Billy Bonds is after you...

"Sort it out Billy!" was the shout you'd always hear from the Chicken Run or North Bank back in the 1970s and 1980s. My mum always thought that the name Billy Bonds sounded like a pirate and the adjective the press often attached to him was "buccaneering" as he rampaged across the pitch with his seventies beard and flowing hair. 

Billy was certainly a hard man and if anyone clattered Pat Holland or Trevor Brooking he would be there having a word or sliding in on the culprit. But Billy was also a very skilful player and underrated passer, as we saw when he made a comeback to play in midfield at 44 during the 1987-88 season.

Having signed from Charlton Bonzo started off as a right back but really shone when switched to defensive midfield. On The Big Match and in matches he always seemed to be shouting and pointing, organising his side. With Brooking and Paddon he formed the quality midfield that won the FA Cup in 1975. Bonds scored with some great long-range shots and volleys and finished the club's top scorer in the 1973-74 season with 13 goals, including a hat-trick against Chelsea. Bonzo netted quite a few headers too with that loping and bouncing spring of his. In the boozy 1970s side of Moore and Greaves and co he remained super-fit and, always a family man, he would the first to head for home after training or a match.

He was brilliant when moved to centre back too and with Alvin Martin formed the impregnable barrier that kept a clean sheet against Arsenal in the 1980 FA Cup win. Other career highlights were winning the old second division championship and reaching the League Cup Final in 1980-81. 

He wrote in his autobiography Bonzo of coming up against Vinny Jones when he was 40-odd and laughing at Jones' crude attempts to annoy him: "Vinny's attempts to wind me up with little shoves, tugs and taps at corners and set-pieces and non-stop verbals literally made me laugh."

Bonzo helped the club by becoming manager after Lou Macari, twice winning promotion and getting relegated once. But with his high standards he never seemed quite suited to the modern management of big-earners and though he never forgave Harry Redknapp for taking over, Harry was clearly the better buyer and seller of players. His spell at Millwall was regrettable from our point of view, but perhaps understandable for a south London lad.

Away from the pitch he was a very different character, a gentle man who was a keen bird-watcher. He was never arrogant and the biggest ire in his Bonzo autobiography was reserved for Ted MacDougall: "I played with and against some really great strikers, far better than he ever was. Yet none of them carried on as if waiters receptionists and the like were just menial workers instead of ordinary decent people doing a job."

I'm proud to have seen Bonzo lift the FA Cup twice at Wembley and it's hard to forget his tears on the pitch before the Newcastle game when the Billy Bonds Stand was officially named after him. His 799 games for the Hammers will surely never be beaten. The term legend is much over-used but he really was one. If only he was here to sort it out now. RIP Bonzo.

Liverpool come good as petulant Paqueta sees red

West Ham 0 Liverpool 2

Everything else is overshadowed by the morning's news that Billy Bonds has died.The club do pretty well at short notice to organise a video tribute, a minute's applause and Jarrod Bowen laying a number four shirt at the side of the pitch. The game starts to choruses of "Billy Bonds' Claret and Blue Army!" and 1970s classic, "Oh Billy Billy, Billy Billy Billy Billy Bonds!" plus another minute's applause in the fourth minute.

Liverpool haven't helped us by dropping Salah to give more support to their defence and recalling Gomez to the troubled right-back spot. Up against a team on their worst run in years and with Isak not having scored a goal — what could possibly go wrong? I'm joined by Matt and Lisa, Nigel, Michael and Big Sam, who has travelled up from Wales next to an annoying Chelsea fan who drank three bottles of wine before Paddington.

Kilman has been dropped with the Greek Bloke coming in while Magassa is in for the still-injured Jimmy Summerville. A few early West Ham corners are followed by Alisson dropping as if felled by the Grealish Sniper. Or was it just one of the black balloons popping? We suspect that Jack might be going down holding his leg somewhere on Merseyside.

West Ham compete reasonably well, without ever troubling Alisson. Magassa gets stuck in, Fernandes is busy and the Greek Bloke starts well. Liverpool are surprisingly physical and ref Darren England lets a lot go. It's Liverpool who create the first-half chances. Isak skies a shot over and then has a goalbound volley blocked by Areola's star-jump. While a long ball from Alisson sees Wan-Bissaka miskick and Wirtz allow Areola to save.

The breakthrough comes in the 60th minute. Clever footwork from Wirtz releases Gakpo whose low cross is cleverly steered home first-time by Isak, who has lost Dinos. Nuno brings on the £20m Guilherme and £27m Fullkrug in an effort to salvage a point, while for the Scousers £125m Isak is replaced by £69m Ekitike. The £116m Wirtz is replaced by Jones. 

SEEING RED

There's still a slight chance West Ham might grab a point until Paqueta gets himself sent off in ridiculous fashion. He waves his arms in the air after a free kick is awarded against Fullkrug and gets booked for dissent. Paqueta then pursues the ref and has to be held back by his Brazilian team-mate Alisson. We can all see what's going to happen from the Billy Bonds Stand. It's terrible captaincy from Bowen too, who should be marching Paqueta away from the referee, or instructing Dinos or Todibo to get him away. Lucas talks himself into an utterly self-indulgent second yellow and departs ironically applauding the referee. 

Paqueta later posts on X that he's received no support from the FA over his two-year purgatory facing those betting changes, but even if that's the case he's got a duty to his team-mates and the club who stood by him. This sending off was, as the BBC puts it, nonsensical.

West Ham do fashion their only decent chance after Paqueta's departure. Guilherme dribbles towards the box, Fullkrug's strength sees the ball fall to Bowen who curls it just wide. Jarrod's had a frustrating afternoon not really running at Kerkez and looks as if he might be carrying a slight knock.

In added time Liverpool score a second against our ten men as Mavropanos misses the ball and Gakpo chests it down to shoot home. Not exactly the way we wanted to pay tribute to Billy Bonds.

We retreat to the Eagle where Nigel reminisces about telling Ian Gillan that Smoke on the Water was the first song played at his wedding. As we watch Chelsea play Arsenal Matt lists his top five most hated PL players, including Joao Pedro, Enzo Fernandez and Villa's Martinez. Lisa thinks he might actually have a list of 365 most hated players. The juke box plays Down Under to mark Matt's brother's imminent visit from Australia for the Villa game — what could possibly go right?

So it's Man United away on Thursday with Paqueta suspended for gross stupidity followed by a difficult away match at Brighton. This wasn't a terrible performance and Liverpool are not as bad as recent form suggests, but we need action in the window to stay up.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Wan-Bissaka 5, Mavropanos 5, Todibo 6, Diouf 5; Magassa 6 (Guilherme 5), Potts 6 (Soucek n/a), Fernandes 6, Paqueta 3; Bowen 5, Wilson 5 (Fullkrug 6). 

Wilson and Areola earn away point for the Irons

Bournemouth 2 West Ham 2 

Leaving home in a downpour it's a nervous journey to Stratford Library for my spot at the Newham Festival of Stories, as West Ham are two up at half-time. I'm appearing at a talk with maths guru and West Ham ambassador Bobby Seagull and Hammers historian Tim Crane author of the just-published A History of West Ham United. On arrival it's 2-1 and with seasoned Irons Bobby and Tim we're soon despairing at 2-2 and then relieved we don't actually lose. 

Paqueta is suspended and Summerville injured, with Guilherme coming in on the left and Freddie Potts thankfully fit to play. Igor makes his full debut in a five-man defence. West Ham's first goal is route one as Areola's punt downfield is expertly controlled on his chest by Callum Wilson. His snap shot on a wet pitch takes Petrovic by surprise and the Irons are 1-0 up after 11 minutes. Brooks misses a half-chance for the Cherries but astonishingly it's two after half an hour as a free kick into the box is kept alive by headers from Bowen and Todibo. Wilson controls it on his chest and swivels to hook a brilliant finish past the keeper. He's become the first PL player to score twice without making a pass.

