Summerville strikes to boost hopes of great escape

Fulham 0 West Ham 1

Pre-match it's to the River Cafe opposite Putney Bridge tube for eggs, chips and beans. It's a politer version of the Best Cafe only they get the orders right. Then it's on to the Temperance to meet Nigel, Tom and Dan, who have blagged some seats from a Fulham-supporting bank executive. They're drinking beer rather than white wine, which gets odd looks in Fulham. Nigel's rather excited because the Temperance is where his wife CQ's parents first met. We then walk by the Thames, which is almost as good as the River Lea, past Bishop's Palace to the lights of Craven Cottage. 

I'm joined in the Putney End, next to the West Ham fans, by Matt and Lisa, arriving after eating cake at the Marie Antionette exhibition at the V&A and wondering if WHU can escape the chop. We also find Big Joe among the home fans, fresh from a walloping at Anfield where he was searched for red cards and anti-board material. Well, he does have form for taking a copy of Granta to Sunderland.

It's a relief that Harry Wilson is out for the home side, while Callum Wilson plays alongside Taty for WHU and Todibo comes in for Mavropanos. It's a good start from the Hammers as Castellanos tests Leno in the first minute. A West Ham corner sees a VAR check against Iwobi for handball. We're only a few rows from the front and get to really feel the speed of the game. Meanwhile the West Ham fans amuse themselves with some not-very-printable songs.

Just before the break the already booked Fernandes is adjudged to have fouled King just outside the box. The crowd demand a second yellow even though Fernandes seemed to get some of the ball. Luckily the free kick goes straight into the wall. Hermansen then has to make a fine stop with his foot to deny King.

The Hammers start the second half with real intent on the break. Tomas Soucek gets in a header from a corner which Leno tips on to the top of the bar. Then Bowen turns to get a low shot away which the keeper tips round the post. 

It looks to be going very wrong as referee Matthew Donohoe awards a penalty to Fulham when Taty tangles with Cairney. But VAR intervenes and correctly rules that Cairney's foot has kicked Castellanos. Next Summerville sends in an inviting cross that Wilson and Soucek somehow fail to get on the end of. Magassa then comes on for Callum Wilson.

The breakthrough comes on 65 minutes and owes everything to Bowen's hard work. He chases a long ball, Leno comes out to play the ball to Bassey only Bowen nips in to pass to Summerville, who swerves past his man and calmly bends his finish round the last defender to spark mayhem in the away section.

"Oh Jimmy Jimmy, Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Summerville!" chant the Irons fans, which must be a bit confusing to a young Dutch bloke not familiar with 1980s icons or the oeuvre of Bronski Beat and the Communards.

WE'RE COMIMG FOR YOU!

Time goes very slowly for the rest of the match. A couple of brave 15-year-olds in front of us beckon the West Ham fans to come and have a go if they think they're hard enough. Fulham make lots of subs as they pressure West Ham's box. Disasi and Todibo are both really solid at the back and the collective desire to get a result looks much better.

In the 87th minute Castagne's low drive looks destined for the back of the net until Mads Hermansen makes a match-winning save. The ref finds ten minutes of added-time and we all fear the inevitable late equaliser. There's a late scare as Hermansen drops a cross but for once we hold out for a massive three points. 

"Tottenham Hotspur we're coming for you!" chants the delirious away end as the players come over to celebrate.Team spirit looks good judging by the players' body language as Jimmy finishes his interview and punches the air. We head to the Crabtree pub accompanied by the Ludo Miklosko song. Some of the Fulham fans are so upset that that they are a bit sharp with their butlers and chauffeurs.

For 14 minutes we've been out of the bottom three until Forest equalised at Man City. But we're now level on points with Forest, three behind Leeds and one point behind crisis club Spurs. 

At the Crabtree there's a cameo from DC before we drink Hepcat and Peroni and ponder the league table. Matt is so excited he orders a ten-year-old Jura whisky in honour of George Orwell as the Fulham fans drink red rather than white wine. Then it's down Fulham Palace Road to Hammersmith after a successful mission in west London. This victory gives us real hope of survival. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 8; Wan-Bissaka 7, Disasi 8, Todibo 8 (Mavropanos n/a) Diouf 7; Bowen 7, Soucek 7, Fernandes 7 (Kante n/a),  Summerville 9; Wilson 5 (Magassa 6), Castellanos 7 (Traore n/a).

Debt in the afternoon

So West Ham have announced a loss of £104.2 million for the past financial year. The club is paying the price for the money splurged on unsuccessful signings like Fullkrug, Guilherme and Kilman, plus paying for the sackings of Julen Lopetegui and Graham Potter and recruitment gurus Tim Steidten and Kyle Macaulay. Turnover is down by £42.1 million with no European football or cup runs and a poor league finish. 

It's all a long way from a world class team in a world class stadium, with letting David Moyes go seem even more of an unforced error. Another big worry is that the club took out a £124m five-year loan from Rights and Media Finding Limited, which is costing a lot in interest. It would be interesting to hear Karren Brady explaining these results to Lord Sugar in the boardroom.

We're also threatened with a fire sale. The accounts state that players will have to be sold in the summer and even more go if we get relegated: "In the event the severe but plausible scenario occurs, the Group is also forecasting a liquidity shortfall in summer 2026 to a greater severity. Accordingly, more significant mitigating actions would be required such as further player disposals to generate transfer fee income and wage savings, or additional funding from the shareholders, or a combination thereof."

To be positive there are some players West Ham can sell. Niclas Fullkrug, Edson Alvarez, James Ward-Prowse and the out of favour Max Kilman would all get some money in, albeit much less than we paid for them, perhaps £30million for the lot. The sale of Paqueta might have helped a little. That would leave a lot of money still required from the board though, and it doesn't seem like David Sullivan will put anything more in and nor will Daniel Kretinsky, who owns 27 per cent of the club. The alternative to the owners injecting cash is selling off Bowen, Summerville, Fernandes, Wan-Bissaka and co.

Meanwhile there are rumours Karren Brady is set to leave. The club desperately needs new and ambitious owners who can refinance the club and buy the stadium in order to reconfigure it. It's hard to disagree with George Simms who writes in the Observer: "You have to question what David Sullivan gets out of maintaining control of West Ham: loathed by fans and unwilling to change. This is now a solely selfish pursuit, damaging to a beloved club to soothe his ego. If Brady does leave, he will be the sole face of a failing institution, knowing deep down he has failed it."

The quality of Mersey is not restrained

Liverpool 5 West Ham 2

The day gets off to a bad start with the news that West Have announced a £104m loss for the last financial year and will have to sell players in the summer. Then WHU have to play at a ground where we have only won once since 1963.

