Hammer horror show continues

West Ham 1 Chelsea 5

In the Best Meze Cafe Matt has been served two-thirds of a pint of rosé wine, which is probably just as well allowing for what is to follow. Michael arrives wearing a cryptic t-shirt reading "Underestimate Me" and as the falafel and haloumi mushrooms arrive we commiserate with Big Sam on his misfortune in buying a season ticket. In the stadium we find CQ and Nigel, wearing a Helsinki t-shirt purchased on a train holiday around Finland.

The crowd seem up for it at the start and Cole Palmer has been withdrawn after the warm-up. Surely we can't be as bad as at Sunderland? After six minutes Estevao plays a loose ball, Diouf feeds Paqueta who isn't challenged and races towards the box to send a brilliant swerving shot into the top of the net past a despairing Sanchez. That's more like the old Lucas.

It's the perfect start as the crowd tell Chelsea where to insert their blue flag. Now we have something to defend, only that's the problem. Nine minutes later Chelsea get a corner. Cucurella gets above Paqueta ro flick on at the near post and Joao Pedro rises above Todibo and Fullkrug to head home. Its a simple set-piece goal that we just shouldn't concede. The defence is still not doing the basics.

West Ham's response appears to be good as Todibo plays a one-two with Paqueta to get down the right and cross. Kilman fires into a defender but Fullkrug gets the rebound and slams the ball past Sanchez. Cue sodding VAR and Todibo being adjudged offside by a toe.

West Ham then concede another sloppy goal. Diouf plays a difficult ball to Paqueta on the edge of the box, Lucas falls over and claims a foul but Chelsea play on. West Ham don't, and Joao Pedro crosses for Neto to get behind Wan-Bissaka and volley home. We're not good enough to play it out from the back

Soucek and Ward-Prowse are being by-passed in midfield as Chelsea dominate. Brazilian wonderkid Estevao skates through our defence and past Soucek to cross for Hernandez to score. Again Wan-Bissaka, a talented player having a terrible game, has let his man get in front of him.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time, though we are sensing that having produced only one trophy in 45 years it might be losing its power. Potter takes off Todibo for Freddie Potts and Fullkrug for Wilson.

It doesn't get better. From a Chelsea corner Hermansen flaps hopelessly at the ball and pals the ball to Caicedo who shoots home.Four minutes later another Chelsea corner sees Hermansen bullied out of it, admittedly not protected much by his defenders, and is on the ground as Chalobah scores. We start to remember the days of Roberto and Allen McKnight. It was a mistake to bring Hermansen in so soon after signing and he has to be dropped now for Areola. His confidence is shot and it won't have been helped by the crowd giving ironic cheers late on when he does catch the ball. 

CHELSEA DAGGER

Five-one down after 58 minutes, with three goals conceded from corners. Luckily Chelsea decide to ease up and bring on some subs. West Ham do make a few chances. Kilman and Aguerd head over from corners, Potts has a shot well-saved by Sanchez and Wilson dawdles instead of shooting, opting to pass to Walker-Peters who has a low effort cleared from in front of the line. 

Michael looks mournfully towards fourth official James Mainwaring and declares, "We're doomed, we're all doomed!" Matt agrees that at least the ref had a good game. West Ham leave the pitch to boos from those fans left, though Nigel does at least spot his West Ham pal from the Hawkwind concert.

Ye Olde Black Bull is clean out of whisky and revolvers but does have some cold Brixton Pale Ale to help us as the TV plays Jamie Redknapp and Robert Green on Sky dissecting our frailties. Potter hasn't made any difference in eight months and can't get his team doing basic defending. On Sky Robert Green suggests that he plays three centre-backs because he doesn't trust any of them. Eight goals conceded in two games and Potter is in big trouble. Should we lose to Wolves, Forest and Spurs Potter might, like Nigel and CQ in Helsinki, be expecting the Finnish. 

But it's not just the manager, the club is suffering from years of bad decisions made by the owners. We still don't know why Moyes didn't sign that new contract in January 2024 with West Ham sixth, but those fans who appeared on phone-ins saying Moyes was holding us back are looking pretty silly now.

Just to round it off the Mildmay line train is full of horrible Chelsea fans singing "Three more years, three more years Graham Potter!" to round off the pain. The world is bad enough without this. West Ham urgently need a leader on the pitch, someone who can defend corners, two athletic midfielders and a manager who can inspire much better performances from a still-talented squad. Apart from that everything is fine.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 3; Wan-Bissaka 3, Todibo 3 (Potts 5), Kilman 3, Aguerd 3, Diouf 4; Soucek 3 (Walker-Peters 5), Ward-Prowse 3, Paqueta 6; Bowen 4, Fullkrug 5 (Wilson 5).

Stuck in the middle

West Ham have been linked with more midfield players than you can shake a rolled-up contract at. This was always the area most in need of attention and the club has been linked with a plethora of talent this summer. Douglas Luiz always seemed unlikely, as did Jacob Ramsey who has since gone to Newcastle and also Jack Grealish, who is now on loan at Everton along with the Grealish sniper. 

The Hammers have recently had a £30 million bid for Southampton's Mateus Fernandes knocked back, with the Saints saying they value him at £50 million, which seems far too much for a player from a relegated side. The club has since come back with an improved offer. 

Meanwhile we seem to have had 57 varieties of bids elsewhere, with a reported £45million bid for Chelsea's Brazilian midfielder Andrey Santos. Another name in the frame is Lille's Ngal'ayel Mukau (the real Mukau?) and also Barcelona's Marc Casado, though whether he would want to leave Las Ramblas for Westfield is questionable.And now the Evening Standard adds Werder Bremen’s Romano Schmid and Lens midfielder Andy Diouf to that extensive list. While we're still waiting on Godot from Beckett FC. The pessimist in me is already thinking we won't get any of them. What is clear is that the next 11 days of the transfer window are vital to the Potter project. 

It looks like Edson Alvarez is about to be loaned to Fenerbache to free up space and Rodriguez could be going to Saudi Arabia. For all the pessimism the Irons have some classy attackers in Bowen, Fullkrug, Paqueta, Summerville and Callum Wilson. But we desperately need that midfield energy to supply them. Is it too late to put out a call on LinkedIn? Or perhaps entice Billy Bonds out of retirement?

Hammers mauled by Black Cats

Sunderland 3 West Ham 0

It's always dangerous listening to games on the radio at home as we inevitably lose. It's a case of meet the new midfield, same as the old midfield. Potter opts for Rodriguez, a player the club is trying to offload, Ward-Prowse and Paqueta in front of the five-man defence when surely Soucek or Alvarez would be better for a game against a feisty newly-promoted side. Hermansen gets the nod in goal ahead of Areola.

Early on Bowen does well to fire a shot against keeper Roefs' legs and the speedy Diarra has an effort well-saved by Hermansen. The full-backs don't really get forward much apart from Fullkrug setting up a fine goalbound effort from Diouf, which is saved by a block from Ballard.

You expect West Ham to step it up after the break but it's Sunderland who take the lead. It's a fairly simple cross that sees Mayenda get in front of Aguerd to loop his header into the corner. Could the keeper have got across his goal quicker? The ball seems to go in in slow motion.That gives the home crowd a big boost. 

It's two when the towering Ballard meets another cross by out-jumping Paqueta. We've spent £110 million on our three central defenders and shouldn't be conceding headers like these.

