Hammer horror show continues

West Ham 1 Chelsea 5

In the Best Meze Cafe Matt has been served two-thirds of a pint of rosé wine, which is probably just as well allowing for what is to follow. Michael arrives wearing a cryptic t-shirt reading "Underestimate Me" and as the falafel and haloumi mushrooms arrive we commiserate with Big Sam on his misfortune in buying a season ticket. In the stadium we find CQ and Nigel, wearing a Helsinki t-shirt purchased on a train holiday around Finland.

The crowd seem up for it at the start and Cole Palmer has been withdrawn after the warm-up. Surely we can't be as bad as at Sunderland? After six minutes Estevao plays a loose ball, Diouf feeds Paqueta who isn't challenged and races towards the box to send a brilliant swerving shot into the top of the net past a despairing Sanchez. That's more like the old Lucas.

It's the perfect start as the crowd tell Chelsea where to insert their blue flag. Now we have something to defend, only that's the problem. Nine minutes later Chelsea get a corner. Cucurella gets above Paqueta ro flick on at the near post and Joao Pedro rises above Todibo and Fullkrug to head home. Its a simple set-piece goal that we just shouldn't concede. The defence is still not doing the basics.

West Ham's response appears to be good as Todibo plays a one-two with Paqueta to get down the right and cross. Kilman fires into a defender but Fullkrug gets the rebound and slams the ball past Sanchez. Cue sodding VAR and Todibo being adjudged offside by a toe.

West Ham then concede another sloppy goal. Diouf plays a difficult ball to Paqueta on the edge of the box, Lucas falls over and claims a foul but Chelsea play on. West Ham don't, and Joao Pedro crosses for Neto to get behind Wan-Bissaka and volley home. We're not good enough to play it out from the back

Soucek and Ward-Prowse are being by-passed in midfield as Chelsea dominate. Brazilian wonderkid Estevao skates through our defence and past Soucek to cross for Hernandez to score. Again Wan-Bissaka, a talented player having a terrible game, has let his man get in front of him.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time, though we are sensing that having produced only one trophy in 45 years it might be losing its power. Potter takes off Todibo for Freddie Potts and Fullkrug for Wilson.

It doesn't get better. From a Chelsea corner Hermansen flaps hopelessly at the ball and pals the ball to Caicedo who shoots home.Four minutes later another Chelsea corner sees Hermansen bullied out of it, admittedly not protected much by his defenders, and is on the ground as Chalobah scores. We start to remember the days of Roberto and Allen McKnight. It was a mistake to bring Hermansen in so soon after signing and he has to be dropped now for Areola. His confidence is shot and it won't have been helped by the crowd giving ironic cheers late on when he does catch the ball. 

CHELSEA DAGGER

Five-one down after 58 minutes, with three goals conceded from corners. Luckily Chelsea decide to ease up and bring on some subs. West Ham do make a few chances. Kilman and Aguerd head over from corners, Potts has a shot well-saved by Sanchez and Wilson dawdles instead of shooting, opting to pass to Walker-Peters who has a low effort cleared from in front of the line. 

Michael looks mournfully towards fourth official James Mainwaring and declares, "We're doomed, we're all doomed!" Matt agrees that at least the ref had a good game. West Ham leave the pitch to boos from those fans left, though Nigel does at least spot his West Ham pal from the Hawkwind concert.

Ye Olde Black Bull is clean out of whisky and revolvers but does have some cold Brixton Pale Ale to help us as the TV plays Jamie Redknapp and Robert Green on Sky dissecting our frailties. Potter hasn't made any difference in eight months and can't get his team doing basic defending. On Sky Robert Green suggests that he plays three centre-backs because he doesn't trust any of them. Eight goals conceded in two games and Potter is in big trouble. Should we lose to Wolves, Forest and Spurs Potter might, like Nigel and CQ in Helsinki, be expecting the Finnish. 

But it's not just the manager, the club is suffering from years of bad decisions made by the owners. We still don't know why Moyes didn't sign that new contract in January 2024 with West Ham sixth, but those fans who appeared on phone-ins saying Moyes was holding us back are looking pretty silly now.

Just to round it off the Mildmay line train is full of horrible Chelsea fans singing "Three more years, three more years Graham Potter!" to round off the pain. The world is bad enough without this. West Ham urgently need a leader on the pitch, someone who can defend corners, two athletic midfielders and a manager who can inspire much better performances from a still-talented squad. Apart from that everything is fine.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 3; Wan-Bissaka 3, Todibo 3 (Potts 5), Kilman 3, Aguerd 3, Diouf 4; Soucek 3 (Walker-Peters 5), Ward-Prowse 3, Paqueta 6; Bowen 4, Fullkrug 5 (Wilson 5).