Not conceding after five minutes would be a good start. But from a Liverpool corner West Ham win two headers only for Gravenberch to find Etikike with a clever pass. Castellanos has got upfield too quickly and the Liverpool striker fires through the legs of the Greek Bloke to beat Hermansen at his near post. 

West Ham respond by winning a corner and from the resulting melee the Greek Bloke fires over when well-placed in front of goal. It's two for the home side when a corner is headed in by Van Dijk who has out-muscled Magassa. Aaron Wan-Bissaka has moved away from his post, when had he stayed he could have cleared.

The Irons have a good spell after that as Liverpool look vulnerable to quick breaks. Bowen is taken by surprise when Alisson plays the ball straight to him and can only scuff it back at the keeper. Another pass straight to Bowen results in Jimmy Summerville having an effort superbly blocked by Konate. Bowen and Soucek then almost produce a copy of Tom's goal against Man United, with Soucek's flick being parried at close-range by Alisson.

But against the run of play Liverpool score a third. The Greek Bloke makes a good block to concede a corner. Again it's headed clear but Ekitike plays it first time to Mac Allister who hits it on the volley to score with a great finish. The ball takes a nick off AWB's head to beat Hermansen. We'd take a draw at this point.

The second half starts with renewed hope as Soucek sweeps home a fine low cross from Diouf. Gakpo misses a good chance and a long-range drive from Fernandes extends Alisson. But the Reds score a fourth as Wan-Bisakka allows Gakpo to turn inside. The striker shoots through AWB's legs, with the ball taking yet another deflection.

HAMMERS KOP IT

Summerville still threatens and forces a really good save from Alisson. From the resulting Bowen corner Castellanos arrives at the back post to head home from a difficult angle. Liverpool look a bit worried as Jimmy Summerville twists inside two defenders only to fire over when he might have scored.

It's game over when Frimpong crosses and the ball takes another unlucky deflection off Disasi for an own goal. Liverpool almost make it six as sub Nyoni fires over.

It's been a strange game as West Ham have played well going forwards and had slightly more possession than Liverpool. The Irons have scored twice at Anfield and created seven other decent chances. We've been unlucky with three deflected goals, but you won't win many games conceding five. Bad habits have re-emerged, with an early goal conceded and three let in from corners.

But at least the most difficult fixture of the run-in is out of the way. Fulham are not as good as Liverpool. If Nuno can restore some solidity to the back four and we get a bit more luck with deflections then we can still get something at Craven Cottage on Wednesday. 

Drawing drawing West Ham

West Ham 0 Bournemouth 0

Inside the London Stadium there are lots of pre-match tributes to Ludo Miklosko, who comes from near Moscow, including Jimmy Walker, not having himself in dodgy gear, on the pitch and a tifo in the Bobby Moore Stand. Ludo is still with us but in a bad way with cancer. We're with you Big Boy.

I'm joined by Matt, Lisa, Nigel and Michael, fresh from brunch at the Best Cafe. Matt's been asking for the name of the only Football League team never to win a divisional title, a mystery eventually cracked by Nigel. 

It's nearly a great start as from Bowen's corner Disasi has a header cleared off the line and then pokes the rebound over the bar. Next Taty whips in a delicious cross but Summerville can only direct his effort at Petrovic.

Not much else happens in the first half though it soon becomes clear that Bournemouth are a good passing side lying eighth and this won't be easy. Jimmy Summerville shows great feet to dribble into the box only to shoot over. Blonde full back Jimenez clatters Summerville twice to earn boos from the crowd but no booking. 

Hermansen looks calm, Mavropanos is having a good game at the back, Disasi looks solid and Taty is chasing everything. At half-time Michael disses Tom Stoppard then channels Fraser by announcing that we will win in an unprecedented burst of optimism.

CHERRY BOMB

The second half begins with the Cherries Rayan suddenly bursting down the right from his own half, veering into the box and firing against the outside of the post. Bournemouth look to have signed a Brazilian wonderkid while WHU got Guilherme.

The crowd are excellent in getting behind the Irons again. We give it a go. Bowen crosses from the right and Taty goes close with an overhead kick. Nuno waits a little too long to bring on Wilson but when he does arrive he almost has an immediate impact. Diouf whips in a cross and Callum produces the clever flick of an instinctive goalscorer, only to see Petrovic pull off a fine reaction save. Wilson then volleys over the bar from Bowen's cross.

Bournemouth have some good moments as Scott has a low drive saved by Hermansen and Tavernier crosses across the six-yard box. Kante comes on for Magassa, who has ballooned a shot way over when well-placed, while Diouf gets in a great crunching tackle and some fine overlaps.

RESPECTING THE PINT

There's a late flourish from the Irons, Summerville's shot is deflected for a corner. Then in the last minute Jimmy races out of his own half to set up Bowen, who shoots over. Jarrod is  stretching and under pressure but should really have got it on target.

So it's 0-0, a good performance if not a good result. We've had 20 shots to Bournemouth's 10, but as Big Sam might say we've just not been clinical enough. "Teams that stay up win games in the last minute," reflects Matt as we head for the Eagle. Nigel considers that less than a point a game means relegation in any division.

In the pub there's curling on the TV while Nigel is on fire with Wes Foderingham trivia, not least the fact that at Swindon Les once squared up to boss Paulo Di Canio after being subbed off after 20 minutes. Then's he's championing an Angel Witch b-side called Gorgon. After two pints of Guinness we're on to the two bands called Blue, and the musical career of Barry Blue, whose single Dancing on a Saturday Night was once purchased on a Top of the Pops album by a young Matt.

So 11 games left. At least a point is something and one defeat in eight games is a sign of progress. The clean sheet was a positive from the game and there's still some hope if very little margin for error. Now all we have to do is win at Anfield. Oh dear.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 7; Wan-Bissaka 7, Disasi 6, Mavropanos 7, Diouf 7; Soucek 5 (Wilson 7), Fernandes 6, Magassa 5 (Kante 6); Bowen 6, Castellanos 7, Summerville 7.

Hammers (just about) avoid cup hopes going for a Burton

Burton Albion 0 West Ham 1 (FA Cup)

Watching on TNT the game begins with a hole in the goal netting being repaired with a piece of blue string and a plane flying overhead with a "Sullivan and Brady out" message. That's about as entertaining as the game gets. Nuno has made ten changes from the Man United game and the Greek Bloke is named as captain, joining fellow legends Moore, Bonds, Rice and Bowen. None of us have ever doubted Dinos.

The Brewers have an early penalty appeal turned down after the Greek Bloke shoves Beasley. The Irons look passive against a determined Burton. Magassa and Kante don't get to grips with midfield, Lamadrid is peripheral and Traore only occasionally threatens. Burton have had six attempts on goal before Wilson finally gets a tame shot in. The match looks like a League One relegation struggle with Burton edging it.