Potter acts too late, bringing on Wilson and Soucek before finally abandoning the five-man defence by taking off Todibo for Andy Irvine in the final ten minutes. The Portobello Pirlo does put in a decent free kick that flicks of a Sunderland defender and has to be tipped over by Roefs.

With the Hammers forced to press Sunderland get a third in added time from a West Ham corner. Isidor breaks at speed, Diouf doesn't get in a challenge, Hermansen gets a hand to the ball without stopping it and and it's three-nil. 

You've got to feel sorry for Big Joe who is at the match reading his copy of Granta among the Makems. To make it worse Kudus has made two goals for Spurs. Still, as my pal Matt suggests, it could all be a masterclass from Potter designed to convince Sullivan to spend big on a new midfield. Paqueta has been anonymous despite his FA charges reprieve. Does he want to go or stay?

Are we in for a relegation struggle after one game? This game was always going to be difficult but West Ham shouldn't be getting walloped by a newly-promoted side full of new players. The side is looking stale and the build up us still one-paced. A big big improvement is required against Chelsea.

First trophy of the season!

West Ham 1 Lille 1 (West Ham won on pens 5-4) (Boyle Sports Cup)

Well, at least we've reached a cup final. Watching the Boyle Sports Cup on the WHU feed reveals a few pointers on how Potter might approach the season. As on the US tour he's gone for three centre backs and it's good to see Nayef Aguerd back at the club. Generally the defence looks a lot more solid without the Greek Bloke, though with good coaching perhaps Potter can help eliminate the mistakes in Dinos's game.

The downside is that Lille look the better side in the first half and the midfield is outnumbered. Freddie Potts is neat and defends well but doesn't look as yet what we need in the Premier League, while Ward-Prowse goes close with one shot and takes a lot of free kicks but is not really the answer either. Paqueta picks up a silly booking and never gets going as West Ham show a reluctance to play the ball forwards. 

Bowen fires against the keeper's legs but West Ham prove they are still adept at conceding before the break. Wan-Bissaka plays Olivier Giroud onside and the former Arsenal man chests it down to volley home a fine goal.

Things improve a bit in the second half as Diouf and Wan-Bissaka get forward more and the side shows more aggression. Todibo and Kilman make things happen a couple of times stepping up from the back most notably when Kilman's run sets up Bowen to pull the ball wide.

It's a decent test against a side that finished fifth in the French league. Aguerd heads over from a corner. Fullkrug has a header tipped away by Bodart and a training ground free-kick routine sees him fire over. Bringing on Walker-Peters, Rodriguez and Soucek makes a difference.

With three minutes left the big German is not to be denied. Some diligent pressing of the keeper sees Walker-Peters and Bowen win the ball back and feed Soucek, who pulls back for Niclas to score. The cup dream remains on.

In the shoot-out Fullkrug hits the first penalty too tamely, having also had one saved in the Betway Cup last season, prompting Matt to quip that we have signed the only German striker not to be able to take a penalty. Everyone else scores though and it's left to Alphonse Areola, looking increasing like one of the Three Musketeers with his new Barnet and 'tache, to make a couple of smart penalty saves. That will do his confidence some good in the battle for the no 1 spot with Mads Hermansen. Kilman scores his penalty and we've won the cup. 

So a slightly sheepish-looking Jarrod Bowen picks up the Boyle Sports Cup and Diouf gets to pick up a trophy before he's played a league match. The quadruple remains on!

Hammers opt for Mads man in goal

West Ham's offer of £18 million has been accepted by Leicester City for goalkeeper Mads Hermansen. The club were said to be about to sign John Victor from Botafogo, though clearly you don't get many Victors at West Ham. The Hammers are opting for a few years of living Danishly with Lucasz Fabianski gone and Hermansen always appeared to be Potter's first choice. He will surely challenge and possibly replace Alphonse Areola. 

Hermansen certainly had a fine game when Leicester beat West Ham 3-1 in Ruud Van Nistelrooy's first game in charge, making great saves from Bowen and Kudus (but then every new signing has invariably done well against us). Mads got plenty of practice with Leicester as they went down with a whimper, but still managed to look a decent keeper. He also played in their Championship winning side. At 25 he's a good age for a goalkeeper and is thought to be better with his feet than the Fonz. 

Meanwhile Michail Antonio has been released, which always seemed inevitable. He was a fading force even before his terrible car crash and it seems unlikely he'll play at the top level again, though it would be nice to see him retained at the club in some other role. Still, we'll always have those carpet-stroking goal celebrations. Antonio at his best was at times unplayable and has been at West Ham since the Bilic season at Upton Park when we finished seventh. He played with the enthusiasm of a man who'd come up from non-league football and really blossomed as a converted striker under David Moyes. No-one ever knew quite what he'd do next, including both fans and defenders. Micky will be missed.

Is signing Wilson awfully wise?

So the free transfer of Callum Wilson has finally gone through. A lot of people seem to be going into social media meltdown over this. Yes we still need a young striker unless Callum Marshall makes the PL grade, but on a one-year-deal and with a contract that is mainly based on pay-as-you-play there's not too much to lose.

The downside is that signing an injury-prone 33-year-old striker who only started two games last season sounds unambitious and like the old West Ham, just content to stay up. Is he the next Danny Ings? There's also the perception that Wilson might be a David Sullivan signing, though Potter seems happy to talk up the worth of Callum.

In the main West Ham should be buying younger players, but if Potter wanted Wilson then he's a proven long-term Premier League goalscorer, a striker who scores every three games, with 132 goals spread over ten seasons at Coventry, Bournemouth and Newcastle (and he'd inevitably score against the Irons). Potter mentioned Danny Welbeck, now 34, whom he took to Brighton as a similarly derided signing and managed to largely keep clear of injury and rejuvenate his career. 

Three seasons ago at Newcastle Wilson scored 18 goals and that was while competing with Isak. If he can stay fit he'll be a good option to bring off the bench, though that if is a very big if at the moment. But goalscoring is the hardest part of the game and if Wilson does stay in one piece then Potter's gamble will have been worthwhile.

The other positive is that West Ham have now had a Pike, Walker, Jones and Wilson on the books. To complete the Dad's Army set all we need is Godfrey, Fraser and Mainwaring. Don't panic!

LUCAS PAQUETA IS INNOCENT, OK?

So finally after two years we have a verdict and Lucas Paqueta is innocent. Shame no-one placed a wager on it. There is still the threat of sanctions over two charges of not co-operating with the investigation, which the player denied but was found guilty of. Tnough the big charge is unproven. Most of the evidence was circumstantial and if there was major corruption going on then surely the bets coming from Paqueta Island would have been for more than sums ranging from £7 to £400? 

Perhaps the locals knew Paqueta was a bit of a hothead and always likely to get booked in certain matches against rough opponents with lenient refs. Rather like the way we can predict when fellow season-ticket holder the Vicar's Son will lapse into ungodly language aimed at the referee (usually about the 12th minute against teams managed by Eddie Howe).

It's cost West Ham and Lucas a lot. Paqueta's form has clearly been affected for the last two seasons with the threat of a lifetime ban hanging over him. Let's remember that West Ham had just won a trophy when this all exploded. Paqueta had a move to Manchester City for £85m lined up and it was said the Irons were after Cole Palmer as a £40m replacement, which wouldn't have been too bad. The FA's tardiness in releasing the verdict has also been very effective at sabotaging West Ham's planning for the transfer window. West Ham must surely have a case for compensation. 