Bournemouth improve after the break as Iraola brings on Christie and Jimenez while Nuno makes a strange substitution taking off Wilson for Soucek seven minutes into the second half.  He thinks Wilson looks tired and with his injury record has to be used judiciously, but even so it's strange to bring off a player on a hat-trick. Soucek has come on and scored in the last two games but he's not fast and not a target man. Surely bringing on Fullkrug, who does appear after 75 minutes, would have given the Hammers more of a focus to relieve the pressure? Guilherme has to go off injured at the break too, which deprives the Hammers of some speed on the left flank.

The Cherries start to bombard the Hammers goal. Areola makes a fine save with his feet to deny Christie. The breakthrough comes in the 69th minute when Kilman slips and his hand brushes the ball as he falls to give away a penalty. Bournemouth argue it's also a red card, though it's hard to see where else he could have put his arm after sliding in the deluge. Tavernier duly scores. 

THE FONZ IS COOL

Areola makes a brilliant save with his feet to deny Kroupi, but it's 2-2 after 81 minutes as sub Unal gets between Kilman and Igor to fire home. From then on it's Bournemouth against the Fonz. He makes a reflex save to deny Tavernier, another fine stop from Adki and then another great foot stop from Unal. 

Did Nuno's conservatism cost us the win or was it simply a case of being forced back by an improved Bournemouth? In the end we're grateful for a point, though as Newham Festival of Stories attendee Matt says, beforehand we'd have settled for seven points from the Newcastle, Burnley and Bournemouth games. Next up we face crisis club Liverpool. 

Meanwhile it's an entertaining session at Stratford Library and good to hear Tim Crane's stories of Vic Watson and co, Bobby Seagull's tale of playing against Jermain Defoe at school plus the audience tales of Clyde Best, Bobby Moore and more. Come on you Irons!

Irons at the Newham Festival of Stories

Looking forward to appearing on a West Ham panel at the Newham Festival of Stories on Saturday Nov 22nd, from 5-6pm. I'll be on stage with maths wizard and Hammers fanatic Bobby Seagull and West Ham historian Tim Crane author of A History of West Ham United talking about the influence of West Ham on the borough. Click on the link above for free tickets.

Fullkrug can only leave on West Ham's terms

It seems likely that Niclas Fullkrug will be on his bike in January, with a number of German clubs interested in signing the injury-prone striker. Fullkrug's agent Thorsten Wirth has said in a podcast: "Looking back, we have to say the transfer didn’t work out. There’s no point in sugar-coating it. This always has to happen in cooperation with the club, but I believe it can make sense to change something there." 

That seems a little simplistic as Fullkrug's problem has been that he's always injured rather than his choice of club. Two of his injuries have occurred while with the Germany squad so perhaps it's time for him to retire from international football and put his body under less strain. It would be a mistake to let Fullkrug go on loan as he's on a reported £100k a week and West Ham would likely have to pay a large slice of his wages. A cash offer might be tempting but it's going to be very difficult to sign a replacement striker in January when clubs are reluctant to sell halfway through the season.

My best option would be to get him fit, hold him to his contract and keep him until the end of the season. Fullkrug, who cost £27 million, was starting to show some form last season with goals at Leicester and Man City, only to do his hamstring at Villa in the FA Cup. He returned to score a fine header against Bournemouth and be "very angry" after the Southampton draw, but once again this season he has succumbed to injury and has only ever started 13 games for the Irons. 

He's the sort of player who needs games but when he has got a run together he's started to look a decent striker. Nuno started him in his first two games and likes a big target man so it makes sense to keep him as an option. West Ham are going to need an alternative to the 33-year-old Callum Wilson at some stage and we need all the strikers we can get. After failing to get the best out of Haller and Scamacca it would be satisfying to finally get some kind of return from another expensive international striker.

No doubting Tomas as Hammers win two in a row

West Ham 3 Burnley 2

It's exceedingly strange that some people decide to get married in the football season and then celebrate their anniversary ten years later, all without checking the WHU fixture list. But that's how I find myself getting a lift in a two-hour drive from Cardiff to the remote village of Caio where Her Indoors' eco-pals are holding a party. But I'm remaining in touch with events in Stratford as worrying news arrives on Whats App that Nigel has forgotten his lucky banana. Big Sam is laid low with dodgy tonsils while Matt and Lisa have been watching the under-18s and are gutted to be missing the West Ham float in the Lady Mayoress's parade.

By all accounts West Ham take half an hour to get going as Scott Parker's Burnley look the better side with Flemming, who isn't wearing number 007, almost getting on the end of a dangerous cross. The Clarets take the lead when Diouf allows Ugochukwu too much time to cross and Flemming gets ahead of Kilman too easily to head home. Is this going to be the familiar return to mediocrity after the Newcastle win?

Thankfully the Hammers get going after that shock. Bowen wins a corner from which Kilman has a header blocked. From another corner the Irons equalise. Summerville takes a short corner to Potts who returns the ball to him. Jimmy drives into the box and his shot is deflected into the air for Callum Wilson to stoop and score a typical poacher's goal. Not bad for someone Mystic Matt predicted might never score for us.

Potts again looks tidy in midfield and Mateus Fernandes is singled out on Match of the Day for a great performance and 98 per cent passing success rate. He's getting in tackles and driving the Hammers forward, while also taking some the creative pressure off Paqueta. But it's the arrival of Tomas Soucek, who replaces the dead-legged Freddie Potts, that changes the game. 

Flemming doesn't live twice as he heads over, while Summerville chooses the wrong option and shoots into the side netting. Fernandes wins a corner on 77 minutes. Summerville's dead-ball is cleared for Paqueta to cross back in. Dubravka flaps at the ball and only succeeds in pushing the ball on to Soucek, who scores from close range for the second week running and does his whirligig celebration. That goalkeeping error was the bit of luck we needed.

Areola does really well to stick a leg out to deflect Walker's goalbound cross as the Clarets' nearly equalise. With three minutes left sub Igor passes infield to Soucek. Burnley make Tomas  look like Franz Beckenbauer as he races through a vacant midfield to fire a shot at Dubravka. The keeper spills it and in a race between Bowen and Walker-Peters the former Saints man wins to score his first Hammers goal.

That should be it, but there's still time for the dodgy goalkeeping bug to catch on as the Fonz drops Bruun Larsen's shot into the path of former Hammer Josh Cullen who makes it 3-2. 

The verdict of Nigel's Burnley-supporting mate is, "Two poor teams proven by the fact that Soucek with his speed and skill  made the difference." That's certainly the first time I've heard the words speed and Soucek in the same sentence. 

Though the result was everything in this one and on ten points the Irons are now level with Burnley and one point behind Leeds and Fulham. It certainly makes the half-hour post-party trek in the rain down a dark country lane to a box room in a remote Airbnb rather more bracing. Thirty more points and we're safe! 

We've won at home! Soucek seals victory over Geordies

West Ham 3 (three) Newcastle 1 

The day begins with another Guardian article from Jacob Steinberg reading, "West Ham are a shambles - and Nuno shows little sign of being able to fix it." These are desperate times and as Nigel's lucky banana isn't working I take my lucky daughter, Nell, now a 24-year-old with an MA who as a seven-year-old predicted we might one day win Infinity-nil. We're joined by Nigel and CQ plus Michael the Whovian, with Matt, Lisa and Big Sam unavailable for selection.

