Oh what fun it is to see West Ham win away!

Arsenal 0 West Ham 2 (two)

It's off to the Library where Big Joe has secured a box, accompanied by Danny the Millwall fan and Andy the Gooner. We pass Tony Adams wearing an orange suit on the carpets outside, while inside the box there's Bud or Camden Hells on offer and a cup of tea for Joe. Our host says the curtains have to be drawn before the kick-off, which we say is often the best way to watch West Ham at the Emirates.

Then it's out on to the seats in the corner opposite the West Ham fans. We're not optimistic as the Irons are without first-choice centre backs Zouma and Aguerd. For 13 minutes it's all Arsenal attacks. But then in West Ham's first real break Emerson gets a cross in, it's headed across goal by an Arsenal defender and Jarrod Bowen plays it back across the box from right on the line. Tomas Soucek is there to prod it home and a VAR pause rules that there's no proof the whole of the ball went out of play. 

Have we just made them angry by taking the lead? It looks ominous when Paqueta goes off with a knee injury and is replaced by Benrahma. Areola makes a great one-handed save from Saka's header.Then a loose ball from Alvarez lets in Saka to shoot against the base of Areola's post. But Emerson and Coufal are managing Martinelli and Saka pretty well and Alvarez is doing a great job in front of the back four, while Bowen and Kudus offer an outlet to take off the pressure, and it's still 1-0 to the Hammers at the break. I exchange furtive messages with Agent Lola who is also among the home fans.

The second half begins with more Arsenal pressure, but on 55 minutes West Ham win a corner at our end. Ward-Prowse slings over another pinpoint delivery and there is Konstantinos Mavropanos to head home against his former club. Blimey. Have we scored the second too early though?

"WHERE'S THE W**KER WITH THE DRUM?"

A great bit of skill from Odegaard sets up White to cross, but Jesus heads over. Then Trossard fires against Areola's legs. But Dinos Mavropanos and Angelo Ogbonna, who looked so vulnerable at Anfield, are suddenly forming an impregnable back line. The whole side is working massively hard, even if I'm still worried by the fear of three late goals.

The Irons fans start to enjoy themselves as Declan Rice is misplacing passes."Two-nil down, Two-nil down, Declan Rice!" chant the away crew, along with "You should have signed for a big club!"  And then it's "Champions of Europe, we know what we are!" Plus a rousing rendition of "Where's the wanker with the drum?"

Arsenal are not going top. Benrahma makes a few decent breaks and Bowen works tremendously hard up front. With the last action of the game Declan Rice brings down Emerson for a penalty. Surely it cant be 3-0? No, it isn't, as Benrahma's penalty is a good height for Raya to save. 

So it ends with a famous 2-0 victory, our first at the Emirates since 2015, and David Moyes' first win at Arsenal in 23 attempts. Joe and myself retreat into the box for a final drink and cockney knees-up as the players salute the ecstatic away fans. A tactical masterclass from Moyes and his men. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 8; Coufal 7, Mavropanos 8, Ogbonna 7, Emerson 8; Alvarez 9, Paqueta 6 (Benrahma 7), Ward-Prowse 8, Soucek 8; Kudus 7, Bowen 8.

Oh what fun it is to see West Ham win at home

West Ham 2 Manchester United 0

The big news is that Fraser, Nigel and myself are all sporting West Ham Christmas jumpers, perhaps a case of three unwise men. Michael the Whovian is at home with Covid and his ticket has gone to my daughter Lola, whose last game was the 5-1 defeat to Newcastle. Up against an out of form United, what could possibly go wrong?

The first half is poor. Emerson has an early shot saved but both sides lack rhythm. Late on Kudus's poor back pass sees a chance created for Garnacho, who fires against Areola in a one-on-one. Antony sends over a dangerous cross. The Fonz then has a wobble as he fumbles Mainoo's tame effort wide of the post.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time in an attempt to inspire the lads. It's hard to get an atmosphere going for a 12.30pm kick-off but the West Han fans respond as the side improves in the second half. Bowen's header from a corner is athletically tipped over by Onana.

It takes a brilliant ball over the top from Paqueta to make the breakthrough on 72 minutes. Bowen runs through and fires against Onana but bobbles the ball back in after Onana gets a hand to it. West Ham are indeed massive.

