Review: Boleyn Boy by Mark Noble

Boleyn Boy does what it says on the tin. Ghosted by the Guardian's Jacob Steinberg, rather like its subject it puts in a no-nonsense shift.

Mark got up to a few tricks as a kid, paying £5 to a his mate on a burger stall at the ground and receiving £20 in change. He was also briefly tempted by hooliganism but after seeing a ruck with Millwall fans decided it was all a bit too scary. 

From a young age he knows he's a bit special at football and with a lot of support from his dad, turns down approaches from Arsenal and Millwall and opts for the Irons. Another rock in his life is his girlfriend and now wife Carly.

Nobes has some interesting thoughts on his managers, not least the revelation that the players tried to talk Gianfranco Zola into making a comeback as a player, he was that good. He respected Sam Allardyce and seems to agree with Big Sam that the West Ham Way is more about showing you care than pretty football. He also feels that Sam lost focus in the final half season when it was clear his contract wasn't going to be renewed. 

Nobes feels Payet should have spoken to his skipper first about his homesickness, but that Dimi still, "made my life as West Ham captain so beautiful for 18 months". There's also a section of the players' japes, and you probably don't want to know what Robert Snodgrass did with Nobes' slippers.

Noble's take on removing that pitch invader against Burnley is interesting. "It was my way of saying 'Look, I'm a fucking West Ham fan. I've supported the team since I was born. But you don't run on the field of play.' I was as frustrated as anyone. I trained hard every day and hurt when we lost. Yet its not fair to affect the game and disturb the players." That evening he went home and when Carly brought him a cup of tea he burst into tears at the state of the club. He has a lot of respect for David Moyes and his decision to take the players on a break after that Burnley debacle.

You get a sense of how difficult it has been at times being both a West Han fan and a player, but Noble has certainly earned our affection. Having him back at the club can only be a good thing.

Mr West Ham at the Newham Bookshop

A great turnout at the Newham Bookshop yesterday for Mark Noble signing copies of Boleyn Boy. The queues stretched round the block and the shop sold all 400 copies – demand was so great Mark even had to fetch 20 copies from his car boot. The queue started at 9am and one fan had travelled up from Dorset. 

Nobes was obviously very impressed to meet local legend Vivian and as ever proved a diamond geezer. He had a word for everyone during his two-hour session and was great with kids and starstruck fans alike. We also learned that Said Benrahma is fantastic in training, the most stressful thing about retirement is watching West Ham and that Mark likes a Bounty when his two sons were dispatched to the car to get some chocolate. Top man and as many fans said, we could do with him on the pitch now. 

Mark Noble at the Newham Bookshop

Here's a date for your diaries. Mark Noble will be signing his new autobiography Boleyn Boy at the Newham Bookshop in Barking Road on Sunday November 13 at 2pm. It would have been Mark's local bookshop in his days of growing up in Canning Town and this will be one of the first events to publicise his book. 

Boleyn Boy, published by HarperCollins, describes Mark's journey from boot boy to club captain, bossing the midfield, taking pressure penalties and playing for a host of different managers including Alan Pardew, Alan Curbishley, Gianfranco Zola, Avram Grant, Sam Allardyce, Slaven Bilic, Manuel Pellegrini and David Moyes. Should be a cracking event.

Welcome home Nobes

Good to hear that Mark Noble has returned to the Irons in the role of sporting director. He's sensibly taken a course at Harvard to learn more about the administrative side of the game and just his presence around the club will be a boost. He'll certainly be a good influence for the younger players and can also help first team stars adapt to the club culture — for example last year Jesse Lingard revealed that he was told not to use his mobile by Nobes when the players shared a lift as Mark wanted the squad to talk to each other. He'll also be a sympathetic ear for any players having problems and is closer to their age group. It's good to have Nobes back and this should be a beneficial move for WHU all round.

It's good to talk

Some interesting quotes from Jesse Lingard last week. Jesse revealed that when he was getting a lift with Mark Noble and Aaron Cresswell he took his phone out in the car but was immediately told by Nobes to put it away as at West Ham the players talk to each other. 

Lingard told the Players Tribune: “On the plane, I would normally whack the headphones on and listen to music, but Nobes and the rest of the guys wouldn’t stand for it.It was like that everywhere at West Ham, proper conversations about everything. No phones, no social media. No more mm-hmm. If we were having dinner at a hotel, we’d stay down there for ages just talking. It helped us bond as a team, and personally, it helped me a lot.” 

Could this be the secret of West Ham's recent success? It's simply that the players have become good mates.

He's West Ham through and through

"He's only 17, he's better than Roy Keane!" I can still remember the chants from the Bobby Moore Stand when Mark Noble first came into the West Ham side during a 2-2 draw with Leicester in 2005 (He'd made his debut in a League Cup tie at home to Southend). It's a good decision from Noble to finish at the end of next season and say goodbye to the fans when they are hopefully back in the stadiums. Although he's unlikely to displace Rice or Soucek, Mark will still be an influence as a sub and around the squad. 

