In the Best Cafe Michael and Nigel are ordering double halloumi baguettes and chips for a tardy Matt and Lisa. Matt has worked his customary magic at the Euros by saying England haven't done much at corners just before Chloe Kelly scored, while Lisa is making her debut as a season ticket holder (what has she done?).
Nigel is full of interesting stats from the Times, including the fact that Nikola Vlasic tops the list for appearances without playing a full 90 minutes last season, and that Brighton are playing four teams called United in their first four fixtures (Manchester, Newcastle, West Ham and Leeds) for the first time in 48 years. Not a lot of people know that.
There's almost a programme disaster as we arrive at the ground only to see the last programme being sold. Matt remains Zen-like, but Nigel and myself desperately search inside the security zone for more and eventually find a last box on sale in the WHU tent. Nigel barges into the queue, elbows aside a few children and grannies and manages to buy our progs — even though it's gone up to four quid. What will Liz Truss do to tackle programme inflation?
Inside the stadium we're joined by Fraser, wearing a natty Albert Steptoe/David Essex-style neckerchief, possibly in celebration of Moyes finally buying a striker. Sadder news is that Alison and Scott have retired with Mark Noble, though West Ham will surely buy them back for a massive fee in a few years' time.
West Ham have a decent first two minutes, force a corner and then see Antonio head over from Fornals' cross. After that City take control, with full-backs Cancelo and Walker pushed into midfield and Lanzini, Fornals, Soucek and Rice outnumbered and outthought.
Haaland almost gets his head to Foden's cross as it becomes attack versus defence and the Grealish Sniper reappears. Fabianski has to go off after injuring his hip while making a brave punch and is replaced by Areola. When Gundogan plays Haaland through, the substitute keeper hesitates for a second and then brings down the £51m striker. Haaland confidently dispatches the penalty and does a sit-down meditation celebration — possibly in honour of Matt's new found indifference to pleasure, pain and programme collecting.
At half-time Nigel deploys his lucky banana and the Irons have a slightly better start to the second half. The key moment comes when Rice gets under the ball and fires over the bar when he should have scored.
SCAMA THE HAMMER
Subs Scamacca and Benrahma at least give City something different to think about. The big Italian tests Ederson with a fine header only to be ruled offside. He is a handful and despite his lack of pre-season games looks like he can adapt quickly to the PL. Benrahma also tests Ederson with a low shot, but with space now available the inevitable happens. Rodri finds De Bruyne, who dissects the West Ham centre-backs with a fine ball. Haaland shifts the ball on to his left foot and strokes home. "We're not really here!" sing the away fans.
After that it's a question of how many City will get on a very hot afternoon. It's been a strangely passive performance against a great team. When I remark that our pressing game isn't working Michael says, quite accurately, "we're playing a de-pressing game."
There's nearly a fight behind us as the over-aggressive fan who has been giving expletive-laden advice to the side to just effing run (not that wise in 27C) is told to just say it in his head by a man whose patience has snapped. There's a lot of Boris-style bluster as the Vicar's Son asks, "why can't some fans just stay positive?"
Haaland misses a good chance to get a hat-trick and Coventry and Downes make their PL debuts in a minute-long cameo. West Ham scored in every home PL game last season, now that record has been blown in one match. To be fair, the Irons have been without the much-missed Dawson, Aguerd and Diop, who has shoddily "not made himself available" according to Moyes, while Scamacca and Cornet will improve the side. This result does not define our season and at least we only have to play City once more.
We walk via the giant bell exit to the Eagle at Leyton – a decent boozer with plenty of room and the Who on the jukebox, even if it's lacking in decent beers. The landlady is friendly and one customer who announces, "I'm a born-again virgin!' seems to have taken a shine to our table. Inspired by the fracas behind us at the LS, Matt reminisces about rows between our own supporters, including the time a fan announced that Mattie Etherington was the worst player he had ever seen, only to be quickly corrected with a list of numerous WHU non-legends.
The game against Forest and Brighton will give us a much better idea of how the season will go. But this was nothing like the team that disrupted City in the 2-2 draw at the end of last season and a rapid improvement is now needed.
PLYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6 (Areola 5); Coufal 5, Zouma 6, Johnson 5, Cresswell 5; Rice 6, Soucek 5; Fornals 5 (Coventry n/a), Lanzini 5 (Benrahma 6), Bowen 5 (Downes n/a); Antonio 5 (Scamacca 6).
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