It's two six minutes later when Mainoo lets the ball roll under his foot and Paqueta sends the gift through to Kudus, Mo still has two defenders in front of him but expertly fires into the corner. Then he sits on the hoardings. Matt thinks it will be a long journey back to Surrey for the Man United fans. Another plus is the clean sheet and a decent game from Mavropanos alongside Zouma. 

So it's thirty points for the Hammers and some vindication for the weakened side at Anfield. Merry Christmas, one and all!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 6, Zouma 7, Mavropanos 7 Emerson 7; Soucek 6, Paqueta 8, Alvarez 7, Ward-Prowse 6; Bowen 8 (Fornals n/a), Kudus 8 (Johnson n/a).

The quality of Mersey is not restrained

Liverpool 5 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

This was always going to be a difficult tie and an evening in front of Sky made for pretty horrible viewing. Moyes rested Paqueta, Ward-Prowse, Aguerd, Zouma, and Emerson. This was a tie WHU were always likely to lose even with a full-strength side and with Man United and Arsenal coming up there was always going to be some rotation. Though disrupting the back four so much certainly backfired.

Liverpool looked at it from the start with Jones and Elliott busy in midfield and West Ham barely putting together a forward pass. Ominously Liverpool's squad forwards are Gakpo and Nunez. The opener came when Benrahma lost possession, Johnson failed to close down and Szoboslai fired home a long-range screamer. It was a relief to be just one-goal down at the break.

The killer goal came just as Paqueta was preparing to come on. Soucek failed to track Jones and the Liverpool midfielder fired through Areola's legs. The third saw Konate get through the midfield with embarrassing ease and find Gakpo. Mavropanos tried to do one of those silly arms behind the back tackles and the ball went through his legs and into Areola's net.

There was a little hope when Johnson found Bowen with a decent chip, Jarrod cut inside Quansah and curled a great shot into the net. But it got even worse when Mavropanos advanced too far forward and Trent-Alexander played a fine through ball to Salah, who scored with ease having earlier missed the target after Nunez hit the post.

The fifth was very poor indeed with Jones slaloming through the defence and Mavropanos and Ogbonna bamboozled. 

Liverpool did play really well. But it was tough on the 5000 travelling fans and proof that a lot of our squad players aren't good enough. Fornals and Benrahma have gone backwards, Mavropanos is raw and Ogbonna and Ings look too old. Our tired squad could do without a 12.30 kick-off on Saturday. Let's hope the rotation brings a better performance against MUFC.

Wolves tamed by Kudus and Paqueta's hat-trick of assists

West Ham 3 Wolves 0

The big news at the London Stadium is that Nigel has a new lucky Christmas West Ham jumper, gifted by CQ's nephew. Fraser has passed a late fitness test, Matt and Lisa are taking in just the one game this weekend, while eventually The Gav joins us after delays en route. Having seen Peter Pan at Ilford MIchael is presumably away at another pantomime that isn't at the London Stadium.

Craig Ballon D'Orson gets a good reception from the home fans. The Irons start off with a barrage of corners testing the Wolves defence and Kudus making some great runs. The away side come into it a bit more, but it's from a Wolves corner that West Ham score. Lucas Paqueta bravely wins a header and then has the vision to play a great ball out to Mohammed Kudus. Mo has two defenders in front of him but gets inside his man to fire home a low shot. Wolves' reserve keeper Bentley should perhaps have got a stronger hand to it, but it's still a fine strike. 

Kudus and Paqueta sit on the hoardings having a chat by way of celebration, in front of the bemused Black Country away crew. "Just sold my bus to Mohammed Kudus!" suggests Fraser

The second sees Zouma intercept and find Lucas, who again plays a lovely ball up to Kudus. He outspeeds Dawson and the Wolves defence to make the finish look easy. 

Paqueta starts to do some party tricks. Cunha has an effort well saved by Fabianski, but it's nearly three when Paqueta finds Bowen who pings a shot against the inside of the post that then rolls across the goal-line. Gary O'Neil gets booked protesting after an elbow from RoboCop Coufal merits no punishment. 

