Yarmolenko saves point as Villa stay up

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 1

It's off to the Railway Tavern at Stratford for this one, where I'm reunited with Nigel, Fraser, Matt and new dad Gavin. Matt is wearing his lucky Dukla Prague away shirt and Nigel has his lucky banana ready for half-time. We take our table in the socially-distanced pub as drinks are brought to us by the staff.  

The game is poor, with Villa coming for a draw and West Ham lacking intensity and missing Cresswell's crosses on the left. Antonio fires wide when through and Grealish scuffs one good chance. Grealish looks to have won it for Villa late on with a late dribble and shot through Fabianski. At this point I could have done without the Hammers fan  behind us hollering abuse at the screen and in my ear. But a minute later sub Yarmolenko takes a speculative long-range shot and it cannons off a defender's boot up intro the net. Bit of a fluke but we'll take it.

So it's a nice unbeaten run at the end of the season and now a chance to rebuild. We retreat to the concrete garden. Fraser celebrates with a cigar and Gav with a fag. Both are touched for a free cigar and cigarette by a punter. Then Nigel has us discussing the best bands from Scotland, Ireland, Germany and Canada before following up with his best Icelandic films. This was almost like a day out at football again. One day we'll be back. Have a good close season everyone. Irons!

We are mathematically safe!

Man United 1 West Ham 1

It's another 6pm in front of Now TV and an empty Old Trafford in the David Moyes derby. When Martial inspires a good save from Fabianski early on it looks like WHU might be grateful to keep the goal difference down. Greenwood and Rashford have further efforts saved but West Ham defend stoutly and slowly grow into the game. 

A Cresswell cross fizzes across United's goalmouth, Lindelof almost heads Jonson's cross past his own keeper and Ogbonna misses a good headed chance from a corner. Just before the break Antonio is fouled on the edge of the area. The ball is tapped to Rice whose piledriver is rashly handballed by Pogba. An easy pen for the ref. I'm not sure it's very professional of Noble to give the penalty to Antonio, but Michail strokes it home to reach double figures for the season, with eight of them coming after the Restart.

United equalise five minutes into the second half after a series of intricate one-twos between Martial and the very promising Greenwood. But instead of capitulating it's West Ham who take the game to United. Bowen is causing massive problems with his speed and forces a fine save from De Gea with a deflected effort, while Rice shoots just wide and an advanced Noble is spraying passes around like a Canning Town Pirlo. At the back Ben Jonson has handled Rashford really well in just his third game. Another plus is that Kevin Nolan has an iPad, with which he delivers instructions to our subs. Presumably it contains detailed diagrams of how to stand in front of the keeper at corners. Alan Pardew's notebook seems a long time ago now we've gone all high-tech.

There's a minor scare when Ighalo slices wide but we survive four minutes of added time comfortably and leave the pitch a little disappointed not to win, which is progress. It's job done for Moyes and as he says his signings of Bowen and Soucek have made the difference, allied to Antonio's sudden metamorphosis into a clinical finisher. Moyes now deserves some time to change the culture of the club.

No more worries about West Ham losing 5-0 to both United and Villa, while Watford win 5-0 at Arsenal and stay up on goal difference. Finally we are mathematically safe and go above Brighton. Next season's relegation struggle/stab at mid-table security/bid for Europe starts here. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Jonson 7, Diop 7, Ogbonna 8, Cresswell 7 (Masuaku 6); Rice 7, Fornals 7, Noble 8, Soucek 6; Bowen 8 (Yarmolenko n/a), Antonio 7 (Haller 6).

Natural born pessimist

Blooming Arsenal letting us down again. So a couple of 5-0 defeats and a massive win for Watford at Arsenal could see us in the relegation spots. Or am I being overly-pessimistic? If anyone could pull off the unlikeliest relegation in history it would be West Ham. Please let us get a point at Old Trafford tonight so the mathematical doubt is over. Otherwise we are relying on our old friend Hayden Mullins to mess it up against Arsenal and WHU not to get thrashed by cricket scores against United and Villa. That could never happen — or could it?

We are staying up!

West Ham 3 Watford 1

My pal the Vicar's Son will have been pleased to hear David Moyes quoting the Archbishop of Canterbury before the match, suggesting the Irons "promise less and deliver more."  That could equally apply to the board as well as the players, no more promises of Champions League football, the next level and a world class team to fill a world class stadium please.

So it's another nervous night before Now TV with a soothing pint of Proper Job. Having God on our side seems to work. On six minutes Antonio turns quickly on a rebound after some effective pressing and fires through Foster's legs. A massive goal for West Ham. It gets better. In the tenth minute, Ben Johnson, who has looked nervous in possession, finds Bowen and his inswinging cross sees Soucek arrive in the box to score with a bullet header — the best aerial goal we've seen since the days of Andy Carroll.  Moyes' two signings have made a huge difference.

RICE CRACKER
Watford still look threatening on the break with the pace of Sarr and Welbeck, though Ben Johnson positions himself well in his first game for a year, Ogbonna is brilliant throughout and Diop looks more solid than of late. On 36 minutes the unthinkable happens as we go three up. Noble finds Declan Rice after a corner is cleared and Deckers fires home a rocket before Foster can move, and then runs to embrace David Moyes. It's a banger to use the language of the young folk.