I don't want to go to Chelsea

West Ham 0 Chelsea 3

Luckily we're on holiday in Belgium for this one, with West Ham collapsing like a set of fragile waffles. There's a real Hammers problem with conceding early goals. Kudus gets an early shot away but when Mavropanos gives away a free kick in the fourth minute, Chelsea's quick response baffles the West Ham defence. Jackson is being man-marked by Alvarez in a strange tactical ploy by Lopetegui. The Chelsea striker has acres of space on the left, Wan-Bissaka is occupied with Sancho and the Chelsea man runs through to shoot through Areola's legs. 

Chelsea almost get a second when Jackson is again afforded infinite space on the left flank and sets up Palmer to fire just wide. The second does arrive when Chelsea ping the ball around in midfield without a West Ham challenge, Mavropanos steps in and Caicedo has time to play an easy through ball to Jackson, who slots home having lost Kilman.

Lopetegui admits he's got his tactics wrong in the 38th minute by substituting Rodriguez with Soucek. There's a brief West Ham revival, with Summerville having a clear penalty turned down after Fofana grabs his arm. Kudus has a goal correctly disallowed for offside and Soucek at least gets a shot away at Sanchez.

But the game is over in the first minute of the second half as the Irons again concede early. Chelsea counter attack with Jackson again free on the left and Kilman up against two men. He finds Palmer who beats Areola at his near post. 

Bowen has a shot blocked but only a brilliant save by Areola from Nkunku's header keeps the score down. West Ham leave the pitch to a round of boos while I console myself with a glass of aptly-named Bolleke beer. 

On WhatsApp Matt suggests it's the worst home performance since the 6-0 defeat by Arsenal. The Irons have lost their first three games at home for the first time in their history. It's early days and Aston Villa, Man City and Chelsea have been quality opponents, but we should at least be giving them a game. This was nowhere near good enough. 

Stick your blue flag...

West Ham 3 Chelsea 1

It's a balmy August afternoon at Hackney Wick, where the old road to the stadium has been blocked off and access to the ground is now a longer trek via the away end. Good to see a photo of Jarrod Bowen's winner on the exterior of the London Stadium. Inside "2023 Europa Conference League Winners" has been added to our list of honours on the main stand. 

Lisa is taking it easy having only seen two West Ham games so far this weekend with the Under-18s and the Under-21s, both of which we won, plus watching the Lionesses on TV. Matt is wearing his Prague winners t-shirt, Nigel has arrived on the right day and just beaten the 3pm deadline for getting a Best Cafe breakfast. Michael has enjoyed a successful read-through of his latest play and dapper Fraser is unusually jacket-less in the heat. There's a Raise the Flag display with a silver Europa Conference trophy in the middle of a sea of claret in the Billy Bonds Stand.

"If we defend like this we're going down," says Michael, three minutes into our first home game. Nigel has to give him a talking to and tell him to raise himself and save his pessimism until the start of September. 

EMERGENCY WARD-PROWSE

It's immediately evident that James Ward-Prowse can take a great corner. Bowen nearly scores from his first delivery. From the next corner after seven minutes he swings the ball right on to Aguerd's head. Nayef rises above Conor Gallagher to head home. A hearty chorus of "Stick your blue flag..." rings around the London Stadium.

But after the goal Chelsea start to dominate through the speed of Jackson and Sterling as West Ham start to miss Rice in midfield. Areola appears to have conceded a penalty when he brings down Jackson, only to be saved by an offside flag. Benrahma loses possession and Aguerd is forced to bring down his man and take a booking for the team.

But a Chelsea goal is coming and arrives as a loose clearance by Zouma is gathered by Chukwuemeka, who cuts inside Soucek to fire home a fine shot. Paqueta twists to send a shot against the outside of the post but West Ham are hanging on at the back. A second goal looks inevitable when Soucek fouls Sterling and a penalty is given.

"Areola never saves penalties, remember the Blackburn shoot-out last season when he didn't get near any of them?" says Matt. Enzo Fernandez takes the penalty and Areola duly saves. Mystic Matt has done it again. It's a good height for the keeper and not a great penalty from the £105 million man, but credit to Areola for going the right way.

YOU BLOW MY MIND HEY MICKY!