Nuno has at least picked a sensible side with the full backs not inverted and Potts and Fernandes in central midfield instead of Irving and Soucek. The first four minutes seem to sum up our season as some nice passing between Diouf and Paqueta releases Summerville to drive at the Toon defence. His pass finds Bowen who thumps his shot against the inside of the post. From the rebound Newcastle break and with Kilman upfield Diouf is turned inside out by Murphy who scores 26 seconds later with a fine shot across Areola.

Surely things can't get any worse. Our season is going the way of Lily Allen's marriage and Andrew Mountbatten Windsor's career prospects. "They've made us angry now," I tell Nell, fearing another capitulation. Yet the Hammers stick at it. Wan-Bissaka wins a sliding tackle, plays a give and go with Jarrod Bowen, who is bought down in the box for a penalty. Only VAR intervenes to rule that Thiaw got a toe to the ball first. Next Summerville wins a free kick. Paqueta puts it under the wall and Pope makes a fine save to tip the ball on to the post. From the corner Max Kilman has a header tipped over by Pope.

The crowd stick with the Irons sensing that there is something different about this side. Young Freddie Potts is snapping into tackles and playing sensibly in front of the defence while Fernandes and Paqueta are working really hard with the side getting the ball forward much quicker. We even appear able to defend corners.

Redemption arrives after 35 minutes. Pope punches a cross clear, Fernandes passes it short to Paqueta and Lucas fires a well-placed left-foot shot into the bottom corner, celebrating with an arm pointed to the great VAR God above.

Areola makes a fine low save to deny Gordon and we fear that West Ham will yet again concede just before the break. But instead Fernandes cleverly chips over three players to release Wan-Bissaka who charges down the right and crosses. Botman sticks out a leg and diverts home for an own goal. That's the piece of luck we needed.

HE'S ONE OF OUR OWN

At half-time Michael rashly predicts a 4-2 home win as we enjoy the pleasant if worrying sensation of being ahead and discuss Steve Potts' one goal for West Ham in a 7-1 win over Hull City.

The Irons mount some promising attacks as Wilson goes off for Soucek after 61 minutes, with Tomas playing as an emergency striker. Kilman has another header tipped over by Pope. After that corner a series of crosses come in and Potts seems to have poked in the third, though sodding VAR intervenes again and Soucek is ruled offside by a toe.

What a moment that would have been for 22-year-old Freddie and dad Steve, sitting on the West Ham bench. "Freddie Potts, he's one of our own!" chant the home fans. It's no coincidence that Kilman and Todibo have looked much better with a defensive shield in front of them.

For all the criticism of the London Stadium, spontaneous choruses of I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles start to ring round the bowl and it's really quite noisy. Finally the fans have something to get behind.

Michael starts to get worried as Walker-Peters replaces Summerville, and the Hammers sit back. But it's not until the 89th minute that the Toon have an effort on target with Osula's header easily saved by Areola. "Five minutes and we're almost there!" suggests Nigel in added time, having just seen the Stranglers at the Roundhouse.

SMELLS LIKE TEAM SPIRIT

We're in the 97th minute when Kilman wins a massive header. It falls to Bowen who plays a give and go with Paqueta. Jarrod shoots low through the legs of Pope and bouncing Czech Tomas Soucek is on hand to prod the ball over the line. VAR tries to intervene but eventually it's allowed and Nuno is embracing his staff before leading the team on a victory lap of the stadium. VE Day must have felt a bit like like this. It's West Ham's best home performance for two years and this has looked much more like the solid counter-attacking team Nuno had at Forest. For once everyone in the side has played well - a real team performance. If it hadn't been for the post and VAR the score might have been infinity-one.

It's West Ham's first home victory since beating Leicester on February 27. We're not sure how to celebrate a victory but opt for a trip to the Eagle for Guinness, Peroni, Jameson whisky and Spitfire. BBC Sport has the very unusual words "impressive West Ham" in its match headline. After that there's the shock of Michael Carrick and Robert Green being nice about us on Match of the Day. This victory is a step forward though we now have to follow it up by getting a result against Burnley. But for the first time in ages WHU looked like a team. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Wan-Bissaka 8, Kilman 8, Todibo 7, Diouf 7; Potts 8, Fernandes 8 (Igor n/a), Paqueta 8; Summerville 7 (Walker-Peters 7), Wilson 7 (Soucek 7), Bowen 8.

Don't give up (yet)

For many fans it seems West Ham are already down. Martin Samuel has just written a long piece in the Sunday Times headlined, "West Ham's squad looks immune to even the  smartest coaching." He makes a couple of good points, namely that fans boycotting games isn't going to help the confidence of the players (protests are best done before or after matches) and also that the stadium isn't the major problem. 

Samuel writes: "Dissenters often pretend that all they want is the old West Ham back — pie and mash, the Boleyn Ground, a trophy every 43 years — but the reality is the mood is synced to the football. When West Ham are playing well, the London Stadium is not perfect, but fine. It has noise, it has atmosphere. When West Ham are making progress in Europe or beating Chelsea, there is no problem at all. In times like this, however, it sucks the life from all who enter. The fans are absent, angry or silent. The players are anxious and lost."

He's also right about the lack of strategy and the fact that the squad is a mishmash of players assembled by David Moyes, David Sullivan, Tim Steidten, Graham Potter and Kyle Macaulay. As he says: "This is a stupid football club, making stupid decisions and it has done for too long."

But has all hope gone? As Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush might suggest, Don't Give Up. Or not just yet. There are 29 games left. As Michael Carrick said on Match of The Day, there's talent in a forward line of Summerville, Paqueta, Wilson and Bowen. While Niclas Fullkrug, if he ever gets fit, is still loved at Borussia Dortmund and might come good with an extended run. 

Our defending from corners has been terrible, but as Robert Green revealed on Sky, Big Sam used to drill the players for hours on defending corners so that it became easy on match days. Surely Nuno can do the same? Kilman and Todibo don't seem to be able to play as a partnership but could one of them improve with a new signing or Igor alongside them? While there were signs in Nuno's first two games that Mavropanos was cutting out the unforced errors.

We have to hope that Nuno gets over his early madness for tinkering. Surely he must now have the evidence that inverted full backs don't work and Irving and Soucek are too slow in central midfield? In his first two games starting with Magassa as a defensive midfielder and replacing him late on with Potts worked well enough. There's also hope that Fernandes, after scoring at Leeds, is going to start looking like a £40m midfielder.

It's not going to be easy. Sunderland have 17 points and seem certain to stay up. We have to hope that the relegation battle involves Wolves, Burnley, Leeds and perhaps a middling club like Notts Forest, Fulham or Brentford dragged down by injuries or a poor run. We need to not get cut adrift by Christmas. Creativity will be needed in the January window with perhaps loans for a defender, a young striker and a box-to-box midfielder. But win a few games and relegation becomes somebody else's problem. It's not all over yet.

A trip to Elland back as WHU make worst start in 52 years

Leeds United 2 West Ham 1

It's a trip with Matt to the World's End, our latest unlucky pub, as Halloween starts a week early with Nuno making another scary team selection. He's again playing Scarles as a right back and Wan-Bissaka is now on the left with Diouf in a five-man defence. He's again playing Irving and Soucek in central midfield while ignoring Magassa and Fernandes, and with Fullkrug injured has again opted not to play a striker in Callum Wilson. Nuno is overthinking this.

We settle down with pints of Landlord next to two blokes in Leeds shirts who turn out to be Matt's friends, so we avoid steaming in and instead say hello. Leeds score with their first attack. Bogle (are Leeds now our Bogle team?) has too much time to cross from the right and Okafor gets ahead of Scarles to head towards Areola. The keeper parries it and Aaronson reacts quicker than Todibo and Wan-Bissaka to prod home the rebound. Scarles is a promising left-back, but he's at fault here. Why did Nuno think it a good idea to play him on the right for the first time in two crucial relegation six-pointers?