Meanwhile will Paqueta stay or go? It might be understandable if he wanted a new start in a different country. Encouragingly he's thanked God ("if he's found God it must have been one hell of a pass"), West Ham and the fans. That sounds like he wants to stay. If we could get the Paqueta back of two years ago then it could transform WHU's season.

Three Lionesses on my shirt

Well, certainly enjoyed watching England win the Euros round at fellow West Ham fans Matt and Lisa's gaff in Holloway. Watching England has been rather like watching West Ham in that the team usually go a goal down and do things the hard way, but unlike with the Irons England's subs always seem to work. 

Chloe Kelly, Alessia Russo, Hannah Hampton and Jess Carter at the back were the standout players for me while Lucy Bronze playing with a fractured tibia brought back memories of Stuart Pearce. There was a West Ham link too with sub goalkeeper Anna Moorhouse being a former Hammer. 

Both goals and the winning penalty were scored by Arsenal players so expect the Gunners to regularly attract up to 60,000 fans for women's games next season. The West Ham women's team is really missing out on the WSL boom because they are not allowed to play at the London Stadium under the terms of the rental lease. Not a lot of fans from London or deepest Essex want to trek to Dagenham to see West Ham play. Surely something could be worked out with new landlords GLA Holding Limited and subsidiary company London Stadium LLP, which are ultimately responsible to the Mayor of London?  West Ham are the only one of 12 WSL clubs not have played a game at their men's stadium last season.

To be positive the Daily Mail reports that West Ham have been in touch with the stadium landlords about staging at least some games at the London Stadium but are currently being put off by the high price being quoted. Talks are set to resume when the WSL fixtures are published in August.

West Ham women playing at the London Stadium would be beneficial to both landlord and tenant. Perhaps a profit-sharing agreement could be put in place? It's time West Ham took the women's game more seriously as clubs like Arsenal are surging ahead.

Walker-Peters is a decent squad signing

Does Walker-Peters count as two signings? West Ham have hijacked Kyle Walker-Peters' move to Besiktas and on a free transfer he's a good bit of business for basically a reserve right-back now Coufal has left. He'll be a decent addition to the squad particularly as Wan-Bissaka and Diouf could be off to the Africa Cup of Nations in December. 

Walker-Peters has plenty of experience with ten games for Spurs and 169 games for Southampton. Don't be fooled by Southampton being rubbish last season, he's played in plenty of seasons where the Saints have prospered in the Ralph Hassenhuttl years. The 28-year-old is also two-footed and can play on the left as well, so is a handy squad player with an England Under-20 pedigree and two full caps. Not every signing has to be worldbeater.

What we really need now is midfield and forward signings, though much will depend on the Paqueta verdict. The latest rumour is a Jack Grealish loan, though we'd have to sign the Grealish sniper too for him to be effective. Another rumour is Bournemouth's Tavernier coming to the London Stadium. The next few weeks should be interesting.

We've signed a player!

For a moment it felt like we’d all spent too long in the sun. But after a summer of inaction it turned out the rumours were true and West Ham really have signed a player. Left back El Hadji Malick Diouf has signed from Slavia Prague for £19 million plus add-ons. The Czech side won the league last season and it’s hopefully a lucky omen that Slavia Prague’s home ground is the Eden Stadium where West Ham won the Europa Conference League in 2023.

Last season Diouf scored seven goals from his wing-back position for Slavia and provided three assists. He also impressed keeping Arsenal’s Saka quiet while playing for Senegal in their recent 3-1 friendly win over England. At 20 he is a good age and could be one El of a player. Diouf’s also shown a lot of character to leave home at a young age, first for Tromso in Norway and then Slavia Prague.

This is a glimpse of the side Potter wants, with Wan-Bissaka and Diouf as forward-thinking wing-backs with three defenders in the middle. The 30-year old Emerson will surely be moved on with Ollie Scarles as the main back-up on the left. What that system will need though is a couple of dynamic midfielders to make it work and another striker to compete with Fullkrug. But this at least feels like progress after the sale of Kudus.

Kudus goes for £55 million

So Mohammed Kudus has gone to Spurs for £55 million. The club could surely have got more money if WHU had waited until deadline day, but thanks to financial fair play fears we needed money in now to make new signings. Chelsea had lost interest, the player wanted to leave and sadly Spurs was the only offer on the table.

There are many standout moments from Kudus's fine first season: his first league goal against Newcastle, a great volley at Brentford, those two crosses that won the game late on at Burnley, a well-taken goal against Arsenal in the League Cup, that fantastic run from the halfway line to score against Freiberg and a superb overhead kick away to Man City.

But let's be clear Kudus had a poor season last time round. That petulant sending off at Spurs and his five-game ban indicated something was wrong. A player of his ability should have scored more than five goals and at times he looked selfish, dribbling and losing possession when he should have played the simple ball. Yes, he had a great game in the win at Arsenal for example, but we didn't see enough of that. Without European football it looked like he was dreaming of another club. 

The other problem is that successive managers never found Mo's best position. If it was on the right wing then that is where Jarrod Bowen plays. And once the club had Bowen, Kudus, Fullkrug and Summerville on the books it was never clear how all four could play together without leaving a severely weakened midfield.

It's never good to see a player of undoubted ability go to Spurs, even if we have made a £17 million profit on Mo, who was signed for £38 million. But Potter desperately needs some powerful and fast midfielders and defensive and attacking reinforcements. The quality of his signings will decide whether this was a good deal or not. But at least with some money freed up we might now see some action.

One Cummings and many goings at West Ham

Well, not much has happened on the rebuilding front so far this summer. The only signing has been 19-year old striker Daniel Cummings from Celtic. He made his senior Celtic debut as a sub against Aston Villa in the Champions League, but is probably one for the Under-21 side this season. Graham Potter has a record of giving youngsters a chance, so perhaps Cummings might be one for the future along with returning loanees George Earthy, Callum Marshall (who scored nine times for Huddersfield last season) and Freddie Potts.

The squad is certainly looking thin with the departures of Cresswell, Ings, Coufal, Fabianski, Zouma, Soler, Ferguson and it seems Antonio. Much seems to depend on selling Mohammed Kudus to free up some cash. Tottenham have had a £50m bid knocked back but if it's upped to £60m plus then he will surely go. It would be nice to sell Mo to anyone but Spurs, though Chelsea seem to have lost interest. 

The fact is Kudus started brilliantly in 2023-24 but then had a poor season last time round and never seemed to recover from that five-game suspension after being stupidly sent off at Spurs. He tried to take on too many players at times and only scored five goals. Mo's undoubtedly talented but his best position is on the right wing where Jarrod Bowen plays. If WHU can get a good price then it makes sense to sell a player who looks like his ambition lies elsewhere.

The best other options for raising cash might be if Emerson or Nayef Aguerd are  sold, though Potter reportedly likes Aguerd and I'd be happy to see him stay. He might have a mistake in him at times, but they're fewer than Dinos makes. Edson Alvarez might also leave, though having just captained and scored for Mexico as they won the CONCACAF Gold Cup you do wonder, like Sgt Wilson, if that's awfully wise.

We thought we'd won the transfer window last summer so let's remember that early signings don't always work out. Though there has to be hope that in their second seasons we'll see improvements from Kilman, Todibo, Summerville and, if he stays, Fullkrug. What is essential is that Potter and co have clear targets once the Kudus money comes in. It may all go down to deadline day, so let's hope Karren Brady has stocked up on her fax paper from Ryman's.  

Iron Maiden's home fixture at the London Stadium

Hammers in the Heart's heavy metal correspondent Nigel Morris reviews Iron Maiden's recent appearance at the London Stadium... 

