Taking goals to Newcastle

Newcastle United 0 West Ham United 2 (two)

It's over to Lola and Michael's flat to watch the expected drubbing at St James' Park. On WhatsApp Mystic Matt is surprised that Loppy has dropped Guido Rodriguez leaving us with no specialist defensive midfielders against in-form Newcastle. Still, it's brave, or possibly foolhardy, to bring in Soler to play alongside Soucek in central midfield with talk of Julen having two games to save his job.

There's an early scare when Izak has a goal correctly disallowed for offside. But there's something different about this West Ham side as the team run hard and steam into tackles. After ten minutes West Ham win a corner and from Emerson's dead ball Soucek loses the Toon defence to head powerfully home. Blimey. It's West Ham's first goal from a corner this season.

A predictable Newcastle onslaught ensues. Willock fires wide and when Todibo miscues to set up Gordon, Fabianski produces a great reflex save. But the Irons are also taking the game to Newcastle and countering at pace. Paqueta is playing deeper alongside Soucek and Soler is busy throughout and always ready to try a shot, curling one effort narrowly wide after a good move. He certainly looks more dynamic than Guido. Bowen is tireless and Antonio is proving a handful for the Newcastle defence. Micky ends up with a ripped shirt and has to change into a new one on the pitch, revealing an enviable set of abs to the nation.

Shortly before the interval Guimaraes chips through to Isak who fires just wide of the post, while Bowen tests Pope after a decent breakaway.

AARON WAN-BISSAKA GOAL MACHINE

More APA is required at half-time as I'm convinced we'll still lose and it's hard to concentrate on the aubergine and potato dish on my lap. Gordon fires across the goalmouth as the second half starts. But what sort of thing is happening here? Paqueta robs Guimaraes and sets Bowen free, Jarrod passes inside to the underlapping Wan-Bissaka and Aaron fires into the far corner for his first goal in four years. Incredible. 

Nicola wants to know why I'm still stressed and I explain it's the hope I can't take. But Newcastle look strangely jaded and West Ham defend stoutly thanks to Kilman and co. Bowen and Soucek test Pope with on-target shots. Todibo goes off injured and there's a scare when sub Mavropanos puts his arms around Wilson and Newcastle shout for a penalty. That one could have gone either way.

Danny Ings comes on for Antonio and there's even a late sighting of Andy Irvine. Despite six minutes of added time the Irons control the game and the 3200 away fans in the gods enjoy a series of "oles" as the Hammers play keepball. 

It's a very unexpected win. It's the best we've seen from the manager and also players like Soler and Wan-Bissaka. Paqueta was looking more like the player of old too. Most importantly the side seemed to work really hard for each other and one very impressive stat is that West Ham covered 120.7 kilometres, the longest of any side in a Premier League match this season. Two weeks with the players has allowed Loppy to somehow inspire the lads with a work ethic. It's also worth noting that West Ham had six shots on target as opposed to the home side's two. 

This was much much better. Let's hope it's the turning point of our season. Irons!

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory

Newcastle United 4 West Ham United 3 

It's not the despair... After attending to my hedge fund (or at least cutting my hedge) it's a 12.30pm kick-off on TNT for the game at St James's Park. It's a terrible start from West Ham with Coufal bringing down the lively Gordon for an early penalty. Gordon has run back from an offside position but again VAR decides against the Hammers. A silly lunge from Vlad though, as Isak dispatches the penalty past Areola.

But West Ham improve after this early setback. Newcastle are disrupted by Lascalles going off injured and a great through ball from the unmarked Paqueta sees Antonio breach the Geordies back-line to score. Guimaraes hits the bar for the home side but West Ham take the lead just before the break as Paqueta takes a quick free kick and Bowen's cross is thumped home by Kudus.

Fabianski comes on for the injured Areola. An away win seems inevitable when a great run down the left by Kudus sees him find Jarrod Bowen, who scores a fine breakaway goal on 48 minutes.

But the game turns on substitutions. Moyes brings on Kalvin Phillips for Antonio after 69 minutes. Shoring up the midfield at 3-1 isn't necessarily a bad idea, but you need a player like the suspended Alvarez to do it. Unfortunately Moyes does it with Phillips, who is increasingly looking like the accident-prone Frank Spencer of football. The anti-Moyes fans have a point in that Antonio is surely now match fit and can last the full 90 minutes and with his strength offer some respite to the defence.