There are signs of life in the WHU attack as Summerville does well to get in a cross and Bowen's overhead kick is parried by Perri, who manages to get a second touch to flick the ball away from Paqueta. But on 15 minutes Leeds win a corner. The ball drifts over Kilman and Todibo and Rodon is inexplicably being marked by Paqueta. The big man thumps home his header. You can't give teams a two-goal start. Marking isn't Paqueta's game and he should surely be left upfield at corners so the opposition have to keep a man back.

Callum Wilson is already warming up when Scarles goes down with a shoulder injury and Nuno is forced into playing a more conventional line-up. Wilson might have lost a bit of pace but he does fairly well holding the ball up and winning free kicks, while Bowen is more effective cutting in from the right. West Ham seem to have pulled one back as Bowen drives in from the left and Wilson blocks a clearance with the ball falling to Lucas to fire home,. But VAR rules that Paqueta is just offside though there's an argument that the ball came off the Leeds defender last. 

Soucek heads wide from a good Bowen cross and Bowen shoots wide but it's Leeds who almost score before the break as Okafor twists and turns past Todibo to fire just wide. More beer is the only option at half-time.

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

Andy Irving is a neat passer but lacks the pace and tackling ability we need. The second half starts with Aaronson racing from hois own half through our porous midfield, past Irving, Soucek and Paqueta, and having a shot deflected on to the bar. 

Nuno brings on Fernandes and Potts on 65 minutes and West Ham dominate possession. Magassa gets on for the final 15 minutes. Paqueta tries his best and plays well but we don't really threaten as crosses come to nothing and Leeds make defending corners look easy. Still, we keep at it and on 90 minutes Bowen's chip into the box is glanced home by the head of Fernandes.

Any hope of a late equaliser disappears with an overhit cross from Todibo and it's another depressing defeat.This is now West Ham's worst start in 52 years and we have broken a PL record by conceding nine goals from corners in the first nine games. 

There's some hope in the second half performance but Nuno needs to stop tinkering. Let's try playing the full-backs in their correct positions, give the £60m pair of Magassa and Fernandes games in midfield and play a striker up front with Bowen cutting in from the right. Sean Dyche has said he'll put players in their right positions at Nottingham Forest and Nuno needs to so the same. And how about appointing a set-piece coach? With two home games coming up it's time to keep it simple.

Dire Hammers stung by Bees

West Ham 0 Brentford 2

The only fireworks on display are in the pre-match entertainment. Lisa and Matt have been to Germany to see Dortmund's yellow wall, while our claret and blue wall is peppered with white thanks to the fans' boycott. Nigel, Michael and Big Sam, up from Wales, make up our number.

Nuno's selection is very strange. Wan-Bissaka and Diouf are dropped for Walker-Peters and Scarles, who are weirdly played on their wrong sides with Scarles on the right and Wan-Bissaka on the left. Todibo is in and the Greek Bloke is out, Magassa is dropped having payed in the last two games and the central midfield is the strange and slow pairing of Andy Irving, making his home debut after 780 days, and Tomas Soucek. Nuno plays Bowen as a striker, with Paqueta interchanging, negating our best force on the right and leaves Wilson on the bench. OK, some players may be tired after international duty and Nuno wants to look at all his players, but it's like he's playing an experimental pre-season match rather than a must-win game.

West Ham start brightly winning a series of corners and with Summerville making some threatening runs. Portobello Pirlo Andy Irving looks quite dangerous with his dead ball delivery. But soon West Ham are getting bullied in midfield as Thiago starts to threaten and Brentford dominate. A throw in is flicked on and Thiago shoots against the bar. Brentford win numerous corners and Areola has to claw away Damsgaard's header. Matt suggests that if we are willing Schade to miss it might be a case of Schade-fruede.

Yet again the Hammers concede just before the break. After a ball over the top Kilman misses his clearance and Schade finds Thiago, whose shot spins off Areola's hand and over the line in slow motion. Bowen at least has a low snapshot saved by Kelleher. Big Brentford striker Thiago seems to net a second in added time, though luckily VAR rules him just offside.

"The world outside is bad enough without the football being like this," laments Michael. Nigel eats his lucky banana more in hope than expectation at half-time. 

Nuno brings on AWB, Diouf and the Greek Bloke at half-time in an admission that he's got the defence wrong. Soon after the restart Schade heads against the bar. Wan-Bissaka does make a bit if a difference on the right and we look better with our natural full-backs. But the only real chance is when Summerville sets up Bowen for a skied shot.

WIN OR LOSE ON THE BOOS

Nuno ignores Callum Wilson for some reason and brings on the raw Callum Marshall who runs around a lot but gets little change out of the giant centre backs. The arrival of Guido Rodriguez for Soucek is greeted with boos, which you don't like to hear, though it does seem bizarre when Magassa and Potts are on the bench.

Thiago and Lewis-Potter go close. Todibo completely misses a tackle and has had another worrying game. West Ham are down to ten men when the Greek Bloke pulls a muscle and waits an age for the Noddy Car to arrive.

The coup de grace comes in added time as Lewis-Potter capitalises on some poor defending from Diouf and crosses for Jensen to score. This is the first time in West Ham's history the club has lost the first four home games of the season. It's been less of a new manager bounce and more of a new manager splodge.

Walking to Ye Olde Black Bull we search for positives. "We didn't concede from a set-piece," suggests Big Sam. "And we have a 100 per cent record in London derbies," I add.

In the Black Bull over Brixton Pale we wonder how Michael the Thespian will review this Samuel Beckett-like performance at the London Stadium. Lisa mentions Krapp's Last Tape and Happy Days, where Winnie is buried in a hole in the ground up to her waist and then her neck. So nothing like West Ham.

This really feels like we're going down and Leeds away is coming up on Friday. Nuno Espirito Santo really needs to ask his holy spirit for help. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Scarles 4 (Diouf 4), Kilman 4, Todibo 3, Walker-Peters 4 (Wan-Bissaka 6); Soucek 5 (Rodriguez 4), Irving 4 (Marshall 4), Paqueta 5, Fernandes 4 (Mavropanos 5), Summerville 6; Bowen 5.

Nuno: not your typical gaffer

Reading up on Nuno Espirito Santo it's clear he's not your typical gaffer. We've not had too many horsemen at West Ham, apart from the odd visit from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse during relegation seasons. But Nuno has a great love of horses and likes to ride in the morning before going to training, as you do. Well, it beats Big Sam's Ford Fiesta. You'd expect a bloke whose name translates as "Holy Spirit" to be a bit different. The gaffer also likes padel, a racquet game that is a hybrid of tennis and squash and plays a percussion instrument called a handpan.

Nuno grew up on the island nation of Sao Tome and Principe, off the west coast of central Africa and seems to have quite a cultural hinterland. Whereas Graham Potter could at times sound a little David Brent-ish, Nuno looks and sounds more like the leader of some obscure religious cult. Henry Winter describes him as "soulful". 

As a player Nuno was a goalkeeper, itself unusual for a manager. He was signed by Jose Mourinho at Porto where he won the Champions League and several league titles, which should generate some respect in the dressing room. 

ZEN AND THE ART OF MIDFIELD MAINTENANCE

He's been around a bit, managing at Valencia and Porto before a very successful spell at Wolves where he won the Championship and steered them to seventh place in the PL. He wasn't really given a chance at Spurs but then won the Saudi Pro League and steered Forest away from trouble and into Europe, being in the top four for most of last season. Fans of the Tricky Trees are certainly missing him to judge by their reaction to Big Ange.