Lots of memories of his career, though games that stand out include a fine volleyed goal against Bolton during the Great Escape of 2007, a real captain's performance in a 2-0 win at Cardiff under Big Sam, a long-range goal at Leicester that secured survival under Moyes the first time and, of course, Mark acting as a substitute steward during the pitch invasions against Burnley. Even last season he was playing a vital role in the 4-0 win at Norwich. 

Noble's managed to win a place under Alan Pardew, Alan Curbishley, Gianfranco Zola, Avram Grant, Sam Allardyce, Slaven Bilic, Manuel Pellegrini and David Moyes, which reveals a lot about the man. A great West Ham servant and perhaps we might even win a trophy for him next season.

Noble should now be a squad player

Mark Noble is a West Ham legend, but I just hope David Moyes doesn't make the mistake Big Sam did with Kevin Nolan, and keep playing Nobes when he's past his best. Mark will be 34 in January and should be used as an experienced sub who can be brought on towards the end of games to protect a result. He has more skill than most people realise and did well in an advanced role at Norwich in the 4-0 win last season, but playing him as essentially a number ten against Chelsea and Brighton just hasn't worked. 

If Noble is going to get games it should be as a central midfielder when Rice and Soucek need a rest. But the fact is Rice and Soucek have made the central midfield positions their own this season and have been a major factor in West Ham's decent start. If Fornals needed to be rested it would have made much more sense to start Lanzini or Benrahma in the advanced midfield role against Brighton. Moyes needs to stay positive and resist a return to negative tactics. He acknowledged he got his selection wrong against Brighton by taking Noble off at half-time. Mark will always be loved by West Ham fans but we now have to select the best players in their natural positions. 

Moyes and Brady do the right thing

This is going to be a difficult time for all football clubs with no match revenue, no live TV payments and players on massive wages. Perhaps more so for the Hammers, who have spent a lot on players in the last two seasons. So it's good to see that David Moyes has agreed to take a voluntary pay cut of 30 per cut during lockdown and Karren Brady has tweeted that she is doing likewise. Another encouraging sign is that Mark Noble is one of the players administering the fund through which players plan to make voluntary donations to the NHS. 

Meanwhile the Guardian reports that the club is having a £30m rights issue to cover revenue shortcomings, which is "an invitation to existing shareholders to buy additional shares". Shares could then be offered elsewhere, which might perhaps be an opportunity for a potential new owner to get a stake in the club. It would be interesting to hear what financial/football journalists like David Conn have to say about this. The other positive news is that none of our players have as yet been caught in a "lockdown sex party" like Kyle Walker or illicitly training in the park like Jose Mourinho at Spurs.

While in the latest development the whole squad has agreed to take a reduction in wages and David Sullivan and David Gold have agreed to waive the interest on their loans. After all the ructions of the season so far it's good to see the club pulling together.

Home alone Hammers

After Karren Brady's lapse, some good dignified statements in the last week from Mark Noble, David Moyes and England's Gareth Southgate on the need for togetherness amid the Covid-19 crisis. With the Premier League lockdown we're also seeing some glimpses into the lads' homes via social media. We've learned that Mark Noble is doing boxing with his Missus; Felipe Anderson has an apartment the size of a small runway and is good at dribbling past his Alsation; Lucasz Fabianski is doing sit-ups with his young son; Tomas Soucek's wife plays a good game of keepy-uppy and Michail Antonio is training hard at FIFA. In fact all our players look brilliant at home. Should football ever return, perhaps we should just put some sofas around the London Stadium pitch to persuade the lads that they are really in their front rooms.

Noble return for Gavin and Stacey

Good to see the Christmas Day special of Gavin and Stacey featuring Baby Neil in a Mark Noble Number 16 shirt, given to him as a present by James Corden's Smithy. Will Smithy marry Nessa and take her to the London Stadium? Surely he will, though Nessa might find that not much is occurring in the opposition goalmouth. And could we have Uncle Bryn in charge of stadium catering please? Tidy.

In pod we trust

Received an emergency summons last night to appear on the podcast Stop! Hammer Time with Phil Whelans and Jim Grant. A tough job, but someone has to talk about West Ham after a pint in the Queen's Head. You can listen on the link to three blokes discussing whether they can run faster than Pablo Zabaleta and how Jonjo Shelvey is Voldemort. 

Interestingly James Collins was on the podcast a few weeks ago and said that he and Mark Noble used to have pretend fights on the team coach in order to gee up the other players. As Phil Whelans pointed out, we have a lot of mild-mannered number tens who look like they need some firing up. Maybe we should employ the Ginger Pele as a motivational coach?

A Noble move forward

Tweaking Mark Noble's position might just prove to be a masterstroke from Pellegrini. Nobes has been one of our best players this season and he's proving just what a good footballer he is (note the quick ball in to Anderson for Yarmolenko's goal against United for an example of his football intelligence) now he's closer to the front four. 

