Duran brings Hammers down to Planet Earth

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 2

Football returns to a balmy London Stadium. Nigel and myself have opted for shorts, while Matt is in his final game at the Boleyn t-shirt. Lisa and CQ make up our number with Michael the Whovian away polishing his Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart and UNIT anecdotes. Matt and are already mainlining football, having seen the West Ham Under-18s lose to Arsenal in the morning. 

The big miss for all us is Fraser, who has departed for the great pub-rock gig in the sky. As a Moyes sceptic he would have appreciated seeing the first game of a new gaffer.

Meet the New West Ham, same as the old West Ham. The line-up is a bit disappointing, featuring only Kilman and Rodriguez of the new signings. 

It's a poor start as Soucek miscontrols to give away a needless corner after four minutes. From the resulting corner Onana loses Antonio and heads home far too easily. West Ham look sluggish. Is it too soon to say "Lopetegui out!" we wonder. It's almost two for Villa as Rogers wriggles through to force a fine low save from Areola. Plus we've got the sun in our eyes.

A simple ball over the top sees Bailey get behind Emerson, round the onrushing Areola and hit the post, put off a little by a good recovery from Kilman. Then it's McGinn's turn to fire just wide from the edge of the area. Bowen can't get in the game and Antonio is struggling up front, though Kudus does impress with some mazy dribbles. The bloke behind us says his under-ten side can pass it better than this lot. Strange the board haven't appointed him as gaffer.

West Ham receive an unexpected lifeline when Paqueta chips into the box. Soucek goes down like a felled conifer under a challenge from Cash and after a VAR check the penalty is given. Nigel suggests it's a "penalty Czech". It's very soft as Cash has got a toe to the ball. Paqueta does his usual stop-start jump and skip and fires home a calmly-taken spot-kick before giving thanks to the heavens. At the end of the half Emerson goes close with a low shot that Martinez has to turn past the post.

West Ham start the second half with greater intent as the crowd fire them up with "West Ham are Massive!" Coufal gets in a fine cross but Antonio heads over when well-placed. 

When Emery brings on Duran for Villa, whom West Ham have been trying to sign, Matt suggests we know what's going to happen next. Lopetegui acts after 73 minutes bringing on on Fullkrug, Summerville and Ward-Prowse. The fact J-Lo takes off Bowen and Paqueta shows he's not scared of subbing big names.

GOALS ON FILM

But it's the Villa subs who have the greater impact. Duran has already fired into the side-netting. On 79 minutes Maatsen gets away down the left with Coufal not tight enough on him. He plays it first-time to Ramsey who sets up Duran. The Columbian striker, presumably still Hungry Like the Wolf, fires through Areola's legs with a crisp finish. No sign of a crossed Hammers gesture as he celebrates.

Lopetegui brings on Todibo (who looks like a man mountain) and Danny Ings with five minutes to go. 'Jimmy' Summerville is a real danger on the left, taking men on and getting in a fine cross for Ings' header to force a flying save from Martinez.

The Irons very nearly force an undeserved point at the end of added time. Summerville chips across the box to Kudus, whose cross is met by Soucek's header. Konsa manages to block the header but the ball spins to Soucek again, who swivels to fire over under pressure from Konsa.

We trudge off to the Eagle, where Sinead has East London Pale Ale, Corona, John Smith's, non-alcoholic Guinness and Tayto crisps ready for us. At least the jukebox caters for fans of a certain age, though thankfully there's no Duran Duran. Rod Stewart is followed by Nigel's second favourite Dire Straits song Telegraph Road. As Back in the USSR comes on the jukebox CQ tells us that Paul McCartney wrote it as a parody of the Beach Boys, the Californian outfit who famously sang "Birmingham's a s***hole I wanna go home" (or something like that) on Sloop John B. 

Nigel is reluctant to leave while Metallica is playing but has introduced us to some world class trivia, asking which goalkeeper has played for both Bury and Bury St Edmonds? It is in fact Nick Pope. All of this is better than thinking about the game.