The second half begins with West Ham stepping up the pace as the Greek Bloke has a header saved from a corner. We finally get a decent effort away as Callum Wilson hits an excellent half-volley that is topped over by Collins. Nuno brings on Potts, Summerville and Castellanos late on in an attempt to win it but the game drifts into extra-time.

Can West Ham pull off an upset and score? Mayers finds Summerville on the left. Jimmy cuts inside a defender and fires in a shot that is deflected into the top of the net. Phew. That's six goals for Jimmy now.

It's hopefully game over until Freddie Potts lunges into a late tackle. It's a rash challenge and under pressure from the Burton players the ref changes his decision from a yellow to a red card. Suspensions are not what we need.

Armor fires just wide for the Brewers while Summerville pounces on a loose pass and rolls it into the side netting when it seems easier to score. Disasi comes on to tighten up the backline. Late on Lofthouse shoots just past the post and Areola has to make a late parry as Burton almost take it to penalties.

Finally we're through. Our reserves haven't looked very good on this showing. Not many positives apart from the fact that Mavropanos and Kilman were pretty solid at the back, it's another clean sheet and youngsters like Kante will learn from this. Still, at least Dinos has a 100 per cent record as captain. The Cup Final breakfast round at Nigel's Kew Gardens gaff remains on (just).

Sesko breaks Hammers' hearts but still a decent point

West Ham United 1 Manchester United 1 

There's plenty of time to eat in the Best Meze Cafe before the 8.15pm kick -off. Matt and Lisa are here having enjoyed a visit to the brutalist bus station in Preston after the Burnley match. Strangely our halloumi mushrooms and falafel arrive on time, though the chips appear at the end of seven additional minutes. 

Inside the stadium we find Nigel, Big Sam and Big Sam's podcast mate. On a misty rainswept evening under the lights this feels like a proper fixture. United have won four in a row under ex-Hammer Michael Carrick and Nigel and myself agree we'd be happy with a point against a club in form and in the top four. Potts comes in for Wilson as Nuno strengthens the midfield. Encouragingly Disasi is able to play twice in four days after not starting all season.

Not too much happens in the first half. Bowen heads a cross wide and then Jimmy Summerville cuts inside and forces a save from Lammens. From a low corner Wan Bissaka has to clear Shaw's shot off the line. What is apparent is that the Irons are competing really well. Disasi and the Greek Bloke look solid at the back, Soucek is getting in tackles and Taty is chasing everything despite referee Simon Hooper ignoring the repeated manhandling of both Taty and later Callum Wilson.

Incredibly the Irons take the lead after 50 minutes. Diouf punts a long ball downfield. Bowen heads to Soucek, gets the ball back and races down the right wing. His low cross is expertly turned home by Soucek who has got in front of Shaw and wheels away doing his windmill celebration. Nigel says it's going to be a long second half. It's the hope we can't take. That's now 39 Premier League goals for the great survivor Tomas. Three managers have tried to drop him but the Czech keeps bouncing back. 

United look to have equalised when Casemiro gets between two defenders to head home, only to be ruled offside by an arm. Inspired by this the crowd really get behind the home side with chants of, "West Ham are massive!" going round the stadium. It's one of the best atmospheres since our European games, possibly helped by an extra 15 minutes in the pub.

Nuno brings on Wilson for Taty and then Magassa for Potts, while Carrick throws Sesko up front for United. Every thirty seconds on the clock seems to take forever. Fernandes messes up a promising free kick and some of West Ham's corners are poor too. But apart from a low shot from Sesko saved by Hermansen we seem to be holding on for an epic win.

FERGIE TIME

Seven minutes of Fergie Time is announced, which seems excessive. Nuno possibly tinkers too much by taking off Bowen and Summerville for Traore and Walker-Peters. West Ham have a great chance to make it two when Wilson breaks breaks from his own half only to have his shot blocked by Yoro when he could have passed to the unmarked Magassa. A minute later Magassa skips past Martinez to release Toure, whose shot is blocked again by Yoro.

West Ham have an escape when Zirkzee's header flicks just wide of the post. Surely we can now hold on for a morale-boosting three points that will see us go level with Forest? Only Mbuemo has worked hard and looked dangerous all game. Scarles, on for Diouf and not helped by Traore, doesn't get close enough to the United man who crosses into the box. Disasi is tight on Sesko but somehow the United striker manages to flick the ball up into the top corner with a great finish. Sod it. Disasi beats the ground in frustration.

"That's why we're going down!" declares Matt. Twenty points lost from winning positions. The Vicar's Son then launches into an existential howl of rage at Nuno's use of subs, Ollie Scarles for not closing down and the unfeeling nature of the cosmos, as Lisa checks out wellness retreats in San Francisco.

We retreat to Ye Olde Black Bull for a pint of Brixton Pale where TNT seems to be a Man United fan channel screening long interviews with Michael Carrick and Slabhead Maguire. Still, West Ham have played well tonight and the players can be proud of their performances. We're all deflated but at the end of the season a point against a top four side may well seem like a decent result. We go again and on tonight's form there's still some hope left. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Wan-Bissaka 7; Mavropanos 7, Disasi 6, Diouf 6 (Scarles 5); Soucek 8, Potts 6 (Magassa 7), Fernandes 7; Bowen 7 (Traore n/a), Castellanos 6 (Wilson 6), Summerville 7 (Walker-Peters n/a).

We've got Taty, we've got Taty Castellanos!

Burnley 0 West Ham 2 (two)

It's an early start for the 8.30pm train from Euston for this, followed by the local train from Preston to a rainswept Burnley. Nigel's Burnley-supporting pal David has secured us places in the 1862 lounge within the Bob Lord Stand. 

Matt and Lisa, up on a romantic mini-break, are sampling the Bene and Hot (Benedictine being introduced to Burnley by WW1 soldiers and it's now the club's official drink). We're joined by fellow Irons Big Joe, who has driven down from Shropshire, plus Nigel and CQ also enjoying a mini-break on the moors outside Colne.

After our pre-match curry and a pint of Wainwright Jeff the MC/compere takes the mic to read out the teams. Struggling on Konstantinos Mavropanos he hands the mic over to Nigel who reads out "number 15 Greek Bloke", raising a laugh and ensuring a contract offer from Big Joe. The only problem is we then have to watch the football. It's better than expected.

Nuno has surprised everyone by dropping Areola for Hermansen. It's a little unfair on the Fonz, though as a former goalkeeper perhaps Nuno is concerned by Areola's fallibility with crosses. Or maybe with the most goals conceded in the division he just thinks he has to try something different. Axel Disasi starts and Wilson replaces Pablo up front.