Nuno clearly has something about him. His former winger Anthony Elanga told the Athletic: “He is chilled, but quite demanding at the same time." So far he's tightened up the defence a little and made a point of giving young Freddie Potts and Callum Marshall some minutes - playing home-grown kids always goes down well with Hammers' fans. He is used to working with difficult chairmen after his experience with Marinakas at Forest. So hopefully Nuno will be able to cope with David Sullivan, who now seems set to have a bigger say in transfers. Nuno will need all his Zen-like qualities to cope with all the churn and dysfunction at West Ham. Let's hope he succeeds.

Two-nil to the Arsenal

Arsenal 2 West Ham 0

I'm undercover for this one thanks to my Gooner pal. We're on the halfway line with a fine view and genteel crowd, including Robert Peston and behind me a Gunner who saw his first Arsenal game in 1948.

Wan-Bissaka is back in the side, but feeling his way back is not the force he was in this fixture last season. West Ham win a corner in the first minute, which Fullkrug, under pressure, heads over, and that's about it attack wise. Arsenal sweep forward and Timber forces a good low save from Areola. A goalmouth scramble sees Eze shoot over when he should score.

Odegaard makes PL history by going off after 30 mins for the third game in a row after a clash of knees with Summerville. But it's a sign of Arsenal's strength in depth that he's replaced by the £60m Zubimendi.

The breakthrough comes after 38 minutes as Zubimendi's fine through ball sees Eze force a  save from Areola but Declan Rice strike home the rebound. At least Declan doesn't celebrate. "Declan Rice, we got him half price!" chant the Gunners' fans. It's nearly two just before the break as Calafiori's shot rebounds off a post on to Areola's back and is scrambled away.

To be slightly positive West Ham work hard and do keep their shape against the possible champions. The Greek Bloke wins a lot in the air and has a decent game against Gyokeres, while Kilman also does well. We even manage to defend corners reasonably well. The away fans amuse themselves with a chant of "Who's the wanker with the drum?"

But it's still all one-way. Zubimendi chips over the defence and Diouf shows his inexperience by letting Timber get behind him. He brings down Timber on the edge of the box and the ref gives a penalty. Saka makes it 2-0. "You're going down!" chant the home fans.

Fernandes is busy at times and Nuno shows bravery by taking off Magassa and Fullkrug for youngsters Potts and Marshall. Both are energetic but powerless as Arsenal play out a routine win. Very late on Bowen wins a corner and Marshall gets above Saliba only to head over.

Oh well, it was only two-nil and Arsenal habec spent £240m plus on Zubimendi, Eze, Madueke and Gyokeres. This was never a game West Ham were likely to get much from but Nuno will have learned more about his team and at least the discipline and shape looked a bit better against a top side. Let's see what he can do in the two weeks before Brentford.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 5; Kilman 6, Mavropanos 6, Diouf 5; Bowen 5, Paqueta 6, Magassa 5 (Potts 5), Fernandes 6, Summerville 6; Fullkrug 5 (Marshall 5).

Bowen bags battling point at Everton

Everton 1 West Ham 1

We're at the Floirin in Holloway Road for the start of the Nuno Espirito Santo era. North London Irons Matt, Chief Super Sub Lisa and Denis join me over some well-kept pints of Guinness (at only £4.90 a pint) and lashings of Tayto crisps. Ward-Prowse is out of the squad, which seems a little unfair on a good pro, as is Todibo, while Magassa starts.

The first half sees a lot of Everton pressure and some grittier defending from the Hammers with Kilman and Mavropanos making some decent blocks. Magassa grows into the game and makes some good tackles, he picks up a yellow card but looks like the big strong CDM we need. Summerville is our likeliest outlet.

Everton take the lead after a corner. Areola makes a good punch away but the ball is recycled to Garner on the left. He's in too much space and Keane gets in front of Fullkrug to score with a thumping header over Areola. It's nearly two when Dewsbury-Hall fluffs another headed chance.

The second half sees West Ham gain in confidence. Summerville latches on to a poor defensive header and forces a good save from Pickford. The equaliser comes when Summerville shows good skill to find Diouf on the left. The full-back appears to be on a moped as he races clear of two defenders and pings in a fine cross. It's headed away by Keane to Bowen, who cuts inside and powers it home aided by a slight deflection. Jarrod runs to the away fan and holds his badge.

The Moyes derby is so exciting that Denis forgets his plans to go home and watch Belfast cop drama Blue Lights. Nuno looks more animated on the bench than Potter, accompanied by a mystery bloke in glasses. 

Areola has to make a fine low save from Garner but it's West Ham who look likelier to win it at the end as they gain a number of corners. Paqueta should shoot but tries to beat a man too many as Moyes starts to look agitated. Freddie Potts is on for the carded Magassa and does well in his cameo while Nuno wastes some time on 94 minutes by bringing on Igor and Irving.

So a morale-boosting away point and a much better performance. Nuno kept it simple and built from a solid defence, which suited these players better. Everyone put in a shift and Jimmy Summerville, Diouf and Bowen had fine games. Now all we have to do is get a result at the Emirates. COYI!

Potter out, Nuno in

So Graham Potter has finally gone and it seems Nuno Espirito Santo is certain to be his replacement. It was a little cruel to let Potter do his press conference on Friday, though you don't expect classy sackings at West Ham under the current ownership. Potter was in deep trouble after the home fans chanted "sacked in the morning!" against Palace. I don't like sacking managers, but there's been few signs of hope since Potter took over. It's not as if we've been playing well and not getting results. 

Potter had a free hit with the second half of last season. He wasn't helped by injuries but apart from a slight improvement defensively the team still looked flat. This season's five defeats out of six have been calamitous and the mood at home games has been apathetic. Yes, he's been let down by the players but conceding six goals from corners points to a basic lack of organisation in defence and the lack of a set-piece coach. His midfield reinforcements arrived late and Hermansen has proved a poor signing so far in goal. Another problem has been Potter's lack of charisma. It's ok to be calm in a crisis but he's failed to galvanise the fans and too often lapses into middle-management speak when the fans want a bit of passion and some pithy quotes.

Will Nuno Espirito Santo be a good fit? His record at Wolves and Forest is certainly impressive and he's used to dealing with a difficult chairman. Signing Milenkovic and Murillo proves he can spot a good centre back and he got the best out of an ageing striker in Chris Wood, so hopefully he might do the same for Fullkrug and Wilson. It would be back to counter-attacking football, which is ok with me if done effectively, and Nuno will hope that Bowen and Summerville can do similar jobs to Elanga and Hudson-Odoi at Forest. If the new gaffer is in charge at Everton then it will give us more cause for optimism.

But the biggest problem at West Ham has been the ownership not the managers. David Sullivan has certainly spent some money, but he's veered all over the place in terms of club direction. He listened to the voices on the phone-ins instead of having the strength to keep Moyes after a ninth placed finish and Europa League quarter-final. Throughout his tenure the club has gone from pragmatic to romantic managers and back again, all with scattergun recruitment. Since Moyes we've had three managers and two recruitment gurus in Tim Steidten and Kyle Macauley. Again it's a hasty appointment made in panic mode, but let's hope the club might have got it right this time.

Ending West Ham's defensive woes

So Graham Potter remains in charge for the trip to Everton on Monday and the big issue is how to stop West Ham conceding goals from corners. As Match of the Day pointed out we have a problem with teams packing the far post and don't seem to have the leaders at the back to address it. There's also the problem of players like Mateta blocking off the goalkeeper. The vaguely zonal marking system just doesn't seem to work so let's just try sticking with a man each. That seemed to work during my days in the Shenfield School First X1.