After the break West Ham suffer their customary inertia. Wolves attack for a dodgy 15 minutes and think they gave pulled one back when Sarabia taps home. But after an interminable VAR delay it's ruled out for being marginally offside.

That's a warning to West Ham not to sit back. Just as Mystic Matt is saying we can't get Bowen into the game, the West Ham man plays a beautiful one-two with Paqueta and races towards the Wolves goal. Even when faced by two defenders he still manages to find the far corner. Three-nil to the Cockney Boys and three assists for Paqueta.

There's still time for Ward-Prowse to send a free kick just past the post as I wonder if "Just sold my house to James Ward-Prowse!" might take off as a chant. Lisa leaves ten minutes early to get to work and misses not-very-exciting cameos from Ings and Mubama as Moyes sees the game out. A welcome change to beat someone comfortably at home and even keep a clean sheet. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 6 (Kehrer n/a), Zouma 6, Aguerd 6, Emerson 7; Alvarez 7 (Fornals 5), Soucek 6, Paqueta 9 (Mubama n/a), Ward-Prowse 7; Bowen 8, Kudus 8 (Ings n/a).

We're top of the mini-league!

West Ham 2 SC Freiburg 0 (Europa League)

It's down to the diehards at the London Stadium. Matt and Lisa have returned from Paris, I've made it from a mini-break in Edinburgh and Big Sam is present despite staying up all night at a party after some clay-pigeon shooting, as young folk do. Fraser is unwell, Nigel is AWOL on a mysterious visit to Felixstowe and Michael is probably mingling with the great and good.

Moyes has sensibly given our exhausted squad two days off, though the side also seemed to take the afternoon off at Fulham. The side looks refreshed tonight and Paqueta, who has been carrying an injury according to the Evening Standard, and Kudus in particular look in the mood.

Kudus breaks down tHe left and pulls the ball back for Paqueta to whack a thunderous shot against the bar. The Hammers take the lead when Alvarez, who was badly missed at Fulham, plays a fine ball over the Freiburg defence for Kudus to control and calmly slip past Atubolu.

Bowen has a goal disallowed, correctly, for offside, but it's soon two. Alvarez plays a delightful one-two with Bowen and gets forward to fire home It's Edson's first goal for the Hammers and proof he is more than just a defensive enforcer.

We've played so well we don't even need Nigel's lucky banana at half-time. The second half sees Paqueta set up Emerson for a shot that is blocked by the keeper, Coufal plays in a great cross that Bowen nudges over when he should score, and Kudus fire just wide of the post. West Ham are massive, apparently

The game peters out as Moyes starts to rest players. We wonder if he's been at the Christmas sherry when he brings on two strikers in Ings and Mubama. Fabianski has to make good saves from Rohl and Doan late on, but generally the Irons do a professional job in seeing the game out. Credit to the Freiburg fans too for some epic bouncing and swaying and creating a lot of noise.

Matt, Lisa and myself head off on the Overground where we meet Big Joe. Then we head from Highbury and Islington to the House of Hammerton on Holloway Road to enjoy a late-night sampling of Tint Nitro Stout and assorted fruity beers.

An important result as it means West Ham avoid two extra play-off games against Champions League drop-outs and go straight into the next round by winning the group. Topping our groups three seasons running is a big achievement for Moyes and a much-needed tonic after the Fulham debacle. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 7 (Kehrer n/a), Mavropanos 6, Aguerd 6, Emerson 7; Soucek 6, Alvarez 8 (Fornals 6), Paqueta 7 (Mubama 5), Ward-Prowse 7; Kudus 8 (Cornet n/a), Bowen 7 (Ings 5).

There's only one F in Fulham

Fulham 5 West Ham 0 

Luckily I was away in Edinburgh for this one. Clearly the Spurs win took a lot of energy from the players and the side never looked at it for this. A Ward-Prowse free kick saved and a Bowen shot early doors promised better. But once the defence sat too deep and allowed Jimenez to score with a header it was all over. Only Harry Wilson's goal was a great effort, the rest saw some pretty horrific defending. The fifth was a simple ball over the top and Sunday league stuff. 

Benrahma had one decent effort at the keeper late on, but it was a dismal day all round.The ill Alvarez was badly missed and the five extra games in Europe seem to have left the players exhausted. This was a game too far and we require much better against Freiburg on Thursday. Nurse, the screens.