It's a relief to make it to half-time level. But whatever Moyes says has an effect. Antonio starts to hold the ball up and menace the Chelsea defence. Eight minutes into the half Ward-Prowse plays a ball over the top to Antonio. Micky shrugs off Colwill and fires a rocket of a shot through the defender's legs and into the back of the net. That was unexpected, and it's two assists for Ward-Prowse on his debut.

Chelsea come back at us and Aguerd, Soucek and Zouma make some vital blocks, But with 23 minutes left Aguerd makes a rash challenge for a second yellow and is off. Surely we can't survive half an hour with ten men? But the team's resilience is excellent. Moyes brings on Ogbonna for Benrahma and Fornals for Antonio. Fornals is a clever move as it ensures the Hammers can still threaten on the break rather than sitting back all the time. Paqueta mops up in front of the defence and has a good team game too. Akvarez comes on for an effective 15-minute cameo. 

Sub Mudryk wastes some opportunities for Chelsea and a great Soucek tackle on 89 minutes proves the side's commitment. Paqueta and Fornals break down the left and Fornals gets through to fire a shot against Sanchez's legs.

Madueke has a deflected shot well saved by Areola, but generally Chelsea have lacked creativity against a massed defence. In the 95th minute Emerson and Paqueta get the ball in the corner. It seems they are going to waste some more time, but Paqueta's clever back-heel sets Emerson free in the box and he's fouled by £115 sub Caicedo. Lucas does a little hop, skip and stutter that ages Nigel ten years, but calmly sends Sanchez the wrong way and shouts at the heavens to celebrate the fact he's staying at a proper club and not gambling on the Mancs. 

What a great result and all after 24 per cent possession - the ultimate Moyesball win. Though I still think Chelsea can stay up. On the way to the Eagle Nigel confesses that he has forgotten his lucky banana. Perhaps WHU's fortunes are not entirely fruit driven?  At the pub we're joined by Tom from Gidea Park and Sinead has bottles of East London Pale Ale and Guinness and a cheese toastie for Fraser. Nigel reflects that the unexpected victories are the best and remembers a 1-0 win brings at Chelsea with an 89th minute own goal after being bettered all game. 

Four points from two games is four more points than we had at the same stage last season. And what a great way to celebrate our first home game since the Europa Conference win. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 8; Coufal 6, Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 7; Soucek 7, Ward-Prowse 8 (Alvarez 6), Paqueta 8, Benrahma 6 (Ogbonna 6); Bowen 6, Antonio 8 (Fornals 7).

Emerson earns point for Irons as Soucek saves the day

West Ham 1 Chelsea 1

We're in the Best Cafe at the slightly unreal time of 11.30am for a 12.30pm kick-off. The omelettes are off, but Lisa and myself opt for mushrooms on toast and Michael braves a full breakfast. Nigel is looking forward to seeing Girlschool later (though surely they must be sixth-formers by now?) and Matt manages to namedrop that he's read some good trivia about Jock Stein in the Northwood United versus Hanworth Villa programme. Lisa and Matt have already seen West Ham Women lose 7-0 to Chelsea this week, so hope it might not happen again today.

It's on to the London Stadium where there are big queues and almost a programme disaster before Nigel and myself find one at the tent past the security checks. We miss the first four minutes but get in just in time see Paqueta get fouled, fall over and then go off with a shoulder injury. Soucek replaces him. Chelsea are fielding a £200m forward line and a side of young players selected from their massive squad.

Early on Felix gets behind West Ham's defence very easily to hit the post and tap home the rebound. It's disallowed for offside, correctly, but it's a warning. The Hammers start slowly and when £107 signing Fernandez has time to chip a through ball to Joao Felix, who has got behind Aguerd too easily, it's 1-0 legitimately. Bowen might have been fouled in the build-up but it's still a sloppy goal to concede. Havertz thinks he's made it 2-0 only to be ruled offside again.

After a poor opening 20 minutes the Hammers come to life and realise that pressing Kepa and his defenders as they try to play it out of defence can reap dividends. Bowen gets a low cross in from the left and Antonio flicks it against Kepa's body to raise the hopes of the home crowd.

The equaliser arrives on 28 minutes. Kehrer finds Coufal in space on the right, and the wing-back's cross is flicked on by Bowen. Antonio can't reach it but Emerson is at the back post and the old prog rocker scuffs it home. Emerson refuses to celebrate against his old club but everyone else does.

STICK YOUR BLUE FLAG…

Before the break Fabianski has to produce a good save to deny the £30m Madueka and it's level at half-time. The second half sees a resilient performance from WHU. Rice shoots narrowly wide, while Antonio almost heads a Chelsea free kick just wide of his own net. "Stick your blue flag..." reverberates around the London Stadium.

