Just when you though Mike Ashley couldn't alienate the Geordie public any further… Newcastle's sponsored stadium is is to be called the sportsdirect.com @ St James' Park Stadium.
We might have to do likewise though if we're to clear our debts. Could the lads soon be running out at the Ken's Cafe @ Boleyn Stadium?
Wednesday, November 4
Curb your enthusiasm
So Curbs has won his case for constructive dismissal against West Ham, and is likely to receive a £2 million pay-off. Meaning we'll have to sell another player.
The ineptitude of the Gudmundsson era is never ending. We managed to lose £37 million in 2007-08, Tevezgate cost us £30 million, we had to pay off Pards and then appointed a manager with a clause in his contract saying he had the final say in selling players, then sold players over his head and hoped he wouldn't walk out. After which it cost another £2 million to recruit Zola and Clarke.
And all this from a man who offered "progress through stability", a new stadium and Champions League football.
The ineptitude of the Gudmundsson era is never ending. We managed to lose £37 million in 2007-08, Tevezgate cost us £30 million, we had to pay off Pards and then appointed a manager with a clause in his contract saying he had the final say in selling players, then sold players over his head and hoped he wouldn't walk out. After which it cost another £2 million to recruit Zola and Clarke.
And all this from a man who offered "progress through stability", a new stadium and Champions League football.
Tuesday, November 3
Upson out?
Worrying reports in the Sunday papers that we will sell Matthew Upson in January. You can see the logic would appeal to bankers, £10 million for a thirty year old who's on 50k a week, although it ignores the fact we'd be left with no defence. Apparently we'd use some of the money to fund a bid for Bordeaux's Moroccan striker Marouane Chamakh.
But would anyone trust Nani to identify a cut-price replacement for Upson? So far we've had Ilunga, Savio, Kovac, Da Costa, Diamanti and Jiminez, a mixed bag of good and bad foreign signings at best. And is it worth sacrificing our last experienced defender to bolster the forward line? Surely we should have bought out and out strikers earlier rather than several players who like to sit in the hole behind Carlton.
But would anyone trust Nani to identify a cut-price replacement for Upson? So far we've had Ilunga, Savio, Kovac, Da Costa, Diamanti and Jiminez, a mixed bag of good and bad foreign signings at best. And is it worth sacrificing our last experienced defender to bolster the forward line? Surely we should have bought out and out strikers earlier rather than several players who like to sit in the hole behind Carlton.
Monday, November 2
Two-nil and we f•••ed it up...
Sunderland 2 West Ham 2
Oh no, we’re winning 2-1 against ten men. Nothing worse than hope when you're a West Ham fan. Collecting my daughter from her friend Maya’s house I catch the scores on Sky Sports News. Now I have to wait 30 minutes watching helplessly with Maya’s dad, a similarly panic-induced Plymouth fan bemused to be winning at Boro.
Matt’s texted to say he’s on a mini-break in the Vatican seeking a miracle. My suggestion is he says ten hail Di Canios if it gets us an away win. Inevitably Sunderland then equalize and I’m tortured by catholic guilt. There’s a report every few minutes detailing nerve-tingling escapes for the Irons. Thankfully for Matt we hold on for an away pontiff. Although he says he wants to crucify the lot of them and our defence resembles the Walls of Jerico.
After trick or treating with the kids in a Cyberman mask Match of the Day reveals a strange team selection after the Arsenal game, with super subs Diamanti and Hines still on the bench.
We play well in the first half as Collison plays in Franco for the Mexican to score from close range, a reward for the manager’s faith. Even better Collison then wins the ball to play in Cole who sidesteps a defender to slot home like an England centre forward.
But then Jones raises his hand to Ilunga’s face and the defender writhes on the floor like a man who’s just seen Nick Griffin on Halloween night. The sending off is technically correct though, even if Herita’s histrionics are unnecessary. That seems to fire ten-man Sunderland and after Kovac fouls on the edge of the box, Reid fires a fantastic free kick into the top corner to make it 1-2 at half time.
Franco goes close with a header early in the second half, but after that it’s all Sunderland. Green makes two excellent saves and then the Makems hit the bar in quick succession. Finally a cross takes a wicked deflection off Upson and falls perfectly for Richardson to score.
Zola says we “need to be more cynical” and it’s clear we have forgotten how to close up a game. But, as they say, we’d have taken a point at the start.
Is it lack of character or the loss of Neill and the suspended Parker that cost us the win? Ilunga is out of form and Spector tries his best but is not the answer. Perhaps there’s a case for bringing in Gabbidon and putting Tomkins at right-back? Or trying out Da Costa again? Or even giving Bondz N'Gala a chance?
