have departed. Now Lopetegui just has to mould this lot into a team, 

Bowen's handy goal sees off Cherries

West Ham 1 Bournemouth 0 (Carabao Cup)

We're down to the diehards in the Billy Bonds Stand. Lisa has arrived from a lonely vigil in the Best Cafe and Nigel, who has been busy researching his list of top ten pubs in the world, is present with his giant sausage. Matt is working from home with one eye on the score and Michael is away with his folios.

Aaron Cresswell is injured in the warm-up so Coufal is back in and Wan-Bissaka plays left-back. The new signings all get a run out but West Ham struggle to break down a neat-passing Cherries side as Hill heads wide for Bournemouth early on. 

The annoying fan behind us gives a running commentary on the game and already seems to have it in for Fullkrug. The big German looks isolated, as were Haller and Scamacca, but he does fire wide a long range effort early on. He then gets his head on a corner, but Soucek hits the half-chance over.

Wan-Bissaka looks like he could become a bit of a cult figure, defying his Man United critics by getting  forward well from the unfamiliar position of left back and combining well with Jimmy Summerville. The Irons' best move sees Kilman and Fullkrug combine to release Summerville. But Crysencio slices over when he should score. Before the break Bournemouth almost take the lead as Quattara's brilliant heel-flick is superbly saved by Fabianski.

It's not been a great half. The most interesting thing is the half-time mascot race between Hammerhead and Teddy Bear. And the fact that Summerville is in gloves - in August.

Summerville cuts inside to shoot just wide, but Bournemouth then start to dominate the second half. Mavropanos is on for Todibo, but he loses Evanilson, who gets behind the Greek to scuff wide when he should score. Tavernier hits the post with a free kick and then gets behind Dinos again only to shoot wide when he should have squared it. "Get Dinos off!" messages the getting angry from home Matt.

Dinos then does some good stuff at the other end, intercepting well to set up Bowen for a shot that is parried by Neto. By now Loppy has been forced to bring on Paqueta and Kudus in an effort to avoid penalties. This raises the crowd as does a great tackle from Wan-Bissaka.

With 88 minutes gone Paqueta dinks it into the box. Bowen is tackled but the ball falls to Kudus. Mo's drive hits Bowen and is deflected into the net. Jarrod runs to our corner as the Bournemouth players claim for handball. Luckily there's no VAR in the Carabao Cup as the ball does appear to hit Jarrod's arm. though it was impossible to tell in real time.

We'll take the win though. We head off to Ye Olde Black Bull for Brixton Pale Ale and Diet Coke, anticipating the draw for the next round. But in a shocking disregard of the spirit of cup competitions, this year the big teams in Europe are kept apart in a separate pool, and all seem to get drawn at home too. 

As soon as Liverpool comes out of the bag we know what's coming next. "Liverpool ffs" is Matt's cryptic message. This happened last season too.They really shouldn't have the draw immediately after a hard-fought win. Let us savour the game for a day before announcing we're drawn away to Liverpool or Man United, as is always the case. Infamy, infamy.

The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff in Kew Gardens isn't looking very likely, but at least it was a good run-out for the new boys and a very decent crowd of 47,000. Next comes the small matter of Manchester City.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 6, Kilman 7, Todibo 6 (Mavropanos 5), Wan-Bissaka 7; Soucek 5, Ward-Prowse 5 (Rodriguez 6), Alvarez 6 (Paqueta 6); Bowen 7, Summerville 6 (Emerson 5), Fullkrug 5 (Kudus 7).

Hammers storm Palace

Crystal Palace 0 West Ham 2 (two)

It seems a strange team selection from Lopetegui, with the gaffer selecting the same side that lost to Aston Villa. The bench looks stronger than the first team, featuring new signings Fullkrug, Summerville, Todibo, Wan-Bissake and the returning Alvarez.

Kudus fires just wide early on after a surging run from Bowen, but Palace have the better of the first half. Areola makes a good low save with his foot from Eze. Wharton sends Edouard clear but the striker scuffs it wide. Considering West Ham were 4-0 down after 30 minutes last season it's a great relief to be level at the half-hour stage, with Kilman having a very solid game at the back. Before the interval Eze fires a languid shot against the bar from a corner routine.

The Irons improve after the interval, particularly when Wan-Bissaka and Fullkrug come on. The breakthrough arrives after 67 minutes. Palace old boy Aaron Wan-Bissaka wins the ball and hurdles two tackles before racing over the half-way line and cleverly flicking to Bowen with the outside of his foot. Jarrod finds Paqueta whose effort is blocked. Fullkrug competes for the loose ball and it falls to Super Tomas Soucek to stroke home. 

Tomas, who is making himself undroppable, wheels away doing his trademark twirling celebration and dreaming of potato salad. As he does so in front of the celebrating West Ham fans an electronic hoarding collapses and a Palace ball boy is almost flattened under the weight of several big blokes from Billericay. Luckily Soucek and Bowen act quickly to rescue the boy and prevent him turning into Flat Stanley. Super hero Jarrod even gives the lad his shirt after the game.

It gets better as Max Kilman wins a tackle, advances past two Palace players and plays a lovely ball out to Bowen on the right. Jarrod cuts inside his man and fires home, running to the away fans tapping his captain's armband.

Theres still time for Sarr to rather fortunately deflect the ball with his thigh on to Areola' s post but the Irons see out the game fairly comfortably. A great away win and the first clean sheet since winning at the Emirates at the end of December. 

Perhaps Lopetegui does know what he's doing and integrating the new signings slowly has worked. To some extent we've been lucky in that Palace have sold the influential Olise, Andersen and Ayew, but it's still a massive improvement on last season at a ground where we normally struggle. This victory was quite Moyesian in feel in that WHU only had 41 per cent possession, but the defensive resilience and speed on the counter was impressive. 

Another 37 points and we're safe. Irons!