RIP: Steve Bacon

Sad to hear of the death of Steve Bacon. There can't be any other football photographer who was so well known. Steve had his own  chant of "There's only one Stevie Bacon!" from the fans and inspired Phill Jupitus to pen the very funny Clicker Bacon cartoon in Fortune's Always Hiding fanzine. Clicker even had a book published by Biteback in 2012, There's Only One Stevie Bacon. 

Here's what my review at the time said. "As club photographer for 30 years Bacon travelled on the team bus and roomed with the team, so he has lots of juicy inside info on the banter, boozing and lads’ shenanigans, though all told from the viewpoint of a Plaistow-born West Ham fan. We learn that Lou Macari, whom Bacon got on well with, asked Stevie’s advice before signing Colin Foster. He clearly didn't get on with Alan Pardew and writes, “I’ve never known a more arrogant man in my life”. Pards didn’t get off to a good start with Steve when he announced at a hotel dinner that if Bacon’s order looked nicer, “I’m having that!” Never come between a growing lad and his grub. The book recounts a terrified Paolo Di Canio refusing to fly, Harry Redknapp covering Don Hutchison is sandwiches, John Moncur leaping naked from lockers during team talks and Igor Stimac arranging for the players to shoot machine guns in a Croatian wood while playing in the UEFA Cup."

Let's hope Stevie gets some fine shots of Bobby Moore and co from the great touchline up above.

Jarrod Bowen's on fire for England

Great to see Jarrod Bowen bag his first goal for England against Ireland last night. It took him all of 28 seconds on the pitch to score with a fine strike from the edge of the box. My pal Mystic Matt was there too and in fine form, predicting that Bowen would never score for England as Jarrod came on. Bowen also forced a good save form Kelleher. Jarrod had a couple of decent cameos in the Euros (he'd have had an assist of Kane hadn't hit the bar) but once Lee Carsley took charge, Chelsea's Noni Madueke was promoted above him. Madueke is undoubtedly a player of potential, but Jarrod is more experienced and better defensively. He deserves some starts under Thomas Tuchel.

Drawing drawing West Ham

West Ham 0 Everton 0

It's a cultured start to the day as walking up Highbury Park we encounter a pop-up art show by Gail Seres-Woolfson, Peter Carty the author of Art, and then best-selling author David Nicholls, hoping that One Day West Ham will win. 

The culture continues in the Best Cafe where polymaths Matt and Lisa have returned from a mini-break in Aberystwyth, though they were gutted to miss Aberystwyth versus Newtown. After unexpectedly quick service we head to the stadium to meet Highway Stars Nigel and CQ, who have just seen Deep Purple at the O2. Land of Hope and Glory is played on the PA before The Last Post marks Remembrance Sunday. 

The only problem is that the football then starts. It's a game of misplaced passes. A West Ham corner results in a break from Everton and only a brilliant saving tackle from Summerville prevents the Toffees taking the lead. Wan-Bissaka keeps playing it to Everton and the Hammers build-up is ponderous at best. "I'd have more fun poking needles in my eyes," suggests the fan in front of us. 

Soucek's dawdling in the box when he could shoot seems to sum up the lack of confidence in the side. Not much happens till just before half-time when Antonio's strong run sets up Bowen for a low shot that Pickford parries. Then Antonio is set up by Bowen and almost rounds the keeper to win a corner.

The second half sees a marginal improvement. Bowen shoots wide and then a determined run by Summerville sets up Rodriguez for a powerful low shot that Pickord turns away. At the other end Fabianski has to tip over a header from Lindstrom. 

Sub Soler looks a neat passer in a more central role and Ings add something in the second half too. Paqueta plays a great through ball to Summerville who hits the post. More like the old Lucas that. Then a good run by Soler sees Ings test Pickford with a low shot. With virtually the final kick Ings does well to bring he ball down and take a return pass from Paqueta before seeing Pickford brilliantly parry his deflected effort. A poor game but the Irons had the better chances.

Strangely Nigel regards my view that at least we kept a clean sheet as a tad Panglossian. While Michael, away in Dorset, doesn't seem to believe the WhatsApp messages saying it was a scintillating feast of football. 

We retreat to the Eagle where Sinead has Whitstable Bay ale in the fridge this week and the finest Irish whiskey for Matt. There's something of a Pink Floyd festival on the jukebox with CQ admiring the bass line of Money and Nigel confessing to be Comfortably Numb after WHU's performance. Watching the Sky game Mystic Matt announces that "Man City will win 1-0" just as Brighton score twice.

Everton looked fairly poor today apart from their defence, so it's two points lost and not a great performance to inspire faith in the new gaffer. Though on the other hand WHU were a bit unlucky at times and any sign of defensive solidity is welcome. Newcastle away really will be a test though in two weeks' time.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Wan-Bissaka 5 (Coufal 5), Kilman 6, Todibo 5, Emerson 6;Rodriguez 6 (Soler 6), Soucek 5, Paqueta 6; Bowen 7, Antonio 6 (Ings 7), Summerville 7 (Guilherme n/a).

Not looking good

Well, it's a five-game ban for Kudus, which is probably better than expected as he fitted three red card incidents into one. Alvarez is suspended. Fullkrug is still likely to be out for several weeks and to worsen our misery Richard Keys has suggested Frank Lampard as West Ham's next manager. Perhaps BFF could employ Paul Ince and Jermain Defoe as his assistants? Now Jacob Steinberg says that Lopetegui could be sacked if the Irons lose to Everton. And a Sean Dyche team will relish a physical tussle with a team low on confidence. Apart from that it's all going to plan.

Alvarez red card helps Forest fire three past hapless Hammers

Nottingham Forest 3 West Ham 0

Having lost at the City Ground two seasons running this always felt like a difficult game. Playing the second half with Wan-Bissaka and Emerson as wing-backs had worked against Man United, so Lopetegui opts for three centre backs with Dinos joining Kilman and Todibo. Soucek has a virus so it's a not-very-creative twin midfield axis of Alvarez and Rodriguez, while Jimmy Summerville finally starts.

Forest look livelier from the start though and after half an hour the breakthrough comes. Moreno isn't tracked as he gets down the left. Dinos does that silly defending with his arms behind his back thing as Moreno crosses for the in-form Chris Wood to head home. The big striker has lost Todibo and Alvarez is also standing there with his arms behind his back. So much for the three centre backs keeping it tight.

The crucial action happens just before the break. West Ham finally come up with a shot on goal as Kilman heads back and Paqueta's decent strike is hooked off the line by Wood. Alvarez has already been booked for a needless shirt-tug and as Forest break, lunges in on Elanga. He appears to play a bit of the ball but is out of control and receives a second yellow. That really was a stupid tackle to make when on a yellow and it's Eddy's second red this season. He's a good player but is becoming a liability. To compound the misery Alvarez can't remember where the tunnel is and goes to the wrong end of the stadium, much to the amusement of the home fans.

Loppy brings on Soler and Antonio for his muscle, though once again poor old Summerville is hooked. West Ham improve initially but the game is over when Hudson-Odoi's shot curls through a packed penalty area and above Fabianski's hands, having taken a slight nick off a defender. It's three when Todibo can't clear effectively and Aina puts a screamer into the top corner.

Yates has a goal disallowed for offside and only a couple of brilliant saves from Fabianski keep the score down. Even the fact that Matt and Lisa have gone on a pilgrimage to Hereford Cathedral in a bid to locate the spiritual home of Jarrod Bowen can't save us. Meanwhile in the Nigel derby it's ended Felixstowe 2 Brentwood 1, so at least someone is happy. 

After ten games it's starting to develop into a very worrying season. There appears to be a discipline problem at the club with Kudus and Alvarez getting sent off in two of the last three games, there's no date for Fullkrug's return and the three new signings don't seem to have improved the defence. We should at least be giving Forest a game. More of this and Lopetegui is in trouble. 

Statement win for Hammers with cast-iron(ish) penalty

West Ham 2 Manchester United 1

Arriving at the London Stadium I'm greeted by the incredible news from Michael the Whovian that a disco version of the Doctor Who theme has been played on the PA before kick-off. Even more surprisingly Matt, Lisa, Michael and Big Sam have been served quickly and efficiently in the Best Cafe. DC is absent we learn, taking in the Leaning Tower of Pisa, a structure built on dodgy foundations, so nothing at all like being at West Ham.

