Andy Irving: international man of mystery

It's not often you have no idea who one of your own players is. Andy Irving has now come on as a sub for three games in a row, most recently for a five-minute cameo against Fulham. He even got a shot in against Chelsea. Did he fall to Earth like David Bowie? Andy apparently signed for West Ham from Austria Klagenfurt on deadline day at the start of last season, though at the time neither club confirmed the deal. He was then immediately loaned back to Austria Klagenfurt. It was a productive spell with the midfielder scoring nine goals in 28 games for the Austrian outfit including a hat-trick against Red Bull Salzburg. Then he returned to West Ham, scored a belter in the pre-season friendly at Dagenham, and now seems to be a fixture in the squad. In fact Andy's just been called up by Scotland. 

Irving, now 24, started his career at Hearts, where he scored twice in 46 appearances and played for Scotland Under-21s. He also had loan spells at Berwick and Falkirk. The peripatetic Scot then signed for German third division side Türkgücü München. He had a season there before financial problems forced the club to resign from the league, and was then signed by Austria Klagenfurt and the rest is obscure Hammers history. He's certainly come to West Ham via a circuitous route. Though the alternative theory is that he is actually secret agent 007 planted at West Ham to tackle the evil megalomaniacs and dastardly states controlling the Premier League and now bent on world domination.

Soucek secures point at the bus stop in Hounslow

Brentford 1 West Ham 1

It's a trifle disconcerting to switch on the BBC live match text reports at 3.01 and discover that West Ham are a goal down after 38 seconds. Normally we wait four or five minutes to concede an early goal. As Lisa comments on WhatsApp, perhaps we are trying to beat our personal best. 

The trouble begins when Emerson is beaten for pace by Schade and Areola palms away the resulting cross. Another cross comes in, Todibo heads away, Brentford win the second ball and Mbuemo scores with a brilliant volley.

That's nine goals conceded in two games and one minute. To give the players credit they make a determined effort to get back into the game. Kudus, released by Soucek, fires a shot into Flekken and Antonio drags an effort wide. But only a good challenge by Wan-Bissaka prevents Mbuemo making it two with a header before the break.

Lopetegui isn't scared of using subs and this time his changes at the break work. It's brave to take off Kudus for Soler, while Emerson is hooked with Wan-Bissaka moved to left-back and Mavropanos coming on at right back. The idea seems to be to give the Irons more physicality at the back and by all accounts Dinos has a good game in an unfamiliar position. 

The Hammers equalise after 54 minutes. Paqueta does well to win the ball back from Mbuemo on the left, Soucek and Bowen exchange passes and Jarrod does a lovely back heel to Soucek, who flicks on to Antonio whose effort is half-blocked, the ball falling to Soucek to fire home. Tomas does his twirling celebration and though he might be a Moyes stalwart, Loppy is learning that we look a better team with Tomas in the side.

Brentford have a couple of hopeful appeals for penalties turned down in the final ten minutes and Todibo has a decent game at the back. There's even another five-minute cameo from the unknown footballer, Andy Irving. 

In fact it's West Ham who threaten to win it at the end of eight minutes of added time, as Soler's hooked effort is tipped on to the top of the bar by Flekken. Bizarrely and against precedent the ref doesn't allow any time for the corner kick to be taken, causing an eruption from Lopetegui and the players. 

Still, we're relieved to get an away point at the bus stop in Hounslow after that early goal and this was encouraging in terms of spirit. Unbeaten away, defeated every time at home. Hopefully the visit of Ipswich next week can deliver that much-needed home win.

Another mauling at Liverpool

Liverpool 5 West Ham 1 (Carabao Cup)

After the Chelsea defeat a trip to Anfield wasn't exactly welcome. One-one at half-time is a promising scoreline though. Danny Ings had an early goal disallowed too. The Hammers take the lead when Cresswell's corner causes confusion as Alvarez tried to get a shot away and a Liverpool clearance deflected in off Quansah. Four minutes later it's 1-1 as Chiesa shoots into the ground and Jota gets between Fabianski and Kilman to score with a brave header, 

Yet again though, the Hammers concede soon after the break as Jones finds Jota, who slots home with a cool finish. The arrival of sub Antonio makes a difference and West Ham nearly equalise when following good work by Summerville and Antonio, Kilman can't react quickly enough to score, firing against Kelleher.

The game is over when Fabianski saves well from Bradley only for Salah to shoot the rebound in toi the roof of the net. It gets worse aa Alvaraz receives a silly second booking for a rash challenge on Salah and the Irons are down to ten men. Even at 3-1 down, Summerville misses a really good chance after being set up by Antonio. 

Liverpool then bag a couple in added time through Gakpo, the second aided by a fortunate deflection off Todibo.The Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff has been postponed yet again, It's been a miserable week for the Hammers. To cap it all, Lopetegui leaves the game on crutches after injuring himself stamping his foot. He's learning that supporting West Ham is a painful business.

