West Ham go Caracas as Portobello Pirlo departs

West Ham have signed 22-year-old Venezuelan winger Keiber Lamadrid on loan from Venezuelan Super Cup winners Deportivo La Guaira. He’s the first Venezuelan to play for West Ham so we have to hope Donald Trump doesn’t send in a snatch squad in a bid to challenge the international rules-based transfer system. The lad comes from Caracas, so please insert your own joke here.

It’s a strange signing as the Venezuelan winger finished his season in December and is still in pre-season, so Nuno admits he’s not ready to play yet. We have to hope he’s the real Lamadrid, though this has the hallmarks of a David Sullivan gift to the manager. It’s still unclear who makes the transfer decisions at West Ham now Kyle Macauley has left; it seems to be a combination of Nuno, David Sullivan and whichever agent is in favour. More efficient recruiters like Brighton, Bournemouth and Brentford have a process in place.

Meanwhile the Portobello Pirlo Andy Irving has departed for Sparta Prague for a rumoured £1.5 million. The mysterious Scot become something of a cult as he seemed to arrive from nowhere. Andy was a decent passer and not a bad crosser. He had a fairly good game at Chelsea when Graham Potter selected him as a starter last season, but he never recovered from Nuno’s decision to pair him with Soucek in midfield for the defeats against Brentford and Leeds. Irving just wasn’t mobile or fast enough for the central midfield positions. Still, he always did his best as a sub, though West Ham should be signing players who can make a difference, not ok squad players for the bench. But having said that, good luck in Prague Andy.

Now let’s see what happens with the pursuit of a central defender before the window closes.

Diouf is on for the treble

Congratulations to El Hadji Malick Diouf on winning the African Cup of Nations with Senegal. Not much happened in the final apart from a disallowed Senegal goal, a penalty harshly given against Diouf causing the Senegal team to walk off the pitch, a terrible Panenka penalty, a brilliant extra-time winner and Nayef Aguerd heading against the bar.

That win should boost El Hadji's confidence and as my fellow season-ticket holder Big Sam points out, he's now on for the treble: The Betway Cup, African Cup of Nations and FA Cup, assuming our chances don't go for a Burton. It doesn't get better than that.

Tottenham Hotspur: It's happened again!

Tottenham 1 West Ham 2 (two)

It's another nervous afternoon listening to El Sackico on Radio 5. Nuno plays two up top in an attacking line-up and Paqueta is still absent with a back problem and a does of transferitis. 

Tel volleys over for Spurs early on but West Ham start to create chances on the break. A cross from Wan-Bissaka is headed back by Jimmy Summerville to Castellanos, who is unlucky with a volley just over the bar.

Astonishingly West Ham take the lead after 15 minutes. Bowen is clattered by Davies but the ref waves play on and a nice move sees Castellanos, Pablo, and Fernandes feed Summerville on the edge of the box. He cuts inside a couple of defenders and sees his shot deflect past Vicario off a Spurs leg. The winger runs to celebrate with Nuno. That's two in two for Jimmy and he's starting to look confident again. If you don't shoot you don't score.

Areola has to spread himself to make a fine double save from Odobert and Tel but West Ham don't sit back. Bowen breaks and instead of shooting passes to Pablo who miscontrols the ball. The Greek Bloke flicks on a corner and Taty heads over the bar when he should score.

West Ham are everything they were not at Wolves. Todibo is fast at the back, we're competing for tackles and Summerville is doing a great job bringing the side forward at speed. From a free kick Soucek heads across the box to the Greek Bloke whose goalbound header is clawed away by Vicario.

It's the hope I can't take is my thought at half-time as Spurs are booed off. Romero makes a great tackle to deny Summerville and after that Spurs improve. Areola has to tip over from sub Bissouma. Porro swings over a very inviting cross and Romero gets ahead of AWB to power home a header. As ever WHU can't keep a lead.

This is surely where West Ham crumble at the end. There's a ridiculous VAR scare as the ball brushes Scarles' fingertips, but it is sensibly overruled. On 89 minutes Areola has to make a smart save to turn away a drive from Simons.

IT ALL GOES SPURSY

Nuno brings on Callum Wilson after 91 minutes. AWB crosses and with his first touch Callum fires in a shot that is blocked for a corner in the 93rd minute. It's a congested six-yard area as Soucek and the Greek Bloke cause a bit of chaos, Vicario tries and fails to hail a taxi and Wilson pokes over the line from close range. The West Ham end goes barmy and not even VAR can deny us. Blimey. We're winning away. And we surely need to keep Wilson as he's a natural goal-poacher, it would be folly to let him go to a relegation rival.