Nigel wonders if Chelsea's Cucurella could be in Metallica. The hirsute left-back is replaced by Chilwell, who whinges at the ref and lino for much of his cameo. Soucek is having a decent workmanlike game and it could go either way. It seems like Tomas has won it for the Irons after 81 minutes. Sub Danny Ings wins a free kick, taken by Emerson. Rice's header is saved by Kepa and Soucek taps home the rebound. But VAR intervenes and deems that Rice's shoulder is marginally offside.

Worryingly Aguerd goes off with a knock, so we have to hope he and Paqueta are not too badly hurt. At least Kehrer has a decent second-half. There's still time for more controversy. Gallagher's shot is blocked by a falling Soucek and hits the non-bouncing Czech's hand. It should be a penalty but after Cornet-gate at Stamford Bridge we deserve some luck with VAR.

So the Hammers are unbeaten in four matches and have drawn against Newcastle and Chelsea, games we were expected to lose. We head to the Eagle where Sinead has laid on bottles of Whitstable Bay organic ale for me and cheese sandwiches for Fraser as we wonder whatever happened to Maxwel Cornet. It's packed for the rugby but we sit in the beer garden waiting for Matt and Lisa to arrive from the club shop, probably laden with West Ham dog bowls and the last few Arthur Masuaku mugs.

Chelsea should always beat us having spent so much on players (are they part of Liz Truss's left-wing economic establishment?). So a point is a decent result thanks to Soucek's save of the day. Agent Nigel is heading to Tottenham next week, where we have to hope it happens again. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 7, Kehrer 6, Ogbonna 6, Aguerd 6 (Johnson 6); Emerson 7; Rice 6, Paqueta n/a (Soucek 6), Benrahma 5 (Downes 6); Bowen 7, Antonio 6 (Ings 6).

Arthur Masuaku, he's better than Lukaku!

West Ham 3 Chelsea 2

It's another early BT Sport start at 12.30pm for this one. Nigel has gone to the wrong Stratford for his birthday, rather than showing CQ a good time at the Best Cafe with our own resident Bard Michael the Whovian. Matt's wearing his possibly lucky sapphire third choice away strip, and we're joined by Lisa, Fraser and returning Clacton duo Scott and Alison, who just might be a jinx. Scott predicts a 3-2 home win, as if that will happen.

For half an hour the game is fairly even with Fabianski saving from James but fairly few chances and lot of chants telling Chelsea where to stick their blue flag. That's until 28 minutes when Thiago heads home unopposed from a corner, having lost Antonio. That's unlike West Ham, but soon the Irons are back in it. Coufal has a shot cleared off the line, then Jorghino plays a dodgy back pass, Mendy dawdles and Bowen is alert enough to nick the ball before being being brought down by the keeper. Despite a lot of verbals from the Chelsea players Manuel Lanzini wallops an excellent penalty into the top corner.

Then the injury curse of Mystic Morris strikes again. Zouma has already been down and now Johnson appears to pull a muscle just as he's tracking Mason Mount. The Chelsea man volleys a spectacular goal into the bottom corner and then unwisely celebrates in front of the West Ham Fans. Luckily Fraser doesn't order a pitch invasion. Johnson is replaced by Arthur Masuaku. Matt promises to be positive and reminisces about Arthur's only goal for the Hammers.

JARROD BOWEN'S ON FIRE

At the break it looks like Chelsea will go on to show their Champions League-winning credentials and pass us into submission. But Moyes has clearly put something in Antonio's tea and Michail is looking a lot more lively and starting to bully Chelsea's defenders, while Bowen is threatening on the break and the side is much more on the front foot. Suddenly we're level as Coufal flicks on to Jarrod Bowen who fires a brilliant finish into the bottom corner and runs to the Bobby Moore End foe a knee-slide celebration. Clearly he's on fire. And never underestimate the resilience of this Hammers side.

Can we hold on for a 2-2 draw? Zouma has to go off having injured himself tackling Ziyech and we really are down to Harry's bare bones as Chelsea bring on the £90m Lukaku. Antonio wins possession to put in a great cross for Bowen to poke just wide when he should probably score. Chelsea lob endless balls into our box and Jorginho's shot is deflected wide off Diop. 

KING ARTHUR

We seem to be holding out in the 87th minute when Arthur Masuaku receives the ball on the left. He stops and gets in a brilliant cross that sails over the flailing Mendy and into the corner to spark mayhem. IT'S ARRTHUUUUUR!! Masuaku holds his arms up in a Cantona-esque gesture of aloof brilliance. None of us have ever doubted King Arthur, especially the Vicar's Son who has always viewed Arthur as a maverick genius and has now seen his idol score his first goal in the Premier League.

