Saints earn deserved point against lacklustre Hammers

West Ham 1 Southampton 1

Up against a relegated team that has ten points and has just sacked their manager - what could possibly go wrong? 

I'm joined in the sun by Nigel and CQ, fresh from seeing Sweet and T Rextasy and a jaunt on the Isle of Man, Michael who has been celebrating St George's Day with thespians, Matt and Lisa who have come straight from the West Ham Women's 0-0 draw with Man United and Big Sam, who has travelled all the way from Wales for this relegation three-pointer.

Wan-Bisaaka and Alvarez have both managed to get injured in training. Fullkrug starts and early on the big German forces a good save from Ramsdale when Paqueta gets in a decent low cross. But for the rest of the half Southampton play with the freedom of a side where the pressure is off and they should be ahead. Referee Kitchen, in his first Premier League game, lets a lot go and Coufal is lucky to escape censure after a foul on the edge of the area. Walker-Peters shoots wide when well placed after Soler gets out-muscled in midfield. Southampton go close when the ball bounces off Paqueta to Sulemana who prods it against the woodwork. 

West Ham again appear ponderous and the closest effort is when Ward-Prowse shoots over the bar from the edge of the box. Full credit to the Southampton fans though, who are noisy throughout and waving inflatable bananas in solidarity with Nigel as they look forward to visiting Portsmouth.

At half-time Nigel debates whether to eat his two lucky bananas as we're joined by Alison from the Clacton Irons, who has supported the Hammers through thin and thinner and is so impressed by today's fare that she's considering getting a season ticket again.

We wonder if Potter is capable of giving the side a rollicking. His half-time words seem to have had some effect as two minutes in the Hammers score. Finally the Irons break at speed, as Paqueta finds Kudus who passes inside to Fullkrug. He plays a first-time ball through to Bowen on the right who cuts inside Manning and scores a typical Bowen goal. Surely Southampton's heads will drop now.

West Ham have a better spell. When Ward-Prowse takes a corner Michael can feel it in his water that Fullkrug will score. He does but it's disallowed for an arm on Ramsdale. West Ham's best moments come from Fullkrug and it's the big man who finds sub Guilherme with a subtle through-ball, only for Luis to be thwarted by a decent save from Ramsdale.

West Ham fail to kill the game and the Saints gain impetus. Areola makes a smart reflex save to deny Stephens. Bringing on the Greek Bloke to shore up the defence and Soucek for Fullkrug invites further Saints pressure. Their best chance seems to have gone when Tyler Dibling fails to hit the target. 

Can the Hammers get a scrappy 1-0 win? No, in the 93rd minute Walker-Peters' cross deflects up into the air and Chelsea loanee Ugochukwu scores with a fine volley. The Saints fans erupt as if they've just won the league rather than reached 11 points. 

West Ham leave the field to a chorus of boos and points wise Potter hasn't done any better than Lopetegui. In the last six winless games late goals have cost the Irons seven points against Everton, Bournemouth, Liverpool and Southampton. 

We retreat to the Eagle where there are new air-dryers in the loos and Matt is taking the negatives, saying that Potter can't pick the right side, make substitutions or see out games. There's even talk we should have kept Moyes (apologies to Fraser). 

There's nothing for it but to discuss our first-ever gigs, with CQ confessing to the Bay City Rollers, myself admitting to Gary Glitter, Matt revealing a hippy past with Steve Hillage and Michael giving us Chas and Dave, which explains his love of cockney knees ups around the Eagle's Joanna. Meanwhile Aston Villa versus Newcastle is on the TV and Nigel mournfully notes how far we have fallen behind both teams.

We learn that Niclas Fullkrug has told the media that he is "very angry" and that we played "shit", meaning he wouldn't be out of place in the Bobby Moore Stand. From Borussia Dortmund to this must be a bit of a comedown. 

Potter has to be given time to get his own players in but in his 100 days as boss he hasn't improved this lot much. The final five games should all be winnable with Spurs and Man United distracted by Europe. Yet the season is in danger of ending with a whimper and the Hammers one place above the bottom three.

