Chelsea Dagger

West Ham 0 Chelsea 3

Watch this one on Sky as I’m on Whovian duty over the weekend, causing DC to text, with some justification, that I’ve been exposed as a part-timer supporting West Hampstead. Nigel’s been to see Mott the Hoople at the O2, but at the end of the game is of the opinion that, “Violence, violence, it’s the only thing that will make them see sense…” Lisa’s got my ticket and has a fair case for a refund, while I can hear the Vicar’s Son swearing at Maiga across London.

We’re not going to beat Chelsea if players make individual errors, but in the first half we do just that. Demel tries to play a silly back pass with his thigh and the ball falls to Oscar, who is brought down by Jussi. A lot of refs might have sent him off, but the keeper escapes without a caution. Big Fat Frank duly whacks home the penalty. For the second goal, Collins gets sucked into making a challenge and Oscar spins behind to coolly put Chelsea 2-0 up.

In the first half it’s increasingly obvious the strikerless formation doesn’t work at home. There was an element of surprise away, but at Upton Park we’re not going to beat teams without strikers - whom I believe were big in the seventies. Even if Cole is not match fit, why not keep him on for the first 60 minutes or so to rough up Terry and co?

Allardyce hauls off Joe Cole and Collison after 40 minutes for Maiga and Diame, and Joe walks straight down the tunnel. We're booed off at the interval.

We play with slightly more spirit in the second half, though Oscar misses a great chance for Chelsea on the break and Noble clears a Cahill header off the line.

The key moment is when Demel does brilliantly to shuffle past three defenders and cross invitingly for Modibo Maiga to produce a world-class miss as he pokes horribly wide.  It sums up the game and poor Maiga’s season. I wonder if Doctor Who has started early as by this stage I’m behind the sofa.

Lampard seals it at the end as he pokes home from the edge of the box after a rebound. Big Fat Frank ostentatiously kisses his Chelsea badge. All that’s left is for Big Sam to claim for the umpteenth time that we need to be more clinical, or indeed be able to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo.                                                                                                      

What can we do now? Diame should be in the team and there’s certainly a case for dropping Nolan who hasn’t scored in 11 games. And we have to start with strikers up front. Give Carlton a game at least and try to get Petric fit… or maybe even, counter-intuitively, try the hapless Maiga alongside a big man in the hope he gets a goal and some confidence back, because he’s never going to score as a solo striker. 

Meanwhile, as the Doctor says: "Our future depends on one single moment of one impossible day, the day I've been running from all my life. The day that Andy Carroll returns to fitness."