It's only one game in but it's never good to lose your first match. This looks like a season too far for the 33-year-old Antonio and Fullkrug needs to start. Lopetegui should also bring in Wan-Bissaka and Todibo if that's his favoured defence, while Summerville looks too good to leave out. We've missed the injured Alvarez too. Let's see what happens when the new signings are better integrated, but a rapid improvement is required. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Coufal 5 (Todibo 5), Kilman 6, Mavropanos 5, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 5 (Ings 6), Soucek 6, Paqueta 6 (Ward-Prowse 5); Kudus 7, Bowen 5 (Summerville 7), Antonio 5 (Fullkrug 5). 

Victory denied by record-breaking VAR check

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 1

It's the third home game in a week at the London Stadium, with a positive crowd after Thursday's 5-0 win. I'm joined by Matt, Lisa, Nigel and Michael's pal Nick, with Michael and Fraser sitting in the stand opposite us. Steve the Cornish Postie makes another cameo appearance having missed the Chopin piano recital in favour of The Play That Goes Wrong during his London sojourn. 

Bailey sets up the in-form Ollie Watkins for a low shot early on that Areola does well to block with his foot and Vila have a hopeful penalty appeal denied after the ball is scooped from close range on to Emerson's hand.

But West Ham set about their task well as Antonio again causes problems. Coufal almost scores, blasting Bowen's cross at Martinez. Villa's love of playing it out from the back is causing them problems and good closing down by Antonio sees West Ham win a throw in. Soucek feeds Coufal out wide and Vlad gets in an excellent cross which Antonio converts with a diving header for his third goal of the season.

West Ham play well against the fourth-placed side and are unlucky when ref Jarred Gillet blows for an infringement just before Kudus puts the ball in the net.

It seems to be two after the break when Martinez misses Bowen's cross and Antonio bundles home. But VAR intervenes as the ball has inadvertently struck Antonio's arm, so it's unlucky but probably the correct decision to disallow it. 

Emery has bought on Cash and Zaniolo, who make a difference as the Brummies start to threaten. Meanwhile the sun emerges as we squint to see the play, while there must be the possibility that the dressed-as-a vampire Unai Emery might turn to dust with too much sunlight. 

Johnson comes on for Antonio, who is still not fit enough to last 90 minutes. The Moyes Out set will see this as a defensive move, though Ben does pretty well in a right-sided role and we know Bowen and Kudus can still threaten as a pair up front. 

Paqueta has a free kick parried by Martinez while Areola has to make a fine stop from Konsa to keep the Hammers in it. But an equaliser has been coming and when Tielemans brushes past Paqueta and gets to the byline to pull back, Zaniolo strokes home the equaliser in the 79th minute.

In the second minute of added time Bowen and Kudus do well to break on the left, Kudus gets in a great pull back and Ward-Prowse's goal-bound shot is denied by a fine block from Cash. 

ALWAYS CRASHING IN THE SAME VAR

In the fifth minute of added time West Ham seem to have won it. Kudus wins a free kick and sub Ward-Prowse delivers a great ball in to the box. Mavropanos gets his head to it and Soucek and Bowen manage to bundle the ball over the line. But VAR again kills the celebrations. 

The VAR check takes a record-breaking five minutes 37 seconds, probably enough time for Michael to read through the folios of his entire body of work and the complete works of Shakespeare. The ref is sent to the monitor and rules it's a handball by Soucek, though even after watching it on TV it still doesn't seem clear. If it takes that long to check then surely it's not a clear and obvious error? That's the fourth handball VAR decision to go against West Ham in the last couple of weeks.

