WHU Cup dream over as United ruin Boleyn farewell

Pearly King at the gates of the Boleyn

West Ham 1 Man United 2 (FA Cup)

It’s a little worrying that the programme has pictures of our three FA Cup wins on the front cover and the Evening Standard has a double page spread on “One Last Knockout Night,” with Cup memories from Peter Brabrook, Billy Bonds, Ray Stewart, Tony Gale and Aaron Cressswell. It’s never going to be an easy game against a Man United side fighting to save LVG’s job.

Matt, Lisa and her pal Sue, Michael and myself are in Ken’s Café ridiculously early thanks to the 7pm kick-off, feeling nervous and causing consternation to Billy by pulling a fifth chair round our table. Even DC and his wee man arrive early, suggesting something’s in the air at Upton Park.

We arrive in the East Stand unusually early, beating Fraser for once. Michael is tempted by a plastic bottle of stadium Carlsberg as they’re right out of craft beer.

YOU ONLY LIVE ROUND THE CORNER

There’s a great atmosphere at the start, but it’s soon evident that the expectation might have got to West Ham. United look solid with Rashford and Martial impressing up front and Fosu-Mensah looking a real prospect at the back. As usual, Fellaini, hated by the Mancs fans, looks really impressive against us.

“Where’s your famous atmosphere?” chant the Mancs fans

“You only live round the corner!” comes the response from the Bobby Moore Stand.

Valencia puts a tame effort straight at De Gea early on while Randolph makes fine saves from Fellaini’s deflected shot and Lingard’s low effort. It’s goalless at half-time and Matt sitting in Row D tonight, gives us a long tactical analysis of what’s going wrong with Noble, Payet and Valencia. Geno by Dexys comes on the PA, presumably as a tribute to Slaven’s beanie hat.

BASHED BY RASHFORD 

United take the lead after 54 minutes. Antonio’s pass is blocked and Martial finds Rashford, who shows brilliant footwork to jink between Tomkins and Ogbonna and curl a brilliant effort into the top corner. Thirteen minutes later it’s 2-0 as Lingard crosses and Martial’s shot deflects off a defender on to Fellaini’s thigh and into the net.

We play a lot better when the pressure’s off. De Gea makes a fantastic save to deny Antonio’s prod towards goal from Payet’s corner. On 79 minutes West Ham pull a goal back. From another Payet corner Carroll gets in a towering header and Tomkins bravely stoops to head home.

Suddenly there’s hope we can eke out another 30 minutes of Cup football at Upton Park. Carroll flashes a header just over from Cresswell's cross. In added time Payet’s cross is deflected into the path of Kouyate and De Gea makes a great save. The ball rebounds to Carroll who fires in anther stinging shot only to be denied by the keeper again. Kouyate heads home from De Gea’s parry of Andy’s shot but is marginally offside. Our final corner sums up the evening as Payet finds Noble on the edge of the box but he volleys wildly wide. The Mancs keep the ball to a chorus of “oles” from their fans as the whistle blows.

CONCENTRATING ON THE LEAGUE 

We slump towards the Central. Perhaps the deflating of dreams is a more fitting historical tribute to the Boleyn Ground. At least we can’t mess it up against Everton, Watford or Palace now. And Payet might be less in demand. Michael will be able to go a day of events celebrating the 400^th anniversary of Shakespeare’s birth and Fraser will be able to pitch to a meeting of literary agents on May 21. And I might be able to plan a mini-break in the Lake District. Take the positives. It’s a devalued competition and big teams concentrate on getting into the Champions League.

The mood is thoroughly deflated in the Central. There’s hardly anyone in there.  

“It’s the first time we’ve felt like this since August,” says Fraser, which is a good point, we’ve had a fantastic home run since losing to Bournemouth.

THE LEICESTER DILEMMA

After the third pint of Old Speckled Hen Michael the Whovian offers advice on my moral dilemma of whether we want to beat Leicester on Sunday and hand the title to Spurs or should we be wanting Leicester to win the league for the greater good of football. I’m agonising like Tom Baker in Genesis of the Daleks when he has the chance to destroy the Daleks at birth but asks “Have I the right?”

“You the chronicler of West ham should not be entertaining these thoughts… if the price of West Ham qualifying for the Champions League is Spurs winning the league which is the greater good?” intones Michael like a latterday Prospero to my Hamlet. Though knowing West Ham we might win the league for Spurs and then fail to get into both the Europa League or the Champions League

Fuddled by ale and despair and moral quandaries I forget my bag and dash back to retrieve it from the breakfast tables for the backpackers and head to the station past police dealing with an argument outside the Boleyn and the bouncers at the Queen’s having a row with some punters. Not the way we wanted to say farewell to Cup nights at Upton Park.