"West Ham are Massive everywhere we go!" rings round the stadium for the four minutes of added time. The part0-timers in the Chelsea end have left a bank of empty seats. Bowen is set up by Antonio and almost scores a fourth, bending the ball past the post. Finally the whistle blows. We have beaten Man United, Man City, Liverpool and now Chelsea. Alison has been relieved of her jinx label and Nigel is dancing in the streets of Stratford-upon-Avon. 

It's all slightly surreal to be heading to Stratford with a crowd of 60,000 fans singing "Whoah Arthur Masuaku, he's better than Lukaku!" We head off to the Theatre Royal bar for some deserved pints of Atlantic IPA and a rendezvous with Dan Dan the Wrestling Man (who strangely hasn't bet on Arthur to score) as Michael contemplates a theatrical trip to Hornchurch. Matt suggests that it might all be like Doctor Who and we will suddenly wake up out of this timestream and find ourselves back in London in 2021. We have seemingly beaten the European Champions and their blue flag has been inserted in a most unusual place. It seems we are Massive. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Coufal 8, Dawson 7, Zouma 7 (Fornals 7), Diop 8, Johnson 7 (Masuaku 9); Rice 9, Soucek 8, Lanzini 8 (Benrahma n/a), Bowen 8; Antonio 8.

Ridiculous red ends Hammers' hopes

West Ham 0 Chelsea 1 

This was always going to be the most difficult match of the run-in, particularly without Antonio, Rice, Cresswell, Masuaku and Dawson. West Ham do pretty well containing Chelsea in the first half with a five-man defence and Fredericks does well at left back. Werner and Mount always look dangerous for Chelsea, with Pulisic spurning an inviting chance. 

The Hammers waste an early corner but towards the end of the half start to gain more possession and see Soucek's hook turned past the post by Azpilicueta with his hand, though unintentionally and the no penalty decision is correct. What's disappointing is that Chelsea score just before the break. Chilwell is allowed to get a cross in and Balbuena and Soucek just fail to get to the ball, allowing Werner to stroke home.

West Ham are more of an attacking threat in the second half with Fornals at least hitting the target when he might have scored and Lingard lobbing just wide. At the other end Werner misses a sitter after Fabianski parries Mount's shot. Any hope of a late West Ham equaliser goes with a ridiculous VAR red card for Balbuena. The General's foot can't follow-through anywhere else as he clears and catches Mount.  

There's still time to see the best and worst of sub Said Benrahma. He wastes one chance with a long-range shot when he should cross, but then creates a good chance with a mazy dribble into the box on the left.

It's sad to lose to Chelsea but when you look at their bench, it contains Ziyech, Havertz, Abraham, James, Hudson-Odoi and Zouma, whereas WHU have the likes of youngsters Alves, Odubeko and Coventry.

It's important to remember the next five games are all winnable. It's a miracle West Ham have got so close to the Champions League. If we can just get a few players fit for the run-in we can still make Europe.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 7, Diop 6, Ogbonna 8, Balbuena 6, Fredericks 6 (Johnson n/a); Fornals 5 (Benrahma 6), Noble 6 (Lanzini 5), Soucek 6, Lingard 6, Bowen 5.

Stick your blue flag… Yarmy army seals epic win!

West Ham 3 (three) Chelsea 2

We all fear the worst going into this one. There's no Noble, but Ogbonna is back and the Hammers initially play a containing game against a confident top four side. But when Antonio manages to bulldoze his way past two Chelsea defenders only to screw a great chance wide it looks like that could be the key moment. Surely WHU won't get too many other chances. 

But for all Chelsea's passing and a Pulisic shot wafted just over the bar the Blues look troubled at corners by the triple battering ram of Soucek, Diop and Ogbonna. When Soucek forces a corner over the line it looks like the Hammers have taken the lead. But after a ridiculous three and a half minutes of VAR checking, Jonathan Moss rules that Antonio's head was offside and interfering with Kepa's line of vision even though the striker was prone on the ground.

Just to make it worse Chelsea get a penalty on 42 minutes after Diop makes a rash challenge and Pulisic goes down. Willian calmly fires it home. But the Hammers show the character that has been missing for most of the season. In the second minute of added time the Irons force another corner. Bowen crosses and Soucek rises above Azpilicueta at the far post to head down and in. He hesitates before celebrating but even VAR can't disallow it. When did we last score just before half-time?

