In Ken’s Café Michael the Possible Whovian has brought along
a bona fide Whovian in his Rangers-supporting mate Charlie, a man who has acted
in Big Finish Doctor Who audio dramas
and was once an auctioneer at a West Ham function (even if they had mistaken
him for Charlie Ross off Bargain Hunt).
We’re joined by Lisa, a late replacement for Matt who’s suffering from lack of
sleep and vertigo, and Nigel, who’s just got a new job, narrowly avoiding becoming a
dodgy dvd seller in the Central. There’s a late cameo from DC and his wee man
and astonishingly Michael gets to eat his big breakfast before the kick-off.
“We’re playing a team that hasn’t won in 2016, what could
possibly go wrong?” I venture at the kick-off.
Luckily Matt the vicar’s son isn’t here, as you’d fear for his
blood pressure with Mark Clattenburg in charge. Early on Clattenburg waves play
on after Emenike is felled on the edge of the box, setting the tone for an
erratic performance. Soon he’s booked Noble and Reid too.
Palace’s luck appears to have turned after 15 minutes, as
Adrian palms a free kick up in the air and straight on to the head of Delaney,
who heads home from a tight angle.
But Palace betray their lack of confidence by conceding
within three minutes. Antonio overlaps to get in a fine cross, Sakho heads it
back and it’s deflected by a defender into the path of Manuel Lanzini who
controls in an instant and fires past Hennessey. That’s Manuel’s seventh of the
season.
Palace isn’t the easy match many anticipated though, and at
1-1 Puncheon knees over an inviting cross from Bolasie.
But the thing is we’ve got Payet. Dimitri has already sent
one early free kick over the bar, when he’s felled by Ward on the edge of the
box. Hennessey puts seven defenders in the wall, but it night as well be 17, as
Payet simply pings the ball up in the air and dipping into the top corner. A
sumptuous goal and the whole ground bursts into a rapturous, ‘We’ve got Payet!”
It’s still sung in a tone of incredulity by most fans. We’ve got the East End
Messi. Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott has just been proved wrong; you can change the the laws of physics, Captain.
Nigel’s happy that Welcome
to the Jungle by Guns and Roses comes on the PA at half-time and all seems
for the best in the best of all possible worlds as we then spot Time Lord
Donald Sumpter in the concourse. Michael and Charlie ponder whether to say,
“Get off my planet!” to him as we consider appearing at the final home game in
full Time Lord regalia.
It’s a scrappy start to the second half though, and we’re
not looking like a Champions League side. Kouyate plays a poor back pass forcing
Adrian to dash from his goal and makes a decent save. The ball falls to Sako and
only a brilliant goal line clearance by Cresswell prevents a goal.
KOUYATE RED CARDED
“It’s always difficult to play against ten men,” I counsel,
though Palace don’t seem to agree. Our subs don’t work either, as Valencia
still looks jet-lagged and Carroll doesn’t get much service and fires shots
into defenders’ legs.
“You’re just a c••• with a whistle!” chant the home fans.
“Good old East End wit,” muses Nigel.
There’s a warning when Sako volleys horribly wide from
Bolasie’s cross. Palace equalise with a bit of a comedy goal as Ogbonna volleys
Souare’s cross against the legs of Reid and Gayle pounces for an easy goal and
celebrates in front of the away fans.
The stadium clocks have still stopped, and as time seems to
coagulate it’s a case of respect the point at this stage as only a great block
from Reid denies Sako a winner. The final whistle blows to a rousing chorus of
“the referee’s a wanker!”
Still, maybe it’s a sign of progress that a draw feels like
a defeat as Man City have won 4-0. We retreat to the Central where the dodgy
dvd seller is back, the Old Speckled Hen is chilled and Michael and Charlie are
looking forward to an evening watching East End Edna at the Carpenters in Kings
Cross.
A shame Payet’s goal didn’t win it as we’ve seen another
moment of genius. But as Slaven says, we have to keep playing football and get
on with it. Perhaps the pressure got to West Ham a little today, and we need to
cut out the defensive errors in the six-pointer against Arsenal.
PLAYER RATINGS:
Adrian 5; Antonio 6, Reid 7, Ogbonna 6, Cresswell 7; Noble 6 (Obiang 6),
Kouyate 5, Payet 8, Lanzini 7; Emineke 5 (Carroll 5), Sakho 6 (Valencia 5).
5 comments:
What annoyed me most was the speed at which Crappenberg whipped out the yellows for Reid and Noble - he had his hand in his pocket before the event. Noble's - for me - was a just good old fashioned combatative 50/50 tackle; he took the ball cleanly on the stretch and the player went over his leg.
As for the red, he just went straight his pocket, like Kouyate had broken the rules by bringing a gun to a knife fight. Contrast the speed of our cards with the succession of fouls by Palace that went uncarded until it was too late make any difference to the way they approached the remainder of the game.
OK, both Palace goals were comedy contribution from players who obviously hadn't realised Noble's testimonial was last week, but it still feels like yet another two points stolen from us by dodgy reffing.
Yep, Palace seemed to do lots of niggly fouls without punishment, particularly late on like when Obiang was brought down running down the wing. Clattenburg should have thought about the Kouyate challenge before deciding what to do. But i remember him booking ten WHHu players at QPR once so always expect endless cards...
I might be biased but is this season, at home at least, the worst for refs/linesman? Or are the away team better at fooling them than ever? Obviously our lads are above reproach!!
If you are suggesting my legendary cool could be affected by that pompous, priggish, preening, narcissistic, egotistical, incompetent idiot Clattenburg....
We've had three red cards rescinded already MJ so you might be right. And yes Matt, even your newfound karma might have been derailed by Clattenburg.
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