Loppy has dropped Areola, Todibo and Soucek, while Kudus is suspended. The game kicks off with the sun in our eyes and Man United dominating. In the second minute Garnacho hits the bar. Fabianski has to block a shot from Hojlund and Fernandes head a good chance over. A simple ball over the top from Fernandes sees Dalot round Fabianski and then shoot over an open goal to much derision from the home fans. Alvarez back-heads a United corner against his own bar. Fabianski has to make a great one-handed save to keep out Casemiros's header.

Antonio has worked hard and Wan-Bissaka has at times threatened going forward, but it's been a very poor half from West Ham and United could be three or four up. Soler looks lost on the left wing, Paqueta has been peripheral and the Irons haven't got stuck into United at all.  

At half time we agree that there are two ways of looking at it; if we've ridden our luck so much we could go and win it, or that it's inevitable the pressure will eventually tell. Lopetegui takes decisive action at the break, taking off Mavropanos, Paqueta and Soler for Todibo, Soucek and Summerville. He might even have thrown some teacups.

West Ham start with much greater intensity as Bowen and Wan-Bissaka cause problems on the right and Soucek gives us a greater physical presence.. On the left wing Jimmy Summerville's speed is a welcome outlet and he plays in several inviting crosses. Emerson can\t quite get on the end of Antonio's cross. Antonio curls a shot just wide and the crowd start to get behind the Irons. Danny Ings comes on for Antonio.

VAR WE LOVE YOU

Incredibly WHU take the lead on 74 minutes. Bowen crosses from the right, Ings scuffs his shot and Summerville has made up a lot of ground to stroke home at the back post as the Bobby Moore Stand erupts. That will give Crysencio some confidence. 

Only then West Ham sit back and seven minutes later United win three headers in the box and Casemiro equalises. To their credit Lopetegui's men go for a winner. In the final minute the ball is lofted into the box and Ings goes down after a challenge from De Ligt. The ref plays on but a minute later there's a VAR check. Referee Coote awards a penalty after going to the monitor, even though it looks more like Ings has run into the big Dutchman. The United players go mental for a minute or so surrounding the ref. Thankfully Jarrod Bowen keeps cool after the long stoppage to stroke home a fine penalty. 

There's a tremendously nervy 14 minutes of added time as Todibo does well at the back, Emerson fires at Onana and eventually West Ham hold on for three points. There's something very satisfying about nicking a game after being outplayed in the first half and getting a late dodgy penalty.

Nigel and Sam take a detour on the way to the Eagle to buy a half and half scarf. The cover story is it's for Big Sam's stepdad, though we suspect it's actually for Nigel, as he's always wanted a West Ham/Man United half and half scarf. 

"These London derbies are always difficult," suggests Nigel. We agree that United's fans in Guildford and Woking will be gutted. Perhaps MUFC will turn to David Moyes to try and keep them up.

In the Eagle Sinead has Greene King IPA in the fridge as Matt reminisces about their greatest trips to Rochdale and the fact it's the only ground where he's seen a fox on the pitch - apart from at Leicester, of course. We agree that United just couldn't handle Danny Ings and get another round in. While Michael enjoys so much added drinking time it could be David Coote is officiating in the Eagle. Will this result kick-start our season? Hopefully so. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Wan-Bissaka 7, Mavropanos 6 (Todibo 7), Kilman 6, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 6 (Cresswell n/a), Alvarez 6, Paqueta 5 (Soucek 6), Soler 4 (Summerville 8); Bowen 8, Antonio 7 (Ings 7). 

Plaistow meets the chattering classes

It's not often the Black Lion gets a mention on Radio 4's Today programme. But this morning Sir Geoff Hurst, discussing his new book, Last Boy of '66, recalled that the West Ham players used to go to the Black Lion at Plaistow after games at the Boleyn, which he said you can't imagine modern players doing. Though perhaps that might be an idea for Lopetegui to consider as a means of boosting team spirit(s).

Lopetegui not in danger - yet

Jacob Steinberg in the Guardian reports that there is no imminent danger of the sack for Julen Lopetegui despite West Ham's poor start. It would indeed be silly to appoint a manager to oversee a new style, sign ten players, and then sack him after eight league games. But if he fails to get any results in the next four games against Man United, Notts Forest, Everton and Newcastle then he really could be in trouble, having spent £150 million on new players.

Much of the manager's role is to be a conduit to the supporters and Loppy's demeanour after the Spurs game was worrying. Moyes would have given the players his Glasgow death stare after that result and Kudus' self-indulgent red card, but Lopetegui seemed a little too laid back. You'd hope that in the dressing room he was a lot more demonstrative.

The manager has some big decisions to make, most notably over Lucas Paqueta. It's only natural that the prospect of a career-ending ban has affected his form. Lucas might be better used off the bench until the issue is resolved and Soler given a chance to become the team's creative hub.

Lopetegui has his expensive new defence together, but the unit of Wan-Bissaka, Kilman, Todibo and Emerson clearly needs work on the training ground because we're looking as leaky as last season. Might there be a case for bringing in Mavropanos and going with five at the back? Areola has let in soft goals in the last two games but is usually a fine keeper (witness that save from Delap) so deserves persevering with for now.

The gaffer needs to get Alvarez back in midfield and decide if he wants to play him with Rodriguez or not. To my mind they look too similar to each other, while the decision to loan out Ward-Prowse (who never gets injured) has deprived the side of guaranteed goals from corners. 

Lopetegui has been unlucky with the injury to Niclas Fullkrug and his return would certainly give everyone a boost, as 34-year-old Antonio is more of an impact sub these days. The suspension of Kudus means Summerville must get a chance. He was the star of the Championship last season and needs a run. While if Guilherme is worth £20 million shouldn't he be getting some action off the bench? 

Loppy also needs to have words with Kudus, who was both our best and worst player against Spurs. He's got tons of talent but at times needs to do the simple thing for the team and cut out the battering of Spurs players. Jarrod Bowen is exempt from criticism, but you do wonder if it might be easier to have a captain who could read the game from defence or midfield. What the team lacked at Spurs was someone to calm the side and keep it tight at 2-1 down. 

The fixture list hasn't been kind with four of the first eight games being against top-six clubs Villa, Man City, Chelsea and Spurs. But even so things have to improve, and quickly.

West Ham get battered as Mo sees Red

Tottenham 4 West Ham 1

It's down the Tottenham High Road in the rain to meet Nigel outside the Number 8 pub for our foray into Spurs country. What could possibly go wrong against a team that lost a two-goal lead last time out?

It's all Spurs early on but the Hammers defend fairly well with Rodriguez mopping up in front of the back four. Mo Kudus forces the first save of the game, as Vicario parries his effort. On 18 minutes it gets better as the Hammers have a spell of pressure, Bowen gets away down the right and crosses for Kudus to stroke home. Is it going to happen again?

Spurs force a series of corners, and Son dances though the defence trying to win a penalty.  Unfortunately the pressure tells before the break as the impressive Kulusevski wriggles through to shoot and surprises Areola, the ball deflecting off both post posts and over the line. Still, 1-1 at half-time isn't too bad and Nigel has his lucky banana out. 

Then comes an eight minute collapse. Just as Mystic Morris is saying that if we defend deep all game a deflection could go in or we concede a penalty. Son feeds Udogie who pulls back for Bissouma to fire through the legs of Kilman and past an unsighted Areola. Three minutes later Paqueta loses possession, Spurs break and Areola parries Son's rather tame shot. The ball unluckily deflects off the keeper and on to Todibo and back on to the Fonz and over the line for a comedy own goal.

Kudus gets a shot away at Vicario at 3-1 but soon we're 4-1 down. The Irons are caught too far upfield, Todibo is left all alone against Son and The Tottenham man, although forced wide, fires a shot past Areola at his near post. The keeper shouldn't have been beaten by that one.

The subs arrive but the game has gone. Son hits the post as Spurs almost make it 5-1.West Ham have a claim for a handball penalty turned down when Emerson crosses and Kudus's shot is cleared off the line. Werner mercifully heads a great chance over. 

"West Ham United you'll always be shit!" sing the gleeful home fans, followed by "West Ham get battered!" and "Is there a fire drill?" They also seem to think we have some travellers among our fans.