Both sets of fans join in a chorus of, "You're getting sacked in the morning!" as Thomas Frank looks stunned. Dr Tottenham has done it again. On WhatsApp Matt and Lisa are claiming the victory as a reward for their honesty returning an expensive iPhone to its owner after finding it near Highgate Wood.

We're still in deep trouble but this is West Ham's first win in 11 league matches and gives us some hope. Encouragingly this smelt like team spirit. Irons!

Should West Ham cash in on Paqueta?

Jacob Steinberg in the Guardian claims that Lucas Paqueta asked not to play against QPR after interest from Flamengo in Brazil who have made a bid of around £30m. We all know that he's going to be leaving in the summer, but it now seems that he's trying to force an exit and wants to return to Brazil. Though today's Guardian claims that Paqueta's people are trying to persuade him to move to Chelsea where he'd surely be lost in their gargantuan squad.

Should West Ham cash in on an unhappy player? Paqueta's behaviour has certainly become tiresome with his self-indulgent red card against Liverpool, while no professional should ever refuse to play. Yes the FA put him under massive pressure with those gambling charges but that's gone now and he owes West Ham for sticking with an out-of-form player.

On the other hand Paqueta is a player who can make a difference. Would selling him prove that West Ham have given up on survival? Nuno clearly rates Paqueta and massaged his fragile ego by bringing him straight back into the side after his red card suspension. His record of four goals and one assist this season is ok but not great, though he's playing in a poor side and if he'd had a fast striker to feed he might have created a lot more. 

Lucas certainly had great games in the wins against Forest and Newcastle and was impressive in the away draw at Brighton. Yet he can also be a liability in defensive areas. His game against Brighton at home included an assist, giving away a penalty and then scoring a penalty which rather sums up his season. We certainly missed his passing at Wolves.

Much will depend on Nuno's man-management. He's only asking Paqueta to wait for five months. He should be challenging Lucas to be remembered as the player who created the winning Europa Conference League goal and then stayed to try and keep us up rather than scarpering halfway through the season and leaving in the style of Dimitri Payet. Though if he's determined to go WHU have to line up a replacement and quickly.

Taty bye to QPR

West Ham 2 QPR 1 (FA Cup)

In the Best Meze Cafe it's a solid turnout of Matt, Lisa, Nigel and Big Sam, though the breakfast menu is off but the chips arrive fairly quickly. Matt is full of interesting information, including the fact that Mott the Hoople once recorded a song called Waterlow about Waterlow Park, not to be confused with the Kinks' Waterlow Sunset. He then goes down a Wikipedia rabbit hole, researching Scott the Hoople, who is in fact Scott McCaughey, a guitarist who once played with REM.

Meanwhile Nigel is noting that the Eagles' Joe Walsh is in goal for QPR, up against our Desperardo attack. We wonder if in The Long Run and perhaps if Hell Freezes Over we might even win. 

I'm hoping the game doesn't go to extra time as my wife has purchased me a ticket to see Tony 'Baldrick' Robinson at the Park Theatre at 5pm, without realising the date of this game had changed. Baldrick's current cunning plan for West Ham is seemingly to lose all our games and lull our opponents into a false sense of security.

In the stadium the noisy QPR fans have a whole end and seem to think they are by far the greatest team the world has ever seen, which might be news to Real Madrid and Barcelona.

Ezra Mayers makes his debut at left wing-back and AWB returns, with Castellanos up front and Paqueta rested amid transfer rumours of a return to Brazil. Nigel's literary cry of "Go on Ezra Pound!" might be lost on younger fans, but young Ezra looks promising, showing a good turn of pace in a poor game. 

Not much happens in the first half until the lively Jimmy Summerville cuts inside to unleash a shot that Walsh does really well to tip over. The Greek Bloke goes down with injury following a corner and has to be stretchered off. Let's hope it's not as serious as it looked for Dinos. Pablo replaces him.

West Ham get the fillip we need in added time. Pablo does well to shrug off Cook and play the ball to Magassa. The midfielder, who has had a mixed half, feeds Summerville who wallops home from a tight angle.

But as ever WHU seem to fade after the break. Kone causes Todibo problems and forces a save from Hermansen. The equaliser comes after a hasty clearance is fired back in by Dembele and Kone gets in front of Wan-Bissaka to head home.

"We'll see you all next year!" chant the Rangers fans, along with some ribald comments on the architectural merits of the London Stadium. West Ham improve after the goal with Soucek replacing Magassa. Summerville has a really positive game and Castellanos tests Walsh with a long-range effort.