Some changes of personnel might help. Areola is our best goalkeeper and Hermansen is always going to be targeted after his poor start. It's a shame Wan-Bissaka remains out with a stomach problem as he's a natural tackler despite a poor game against Chelsea, though Walker-Peters has done ok in his absence. The only centre-back who hasn't been dropped this season is Max Kilman, so perhaps it's time to give Igor a go and restore Jean-Clair Todibo, who cost £36 million and was once wanted by a host of top clubs. Potter was a centre back himself so it's mystifying why he can't get a back-line organised.

Part of the problem has been small players like Paqueta, Fernandes and Ward-Prowse picking up giants at set-pieces so who not do what Harry Redknapp did and keep two or three players up when defending a corner? That way the attacking side has to keep more defenders back and out of our box.

SMALL TEAM IN STRATFORD

Now Zouma, Ogbonna, Dawson, Rice and Antonio have gone West Ham are a small side new signing Magassa who is six foot two might be option in midfield, though he struggled as a sub against Palace. It's important Tomas Soucek returns. James Gheerbrant recently wrote an interesting piece on the bouncing Czech in the Times entitled, "Soucek's unique skill set: he jogs, he blocks, he scores (but no assists)." The piece points out that although Tomas is relatively slow his blocking record at the back is phenomenal and that as a midfielder in the Premier League he's scored only two less goals (he's got 36 in total) than Kevin de Bruyne from fewer chances.

Potter is a decent man (and internet meme) but the way we are losing games isn't offering much hope while his slow-passing possession style seems outdated now the Premier League is reverting to long throw-ins and more direct football. The likelihood remains that Moyes' Everton will end the Potter reign and Nuno Espirito Santo (who sounds a bit like a Duolingo course) be appointed. Some tactical tweaks are essential and perhaps praying to the deity of your choice might also be advisable. Though as at Forest, football can surprise us all. Come on you not very solid Irons.

Palace leave West Ham and Potter feeling bad all over

West Ham 1 Crystal Palace 2

It's an early start to catch the 7.30am bus from our holiday cottage in Grasmere. Then on to Windermere station, a train to Oxenholme then another train to Euston, then the tube. All for a trip to see a top London side — and also West Ham.

There's been a demo against Sullivan and Brady before the game, the fans rightly exasperated that the Irons are less professional in recruitment than Brighton, Bournemouth, Brentford, Fulham and Crystal Palace among others.

Inside a humid London Stadium Nigel is wearing three layers and has been to see Spinal Tap in the hope that West Ham can up the volume to 11. Alison has escaped Farage-land to join us in place of Michael the Whovian, who has gone down with a bout of West Ham-related nihilism. Foul-weather fan Alison reveals that her partner Biff has chosen the entire Palace defence for his Fantasy Football line-up, which will surely ensure we lose. Lisa and Matt have come via watching the WHU kids and the Best Meze Cafe, with Matt sporting a BAC-sponsored shirt from the days of the Championship and Trevor Morley. BAC means Back As Champions? Could be useful for next season.

Potter has dropped Hermansen for Areola and Wilson starts up front. Jimmy Summerville has a couple of decent runs down the left and Henderson has to punch away a dangerous Ward-Prowse corner. But a warning comes as Palace win two headers in the box as Kamada nods wide.

Almost inevitably West Ham's glass jaw is exposed at a Palace corner after 37 minutes. Geuhi gets above Kilman and Areola tips his header on to the bar. Mavropanos has gone back on the line rather than pick up Mateta, who heads home. The home crowd don't even seem that angry.

Just before the break West Ham produce the best move of the game as Paqueta and Diouf combine to release Summerville, who plays a fine ball to Wilson in front of goal. But instead of shooting first time Callum tries to turn inside and gets tackled. Matt sees the ghost of Danny Ings, a player who would have gobbled up such chances a few years previously.

The sun comes out for the second half as Palace almost make it two as another corner sees Lacroix head against the bar. But West Ham come forward to win two corners. As Diouf sends the second corner in Bowen strolls away from his marker to angle in a delicate header to equalise.

West Ham have a good spell for 15 minutes as we wonder if Potter has maybe thrown his ballpoint pen across the dressing room in exasperation at half-time. The crowd get behind the side as Diouf gets forward well and Ward-Prowse is also having a decent game. Paqueta has a dangerous cross hacked away and Walker-Peters forces a low save from Henderson. 

SACKED IN THE MORNING?

Just as things are improving Palace go ahead. Wharton chips in a cross that the Greek Bloke does reasonably well to head away. But the ball falls to defender Mitchell who volleys hame an unstoppable effort with his wrong foot. Potter has become an unlucky manager as well as an unconvincing one. 

Things turn nasty as the injured Summerville goes off for Guilherme and Magassa replaces Fernandes. The crowd don't like Fernandes going off and chant, "You don't know what your doing!" at the beleaguered Potter. The Bobby Moore Stand also joins in with the Palace fans chant of "Sacked in the morning!", which you don't like to hear.

The subs make the Irons worse. Fullkrug tries to rough up the Palace centre backs with little effect, Guilherme can't get into the game and Magassa struggles to adjust to the pace. Palace see the game out without looking in danger.

The rain and wind arrives as we trudge towards the Eagle with Nigel's extra layers now looking prescient. Potter's job is surely on the line now. You don't like to see managers sacked but it's the way we're losing that is worrying. Nuno Espirito Santo is the name being mentioned, a good gaffer though is he the man to fire up the fanbase?

At least the Eagle has Spitfire in the fridge as Matt tries to cheer us up by asking us to name all West Ham's Portuguese players. We go through Porfirio, Dani, Futre, Fonte and a few others, though for the full list you'll have to consult Matt's mind palace. It wasn't really worth getting up at 6.30am for this. It was a better performance at times but if you can't defend set pieces you won't stay in the Premier League. As the Stranglers might put it, something better change.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Walker-Peters 6, Kilman 5, Mavropanos 5, Diouf 7; Ward-Prowse 6, Fernandes 6 (Magassa 5), Paqueta 6, Summerville 6 (Guilherme 4); Bowen 7, Wilson 5 (Fullkrug 5).

It all goes a bit Spursy for West Ham

West Ham 0 Tottenham 3

Luckily we're in the Lake District for this one, watching the game from Tweedies bar in Grasmere. My younger daughter's boyfriend is with us wearing his Spurs shirt, though to be fair he doesn't gloat and does buy me a pint.

Fullkrug has a knock from international duty, Wilson is deemed ready to start and Potter opts for Bowen up front which deprives the side of its biggest threat on the right. West Ham start off quite confidently after the Forest win, with a nice move between Bowen and Fernandes seeing Paqueta drag a shot wide when he should score. But Spurs win a series of corners and ruthlessly crowd Hermansen. Romero has what looks a good goal disallowed for holding in the box as Spurs start to dominate. Summerville has his moments though and at the break there's still hope.

It all goes wrong soon after the interval when yet another corner comes in. Sarr wanders lonely as a cloud towards the back post and heads home with our defence on the couch. Soucek lunges in studs up and gets a straight red. Almost instantly a Spurs free kick sees Bergvall get between the centre backs to loop home a header. It's three after 63 minutes when more hesitant defending sees Van de Ven shoot into the corner. 

Luckily Spurs ease up after that. Bowen has a shot at the keeper but with ten men it's game over. Back to basics after the Forest optimism with five goals now conceded from corners this season. The Grasmere deluge arrives with the heavens apparently weeping at such lax defending and leaving both West Ham and my party with several mountains to climb. At least the Lakes Pale Ale was good.