To compound it all Kudus, our best player, gets involved in a tussle with Van de Ven, seems to stamp on him and then raises his hand into his face. In the melee Kudus then punches Sarr as well. Richarlison has been accidentally hit and goes down as if shot by the Grealish sniper.

The ref only gives a yellow to Kudus, but VAR intervenes and it's an inevitable red card. It's the result of frustration but an act of sheer stupidity on Mo's part. He'll be suspended for three games at least and maybe longer after two red card offences.

All those fans who phoned TalkSport demanding Moyes be sacked are looking a bit silly. The jury is out on Lopetegui (and Steiden's signings) and he needs to act decisively. Paqueta hasn't been the same player since the FA charges and should surely be rested. We need to get Fullkrug fit as Antonio has toiled against the speedy Van de Ven and Loppy should give Summerville a run in the absence of Kudus. Alvarez needs to return. While Nigel suggests there's also a case for bringing back Fabianski.

The only person who's happy is my daughter Nell's Spurs-supporting friend Aaron whose £1 bet on Paqueta getting booked, Son scoring and Johnson getting a shot on target has yielded £6. "We'll be looking over our shoulder for the rest of the season." declares a disconsolate Nigel as we trudge back to Seven Sisters tube. Spurs are a top six side and played well but we shouldn't have thrown the game away like this. The Irons have to do better against Man United next week.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 4; Wan-Bissaka 5, Kilman 5, Todibo 5, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 6 (Mavropanos 6), Soucek 5 (Soler 5), Paqueta 4 (Alvarez 5); Bowen 7, Kudus 6; Antonio 5 (Summerville 6).

Homer defeat for England but a great night for Dinos

It was Acropolis now for England last night. Gaffer Lee Carsley might have chosen to play without strikers but even so, Dinos Mavropanos had a very good game for Greece in their victory at Wembley. Final score England 1 Philosophy Football 2. He seemed to get everything in the air, won all his tackles, had a goal disallowed and didn't make any silly mistakes. 

Dinos now looks to be West Ham's third-choice centre back behind Max Kilman and Jean-Clair Todibo, but he had a decent game as a second-half substitute right back against Brentford and a victory at Wembley will also boost his confidence, as well as being a fitting tribute to George Baldock, brother of former Hammers striker Sam. Well done Konstantinos, even if it was a Greek tragedy for England.

Tractor Boys hammered in welcome home win

West Ham 4 (four) Ipswich Town 1

At a very sunny London Stadium I'm joined by Belgian mystic lamb and beer experts Lisa and Matt, plus Michael the Whovian, preparing for his big Brigadier tribute night. It's also a pleasant surprise to find Clacton refugees Alison and Scott in the seats further back. Nigel is away at a mysterious "social function" in Felixstowe, surrounded by Tractor Boys, so it's down to the diehards. 

What could possibly go right? In the first minute someone called Kalvin Phillips loses possession, Soucek feeds Bowen on the right and Antonio sweeps home the cross. Have we been taking lessons from Brentford? That goal will do Antonio's confidence a lot of good, as he seems destined to be our main striker for the next decade.

But unfortunately we still haven't stopped conceding early goals. Four minutes after Antonio's goal Ipswich win a corner. Delap picks up the clearance and unleashes a stinging shot that squirms past Areola. Having got a hand to it Areola should surely have stopped it. The noisy Ipswich away crew celebrate with glee, having already enjoyed seeing their first cars in London according to Matt.

West Ham wobble at this point. An Ipswich free kick sees Greaves puts a free header wide. Matt is wearing our late friend Fraser's West Ham shirt and wonders if a sense of indefatigable calm will rub off; it doesn't as it takes a full ten seconds before Matt is asking "Why can we not f***ing control it?" West Ham's build-up seems ponderous at times, but Todibo tries to make something happen with a fine run out of defence. Kudus starts to get in some shots. 

After a fine one-touch passing move from Paqueta and Bowen, Antonio gets in a great cross that Kudus heads against the outside of the post when he should have scored. Town are making the mistake of trying to play out from the back and are caught out. Paqueta finds Soucek, whose shot is cleared off the line by O'Shea.

But West Ham are not to be denied. Emerson makes a fine burst down the left and crosses for Antonio to head against the bar. The ball bounces on the line in1966-style, and Kudus is on hand to head home. The announcer gives the goal to first Micky and then Mo, meaning we are surely 3-1 up.

JARROD BOWEN'S ON FIRE

Bizarrely we start well after the break. Ex-Hammers playwright Ben Johnson helpfully lobs a difficult back pass towards Muric. Under pressure from Antonio the keeper slices the ball wide to Bowen, who cuts inside Phillips and slots home a fine finish.

Muric has to make a great save to deny Kudus after Bowen's fine through ball. To their credit Ipswich keep going and Areola has to produce a world-class save from Delap's header. But there are more goals to be had for the Irons. Antonio finds Bowen on the right and his cross is tapped home by Lucas Paqueta, another Hammer who needed a goal to kick-start his season.

Young star Antonio gets a deserved ovation when he is subbed and we get see a cameo from debutant Luis Guilherme. Sub Aaron Cresswell puts a late free kick well over the bar. It's a shame the Irons don't go all out for a fifth, but 4-1 is a very decent result after three home defeats. We can now go into the international break looking up rather than down.

We trek to the Eagle where Sinead has Guinness for Michael and bottles of London Pride in the fridge, plus Tayto crisps. Matt reveals that he based his career plans on watching Minder, as it looked great fun drinking all day. But instead he went into the entirely sober profession of journalism, quips Michael. While we all enjoy sending Nigel messages on WhatsApp saying that he's missed the game of the century. So this is what a home win feels like. More of these please, Mr Lopetegui. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 6, Todibo 7, Kilman 6, Emerson 7 (Cresswell 5); Rodriguez 6 (Alvarez 6), Soucek 6, Paqueta 7 (Summerville 5); Bowen 8, Antonio 8 (Soler 5), Kudus 7 (Guilherme n/a).

Time to stop doubting Tomas

Interesting to note that Tomas Soucek's goal at Brentford was his 29th Premier League goal (he's scored 34 in all competitions) in four and a half seasons at West Ham. That's not bad at all for a defensive midfielder. Soucek isn't a great passer and at six foot four inches can look ungainly, but he's certainly a nuisance in both boxes.The other positive is his attitude, he frequently tops the Premier League stats for most distance covered in a game and would clearly run through a field of potato salad for the Irons. Tomas did the scuffling to allow Paqueta's pass to Bowen in Prague and that seems to sum up his contribution. Players like Paqueta and Kudus need the odd workhorse behind them. And with neither Rodriguez or Alvarez having the knack of scoring it's now very hard for Loppy to leave Soucek out. 

Andy Irving: international man of mystery

It's not often you have no idea who one of your own players is. Andy Irving has now come on as a sub for three games in a row, most recently for a five-minute cameo against Fulham. He even got a shot in against Chelsea. Did he fall to Earth like David Bowie? Andy apparently signed for West Ham from Austria Klagenfurt on deadline day at the start of last season, though at the time neither club confirmed the deal. He was then immediately loaned back to Austria Klagenfurt. It was a productive spell with the midfielder scoring nine goals in 28 games for the Austrian outfit including a hat-trick against Red Bull Salzburg. Then he returned to West Ham, scored a belter in the pre-season friendly at Dagenham, and now seems to be a fixture in the squad. In fact Andy's just been called up by Scotland. 

Irving, now 24, started his career at Hearts, where he scored twice in 46 appearances and played for Scotland Under-21s. He also had loan spells at Berwick and Falkirk. The peripatetic Scot then signed for German third division side Türkgücü München. He had a season there before financial problems forced the club to resign from the league, and was then signed by Austria Klagenfurt and the rest is obscure Hammers history. He's certainly come to West Ham via a circuitous route. Though the alternative theory is that he is actually secret agent 007 planted at West Ham to tackle the evil megalomaniacs and dastardly states controlling the Premier League and now bent on world domination.

Soucek secures point at the bus stop in Hounslow

Brentford 1 West Ham 1

It's a trifle disconcerting to switch on the BBC live match text reports at 3.01 and discover that West Ham are a goal down after 38 seconds. Normally we wait four or five minutes to concede an early goal. As Lisa comments on WhatsApp, perhaps we are trying to beat our personal best. 

The trouble begins when Emerson is beaten for pace by Schade and Areola palms away the resulting cross. Another cross comes in, Todibo heads away, Brentford win the second ball and Mbuemo scores with a brilliant volley.