PLAYER RATINGS:Areola 6; Coufal 5, Kilman 6, Todibo 6, Emerson 6 (Scarles 5); Ward-Prowse 4 (Mavropanos n/a), Soler 4, Paqueta 5; Bowen 7 (Ferguson n/a), Fullkrug 7 (Soucek 4), Kudus 5 (Guilherme 6).

Aguerd seals vital win in six-pointer

West Ham 1 Southampton 0 

Could it be a lucky omen that actor Donald Sumpter is spotted getting off the Overground at Hackney Wick? If the Lord High President of the Council of Time Lords is on our side then we might just win this six-pointer. 

Inside the stadium the big news is that at security Matt has been alerted to a bee inside his yellow hoodie, perhaps thinking that he is a giant daffodil. Could it be an agent from Brentford? After Lisa successfully places the bee on some vegetation she suggests that it might have flown off to play for the Bee Team. 

It's already been an epic week for Matt, Lisa and Michael who have been to see The Fizz (once Bucks Fizz) at the O2, the former Eurovision winners being rather like West Ham in letting their indecision take them from behind before making their minds up. We're joined by Nigel (whose season ticket is still playing up) and Fraser plus Steve the Cornish Postie, who is hoping to improve West Ham's delivery, as the Irons make the obligatory slow start. 

The players seem nervous as the crowd starts to get on Benrahma's back for playing the ball backwards. Walcott has a volley wide for the Saints but apart from some fine Rice interceptions it's pretty tame stuff until Bowen wins a free kick in the 24th minute. Kehrer swings over a decent free kick and the unmarked Aguerd powers home a header. The ref disallows it for offside before VAR intervenes. You could read most of War and Peace in the time it takes to come to a decision, but after three and a half minutes the goal is given. Nayef celebrates his first Hammers goal all over again.

There's a scare as Saints come straight back and Lavia's goalbound shot is superbly tipped round the post by the returning Fabianski. A great reaction save from the Pole. West Ham almost make it two before the break as Bowen does really well to cut inside two defenders, look up and whack a shot against the crossbar.

At half-time Nigel is instructed not to eat his 'lucky' banana as we're already winning. The second half sees Southampton have lots of possession without looking too threatening. The Hammers have their moments on the break. Ings is almost released, but doesn't have the pace to get beyond the defence, though does find Bowen who fires wide. When Emerson is fouled on the edge of the area Benrahma's free kick is tipped round the post by Bazunu.

It's a poor match, but Paqueta is having a good game in midfield doing un-Paqueta-like things, getting stuck in and winning more tackles than any other player on the pitch. Also encouraging is the fact that the centre back partnership of Aguerd and Zouma looks well-balanced and holds firm against the Saints probing. Kehrer has a decent game at right-back and we avoid giving away any free kicks in Ward-Prowse territory.

THE IRONS GO MARCHING IN

Bazunu has to prevent an own goal by Caleta-Car from Bowen's cross. A corner finds Paqueta at the back post but he swivels and volleys over the bar. Antonio comes on for Ings and confuses both his team-mates and the opposition, at one point almost smuggling the ball over the line with the ball seemingly glued to his chest.

The Saints bring on the giant 6 foot 7ins Onuachu who provides a focal point up front. Urged on by some noisy away support they almost equalise as Ward-Prowse gets in a good cross and Onuachu plants a header against the bar. 

Sub Flynn Downes does a good job of holding the ball up and Bowen wastes more time on the wing as the Irons see out three minutes of added time. Not pretty, but the result was everything.

Matt and Lisa head off to watch the WHU women's team play at Dagenham. This makes it four games in two days for uber-fan Lisa, who has also seen the Under-18s and the Under-21s play on Saturday. Perhaps she could fit in a 7.45pm kick-off as well? The rest of us head to the Eagle where Fraser is treated to table service as we try not to remind him that Moyes has saved his job again. Brendan Rodgers has gone though and soon Graham Potter has departed Chelsea too. Perhaps they should appoint Avram Grant again?