Still, a point against a flying Villa side is not a bad result. We head off to meet Fraser and Michael in the Eagle where St Patrick's Day is in full swing, with Guinness flowing, Sinead and the staff clad in green and When Irish Eyes Are Smiling playing at loud volume. We discuss the sad passing of Steve Harley. Nigel's schoolfriend's dad was once the Cockney Rebel's bank manager in Chelmsford. He suggests the ref today was Mr Soft while VAR certainly failed to make us smile. Though to be positive, on 44 points we could finally be safe. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 8, Mavropanos 7, Zouma 6, Emerson 6 (Cresswell 6); Alvarez 6, Soucek 6, Paqueta 7 (Ward-Prowse 6); Bowen 6, Antonio 8 (Johnson 6), Kudus 7.

Benrahma salvages point against Villa

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 1 

It's a Sunday morning dash from Maidenhead (which Matt says has the longest-standing football ground in the country) where Her Indoors is doing a paddleboard race. Nicola ends up with a medal after doing 8km in one hour 21 minutes, which is more than most West Ham players possess.

At the London Stadium Matt is maintaining that his social media content does not contain any technical breaches of media guidelines and that he is equally critical of all referees. There is some concern that the social media output of Fraser might contain some anti-Moyes bias, though five years after Burnley at least he hasn't suggested a pitch invasion. 

Meanwhile Nigel has controversially admitted in the Best Cafe that he hates Liverpool more than Spurs. Michael, who is a possibly a Whovian, has been to see 1960s Doctor Who legends Peter Purves and Maureen O'Brien at the Riverside, but has not as yet received a Blue Peter badge from Peter Purves. 

Zouma starts and Kehrer replaces Ben Johnson. It's Ings against Mings as West Ham start well, with Bowen having the beating of Moreno. Rice's free kick is prodded wide by Aguerd. The Moroccan defender then finds Bowen with a lovely crossfield ball, Jarrod eludes Moreno and crosses for Benrahma to volley wide.

It all seems to be going well until the 17th minute. In Villa's first attack Kehrer stands off Moreno and the full-back whips in a teasing cross. Watkins gets ahead of Aguerd to head into the ground and over Areola. 

At least the Irons show good character to come back and equalise. Martinez claws away a corner to Paqueta, whose shot is headed off the line. In the melee Paqueta is pushed in the back by Bailey. He goes down easily but the contact was there. It's a silly penalty to give away and Benrahma blasts it home in the manner of Ray Stewart and Julian Dicks.

The Hammers regain momentum and Benrahma plays in a fine cross that Zouma should head on target. Before the break the Hammers are indebted to Areola for making a great reaction save to deny Watkins from close-in.

DESPERATELY SEEKING GOALS

The sides look pretty evenly matched, as the second half begins with something of a personal duel between Benrahma and Martinez. After a quality break Said curls an effort just wide and then sees another long-range effort tipped over by the World Cup-winning keeper. Nigel unleashes his lucky banana in an effort to conjure a goal.

Lucas Paqueta has attempted many clever balls, perhaps too clever, for as Lisa points out he's not playing in a side of Brazilians. He picks up a booking for a late challenge, then gets subbed for Fornals, storming off straight down the tunnel. Not a good sign. 

Bowen makes another great run down the right to cut back for Fornals, who makes a hash of his shot. Despite some media comments, the crowd do attempt to keep the side going. Benrahma has another goalbound effort foiled by a great block from the geriatric Ashley Young.  

The Vicar's Son is very annoyed when Ings is substituted by Cornet in the 86th minute, rather than Scamacca. Moyes later says that although Scamacca's hold-up play is good, “We know that his physical data has got to be much better than it is." If that means Gianluca needs to put himself about more then you wonder why WHU paid £35 million for him. Moyes also suggested that Scamacca is not a player to get behind defences. 

In Moyes' defence Cornet is fast and scored nine goals for Burnley last season. Though when Maxwel does get in a one-on-one, his silver hammer lets him down as he messes it up with an extra stepover before being ruled offside.