A game of two scarves

West Ham have made a bit of history by banning half and half scarves from the game against Spurs. I'm not sure they would cause too much trouble since wearing one marks you out as a tourist who doesn't support either side, though Mo Kudus might like one. Would any real fan ever wear one? Though should we ever play Millwall again it will be interesting to see how sales of those half and half scarves go...

Window shopping: Igor in, Aguerd, Emerson and Cornet out

Well, the transfer window has turned out better than it seemed a week ago. The key thing was getting in two young energetic 21-year-old midfielders in Fernandes and Magassa and that gives the season a much more optimistic hue. Potter also brought in Igor Julio from Brighton on loan, who was very Igor to join us having played against West Ham for Fiorentina in Prague. That move also scuppered Crystal Palace selling Guehi to Liverpool. If he's a big bruising centre half who can win balls in the air then that's what we need against teams like Sunderland. 

Nayef Aguerd has gone to Marseille for a reported £20m which isn't bad business even if it was £10m less than we paid for him. I always thought he was a good player who would eventually adapt to the Premier League, but the three games he played this season showed he was still struggling. Emerson has also gone to Marseille for a very low £900,000. You can only assume the club was desperate to get his wages off the books. The 31-year-old Emerson completed the set of European trophies with West Ham and overall did pretty well in his three seasons. While lingering like an odd sock at the bottom of the drawer we have also loaned forgotten Maxwel Cornet to Genoa. 

Potter and Macauley have certainly been hampered by the club being obliged to buy Todibo for an overpriced £36m and then thanks to last summer's spree and the PSR rules having to sell Kudus for £55m before we could buy. Diouf and Hermansen have come in for £20m each and Walker-Peters and Callum Wilson arrived on frees. A lot of fans deplored the Wilson signing but for a season-long deal I think he's a bargain if we can keep him fit. As he showed at Forest he's a really good player.

The other plus is that Lucas Paqueta really did throw his phone away at Forest. The one area where Potter hasn't acted is in signing a young striker, though Fullkrug, Wilson, Bowen and Marshall offer some depth for this season. Overall a lot of older players have been moved on such as Cresswell, Coufal, Ings, Fabianski, Zouma, Antonio and Emerson, while Alvarez has been loaned out. We've spent around £133 million and recouped around £76 million while probably saving a bit on wages. The main aim was to reduce the average age of the side and that has been achieved. Potter now has seven of his own signings in the squad so let's see what he can do with them.

Three-nil to the Cockney Boys!

Nottingham Forest 0 West Ham United 3 (three)

I'm in a breakout group with daughter Nell at the Racehorse pub in Carshalton for this Sky game, while Matt and Nigel are at the Wellington in Waterloo wondering what could possibly go right. Potter has made big changes. We're playing both the Greek Bloke and Mads Hermansen, who must surely have PTSD after his eight goals conceded in two games. The gaffer has abandoned five at the back and dropped three members of our porous defence in Aguerd, Todibo and Wan-Bisakka, while new signing Mateus Fernandes comes in to midfield. It's certainly a brave selection, but after Chelsea something had to be done.

It's a scrappy game, yet from the outset West Ham look a much more determined side with Fernandes adding some speed and tenacity to midfield. A cross from Ndoye goes across goal and behind Wood, Walker-Peters does well to tackle Hudson-Odoi in the box and that's about it. Even Hermansen is confidently catching crosses. Towards the end of the half the Irons create the best chance so far as Diouf and Fernandes combine to set up Paqueta for a shot that Sels does well to tip over.

Fullkrug, set up by Fernandes, has a low shot saved, but the main question after the break is can West Ham hold on for a gritty goalless draw. Potter makes a change bringing on Wilson for Fullkrug after 64 minutes. The former Newcastle man immediately looks more mobile than the big German taking players on and getting a defected shot away that Sels has to tip over. Next he takes on three defenders and shoots from a tight angle to inspire another save.

JIMMY JIMMY

The crucial change comes when Summerville arrives after 82 minutes. Paqueta nicks the ball to Jimmy who takes on two men, rolls the ball to Bowen who shoots first time and bends it into the corner before doing a knee slide to the West Ham fans. Blimey. Two minutes later Paqueta wins a block tackle, the ball breaks to Summerville in his own half and the revitalised winger races into the box to be brought down by Sangare. 

Lucas Paqueta takes a stuttering penalty and having sent the goalkeeper the wrong way gently rolls the ball into the net. Lucas runs to the away fans, makes a throwing his phone away mime and clutches his Hammers badge. Either he's having problems with his mobile phone provider  or this is a sign he intends to ignore Aston Villa's deadline day call. Paqueta has been superb throughout and is a new player now he's free of FA charges.

On WhatsApp Michael the Whovian and Big Sam both wonder if there is a connectivity problem at Sky as West Ham appear to be winning. What sort of thing is happening here? One minute into added time Summerville finds Diouf whose inviting cross is headed down and in by Callum Wilson. Three-nil! Nigel says we can thank Mystic Matt for this one as five minutes earlier Matt had predicted that Wilson would never score for the Hammers.

Even sub Jesus has failed to lay on any crosses for the stuttering home side. It's almost four when Bowen slaloms though the Forest defence for what would have been the goal of the season only to see Callum Wilson take the ball off his toe and fire at at the keeper. Luckily the pair do eventually share a laugh about this, Callum a little more than Jarrod.

What a performance and let's have a word for the Greek Bloke. Instead of a mistake waiting to happen Dinos Mavropanos has played like the Colossus of Rhodes and alongside Kilman he's made the defence look a lot tighter. Even Mads is looking less like he is fresh from the Battle of Passchendaele. Potter got his selection and subs right this time. Obviously none of us have ever doubted him or the team (much). 

We head off to the CAMRA Greater London pub of the year, the aptly-named The Hope for connoisseur's halves of Black Isle, Mild and Ash and Elm real ale. Football, eh? International fortnight is going to be a lot more comfortable after this. Irons!

Double swoop gives Hammers new hope

You wait all summer for one midfield signing and then two come along at once. Mateus Fernandes has signed from Southampton for £38m plus £4m in add-ons. I'm slightly wary of signing players from relegated clubs (Fernandes, Walker-Peters and Hermansen so far) since their confidence will be low and ultimately they couldn't keep their team up; but Fernandes at 21 was certainly one of the Saints' best players last season and picked up valuable experience, playing 36 times scoring twice and assisting four times. The Portugeeezer looks a busy player who can both create and get a tackle in. He's previously played for Sporting Lisbon and on loan at Estoril and is an Under-21 international.

While the Irons have also now just completed the signing of 21-year-old defensive midfielder Soungoutou Magassa from Monaco for £17.5 million. Can Maga make West Ham great again? If so he'll be the ultimate populist. This could be the most vital signing of the summer since the Hammers have never really replaced Declan Rice and a defensive shield would surely make the three centre backs look a little better. He can also play at centre back himself. Magassa is six foot two so hopefully will be an intimidating presence with more pace than Rodriguez, Soucek or the departed Alvarez.

Signing a couple of promising and 21-year-olds gives the side a lot more energy and hope for the season and there are also rumours of a third midfield signing in Feyenoord’s Quinten Timber, who wood do nicely. Here's hoping all his transfer activity kick-starts our season.

Concentrating on relegation?