ANTONIO! ANTONIO! ANTONIO!
After the interval West Ham look angry and go at Chelsea. Rice plays the ball in to Antonio, there's a scrabble for possession and Fornals feeds Bowen on the right. Jarrod gets in a fine low cross that Antonio sweeps home. Blimey. Lanzini has a chance to make it 3-1 when he curls an effort over the bar.

From then on its relentless Chelsea pressure as Pulisic starts to run the game and there are a couple of huge goalmouth scrambles. Pulisic is fouled on the edge of the box and predictably Willian's free kick goes in off the post. Fabianski's positioning gets a lot of criticism on Sky, though as Willian can put them both over the wall and round it, this seems a little unfair.

There are 18 minutes left and it is surely inevitable that West Ham will lose, just as they did at Liverpool. When West Ham bring on Wilshere and Yarmolenko you can feel the kinetic energy of myriad West Ham chat rooms going into meltdown over Moyes' idiotic substitutions. But West Ham are defending resolutely and still willing to counter-attack. While Yarmolenko looks like he might finally be fully fit

YARMY ARMY
Can we hold on for a point? In the 89th minute Rice clears, Antonio holds it up on his chest and plays a one-two with Fornals. Michail releases Yarmolenko on the right, who has got behind Alonso. The big Ukrainian cuts inside Rudiger on to his left foot and fires a sumptuous shot into the corner. Yeeeeeeess! Yarmy! Yarmy ! Yarmy! Stick you blue flag up your... How did that happen? We never score in the last minute.

Surely West Ham won't hold on for four added minutes. But we do and Moyes is hugging his players as they celebrate before an empty stadium. Can you hear me Big Fat Frank! John Terry! Joe Cole! Jose Mourinho! Ruud Gullit! Clive Walker! Chopper Harris! Video Assistant Referee! We gave your boys one hell of a beating!

What an absolutely vital win in a week when all the other bottom teams lost. Football, bloody hell.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Fredericks 6, Diop 6, Ogbonna 7; Cresswell 6; Lanzini 6 (Wilshere 6), Soucek 8, Rice 8, Fornals 7 (Balbuena n/a); Bowen 8 (Yarmolenko 8), Antonio 9.

Yarmy's miss costly, but good point for gritty Irons

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West Ham 0 Chelsea 0

Will Chelsea be up for a wet Sunday afternoon in Stratford? Come to that will West Ham? It’s a midday trip on the Overground to Hackney Wick, where there’s now a grander entrance to cope with the footie crowds, complete with some strange concrete hieroglyphics last seen in Tomb of the Cybermen.

Inside the stadium Alison and Scott have forgotten their season tickets. They’ve had to queue up at the ticket office and in scenes reminiscent of Bodyguard prove their identities. Several other Hammers fans have also forgotten their tickets, including two lads in their twenties agreeing they should probably have gone to bed after their night out rather than go straight to the match. We’re joined by Fraser, Matt, Lisa and Michael the Whovian (fresh from meeting legendary Hammers fan and actor Donald Sumpter at The Prisoner), while Nigel is up in Liverpool seeking some Momentum.

There’s no Arnie and Pellegrini’s gameplan is rather Moyes-esque, with the side letting Chelsea’s defenders have the ball and sitting back with three holding midfielders. The game is also noticeable for Chelsea’s garish yellow away kit — they look like a team of lemons. Hazard shoots at Fabianski and Giroud miscues a volley, but West Ham’s system works pretty well.

With half an hour gone the Hammers suddenly look dangerous on the break. Anderson dummies to find space and releases Antonio with a fine through ball, only for Mikhail to slice wide. Then the excellent Rice intercepts and finds Yarmolenko with a good ball out wide. He runs at goal and is blocked, with the ball falling to Antonio, who fires against Kepa’s legs. Kante heads wide before the break in a late warning of Chelsea's quality.

The second half sees Yarmolenko cut inside and fizz a left-foot shot just over, while Fabianski saves Morata’s effort with his face. Antonio tries to beat Rudiger for pace but comes a definite second, rather emphasising his recent sharpness and fitness problems. He’s hooked for Perez, who this time has warmed-up.

Bizarrely a fan behind us spends most of the game swearing at Anderson for not steaming into tackles like Julian Dicks. Robert Snodgrass eventually comes on for Felipe and the chance for West Ham to win it comes as Snoddy gets in an excellent cross and the unmarked Yarmolenko seems certain to score, only to head wide of the post. Cue collective heads in hands. A shame, as making a crucial goal might have kick-started Snoddy’s Hammers career.