That's nine goals conceded in two games and one minute. To give the players credit they make a determined effort to get back into the game. Kudus, released by Soucek, fires a shot into Flekken and Antonio drags an effort wide. But only a good challenge by Wan-Bissaka prevents Mbuemo making it two with a header before the break.

Lopetegui isn't scared of using subs and this time his changes at the break work. It's brave to take off Kudus for Soler, while Emerson is hooked with Wan-Bissaka moved to left-back and Mavropanos coming on at right back. The idea seems to be to give the Irons more physicality at the back and by all accounts Dinos has a good game in an unfamiliar position. 

The Hammers equalise after 54 minutes. Paqueta does well to win the ball back from Mbuemo on the left, Soucek and Bowen exchange passes and Jarrod does a lovely back heel to Soucek, who flicks on to Antonio whose effort is half-blocked, the ball falling to Soucek to fire home. Tomas does his twirling celebration and though he might be a Moyes stalwart, Loppy is learning that we look a better team with Tomas in the side.

Brentford have a couple of hopeful appeals for penalties turned down in the final ten minutes and Todibo has a decent game at the back. There's even another five-minute cameo from the unknown footballer, Andy Irving. 

In fact it's West Ham who threaten to win it at the end of eight minutes of added time, as Soler's hooked effort is tipped on to the top of the bar by Flekken. Bizarrely and against precedent the ref doesn't allow any time for the corner kick to be taken, causing an eruption from Lopetegui and the players. 

Still, we're relieved to get an away point at the bus stop in Hounslow after that early goal and this was encouraging in terms of spirit. Unbeaten away, defeated every time at home. Hopefully the visit of Ipswich next week can deliver that much-needed home win.

Another mauling at Liverpool

Liverpool 5 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

After the Chelsea defeat a trip to Anfield wasn't exactly welcome. One-one at half-time is a promising scoreline though. Danny Ings had an early goal disallowed too. The Hammers take the lead when Cresswell's corner causes confusion as Alvarez tried to get a shot away and a Liverpool clearance deflected in off Quansah. Four minutes later it's 1-1 as Chiesa shoots into the ground and Jota gets between Fabianski and Kilman to score with a brave header, 

Yet again though, the Hammers concede soon after the break as Jones finds Jota, who slots home with a cool finish. The arrival of sub Antonio makes a difference and West Ham nearly equalise when following good work by Summerville and Antonio, Kilman can't react quickly enough to score, firing against Kelleher.

The game is over when Fabianski saves well from Bradley only for Salah to shoot the rebound in toi the roof of the net. It gets worse aa Alvaraz receives a silly second booking for a rash challenge on Salah and the Irons are down to ten men. Even at 3-1 down, Summerville misses a really good chance after being set up by Antonio. 

Liverpool then bag a couple in added time through Gakpo, the second aided by a fortunate deflection off Todibo.The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff has been postponed yet again, It's been a miserable week for the Hammers. To cap it all, Lopetegui leaves the game on crutches after injuring himself stamping his foot. He's learning that supporting West Ham is a painful business.

It's been a slightly better performance than Chelsea, but northing is going for the team at the moment. We're still in Ghent, where the local Gent fans wear nooses to reflect the nickname of “noose bearers” given to Ghent residents. This dates back to the Ghent revolt of 1539 when King Charles V of Spain made the ringleaders parade in their underwear with nooses around their necks. West Ham fans do not as yet sport nooses, but after this we might well be tempted.

I don't want to go to Chelsea

West Ham 0 Chelsea 3

Luckily we're on holiday in Belgium for this one, with West Ham collapsing like a set of fragile waffles. There's a real Hammers problem with conceding early goals. Kudus gets an early shot away but when Mavropanos gives away a free kick in the fourth minute, Chelsea's quick response baffles the West Ham defence. Jackson is being man-marked by Alvarez in a strange tactical ploy by Lopetegui. The Chelsea striker has acres of space on the left, Wan-Bissaka is occupied with Sancho and the Chelsea man runs through to shoot through Areola's legs. 

Chelsea almost get a second when Jackson is again afforded infinite space on the left flank and sets up Palmer to fire just wide. The second does arrive when Chelsea ping the ball around in midfield without a West Ham challenge, Mavropanos steps in and Caicedo has time to play an easy through ball to Jackson, who slots home having lost Kilman.

Lopetegui admits he's got his tactics wrong in the 38th minute by substituting Rodriguez with Soucek. There's a brief West Ham revival, with Summerville having a clear penalty turned down after Fofana grabs his arm. Kudus has a goal correctly disallowed for offside and Soucek at least gets a shot away at Sanchez.

But the game is over in the first minute of the second half as the Irons again concede early. Chelsea counter attack with Jackson again free on the left and Kilman up against two men. He finds Palmer who beats Areola at his near post. 

Bowen has a shot blocked but only a brilliant save by Areola from Nkunku's header keeps the score down. West Ham leave the pitch to a round of boos while I console myself with a glass of aptly-named Bolleke beer. 

On WhatsApp Matt suggests it's the worst home performance since the 6-0 defeat by Arsenal. The Irons have lost their first three games at home for the first time in their history. It's early days and Aston Villa, Man City and Chelsea have been quality opponents, but we should at least be giving them a game. This was nowhere near good enough. 

Ings can only get better

Fulham 1 West Ham 1

It's a strange team selection from Lopetegui, with a midfield of Rodriguez, Alvarez and Soucek looking decidedly uncreative. His decision to rest Lucas Paqueta might be because Lucas has played twice for Brazil in the international break, but may also owe something to Paqueta's poor form against Man City and the strain the playmaker is under as he awaits those FA charges. 

With Fullkrug inured while playing for Germany Antonio is again the main striker rather than Jarrod Bowen, while Crysencio Summerville remains on the bench. Dinos is again preferred to Todibo at the back. 

Fulham have the better of the first half. The ref turns down claims for a penalty against Kilman after he appears to push Traore, who is through on goal. The Fulham player goes down easily, but it could well have been given. Traore then heads a decent chance wide of the post.

Fulham take the lead when West Ham's offside trap fails and Smith-Rowe retrieves a ball that looks to be going out of play. Mavropanos does that silly hands behind the back defending and can't prevent the cross, as Jiminez gets ahead of Kilman to flick home.

Lopetegui acts at half time bringing on Jimmy Summerville for Antonio and Paqueta for Soucek, Bowen becoming the main striker. The changes almost work on 60 minutes when Kudus crosses and Bowen controls well to shoot against the legs of Leno. Luckily Fulham can't make it two as Traore heads another chance wide. Loppy has brought on Coufal for Emerson, Soler for Rodriguez and now Danny Ings for Alvarez.

OH DANNY BOY

We're at Rachel and Andy's wedding in Newark (so good they named it twice), loitering by the canopes, as I sneak off to the gents to search for news of the inevitable 1-0 loss and ponder the fact there's only one F in Fulham. But I've reckoned without Dingsie turning into a super sub. 

In the 95th minute Summerville does well to win a throw-in. Coufal takes it quickly and Bowen races to cross before the ball goes over the touchline. Danny Ings takes a good first touch and fires a low effort past Leno at his near post. It's a great moment for Ings, who never seems to complain about being on the bench. Perhaps he's been inspired by the fact his hair transplant seems to have worked. Matt WhatApps to say he's never doubted him.

There's still time for Bassey to head wide for Fulham, but after the 5-0 defeat last season we'll take a draw. There's work to be done but at least the players kept fighting to the end. What Lopetegui needs to do now is get Fullkrug and Summerville in the side and give Todibo a go at the back. Though credit to the gaffer for taking off his three holding midfielders and ending with a very attacking line-up. Irons!

Seven of the Europa Conference League winning side have now departed

It's been a busy transfer window for the Hammers with nine players arriving and ten leaving, either permanently or on loan. What's striking about the modern face of football is how many of the Europa Conference League winning side have now left just a year after that epic triumph. Declan Rice departed for some no-hope trophyless outfit in north London. Said Benrahma has now signed for Lyon after a poor half-season at West Ham and loan to France in 2023-24. Kurt Zouma started the game at centre back but has now been loaned to Saudi Arabian club Al-Orabah, while his defensive partner Nayef Aguerd has gone on loan to Real Sociedad. 