It's happened again...

Tottenham Hotspur 1 West Ham 2 

The Number 8 pub is heaving with Spurs fans before the game where we drink N17 and have to listen to choruses of "When the Spurs go marching in." 

Agents Nigel and myself are among the Spurs fans behind the goal thanks to Nigel's mate Andy, both having had to borrow non-claret hats from our wives. Though Nigel is wearing his lucky West Ham socks.

It's my first visit to Spurs new stadium, which is indeed impressive, though it could do with a running track. Fabianski is in for the injured Areola and Zouma is back for the Hammers. Matt and Lisa are in Marseille on a mini-break and watching Match of Ze Day in the British Lounge Pub.

The first half is one-way traffic as Spurs' free-flowing football puts West Ham under endless pressure. After 11 minutes Romero gets between two defenders to score with a looping header from a corner. It looks like being a long evening. Johnson is causing problems for Coufal, though from our position we get to appreciate the work Alvarez does intercepting danger and shielding the defence. 

Fabianski has to tip over a rasping shot from Lo Celso and then Zouma turns Johnson's cross on to the outside of his post. Johnson fires rather tamely at Fabianski when through on the left but Spurs don't really create that many clear-cut chances

There's a brief flurry from West Ham before the break as Kudus gets in a great cross that Paqueta, in lots of space, heads wide of the post. In the concourse we anticipate a miserable walk back along Tottenham High Road after the game though Andy says that at one-nil anything could still happen.

West Ham start the second half with much more intensity coming forward. Seven minutes into the half Bowen does well to shield the ball from two defenders and find Kudus. Mo's shot ricochets off two defenders and into the path of Bowen who has run into the box. Jarrod lifts it past the keeper and runs to the joyous away fans. Nigel has to restrain himself in our Spurs seats. That was the bit of luck we needed. 

"Champions of Europe, you'll never sing that!" sing the West Ham fans."F**king West Ham muppets with their Johnstone Paint trophy!" mutters the Spurs fan behind me.

At 1-1 Spurs sub Richarlison heads a good chance wide and Porro forces a good save from Fabianski. But Moyes' rope-a-dope tactics pay off. Spurs look to have punched themselves out and there are spaces behind Spurs high-line defence. A good passing move ends with Paqueta shooting rather tamely at the keeper.

On 74 minutes Udogie plays a blind back-pass to Vicario. Bowen has anticipated it and the keeper can only punch out to James Ward-Prowse. His first shot hits the post but James follows up for a tap-in as the offside Bowen runs out of the way. Prowsey runs to the away fans and does his golf shot celebration. Blimey. It's Cavaliers 1 Roundheads 2. It's all gone very Spursy indeed.

"It's happened again!" announce the gleeful Irons fans. There's a nervy 20 minutes to get through but the five subs Postecoglou throws on make little difference, On 89 minutes West Ham force a corner and Vicario has to claw Soucek's header off the line. Extra time is tense as VAR checks for a possible Zouma handball but that's Spurs only real chance. There seems to be a fire drill to judge by the empty seats around us. 

The lads dig in for a great smash and grab away win. There's dancing in the pubs of Marseille. Nigel even predicts that we're staying up. And it's a much happier walk along Tottenham High Road in the wet than we anticipated. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 6. Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6; Alvarez 7, Ward-Prowse 8, Soucek 6, Paqueta 6; Kudus 7 (Fornals n/a), Bowen 8.

Kurt robbed

So that's why Kurt Zouma missed the Palace game. Sympathy to Kurt and his family who were burgled at midnight while they were at home in an incident straight out of The Sweeney. David Sullivan and the club have put up a reward of £25k for information leading to the gang's arrest. And the tea-leaves arguably cost West Ham two points by ensuring Zouma stayed at home. Which is another good reason for dobbing them in.  

Dinos error gifts point to Palace

West Ham 1 Crystal Palace 1

In the London Stadium Fraser has returned from Berlin, where he's been re-creating the creative highs of David Bowie, Iggy Pop and Lou Reed, before returning home to see a Bon Jovi tribute band, as you do. Matt, Lisa and Nigel have been to the even more exotic destination of Burnley, while with Michael absent attending to his folios, we're joined by Big Sam.