But there’s six games left. If we can win the home games against Watford, Swansea and Man United and get something at WBA and Stoke then we can still achieve something special. But for now our Cup Final breakfast at Nigel’s is going to have to be postponed for another season. Thirty seven years of hurt never stopped me dreaming.

PLAYER RATINGS: Randolph 7; Antonio 6, Ogbonna 6, Tomkins 7, Cresswell 6; Noble 6, Kouyate 6, Payet 6, Lanzini 6 (Emenike 5); Valencia 5 (Moses 6), Carroll 7.

Diafra Sakho: he leaves when he wants?

Several papers mention the mysterious absence of Diafra Sakho from the team and the bench against Arsenal. The Daily Star claims that Sakho trained as normal on Friday but reported a knee injury after not making the starting XI and then didn't go to the game. It also cites Sakho's snapchat post of, “When I am hated I don’t give a f**k. I do everything I can to be more hated.” The Star claims that Sakho is suffering from "personal problems" and mentions his arrest over a domestic incident earlier this season (though charges were dropped) and crashing into his Lamborghini into the garden wall of a house in Hornchurch in January. 

The Guardian match report by Jacob Steinberg also mentions Sakho: "It is understood that he reported a minor problem to West Ham's medical staff after training on Friday, with sources close to the striker claiming that a cryptic message he posted on social media in the early hours of Saturday morning was not related to his omission. But would Sakho be available against Man United? 'I don't think so,' Bilic said." 

Meanwhile tonight's Evening Standard claims that Sakho's future at the club is in doubt after his behaviour, reporting: "Sakho was angry last Friday when learning that he was being left out of the starting line-up for the following day’s game. He apparently made his feelings clear before leaving the training ground after reporting a knee injury."

Seems like something is going on with Diafra. A shame, as with Carroll always likely to get an injury and Emenike not entirely convincing as yet, we need a fit Sakho for the run-in.

Andy Carroll unstoppable as ref robs Hammers again in six-goal thriller

West Ham 3 Arsenal 3

There’s a long wait in Ken’s Café at high noon as we make a late bid to get served before 12.45pm and this time it’s me who has to demolish egg, chips and beans in two minutes at 12.35pm. Michael and Matt are discussing Mark Almond musicals as we wonder if Nigel thinks it’s a 3pm kick-off. He makes a late appearance to confirm that he hates Soft Cell even more than The Smiths, before we make a run to the East Stand where Fraser is mentally composing his Victorian novel about gunslingers that isn’t a Western.

There’s a great atmosphere in the stadium and a rousing “We’ve got Payet!” going round all four stands. Andy Carroll picks up a needless booking in the third minute by fouling Koscielny and we worry he’s too fired up. A few minutes later Carroll’s overhead kick is headed into the net by Lanzini but is incorrectly disallowed for offside by referee Craig Pawson.

TWO-NIL TO THE ARSENAL

That would have been a great start but our back five, with Tomkins and Antonio on the right is looking unsure and Reid and Ogbonna are having trouble tracking the runs of Sanchez. Monreal dives in the box and is still on the ground claiming a penalty as Iwobi finds Ozil The prone and offside Monreal moves out of Ozil’s way to allow the Gunner to score and West Ham to vainly appeal for offside.

“You’re just a c*** with a whistle!" goes up from the home fans.

It gets worse as Iwobi finds Sanchez who has drifted through our defence and slots home.

“You’re gonna win fuck all!” sing the gleeful Arsenal fans.

“We could be on for a heavy beating here,” suggests Nigel.

“Could be another 4-0,” I concur.

Antonio rouses the crowd by winning a tackle and playing a fine crossfield ball and Carroll turns and has a decent shot saved. But we’re still looking to keep it down to 2-0 and regroup at half-time.

“Arsenal are like Leicester but with a Rolls Royce engine,” muses Michael, as Mystic May suggests, rather hopefully, that the Gunners might still be suspect at the back.

DER DER DER DER! DER ANDY CARROLL!

On 44 minutes Cresswell swings in a cross and Carroll is allowed time to get a run on the defender and head home. That changes things before half-time. Only it gets better. In added time a west Ham corner is punched clear by Ospina and Noble does really well to beat his man and cross it back in. Andy Carroll mishits his first shot against Gabriel but then athletically volleys home the rebound to cause pandemonium at the Boleyn and run towards the corner doing his Angel of the North celebration. 2-2 and what a half.