Villa have brought on Duran, who proves not to be hungry like the wolf when he shoots straight at Areola. There's a late scare when Rice dawdles in the area and then clashes with Buendia. There doesn't look enough in it to be a penalty and a big melee ensures as Rice takes issue with Buendia rolling on the ground.

There are a few boos at the final whistle, which are not quite deserved. It's a definite improvement on the Brighton game, Villa are not a bad side, Bowen has played really well and with a bit of luck Benrahma could have had a hat-trick, though as it is he has amassed a PL record ten shots in one game. We wonder if Moyes has really lost it, as he has forgotten to sub Beni.

So it's off to the Eagle for Spitfire from the fridge and the news that we are out of the drop zone on goal difference. We need to get some wins from somewhere, but though the result was disappointing, there were some reasons for optimism here. We've got points in our last four home games - and that's surely going to be the key to survival.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Kehrer 5, Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6; Rice 6, Soucek 5, Paqueta 7 (Fornals 5), Benrahma 8; Bowen 8, Ings 5 (Cornet 5).

Yarmolenko inspires win over Villa

West Ham 2 Aston Villa 1

There's some surprise from Matt, Lisa, Nigel and Michael at my appearance in the Best Cafe, but as I point out, in today's world all the old certainties are crumbling. We have to be prepared to fight for our right to eat chips. The big news is that Nigel has seen Tony Cottee on the tube and that Matt, sporting a pink WHU shirt in support of breast cancer charities, has done a triffic, top top phone interview with Harry Redknapp. 

We meet Fraser — who has discovered a new cellar at his gaff, as you do — in the stadium and the first half sees an evenly-matched game with the keepers hardly troubled. Benrahma starts well with a shot on target but then makes lots of unforced errors while Ramsey's dribble causes a few problems, but it looks like a dour 0-0 at the break, with the Villa players constantly going down with supposed injuries. It seems the Jack Grealish sniper has stayed in Birmingham. Then Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time and a game develops.

Fabianski deflects Ings' shot on to the post, then Zouma forces a great save from Martinez and Dawson somehow heads the rebound over. The game changes when Andriy Yarmolernko comes on for the injured Antonio. He receives a moving ovation and with his country being battered literally and not metaphorically, you have to admire his bravery in playing. 

Yarmy immediately looks up for it, holding the ball up and spraying some good passes out wide. None of us have ever doubted hm (much). His moment comes when Benrahma finds him with a difficult ball, He controls it and dinks a lovely effort in the corner with the outside of his boot. A touch of class and a glimpse of the player we might have seen had not an ACL injury stalled his progress at WHU. Andriy is in tears as he points to the skies and it's a moment that transcends a mere football match.

The second goal sees Benahama get another assist after a typically surging run from Rice. Said finds Fornals who strokes home, a goal that will do Pablo's confidence a lot of good. There's still time for sub Diop to be out-muscled by Buendia and Ramsey to stroke home from the edge of the box to ensure a nervous finish.

But it remains Yarmy's day as the Hammers hold out for a 2-1 won. We retreat to the Railway, a pub that is unaware of the craft beer revolution, where Newcastle Brown is the best beer on offer and Michael almost becomes a rebel without a Cors. It also boasts a Seventies soul disco, allowing one of our headbanging number to admit to having an Isley Brothers album. Nigel and Matt discuss footie trivia about Bon Accord and Darwen FC and it's been a good day all round. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Johnson 7, Dawson 6, Zouma 7, Cresswell 7 (Fredericks 6); Rice 8, Soucek 6, Benrahma 7 (Diop n/a), Fornals 7, Lanzini 6; Antonio 6 (Yarmolenko 10).

Photo: Michael the Whovian

Hammers ride luck to move fifth

This might not happen again...

West Ham 2 Aston Villa 1

The Irons might have been unlucky against Arsenal and Liverpool, but certainly made up for it with this game. Though as it's the tenth anniversary of Jonathan Spector's finest game for West Ham, the 4-0 demolition of Man United in the League Cup, perhaps it was all a divine tribute to Specs. 