STICK YOUR BLUE FLAG UP YOUR … 

Mystic Matt produces a stat about how often Chelsea have scored after the 79th minute. Can the Hammers hold on for a gritty point? The crowd help with a chorus of “Stick your blue flag…” Kante forces a decent opportunity over the bar as Chelsea dominate possession with Jorginho setting a Premier League record of 180 passes. Though after a late flight back from Greece the Blues lack a cutting edge.

Substitute Barkley produces a great bending shot that Fabianski brilliantly turns round the post. The former Swansea keeper has bossed his area well today. There’s a nice ovation for Mark Noble as he goes off for Sanchez. We have a nervous four minutes of added time, which sees Willian slice wide, but Diop and co remain resolute. Mike Dean blows his whistle and it’s a fine point against a side that had won its previous five games and scored 16 goals.

Lost by the River Lea

After the match we take a very circuitous route along the River Lea to eventually find the Olympic Village and a bar called The Neighbourhood. Inside we find Gambling Dan, who has bet on every score except 0-0. Over pints of Mosaic and Goose we muse upon the impossibility of finding the perfect pub. Maybe George Orwell could help. Michael is impressed by the splash-proof urinals but not the prices, while we fear it might be too hipster for Nigel, who also rejects craft beer and Wetherspoon’s. Strange, as we happily all went along to the Central at Upton Park. Perhaps we are spoilt for choice.

Still, we enjoy a drink in the unexpected sun. After losing the first four games the pundits were suggesting we’d lose the first seven. Four points from two games is progress.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Zabaleta 7, Diop 8, Balbuena 7, Masuaku 6; Noble 7 (Sanchez 5), Rice 8, Obiang 6; Anderson 6 (Snodgrass 7), Antonio 5 (Perez 5), Yarmolenko 6.

Stick your blue flag up your…

West Ham 1 Chelsea 0

It’s into the Clyde Best Cafe at 11.30am with my daughter Nell, who has come along to bring the Hammers some needed luck. Over paninis we perform the great ticket exchange handing out tickets to Michael, Steve the Cornish postie, Nigel and CQ. Matt and Lisa are away scouting in Granada while Alison’s away with friends of Jeremy and replaced by Joe.

It’s a late dash to the stadium and a big alarm as the programmes have sold out (luckily I find a seller in the stadium at half-time.) Moyes has sent the right signal by keeping Adrian in goal, while Noble comes in for the injured Kouyate.

ARNIE IS BACK 

West Ham take the lead after six minutes when Arnautovic plays a one-two with Lanzini, skips round Christensen and calmly curls it into the bottom corner. He then leaps in to the fans earning a booking, but helping him get onside with the claret and blue faithful.

Have we just made Chelsea angry? Reid gets away with a tug in the box, Hazard volleys across goal. Adrian has to make smart saves from Kante and Zappacosta's long-range efforts and deals with a series of crosses confidently. But Arnautovic and Antonio work really hard up front and threaten on the break as Arnie is thwarted by a handball in the box the ref misses. While Arthur Messi-uaku is immense on the left, causing Chelsea’s world class defenders no end of trouble with his mazy runs. Creswell is tucking inside as a third centre back at times and plays a lot better too.

KING ARTHUR 

Indeed, the rest of the game is something of a revelation. It’s not pretty but the Hammers work tremendously hard. Obiang is immense in midfield, nothing like the poor performer against Brighton and Liverpool, while Noble isn’t far behind in terms of snapping into tackles. Reid throws himself at everything and Ogbonna is a stalwart performer too.

The crowd buy into it. Moyes seems to have discovered that part of the West Ham Way is putting in a shift and the fans respond with rousing choruses of “Come on you Irons!” Bubbles and, of course, “Stick your blue flag up your arse!”

FROM STAMFORD BRIDGE TO UPTON PARK…

I’m convinced that we’ll inevitably concede with a few minutes to go, but Chelsea’s chance goes when the possibly offside Morata fires wide. There’s a nervous five minutes of added time to endure but Nigel and CQ pass round the lucky pastilles. The super-spirited Hammers hold out to huge cheers. It’s a lovely moment for the much derided David Moyes.

Matt texts from Granada to report that they are flamenco dancing in the streets of Alhambra and having a San Miguel on Adrian. Private Fraser says he never doubted Captain Moyes for a minute, while Michael looks happier than a man who’s just penned a Marc Almond musical as he says hello and waves goodbye to the Blues.