I finally made it onto the London Stadium pitch as two of my passions - footballing and musical - collided when Iron Maiden, one of the world's biggest and most enduring heavy metal bands, returned to their roots in the East End.

Fifty years after the band made their first appearance to a handful of punters in the Cart and Horses, Maryland, they played a mile up the road to 75,000 sweltering fans packed into our ground.

The reason? Band leader Steve Harris is an obsessive Hammer, always appearing on stage with the club crest on his bass and with claret and blue guitar straps and wristbands. He invariably sneaks West Ham references onto album covers including ‘Hammers rule OK!’ and the wildly optimistic ‘Latest results … West Ham 7 Arsenal 3’ message on Maiden’s Somewhere in Time record.

At 14, Steve was even spotted by the legendary West Ham scout Wally St Pier and taken on as a club apprentice before dropping out a year later because, “I probably didn’t have enough to make it as a professional”.

So for Harris - and for the hundreds, or perhaps thousands, of fans like me in claret and blue Iron Maiden FC shirts complete with Hammers emblems - it was a double homecoming.

Massive screens promoting Iron Maiden surrounded the London Stadium and - in a clever move - a Hammers-style concert programme detailed the links between the band and club and the group’s love of football in general.

In one feature, Slaven Bilic revealed that growing up in Croatia he first learned of West Ham’s existence from the ‘Up the Irons!’ message on The Number of the Beast album. There’s little surprise that long-haired '90s midfielder Ian Bishop is a fan too.

And Julian Dicks told the 'matchday programme': “I can see some similarities between Maiden concerts and football fans back when I played - very passionate, great energy, they love their team or band, and they follow them all over the country and the world.”

The concert itself? An amazing, emotional evening as Maiden played a ‘greatest hits’ set to fans of all ages, including some of the numbers they debuted almost half a century ago in pubs around the East End.

And when I’m back in my seat next month I’ll remember Steve’s wise words: “Fans of West Ham have got a great sense of humour, but they have to - or we probably wouldn’t survive.”

It's Sunderland away to kick-off

Up against a newly-promoted Sunderland side in front of a buoyant crowd on August 16 - what could possibly go wrong? It's not a good time to play the Mackems, though you have to hope that with Tom Watson and Jobe Bellingham sold they'll struggle to replace them. Then it's a chance to tell Chelsea where to place their Blue Flag at the London Stadium followed by a tricky game at Nottingham Forest. September begins with two home games against Thomas Frank's Spurs and Crystal Palace and then it's the Moyes derby at Everton's new stadium. By which time we'll be top of the league (possibly).

Animal farm

In the absence of any transfer activity I've been on a trip to the Lake District with my fellow season-ticket holder Nigel, who was making plans for fellwalking. There was quite a lot of West Ham colour. On the train up we met the mum of ace West Ham illustrator Canning Town Len, while Nigel's faded West Ham cap worn on Catbells saw us greeted by a West Ham fan from Billericay. We used our time constructively, of course, not least in thinking up West Ham players associated with animal kingdom. So far we've come up with Brian Dear, Geoff Pike, Joe Hart, Bernard Lama, Demba Ba, Paul Heffer and Razvan Rat. Any more suggestions gratefully accepted.

End-of-season player ratings

ALPHONSE AREOLA
Generally sound but some clangers away to Spurs and at home to Forest. A great shot stopper but Potter should stop asking him to pass out of defence. 6/10

LUCAS FABIANSKI

Did really well to win his place back at 40 and apart from accidentally punching Havertz in the head to concede a penalty was generally sound. He’ll be missed. 6/10

AARON WAN-BISSAKA
An absolute bargain at £15m. Can play both sides and a revelation going forwards with five assists and two goals. Tended to get caught out of position under Lopotegui but has looked really solid under Potter, playing well with Bowen. Made some brilliant last-ditch interventions. 8/10

VLADIMIR COUFAL

Lost his place and some of his pace but played well in the middle of defence and at right-back when called upon. 6/10

MAX KILMAN

A difficult season and struggled to justify his £40m price tag. At times looked accomplished but big errors against Liverpool and Spurs among others. Not helped by frequently changing partners and systems and needs a leader alongside him. 5/10

DINOS MAVROPANOS

Should have all the attributes of a decent centre back but makes far too many mistakes and gives away free kicks in dangerous positions. Can Potter improve his concentration? 4/10

JEAN-CLAIR TODIBO

Unlucky with injuries and still can't last 90 minutes. Looked half-decent in the win at Arsenal but has struggled at times too. Hopefully his second season will be an improvement now he's signed for £32 million. 5/10

EMERSON

Not his best season and has lost his place to Scarles at times. Did score a fine goal against Arsenal but has been affected by Paqueta's indifferent form. 5/10

OLLIE SCARLES

A breakthrough season as Potter gave him several starts. His inexperience showed against the likes of Mo Salah, but a player of some potential and seeing an Academy product raised the morale of the crowd. 6/10

AARON CRESSWELL

When played in a five-man back line he definitely improved the defence. Aaron's experience was invaluable and he'll be pleased to have made more appearances than anticipated. Good luck at your next club, Cress. 7/10

GUIDO RODRIGUEZ

Not a bad player but always looked too slow for the Premier League at the end of his career. At least he got an assist at Ipswich. 4/10

EDSON ALVAREZ

A couple of indisciplined red cards didn't help and hasn't won the trust of Potter. Again lack of pace and youth is a problem. 5/10

TOMAS SOUCEK

Will never be a great passer but did all that was asked of him in both boxes. His nine goals proved invaluable. 8/10

CARLOS SOLER

A major disappointment after his loan from PSG. Scored against Fulham, sometimes looked neat in possession, but never got going in a West Ham shirt. 4/10

JAMES WARD-PROWSE

Wasted half a season on loan at Nottingham Forest. Needs to play more forward balls but solid enough on his return with a goal at Ipswich an an assist for Fullkrug's goal against Bournemouth. 6/10

LUCAS PAQUETA

His form improved under Potter but was definitely affected by the looming FA betting charges. Made a good fist of playing as an emergency forward but nothing like the player he can be. 5/10

LEWIS ORFORD

Will be pleased to have made his debut though too early to judge fully, but played sensibly in his cameos. 5/10

ANDY IRVING

The cult hero had a decent game at Chelsea and didn't let anyone down when he came on but given few chances. 6/10

LUIS GUILHERME

West Ham overpaid at £20m for an untried youngster. But when he's come on he's troubled defences with his speed and had a few scoring opportunities. He may yet come good. 6/10

JARROD BOWEN

Carried the side at times with his assists and 14 goals. Now he's tied the knot with Dani let's hope he never leaves. Better on the right than as a striker, but gave it everything wherever he played. 9/10

MOHAMMED KUDUS

Never really got going after the five-game ban for his red card at Spurs. Five goals were not enough from a player of his talent, though he did have a really good game at Arsenal and improved towards the end of the season. Potter still has to decide what Mo's best position is. 5/10

CRYSENCIO SUMMERVILLE

Lopetegui didn't trust Jimmy and then he missed half the season with a hamstring injury. Looked exciting when he did appear if a little wayward in front of goal. Scored against Man United and looked promising as a wing-back in Potter's first match. 5/10

MICHAEL ANTONIO

Looked a declining force before his car crash but at least scored against Ipswich. We all hope he'll play again soon but at 35 his days at West Ham are surely over. 5/10

NICLAS FULLKRUG

Very unlucky with injuries but he looked a quality striker towards the end of the season and a real threat in the air. Three goals from not many starts. His rant after the Southampton game was entertaining for us fans but may have alienated Potter. 6/10

EVAN FERGUSON

The loan striker was hardly given a chance but fluffed a big chance at Wolves. Considering how good he was at Brighton two seasons ago he was a big disappointment. 4/10

DANNY INGS

Earned West Ham a point at Fulham and a very dodgy penalty against Man United. Never complained but his best days are gone and he never suited a Moyes side. He'll probably now drop into the Championship at the end of his career. Nice hair transplant. 5/10

Bowen secures 14th place as Irons defeat Tractor Boys

Ipswich Town 1 West Ham 3 

Finally the season is over. In game 38 Fabianski plays at the age of 40 to make his final West Ham appearance. Scarles, Dinos and Fullkrug start with Kudus and Paqueta on the bench. What could possibly go wrong against a relegated side that has lost eight in a row at home?