WE'RE WINNING AT HOME!

But the game ends at 1-1 and I'm forced to miss the added 30 minutes in favour of Tony Robinson and the Full Time Team. At least the proper fans are there to see Soucek force a save from Walsh and Summerville go close. In the 98th minute Summerville produces a Cruyff-like turn to send the QPR full-back racing towards Hackney Wick. Jimmy jinks in a fine cross and Castellanos is there to head home a poacher's goal. Could the Irons finally have found a striker? To  channel Ken Dodd, it's Taty bye to QPR.

The Hammers see the game out and after ten winless matches we'll take any form of victory. This might be an important turning point for Crysencio Summerville too, since he's got a goal and an assist to finally produce some end product from his runs. The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff remains on. Now let's get a result at Spurs.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Wan-Bissaka 6 (Walker-Peters 5), Kilman 5, Todibo 6, Mavropanos 6 (Pablo 6), Mayers 7 (Scarles 5); Magassa 6 (Soucek 6), Potts 6; Summerville 8, Bowen 6, Castellanos 7 (Rodriguez n/a). 

Robbed by VAR as unlucky Hammers lose again

West Ham 1 Notts  Forest 2 

It's a dash from daughter Nell's MA graduation to this six-pointer, where in the cold night air we learn that Wilson isn't in the squad after reports he wants to leave and Taty makes his debut. Todibo and Paqueta return too. I'm joined by Nigel and CQ, Matt and Lisa, and Michael in his Darts red shirt (the band not Luke Littler).

There are big gaps of white seats after the Wolves debacle with many fans having given up. But without the tourists and fainthearts it's the noisiest atmosphere of the season. West Ham start with much more intensity than the pathetic display at Wolves. New signing Taty Castellanos is busy chasing everything up front, Soucek is adding some height to our tiny side, Summerville gets an early shot away and we're getting some tackles in. 

Areola makes a fantastic save to tip over Nico Williams' drive early on. But it's the Hammers who make the early breakthrough. Summerville's inswinging corner is flicked on by Soucek and goes in off the head of Murillo. We're in the lead. What could possibly go wrong? 

Forest are restricted to long-range efforts but are unlucky when Hudson-Odoi hits the bar with a great strike. But generally it's been a good half with the returning Todibo dominant, Fernandes busy in front of the back four and Paqueta knitting things together.

After the break Bowen makes a good burst through but can't keep his shot down. It looks like 2-0 when Walker-Peters' shot deflects off a defender into the path of Jimmy Summerville, who fires home a great strike. That will do his confidence good. But then VAR intervenes and ref Tony Harrington is sent to the screen. Of course he disallows it for a marginal offside against Castellanos. This was way back in the move before a cross and blocked shot and we think of Rutter's Brighton's goal that was allowed at the Amex despite a handball as it was judged to be a new phase of play. 

That's the story of our season. Moments later Forest force a corner, Dominguez beats Castellanos to send a back header looping over Walker-Peters on the line and into the net. "If we don't win this we've gone," says a mournful Michael.

VAR TROUBLE

The referee earns chants of "You don't know what you're' doing!" after he waves play on as Summerville is blatantly fouled by Anderson on the edge of the Forest box. West Ham give it a go. Walker-Peters is played in by sub Pablo to send a low low drive at Sels, with Castellanos' follow-up also being saved. Scarles is starting to lunge-in at left back and Nuno replaces him with Mayers, while Paqueta goes off early due to his back injury.

Mayers plays a fine ball through to Bowen, who hesitates a fraction too long allowing Murillo to get in a block. Five minutes from the end Forest send in a free kick. Areola comes for the ball and misses, rushing into Todibo and Gibbs-White as Soucek heads it away. No-one appeals and the ref plays on, only for sodding VAR to intervene again. Areola's glove has touched Gibbs-White's face and the ref is sent to the monitor again to review and award a penalty. It's a contact game and it's hard to see how Areola could have slowed his momentum.

Areola then earns the ire of Matt by diving when he's often getting beaten by penalties straight down the middle. Sure enough Gibbs-White sends it straight down the middle to send the Forest fans into elation. It's worse when we've played well. Nothing has gone for WHU tonight and it's one point from four winnable games.