Then it’s off to Hackney Wick and down to Christchurch with my wife Nicola for a romantic mini-break on our wedding anniversary and a full dissection of West Ham’s win. We even find a few Hammers fans on the train to Dorset. Another huge test coming up against Arsenal, but this result could change WHU’s season.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 7; Zabaleta 7, Reid 8, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 7; Obiang 8, Noble 7, Lanzini 7, Masuaku 8; Arnautovic 8 (Sakho 6), Antonio 7 (Ayew 6).

Game Hammers succumb to classy Chelsea

West Ham 1 Chelsea 2

It’s in to the Clyde Best Café for egg, chips and beans with my old schoolmate Mark and Matt and Lisa. Then there’s a rendezvous with Roz and Joe via a teeming H block to dispense Steve the Cornish Postman’s ticket. Fraser’s absent visiting his agent, threatening to dispense an Ibrahimovic-like elbow unless he publishes his western blockbuster, while Nigel’s on time and tells us he’s taken CQ on a Valentine’s date to Eastleigh v Braintree.

There’s an early scare as Andy Carroll goes down with a cut face after a clash of heads with Victor Moses, but like the Black Knight, he declares it’s just a scratch. Several Chelsea players go down but for once there’s no cry of “get up you tart!"— the very angry chap behind us has seemingly gone AWOL along with Alison and Scott.

It’s a good first half hour from West Ham. Obiang gets in some good tackles and Cresswell and Snodgrass, who is playing more as a conventional winger without Antonioin the side, get in a series of crosses aimed at Andy Carroll. But Cahill are Azpilicueta are solid and David Luiz has a brilliant game at the back, seeming to stroll through the match.

HAZARD WARNING

West Ham get a free kick that Snodgrass fires into the wall. Snoddy’s pass to Feghouli is intercepted by Kante, who releases Hazard. The revitalised Chelsea man plays a quick one-two with Pedro, beats Obiang for speed, rounds Randolph and scores a quality goal. It took eight seconds.  A bald bloke has got on the pitch and tried to attack the celebrating Hazard and Luiz, but is thankfully contained by stewards. We didn’t realise Fraser had shaved his head.

West Ham keep fighting and Lanzini fires over when well-placed. But Chelsea almost double their lead when another speedy Hazard break sees Cresswell block one goal bound shot and Randolph make a fine save from the rebound.

The game seems over after 50 minutes. A Chelsea corner flicks off Obiang’s head and Reid has let Costa get goal-side as Desperate Dan thighs it over the line. A cheap goal to give away.

“We’re gonna win the league!” chant the away fans, along with praise for big Fat Frankie Lampard and the metaphysical, "you sold your soul for this shithole!" Chelsea do look like likely champions. Kante wins everything in front of the defence and Hazard and Pedro threaten every time they break. Their three subs are Matic, Willian and Zouma, which tells you about the strength of their squad.

MANUEL'S LATE CONSOLATION

But credit to West Ham for keeping going. Andy Carroll fires over, and then Snodgrass gets in a low cross from the left and Courtois has to make a fine stop from Feghouli’s drive, and from the melee there’s an appeal for handball. Feghouli gets in another cross that Fonte heads just over. At the other end Costa draws a great save from Randolph.

Nigel and his lucky banana

Nigel wonders if it's too late to eat his lucky banana. It all looks over, only deep in added time sub Ayew finds Lanzini who finishes well in a half-deserted stadium. There’s only a minute left and you want West Ham to equalise just to prove to the part-timers that you should never leave a match before the end.

But there’s not enough time and Chelsea get their points. We’re all slightly relieved that the scoreline makes it look a closer game than it was, even if the Hammers did have 52 per cent of the possession.

So it’s a trek back to Stratford over the crowded railway bridge and into the King Edward for some Doombar. Matt dispenses copies of When Saturday Comes and Nigel reveals that he’s been to a Procol Harum gig at the RFH where singer Gary Brooker skipped off stage and fall and hurt his head, only to gamely play on in a bandage like a musical Andy Carroll. I wonder if he turned a whiter shade of pale.

It’s a game that rather sums up our season. We can’t take a big name scalp but we can beat the middle-rankers. Still, it was no disgrace to lose to the likely champions and had we pulled one back earlier we might even have had them worried. And on a positive note there was no major crowd trouble and Carroll got through 90 minutes.

PLAYER RATINGS: Randolph 7; Kouyate 5; Reid 5 (Byram 5), Fonte 5, Cresswell 6; Feghouli 6 (Ayew 5), Noble 6 (Fernandes 5), Lanzini 7, Obiang 6, Snodgrass 6; Carroll 5.