To be positive that's five league games at home unbeaten. Hopefully this result will give the side some confidence to play more expansively and get some kind of result against third-placed Newcastle on Wednesday. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Kehrer 7, Aguerd 8, Zouma 7, Emerson 6 (Cresswell n/a); Rice 7, Soucek 5 (Downes 6), Paqueta 7 (Fornals n/a), Benrahma 6, Bowen 7, Ings 5 (Antonio 6).

Boxing Day hangover for West Ham

West Ham 2 Southampton 3

The Overground is closed so it's a long trek on the Underground to Stratford with my daughter Nell. The lack of trains and omicron fears have put off a lot of fans and there are a dispiriting number of empty white seats, giving the game an anti-climatic feel. Still, at least diehards Matt (reading Man About Tarn), Lisa, Fraser, Michael, Nigel, CQ, Alison and Scott are in attendance, with Scott predicting it will be 3-2 again, though he doesn't say for which side.

The Irons look off the pace and disjointed. Southampton take the lead after eight minutes when Walker-Peters finds Elyounoussi, who fires into the bottom corner from the edge of the box. Rice and Soucek should surely have closed him down more effectively. 

OFF THE PACE

The away fans regale us with When The Saints Go Marching In and the team in yellow dominate the half, with Fornals, Benrahma, Vlasic and a toiling Bowen failing to create anything up front. "Just get on your horse and f***ing charge!!" yells an irate fan behind us, possibly a cousin of Matt's. West Ham's best chance comes from a misplaced pass by the Saints, as Vlasic draws a decent save from Forster. On the plus side the Bank of Dad does buy Nell a nice if expensive hot dog.

CQ keeps up our spirits at half-time by passing round the inaptly named Celebrations. Moyes shakes it up up at the break by bringing on Antonio, back from isolation, and Lanzini, replacing Vlasic and Fornals though most of the team could have been pulled off. 

West Ham play with much greater intensity and look a better side with Bowen back on the right wing.The equaliser comes when Bowen's corner is headed back by Dawson and Antonio twists to bullet home a header. That will be good for his confidence and even VAR doesn't manage to cancel it.

Yet we can't hold on to the lead. Rice fires a good effort just wide, but then at the other end Broja beats Diop for speed. Dawson barges into him outside the box but then falls into the Saints striker in the box. After the ref gives a corner VAR intervenes and Kevin Friend points to the spot, though the original offence was surely outside the area. Ward-Prowse is never going to miss.

PUTTING THE GAME TO BEDNAREK

The response from West Ham is good. Three minutes' later Soucek finds Bowen, who wriggles down the right and pulls back for Benrahma to fire home. Surely we can now beat the team that can't hold a lead? Not with Soucek giving away a stupid foul on 70 minutes. Ward-Prowse plays in an excellent delivery and Bednarek rises above Dawson and Soucek to power home a glancing header and send the away fans into ecstacy.

"This is just like watching the old West Ham," suggests Nell, strangely reassured by the fact that we are back to being flaky. The Irons huff and puff for the remaining 20 minutes. "When has Yarmolenko ever done anything ever? What was the point of that, Masuaku?" exclaims the irate Vicar's Son, possibly in need of a relaxing trip to San Francisco.

An Antonio blocked shot and a few corners is as good as it gets and at the end Southampton celebrate like they've won a Champions' League Final. Fraser, Matt and myself find the empty Refreshment Rooms still open as Matt reminisces about a drug bust for a member of the Wombles, as you do. 

This was poor, and rather like a Pellegrini side. The loss of Cresswell, Zouma and Ogbonna would test any team, but reinforcements in defence and attack are needed and we'll do well to finish in the top eight. There was some hope in the second half performances of Bowen and Antonio but you can't concede three goals at home and win — unless you're Man City. 

At least we can put it right in two days against Watford in what is now a must-win game, though this is the game where our slump started to look like more than a blip.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 5, Dawson 5, Diop 5, Masuaku 5; Soucek 4, Rice 6, Benrahma 6 (Yarmolenko 5), Vlasic 5 (Antonio 7), Fornals 4 (Lanzini 6); Bowen 7.