Newcastle's injuries continue to mount, but the worst thing possible for West Ham is sub Almiron getting injured and being replaced by Harvey Barnes. The Toon are right back in it when the hapless Phillips is adjudged to have given away a penalty, though not by the ref. You've got to feel sorry for Kalvin as Gordon puts his foot in front of the West Ham man as he's about to kick the ball. It's certainly not deliberate and if anything a foul by Gordon. But again VAR decides against the Irons.

West Ham's collective nerve seems to go at this point as the Toon scuff a number of presentable chances. But the inevitable happens on 83 minutes as Barnes' bending run fools our centre backs and he beats Fabianski in a one-on-one finish. The home crowd go mental. There are still hopes of a point until the 90th minute. Gordon plays a short pass to Barnes and Phillips, trying to over-compensate for the penalty, dives in and allows the winger to swerve past him. Barnes sends a cracking finish into the far corner. Sod it.

There's still time for Gordon to get sent off for two yellows and West Ham to almost equalise as Kudus's cross eludes the keeper but Soucek can only chest wide when he should probably have headed it home. So  some good things for 60 minutes and a terrible last half hour. It's not entirely Phillips' fault, our defence is conceding far too many goals, with Zouma injury-prone, Dinos promising but inexperienced and both full backs better going forward than defending. While Paqueta, Kudus and Bowen needed to do more to relieve the pressure in the final quarter.

At least there's a chance to redeem ourselves against Spurs on Thursday but it's another game lost without Alvarez. And poor old Kalvin Phillips' confidence is just so shot we can't afford to bring him on unless we're wining 5-0. It would have been a lot easier to have just lost this one 1-0. Nurse, the screens.

Paqueta earns deserved point at Newcastle

Newcastle United 1 West Ham United 1

When Newcastle score after 40 seconds it looks like being a long afternoon. Willock's effort is correctly disallowed by VAR as the ball has gone out of play, but from the resulting goal kick Newcastle score a legitimate goal. Paqueta isn't strong enough in midfield, Longstaff nicks it and plays a through ball to Callum Wilson. He has managed to get between Ogbonna and Kehrer for a simple finish. It's a poor goal to concede.

Schar flicks a free kick over the bar but the response from West Ham is good.The players look angry and driven on by the excellent Rice the Irons start to have the better of the half. Emerson makes a number of surging runs and after good work by Antonio, Benrahma shoots on his right foot instead of taking it on his left.

When Paqueta has an effort deflected narrowly wide the Irons win a corner. I'm wondering why Rice is taking it when he would surely be more use in the box. Declan answers my doubts by whipping in an excellent inswinger, which is flicked on by Aguerd. Paqueta is on hand at the far post to control and calmly poke over the line. He celebrates with a double somersault, something not even Antonio (or the balletic Iain Dowie) attempted after scoring for WHU.

Benrahma cuts inside only to fire wide from a good position and then Aguerd puts a free header over the bar from Coufal's free kick. So it's 1-1 at the break.

The Hammers start the second half well, with Johnson on for the injured Kehrer. The last half an hour is Newcastle pressure though as Coufal blocks Saint-Maximin's goalbound effort. Joelinton is booked for a terrible dive and Newcastle's best chance is a Wlson header straight at Fabianski.

Aguerd has a great game at the back and his best moment is a sprint back to make a superb tackle on Wilson just as the forward is about to shoot. Credit to Coufal too for another well-timed tackle on Saint Maximin in the box.

In the end it's a very creditable away point and one of the best performances of the season. Newcastle looked a little tired after reaching Wembley in midweek and missed Guimaraes. But this was a solid team performance from West Ham. Even my fellow season ticket holder Matt is impressed, and for the first time in his life says on WhatsApp that he thought the ref had a good game. 

This was more like last season and gives the side something to build on. Now all we have to do is beat Chelsea and their 57 new signings. Irons!

Second half fightback sees Hammers enjoy afternoon on the Toon

Newcastle United 2 West Ham United 4 (four)

Great to hear the Hammers away fans in full voice again on Now TV though it's a poor very start from the Irons. Five minutes in Saint-Maximin twists and turns past Rice to get a cross in and the poorly-marked Wilson heads home. He always scores against us so we had been warned.

But as happened so often last season, we show character to bounce back. A nice patient move sees the ball worked to Cresswell, whose cross goes through a crowd of players and into the net. After a worrying VAR pause it's given as Bowen only touched the ball when it was already over the line. Bowen makes a great run to wriggle though the defence only to fire against Woodman's legs. Almiron's shot hits the bar, but it's the Irons looking the most likely to score, even if Saint-Maximin causes panic whenever he has the ball. 