Ipswich give it a go and Fabianski has to make a great one-handed save to claw away a Broadhead effort. Thankfully the Tractor Boys are still good at self-sabotaging. Morsy plays a weak back pass that is intercepted by Bowen. Jarrod flicks it across goal to James Ward-Prowse who stroke home his first goal for a year.

Can we hold a lead? No, soon after the break Todibo seems to duck out of a tackle and Broadhead fires home a powerful shot into the bottom corner. Thankfully we still have Bowen. Jarrod plays a one-two with Wan-Bissaka cuts inside and hits a sumptuous effort past the despairing Walton. 

Clarke goes close for the home side before our two subs combine for the third. Rodriguez does well to nick the ball off Clarke race forward and set up Mo Kudus for a shot that he curls home. His fifth goal of the season, though such a gifted player should be scoring more.

The win is very welcome as WHU secure 14th place with Spurs getting battered at home and Wolves drawing. As Big Sam says on WhatsApp if we'd have been offered finishing above Man United and Spurs at the start of the season we'd have taken it. Matt counters that we might not have been so happy to finish behind Forest, Bournemouth, Brentford, Fulham, Brighton, Palace and Everton.

Still, this was a decent farewell to Fabianski, Cresswell, Coufal and unused sub Danny Ings. Good to see Cressy get such a good reception from both home ands away fans. A summer of rebuilding awaits. Come on you Irons!

West Ham verdict in the Guardian

My verdict on West Ham's season can be found in today's Guardian, though obviously the big prize of 14th place is still up for grabs on Sunday. Gave the season four out of ten on the grounds that we've stayed up and been unlucky with injuries, though also thought about awarding it 3.5 out of ten. Potter has to improve the side next season.

Meanwhile Jarrod Bowen's not in Thomas Tuchel's England squad which is bizarre. He's scored 13 goals in a struggling team this season and at times carried the side. His brilliant volley against Forest alone should have got him in the squad. A shame as Jarrod had apparently moved his Las Vegas stag do to allow for time with the England squad. What could possibly go wrong with a West Ham stag do in Las Vegas particularly with top geezer Danny Dyer there to ensure order? Rumour has it Julian Dicks, Razor Ruddock, Frank McAvennie, Hayden Foxe and John Moncur will also be there to help ensure nothing gets out of hand.

Forest hold out despite late Hammers rally

West Ham 1 Nottingham Forest 2

There's a good turnout in the Best Meze Cafe for the final home match of a largely dismal season. Over chips with varying accompaniments we find Matt, Lisa, Nigel, Michael and his pal Stephen discussing why only journalists refer to Nottingham Forest as the "Tricky Trees" and asking if Palace's Eze belongs to Jesus then does this constitute third-party ownership?

Before the kick-off Aaron Wan-Bissaka receives the Hammer of the Year trophy, a fitting reward for our most successful signing from last summer. Potter has named an unchanged side from the win at Man United, leaving our biggest attacking threats, Paqueta and Fullkrug, on the bench.

West Ham make a great start. Coufal in his final home match, whips in a typical cross and Soucek heads for the top bin only to be thwarted by a great save from Sels. Vladimir Coufal has a shot deflected wide but slowly Forest impose themselves on the game. Gibbs-White controls with his chest and fires in a volley that Areola does well to save.

The Irons' bright start is undone after 11 minutes as Areola tries to play out from the back rather than kick it upfield and his pass goes straight to Gibbs-White who gratefully fires home. If in doubt hoof it. The scorer holding up a tribute shirt to the hospitalised Awonyi.

Areola has to make a decent stop to deny Chris Wood as Forest threaten to score again. Aaron Wan-Bissaka still poses problems on the left but Bowen and Kudus aren't getting anything from Forest's giant centre-backs and at the break it's still one-nil.

VAR TROUBLE

Potter has picked the wrong team and surprisingly doesn't make any changes at half-time. When he does act decisively after 58 minutes, bringing on Paqueta, Fullkrug, Alvarez and Soler, Forest have a free kick on the left. Elanga whips in the dead ball and it's deflected in off Milenkovic's shoulder. There's then a bizarre six-minute VAR stoppage while an offside is debated, with the automated offside lines not working and then a communication breakdown with ref Sam Barrott. After a major time rift in Stratford the goal is given anyway.

At least the VAR debacle gets the home crown going with a chant of "West Ham are massive!" though in truth we've been slightly less than large this season. The side looks a lot better with Fullkrug as a focal point and to the players' credit they keep going. A nice move sees Soler get in a shot that the excellent Sels tips away again.

Suddenly we're back in it after 79 minutes. Paqueta chips into the box and a defensive header falls to Jarrod Bowen who takes a touch with his thigh and swivels to fire an unstoppable volley into the top of the net.

Referee Barrott does his best to keep the atmosphere fervid as he is taken in by a lot of Forest timewasting and lets several blatant fouls go. Todibo, Bowen and Paqueta all lose patience with the ref. Even the Vicar's Son is moved to join in with the chants of "You don't know what you're doing!" and "You're not fit to referee!" 

Guilherme comes on late and troubles Forest with his speed on the left. He gets a shot away but is foiled by a fine block from Williams. At the other end AWB makes a fine block to deny Silva. There's an astonishing 16 minutes of added time as Forest get nervy. At one point the ref completely loses control of the players as there's a big fracas and he's pursued round the pitch like a harassed supply teacher. 

West Ham's final chance comes with a Soler corner and Areola up in the box. Fullkrug rises slightly higher than the Mittal Orbital and gets in a really powerful header, but again Sels punches it away.

So a very solid Forest side hold on and are in with a chance of Champions League football. All that's left is a lap of appreciation from the players as Cressy, Vlad, Fab, Ings and co say goodbye to a half-empty stadium. At least James Ward-Prowse's missus seems good at delivery as Mr and Mrs JWP bring on their four kids.

We head off for a final drink at the Eagle. Matt reveals his extensive knowledge of Highland League football, giving us anecdotes about Stranraer and some team near Banff, leading on to a discussion of Pennan, the setting for Local Hero. The film's theme was written by Mark Knopfler and recently re-recorded with guitar heroes like Brian May and Jeff Beck we learn from Wikipedia, not that any of us are into trivia. Meanwhile Nigel says that he's pleased Halifax haven't made it into the League meaning he's still a member of the 92 Club. Lisa then makes the frankly astonishing suggestion that he should visit a Halifax game for pleasure rather than as a ground to tick off. That will never catch on.