All three subs who came on have also departed. Thilo Kehrer has signed for Monaco, Pablo Fornals has left for Real Betis and Angelo Ogbonna has signed for Watford. So of the 14 players who got on the pitch in Prague, seven have left. That's quite a turnover when you consider how long the 1975 and 1980 FA Cup winning sides stayed together.

Our support is effing rude!

West Ham has the third most foul-mouthed fans in the Premier League according to a new study. Experts at QR Code Generator analysed the 200 most popular posts and subsequent comments for each Premier League team’s subreddit. The study then calculated the number of swear words used per 1,000 Reddit comments to determine the final ranking. 

Nottingham Forest fans came top, followed by Chelsea, whose supporters are f***ing s**t, as we well know. West Ham were third with an average of 78.78 swear words used per 1,000 Reddit posts – 27% higher than the average swear count. The study found that West Ham fans had used 715 counts of offensive language on the team’s subreddit. 

The big question is why are West Ham only third? Anyone who has sat next to my pal the Vicar's Son will know that West Ham fans are definitely the sweariest in the league. 

Manchester so much to answer for

West Ham 1 Manchester City 3

Someone called Noel Gallagher is in attendance at the London Stadium trying not to look back in Ongar. In a week of surprise reunions we're joined by Clacton's prodigal fan Alison, eager to escape her local MP, whoever he is. Nigel and CQ are here, though Michael is possibly being held in a flat full of bad people. We hope to rescue him soon. Black balloons waft in the air, released as part of the restore our concessions campaign.

A tardy Matt and Gavin miss the early West Ham onslaught as Bowen tests Ederson and then Antonio nearly gets a toe to Kudus' dangerous cross, only to be thwarted by Dias' fine clearance. 

Then City, playing in a luminous cycling kit, start to establish their passing rhythm and West Ham's full-backs aren't getting close enough to Doku and Grealish (who has left the sniper at home it seems). The double pivot of Alvarez and Rodriguez doesn't quite work and Soucek is a little unlucky to have been be dropped. Alison remarks that Kilman's defending reminds her of my firm but fair performances for the Shenfield School First X1 in the 1970s, as Nigel comments that's why I'm still worth £40 million, even though these days my pace might have waned a little.

City take the lead when Emerson overhits a pass to Paqueta, who miscontrols allowing Bernardo Silva to play in Haaland. With two touches the Iron Giant makes the finish look easy. Haaland adopts a meditative squat channelling Zen and the art of ponytail-tying.

City take control as De Bruyne forces a fine save from Areola and then hits the post. Haaland even races back 50 yards to dispossess the flying Antonio.

But suddenly the Hammers are back in it. Bowen races down the right to cross hard and low. There's no-one in the box but Dias turns the ball past Ederson. Disbelieving cheers and laughter echo round the stadium.

But you always sense City can move up a gear. Ten minutes later Grealish is allowed to cut in too easily and a neat interchange between Kovacic and Lewis sets up Haaland to turn and wallop a shot into the top of the net. Emerson could have been tighter.

But there's always hope if we can get the ball to Kudus. Just before the interval Alvarez finds him and the pacy wide man shoots just wide from the edge of the area. The key moment occurs just after the break. Paqueta does well to calmly play the ball to Kudus from his own six-yard-box. Kudus explodes into the City half, finds Bowen, takes the return ball and fires against the top of the post. That thrilling break certainly lifts the crowd as they sense an upset. 

SUPERSONIC HAALAND

Lopetegui brings on Fullkrug, Coufal, Soucek and Summerville as the Hammers try to equalise. Paqueta stays on but is having one of those games where very little comes off. But the game is over after 83 minutes. Mavropanos rushes out of defence, fails to win the ball and leaves a big gap behind him. The other defenders don't cover and Haaland expertly keeps just onside and casually lobs over substitute keeper Fabianski. Matt suggests that Todibo has to play next time.

The popping black balloons sound like burst bubbles. There's still time for Soucek to screw an effort wide and Ederson to tip Summerville's shot against the post. At least we've given the best side in the country a game and seen glimpses of hope. Some might say City look certain to win the league again. 

We're in need of alcohol and no cigarettes as we head for the Eagle. The fridge isn't working so it's warm East London Pale Ale and Atlantic as Matt announces that Oasis were a bit overrated and Nigel says he never plays their later albums. We catch an unexpected gig, a couple of Irish blokes on stage singing The Wild Rover, Gentle on my Mind, Whisky in the Jar and Dirty Old Town, all over a backdrop of dodgy WHU defending being analysed on the TV screen. We've not even had to log on to Ticketmaster to attend.

So it's Fulham next week and the Hammers in need of another away win in London. Still, it's no disgrace to lose to City. Bowen and Kudus have played really well and the new signings need time, so let's see where we are after the first ten games. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6 (Fabianski 6); Wan-Bissaka 6, Kilman 6, Mavropanos 5, Emerson 5 (Coufal 5); Rodriguez 6, Alvarez 5 (Soucek 5), Paqueta 5; Bowen 7 (Summerville 6), Antonio 6 (Fullkrug 5), Kudus 8.

Soler power replaces JWP's set-pieces

Well, a late flurry of activity as the transfer window closed. It was surprising to see James Ward-Prowse loaned to Nottingham Forest. He scored seven and assisted seven goals in the league and assisted another four goals in cup competitions last season. James might not have been a starter under Loppy, and he generally played it safe as a central midfielder, but he never gets injured and would have been a great option to bring on and fling in set pieces when chasing games. 

More positively Lopetegui has managed to sign Carlos Soler on loan from Paris Saint Germain for the season and he clearly rates him above JWP. Soler has 14 caps for Spain, a hipster beard and a couple of title medals with PSG so he's obviously a handy player. And this is probably a signal that J-Lo no longer wants West Ham to be seen as a set-piece side. Though having failed to see Ward-Prowse score with a free kick all last season what are the odds that he bags one in his first game for Forest?

Nayef Aguerd has been loaned out for the season to Real Sociedad. There's clearly a lot going on behind the scenes and presumably Nayef hadn't settled in England. But Moyes loved him when he arrived and it seems too soon to give up on a £30 million player who makes fewer mistakes than the promising but raw Dinos Mavropanos.

The other departure is Maxwel Cornet to Southampton, which will leave my pal Matt gutted. Cornet looked a good player at Burnley and scored some cracking goals, but never got going at West Ham after an early injury, though he did a good job of gatecrashing the Europa Conference League celebrations.

But overall it's been a good window with the squad left stronger after Tim Stedten's work. WHU have signed Kilman, Todibo, Wan-Bissaka, Soler, Rodriguez, Guilherme, Fullkrug, Foderingham  and Summerville, while Ward-Prowse, Aguerd, Cornet, Johnson, Ogbonna, Benrahma, Kehrer and probably Zouma have departed. Now Lopetegui just has to mould this lot into a team, 

Bowen's handy goal sees off Cherries

West Ham 1 Bournemouth 0 (Carabao Cup)

We're down to the diehards in the Billy Bonds Stand. Lisa has arrived from a lonely vigil in the Best Cafe and Nigel, who has been busy researching his list of top ten pubs in the world, is present with his giant sausage. Matt is working from home with one eye on the score and Michael is away with his folios.

Aaron Cresswell is injured in the warm-up so Coufal is back in and Wan-Bissaka plays left-back. The new signings all get a run out but West Ham struggle to break down a neat-passing Cherries side as Hill heads wide for Bournemouth early on. 

The annoying fan behind us gives a running commentary on the game and already seems to have it in for Fullkrug. The big German looks isolated, as were Haller and Scamacca, but he does fire wide a long range effort early on. He then gets his head on a corner, but Soucek hits the half-chance over.

Wan-Bissaka looks like he could become a bit of a cult figure, defying his Man United critics by getting  forward well from the unfamiliar position of left back and combining well with Jimmy Summerville. The Irons' best move sees Kilman and Fullkrug combine to release Summerville. But Crysencio slices over when he should score. Before the break Bournemouth almost take the lead as Quattara's brilliant heel-flick is superbly saved by Fabianski.

It's not been a great half. The most interesting thing is the half-time mascot race between Hammerhead and Teddy Bear. And the fact that Summerville is in gloves - in August.