But the good work is ruined just before the break when Ritchie's cross is headed home by the unmarked Murphy. Understandably Rice, Soucek and Coufal are looking a bit leggy after their Euro exertions and at half-time it seems evident that we need some signings to freshen up the squad.

The old West Ham would have lost this, but once Rice gets going a remarkable comeback ensues. Declan takes the ball off Saint-Maximin and feeds Bowen who finds Antonio, who does well to dig out a cross that is headed home by Said Behrahma. Always said the Algerian playmaker was deadly in the air.

It's soon 3-2 when Antonio heads Coufal's cross against the post and then Fornals is brought down. Antonio's penalty is saved but Soucek is alert enough to net the rebound. The fourth is a classic counter-attacking goal. Benrahma waits just long enough to play in the onrushing Antonio, who fires home a belter. 

Even Now TV experiencing technical difficulties for the final 20 minutes doesn't have me too worried. Under Moyes we know how to see out a game. Once Declan and the Czechs got going we looked much better and it's great for Benrahma's confidence to get a goal and an assist in the first match. We still need some signings — even if it does look like Harry Kane is holding out for a move to the Hammers. But this was carrying on where we left off last season and a performance of some character. Irons!

Hammers twice let the lead slip at Newcastle

Newcastle United 2 West Ham 2

I'd have settled for a point this morning, but after twice going ahead David Moyes will be annoyed that his me couldn't hold on for three points. It was the perfect start for the Hammers after four minutes with Fornals playing a lovely weighted through ball to Bowen on the right. His cross was missed by Lascalles and Antonio swept it home. The lead only lasted until the 15th minute, when Creswell was overloaded on the left and Almiron got ahead of Ogbonna to poach a goal.

Bowen went close for the Hammers before they again took the lead. Finally we're looking decent at corners. Rice headed Bowen's corner against the bar and Soucek swivelled brilliantly to turn home the rebound. But that lead only lasted a minute or so as the Hammers' offside trap backfired with Fornals failing to step up and Shelvey was allowed to poke home. 

There was still time for sub Yarmolenko to sting the gloves of Dubravka with a piledriver, but 2-2 it was. A decent away point against an in-form Newcastle, just a shame it wasn't even more. Still, this puts West Ham in charge of their fate. Results against fellow strugglers Norwich, Watford and Aston Villa would guarantee survival.

Oh what fun it is to see West Ham win away!

Newcastle United 0 West Ham United 3

While the Hammers play in Geordieland, we're away in Stratford-upon-Avon looking at Shakespearian gaffs to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I text fellow Hammer Matt to hope that Pellegrini Hathaway of getting three points at Newcastle. And he does. All four of his changes (Hernandez, Snodgrass, Noble and Cresswell) make a difference and Chicharito has a lean and hungry look. While we're looking round Anne Hathaway's cottage the Hammers take the lead when Snodgrass gets a deserved assist, crossing for Chicharito to stroke home in the box past a sleeping home defence. Newcastle aren't too bad for the rest of the half, with Perez missing a free header and a brilliant Zabaleta block denying Rondon. 

But Anderson absolutely dominates the game and bamboozles poor Yedlin. Chicharito misses two good chances created by the Brazilian, but make amends by latching on to Arnie's header and dispatching past Dubravka. Anderson has an effort saved after another thrilling break and enjoys himself hugely playing little wedge passes. In added time he gets his reward, firing under the keeper. That's four in four games for Felipe and should shut up the bloke behind us who is always haranguing him for not getting stuck in. A great result at a team that had just won three in a row. All's well that ends well for West Hamlet, and as Matt texts to say, it's one of the Macbeth results of the season. Irons!

Giving goals to Newcastle

Newcastle 3 West Ham 0

This is getting worrying. Three away games to start was always going to be difficult, but we really should have got something from a match at struggling Newcastle. Bilic seems to have lost the art of selecting the right side. Declan Rice has done really well, but playing four games in a row is a big ask for a kid and surely a game this important called for the experience of Obiang or Kouyate in midfield? It was young Rice's mistake which led to Toon's opener and he was taken off at half-time. While Fernandes was a strange selection with Obiang, Kouyate and Sakho on the bench.