After applause for El Tel the game begins. West Ham start slowly but take the lead on 13 minutes with a quality goal. Ward-Prowse sweeps the ball out wide to Coufal, who pulls back for Kudus to shoot home, with the aid of a slight deflection.

But as ever WHU struggle to get the second against Palace and the Eagles threaten at times. They go very close when Andersen's free-kick is deflected just past the post. Kudus and Coufal both have great games, having been rested in midweek, but the rest of the side look weary, with Bowen not quite match-fit. Paqueta infuriates the normally phlegmatic Nigel by showboating and attempting an Ernie-Hunt style donkey kick on the touchline (that's one for the older readers).

After the break it seems West Ham have scored a second as Kudus' cross drifts past Johnstone, only for Tomas Soucek to be adjudged to have been interfering with the keeper's line of vision. 

Almost inevitably Palace come back into it. Paqueta gives away a free kick and Edouard almost heads in from it, thwarted by a block from Ward-Prowse. Then Dinos Mavropanos woefully underhits his back pass to Alvarez rather than play the ball forward. Edouard intervenes, rounds Alvarez and strikes it into the corner. The Palace fans start bouncing and singing "you sold your soul for this shithole!", which isn't very original. 

The home crowd get frustrated as Moyes refuses to bring on any subs. For the first time in recorded history Matt asks for Comet to come on. In desperate circumstances, Nigel eats his lucky banana.

To be fair the Hammers do have a go late on. Mavropanos heads wide from a corner and Kudus causes problems with his mazy dribbling. A superb pass from Paqueta sees Emerson volley over when a forward might have scored.

Moyes waits until the 89th minute to bring on Fornals, much to the chagrin of the Vicar's Son. West Ham almost get another late winner as Ward-Prowse plays in a fine cross which no-one has anticipated. The ball falls to Fornals on the left who crosses for Bowen to head straight into the arms of Johnstone. 

The rain pours down after a poor match as we head to the Eagle. To be slightly positive we might have lost this game last season. At least there is warmth and East London Pale Ale inside, where we're joined by Nigel's Palace-supporting mate, who is sporting a classic 1970s Palace shirt as worn by Don Rogers. We have a good chat about the Mullery versus Venables rivalry between Brighton and Palace and the so-called "team of the Eighties", who actually weren't.

So all we have to do is win at Spurs on Thursday and two points dropped here won't seem so bad. What could possibly go wrong?

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Coufal 8, Mavropanos 5, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6;  Soucek 6, Alvarez 6 (Fornals n/a), Ward-Prowse 6, Paqueta 6; Kudus 8, Bowen 5.

Soucek strikes late again in Backa beyond

TSC Backa Topola 0 West Ham 1 (Europa League)

It's a long trip to Serbia for the lads and another night in front of TNT for me. The first half is poor with West Ham in third gear and missing the absent Bowen, Antonio, Kudus, Alvarez, Zouma and Emerson. Benrahma does manage to send a tame shot at the keeper and at the other end Backa can't score even when Cresswell plays a pass straight to the opposition. At least Dinos Mavropanos has a decent game at the back, but we look laboured. 

The second half sees West Ham continue to struggle to break down the home side. Benrahma has one of his frustrating games, Paqueta doesn't get going, Fornals is peripheral and young Divin Mubama works hard up front with little service.

In an effort to inspire more urgency Moyes brings on Cornet, Ings, Emerson and Kehrer. West Ham win a series of corners and free kicks, but it looks like being a bore draw. That's until the 88th minute when Maxwel Cornet, wide on the right cuts inside on to his left foot to send over a great cross that Tomas Soucek volleys home at the back stick. 

Tomas has now scored three late winners in a row (plus two goals for the Czech Republic) and does his customary twirl towards the away fans. it was a good moment for Cornet too, particularly as my pal Matt is probably dining on his West Ham bobble hat after Maxi got an assist.

So West Ham go top and just have to draw against Freiburg to win the group. Not a great performance but it's not easy winning with squad players either. And that's five wins out of the last six games - Moyesball is certainly getting results and the players keep going to the end. Irons!