West Ham go Caracas as Portobello Pirlo departs

West Ham have signed 22-year-old Venezuelan winger Keiber Lamadrid on loan from Venezuelan Super Cup winners Deportivo La Guaira. He’s the first Venezuelan to play for West Ham so we have to hope Donald Trump doesn’t send in a snatch squad in a bid to challenge the international rules-based transfer system. The lad comes from Caracas, so please insert your own joke here.

It’s a strange signing as the Venezuelan winger finished his season in December and is still in pre-season, so Nuno admits he’s not ready to play yet. We have to hope he’s the real Lamadrid, though this has the hallmarks of a David Sullivan gift to the manager. It’s still unclear who makes the transfer decisions at West Ham now Kyle Macauley has left; it seems to be a combination of Nuno, David Sullivan and whichever agent is in favour. More efficient recruiters like Brighton, Bournemouth and Brentford have a process in place.

Meanwhile the Portobello Pirlo Andy Irving has departed for Sparta Prague for a rumoured £1.5 million. The mysterious Scot become something of a cult as he seemed to arrive from nowhere. Andy was a decent passer and not a bad crosser. He had a fairly good game at Chelsea when Graham Potter selected him as a starter last season, but he never recovered from Nuno’s decision to pair him with Soucek in midfield for the defeats against Brentford and Leeds. Irving just wasn’t mobile or fast enough for the central midfield positions. Still, he always did his best as a sub, though West Ham should be signing players who can make a difference, not ok squad players for the bench. But having said that, good luck in Prague Andy.

Now let’s see what happens with the pursuit of a central defender before the window closes.

Andy Irving: international man of mystery

It's not often you have no idea who one of your own players is. Andy Irving has now come on as a sub for three games in a row, most recently for a five-minute cameo against Fulham. He even got a shot in against Chelsea. Did he fall to Earth like David Bowie? Andy apparently signed for West Ham from Austria Klagenfurt on deadline day at the start of last season, though at the time neither club confirmed the deal. He was then immediately loaned back to Austria Klagenfurt. It was a productive spell with the midfielder scoring nine goals in 28 games for the Austrian outfit including a hat-trick against Red Bull Salzburg. Then he returned to West Ham, scored a belter in the pre-season friendly at Dagenham, and now seems to be a fixture in the squad. In fact Andy's just been called up by Scotland. 

Irving, now 24, started his career at Hearts, where he scored twice in 46 appearances and played for Scotland Under-21s. He also had loan spells at Berwick and Falkirk. The peripatetic Scot then signed for German third division side Türkgücü München. He had a season there before financial problems forced the club to resign from the league, and was then signed by Austria Klagenfurt and the rest is obscure Hammers history. He's certainly come to West Ham via a circuitous route. Though the alternative theory is that he is actually secret agent 007 planted at West Ham to tackle the evil megalomaniacs and dastardly states controlling the Premier League and now bent on world domination.