At least Lanzini came on for the second half and Cresswell and Hernandez did produce a great double save from Elliot in a decent ten-minute spell after the break. But as Bilic said, for 80 minutes of the match West Ham were not good enough. It was terrible marking for Clark's goal and the offside rap failed for the third. The side just couldn't cope with Newcastle's closing down.

The Irons have two weeks to regroup and need to get some points from Huddersfield at home and the match at West Brom and then the two home games against Spurs and Swansea. If not we'll be in a relegation struggle and the board may press the panic button and dispense with Slaven. 

Toon end Hammers' unbeaten run

Newcastle United 2 West Ham United 1

Oh well, guess WHU's unbeaten run had to end somewhere and a freezing afternoon in Newcastle always looked difficult. Received the bad news while in Cookham at the Sir Stanley Spencer art gallery — middle-class football fans, eh?

We were unfortunate to come across Newcastle's new £12m signing JonJo Shelvey — a Harold Wood boy as well as a Voldemort doppelgänger — with a point to prove to Swansea and new boss Steve McLaren. West Ham don't get going for the first half, indicated by Noble dithering early on, resulting in a chance for Newcastle.

The Toon take the lead with a great goal; Shelvey's probing pass finds Wijnaldum who lays it off first-time for Perez to blast a fine effort into the corner. The Irons almost equalise when Cresswell gets in a great low centre only for Antonio to be thwarted by a fine block from Coloccini. But it's two after 15 minutes when Shelvey plays a great 60-yard pass to Janmaat on the right, who centres for Wijnaldum to beat Collins to the ball and flick home. Shelvey then shows the other side of his game, being lucky to stay on the pitch for an elbow on Valencia.

A bit strange of Bilic to play Valencia alone up front in the first half — presumably so that he could play both Obiang and Kouyate together — as Enner's never looked suited to the lone striker role. Jelavic comes on for the second half and scores with his first touch, when he gathers Mbemba's poor back pass, rounds the keeper and slots home. The Hammers play better in the second half, though Newcastle have chances to get a third as Adrian makes two good stops from Mitrovic and Wijnaldum slews wide. Late on Jelavic gets in a great centre and Kouyate's header is saved by Eliot's knee.

So the Wally With The Brolly has finally beaten Super Slav, watched by Alan Shearer and Ed Sheeran, who just might be the Geordies' version of Chas and Dave. Had we avoided defeat it would have been a club record nine matches undefeated in the Premier League. Hard to complain too much after our recent run, but now it's time to regroup for Man City.

West Ham and Big Sam fail to survive Survival Sunday

Newcastle 2 West Ham 0

I catch most of the Survival Sunday game in the Famous Cock Tavern and it’s a predictable end to the season. West Ham are Newcastle’s ideal opponents. Downing has a shot against the keeper’s legs in the first half and Newcastle have a couple of chances scuffed wide. In the second half, Newcastle want to win it a lot more. 

Our performance is typified when Cresswell appears favourite to win the ball but is outpaced and outmuscled by Janmaat, who nearly creates a goal. Alex Song is often brushed off the ball, and also seems to sum up WHU’s season, brilliant before Christmas but either injured or not putting a shift in once he decided he’s not going to sign for us.

Once Sissoko shows the desire to get between two defenders to score it’s all over. Cole heads way over and Nolan has a snap shot wide and that’s it from the Irons. Newcastle manage to break with four players free, only for Adrian to somehow prevent a goal with a great one handed stop. Newcastle guarantee safety when Gutierrez cuts in from the left to score with a deflected shot.

It’s been an awful end of season and the players certainly deserve stick for being unprofessional and not motivating themselves once safety was assured. Ironically, the side has stopped doing what an Allardyce side was meant to do; be dangerous at set pieces, get crosses in, work hard and know how to close out a game.

BIG SAM OUT

Soon after the final whistle the club announce the worst kept secret in football, that Sam Allardyce’s contract will not be renewed. Have the players realised he’s been going since Christmas? Would they have been more motivated had Allardyce been given a new contract at Christmas when the club was fourth? Who knows? Big Sam himself looks relieved and at the age of 60 says he plans to take a break from football. Or is this just his spin on being sacked? Certainly his body language has looked tired in the last two months.

It was always an uneasy marriage and Big Sam was often disastrous at PR with the fans. Saying he didn’t know what the West Ham way was when he first joined was a huge mistake and dismissing criticisms as coming from “deluded” fans talking “bollocks” made things worse and added to a public image of arrogance, as did the infamous ear-cupping to the fans after the Hull victory. There were little things too, like referring to “the West Ham fans” rather than “our fans”. And bigger issues like the fact that he kept Kevin Nolan in the side long after his form had declined.