It's certainly a shock to be so close to the pitch and we get to see close-hand Jarrod Bowen's incredible work-rate. West Ham start with some determination as Bowen surges forward and Summerville appeals for a penalty. We look up for it and take the lead when Fernandes nicks the ball and surges from his own half. He plays in Summerville who does well to lift the ball over Dubravka to score his fifth goal in five games. 

Axel Disasi looks composed at the back considering he hasn't played since last season. He's a big unit and looks intimidating to play against, which is what we need. Meanwhile the West Ham fans have a new song to the tune of Lip Up Fatty by Bad Manners, "We've got Taty, we've got Taty, Castellanos!" Though perhaps our Argentine striker isn't that familiar with the works of Buster Bloodvessel. The fans' other new song is best not repeated.

It's Taty who gets the second. Summerville produces a clever flick to Diouf, who puts in a superb low swinging cross. Taty gets between his two markers to head home.The Burnley fans turn with boos and chants of "We want Parker out!" though Scotty does get a chorus of support from the away fans.

Edwards shoots narrowly wide and Burnley miss a good chance at the back post but at the interval it's 2-0. What could possibly go right? After the break Burnley come at us for ten minutes. It's encouraging to see Disasi, Dinos and Wan-Bissaka celebrating some crunching tackles and blocks. Hermansen, after a slightly nervy start, makes a good save from Flemming and starts to gather crosses with confidence.

Nuno makes the change he should have done at Chelsea, replacing Wilson with Potts, who steadies the midfield. The home fans chant "You're not fit to wear the shirt!" at sub Bruun Larsen which can't help anyone at Turf Moor, though Hannibal gives it a good go in midfield. West Ham threaten on the break as Summerville nicks the ball past Walker and plays the ball just too far in front of Taty. Bowen should make it three when he breaks only to try and cross to Jimmy when he should shoot.

Pablo comes on and inspires a chant of "If Pablo scores we're on the pitch!", while Scarles does well after replacing Diouf. Amazingly we keep a clean sheet and see the game out without too much trouble. Burnley have been poor, but we still had to beat then and that's now four wins out of five, counting the FA Cup. 

I celebrate with Bene and Hot in the 1862 Lounge before racing across Burnley to get the tiny  train to Preston. Even a tree on the line and a 70-minute delay to Euston isn't that bad after an away win as a group of rather drunk West Ham fans sing the Taty and Christian Dailly songs long into the night. Man United will be a much more difficult game but we're starting to find some form. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 7; Wan-Bissaka 7, Disasi 7, Mavropanos 7, Diouf 7 (Scarles 7); Soucek 7, Fernandes 8; Bowen 8 (Walker-Peters n/a), Wilson 7 (Potts 7), Castellanos 7 (Pablo 6), Summerville 9 (Traore n/a).

Hammers try Axel grease to fix defensive malfunctions

West Ham certainly left it late on deadline day to loan 27-year-old Axel Disasi from Chelsea, relying on a deal sheet with the transfer not being confirmed until after 9pm. Still, at least the fax machine must have been working. Disasi was in the Chelsea "bomb squad" (where he might have met Danny Welbeck's dad, Stan) so could have been signed much earlier, which indicates he wasn't the club's first option and took some persuading to join. 

He's the first West Ham player to be called Axel, and not to be confused with Guns N' Roses' Axl Rose, who at 63 might be a little old for defensive duties. His full name is pretty impressive, being Axel Wilson Arthur Disasi Mhankinis Belho.

Axel is undoubtedly a good defender who cost Chelsea £38 million. He had a good career in France at Reims and Monaco (99 games) before signing for Chelsea. In his first season of 2023-24 he scored on his debut against Liverpool and played 44 times under Mauricio Pochetinno, including playing 120 minutes in the Carabao Cup Final defeat to Liverpool. He also got on late for France in their World Cup Final defeat to Argentina at the 2024 Qatar World Cup. So after the departure of Guido Rodriguez West Ham again have a World Cup winner on the books.

He played 17 times for Chelsea last season before falling victim to Chelsea's bloated squad system and being loaned to Aston Villa, where he played ten times including three times in the Champions League. Unai Emery doesn't sign too many duds.

The big worry though is that he hasn't played at all this season so how long will it take him to get match fit? It seems unlikely that he will play at Burnley but might get a run-out at Burton. Though a half-fit Disasi might be more effective than Max Kilman and the Greek Bloke after Saturday's collapse at Chelsea.

So a mixed transfer window ends. Castellanos and Pablo arrived for £47m to provide some pressing up front and made an immediate difference to the side's energy, while Traore isn't too much of a gamble at an initial £1m. Lamadrid is one for the future. The squad has been trimmed with Paqueta (little choice but to sell here), Rodriguez, Irvine and Guilherme leaving (we did well to get £14m) and Ward-Prowse, Fullkrug, Earthy and Marshall being loaned out. But with the worst defence in the league we've only signed Disasi for the back line. Whether this proves successful will be known in May.

Hammers lose two-goal lead in Chelsea collapse

Chelsea 3 West Ham 2

It's off too the lucky-ish pub of the Floirin with Matt and Lisa for this 5.30pm kick-off. Chelsea have rested several key players after Europe and West Ham start confidently after three wins in a row as Taty gets a couple of shots away. 

Wan-Bissaka is getting lots of space on the right and after seven minutes he finds Jarrod Bowen. Pablo goes for the captain's cross, doesn't connect, and confuses Sanchez so much that the ball drifts in. We almost choke on our Guinnesses and reflect that it's a long time to hold a lead.

But the Irons are playing some incisive stuff. Another good move sees Castellanos fire into keeper from close range. Incredibly it's two on 36 minutes as Wan-Bissaka pulls back and Jimmy Summerville thumps home a lovely first-time finish from the edge of the box. Thats four in four for the winger. Two-nil up at half-time and Chelsea booed off — what could possibly go wrong?

Well, substitutes for one thing. Chelsea have already brought on Neto and at the break bring on Joao Pedro, Cucurella and Fofana. Even so West Ham nearly make it three as Fernandes fires a long-range effort at the keeper and then Castellanos pokes narrowly wide.

What we don't want to do is give Chelsea a lifeline as Fofana races from the centre circle unchallenged to cross. Joao Pedro has got behind Mavropanos to head home. West Ham are pressed back and Areola has to make a fine save from Caicedo's piledriver.

Chelsea look much sharper this half. The Irons are still ahead on 67 minutes as Nuno makes the baffling decision of taking off Pablo for Max Kilman and going to five at the back. That's inviting Chelsea to pile on more pressure. It would have been far more sensible to strengthen the midfield with Potts or Magassa or to bring on Traore for his pace. Nuno just doesn't seem to realise that this team can't defend.