Summerville cuts inside to shoot just wide, but Bournemouth then start to dominate the second half. Mavropanos is on for Todibo, but he loses Evanilson, who gets behind the Greek to scuff wide when he should score. Tavernier hits the post with a free kick and then gets behind Dinos again only to shoot wide when he should have squared it. "Get Dinos off!" messages the getting angry from home Matt.

Dinos then does some good stuff at the other end, intercepting well to set up Bowen for a shot that is parried by Neto. By now Loppy has been forced to bring on Paqueta and Kudus in an effort to avoid penalties. This raises the crowd as does a great tackle from Wan-Bissaka.

With 88 minutes gone Paqueta dinks it into the box. Bowen is tackled but the ball falls to Kudus. Mo's drive hits Bowen and is deflected into the net. Jarrod runs to our corner as the Bournemouth players claim for handball. Luckily there's no VAR in the Carabao Cup as the ball does appear to hit Jarrod's arm. though it was impossible to tell in real time.

We'll take the win though. We head off to Ye Olde Black Bull for Brixton Pale Ale and Diet Coke, anticipating the draw for the next round. But in a shocking disregard of the spirit of cup competitions, this year the big teams in Europe are kept apart in a separate pool, and all seem to get drawn at home too. 

As soon as Liverpool comes out of the bag we know what's coming next. "Liverpool ffs" is Matt's cryptic message. This happened last season too.They really shouldn't have the draw immediately after a hard-fought win. Let us savour the game for a day before announcing we're drawn away to Liverpool or Man United, as is always the case. Infamy, infamy.

The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff in Kew Gardens isn't looking very likely, but at least it was a good run-out for the new boys and a very decent crowd of 47,000. Next comes the small matter of Manchester City.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 6, Kilman 7, Todibo 6 (Mavropanos 5), Wan-Bissaka 7; Soucek 5, Ward-Prowse 5 (Rodriguez 6), Alvarez 6 (Paqueta 6); Bowen 7, Summerville 6 (Emerson 5), Fullkrug 5 (Kudus 7).

Hammers storm Palace

Crystal Palace 0 West Ham 2 (two)

It seems a strange team selection from Lopetegui, with the gaffer selecting the same side that lost to Aston Villa. The bench looks stronger than the first team, featuring new signings Fullkrug, Summerville, Todibo, Wan-Bissake and the returning Alvarez.

Kudus fires just wide early on after a surging run from Bowen, but Palace have the better of the first half. Areola makes a good low save with his foot from Eze. Wharton sends Edouard clear but the striker scuffs it wide. Considering West Ham were 4-0 down after 30 minutes last season it's a great relief to be level at the half-hour stage, with Kilman having a very solid game at the back. Before the interval Eze fires a languid shot against the bar from a corner routine.

The Irons improve after the interval, particularly when Wan-Bissaka and Fullkrug come on. The breakthrough arrives after 67 minutes. Palace old boy Aaron Wan-Bissaka wins the ball and hurdles two tackles before racing over the half-way line and cleverly flicking to Bowen with the outside of his foot. Jarrod finds Paqueta whose effort is blocked. Fullkrug competes for the loose ball and it falls to Super Tomas Soucek to stroke home. 

Tomas, who is making himself undroppable, wheels away doing his trademark twirling celebration and dreaming of potato salad. As he does so in front of the celebrating West Ham fans an electronic hoarding collapses and a Palace ball boy is almost flattened under the weight of several big blokes from Billericay. Luckily Soucek and Bowen act quickly to rescue the boy and prevent him turning into Flat Stanley. Super hero Jarrod even gives the lad his shirt after the game.

It gets better as Max Kilman wins a tackle, advances past two Palace players and plays a lovely ball out to Bowen on the right. Jarrod cuts inside his man and fires home, running to the away fans tapping his captain's armband.

Theres still time for Sarr to rather fortunately deflect the ball with his thigh on to Areola' s post but the Irons see out the game fairly comfortably. A great away win and the first clean sheet since winning at the Emirates at the end of December. 

Perhaps Lopetegui does know what he's doing and integrating the new signings slowly has worked. To some extent we've been lucky in that Palace have sold the influential Olise, Andersen and Ayew, but it's still a massive improvement on last season at a ground where we normally struggle. This victory was quite Moyesian in feel in that WHU only had 41 per cent possession, but the defensive resilience and speed on the counter was impressive. 

Another 37 points and we're safe. Irons!

West Ham need to sell before getting Soler power

Jacob Steinberg in the Guardian reports that the Hammers are now after midfielder Carlos Soler of Paris Saint Germain, but must first sell before they can buy to keep within the FA profit and sustainability rules. 

Kurt Zouma is one obvious player on big wages the Irons have been trying to sell but any move to UAE depends on him passing a fitness test or coming to a pay-as-you play deal. Danny Ings has spent a season and a half mainly on the bench and is another player the Hammers could unload. Despite several serious injuries his career goalscoring record would surely attract some suitors despite only three league goals for West Ham. The problem is that Ings in on big money so a loan deal might be more likely, with the club subsidising some of his wages.

Maxwel Cornet is another player the club wants to shift. He scored some fantastic volleys for Burnley, but his career has gone badly awry at West Ham after his early injury two seasons ago. Maxi is said to be on £65k a week so again might be difficult to sell if he wants to see out his contract.

Nayef Aguerd is also up for sale, though in my opinion it would be a mistake to sell him. He might have made a few mistakes but Nayef played in the Europa Conference winning side and has a cultured left foot. Should WHU write off a £30 million signing and star for Morocco so quickly? Mavropanos also makes errors, but looks to be part of J-Lo's plans.

The other possible sale mentioned by Steinberg is Michail Antonio. It would be sad to lose Micky after his goals, celebrations and of course crashing a car while dressed as a snowman have left us so entertained over the years. He could still do a job as an impact sub, though his physicality would certainly appeal to some of the newer Premier League clubs or a Championship side.

It would be a mistake to become like Chelsea and just buy players because they're available. If WHU can't shift any of the above then it might have been better to keep George Earthy rather than loan him out to Bristol City for the season. As it is the club still have Paqueta (if he's not suspended), Soucek, Ward-Prowse, Rodriguez and Alvarez as options in central midfield, with youngsters Potts and Orford also worth looking at. Whatever happens, the days before the window closes on August 30 should prove interesting. 

Duran brings Hammers down to Planet Earth

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 2

Football returns to a balmy London Stadium. Nigel and myself have opted for shorts, while Matt is in his final game at the Boleyn t-shirt. Lisa and CQ make up our number with Michael the Whovian away polishing his Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart and UNIT anecdotes. Matt and are already mainlining football, having seen the West Ham Under-18s lose to Arsenal in the morning. 

The big miss for all us is Fraser, who has departed for the great pub-rock gig in the sky. As a Moyes sceptic he would have appreciated seeing the first game of a new gaffer.

Meet the New West Ham, same as the old West Ham. The line-up is a bit disappointing, featuring only Kilman and Rodriguez of the new signings. 

It's a poor start as Soucek miscontrols to give away a needless corner after four minutes. From the resulting corner Onana loses Antonio and heads home far too easily. West Ham look sluggish. Is it too soon to say "Lopetegui out!" we wonder. It's almost two for Villa as Rogers wriggles through to force a fine low save from Areola. Plus we've got the sun in our eyes.

A simple ball over the top sees Bailey get behind Emerson, round the onrushing Areola and hit the post, put off a little by a good recovery from Kilman. Then it's McGinn's turn to fire just wide from the edge of the area. Bowen can't get in the game and Antonio is struggling up front, though Kudus does impress with some mazy dribbles. The bloke behind us says his under-ten side can pass it better than this lot. Strange the board haven't appointed him as gaffer.

West Ham receive an unexpected lifeline when Paqueta chips into the box. Soucek goes down like a felled conifer under a challenge from Cash and after a VAR check the penalty is given. Nigel suggests it's a "penalty Czech". It's very soft as Cash has got a toe to the ball. Paqueta does his usual stop-start jump and skip and fires home a calmly-taken spot-kick before giving thanks to the heavens. At the end of the half Emerson goes close with a low shot that Martinez has to turn past the post.

West Ham start the second half with greater intent as the crowd fire them up with "West Ham are Massive!" Coufal gets in a fine cross but Antonio heads over when well-placed. 

