Terrible Hammers torn apart by Toon

West Ham 2 Newcastle 3

After watching England lose to South Africa in the Rugby World Cup Final it's time to come to Stratford for another glorious defeat. In the Best Cafe Matt informs NIgel, Michael and myself that Noel Whelan is the only Premier League footballer whose name contains all the letters of the word Halloween. Not a lot of people know that. 

Then it's on to the London Stadium where we're joined by Fraser, Alison and Scott. Also with us is Michael, who is at his first game at the London Stadium as a birthday present from my daughter Lola. A lot of people ask if she really doesn't like him...

The first-half is numbingly bad. Zabaleta is horribly outpaced by the lively Saint-Maximin and his white bandana. Toon go ahead when Joelinton heads across the box and Clark outjumps the Hammers defence to head home after a disputed free kick given away by Diop. They go two up when a simple ball into the box finds Roberto rushing into no-man's land and Fernandez heading home. Roberto then has to make a good stop from a one-on-one with Saint-Maximin.The ball fizzes around our goal-line in another attack as Saint-Maximin and Almiron have efforts stopped by Roberto. Newcastle also hit the bar through Shelvey and a long-range effort from Satin-Maximin is turned round the post.

WE'RE SO BAD IT'S UNBELIEVABLE
West Ham haven't turned up for the first half. Yarmolenko has a terrible half and when he pulls out of a challenge rightly earns the ire of the crowd. Haller has a late flick saved by the keeper, and Balbuena's header from a corner sees another good stop from Dubravka. But it could be 5-0 at half-time in Newcastle had taken their chances. Nigel predicts that we're going down.

The appearance of Lanzini and Ajeti for Yarmolenko and Noble improves the Hammers very slightly in the second half, though not before Shelvey has scored with a free kick that Roberto should have saved. "We're bringing on a Yeti," quips Michael the Whovian, "But with West Ham there's no Great Intelligence." At 0-3 Fraser contemplates ordering another Burnley-style pitch invasion.

Bizarrely, the Hammers almost come back for an undeserved point as Balbuena pokes home from a flicked-on corner by Haller and then Snodgrass pulls back a second after a Lanzini cross and a fine shot from the edge of the area on 90 minutes. There's even a late cameo from Andy Carroll. But it's a very flattering scoreline. Anderson is at least brave enough to still want the ball, but continually tries to thread through passes that aren't on. When desperate we need to lump it long occasionally just to mix things up.

A FLATTERING SCORELINE
It's easily West Ham's worst performance of the season and questions have to be asked of Pellegrini, who was hired to get WHU into the top six. If this was Moyes or Allardyce the fans would already be giving the manager huge stick. 

We retreat to the Refreshment Rooms where at least Nigel and Matt win games of table tennis and Nigel, in his best Robin Trower tee-shirt, has a Y & T gig at the Islington Academy to look forward to. The ageing Zabaleta has eventually been subbed by Fredericks and has been a great pro, but has been so outpaced that you fear it's his last game for the club. Cresswell has looked way off the pace. Diop and Balbuena have been beaten by simple balls over the top and Roberto doesn't look good enough. The defence was clearly suspect last season, but Pellegrini has done nothing to address the problem.

The sales of Adrian and Hernandez now look counter-productive. Haller has done very little again, Yarmolenko has been poor, Noble has looked his age and the most damning thing has been the attitude, the lack of desire from the kick-off. When did a West Ham team last look solid? If the flair players aren't doing it then the side is horribly brittle. If we continue to play like this then West Ham are in for a relegation struggle.

PLAYER RATINGS: Roberto 4; Zabaleta 3 (Fredericks 5), Diop 4, Balbuena 5, Cresswell 3; Anderson 4, Rice 5, Noble 4 (Lanzini 5), Snodgrass 6; Yarmolenko 3 (Ajeti 4), Haller 4.