Three minutes after Kilman comes on Neto crosses from the left, Gusto heads towards goal, Kilman tries to clear but heads against his own bar and Cucurella reacts quickest to head home the rebound.

It's pretty constant Chelsea pressure at 2-2 but the Irons have a chance to win it as Summerville does well to win a free-kick. Soucek crosses low and Todibo strikes the outside of the post from close range when he should score.

Nuno's late subs are strange too, taking off our best player Bowen for Traore and replacing Diouf with Scarles, who struggles against Neto. But somehow it's still 2-2 on 92 minutes. Then Palmer finds Joao Pedro who is allowed to cross to Fernandez, who slipping between three defenders, strokes home and does an annoying shirt-twirling celebration.

West Ham lose it after that. After winning a corner Traore is goaded by Cucurella and Joao Pedro and reacts very aggressively. A melee ensues and Todibo grabs Joao Pedro round the neck. VAR results in an inevitable red card. That's incredibly stupid and means our best defender misses the next three games. Areola is up but the corner is cleared and West Ham collapse to defeat.

That's 92 minutes of hope followed by nine minutes of absolute despair, which rather sums up our season. We think of the 3-2 defeat at Wigan after being 2-0 up. WHU can think up ever more inventive ways of losing. It's all starting to look very Avram Grant-ish as Matt bemoans the failures of Loppy, Potter and "Nuno Dispirito Santo". Short of being named in the Epstein files it can't get much worse. While the Floirin has definitely lost its lucky-ish tag.

Chelsea have played well and bought on four quality subs, but this was our chance to keep the run going. Lisa tries to cheer up Matt by taking him to see the Canary Wharf light show, though all the bulbs may well fuse after 92 minutes.

Teams that can't hold on to two-goal leads tend to get relegated as do teams that can't defend and suffer needless red cards. The Hammers played really well for one half but unless we can sign a defender we look doomed.

Just sold my Paqueta

So Lucas Paqueta has finally been sold to Flamengo for £35.5 million. Getting rid of him seems the best option for everyone after his reported refusal to play against QPR and subsequent back injury. The club issued a very cutting statement thanking, "our management, players, staff and loyal supporters for the unwavering and devoted support they have shown to Lucas throughout his time at the Club and, in particular, over the past two and a half years." The only person they didn't thank was Lucas Paqueta.

On his day Paqueta could be brilliant, but his form was sadly affected by the FA's two-year inquiry into allegations he deliberately got booked, before they eventually found him innocent. No doubt this did affect his mental health. But Lucas owed us a decent season after the club stood by him and did have some good games away to Forest and Brighton and at home to Newcastle. But his form was erratic and he absolutely failed to read the room on the day West Ham mourned Billy Bonds against Liverpool. His sending off for two bookings for dissent was ridiculously petulant and made it all about him. 

Paqueta would always produce some wonderful moments of close control, but then he would also give away the ball in dangerous areas and refs had tired of his falling over to gain free-kicks. The evidence of the last three wins was that the team looked a lot more united without him. Nuno did his best to flatter Lucas's ego and restored him immediately after his suspension. Initially he wanted to take him on loan for the rest of the season after he was sold, but Lucas clearly wasn't up for that.

Still, we'll always have the memory of his early form and that pass to Bowen in Prague. The other issue is of course what to with all those fans who sold their car to Lucas Paqueta. My pal Matt is still waiting for the money for his Austin Allegro...

Traore arrives, Rodriguez, Igor and JWP depart

So Adama Traore has finally arrived from Fulham for £2 million. We've got him cheap because he's 30 and out of contract at the end of the season, and for all his speed and power he's not produced enough end product. But the signing makes sense in many ways. Adama is tremendously fast with a good shot, which is an area the Hammers have been lacking. A former Spanish international, he can play on the right or left wing and so can deputise for both Summerville and Bowen or be used as a sub late in games. On his day he can be unplayable and in a relegation struggle he just needs to make the difference in a few games.

It was Nuno who got the best out of Traore at Wolves with 157 appearances and ten goals. He has plenty of experience having played for Barcelona, Aston Villa, Middlesbrough, Wolves and Fulham. Traore also has arms like tree trunks and with all that bulk and speed you wonder if he might do an Antonio and be converted to a muscular striker.

On the exit front Guido Rodriguez has gone to Valencia for a small fee, saving £75k a week in wages and bringing our quotient of World Cup-winners to nought. Guido never really looked fast or mobile enough to play in the Premier League but should do well in Spain. He actually had a pretty good game when he started at Brighton and remained a good pro throughout his time on the bench and his occasional cameos.

Meanwhile Igor has been returned to sender at Brighton having only started once at Bournemouth and James Ward-Prowse is set to join Burnley on loan. He'll inevitably score a free-kick on his debut. JWP's exile from even the bench by Nuno remains strange, though WHU do have younger faster midfield options in Fernandes, Potts and Magassa. However, we'll look a bit silly if his set-pieces keep Burnley up.

Lucas Paqueta is likely to leave soon and loan deals are rumoured for Spurs keeper Kinsky and Chelsea's Axel Disasi so there should be plenty more action before the window closes.

Three wins in a row! First-half goal blitz demolishes Mackems

West Ham 3 (three) Sunderland 1

It's an early start for the 12.30pm kick-off and straight to the ground for me. Which is just as well as Matt, Lisa, Nigel and Michael report mayhem, absent chefs and missed omelettes in the Best Cafe. After the win against QPR I've opted to keep my lucky Seventies away shirt and Xmas gifted grey WHU bobble hat which seemed to work last time.

Nuno selects the same side that won at Spurs and perhaps convinced that Hell is looking decidedly chilly, selects James Ward-Prowse on the bench. There's an anxious moment early on as a long-throw is headed clear and Sadiki's shot has to be tipped over by Areola.

But the Irons soon get their passing game going and without Paqueta we suddenly seem to have found some team spirit. On 14 minutes Wan-Bissaka releases Jarrod Bowen on the right. In a fine piece of old-fashioned wing play he beats Reinildo, gets to the line and stands up a cross for the diminutive Crysencio Summerville to head home. That's three in three games for Jimmy. 

Our problem this season has invariably been not getting a second after going ahead. That's remedied by a flowing eight-man passing move that sees Ollie Scarles burst into the box and fall over Hume's outstretched leg. Bowen dispatches the penalty into the corner.

Pablo has been involved in a couple of the passes in the move for the penalty and although his control is at times poor, he's working for the team and willing to get stuck in. Taty is chasing everything up front and without Paqueta, Fernandes is revelling in his role as midfield orchestrator. There's something to be said for fielding 11 faithfuls. 