Still, Sunderland are a much improved team and perhaps we’ll be grateful for an away point come May. If we can avoid defeat against Villa and beat Burnley then we just might be looking upwards again.
Oh no, we’re winning 2-1 against ten men. Nothing worse than hope when you're a West Ham fan. Collecting my daughter from her friend Maya’s house I catch the scores on Sky Sports News. Now I have to wait 30 minutes watching helplessly with Maya’s dad, a similarly panic-induced Plymouth fan bemused to be winning at Boro.
Matt’s texted to say he’s on a mini-break in the Vatican seeking a miracle. My suggestion is he says ten hail Di Canios if it gets us an away win. Inevitably Sunderland then equalize and I’m tortured by catholic guilt. There’s a report every few minutes detailing nerve-tingling escapes for the Irons. Thankfully for Matt we hold on for an away pontiff. Although he says he wants to crucify the lot of them and our defence resembles the Walls of Jerico.
After trick or treating with the kids in a Cyberman mask Match of the Day reveals a strange team selection after the Arsenal game, with super subs Diamanti and Hines still on the bench.
We play well in the first half as Collison plays in Franco for the Mexican to score from close range, a reward for the manager’s faith. Even better Collison then wins the ball to play in Cole who sidesteps a defender to slot home like an England centre forward.
But then Jones raises his hand to Ilunga’s face and the defender writhes on the floor like a man who’s just seen Nick Griffin on Halloween night. The sending off is technically correct though, even if Herita’s histrionics are unnecessary. That seems to fire ten-man Sunderland and after Kovac fouls on the edge of the box, Reid fires a fantastic free kick into the top corner to make it 1-2 at half time.
Franco goes close with a header early in the second half, but after that it’s all Sunderland. Green makes two excellent saves and then the Makems hit the bar in quick succession. Finally a cross takes a wicked deflection off Upson and falls perfectly for Richardson to score.
Zola says we “need to be more cynical” and it’s clear we have forgotten how to close up a game. But, as they say, we’d have taken a point at the start.
Is it lack of character or the loss of Neill and the suspended Parker that cost us the win? Ilunga is out of form and Spector tries his best but is not the answer. Perhaps there’s a case for bringing in Gabbidon and putting Tomkins at right-back? Or trying out Da Costa again? Or even giving Bondz N'Gala a chance?
Still, Sunderland are a much improved team and perhaps we’ll be grateful for an away point come May. If we can avoid defeat against Villa and beat Burnley then we just might be looking upwards again.
Wednesday, October 28
Diamanti geezer
West Ham 2 Arsenal 2
In Ken’s Café Jo, clearly enlivened by the earthy Whitstable air, is comparing West Ham to sex, saying it’s all foreplay and no climax. Hmm. Maybe it’s because I said we lacked penetration in the box…
Meanwhile a gentleman of the press is saying that Roy Keane has banned laughter at the Ipswich training ground — something we’ve achieved just through our start to the season. Nigel arrives and says that if we win 3-0 and Bolton lose then we go out of the bottom four, but if we lose 10-0 we have the same goal difference as Hull. Then Carol shouts at him for not saying ‘please’ when he asks for sugar, leaving our Statto suitably chastened.
Spector is in at right-back for Faubert and Franco replaces Diamanti. We almost concede in the first minute, but for the next 15 look up for a derby, Cole is fast and threatening and Collison has a goal disallowed for offside.
“We haven’t done badly so far,” I say, just as Sagna crosses and Robert Green inexplicably palms it on to Van Persie’s boot to make it 1-0 to the Arsenal. “Mystic May strikes again,” says Nigel.
Matt says that Lisa has found a web feed where she can watch the game live, but it’s a bit pixelated
Arsenal win a corner and Gallas outjumps a static Ilunga to head home.
“We’re definitely looking a bit pixelated,” I tell Matt. “Does Lisa see lots of blurred claret and blue shapes chasing white shadows?”
It looks like we’re on for a morale-sapping drubbing at home. Arsenal haven’t even got their passing game together yet and we’ve gifted them two goals. Franco isn’t doing much, Green’s confidence has gone and Ilunga can’t find his form.
Nigel reads out Zola’s programme notes. “He says ‘We just need to focus and avoid the little mistakes’.”
“It’s the big mistakes we have a problem with,” quips Matt.
CQ sends Nigel a text saying “At least it won’t be 10-0”. Humiliatingly the Arsenal fans interrupt their anti-Adebayor chants to sing about how quiet it is as Upton Park.
At half time we discuss if we could beat a beachball. We conclude that we’d outpass it before shooting wildly at it and watching the ball rebound into our own net. We predict the full-time scores and most of the lads suggest three or four-nil to the Arsenal, although out of perverse hope I opt for 3-2 to West Ham as my kids go to school opposite the Emirates and I don’t want to have to explain a 5-0 home defeat.