On the other hand, disliking a manager is not necessarily a reason for getting rid of him. Nigel Pearson can be weird and unpleasant to journalists but has done a fantastic job at Leicester, while Sir Alex Ferguson had, at times, a distinctly nasty side to his character.

ESTABLISHED IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE

For his results, Big Sam deserves some credit and respect. It’s often underestimated how difficult it is getting out of the Championship. Only two out the last 12 clubs relegated have managed to come straight back up. Allardyce was left only Noble, Tomkins, Reid (who looked poor under Avram Grant) and Cole from the relegated side to build a team around. Had the team not gone up we might have ended up in the lower regions of the Championship like Bolton or relegated again like Wigan. Yet we saw West Ham win a final at Wembley for the first time in 32 years, so I’d like to thank Big Sam for that great day.

The football was never purely long-ball, otherwise the likes of Noble wouldn’t have been in the side. The side often played with two wingers, which was in principle exciting, though the likes of Matt Jarvis rarely found his man. At times it was rudimentary though, with the main game plan being the hope that Andy Carroll can win the ball and Kevin Nolan pick up the pieces. Yet there was a big improvement in the first half of this season, with some good signings, two strikers up front, and Downing a revelation in the midfield diamond. And perhaps the point was, we had to establish the team in the Premier League by any means necessary and now we’ve been there for three seasons.

Had say, Slaven Bilic, managed to get West Ham promoted, then finish tenth, thirteenth and twelfth, most fans would be saying he was a very good manager. It’s been a terrible end to the season, for which Allardyce must share the blame, but he has certainly left the club in much better shape than he arrived; in the Premier League, with a decent first eleven and Noble, Tomkins and Reid signed up to new contracts.

Yet what Sullivan and Gold will have also noticed this season was that whatever Allardyce does, some fans will never accept him. Some of the same fans who blamed Allardyce entirely for the club being in a relegation struggle and losing 6-0 at Manchester City in early 2014, then argued that the club’s rise to fourth was down to the influence of Teddy Sheringham and Big Sam getting lucky with injuries to Carroll and Nolan. If the manager takes the blame he should surely get the credit when things go well.

WHO'S NEXT?

What the club now needs is a unity candidate. Someone who has looked up the West Ham Way on Google and will have all the fans behind them. Next season could be very difficult if West Ham are in the Europa League and it affects league form. We have to disprove the statistic that Allardyce teams go down after he leaves (like Bolton, Newcastle and Blackburn) and ensure we go into the Olympic Stadium as a Premier League team. 

Realistically, even if we play to our maximum potential, we will not finish above seventh without throwing massive sums of cash at the team. But with that stadium and the potential of the fanbase it’s also an enticing club for an ambitious manager. Sullivan and Gold once recruited Avram Grant; let’s hope they make a much better choice this time.

Clucking Kevin Nolan!

Newcastle United 0 West Ham United 1

What a result at St James' Park... another goal from Nolan and not even injuries to McCartney, Benayoun and Jarvis can take the shine off the fact that we are sixth in the Premier League. When did that last happen? And Nolan even declined to do his chicken dance after scoring against his old team.

Didn't look like a great game on MOTD2 with Newcastle starting as hesitantly as George Entwistle facing a grilling from John Humpreys. Our goal comes through Joey O'Brien's shot which is heading towards Gateshead until Nolan shows fine reactions to redirect it into the net. The Geordie nation is spared his chicken dance as the Irons fans rejoice in the stratosphere of the Newcastle stands. The non-clucking Nolan then goes close with an effort just wide.

In the second half Newcastle exert more pressure and the crucial moment is when Demba Ba's header is clawed off the line by Jaaskelainen. The Geordies say the ball crossed the line but the film evidence is inconclusive. Jussi makes another low save from Ben Arfa but West Ham almost double their lead when Nolan plays through Andy Carroll. His shot is on target but slightly too high and Krul pulls off a fine reaction save. Subs O'Neil, Demel and Maiga all contribute and it's another great example of the togetherness this year.

Big Sam says it's not a special result to defeat his former employers before presumably flicking the Vs at Mike Ashley from the team coach. Blimey. We're in a Europa League spot. Another 22 points and we're safe! Irons!

