Friday, September 5

Situation vacant

Applications are invited for the post of West Ham United Team Manager:

The applicant must have proven abilities in:

Delivering positive outcomes on the football pitch while outsourcing defenders.

Arguing with at least one temperamental first team star after every home match.

Explaining to the press that: “We are a bit thin on the ground” or “down to the bare bones”.

Perusing copies of Nuts and Zoo outside the treatment room.

Facilitating and taking an active role in negotiations for bulk orders of Domino’s pizzas.

Carrying takeaway cups of Rosie Lea from Ken’s CafĂ© to the Director’s Lounge.

Knowledge of dressing room banter would be advantageous, as would taking the piss out of various players’ “gear” and anyone who is “having himself”.

An ability to negotiate football transfers will not be necessary.

West Ham is an equal opportunities employer and does not discriminate on the grounds of race, gender, religion, disability or footballing competence. Although that chippy bloke from Newcastle would be wasting his time.

Please apply in writing to West Ham United FC, The Boleyn Stadium, Green Street, London, E13 9RA.

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