Carlos whisper

Today's Sun claims that West Ham have approached Manchester City about bringing back Carlos Tevez on loan. Sounds like paper talk to me. Can't see Tevez's ego would tolerate playing in the Championship and I don't think it's East London that he claims to be homesick for.

What he did at Bayern Munich was despicable, but you have to say that on the pitch he's never less than committed. And presumably if it did happen we wouldn't put him on the bench this time, as Pards and Curbs did.

Wonder if Swindon might be in the market for a loan deal too. I'd pay a lot of money to watch Tevez managed by Di Canio and the explosions that might ensue should he refuse to warm-up.

Irons in the soul

Quote from Carlos Tevez in today's Daily Mail:

"It is unthinkable that I will score a goal that will send West Ham to relegation. Their supporters feel football; they are passionate, these people invested great support in me. I wish to play again for West Ham before I finish my career. I have some unfinished business there. To score such a goal against them would change my history with them

"When the game comes, I hope City have already secured fourth place and West Ham are safe. That is the best I hope for."

Yes Carlos, we want you back too — and preferably before you're 39...

Tevezgate: the endgame

So we've finally reached a settlement with Sheffield United over the Jarndyce and Jarndyce (sorry, Tevez and Tevez) case... Looks like we'll pay £15 million over five years, which is frankly better than the early figures of £45 million.

It still seems utterly farcical that the case should rest on what "oral cuddles" were given and whether one player can single-handedly win games. And the Premier League must surely take much of the blame for allowing third-party owned players to play here in the first place and then having no clear policy on the issue... we're paying the price for their lack of leadership. The law is not so much an ass as a Tony-Adams-sized Donkey.

Meanwhile Gudmundsson has been given a further three months to try to sell the club by the Icelandic bankrupcy courts. Once owners were custodians of clubs. What this case illustrates is the idiocy of rich men from overseas trying to buy our footballing heritage and offering used third-party owned players as sweeteners... and then the club being sold to a different foreign owner who promises untold wealth and Champions League football only to become brassic from owning a toxic bank.

The safeguards are much more effective in Germany and Spain. Anyone concerned about our game should read David Conn's excellent The Beautiful Game?

Nice to see that Sheffield United's chairman Kevin McCabe said: "We are happy and satisfied with the settlement with West Ham.

"Throughout the finalisation of the terms for the agreement, the discussions were friendly, co-operative and in the best of spirit with both the Blades and Hammers advisory teams."

Yes, quite. Although having once paid in £300 from the penny collection at my daughters' school (we had to take it to the bank in plastic dustbins) you do wonder if we could pay the entire £15 million in one and two pence pieces...

Another fine mess

Very West Ham. Two seasons on, an obscure independent tribunal has decided to rule in favour of Sheffield United over the Carlos Tevez affair and it might cost us a mere £30 million in compensation.

You do wonder why we didn’t go to court over this as we have a strong case. The Premiership punished us with a £5 million fine, so surely any fault is theirs? You also wonder why Terry Brown and Paul Aldridge have not been called to give public evidence and why Tevez’ then-owner, Kia Joorabchian, is still apparently advising West Ham over transfers and indeed criticizing Curbs’ transfer record after the man has resigned.

And how can a tribunal rule that Tevez was worth an extra three points? Martin Samuel has written an excellent piece in today's Times on the absurdity of lawyers (the panel was former MCC president Lord Griffiths, Sir Anthony Colman, a former High Court judge, and Robert Englehart QC) predicting the results of football matches. It was 20 odd games before Tevez scored for West Ham! Sheffield’s argument seems to be based on the fact that Marlon Harewood would not have been as good as Tevez... which a good brief could surely demolish as Marlon scored 16 goals the previous season compared to Tevez’ seven.

And anyway, it could be argued that it was the inspired performances of Hayden Mullins that really kept us up. And what about Christian Dailly who was so good that several thousand Hammers fans were offering him sexual relations with their spouses? ("Oh Cristian Dailly, you are the love of my life, oh Christian Dailly you can shag my wife!") Tevez never received that kind of offer.

Another point is that none of the people involved are now at the club — bar chief executive Scott Duxbury whom the Daily Mail claims gave "oral assurances" to Joorabchian's representatives that the third party agreement was still in place, despite the club saying it had been ripped up. This claim is denied by the club. Yet it’s the fans that will, as always, be penalized. And then to have to suffer Neil Warnock being sanctimonious…

Nurse, the screens.