The third goal arrives as Fernandes plays a great long ball from defence to Summerville on the left wing. He finds Castellanos whose shot is blocked by Ballard. The ball breaks to Fermandes thirty yards out and he wallops a delicious strike into the top corner. What sort of thing is happening here?

The booked Reinildo is lucky to stay on after another foul before the break but we're certainly happy with 3-0. Michael wonders if the relief chef at the Best Cafe has been inserting magic mushrooms into the food. We wonder why J G Ballard is in defence for Sunderland and if he wrote Crash about the Hammers. Though Matt speculates that Empire of the Son was a tribute to Spurs.

It would be nice to get four or five but Sunderland improve with three subs on. As ever West Ham defend too deep and Sunderland pull one back as Diarra finds Mukiele, whose cross is headed home by the unmarked Mr Brobbey. With 24 minutes left it gets a bit nervy though the closest the Mackems come to scoring is O'Nien's mishit shot that catches Areola out as he fumbles the effort on to the angle before catching it.

Nuno brings on Wilson, Potts and Diouf to manage the game. African Cup of Nations winner Diouf gets in some good solid headers while Wilson's turn in the box almost creates a chance. 

"Come on you Irons!" implore the home fans. West Ham almost get a fourth at the death as a corner is cleared and Fernandes lashes another fine shot against the bar. Wilson heads the rebound on and Soucek almost bundles the ball over the line but the ref awards a foul against the keeper as the Greek Bloke and Ballard tussle like rutting stags in the box.

So it ends 3-1 and that's three wins in a row. It's not the despair we can't take it's the hope. We head to the chilly beer garden of the Eagle to celebrate before Michael leaves to see a Mahler symphony, that's by Gustav not Joe. We might have left it too late but there are signs of life at last in beating a team in the top half. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 6, Mavropanos 7, Todibo 6, Scarles 7 (Diouf 6); Soucek 6, Fernandes 8; Bowen 8, Pablo 6 (Wilson 6), Castellanos 6 (Potts 6), Summerville 8 (Kilman n/a).

West Ham go Caracas as Portobello Pirlo departs

West Ham have signed 22-year-old Venezuelan winger Keiber Lamadrid on loan from Venezuelan Super Cup winners Deportivo La Guaira. He’s the first Venezuelan to play for West Ham so we have to hope Donald Trump doesn’t send in a snatch squad in a bid to challenge the international rules-based transfer system. The lad comes from Caracas, so please insert your own joke here.

It’s a strange signing as the Venezuelan winger finished his season in December and is still in pre-season, so Nuno admits he’s not ready to play yet. We have to hope he’s the real Lamadrid, though this has the hallmarks of a David Sullivan gift to the manager. It’s still unclear who makes the transfer decisions at West Ham now Kyle Macauley has left; it seems to be a combination of Nuno, David Sullivan and whichever agent is in favour. More efficient recruiters like Brighton, Bournemouth and Brentford have a process in place.

Meanwhile the Portobello Pirlo Andy Irving has departed for Sparta Prague for a rumoured £1.5 million. The mysterious Scot become something of a cult as he seemed to arrive from nowhere. Andy was a decent passer and not a bad crosser. He had a fairly good game at Chelsea when Graham Potter selected him as a starter last season, but he never recovered from Nuno’s decision to pair him with Soucek in midfield for the defeats against Brentford and Leeds. Irving just wasn’t mobile or fast enough for the central midfield positions. Still, he always did his best as a sub, though West Ham should be signing players who can make a difference, not ok squad players for the bench. But having said that, good luck in Prague Andy.

Now let’s see what happens with the pursuit of a central defender before the window closes.

Diouf is on for the treble

Congratulations to El Hadji Malick Diouf on winning the African Cup of Nations with Senegal. Not much happened in the final apart from a disallowed Senegal goal, a penalty harshly given against Diouf causing the Senegal team to walk off the pitch, a terrible Panenka penalty, a brilliant extra-time winner and Nayef Aguerd heading against the bar.

That win should boost El Hadji's confidence and as my fellow season-ticket holder Big Sam points out, he's now on for the treble: The Betway Cup, African Cup of Nations and FA Cup, assuming our chances don't go for a Burton. It doesn't get better than that.

Tottenham Hotspur: It's happened again!

Tottenham 1 West Ham 2 (two)

It's another nervous afternoon listening to El Sackico on Radio 5. Nuno plays two up top in an attacking line-up and Paqueta is still absent with a back problem and a does of transferitis. 

Tel volleys over for Spurs early on but West Ham start to create chances on the break. A cross from Wan-Bissaka is headed back by Jimmy Summerville to Castellanos, who is unlucky with a volley just over the bar.

Astonishingly West Ham take the lead after 15 minutes. Bowen is clattered by Davies but the ref waves play on and a nice move sees Castellanos, Pablo, and Fernandes feed Summerville on the edge of the box. He cuts inside a couple of defenders and sees his shot deflect past Vicario off a Spurs leg. The winger runs to celebrate with Nuno. That's two in two for Jimmy and he's starting to look confident again. If you don't shoot you don't score.

Areola has to spread himself to make a fine double save from Odobert and Tel but West Ham don't sit back. Bowen breaks and instead of shooting passes to Pablo who miscontrols the ball. The Greek Bloke flicks on a corner and Taty heads over the bar when he should score.

West Ham are everything they were not at Wolves. Todibo is fast at the back, we're competing for tackles and Summerville is doing a great job bringing the side forward at speed. From a free kick Soucek heads across the box to the Greek Bloke whose goalbound header is clawed away by Vicario.

It's the hope I can't take is my thought at half-time as Spurs are booed off. Romero makes a great tackle to deny Summerville and after that Spurs improve. Areola has to tip over from sub Bissouma. Porro swings over a very inviting cross and Romero gets ahead of AWB to power home a header. As ever WHU can't keep a lead.

This is surely where West Ham crumble at the end. There's a ridiculous VAR scare as the ball brushes Scarles' fingertips, but it is sensibly overruled. On 89 minutes Areola has to make a smart save to turn away a drive from Simons.

IT ALL GOES SPURSY

Nuno brings on Callum Wilson after 91 minutes. AWB crosses and with his first touch Callum fires in a shot that is blocked for a corner in the 93rd minute. It's a congested six-yard area as Soucek and the Greek Bloke cause a bit of chaos, Vicario tries and fails to hail a taxi and Wilson pokes over the line from close range. The West Ham end goes barmy and not even VAR can deny us. Blimey. We're winning away. And we surely need to keep Wilson as he's a natural goal-poacher, it would be folly to let him go to a relegation rival.