At least Ye Olde Black Bull is warm. "There won't be a book in this season," muses Nigel, before pondering the positives of hosting Lincoln and Stevenage, should they go up. At least he's got a heavy metal supergroup to look forward to seeing featuring members of the likes of Angelwitch. The Vicar's Son is staying positive too, as his mum doesn't take down the Christmas decorations until February 2, meaning we can't come down with them until then. Lisa says she quite fancies a mini-break in Bolton. And we'll get more games in the Championship. This is now in Great Escape territory and it doesn't feel like it will happen.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Walker-Peters 7, Mavropanos 6, Todibo 7, Scarles 5 (Mayers 6); Soucek 7, Fernandes 7 (Potts n/a), Paqueta 6 (Pablo 6), Summerville 7, Bowen 6, Castellanos 6.

We're going down with the Wanderers

Wolves 3 West Ham 0

Hope lasts for three minutes while listening to this on Radio London. Potts has a decent shout for a penalty turned down before Wolves score with their first attack. Magassa lunges in, misses the ball and Mane is away. Walker-Peters is upfield and Hwang Hee-Chan is given too much space by Mavropanos to cross. Fernandes hasn't tracked Arias, who scores with ease.

It's two when Magassa and Potts lose out in midfield again, Mavropanos makes a weak clearance and Magassa catches Mane and it's a penalty. Hwang Hee-Chan duly dispatches it. Only a brilliant save with his foot from Areola denies Arokadare a third.

West Ham are being outfought all over the pitch and the third arrives when Mane gets the wrong side of Magassa, Mavropanos turns his back on the ball and the impressive Mane shoots home a powerful drive for his first Wolves goal.

"We're gonna win the league!" chant the home fans. Then it's "You're going down with the Wanderers!" and "You're nothing special we'll see you next year."

So 3-0 down at half-time to a side that hasn't won all season. There's been a real lack of leadership and desire. Nuno hooks the disappointing Magassa and Potts, bringing on Soucek and Mayers and changing to a back five.

“OMG are we even on the pitch?” asks Lisa on WhatsApp. We’re masking Wolves look like Real Madrid. Nigel thinks we might finish 20th and Nigel’s Wolves-supporting mate Adrian will now surely be breaking any Dry January vows.

Bowen tries an overhead kick from Summerville's cross and that's about it for the second half. Wolves settle for 3-0 though Areola still has to make a couple of decent saves. Wilson stays on all game rather than give Pablo a go and West Ham never look like pulling a goal back and making a game of it.

Nuno looks stunned at the end, apologises and describes the defeat as "embarrassing" and cites a "lack of effort, discipline organisation, responsibility." How could we not have been up for this? The game seemed too much for youngsters Magassa, Potts, Fernandes and Scarles, while Bowen, whom we all love, is too far up the pitch to be an effective captain. The late Billy Bonds would have been grabbing people by the collar demanding a reaction. 

The absence of Paqueta, Todibo, Wan-Bissaka and Diouf is slight mitigation and two new strikers might help, but there's no excuse for the attitude and performance here. If we can't get a result in games like this then the Irons are going down.

Striker light! Hammers sign two up top

You wait all season for one striker and then two turn up at once. Not sure this signing strikers thing will catch on, but such is West Ham's plight that the board has been prompted to act early in the window. Pablo Felipe has arrived for £22 million from Gil Vicente in Portugal. Interestingly his dad Pena is from Brazil and played with Nuno Espirito Santo at Porto, so the gaffer should know a bit about his family background and character. 

The 22-year-old Pablo grew up in Portugal and then Brazil, so has plenty of football culture to fall back on, as well as an impressive beard. It will take time to adapt to the Premier League but the striker has scored ten goals this season and is by all accounts decent at holding the ball up, essential for a counter-attacking side. He might even get some game time at Wolves.

The Irons are also signing Valentin "Taty" Castellanos from Lazio for £25 million. The Argentine forward scored ten times in Serie A last season and twice after returning from injury this time out so let's see what he can do. There's a lot of activity with Fulham's Adama Traore set to be re-united with Nuno and interest in Toulouse's Charlie Cresswell, who might have the leadership qualities and aerial dominance we need at the back.

Meanwhile Niclas Fullkrug has been loaned to AC Milan where he can be "very angry" with an option to sign at the end of the season, and another Steidten folly Luis Gulilherme is set to sign for Sporting Lisbon. If we can get the reported £16 million for Luis that's good business for a player who has done very little in the Premier League since signing.

James Ward-Prowse will also surely depart. I'm not sure what Nuno has against him but he's been treated pretty unfairly. Ward-Prowse is a solid pro who never complains and doesn't get injured. He can take a great corner and even if too slow for central midfield surely deserved a place on the bench rather than being excluded from the squad entirely. 

But overall you've got to say this looks like progress. Now all we have to do is beat a team that hasn't won for 19 games. What could possibly go wrong?