Chants would be a fine thing

My Hammers X1 as told to Russ Budden is now up on YouTube. Russ has been interviewing various West Ham-supporting luminaries on Zoom and asking them for a themed X1. My choice was a West Ham team based on players who have great chants to their name. As a clue, my goalkeeper comes from near Moscow... Click on the link to hear the complete interview...

Chants would be a fine thing

Where have all the chants gone? Sitting in the pub after the Macclesfield game my pal Matt pointed out that with so many new players in the side, we've not had time to think up chants for most of them. Of the side that played Man United probably only Arthur Masuaku (who is better than Lukaku) and Mark Noble have their own chants. Even Arnautovic doesn't appear to have a song, apart from the Stoke-style chants of "Arnie! Arnie!". 

Some of our injured or dropped players have chants and songs, namely Adrian, Lanzini, Andy Carroll and Winston Reid. But the new boys are bereft of songs. In fact our last really good song was something about a certain French midfielder. 

Someone on the Facebook group Upton Parklife suggested that Yarmolenko might scan to I'm Gonna Be by the Proclaimers ("Yarmolenko! Yarmolenko! Der der, der, der, der, der, der, der!" etc) which is promising. On current form Declan Rice deserves a chant ("he's not Irish anymore!"?) as do Issa Diop, Fabian Balbuena, Lukasz Fabianski, Arnie and Felipe Anderson. Any suggestions?

His name is Rio and he watches from the stand…

Finally West Ham have won something. Hammers fans' produced the funniest chant of the decade with, “His name is Rio and he watches from the stand…”, sung to the tune of Duran Duran’s Rio, during Rio Ferdinand's suspension for missing a drugs test. The Irons' chant came top in a new poll by fantasy football game Oulala, with "When the ball hits row Z or the back of your head, that's Zamora!" at number two, even if it is wrongly credited to Fulham fans. It was in fact first heard at West Ham in the Championship season of 2004-05, but later taken up by Fulham fans after Bobby moved to Craven Cottage. 

Supporting a perpetually in crisis football team means us Hammers fans have to make our own entertainment. The chant of  “Harry Potter he’s coming for you!” aimed at Swansea’s Voldemort-lookalike Jonjo Shelvey, then at Liverpool, caused Jonjo himself to break into a grin at Anfield (check out the half a million views on YouTube). That 6-0 defeat at Manchester City this season produced, “You’re nothing special we lose every week!”

Spandau Ballet’s Gold was revamped as a tribute to Joe and Carlton Cole: “Cole,
always believe in your soul,
you’ve got the power to know,
you’re indestructible,
always believe in,
Carlton Cole!”

A 4-0 defeat at Charlton resulted in the wonderful and politically incorrect tribute to Christian Dailly, sung to the tune of I Love You Baby by Frankie Valli: “Oh Christian Dailly,
you are the love of my life/ 
Oh Christian Dailly I’d let you shag my wife/
Oh Christian Dailly,
I want curly hair too!”

Another heavy 4-2 defeat at Charlton resulted in a chant of “We want a new back four!” while Scouser stereotypes produced a mischievous “We’ve got Di Canio, you’ve got our stereos!” at Liverpool.  

Although it’s not all East End and Essex banter. Another favourite at home games is “Your support is f***ing shit!” Which is at least succinct…