Matt notes that the PA plays The Cult at half-time and we wonder if the referee is a cult with a whistle. Instead of discussing how to keep the score down, we’re talking about whether Andy Carroll could get a hat-trick and go to the Euros with England. Though he’s also the sort of player who might then get sent of taking off his shirt while celebrating.

Emineke comes on for Tomkins as West Ham revert to a flat back four and start the second half by going at the Gunners. Arsenal complain as Carroll escapes censure for jumping with an arm in Gabriel’s face, but it looked accidental to me as Carroll was looking at the ball wen jumping. Lanzini has a penalty appeal turned down and then Carroll chases down Koscielny and in a muddle with Ospina, Payet taps the loose ball home. Looked like a 50/50 tussle, but the ref disallows another West ham goal.

West Ham will not be thwarted; Andy Carroll plays a great ball out wide to Antonio on the right. The Shakespearian winger beats Monreal and dinks in a great cross for Carroll to hang above Bellerin and power home a header for a seven-minute hat-trick. Cue an eruption of arms in the Bobby Moore Stand as Andy runs over to our corner flag and Mark Noble sensibly jumps on him to ensure he keeps his shirt on. Has to be Carroll’s best performance for the Hammers.

TWO-NIL AND YOU F••KED IT UP!

“Who are yer!” and “Two nil and you fucked it up!” chant the WHU fans.

To their credit, Arsenal keep calm and come back into the game with Ozil prominent. Lanzini clears off the line from Monreal and Arsenal bring on Giroud and Ramsey, which is worrying. They equalise when Giroud’s clever flick to Ozil sees Welbeck mishit the ball to Koscielny who fires home. Winston Reid should probably have been tighter.

There’s still time for Ospina to nervously tip away efforts from Payet and Cresswell as both sides go for the winner. Payet makes several great runs in from the left but chooses the wrong option after beating three players.

The tension’s getting to Matt, who in language the Archbishop of Canterbury might not approve of, berates Adrian for making a poor clearance, Dimitri for not passing to Emineke but instead waiting for a free kick this ref's never going to give and the hapless ref for not sending off Gabriel for kicking out at Carroll (the Arsenal man escapes as the ref has already penalised Big Andy for a foul.)

It’s breathless stuff and like one of the mad high-scoring games from the Greenwood era. Well, we wanted to be entertained, and nobody respects the point here. Somehow it ends at 3-3 and Bubbles and If The Kids Are United comes on the PA as the players salute the crowd. Four games in a row now that we've had some dubious decisions and we wonder if there's a conspiracy against West Ham organised by the CIA and aliens from Roswell. Though personally I think it's been orchestrated by the people who faked the Moon landings.

So it’s off to the beer garden at the Central, where we muse over a fantastic game among the iffy charity collectors and dvd sellers as we wait for Matt’s mate Peggsy. A point won’t get us into the Champions League and some dodgy refereeing has cost us again — but after a game like that who really cares?

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 7; Antonio 8, Tomkins 5 (Emenike 5), Reid 5, Ogbonna 5, Cresswell 7; Noble 7, Kouyate 7, Payet 7, Lanzini 8; Carroll 9.

Euston has no problem with The Rib Man

Mark Gevaux, the Rib Man from outside the Boleyn has already made the pages of the Observer. Just discovered he's now got a stall outside Euston station, complete with crossed hammers on his sign. Wonder if it's too late for Ken's Cafe to become a franchise as well and open branches all over Britain?

The referee's a rescinder!

So Kouyate's red card has been rescinded. That's the third red card West Ham have had overturned this season: Mark Noble against Liverpool, Kouyate against Blackburn and now Cheikhou again after some very quick card flashing by Mark Clattenburg. So we are more rescinded against than sinning. Won't bring back the two points we dropped, but good news Kouyate's available to face Arsenal.

Kouyate red card allows Palace comeback

West Ham 2 Crystal Palace 2

In Ken’s Café Michael the Possible Whovian has brought along a bona fide Whovian in his Rangers-supporting mate Charlie, a man who has acted in Big Finish Doctor Who audio dramas and was once an auctioneer at a West Ham function (even if they had mistaken him for Charlie Ross off Bargain Hunt). We’re joined by Lisa, a late replacement for Matt who’s suffering from lack of sleep and vertigo, and Nigel, who’s just got a new job, narrowly avoiding becoming a dodgy dvd seller in the Central. There’s a late cameo from DC and his wee man and astonishingly Michael gets to eat his big breakfast before the kick-off.