It's been a slightly better performance than Chelsea, but northing is going for the team at the moment. We're still in Ghent, where the local Gent fans wear nooses to reflect the nickname of “noose bearers” given to Ghent residents. This dates back to the Ghent revolt of 1539 when King Charles V of Spain made the ringleaders parade in their underwear with nooses around their necks. West Ham fans do not as yet sport nooses, but after this we might well be tempted.

I don't want to go to Chelsea

West Ham 0 Chelsea 3

Luckily we're on holiday in Belgium for this one, with West Ham collapsing like a set of fragile waffles. There's a real Hammers problem with conceding early goals. Kudus gets an early shot away but when Mavropanos gives away a free kick in the fourth minute, Chelsea's quick response baffles the West Ham defence. Jackson is being man-marked by Alvarez in a strange tactical ploy by Lopetegui. The Chelsea striker has acres of space on the left, Wan-Bissaka is occupied with Sancho and the Chelsea man runs through to shoot through Areola's legs. 

Chelsea almost get a second when Jackson is again afforded infinite space on the left flank and sets up Palmer to fire just wide. The second does arrive when Chelsea ping the ball around in midfield without a West Ham challenge, Mavropanos steps in and Caicedo has time to play an easy through ball to Jackson, who slots home having lost Kilman.

Lopetegui admits he's got his tactics wrong in the 38th minute by substituting Rodriguez with Soucek. There's a brief West Ham revival, with Summerville having a clear penalty turned down after Fofana grabs his arm. Kudus has a goal correctly disallowed for offside and Soucek at least gets a shot away at Sanchez.

But the game is over in the first minute of the second half as the Irons again concede early. Chelsea counter attack with Jackson again free on the left and Kilman up against two men. He finds Palmer who beats Areola at his near post. 

Bowen has a shot blocked but only a brilliant save by Areola from Nkunku's header keeps the score down. West Ham leave the pitch to a round of boos while I console myself with a glass of aptly-named Bolleke beer. 

On WhatsApp Matt suggests it's the worst home performance since the 6-0 defeat by Arsenal. The Irons have lost their first three games at home for the first time in their history. It's early days and Aston Villa, Man City and Chelsea have been quality opponents, but we should at least be giving them a game. This was nowhere near good enough. 

Ings can only get better

Fulham 1 West Ham 1

It's a strange team selection from Lopetegui, with a midfield of Rodriguez, Alvarez and Soucek looking decidedly uncreative. His decision to rest Lucas Paqueta might be because Lucas has played twice for Brazil in the international break, but may also owe something to Paqueta's poor form against Man City and the strain the playmaker is under as he awaits those FA charges. 

With Fullkrug inured while playing for Germany Antonio is again the main striker rather than Jarrod Bowen, while Crysencio Summerville remains on the bench. Dinos is again preferred to Todibo at the back. 

Fulham have the better of the first half. The ref turns down claims for a penalty against Kilman after he appears to push Traore, who is through on goal. The Fulham player goes down easily, but it could well have been given. Traore then heads a decent chance wide of the post.

Fulham take the lead when West Ham's offside trap fails and Smith-Rowe retrieves a ball that looks to be going out of play. Mavropanos does that silly hands behind the back defending and can't prevent the cross, as Jiminez gets ahead of Kilman to flick home.

Lopetegui acts at half time bringing on Jimmy Summerville for Antonio and Paqueta for Soucek, Bowen becoming the main striker. The changes almost work on 60 minutes when Kudus crosses and Bowen controls well to shoot against the legs of Leno. Luckily Fulham can't make it two as Traore heads another chance wide. Loppy has brought on Coufal for Emerson, Soler for Rodriguez and now Danny Ings for Alvarez.

OH DANNY BOY

We're at Rachel and Andy's wedding in Newark (so good they named it twice), loitering by the canopes, as I sneak off to the gents to search for news of the inevitable 1-0 loss and ponder the fact there's only one F in Fulham. But I've reckoned without Dingsie turning into a super sub. 

In the 95th minute Summerville does well to win a throw-in. Coufal takes it quickly and Bowen races to cross before the ball goes over the touchline. Danny Ings takes a good first touch and fires a low effort past Leno at his near post. It's a great moment for Ings, who never seems to complain about being on the bench. Perhaps he's been inspired by the fact his hair transplant seems to have worked. Matt WhatApps to say he's never doubted him.

There's still time for Bassey to head wide for Fulham, but after the 5-0 defeat last season we'll take a draw. There's work to be done but at least the players kept fighting to the end. What Lopetegui needs to do now is get Fullkrug and Summerville in the side and give Todibo a go at the back. Though credit to the gaffer for taking off his three holding midfielders and ending with a very attacking line-up. Irons!

Seven of the Europa Conference League winning side have now departed

It's been a busy transfer window for the Hammers with nine players arriving and ten leaving, either permanently or on loan. What's striking about the modern face of football is how many of the Europa Conference League winning side have now left just a year after that epic triumph. Declan Rice departed for some no-hope trophyless outfit in north London. Said Benrahma has now signed for Lyon after a poor half-season at West Ham and loan to France in 2023-24. Kurt Zouma started the game at centre back but has now been loaned to Saudi Arabian club Al-Orabah, while his defensive partner Nayef Aguerd has gone on loan to Real Sociedad. 