Both sets of fans join in a chorus of, "You're getting sacked in the morning!" as Thomas Frank looks stunned. Dr Tottenham has done it again. On WhatsApp Matt and Lisa are claiming the victory as a reward for their honesty returning an expensive iPhone to its owner after finding it near Highgate Wood.

We're still in deep trouble but this is West Ham's first win in 11 league matches and gives us some hope. Encouragingly this smelt like team spirit. Irons!

Should West Ham cash in on Paqueta?

Jacob Steinberg in the Guardian claims that Lucas Paqueta asked not to play against QPR after interest from Flamengo in Brazil who have made a bid of around £30m. We all know that he's going to be leaving in the summer, but it now seems that he's trying to force an exit and wants to return to Brazil. Though today's Guardian claims that Paqueta's people are trying to persuade him to move to Chelsea where he'd surely be lost in their gargantuan squad.

Should West Ham cash in on an unhappy player? Paqueta's behaviour has certainly become tiresome with his self-indulgent red card against Liverpool, while no professional should ever refuse to play. Yes the FA put him under massive pressure with those gambling charges but that's gone now and he owes West Ham for sticking with an out-of-form player.

On the other hand Paqueta is a player who can make a difference. Would selling him prove that West Ham have given up on survival? Nuno clearly rates Paqueta and massaged his fragile ego by bringing him straight back into the side after his red card suspension. His record of four goals and one assist this season is ok but not great, though he's playing in a poor side and if he'd had a fast striker to feed he might have created a lot more. 

Lucas certainly had great games in the wins against Forest and Newcastle and was impressive in the away draw at Brighton. Yet he can also be a liability in defensive areas. His game against Brighton at home included an assist, giving away a penalty and then scoring a penalty which rather sums up his season. We certainly missed his passing at Wolves.

Much will depend on Nuno's man-management. He's only asking Paqueta to wait for five months. He should be challenging Lucas to be remembered as the player who created the winning Europa Conference League goal and then stayed to try and keep us up rather than scarpering halfway through the season and leaving in the style of Dimitri Payet. Though if he's determined to go WHU have to line up a replacement and quickly.

Taty bye to QPR

West Ham 2 QPR 1 (FA Cup)

In the Best Meze Cafe it's a solid turnout of Matt, Lisa, Nigel and Big Sam, though the breakfast menu is off but the chips arrive fairly quickly. Matt is full of interesting information, including the fact that Mott the Hoople once recorded a song called Waterlow about Waterlow Park, not to be confused with the Kinks' Waterlow Sunset. He then goes down a Wikipedia rabbit hole, researching Scott the Hoople, who is in fact Scott McCaughey, a guitarist who once played with REM.

Meanwhile Nigel is noting that the Eagles' Joe Walsh is in goal for QPR, up against our Desperardo attack. We wonder if in The Long Run and perhaps if Hell Freezes Over we might even win. 

I'm hoping the game doesn't go to extra time as my wife has purchased me a ticket to see Tony 'Baldrick' Robinson at the Park Theatre at 5pm, without realising the date of this game had changed. Baldrick's current cunning plan for West Ham is seemingly to lose all our games and lull our opponents into a false sense of security.

In the stadium the noisy QPR fans have a whole end and seem to think they are by far the greatest team the world has ever seen, which might be news to Real Madrid and Barcelona.

Ezra Mayers makes his debut at left wing-back and AWB returns, with Castellanos up front and Paqueta rested amid transfer rumours of a return to Brazil. Nigel's literary cry of "Go on Ezra Pound!" might be lost on younger fans, but young Ezra looks promising, showing a good turn of pace in a poor game. 

Not much happens in the first half until the lively Jimmy Summerville cuts inside to unleash a shot that Walsh does really well to tip over. The Greek Bloke goes down with injury following a corner and has to be stretchered off. Let's hope it's not as serious as it looked for Dinos. Pablo replaces him.

West Ham get the fillip we need in added time. Pablo does well to shrug off Cook and play the ball to Magassa. The midfielder, who has had a mixed half, feeds Summerville who wallops home from a tight angle.

But as ever WHU seem to fade after the break. Kone causes Todibo problems and forces a save from Hermansen. The equaliser comes after a hasty clearance is fired back in by Dembele and Kone gets in front of Wan-Bissaka to head home.

"We'll see you all next year!" chant the Rangers fans, along with some ribald comments on the architectural merits of the London Stadium. West Ham improve after the goal with Soucek replacing Magassa. Summerville has a really positive game and Castellanos tests Walsh with a long-range effort.

WE'RE WINNING AT HOME!

But the game ends at 1-1 and I'm forced to miss the added 30 minutes in favour of Tony Robinson and the Full Time Team. At least the proper fans are there to see Soucek force a save from Walsh and Summerville go close. In the 98th minute Summerville produces a Cruyff-like turn to send the QPR full-back racing towards Hackney Wick. Jimmy jinks in a fine cross and Castellanos is there to head home a poacher's goal. Could the Irons finally have found a striker? To  channel Ken Dodd, it's Taty bye to QPR.

The Hammers see the game out and after ten winless matches we'll take any form of victory. This might be an important turning point for Crysencio Summerville too, since he's got a goal and an assist to finally produce some end product from his runs. The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff remains on. Now let's get a result at Spurs.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Wan-Bissaka 6 (Walker-Peters 5), Kilman 5, Todibo 6, Mavropanos 6 (Pablo 6), Mayers 7 (Scarles 5); Magassa 6 (Soucek 6), Potts 6; Summerville 8, Bowen 6, Castellanos 7 (Rodriguez n/a). 

Robbed by VAR as unlucky Hammers lose again

West Ham 1 Notts  Forest 2 

It's a dash from daughter Nell's MA graduation to this six-pointer, where in the cold night air we learn that Wilson isn't in the squad after reports he wants to leave and Taty makes his debut. Todibo and Paqueta return too. I'm joined by Nigel and CQ, Matt and Lisa, and Michael in his Darts red shirt (the band not Luke Littler).

There are big gaps of white seats after the Wolves debacle with many fans having given up. But without the tourists and fainthearts it's the noisiest atmosphere of the season. West Ham start with much more intensity than the pathetic display at Wolves. New signing Taty Castellanos is busy chasing everything up front, Soucek is adding some height to our tiny side, Summerville gets an early shot away and we're getting some tackles in. 

Areola makes a fantastic save to tip over Nico Williams' drive early on. But it's the Hammers who make the early breakthrough. Summerville's inswinging corner is flicked on by Soucek and goes in off the head of Murillo. We're in the lead. What could possibly go wrong? 

Forest are restricted to long-range efforts but are unlucky when Hudson-Odoi hits the bar with a great strike. But generally it's been a good half with the returning Todibo dominant, Fernandes busy in front of the back four and Paqueta knitting things together.

