Tuesday, February 7

Beard timing for the Hammers

The signing of Robert Snodgrass leaves West Ham looking well-stocked in the beard department. We've now got Snoddy, James Collins, Andy Carroll, Havard Nordtveit, Jose Fonte and Winston Reid sporting various degrees of facial hair. Here's an all-time West Ham bearded XI, though I've left Payet out on principle, with Geoff Pike bubbling under…


DARREN RANDOLPH: His beard might come and go but when it reaches full bushiness it can fill the entire goal.

JAMES TOMKINS: Perfected the Victorian villain image with his mutton-chop sideburns morphing into a full beard.

JAMES COLLINS: Ginger beard and bald bonce make for a very Tolkein-esque look. Could well play with a staff in hand.

JULIAN DICKS: Julian’s goatee was very Pulp Fiction in a 1990s movie villain driving a BMW kind of way. Often went beard to beard with Roy Keane’s goatee.

FRANK LAMPARD SENIOR: Permanent beard throughout the 1970s and 1980s gave him that fetching Motorhead roadie/gentleman of the road trying to get served in the Central look.

GRAHAM PADDON: Early pioneer of the Bee Gees groomed beard brought night fever to Upton Park.

BILLY BONDS:  The ultimate in pirate chic, could have out-swashbuckled Johnny Depp in the Caribbean. Extra marks for medallion accessories.

ROBERT SNODGRASS: Snoddy’s beard perfectly captures that Scottish explorer marooned in an Antarctic hut look.

DAVID CROSS: Psycho’s black beard gave him a look of desperation that clearly intimidated 1980s centre backs.

CLYDE BEST: Was only 19 when he came into the West Ham side but that beard made him appear at least 30 and capable of going ten rounds with Muhammad Ali.

ANDY CARROLL: A cross between Jesus and a prog rock keyboard player. Extra marks for man-bun on top.

MANAGER — SLAVEN BILIC: Various levels of stubble give him the appearance of a Croatian rock star after a heavy night out forced to do a press conference.


PT said...

No Zaza then. Splendid facial haie but .....

Pete May said...

His beard was impressive - about the only thing that he was impressive!