All three subs who came on have also departed. Thilo Kehrer has signed for Monaco, Pablo Fornals has left for Real Betis and Angelo Ogbonna has signed for Watford. So of the 14 players who got on the pitch in Prague, seven have left. That's quite a turnover when you consider how long the 1975 and 1980 FA Cup winning sides stayed together.

Our support is effing rude!

West Ham has the third most foul-mouthed fans in the Premier League according to a new study. Experts at QR Code Generator analysed the 200 most popular posts and subsequent comments for each Premier League team’s subreddit. The study then calculated the number of swear words used per 1,000 Reddit comments to determine the final ranking. 

Nottingham Forest fans came top, followed by Chelsea, whose supporters are f***ing s**t, as we well know. West Ham were third with an average of 78.78 swear words used per 1,000 Reddit posts – 27% higher than the average swear count. The study found that West Ham fans had used 715 counts of offensive language on the team’s subreddit. 

The big question is why are West Ham only third? Anyone who has sat next to my pal the Vicar's Son will know that West Ham fans are definitely the sweariest in the league. 

Manchester so much to answer for

West Ham 1 Manchester City 3

Someone called Noel Gallagher is in attendance at the London Stadium trying not to look back in Ongar. In a week of surprise reunions we're joined by Clacton's prodigal fan Alison, eager to escape her local MP, whoever he is. Nigel and CQ are here, though Michael is possibly being held in a flat full of bad people. We hope to rescue him soon. Black balloons waft in the air, released as part of the restore our concessions campaign.

A tardy Matt and Gavin miss the early West Ham onslaught as Bowen tests Ederson and then Antonio nearly gets a toe to Kudus' dangerous cross, only to be thwarted by Dias' fine clearance. 

Then City, playing in a luminous cycling kit, start to establish their passing rhythm and West Ham's full-backs aren't getting close enough to Doku and Grealish (who has left the sniper at home it seems). The double pivot of Alvarez and Rodriguez doesn't quite work and Soucek is a little unlucky to have been be dropped. Alison remarks that Kilman's defending reminds her of my firm but fair performances for the Shenfield School First X1 in the 1970s, as Nigel comments that's why I'm still worth £40 million, even though these days my pace might have waned a little.

City take the lead when Emerson overhits a pass to Paqueta, who miscontrols allowing Bernardo Silva to play in Haaland. With two touches the Iron Giant makes the finish look easy. Haaland adopts a meditative squat channelling Zen and the art of ponytail-tying.

City take control as De Bruyne forces a fine save from Areola and then hits the post. Haaland even races back 50 yards to dispossess the flying Antonio.

But suddenly the Hammers are back in it. Bowen races down the right to cross hard and low. There's no-one in the box but Dias turns the ball past Ederson. Disbelieving cheers and laughter echo round the stadium.

But you always sense City can move up a gear. Ten minutes later Grealish is allowed to cut in too easily and a neat interchange between Kovacic and Lewis sets up Haaland to turn and wallop a shot into the top of the net. Emerson could have been tighter.

But there's always hope if we can get the ball to Kudus. Just before the interval Alvarez finds him and the pacy wide man shoots just wide from the edge of the area. The key moment occurs just after the break. Paqueta does well to calmly play the ball to Kudus from his own six-yard-box. Kudus explodes into the City half, finds Bowen, takes the return ball and fires against the top of the post. That thrilling break certainly lifts the crowd as they sense an upset. 

SUPERSONIC HAALAND

Lopetegui brings on Fullkrug, Coufal, Soucek and Summerville as the Hammers try to equalise. Paqueta stays on but is having one of those games where very little comes off. But the game is over after 83 minutes. Mavropanos rushes out of defence, fails to win the ball and leaves a big gap behind him. The other defenders don't cover and Haaland expertly keeps just onside and casually lobs over substitute keeper Fabianski. Matt suggests that Todibo has to play next time.

The popping black balloons sound like burst bubbles. There's still time for Soucek to screw an effort wide and Ederson to tip Summerville's shot against the post. At least we've given the best side in the country a game and seen glimpses of hope. Some might say City look certain to win the league again. 

We're in need of alcohol and no cigarettes as we head for the Eagle. The fridge isn't working so it's warm East London Pale Ale and Atlantic as Matt announces that Oasis were a bit overrated and Nigel says he never plays their later albums. We catch an unexpected gig, a couple of Irish blokes on stage singing The Wild Rover, Gentle on my Mind, Whisky in the Jar and Dirty Old Town, all over a backdrop of dodgy WHU defending being analysed on the TV screen. We've not even had to log on to Ticketmaster to attend.

So it's Fulham next week and the Hammers in need of another away win in London. Still, it's no disgrace to lose to City. Bowen and Kudus have played really well and the new signings need time, so let's see where we are after the first ten games. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6 (Fabianski 6); Wan-Bissaka 6, Kilman 6, Mavropanos 5, Emerson 5 (Coufal 5); Rodriguez 6, Alvarez 5 (Soucek 5), Paqueta 5; Bowen 7 (Summerville 6), Antonio 6 (Fullkrug 5), Kudus 8.