We're all going on a European tour!

West Ham 3 Southampton 0

After 14 months I'm finally back at a football match, having managed to buy a return after failing in the initial ballot. Just like in the olden times Matt and Lisa are dining in the Best Cafe and it's my first isotonic egg chips and beans since March 2020.

We head to the ground the required hour before kick off, buying a programme with a card, showing our tickets on our phones and then passing a rather cursory photo ID test. Lisa and Nigel are watching in the Ball and Bat in Westfield. 

At the turnstile disaster almost strikes for Matt. He's accidentally turned the brightness down on his phone and now it's a black screen where his ticket should be and he hasn't printed a back-up. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Luckily, through looking at my phone and where the brightness control is, he's able to avert his worst nightmare. Still, good lack of colour for the blog.

The 10,000 fans make more noise than some of our 60,000 crowds and we're soon into choruses of "David Moyes' Claret and Blue Army" and "If you hate Tottenham stand up!" After a moving set of pictures of Hammers fans who have died during the pandemic, including Glenn Roeder, we kick-off. 

It's a nervous start from the Irons even if it is great to see Coufal, Lingard and Craig Dawson in action for the first time. Minamino should put Southampton ahead but shoots just wide after Fabianski narrows the angle. Walker-Peters then spurns another inviting chance. Matt hears a cry of, "You're shit Cresswell!" Just like old times.

We need something to get the side going and it's left to Mystic Matt to provide an assist. As soon as he WhatsApps "Fornals having another one" Bowen wriggles past a couple of chances to get a shot away and McCarthy parries into the path of Fornals, who gleefully shoots home and runs to the fans. 

Three minutes later Couyfal crosses and Fornals quickly moves his feet to fire home with the aid of a slight deflection. Pablo is turning into a goal machine.

The second half sees Southampton continue to enjoy a lot of possession without doing too much. Fabianski does have to make a great save from Bednarek though. It gets nervous as the chants of "We're all having a party when Tottenham f••ked it up!" prove premature.

Soucek and Rice have held the side together in midfield, though Antonio is a little off the boil up front and is replaced by Benrahma, who wastefully fires into the side-netting, much to the chagrin of Matt. 

But the game is finally put to bed when Fornals plays through Rice who races through with great power, gives the keeper the eyes and shoots home at the near post.

"We're all going on a European tour!" rings round the stadium and then Bubbles.The players come on for a lap of honour and Moyes pumps the air in a moment of personal redemption. Blimey. We go above small London clubs Arsenal and Spurs. "We have a 100 per cent record at West Ham games this season," points outs Matt. 

With the Stratford bars rammed we think laterally and move to Canonbury where the four of us enjoy some Gamma Ray in the Snooty Fox and Nigel reveals that Brentford is the club that has its centre spot closest to a railway station. We party like it's 1999, when we finished fifth with a negative goal difference. What a season. No-one expected this. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Coufal 8, Dawson 7, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 6; Fornals 8, Rice 8 (diop n/a), Soucek 8, Lingard 7, Bowen 7 (Noble n/a); Antonio 6 (Benrahma 5).

We've won at home!

West Ham 3 (three) Southampton 1

At the Clyde Best Cafe Matt and Lisa are enjoying a halloumi baguette and an omelette after discussing the early LPs of Pendragon, while Nigel is causing consternation by trying to pay with a Scottish ten pound note. 

We take Matt's 'short-cut' via the tower block and dodgy alleyway to the London Stadium, where we find that with Scott is Steve the Cornish Postie, up for his first game since Man United in order to bring us some luck. Alison is at home having just returned from a scouting mission in Jamaica.

The big news is that David Moyes is trying to further wind up Fraser by playing three strikers and making Ron Greenwood and Pellegrini look a tad defensive. After the earlier demo the crowd seem up for this one.