Wolves 3 West Ham 2 (Carabao Cup)

It's off to the World's End with Matt and Lisa for this one, an apt pub to choose though the nearby Faltering Fullback would also have been suitable. Potter picks a conservative side with a back five and only rests Kilman, Wan-Bissaka, Fullkrug and hapless Hermansen. He doesn't play any youngsters like Scarles or Potts and Bowen is employed as a lone striker, depriving the side of our best crosser. We're up against what is basically a Wolves reserve side with only pints of Hep Cat to help ease the pain. There's no sound on so we watch the match accompanied by heavy metal songs like Smoke on the Water, which would please our pal Nigel.

The Hammers have the better of a poor first half. After some fine control by Bowen Soucek does well to get a shot away that is saved by the legs of Sam Johnstone while Bowen fires against the keeper in a one-on-one. Encouragingly Paqueta has set up both chances. 

But just before the break Rodriguez is tempted to tackle in the box, Bellegarde goes over after a slight touch and it's a penalty. Hwang Hee-chan's penalty hits the post but Gomes shoots home the rebound with Soucek and Aguerd both slow to react. Paquerta then fails to head on target  after a decent Ward-Prowse cross 

Things appear to be improving after the break as Walker-Peters does well to spin and get in a great cross that Tomas Soucek heads home. "If Fraser was here he'd be saying where are the strikers," suggests Mystic Matt just as Bowen crosses for Paqueta to be in the box and score with a fine diving header. Two-one up after 63 minutes. Surely we can see this one out.

Wolves bring on five substitutes including the in-demand Strand Larsen while Potter seems paralysed with indecision. His only change is to swap Kilman for Todibo."Come on lads, let's lose the ball and invite pressure," says an exasperated Matt as Potter's men get pressed back. Surely bringing on Wilson or Fullkrug would give Wolves something else to think about.

NOT HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLVES

On the pub sound system Mick Jagger is singing, "you'll make a grown man cry..." After 82 minutes it all goes very Pete Tong. A wrong-footed Areola saves a deflected shot with his feet but the ball falls to Strand Larson who reacts quickest to wallop it home.Two minutes later Wolves are ahead. Areola saves with his feet again, deflecting the ball wide to Tchatchoua. Diouf isn't tight enough and Strand Larsen rises like a great Norwegian tree above Rodriguez and Mavropanos to score with his head. 

Potter brings on Fullkrug and Wilson after 86 minutes which is way too late. Paqueta volleys over a decent cross from Diouf during added time and Strand-Larsen almost scores another as Lisa muses that perhaps we sacked Lopetegui prematurely. 

At the final whistle the players go to the West Ham fans and to round it off Jarrod Bowen has to be held back after someone says something. Whatever the side's problems Bowen is not one of them.

So it's 11 goals conceded in three games and out of the Carabao Cup. Barring a miracle in the FA Cup it's another trophyless season and a fight to stay up. It's not just the manager as there's no plan at boardroom level and too much interference in transfers from Sullivan, but the analytical Potter is looking increasingly like the wrong fit at a club that needs emotion. The wing-back system isn't working and we have six days to save the season by signing two midfielders. The possible arrival of Magassa from Monaco might be a start but the club should have signed some athletic midfielders at the start of the summer. We're already getting sucked into a vortex of no-confidence and losing leads. Something needs to change and quickly.

Hammer horror show continues

West Ham 1 Chelsea 5

In the Best Meze Cafe Matt has been served two-thirds of a pint of rosé wine, which is probably just as well allowing for what is to follow. Michael arrives wearing a cryptic t-shirt reading "Underestimate Me" and as the falafel and haloumi mushrooms arrive we commiserate with Big Sam on his misfortune in buying a season ticket. In the stadium we find CQ and Nigel, wearing a Helsinki t-shirt purchased on a train holiday around Finland.

The crowd seem up for it at the start and Cole Palmer has been withdrawn after the warm-up. Surely we can't be as bad as at Sunderland? After six minutes Estevao plays a loose ball, Diouf feeds Paqueta who isn't challenged and races towards the box to send a brilliant swerving shot into the top of the net past a despairing Sanchez. That's more like the old Lucas.

It's the perfect start as the crowd tell Chelsea where to insert their blue flag. Now we have something to defend, only that's the problem. Nine minutes later Chelsea get a corner. Cucurella gets above Paqueta ro flick on at the near post and Joao Pedro rises above Todibo and Fullkrug to head home. Its a simple set-piece goal that we just shouldn't concede. The defence is still not doing the basics.

West Ham's response appears to be good as Todibo plays a one-two with Paqueta to get down the right and cross. Kilman fires into a defender but Fullkrug gets the rebound and slams the ball past Sanchez. Cue sodding VAR and Todibo being adjudged offside by a toe.

West Ham then concede another sloppy goal. Diouf plays a difficult ball to Paqueta on the edge of the box, Lucas falls over and claims a foul but Chelsea play on. West Ham don't, and Joao Pedro crosses for Neto to get behind Wan-Bissaka and volley home. We're not good enough to play it out from the back

Soucek and Ward-Prowse are being by-passed in midfield as Chelsea dominate. Brazilian wonderkid Estevao skates through our defence and past Soucek to cross for Hernandez to score. Again Wan-Bissaka, a talented player having a terrible game, has let his man get in front of him.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time, though we are sensing that having produced only one trophy in 45 years it might be losing its power. Potter takes off Todibo for Freddie Potts and Fullkrug for Wilson.

It doesn't get better. From a Chelsea corner Hermansen flaps hopelessly at the ball and pals the ball to Caicedo who shoots home.Four minutes later another Chelsea corner sees Hermansen bullied out of it, admittedly not protected much by his defenders, and is on the ground as Chalobah scores. We start to remember the days of Roberto and Allen McKnight. It was a mistake to bring Hermansen in so soon after signing and he has to be dropped now for Areola. His confidence is shot and it won't have been helped by the crowd giving ironic cheers late on when he does catch the ball. 

CHELSEA DAGGER

Five-one down after 58 minutes, with three goals conceded from corners. Luckily Chelsea decide to ease up and bring on some subs. West Ham do make a few chances. Kilman and Aguerd head over from corners, Potts has a shot well-saved by Sanchez and Wilson dawdles instead of shooting, opting to pass to Walker-Peters who has a low effort cleared from in front of the line. 

Michael looks mournfully towards fourth official James Mainwaring and declares, "We're doomed, we're all doomed!" Matt agrees that at least the ref had a good game. West Ham leave the pitch to boos from those fans left, though Nigel does at least spot his West Ham pal from the Hawkwind concert.

Ye Olde Black Bull is clean out of whisky and revolvers but does have some cold Brixton Pale Ale to help us as the TV plays Jamie Redknapp and Robert Green on Sky dissecting our frailties. Potter hasn't made any difference in eight months and can't get his team doing basic defending. On Sky Robert Green suggests that he plays three centre-backs because he doesn't trust any of them. Eight goals conceded in two games and Potter is in big trouble. Should we lose to Wolves, Forest and Spurs Potter might, like Nigel and CQ in Helsinki, be expecting the Finnish. 

But it's not just the manager, the club is suffering from years of bad decisions made by the owners. We still don't know why Moyes didn't sign that new contract in January 2024 with West Ham sixth, but those fans who appeared on phone-ins saying Moyes was holding us back are looking pretty silly now.

Just to round it off the Mildmay line train is full of horrible Chelsea fans singing "Three more years, three more years Graham Potter!" to round off the pain. The world is bad enough without this. West Ham urgently need a leader on the pitch, someone who can defend corners, two athletic midfielders and a manager who can inspire much better performances from a still-talented squad. Apart from that everything is fine.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 3; Wan-Bissaka 3, Todibo 3 (Potts 5), Kilman 3, Aguerd 3, Diouf 4; Soucek 3 (Walker-Peters 5), Ward-Prowse 3, Paqueta 6; Bowen 4, Fullkrug 5 (Wilson 5).