When Emery brings on Duran for Villa, whom West Ham have been trying to sign, Matt suggests we know what's going to happen next. Lopetegui acts after 73 minutes bringing on on Fullkrug, Summerville and Ward-Prowse. The fact J-Lo takes off Bowen and Paqueta shows he's not scared of subbing big names.

GOALS ON FILM

But it's the Villa subs who have the greater impact. Duran has already fired into the side-netting. On 79 minutes Maatsen gets away down the left with Coufal not tight enough on him. He plays it first-time to Ramsey who sets up Duran. The Columbian striker, presumably still Hungry Like the Wolf, fires through Areola's legs with a crisp finish. No sign of a crossed Hammers gesture as he celebrates.

Lopetegui brings on Todibo (who looks like a man mountain) and Danny Ings with five minutes to go. 'Jimmy' Summerville is a real danger on the left, taking men on and getting in a fine cross for Ings' header to force a flying save from Martinez.

The Irons very nearly force an undeserved point at the end of added time. Summerville chips across the box to Kudus, whose cross is met by Soucek's header. Konsa manages to block the header but the ball spins to Soucek again, who swivels to fire over under pressure from Konsa.

We trudge off to the Eagle, where Sinead has East London Pale Ale, Corona, John Smith's, non-alcoholic Guinness and Tayto crisps ready for us. At least the jukebox caters for fans of a certain age, though thankfully there's no Duran Duran. Rod Stewart is followed by Nigel's second favourite Dire Straits song Telegraph Road. As Back in the USSR comes on the jukebox CQ tells us that Paul McCartney wrote it as a parody of the Beach Boys, the Californian outfit who famously sang "Birmingham's a s***hole I wanna go home" (or something like that) on Sloop John B. 

Nigel is reluctant to leave while Metallica is playing but has introduced us to some world class trivia, asking which goalkeeper has played for both Bury and Bury St Edmonds? It is in fact Nick Pope. All of this is better than thinking about the game.

It's only one game in but it's never good to lose your first match. This looks like a season too far for the 33-year-old Antonio and Fullkrug needs to start. Lopetegui should also bring in Wan-Bissaka and Todibo if that's his favoured defence, while Summerville looks too good to leave out. We've missed the injured Alvarez too. Let's see what happens when the new signings are better integrated, but a rapid improvement is required. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Coufal 5 (Todibo 5), Kilman 6, Mavropanos 5, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 5 (Ings 6), Soucek 6, Paqueta 6 (Ward-Prowse 5); Kudus 7, Bowen 5 (Summerville 7), Antonio 5 (Fullkrug 5). 

Captain Jarrod

Jarrod Bowen is the right choice as West Ham captain. He may not be that much of a shouter on the pitch, but Jarrod's set an example through committing himself to West Ham for life with a seven-year contract. His work-rate should inspire others too, plus the fact that he ran through potato fields to get fit for the Premier League. It's difficult to lead from the front but Jarrod will be helped by the other players with experience of captaincy, such as Max Kilman, James Ward-Prowse and Tomas Soucek. Plus he'll be able to dispense tactical advice from both Danny Dyer and Dani Dyer.

Aaron's a Hammer

Yet another signing. Aaron Wan-Bissaka looks a tidy bit of business at £15 million. A player who is a fine one-on-one defender and likes a tackle should be what the WHU defence need. Coufal is 31 and better at assists, but we now have the option of starting with Wan-Bissaka and bringing on Vlad of we are trying to break down teams. He's only 26 and was Crystal Palace's player of the season before joining Man United five seasons ago. At Old Trafford he's won the League Cup and FA Cup and played in a Europa League Final, so plenty of big-game experience. 

Quite where this leaves West Ham in terms of financial fair play is unclear as we've spent a lot of money (£130 million plus while recouping £40 million) and some sales surely need to be made. The selling situation hasn't been helped by the news that Kurt Zouma, who is on big wages, has failed a medical to join UAE side Shabab Al-ahli. Hopefully the clubs can  sort out a pay-as-you-play arrangement.

But in terms of squad strength, the arrival of Wan-Bissaka plus Fullkrug, Summerviile, Rodriguez, Kilman, Todibo and Guilherme is looking really exciting.

First trophy of the season

West Ham 2 Celta Vigo 2 (Betway Cup) 

(West Ham win on penalties 6-5)

Well, the first trophy of the season has been won. Not too much to glean from this judging by the live feed. The crowd was certainly thin, thanks to calls to boycott the game over WHU's removal of concessions in some parts of the stadium. 

Bowen was on target again after a great through ball from Paqueta. Lucas later scored a lovely dinked goal after an intricate move. Both Celta Vigo goals benefitted from deflections, though the pairing of Kilman and Mavropanos didn't always look watertight. Tomas Soucek had a robust game, suggesting he'll not give up his place easily. While 'Jimmy' Summerville, coming on as a sub, was always trying to take players on and make something happen.

Mystic Matt was there and reports that we have signed "the only German in history who can't take a penalty" having watched sub Niclas Fullkrug's effort saved in the shoot-out. Still, at least we won it on pens and a good moment for young Guilherme (a big lad who looks older than his 18 years) to score the decisive pen. Although the trophy presentation to new skipper Jarrod Bowen didn't quite rival Prague. Useful for match fitness, but next week the real stuff starts against Villa.

Nice work to sign Todibo

Yet another signing is through the door. Jean-Clair Todibo has been signed on an initial season's loan from Nice, with an obligation to buy for £34m next season. French international Todibo appears a very promising defender and had been interesting Juventus. He also adds to WHU's list of unusual first names, with Jean-Clair joining Maximilian, Crysenco and Konstantinos. Not too many Bobbys or Geoffs in this line-up.

Todibo's signing is also set to signal Kurt Zouma going to UAE side Shabab A-ahli on a free. Kurt has a year to run on his contract and releasing him now will save the club an estimated £5 million in wages. Zouma gave good service for his three seasons. His best moment was probably that headed goal against Liverpool in the 3-2 win a couple of seasons ago, though he also contributed useful headers against Luton and Everton last season. And of course Kurt played his part in the 2023 Europa Conference League Final, before going off injured in the second half.

For a long time he was West Ham's best defender and bravely played on through a series of injuries. But by the second half of last season Kurt's running looked heavily impaired and if Lopetegui saw the 5-2 defeat at Palace it probably made up his mind. There was also catgate of course, one of West Ham's more bizarre scandals. Zouma was foolish, but perhaps the following week's invasion of Ukraine by Russia put his offence in perspective.

We've exchanged an ageing centre back with injury problems for a younger player of promise. This looks like further progress, even though Steidten does have to ensure we have bought a team rather than a set of star names.

World Cup winner Guido arrives

Phew, another signing. Guido Rodriguez is a World Cup winner with Argentina and arrives on a free from Real Betis. The defensive midfielder should be a clear upgrade on Flynn Downes and Soucek and has the advantage of having already played alongside Edson Alvarez for Club America in Mexico. Along with Fullkrug he's another older player in his thirties, but hopefully that is balanced by the youth of Summerville and Guilherme. Let's hope Guido can start some bonfires in midfield. Credit to Tim Steidten for getting so many deals done already. Kilman, Guilherme, Summerville, Fullkrug and Rodriguez leave the WHU squad looking much stronger.

Fullkrug time!

The signing of Niclas Fullkrug has finally been announced. He's expensive at £27 million for a 31-year-old, but his performances at the Euros and in the Bundesliga for Borussia Dortmund have been impressive - a no-nonsense battering ram of a centre-forward who can also make goals. He's also played in a Champions League Final for Borussia Dortmund against Real Madrid, where he hit the post. 

West Ham fans will like the way he's come up through the lower leagues and was the oldest player ever to make his debut for Germany. He could well become a bit of a cult figure at West Ham, but after Haller and Scamacca we should perhaps be cautious. Bizarrely Niclas is now WHU's youngest central striker, behind Antonio, 34, and Danny Ings, 32. Let's hope he's the Fullkrug Monty.

Here comes the Summerville

It's happened at last. After seemingly never-ending negotiations Crysencio Summerville has signed from Leeds for £25 million, possibly rising to £34 million after add-ons. At 22 the Dutchman is a good age and looks a really exciting prospect coming in off the left flank. This has been a problem position ever since Benrahma lost form last season and Summerville looks a clear upgrade. Summerville scored four goals in the Premier League as Leeds went down (including the winner at Anfield) in 2022-23 and then bagged 21 goals and ten assists last season in the Championship.