There can only be one explanation for the Irons taking a three-goal lead in a must-win game - Nigel has found a new lucky pub, the Grosvenor in Felixstowe. Though Michael the Whovian has also found a lucky club, the Civil Service Club, just off Whitehall, where there's red tape every two metres.

Nigel Pearson looms like he's going to rake his studs down a few legs at the interval and Watford start the second half like a different side. Within four minutes Doucoure has got behind Johnson and beyond Ogbonna to hit the post and Deeney strokes home the rebound. Every West Ham in the country starts to envisage a collapse as in the 3-3 draw with Brighton.

OGGY! OGGY! OGGY!
But the Hammers show a different kind of character as they slowly come to grips with seeing the game out. Ogbonna gets his head on most crosses and Bowen provides an outlet on the right. Fornals does a lot of running too. When Haller comes on he almost scores with a brilliant long-range volley only to see Foster get a hand to it. West Ham don't play well in the second half but show resilience to grind out the result after a great first 45 minutes.

After five minutes of added time it's all over and it's Twist and Shout in the deserted London Stadium.  What a great way to celebrate Mark Noble's 500th game. A surreal evening ends with someone impersonating Matt commenting, "Good reffing tonight". It's been a long long season, but we've got out of a situation this squad should never have been in. We are staying up! Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Jonson 6; Diop 7, Ogbonna 8, Cresswell 6; Soucek 8, Noble 7, Rice 9, Fornals 7 (Haller 6); Antonio 8 (Balbuena n/a), Bowen 8 (Yarmolenko 5).

Psycho killer

Thanks to Antonio's four-goal salvo at Norwich I've just watched the last time a West Ham player scored four in the top flight — when David 'Psycho' Cross scored all four in a 4-0 win at Tottenham in 1981. I was at that game in the Paxton Road end and what a memorable night it was — particularly David's volley past Ray Clemence. Though this was also the time pre-Hillsborough when the away end at Spurs always felty massively overcrowded and a disaster waiting to happen. Comfortable it was not, but there's still nothing like winning 4-0 at the Lane. The clip also includes the post-match interview where Cross says that he gave the match ball to Phil Parkes as Parkesy had been complaining that 'keepers never got a chance to win a match ball. A nice touch from Psycho. 

Four-star Antonio boosts Irons and relegates Norwich

Norwich City 0 West Ham United 4 (four)

Finally we've found someone worse than us! Playing a side about to be relegated was fortunate for the Hammers, but you still have to beat what's in front of you so credit to Moyes' men for attacking from the off. Had to listen to this on Radio London rather than pay £25 for a BT pass, but it was soon evident WHU were in control.

It was the perfect start when Bowen's corner was nodded on by Diop and volleyed in by Antonio after 11 minutes. Bowen shot just wide and Soucek had a great volley from Noble's cross well-saved by Krul and for a time it looked as if the Hammers would fail to get the crucial second. But obligingly right on half-time Noble took a free kick and Antonio got between two defenders to head home. Some terrible defending from Norwich's centre backs — a case of Klose but no cigar. It was soon three in the second half as Noble played through Antonio. His shot was parried by Krul but Michail headed home the rebound.

On 74 minutes Noble found Fredericks and the full-back's cross was flicked home by Antonio for the fourth. An incredible achievement for Antonio, and our first four-goal salvo in the top division since David Cross bagged four at Spurs in 1981. He missed some great chances against Arsenal and Burnley but now has six goals since the Restart.

Moyes made a good call in recalling the experience of Mark Noble. There was much sniping about this on social media, but Noble ended the game with two assists and played a part in the move for the fourth goal. It was so relaxing Moyes even had time to give run-outs to Haller, Wilshere, Yarmolenko, Masuaku and Balbuena.

Thirty-four points is almost enough and our goal difference is now worth an extra point. The advantage of this result is that Aston Villa and Bournemouth will have played two more games by the time we face Watford next Friday and we'll know exactly what we have to do to stay up. A massively welcome away win. Irons!

Yarmolenko is best used as an impact sub

It's perhaps understandable why Moyes gave Andriy Yarmolenko a chance to start against Burnley. He had come on and scored the winner against Chelsea and then enjoyed a good cameo at Newcastle. But playing him from the start unbalanced the side with Bowen moved from his favoured wide-right role. There's also the fear that Yarmolenko only has only one trick, albeit a very good one of cutting inside onto his left foot. 

Jacob Steinberg was pretty scathing in today's Guardian, blaming Yarmolenko in part for the goal and writing, "he is a highlights player who doesn't work hard enough and Burnley knew that the Ukrainian would not track back to protect Ryan Fredericks." That's maybe a little harsh, as Fredericks could have got out to Taylor quicker and Cresswell let Rodriguez get across him for the goal.

But it's true that Yarmolenko remains an enigma. He started off his Hammers career well with two goals at Everton and one deflected effort against Man United before succumbing to a season-ending cruciate ligament injury. This season he again started strongly with goals against Norwich, Man United and Bournemouth before again succumbing to injury. 

After two seasons mainly lost to injury he's not going to find playing 90 minutes easy. But where Yarmy has looked effective since the restart is running against a tired defence as he proved against Chelsea. The lad can finish if nothing else and for the final four games is a good option to have on the bench even if he's not the man for a 90-minute relegation battle.