It's the perfect start for the Hammers when Villa's blockers get in a muddle and Ogbonna rises well to head in Bowen's corner. Matt takes to WhatsApp to reveal that West Ham's last nine goals have been scored by nine different players.

But for the rest of the half Villa take control and when Grealish is given too much space in midfield he blasts home a long-range effort via Ogbonna's boot.

Antonio never looks match fit after his hamstring lay-off and Moyes, who normally subs late, makes the unusual move of taking two players off at the interval. Antonio is swapped for Haller and Benrahma replaces Masuaku as the Hammers revert to a back-four.

The changes work instantly as Bowen finnds Benrahma on the left. He cuts inside to chip a delicate ball into the box which Bowen heads home. Blimey. That's Benrahma's second assist from the bench, which is really saying something.

ANOTHER FINE MISS, OLLIE

The second half goes the way of the first with Villa coming back strongly after an early West Ham goal, though it's always pleasing to see John Terry get booked. Grealish gets Fornals booked with a terribly late dive, but the playmaker is dominating the game, driving Villa forward. 

Trezeguet miskicks after being set up by Watkins but still inspires a smart save from Fabianski. The inevitable equaliser seems to have come after 71 minutes when Rice has a slight tug at Traore's shirt causing the player to theatrically collapse. Watkins hammers the penalty against the bar. The Gods are smiling on us. 

West Ham aren't playing well but what is impressive is the collective resilience. Ogbonna and Balbuena have massive games at the back and even Benrahma is tracking back in his role as left wing-back. It's a sensible decision to bring on the experienced Mark Noble to try and calm it down.

But in added time it looks like Villa have finally equalised when Watkins sweeps home a cross from the left. After a two and a half minute VAR check it's disallowed for an arm being offside. We'll take that bit of luck, but surely what VAR needs to do is give the benefit of the doubt to the attacker when it's such a close decision. The ref has also missed Ogbonna's arms around Watkins as he makes his run.

The whistle goes and its good to see the celebrations of the West Ham players who have worked tremendously hard to get a result. It's hard on Villa though. We've won three in a row but it's worth remembering that if Lookman had scored his penalty, McBurnie hadn't hit the bar and Watkins had converted his penalty we might have only had two or three points instead of nine. Still, winning while playing badly isn't a bad habit and we go up to fifth. What's going to happen when we do play well? Irons! 

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 7, Ogbonna 8, Balbuena 7, Cresswell 6, Masuaku 5 (Benrahma 7); Rice 6, Soucek 5, Fornals 5; Bowen 7 (Noble 6); Antonio 5 (Haller 6).

Yarmolenko saves point as Villa stay up

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 1

It's off to the Railway Tavern at Stratford for this one, where I'm reunited with Nigel, Fraser, Matt and new dad Gavin. Matt is wearing his lucky Dukla Prague away shirt and Nigel has his lucky banana ready for half-time. We take our table in the socially-distanced pub as drinks are brought to us by the staff.  

The game is poor, with Villa coming for a draw and West Ham lacking intensity and missing Cresswell's crosses on the left. Antonio fires wide when through and Grealish scuffs one good chance. Grealish looks to have won it for Villa late on with a late dribble and shot through Fabianski. At this point I could have done without the Hammers fan  behind us hollering abuse at the screen and in my ear. But a minute later sub Yarmolenko takes a speculative long-range shot and it cannons off a defender's boot up intro the net. Bit of a fluke but we'll take it.

So it's a nice unbeaten run at the end of the season and now a chance to rebuild. We retreat to the concrete garden. Fraser celebrates with a cigar and Gav with a fag. Both are touched for a free cigar and cigarette by a punter. Then Nigel has us discussing the best bands from Scotland, Ireland, Germany and Canada before following up with his best Icelandic films. This was almost like a day out at football again. One day we'll be back. Have a good close season everyone. Irons!