It's another early BT Sport start at 12.30pm for this one. Nigel has gone to the wrong Stratford for his birthday, rather than showing CQ a good time at the Best Cafe with our own resident Bard Michael the Whovian. Matt's wearing his possibly lucky sapphire third choice away strip, and we're joined by Lisa, Fraser and returning Clacton duo Scott and Alison, who just might be a jinx. Scott predicts a 3-2 home win, as if that will happen.
For half an hour the game is fairly even with Fabianski saving from James but fairly few chances and lot of chants telling Chelsea where to stick their blue flag. That's until 28 minutes when Thiago heads home unopposed from a corner, having lost Antonio. That's unlike West Ham, but soon the Irons are back in it. Coufal has a shot cleared off the line, then Jorghino plays a dodgy back pass, Mendy dawdles and Bowen is alert enough to nick the ball before being being brought down by the keeper. Despite a lot of verbals from the Chelsea players Manuel Lanzini wallops an excellent penalty into the top corner.
Then the injury curse of Mystic Morris strikes again. Zouma has already been down and now Johnson appears to pull a muscle just as he's tracking Mason Mount. The Chelsea man volleys a spectacular goal into the bottom corner and then unwisely celebrates in front of the West Ham Fans. Luckily Fraser doesn't order a pitch invasion. Johnson is replaced by Arthur Masuaku. Matt promises to be positive and reminisces about Arthur's only goal for the Hammers.
JARROD BOWEN'S ON FIRE
At the break it looks like Chelsea will go on to show their Champions League-winning credentials and pass us into submission. But Moyes has clearly put something in Antonio's tea and Michail is looking a lot more lively and starting to bully Chelsea's defenders, while Bowen is threatening on the break and the side is much more on the front foot. Suddenly we're level as Coufal flicks on to Jarrod Bowen who fires a brilliant finish into the bottom corner and runs to the Bobby Moore End foe a knee-slide celebration. Clearly he's on fire. And never underestimate the resilience of this Hammers side.
Can we hold on for a 2-2 draw? Zouma has to go off having injured himself tackling Ziyech and we really are down to Harry's bare bones as Chelsea bring on the £90m Lukaku. Antonio wins possession to put in a great cross for Bowen to poke just wide when he should probably score. Chelsea lob endless balls into our box and Jorginho's shot is deflected wide off Diop.
KING ARTHUR
We seem to be holding out in the 87th minute when Arthur Masuaku receives the ball on the left. He stops and gets in a brilliant cross that sails over the flailing Mendy and into the corner to spark mayhem. IT'S ARRTHUUUUUR!! Masuaku holds his arms up in a Cantona-esque gesture of aloof brilliance. None of us have ever doubted King Arthur, especially the Vicar's Son who has always viewed Arthur as a maverick genius and has now seen his idol score his first goal in the Premier League.
"West Ham are Massive everywhere we go!" rings round the stadium for the four minutes of added time. The part0-timers in the Chelsea end have left a bank of empty seats. Bowen is set up by Antonio and almost scores a fourth, bending the ball past the post. Finally the whistle blows. We have beaten Man United, Man City, Liverpool and now Chelsea. Alison has been relieved of her jinx label and Nigel is dancing in the streets of Stratford-upon-Avon.
It's all slightly surreal to be heading to Stratford with a crowd of 60,000 fans singing "Whoah Arthur Masuaku, he's better than Lukaku!" We head off to the Theatre Royal bar for some deserved pints of Atlantic IPA and a rendezvous with Dan Dan the Wrestling Man (who strangely hasn't bet on Arthur to score) as Michael contemplates a theatrical trip to Hornchurch. Matt suggests that it might all be like Doctor Who and we will suddenly wake up out of this timestream and find ourselves back in London in 2021. We have seemingly beaten the European Champions and their blue flag has been inserted in a most unusual place. It seems we are Massive. Irons!
PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Coufal 8, Dawson 7, Zouma 7 (Fornals 7), Diop 8, Johnson 7 (Masuaku 9); Rice 9, Soucek 8, Lanzini 8 (Benrahma n/a), Bowen 8; Antonio 8.
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