Fabregas goes close and there’s only one possible winner. Zola brings on Diamanti and Hines for Franco and the jaded-looking Noble after 54 and 56 minutes. It’s a brave move to bring on strikers rather than try to keep the score down, but surely too late.
The shaven-headed and heavily-tattooed Diamanti has opted for the Dicksy geezerish look and thankfully for us, appears angry at being dropped. His first action is a fantastic reverse pass to Ilunga that the full back ruins with a poor cross. Then he shoots from distance. It’s wide but he’s trying to make things happen. Hines and Cole combine for Cole to volley wide. At last we’re having a go at Arsenal.
Hines runs at the Arsenal defence and wins a somewhat lucky free kick. Diamanti chips the ball beautifully over the wall, Mannone saves but palms the ball back towards the goal for Carlton Cole to head home. Yes! 1-2.
Suddenly we have new belief. The crowd is noisy again and there’s Bubbles and “Come on you Irons!” echoing around the stadium. Diamanti is at last looking like a £6 million player in the hole behind Cole and Hines.
Parker runs at the Arsenal defence and is surely brought down in the box but the ref says play on. But then Song hacks at Cole’s ankles and the big man goes down and YES! A penalty to West Ham.
We pray the Diamanti geezer’s not going to chip it again, but this time he blasts the ball home to cause raptures among the claret and blue hordes. You thought you had won you were wrong! Take that Wenger! You’re not singing anymore! WHO ARE YER! WHO ARE YER!
But the ref still tries to lose it for us, Fabregas brings down Parker who handballs as he falls. It’s a second booking and a ridiculous dismissal. Ten men with six minutes left. Come on You Irons… Don’t blow it now. Please. Think of my children, dear God, and Wrighty’s ads and George Graham’s bung and Wenger refusing to shake Pards’ hand.
Deep into added time they cross and sod it Van Persie heads into the net but no, Green produces a stupendous save with his lags, making amends for his earlier blunder. Kovac comes on to waste a few more seconds.
The whistle blows, Jeremy Nicholas plays Twist and Shout and it feels like a victory. We’ve taken a point from one of the big four and it might just be the turning point of our season.
Tuesday, October 20
Not the Messiah?
The News of the World had a back page exclusive about a US consortium apparently trying to buy the Hammers. At first we assumed that North Bank Norman, now a Tae-kwondo magnate in San Francisco, was coming back to save us and install Clicker Bacon, Porky the Poet and Part-Time Percy as executive vice-chairmen.
But no, the consortium was fronted by one Jim Bowe, a Wall Street financier. Rather worryingly, today's Guardian says that Bowe has only been in his current job for a month at Intermarket, a Canary wharf based financial analysis company, and implies that the whole exercise was designed to get a bit of free publicity. And there's still no information who Bowe's mystery investors actually are.
Maybe Jim Bowen might be more likely to score a Bullseye?
But no, the consortium was fronted by one Jim Bowe, a Wall Street financier. Rather worryingly, today's Guardian says that Bowe has only been in his current job for a month at Intermarket, a Canary wharf based financial analysis company, and implies that the whole exercise was designed to get a bit of free publicity. And there's still no information who Bowe's mystery investors actually are.
Maybe Jim Bowen might be more likely to score a Bullseye?
Who let Mad Dog out?
From BBC Sport:
"League Two side Cheltenham Town have placed manager Martin Allen on gardening leave.
Allen, 44, has been asked to stay away from Whaddon Road pending an investigation into an alleged incident at a nightclub."
According to today's Daily Mail it involved Mad Dog trying to jump a 16-person queue at the nightclub and allegedly "racially abusing a bouncer" at Thirteen Degrees nightclub.
The Mail also informs us: "Four months ago he was barred from The Salisbury after allegedly dancing with his shirt off before dropping his trousers and moving towards the dancefloor in front of shocked drinkers at the pub."
Think he might have just ruled himself out of ever getting a job at Upton Park...
"League Two side Cheltenham Town have placed manager Martin Allen on gardening leave.
Allen, 44, has been asked to stay away from Whaddon Road pending an investigation into an alleged incident at a nightclub."
According to today's Daily Mail it involved Mad Dog trying to jump a 16-person queue at the nightclub and allegedly "racially abusing a bouncer" at Thirteen Degrees nightclub.
The Mail also informs us: "Four months ago he was barred from The Salisbury after allegedly dancing with his shirt off before dropping his trousers and moving towards the dancefloor in front of shocked drinkers at the pub."
Think he might have just ruled himself out of ever getting a job at Upton Park...
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