Bowen immediately looks pacy and Antonio finally appears to be back to full fitness, bullying his full back and beating the defence for speed. Haller looks a different player with two fast players alongside him and races forward to support the breaking Antonio. The move ends with Bowen tackled at the last by Ward-Prowse. 

JARROD MARCHES IN
West Ham take a deserved lead as Antonio and Haller press, Rice wins the loose ball to find Fornals and the Spaniard's through ball is dinked over the keeper by the sharp Bowen. He looks pretty pleased to score his first goal and with his energy must be a handful to play against.

Antonio makes another great run and cross but Haller's header is straight at the keeper. But all the worries reappear as with their first break Southampton score. Obafemi manages to loop a possibly mishit shot over Fabianski. Will it be a Brighton-style collapse?

The crowd stay with the Hammers and inspired by the indefatigable Rice the Irons keep going. Diop heads a corner wide when he should score. We get our reward as Antonio crosses, McCarthy only gets one hand to the cross and the giant Haller heads the ball out of his arms. He still has much to do but manages to stretch out a long leg and poke the ball home from an acute angle. Just the player we needed to score.

WAITING FOR THE GREAT LEAP YEAR FORWARDS
At half-time we're not confident though and Nigel is told in no uncertain terms not to eat his 'lucky' banana. The Saints fizz a series of crosses across West Ham's box at the start of the second half. But Moyes' policy is to play longer balls and catch Southampton on the break with our pace and it seems to be working. On 54 minutes Haller flicks on a goal kick, Fornals lobs over the defence and Antonio races through the Saints' defence to score the third.

Ings has come on for the Saints but the Irons, having lost 22 points from winning positions, finally get the job done. Meanwhile Haller is proving something of a revelation. His rabona plays through Antonio, only for McCarthy to save with his foot. Nigel attempts to get out his lucky banana with ten minutes to go only to be shouted at by our entire party. Eventually he gets to eat it after the final whistle.

Finally the 'lucky' banana emerges

We head off to the Refreshment Rooms walking behind a kid in a 'GSB Out' jacket. The mood is much happier, and surely Liverpool will thrash Watford later on. The absent Michael the Whovian asks if he is now banned and we agree that he must now self-isolate as the West Ham jinx.

Nigel suggests that we need a new routine of paying for lunch with a Scottish tenner, using Matt's 'short-cut' to Carpenters Road, no half-time lucky banana — oh, and Postman Steve has to be there. Plus we also need Matt and Lisa to travel to Somerset after the game, a top civil servant to resign on the morning of the match and the Prime Minister to announce another impending child. Not that we're superstitious.

With ten games left there is still much to do, but this performance offered hope. We're just out of the drop zone again. Fornals made two goals and the three strikers looked a real handful. Let's see what they can do against David Luiz and co next week. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Ngakia 7, Diop 6, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 6; Fornals 8 (Anderson n/a), Rice 8, Noble 7; Antonio 8, Haller 8, Bowen 8 (Snodgrass 6).

Arnie comes good to sink Saints

West Ham 3 Southampton 0

It's off to the Clyde Best Meze, where Nigel has leaked details of a meeting in Gavin Williamson style, only to fail to arrive as Matt and Michael discuss the recent Blancmange gig. Eventually a tardy Nigel arrives to order a bacon sandwich and surprisingly confess that he is not a fan of '80s synth duos. 

Meanwhile Matt is flourishing his Women's FA Cup Final ticket and plans to leave the game early to get to Wem-ber-ley. His day gets off to a good start as we all fail his trivia test — unable to identify the former Hammers and England striker currently playing in Scotland. The rather obvious answer is Jermain Defoe. Matt also knows that Anton Ferdinand is playing for St Mirren reserves.

We head off to join Fraser, Alison and Scott at the London Stadium for the last time this season as a chill wind bites in Stratford. Anderson and Rice are unwell, but thankfully Southampton have rested Redmond and Ward-Prowse and play like a team grateful to have ensured survival. 