Giving goals to Newcastle

Newcastle 5 West Ham 0

It’s painful enough watching the live scores on bbcsport.com — it must have been infinitely worse for any Irons up north.

Parker’s swerving shot early on is our only good moment.
Newcastle’s first is a succession of errors. Piquionne passes to an invisible right wingeron the edge of the Geordies’ box, the ball is hoofed upfield, Tomkins heads it sideways to Lovenkrands and it’s two versus one at the back. Lovenkrands plays in Leon Best, Green is slow to come off his line and it’s 1-0 after 18 minutes. His first PL goal. Another player whose Premier League career we’ve kick-started.

For the second Tomkins gives away a free kick. We go to sleep at a free kick and don’t get goalside — Wally Downes must be appalled — allowing Lovenkrands to run through and cross and Best again to score through a tangle of flailing claret and blue legs.

The third sees Tomkins clear the ball straight to Nolan who finishes first time from the edge of the box. Half-time and it’s 3-0

Matt texts “I hate WHU’ while Nigel texts “Usual business restored”.

It gets much worse in the second half. Criminally it’s two versus Matthew Upson at the back again and Best finishes easily. Pathetic defending. Then Barton is given too much space to cross by Gabbidon and Lovenkrands beats our defender (Tomkins again?) to the ball to score.

And it should be six when Nile Ranger misses an open goal.

Tomkins in particular, has had a nightmare, which can happen to young players, but there’s no excuse for the senior players lack of fight.

Grant explains: "Everything we tried to do didn't go well and the physical side and quality wasn't there." Apart from that we were fine.

My Gooner-supporting sister-in-law Eliza texts: “Losers losers losers 5-0 to Newcastle! Losers! Losers!” Thanks.

This was embarrassing. We're bottom again. The most unproductive cockney visit to Newcastle since Michael Caine went in search of his bruvver's killer in Get Carter.

Cole takes goals to Newcastle

Newcastle 2 West Ham 2

This lonely Hammer is marooned at Jess’s house and baby-warming party in Crystal Palace, surrounded by various members of the Wenban-Smith family, Friends of the Earth types, archaeologists, and people from the Marine Stewardship Council, reliant on Big Joe’s texts from St James’ Park for footie news. The walnut and cream mushrooms are quite good though.

Joe is wondering if he should talk to Our Friends in the North about the latest issue of Granta or last night’s performance of August: Osage County at The National Theatre. However, like the Geordies he is wearing a t-shirt, admittedly beneath three layers of thermals. “Don’t discuss Pinter or put up a brolly in the train queue,” is my advice on how to escape detection as a soft southerner.

As we head back on the train from a frosty Crystal Palace station Joe texts:”2-1 to us — God knows how.”

“We’re winning 2-1 at Newcastle!” I tell my daughters. Although there’s ten minutes left, enough for us to lose knowing WHU. Sure enough, Joe reveals “2-2 Equaliser as soon as last text”.

Mercifully by the time we reach Victoria station I discover we’ve drawn 2-2, another good away point. Joe adds: “Watch Lucas Neill’s own goal tonight on MOTD — if it had gone in it would have been goal of the month.”

Our defence looks ropey early on as Own hits the post. Then Collins slips and Owen shoots low into the corner. But we fight back well, with a fine passing move ending with Parker slipping the ball into Bellamy who chips over Given just to wind up the home fans. Noble has a one-on-one saved by Given as we dominate. the in-demand keeper makes a fantastic one-handed save to deny Collison.

Then, incredibly, Ilunga punts the ball forward and Cole beats the lethargic defence to control the ball on his thigh and volley an unstoppable left foot shot into the top corner as if he’s, well, Gianfranco Zola.

Newcastle press back, and then comes the recommended own goal from Lucas. A marvellous miscue into our top corner that rivals Dowie’s effort for Stockport. Only the ref has spotted a push on James Collins.

Newcastle swing in another cross from the left and the poncily-braided Carroll beats Upson and heads the ball powerfully past Green for his first ever Newcastle goal. In added time Upson makes a fantastic tackle to prevent what looks like a late winner for the Toon.

Good game, iffy defences. The endless Tevezgate saga might be engendering something that smells like team spirit. We’re unbeaten in six away games and we’re still tenth on 26 points with Spurs in the bottom three. The thought occurs that Zola is starting to look like a half-decent manager. He doesn’t panic after a loss, has stuck to his footballing principles and his at times seemingly deranged faith in Carlton Cole appears to be paying off.

Now all we have to do is survive another week in the transfer window.