So the home season ends not with a bang but 16 minutes of added time and a VAR timeshift. Clubs like Forest have moved way ahead of WHU and Potter needs to rebuild over the summer and sign some dynamic midfielders, a leader at the back, a young striker and anyone else he can get. Meanwhile we still have to win at relegated Ipswich next week to secure 15th place. Roll on next season.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 4; Coufal 6, Kilman 6, Todibo 6, Cresswell 5 (Alvarez 5), Wan-Bissaka 7; Rodriguez 5 (Paqueta 6), Ward-Prowse 5 (Soler 6), Soucek 5 (Fullkrug 6); Bowen 7, Kudus 5 (Guilherme 6).

Fab four leaving West Ham

The first four departures from West Ham have been announced and surely several other players will follow as Graham Potter rebuilds the squad. Lucasz Fabianski, Vladimir Coufal, Aaron Cresswell and Danny Ings are all getting older but have in their own way made valuable contributions to the club.

Vladimir Coufal will be missed. His nickname of RoboCop at his previous club Slavia Prague sums up his playing style. Early on Vlad had Grealish in his pocket at Villa, clattering Jack and his sniper at every opportunity, which certainly endeared him to the faithful. Coufal was great at getting forward and made a lot of goals with his crosses. Lately his speed had started to diminish, but he's still always given everything. And let's not forget his role in leading the lads on a tour of the late-night drinking dens of Prague. David Moyes thought Coufal had it in him to be a manager so you never know we might see him back at the London Stadium one day.

Aaron Cresswell has to be one of the club's best ever value for money signings at £4.5 million from Ipswich. He was there at the Boleyn Ground under Allardyce and has been a great servant. Much of the success under Moyes came from his set-piece delivery and after losing a bit of pace he reinvented himself as a third centre-back. It's significant that in the games where the 35-year-old has started this season the defence has looked much more secure. When Aaron scored his last goal for the club against Freiburg in the Europa League you could feel the appreciation of the crowd at the London Stadium.

Lukasz Fabianski is now 40 so has done really well to displace Areola for a spell this season. He was the best of the Pellegrini signings and in his 215 appearances he very rarely made mistakes. The quietly consistent Polish goalkeeper was also unlucky that Areola was chosen as the Europa Conference League Final goalkeeper when Fab was first choice in the league. He was also pretty good at saving penalties. 

Danny Ings never really fitted the Moyes system not being big or speedy enough to play as a lone striker. But he was a decent finisher and scored some important goals. He bagged a couple of vital goals on his debut at home to Nottingham Forest and one in the draw at Gent in the Europa Conference League. There were also equalisers against Burnley and Fulham, though his appearances were mainly cameos off the bench. Ings also gave us a good laugh by winning a very soft penalty against Man United and getting Ten Hag sacked. Danny's departure will save the club his rumoured £125k a week wages. As a squad player he never complained and you'd think he might still do a job at 32 in a more attacking side where he's the second striker. He's also the first WHU player to have a hair transplant. 

It will be intriguing to see who else is leaving at the end of the season but good luck to Aaron, Lucasz, Danny and Vlad.

We go 15th! Soucek and Bowen end winless run

Man United 0 West Ham 2 (two)

There's some dismay at Potter's team selection on my West Ham WhatsApp group, with Paqueta and Fullkrug dropped, Rodriguez coming in from the cold, and Cresswell and Coufal playing after it was announced they'd be leaving at the end of the season. Still, what do us fans know?

I'm receiving phone updates while manning the cloakroom at the Islington Boat Club's open day. Early on Wan-Bissaka wins a free kick and Ward Prowse whips in a trademark ball that Kilman heads over when well-placed. For United Diallo cuts inside AWB and forces a decent save from Areola.

Astonishingly West Ham take the lead with a fluid move that has more passes than we can count. Good work from Ward-Prowse, Cresswell and Wan-Bissaka sees Mo Kudus race down the left and cross low into the box. Tomas Soucek gets there before Amass and flicks home, then does a thumb in mouth celebration to mark the birth of his new son, who is probably already heading his cot.

Nigel is forced to delete a message asking that with West Ham leading "what could possibly go wrong?" as the Irons go in1-0 up at the interval against a soporific United. 

The Hammers remain solid at the back and quick on the break. Kudus sets up Ward-Prowse for a shot straight at Bayindir. The second goal arrives as Ugarte claims a foul when dispossessed by Wan-Bissaka and then fails to play to the whistle. Mo Kudus runs at the defence, doesn't pass to Bowen when he should, fires into a defender and sees the ball deflect to Wan-Bissaka. His low cross is calmly turned home by Jarrod Bowen who runs to celebrate with the away section.

It gets seriously worrying with a two-goal lead to defend and Bowen and Kudus taken off. Luckily I'm distracted by paddleboarders and kayakers wanting their bags back as the minutes tick slowly by. Garnacho can't get on the end of a decent cross, Hojlund fires at Areola's feet in a one-on-one, Maguire heads at the keeper and Areola makes a great reaction save on his line to deny Hojlund.

It could even be 3-0 as Ward-Prowse pounces on some slack defending and sees Bayindir pull off a good save with his outstretched boot. Finally West Ham's winless spell of right games is ended and we've done the double over a poor United side. We go 15th above both the Europa League finalists.

The performance wasn't as defensive as some feared and it was interesting to see Ward-Prowse get forward more. Potter was proved right in opting for a workmanlike side with Kudus and Bowen as speedy wide strikers, the wing-back system worked and this was more like it. With a nervy Nottingham Forest and relegated Ipswich to come let's hope we can end the season on a high. 

Bowen earns point against weakened Spurs

West Ham 1 Tottenham 1 

Up against a side that has made eight changes with a big semi final coming up, what could possibly go wrong? I'm joined at the London Stadium by Nigel, CQ in a hoodie displaying the names of all the men who have landed on the Moon (though no-one associated with West Ham has ever been over the Moon), super sub Lisa and Matt fresh from waiting for the council election results from Towcester to pop up. Michael is absent preparing for a Bridgerton-style ball in Covent Garden.

West Ham have a decent first 15 minutes, starting with some intensity. Wan-Bissaka is finding space on the right, Soucek is involved and Kudus is aggressive on the left. But as so often this season a self-inflicted would results in a goal. Max Kilman could simply lump the ball into touch but tries a header, then a couple of  ineffectual prods at the ball, allowing Tel to cross for Odobert, who has lost Cresswell and Emerson, to stroke it home. "One-nil in your cup final!" chant the away fans.

At least the crowd stay with the Irons and the side shows some character to keep going. Wan-Bissaka's cross is handled by Ben Davies but ref Michael Oliver turns down the penalty appeals. But the Hammers do equalise when Wan-Bissaka does well to see Bowen's run. Jarrod does the rest taking a touch and putting the ball through Vicario's legs. 

The rest of the half is fairly even though there's a another scare when Richarlson fires across the box. The Spurs Second X1 is looking up for it. Still, the bloke from Barcelona in Fraser's old seat seems to be enjoying El Crapico. At half time Matt counsels Nigel not to eat his lucky banana, while we are all aghast that the club website has jinxed us by writing, "the three points are there for the taking."

Odobert has an early shot comfortably saved by Areola after the break but it's West Ham who create the better chances. Kudus does really well to beat his man down the left wing and cross for Fullkrug to head over. Matt gets increasingly irate with referee Michael Oliver and Potter's substitutions, while Paqueta loses it after getting yellow carded and has to be held back by Soucek. 