After the break Bowen makes a good burst through but can't keep his shot down. It looks like 2-0 when Walker-Peters' shot deflects off a defender into the path of Jimmy Summerville, who fires home a great strike. That will do his confidence good. But then VAR intervenes and ref Tony Harrington is sent to the screen. Of course he disallows it for a marginal offside against Castellanos. This was way back in the move before a cross and blocked shot and we think of Rutter's Brighton's goal that was allowed at the Amex despite a handball as it was judged to be a new phase of play. 

That's the story of our season. Moments later Forest force a corner, Dominguez beats Castellanos to send a back header looping over Walker-Peters on the line and into the net. "If we don't win this we've gone," says a mournful Michael.

VAR TROUBLE

The referee earns chants of "You don't know what you're' doing!" after he waves play on as Summerville is blatantly fouled by Anderson on the edge of the Forest box. West Ham give it a go. Walker-Peters is played in by sub Pablo to send a low low drive at Sels, with Castellanos' follow-up also being saved. Scarles is starting to lunge-in at left back and Nuno replaces him with Mayers, while Paqueta goes off early due to his back injury.

Mayers plays a fine ball through to Bowen, who hesitates a fraction too long allowing Murillo to get in a block. Five minutes from the end Forest send in a free kick. Areola comes for the ball and misses, rushing into Todibo and Gibbs-White as Soucek heads it away. No-one appeals and the ref plays on, only for sodding VAR to intervene again. Areola's glove has touched Gibbs-White's face and the ref is sent to the monitor again to review and award a penalty. It's a contact game and it's hard to see how Areola could have slowed his momentum.

Areola then earns the ire of Matt by diving when he's often getting beaten by penalties straight down the middle. Sure enough Gibbs-White sends it straight down the middle to send the Forest fans into elation. It's worse when we've played well. Nothing has gone for WHU tonight and it's one point from four winnable games.

At least Ye Olde Black Bull is warm. "There won't be a book in this season," muses Nigel, before pondering the positives of hosting Lincoln and Stevenage, should they go up. At least he's got a heavy metal supergroup to look forward to seeing featuring members of the likes of Angelwitch. The Vicar's Son is staying positive too, as his mum doesn't take down the Christmas decorations until February 2, meaning we can't come down with them until then. Lisa says she quite fancies a mini-break in Bolton. And we'll get more games in the Championship. This is now in Great Escape territory and it doesn't feel like it will happen.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Walker-Peters 7, Mavropanos 6, Todibo 7, Scarles 5 (Mayers 6); Soucek 7, Fernandes 7 (Potts n/a), Paqueta 6 (Pablo 6), Summerville 7, Bowen 6, Castellanos 6.

We're going down with the Wanderers

Wolves 3 West Ham 0

Hope lasts for three minutes while listening to this on Radio London. Potts has a decent shout for a penalty turned down before Wolves score with their first attack. Magassa lunges in, misses the ball and Mane is away. Walker-Peters is upfield and Hwang Hee-Chan is given too much space by Mavropanos to cross. Fernandes hasn't tracked Arias, who scores with ease.

It's two when Magassa and Potts lose out in midfield again, Mavropanos makes a weak clearance and Magassa catches Mane and it's a penalty. Hwang Hee-Chan duly dispatches it. Only a brilliant save with his foot from Areola denies Arokadare a third.

West Ham are being outfought all over the pitch and the third arrives when Mane gets the wrong side of Magassa, Mavropanos turns his back on the ball and the impressive Mane shoots home a powerful drive for his first Wolves goal.

"We're gonna win the league!" chant the home fans. Then it's "You're going down with the Wanderers!" and "You're nothing special we'll see you next year."

So 3-0 down at half-time to a side that hasn't won all season. There's been a real lack of leadership and desire. Nuno hooks the disappointing Magassa and Potts, bringing on Soucek and Mayers and changing to a back five.

“OMG are we even on the pitch?” asks Lisa on WhatsApp. We’re masking Wolves look like Real Madrid. Nigel thinks we might finish 20th and Nigel’s Wolves-supporting mate Adrian will now surely be breaking any Dry January vows.

Bowen tries an overhead kick from Summerville's cross and that's about it for the second half. Wolves settle for 3-0 though Areola still has to make a couple of decent saves. Wilson stays on all game rather than give Pablo a go and West Ham never look like pulling a goal back and making a game of it.

Nuno looks stunned at the end, apologises and describes the defeat as "embarrassing" and cites a "lack of effort, discipline organisation, responsibility." How could we not have been up for this? The game seemed too much for youngsters Magassa, Potts, Fernandes and Scarles, while Bowen, whom we all love, is too far up the pitch to be an effective captain. The late Billy Bonds would have been grabbing people by the collar demanding a reaction. 

The absence of Paqueta, Todibo, Wan-Bissaka and Diouf is slight mitigation and two new strikers might help, but there's no excuse for the attitude and performance here. If we can't get a result in games like this then the Irons are going down.

Striker light! Hammers sign two up top

You wait all season for one striker and then two turn up at once. Not sure this signing strikers thing will catch on, but such is West Ham's plight that the board has been prompted to act early in the window. Pablo Felipe has arrived for £22 million from Gil Vicente in Portugal. Interestingly his dad Pena is from Brazil and played with Nuno Espirito Santo at Porto, so the gaffer should know a bit about his family background and character. 

The 22-year-old Pablo grew up in Portugal and then Brazil, so has plenty of football culture to fall back on, as well as an impressive beard. It will take time to adapt to the Premier League but the striker has scored ten goals this season and is by all accounts decent at holding the ball up, essential for a counter-attacking side. He might even get some game time at Wolves.

The Irons are also signing Valentin "Taty" Castellanos from Lazio for £25 million. The Argentine forward scored ten times in Serie A last season and twice after returning from injury this time out so let's see what he can do. There's a lot of activity with Fulham's Adama Traore set to be re-united with Nuno and interest in Toulouse's Charlie Cresswell, who might have the leadership qualities and aerial dominance we need at the back.

Meanwhile Niclas Fullkrug has been loaned to AC Milan where he can be "very angry" with an option to sign at the end of the season, and another Steidten folly Luis Gulilherme is set to sign for Sporting Lisbon. If we can get the reported £16 million for Luis that's good business for a player who has done very little in the Premier League since signing.

James Ward-Prowse will also surely depart. I'm not sure what Nuno has against him but he's been treated pretty unfairly. Ward-Prowse is a solid pro who never complains and doesn't get injured. He can take a great corner and even if too slow for central midfield surely deserved a place on the bench rather than being excluded from the squad entirely. 

But overall you've got to say this looks like progress. Now all we have to do is beat a team that hasn't won for 19 games. What could possibly go wrong?