“We’re playing a team that hasn’t won in 2016, what could possibly go wrong?” I venture at the kick-off.

Luckily Matt the vicar’s son isn’t here, as you’d fear for his blood pressure with Mark Clattenburg in charge. Early on Clattenburg waves play on after Emenike is felled on the edge of the box, setting the tone for an erratic performance. Soon he’s booked Noble and Reid too.

Palace’s luck appears to have turned after 15 minutes, as Adrian palms a free kick up in the air and straight on to the head of Delaney, who heads home from a tight angle.

But Palace betray their lack of confidence by conceding within three minutes. Antonio overlaps to get in a fine cross, Sakho heads it back and it’s deflected by a defender into the path of Manuel Lanzini who controls in an instant and fires past Hennessey. That’s Manuel’s seventh of the season.

Palace isn’t the easy match many anticipated though, and at 1-1 Puncheon knees over an inviting cross from Bolasie.

HE'S BETTER THAN ZIDANE 

But the thing is we’ve got Payet. Dimitri has already sent one early free kick over the bar, when he’s felled by Ward on the edge of the box. Hennessey puts seven defenders in the wall, but it night as well be 17, as Payet simply pings the ball up in the air and dipping into the top corner. A sumptuous goal and the whole ground bursts into a rapturous, ‘We’ve got Payet!” It’s still sung in a tone of incredulity by most fans. We’ve got the East End Messi. Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott has just been proved wrong; you can change the the laws of physics, Captain. 

Nigel’s happy that Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses comes on the PA at half-time and all seems for the best in the best of all possible worlds as we then spot Time Lord Donald Sumpter in the concourse. Michael and Charlie ponder whether to say, “Get off my planet!” to him as we consider appearing at the final home game in full Time Lord regalia.

It’s a scrappy start to the second half though, and we’re not looking like a Champions League side. Kouyate plays a poor back pass forcing Adrian to dash from his goal and makes a decent save. The ball falls to Sako and only a brilliant goal line clearance by Cresswell prevents a goal.

KOUYATE RED CARDED

With his mind still on that dodgy back pass, Kouyate then miscontrols and lunges into a sliding tackle on Gayle. He wins the ball but his feet are off the ground and Clattenburg gives a straight red. Harsh, as a yellow would surely have been sufficient as it was a clumsy rather than malicious challenge. Though Kouyate should have known not to take chances with a ref like Clattenburg.

“It’s always difficult to play against ten men,” I counsel, though Palace don’t seem to agree. Our subs don’t work either, as Valencia still looks jet-lagged and Carroll doesn’t get much service and fires shots into defenders’ legs.

“You’re just a c••• with a whistle!” chant the home fans.

“Good old East End wit,” muses Nigel.

There’s a warning when Sako volleys horribly wide from Bolasie’s cross. Palace equalise with a bit of a comedy goal as Ogbonna volleys Souare’s cross against the legs of Reid and Gayle pounces for an easy goal and celebrates in front of the away fans.  

The stadium clocks have still stopped, and as time seems to coagulate it’s a case of respect the point at this stage as only a great block from Reid denies Sako a winner. The final whistle blows to a rousing chorus of “the referee’s a wanker!”

Still, maybe it’s a sign of progress that a draw feels like a defeat as Man City have won 4-0. We retreat to the Central where the dodgy dvd seller is back, the Old Speckled Hen is chilled and Michael and Charlie are looking forward to an evening watching East End Edna at the Carpenters in Kings Cross.

A shame Payet’s goal didn’t win it as we’ve seen another moment of genius. But as Slaven says, we have to keep playing football and get on with it. Perhaps the pressure got to West Ham a little today, and we need to cut out the defensive errors in the six-pointer against Arsenal.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 5; Antonio 6, Reid 7, Ogbonna 6, Cresswell 7; Noble 6 (Obiang 6), Kouyate 5, Payet 8, Lanzini 7; Emineke 5 (Carroll 5), Sakho 6 (Valencia 5). 

Bend it like Dimitri

Another stunning 37-yard fee kick from Dimitri Payet for France against Russia. Love the French commentator drooling that it is "execeptionelle!" That's his fourth of the season, coming after superb free kicks against Bournemouth, Blackburn and Man United. So let's hope Palace, who give away a lot of fee kicks, concede a few more this afternoon. And counter-intuitively, Palace will be so worried about Payet, it might also be worth letting Aaron Cresswell take at least one of them just because he'll have the element of surprise. Irons!