It's sub James Ward-Prowse who almost creates the winner, whipping in a free kick that Bowen gets his head to only to see Vicario pull off a fine one-handed save. In added time a free kick is won in Ward-Prowse territory. He fires in a decent effort that hits the side netting and our last chance of winning it has gone. It's not a disaster but this is now eight games without a win and we really should have beaten a Spurs side of squad players.

We head to the Eagle for Meantime and Spitfire from the fridge and the news that Sinead is departing our local which is a shame. Nigel and Matt discuss the lower leagues, clubs that are nowhere near the city they are named after and the fact that Boreham Wood FC is spelt differently to the town of Borehamwood. We then write Matt's potential review of Iron Maiden at the London Stadium for him. Before wondering if we should recall loanees Kurt Zouma and Maxi Cornet. Otherwise it's roll on the end of the season, though at least we didn't lose the lead.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 8, Kilman 4, Todibo 6 (Coufal 5), Cresswell 5 (Mavropanos n/a), Emerson 5; Paqueta 6 (Ward-Prowse 7), Soucek 6 (Soler 5); Kudus 7, Fullkrug 6 (Ferguson 5), Bowen 8.

Potter shows some passion

In a way it's a good thing that Graham Potter showed some emotion after the Brighton match. He looked exasperated and told the media that was. "sick of talking about positives." It wasn't exactly a Kevin Keegan-style meltdown, but the normally mild-mannered Potter went on to say: “I'm going to be frustrated. I'm not a robot. I'm a human being as well.I stand there myself, give everything to this, what I'm doing of course, I'm gonna be upset. I have to come here and speak calmly to you guys, but that's not how I'm feeling inside. If you want me to swear, I can swear."

He's clearly fed up with players not carrying out instructions, though he must take some blame too for putting on Coufal as a left back when he could surely have left Emerson there or moved over Wan-Bissaka. The fans need to see that Potter can get angry as well as show emotional intelligence. He's not made the difference that Moyes has made at Everton or Pereira at Wolves and with a less bad bottom three he might in danger of the sack. Results are no better than under Lopetegui, even if we're now more competitive in matches.

But as it is we have a project manager and he needs time. West Ham played fairly well for 83 minutes at Brighton and a couple of the goals were long-range efforts that normally go wide. Potter must now be clearer about the players he can't rely on. Major work will have to be done in the summer but if there's a bad start to the season the manager will again be under pressure. Let's hope this is as low as it gets.

I don't Baleba it...

Brighton 3 West Ham 2

Never watch a game on the BBC's Final Score as it always ends in pain. Fullkrug is on the bench as Potter reverts to a five-man back line, which is frustrating as the big effing German who says what he wants proved he could last 80 minutes last week. At least Soucek is back as we need his goal threat.

After early Brighton pressure a good move between Ward-Prowse and Wan-Bissaka sees the latter's cross hit into the side netting by Soucek. But Brighton take the lead after 13 minutes as Ayari, under pressure from Paqueta, curls a great shot into the top corner from the edge of the box. West Ham almost equalise when Kilman's ball into the box is headed on to the bar by Soucek.

Fullkrug comes on for Ward-Prowse at the break and the Hammers improve with Bowen back on the right. The equaliser comes down the right when Wan-Bissaka finds Bowen in acres of space. His cross is turned in by Mo Kudus, whose fairly tame shot goes through the legs of Verbruggen.

Areola has to make a smart save from Weiffer's header and at the other end Paqueta frees Wan-Bisakka for a drive against Verbruggen's legs. West Ham seem to have won it when Wan-Bissaka's clever backheel frees Bowen, whose inviting cross is headed home by Tomas Soucek after 83 minutes.

But this West Ham side just can't hold on to lead. A cross into the box sees Gomez in too much space up against Coufal, who has come on for Emerson.Gomez heads across goal, Kilman has lost Mitoma, and the Japanese winger heads home. With three centre backs playing there's no way Mitoma should be winning headers in the box.

Just as we've settled for a draw Brighton win a corner as the Irons stick 11 men back. As Match of the Day highlights, the defenders aren't looking at the ball as Brighton take a quick corner and Bowen and Fullkrug are too far back. Areola palms the cross away but the ball is recycled to Baleba who is strolling unchallenged through midfield in the manner of William Wordsworth looking at Ullswater daffodils. He lets fly with an effort that curls round three defenders and into the top bin of Areola's goal. The keeper hasn't moved. Baleba does a double somersault as we feel bad all over. On another day that shot might have drifted over but there's no excuse for the amount of space and time he was allowed.

Niclas Fullkrug must be very very angry this week. At least Potter admits afterwards that this relegation form isn't good enough. There have been some positives going forward from Soucek, Bowen, Fullkrug, Kudus and Wan-Bissaka, but this side desperately needs a big ugly centre back who is a leader of the defence and a ball-winner where there is still a large Declan Rice-shaped hole. We've spent £90 million on centre backs and still can't defend. The only good news is that we have just 28 days left until the end of the season.

There's only one f in Fullkrug

Niclas Fullkrug has become something of a cult after his post-match rant on Saturday, where he was "very angry" and claimed that "we were shit" for not capitalising on Jarrod Bowen's goal. Some people might see this as undermining his team-mates and manager, but I'm more of the view that we need this sort of passion in the dressing room. 

Fullkrug broke the standard rule of post-match interviews by making his one with Sky Sports interesting. The big German striker played in a Champions League Final for Borussia Dortmund a year ago and now finds himself in a team struggling to beat a relegated side, so you can understand his frustration. His man gripe seems to be that the side couldn't push up with "half the team defending and half trying to score again", the keeper kicking it long, not carrying out the coach's instructions and mindset and motivation problems.

Perhaps he should have left it to Bowen or Potter to be so critical, but Fullkrug is a senior pro at 32 and said what most fans were thinking. His rant has also resulted in a brilliant cartoon from David Squires in the Guardian, featuring Fullrug pondering on the West Ham Way, a "T K Max Kilman" outlet in Westfield and Danny Ings postulating that we are, "all trapped in the belly of the machine."

The club needs more players with high standards like Fullkrug and there will be a much-needed summer clearout and rebuild. Soler and Ferguson will presumably be returned to sender, Coufal, Cresswell, Ings, Antonio and Fabianski are all out of contract, Rodriguez and Cornet will go if there are any suitors and Alvarez is said to be available. A decision has to be made on whether to cash in on the underperforming Mo Kudus and more pace and athleticism is urgently needed in midfield. Apart from that everything is fine.

Saints earn deserved point against lacklustre Hammers

West Ham 1 Southampton 1

Up against a relegated team that has ten points and has just sacked their manager - what could possibly go wrong? 

I'm joined in the sun by Nigel and CQ, fresh from seeing Sweet and T Rextasy and a jaunt on the Isle of Man, Michael who has been celebrating St George's Day with thespians, Matt and Lisa who have come straight from the West Ham Women's 0-0 draw with Man United and Big Sam, who has travelled all the way from Wales for this relegation three-pointer.

Wan-Bisaaka and Alvarez have both managed to get injured in training. Fullkrug starts and early on the big German forces a good save from Ramsdale when Paqueta gets in a decent low cross. But for the rest of the half Southampton play with the freedom of a side where the pressure is off and they should be ahead. Referee Kitchen, in his first Premier League game, lets a lot go and Coufal is lucky to escape censure after a foul on the edge of the area. Walker-Peters shoots wide when well placed after Soler gets out-muscled in midfield. Southampton go close when the ball bounces off Paqueta to Sulemana who prods it against the woodwork. 