It's good management from Manuel, as it puts less pressure on Noble to run back. He's looking more like the forward-thinking midfielder who came into side against Crewe when he was just 16 (and was better than Roy Keane). Of course, it puts a lot more pressure on Declan Rice as the only holding midfielder, but while West Ham are attacking with such fluency it seems to be working.

Welcome point after Palace storming

Crystal Palace 1 West Ham 1

Listened to the second half of this on Radio London and it sounded like the Irons were getting battered as they tried to hang on for a plucky away win. Seems like we had the better of the first half though, and Mark Noble coolly dispatched his penalty after keeper Guita brought down Antonio. Snodgraas and Fredericks also got to work the keeper with Anderson excelling on the break.

In the second half Palace had a relentless stream of corners and McArthur missed a great chance when he fired wide of a gaping goal. When Zaha did equalise after 75 minutes it had an element of luck as his shot deflected off Issa Diop. Zaha would, of course, have been suspended if Palace hadn't appealed against his two-game ban for sarcastically applauding the ref.

The commentators were scathing about the body language of sub Marko Arnautovic, though to be fair he always looks lethargic before often doing something special. Obiang and Zabalata came on to shore things up and despite the nervy finale — including an excellent save by Fabianski from Zaha — in the end it was a decent away point against a solid Crystal Palace side. Irons!

Mark Noble on the dog and bone

"ULLO!" Just had a call from Mark Noble. Not quite sure about Nobes' telephone sales manner. Think of the "Ullo!" that kicks off Ian Hunter's Once Bitten Twice Shy. At first I thought it might be Doug or Dinsdale Piranha enquiring about repayment of that payday loan. But no, it's a recorded message from Nobes telling me that the London Stadium now has an increased capacity and that half-season tickets are available. Just hope he's getting paid the living wage for his new role in telesales.

Chants would be a fine thing

Where have all the chants gone? Sitting in the pub after the Macclesfield game my pal Matt pointed out that with so many new players in the side, we've not had time to think up chants for most of them. Of the side that played Man United probably only Arthur Masuaku (who is better than Lukaku) and Mark Noble have their own chants. Even Arnautovic doesn't appear to have a song, apart from the Stoke-style chants of "Arnie! Arnie!". 

Some of our injured or dropped players have chants and songs, namely Adrian, Lanzini, Andy Carroll and Winston Reid. But the new boys are bereft of songs. In fact our last really good song was something about a certain French midfielder. 

Someone on the Facebook group Upton Parklife suggested that Yarmolenko might scan to I'm Gonna Be by the Proclaimers ("Yarmolenko! Yarmolenko! Der der, der, der, der, der, der, der!" etc) which is promising. On current form Declan Rice deserves a chant ("he's not Irish anymore!"?) as do Issa Diop, Fabian Balbuena, Lukasz Fabianski, Arnie and Felipe Anderson. Any suggestions?

Give the lads a break

Just as long as no-one steals a taxi the warm weather break for the West Ham players in Miami should do the players good. At least their Wags seem to be with them, which might encourage sensible-ish behaviour. Predictably some people on twitter are outraged, but then they always are. Moyes is right. It's a good idea to get away from all the furore and having to act as amateur stewards. We've already had some nice shots of the lads on the beach, including tattooed Jordan Hugill looking like he's on a break from the building site, Joe Hart not dropping his flip-flops, Nobes in shades and someone in red shorts who appears to be Andy Carroll. Seeing Andy again raised the distant hope that he might even be fit for the last few games and save our season. But no, that way madness lies…

Come on you Iron Men

Here’s something to cheer us up and a fine Christmas present for the Hammer in your life. Finally sat down and watched my Iron Men dvd. It concentrates mainly on the game against Man United in the Cup, the final Saturday game against Swansea and the epic finale against Man United. It all seems an aeon ago, as West Ham have a French midfielder who looks quite classy, finish seventh and play in a tightly-contained ground. 

The footage of the fans concentrates mainly on characters like blind supporter Matt Datson, Gary Firmager of OLAS, Nathan’s pie and mash, the two-for-£1 sweet man, the Rib Man and 100-year-old super-fan Mabel. Although there’s perhaps a little too much of Ray Winstone being a diamond geezer as it doesn’t really need a celebrity angle. It has some great footage of Mark Noble showing us the park he used to play in at Hermit Road on the site of West Ham’s old ground. Plus Nobes coming in to training and shaking everyone’s hands and Slaven Bilic proving that he gets the West Ham Way.

The coverage of the final game at the Boleyn is terrific, with it hard not to supress a tear as Winston Reid’s header goes over the line in slow motion. The scenes of Bilic in tears and fans lingering at the end are unforgettable. Director Paul Crompton’s shots of the crowd are beautifully filmed and the evocative music really adds to the atmosphere of sadness. It’s now a piece of nostalgia, but Iron Men is well worth a tenner of anyone’s money.