He's also very possibly the first player at West Ham to be called Crysencio, though my fellow season-ticket holder Matt says several West Ham players have made him cry. Tim Steidten seems to have hit on a successful strategy of targeting 1980s pop stars. The Irons have already tried for Duran Duran, we've now got 'Jimmy' Summerville, who is definitely not a Smalltown Boy, though Leeds fans presumably said Don't Leave Me This Way. The Hammers may well be after Howard Jones and Nick Kershaw at this rate. We're also possibly signing Fullkrug, who sounds like the sort of heavy metal band my pal Nigel might have seen at Donington Park.  

Should the Hammers manage to follow Summerville with the recruitment of Niclas Fullkrug, World Cup winner Guido Rodriguez and Aaron Wan-Bissaka then the squad really would be significantly strengthened. Despite the pre-season defeats, we're in danger of feeling optimistic.

Massive in America

Massive: the Miracle of Prague was published six months ago today. And thanks to fellow Hammer Ben Blaney, here's his copy signed by the West Ham players while on tour in the US. Though it might take whoever cracked the Rosetta Stone to decipher those signatures... we think George Earthy and Dinos are in there somewhere.

What can the fans expect from Lopetegui?

The new season is almost here and the Hammers have lost 3-1 to Wolves in Florida, not that pre-season games mean much. What will the fans expect from Lopetegui after four and a half seasons of David Moyes? The main hope would be that the Irons are less predictable away from home. Under Moyes it was invariably the low block and keeping it tight until a chance might present itself. Attacking away from home might just surprise a few teams.

Another change might be a more proactive use of substitutes. Moyes tended to react to other manager's substitutions rather than move first, though to be fair he got results this way.  Substitutes are one of those things you can never really prove one way or another might have made a difference. Gareth Southgate got endless stick for late substitutions but nearly all his changes had an effect in the Euros. Still, a little more adventure would certainly be welcome from Julen.

But the best change would be a solid defence. Last season's leaky back four was very un-Moyes like and we never really recovered from selling Craig Dawson. With Zouma struggling for fitness, the signing of Max Kilman, a leader and ball-playing centre back, is a sound move and Aaron Wan-Bissaka would be a very solid defender at right-back, if we can get him, though he's not as effective at assists as Coufal. Expect plenty more activity before August 17 and the big kick-off.

Kante would be a risky signing

Lots of rumours West Ham are going to buy N'Golo Kante for £20 million. This would be a strange signing, more akin to the Harry Redknapp era, when 'Arry would try to eke out a coupe of seasons from players past their best. Yes, Kante was a great player at Leicester and Chelsea and had some fine games for France in the Euros. But I'm always wary of of buying players after a good international tournament - remember flops Ilie Dumitrescu and 'Two Bob' Florin Raducioiu? League form is a better guide. Kante is currently playing in Saudi Arabia, having been let go by Chelsea. Can he still stay fit for a full Premier League season? And where would this leave Edson Alvarez? Paying £20 million for a 33-year-old on big wages doesn't seem great business. Better to look for the next N'Golo Kante rather than the old one.

Going Downes

So Flynn Downes has been sold to Southampton for £18 million. That's a healthy £8 million profit on the £10 million David Moyes paid for him two years ago, though with Edson Alvarez injured playing for Mexico you do wonder if Downes might have been needed as back-up. Flynn had some good games in the Europa Conference early rounds, though never looked quite ready for the Premier League. Though to be fair, he was rarely played in his best position in front of the back four. 

Flynn will also be fondly remembered for looking like he was going to steam into the AZ Alkmaar Ultras when they went for the West Ham players' families at the end of the Europa Conference semi-final. You can take the boy out of Brentwood... Downes had a very good season in the Championship with Southampton last time out, helping them win the Play-off Final, so it will be interesting to see how he does in the PL again. Meanwhile the club has gained around £38 million from the sales of Benrahma, Kehrer and Downes this summer, which should be enough to fund another signing or two.

It's coming home?

What a great late winner from Ollie Watkins for England last night. My WHU pal Matt has to take much of the credit for declaring, "Watkins hasn't done much" six seconds before Ollie scored. In a different world the Irons might have signed Watkins rather than Said Benrahma from Brentford, which would have solved our long-standing striker problem. David Moyes might have enjoyed an 81st minute substitute winning the game. He used to get all sorts of stick for his late reactive substitutions, as has Southgate, but mainly the England gaffer's substitutions have altered games. Perhaps Gareth does know what he's doing, though England got very lucky with that ridiculous VAR penalty. Now let's hope that Jarrod Bowen gets to come on in the final. If the game is close Southgate will surely keep on Saka, but if he wants someone to work hard and run down the clock Jarrod just might get a chance late on. Come on you Lions!

Max headroom

Under the cover of an electoral earthquake West Ham have achieved another stunning feat - signing a central defender who might be half-decent. The club has signed Max Kilman for £40million from Wolves, helped by the fact the Midlands club have financial fair play problems. Max was Lopetegui's captain when he was at Wolves. He'll certainly be fitter than Kurt Zouma and could do much to address the defensive frailties of last season. The fact he's a leader could be just what the Irons need. 

The 27-year-old has an interesting background, being born to Ukrainian parents and growing up in London. He's come up the hard way via Alan Devonshire's Maidenhead, which is no bad thing, and is an England international at futsal. Kilman seems to be a good character all round. Scout Matt Hobbs, who signed him for £40,000 at Wolves, says, "I don't know anyone at the club who would have a negative word to say about him." Could he be West Ham's next captain? Whatever, it's encouraging to have got some business done early.

Oh, Said Benrahma

So Said Benrahma has gone to Lyon for £11.9m after a successful loan spell. He'll always be remembered for his penalty in the Europa Conference Final and scored some cracking goals in his time. Though he was a very frustrating player too, who never seemed to achieve quite what he should, shooting when he should pass and passing when he should shoot. Although Said was certainly unlucky with numerous shots against the woodwork. 

News also arrives that Ben Johnson and Diving Mubama won't be signing new contracts. Divin never looked quite ready for the Premier League, though he would benefit from a spell at a Championship side. Johnson made some decent cameos off the bench last season, but can't cross like Coufal and never really recovered from a terrible game at Brighton when the Irons lost 4-0. He remains the best playwright to turn out for West Ham though.

So having also lost Keherer and Ogbonna this summer and only signed 18-year-old Guilherme, the squad is dangerously thin. Tom Steidten, who seems to now be more in control of transfers than Lopetegui (named as chief coach rather than manager) having won his power battle with Moyes, proved he could sign good players at Bayer Leverkusen. He needs to get going quickly in the market now.

Wes Hammer

Meanwhile West Ham have signed the former Sheffield United goalkeeper Wes Foderingham on a free. It's easy for people to mock getting a player from a side with the worst defensive record in the Premier League, but signing a keeper with Premier League experience as our third choice isn't a bad move. And he wasn't exactly helped by the players in front of him. Foderingham also payed in the promotion-winning Sheffield United side so can't be that bad and also has experience at Swindon and Rangers. He's been signed as a bench-warmer, but could still prove useful and more experienced than Anang should Areola and Fabianski be out.

No doubting Tomas

A very West Ham goal from the Czech Republic last night. The Turkey keeper failed to hold a long throw from Vladimir Coufal and there was Tomas Soucek to fire home the loose ball. The Czechs are still on their way home after losing in the final minute, but that might be a good thing for West Ham in giving our lads a rest. It will be interesting to see what Lopetegui makes of Soucek, a player who runs all day, gets his head and feet on stuff in both boxes, but isn't the most cultured of midfielders. Will he stick or twist? We'll have to wait and see.

A view to a Kilman

West Ham have bid £25 million for Wolves' Max Kilman according to the Guardian. That won't be enough as Wolves want £40 million plus, though their problems with Financial Fair Play regulations might make them keener to sell. He's a very dependable player who didn't miss a game last season, though ominously Newcastle are also looking at him. Hopefully Lopetegui's time managing Kilman at Wolves might count for something. The Irons need to pay whatever it takes as centre back is the number one priority after last season's 74 goals conceded, plus the injuries of Zouma and the release of Ogbonna. Though one bonus of getting Kilman would be that the Hammers could possibly have a centre back partnership of Maximilian and Konstantinos, meaning we really would have two big name defenders.