West Ham again appear ponderous and the closest effort is when Ward-Prowse shoots over the bar from the edge of the box. Full credit to the Southampton fans though, who are noisy throughout and waving inflatable bananas in solidarity with Nigel as they look forward to visiting Portsmouth.

At half-time Nigel debates whether to eat his two lucky bananas as we're joined by Alison from the Clacton Irons, who has supported the Hammers through thin and thinner and is so impressed by today's fare that she's considering getting a season ticket again.

We wonder if Potter is capable of giving the side a rollicking. His half-time words seem to have had some effect as two minutes in the Hammers score. Finally the Irons break at speed, as Paqueta finds Kudus who passes inside to Fullkrug. He plays a first-time ball through to Bowen on the right who cuts inside Manning and scores a typical Bowen goal. Surely Southampton's heads will drop now.

West Ham have a better spell. When Ward-Prowse takes a corner Michael can feel it in his water that Fullkrug will score. He does but it's disallowed for an arm on Ramsdale. West Ham's best moments come from Fullkrug and it's the big man who finds sub Guilherme with a subtle through-ball, only for Luis to be thwarted by a decent save from Ramsdale.

West Ham fail to kill the game and the Saints gain impetus. Areola makes a smart reflex save to deny Stephens. Bringing on the Greek Bloke to shore up the defence and Soucek for Fullkrug invites further Saints pressure. Their best chance seems to have gone when Tyler Dibling fails to hit the target. 

Can the Hammers get a scrappy 1-0 win? No, in the 93rd minute Walker-Peters' cross deflects up into the air and Chelsea loanee Ugochukwu scores with a fine volley. The Saints fans erupt as if they've just won the league rather than reached 11 points. 

West Ham leave the field to a chorus of boos and points wise Potter hasn't done any better than Lopetegui. In the last six winless games late goals have cost the Irons seven points against Everton, Bournemouth, Liverpool and Southampton. 

We retreat to the Eagle where there are new air-dryers in the loos and Matt is taking the negatives, saying that Potter can't pick the right side, make substitutions or see out games. There's even talk we should have kept Moyes (apologies to Fraser). 

There's nothing for it but to discuss our first-ever gigs, with CQ confessing to the Bay City Rollers, myself admitting to Gary Glitter, Matt revealing a hippy past with Steve Hillage and Michael giving us Chas and Dave, which explains his love of cockney knees ups around the Eagle's Joanna. Meanwhile Aston Villa versus Newcastle is on the TV and Nigel mournfully notes how far we have fallen behind both teams.

We learn that Niclas Fullkrug has told the media that he is "very angry" and that we played "shit", meaning he wouldn't be out of place in the Bobby Moore Stand. From Borussia Dortmund to this must be a bit of a comedown. 

Potter has to be given time to get his own players in but in his 100 days as boss he hasn't improved this lot much. The final five games should all be winnable with Spurs and Man United distracted by Europe. Yet the season is in danger of ending with a whimper and the Hammers one place above the bottom three.

PLAYER RATINGS:Areola 6; Coufal 5, Kilman 6, Todibo 6, Emerson 6 (Scarles 5); Ward-Prowse 4 (Mavropanos n/a), Soler 4, Paqueta 5; Bowen 7 (Ferguson n/a), Fullkrug 7 (Soucek 4), Kudus 5 (Guilherme 6).

Hammers on Mastermind

On last night's Mastermind semi-final Dan Shoesmith, a legal operations specialist, chose West Ham United 1992 to the present day as his specialist subject. Shoesmith scored a credible 12 points on his West Ham round but eventually finished third. 

Spoiler alert I'm now going to discuss some of the questions. Who scored the winner in the Europa Conference League Final was obviously a tap-in. Most fans will surely have answered correctly when asked to name the bogey side that dumped us out of the Europa League twice - it was of course FC Astra Giurgiu. 

This fan was pleased to name Teddy Sheringham as the only WHU player to score in the 2006 FA Cup Final shoot-out and Simone Zaza as the Italian player we loaned after he scored against us in the Betway Cup in 2016. However my mind went blank when asked to name the side West Ham clinched promotion against in 1993 (Cambridge United) and the goalkeeper who was injured when Di Canio picked up the ball to stop play at Everton (it was Paul Gerrard). While distracted by dog barking and family interruptions I didn't hear the date when asked to name the newly-built London stadium where West Ham were the first away winners in 2019, rushing in with the Emirates instead of Spurs. 

So a mixed set of results but good to see West Ham United is finally getting the intellectual kudos (or Kudus?) the subject deserves. 

Hammers unlucky to lose to Champions-elect

Liverpool 2 West Ham 1

It's off to the World's End pub with Mystic Matt for this fixture, hoping for a less than apocalyptic result against the league headers. The pub is strangely deserted as we sit down with pints of Hepcat session IPA. It's back to a five-man defence with Alvarez and Soucek dropped.

Early on Diaz and Bradley pepper the West Ham goal with shots. Salah plucks the ball out of the air to round Scarles and curl an effort just wide. The 19-year-old Scarles is having a torrid time against one of the best players in the world and perhaps Potter should have opted for the experience if Emerson. Liverpool's goal arrives when Scarles lunges in and misses the ball allowing the wily Salah to race down the right and cross for Diaz, who has got behind Wan-Bissaka, to stroke home.

But suddenly there's a sign of life from West Ham. Wan-Bissaka plays a fine through ball to Soler, who has advanced into the Liverpool box and fires against the body of Alisson. The ball rebounds to Kudus, who cleverly spins and chips on to the bar. Alisson has got a fingertip to the ball, making it a fine save.

Mac Allister fires against the legs of Areola but at the end of the half the Irons gain confidence. Scarles gets a couple of tackles in and gets more support from Kilman. Kudus fires against Alisson from an offside position, but we are finding space. Just before the break Ward-Prowse's corner presents a free header to Dinos Mavropanos who heads over when he should score. Though to be fair the Greek Bloke has a pretty good game defensively. 

The second half starts with a couple of tables of plastic Liverpool fans arriving much to the chagrin of Matt, though I do manage to hold him back. Mac Allister hits the bar with a free kick two minutes in but after that it's all West Ham. Scarles is taken off with Wan-Bissaka switched to the left and Coufal coming on at right back. Paqueta starts to dominate midfield and plays the best ball of the game through to Bowen. But Alisson has come off his line really quickly and saves the one-on-one with his chest, when perhaps Jarrod should have tried to round him.

Kudus, who is having a fine game, hits a goalbound shot from the left that Alisson deflects wide. A deserved equaliser arrives in the 87th minute when Paqueta plays a brilliant through ball to Wan-Bissaka on the left. The full-back's cross is deflected into his own net by a combination of Robertson and Van Dijk.

But Liverpool respond like champions. Wan-Bissaka deflects Diaz's shot on to the bar. West Ham clear a corner. Paqueta appears to be pushed but the ref rules plays on and Liverpool get another corner. This time Van Dijk manages to give sub Fullkrug a nudge and head home.

But there's still time for West Ham to almost equalise. Kilman plays in a good cross and Fullkrug, on 15 minutes too late, twists to send a header on to the bar. 

It's no wins in five and West Ham have a worrying tendency to lose games late on under Potter. But on a positive note this was a really spirited performance and we've won at Arsenal and run Chelsea and Liverpool close. Paqueta, Kudus and Wan-Bissaka have had really good games at Anfield and the defence has stayed mainly solid. Southampton next is a potential banana skin, but you do feel at some point WHU and Potter's luck has to turn.