Lemina gifts a pass straight to Noble, who plays a fine through ball to Arnautovic. The big Austrian slots home for his first goal since January, which should help continue his Hammers rehabilitation. The restored Fraser Forster has to make good stops to deny Lanzini and Antonio as West Ham dominate the half and the improved Masuaku causes problems with his runs.

CLARET AND BLUE ARNIE
But it's a changed game after break as Redmond comes on and immediately causes trouble with his runs behind the WHU defence. Fabianski has to make an acrobatic save to tip over Redmond's volley and a fair-ish shoulder charge in the box by Fredericks prevents another chance. 

Celebrating Ryan Fredericks' goal

For once West Ham are clinical though. On 69 minutes Fredericks overlaps and gets in a cross that is cleared out to the left. Arthur Masuaku powers into the space and Forster can only palm his cross into Arnautovic. The ball loops up in the air and Arnie heads home. 

Three minutes later the Irons score a third. Sub Jack Wilshere plays a nice back heel into Fredericks who surges into the box and fires low into the net. A deserved goal for his better performances of late. Alison wonders if there's something wrong with the Matrix after two goals in three minutes.

Matt leaves for Wembley as Arnautovic looks motivated to get a hat-trick and is unlucky to curl an effort just wide after being set up by sub Perez. We even get to see Carlos Sanchez return. So it's two wins in a row and we're unbeaten since the carpet made its debut. It's been the most productive season at the London Stadium so far.

WE'RE ALL GOING ON A SUMMER HOLIDAY
There's a rather sparsely-attended lap of honour after the game, where we get to see Nobes with his mini-me son and even Andy Carroll. Nigel, Michael and myself head off to the Refreshment Rooms. There's a brief discussion of whether Nigel is a sexist dinosaur for failing to organise a women's FA Cup Final breakfast in Kew — though he's positively woke compared to the man at the bar whom Michael overhears saying, "a proper fan wouldn't miss today's game to watch the birds!"

We watch the match at Wembley on the pub TV with a pint of London Stout for myself (Blue Moon would be a hostage to fortune, points out Michael) and the Hammers give it a real go in the first half, with City keeper Karen Bardsley making a brilliant save from Jane Ross's header. Sadly a goalkeeping error from Anna Moorhouse results in City taking the lead with a deflected shot in the second half, and two late goals follow. But a Cup Final is still good progress for WHU's first professional season.

As for the men's game, it's been strange not to be involved in a relegation struggle, which is progress I guess. The season has had its memorable moments, most notably beating Man United and Arsenal and winning at Spurs. Plus some great goals from Anderson and a couple of thrillers against Burnley and Huddersfield, marred by many forgettable away defeats. Then again, big players like Lanzini and Yarmolenko have missed large chunks of the season and you just hope that with some clever signings West Ham might have a go at Europe next time. Come on you Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Fredericks 7, Diop 6, Balbuena 6, Masuaku 7; Diangana 5 (Wilshere 6), Noble 7 (Sanchez 5), Obiang 6, Lanzini 6 (Perez 5); Antonio 6, Arnautovic 8.

Redemption for Hammers against sorry Saints

West Ham 3 Southampton 0

It’s in to the revamped Best Cafe where Michael the Whovian has been to see a play called Cathy that actually gives the Best Cafe a namecheck - surely a lucky omen. He then orders “Set 2” from the menu as I suggest we had a nit of a Set 2 against Burnley three weeks ago. We’re met by Nigel who has rejoined the 92 Club after a trip to Forest Green where he strangely eschewed the vegan burgers, plus Mystic Matt and my daughter Lola.

Inside the stadium we find Fraser who has escaped a lifetime ban for wanting Ron Greenwood back, Alison and Scott. The crowd is positive throughout and all the talk of crisis appears to have galvanised the fans. The West Ham side looks up for it from the start. Antonio has to go off after nine minutes (will he ever be fit again?) but the team spirit is epitomised by sub Ednilson Fernandez who puts in a hardworking shift on the right.

We make the breakthrough just as Mystic Matt announces that Mario isn’t scoring or making goals. Happily we score from a Southampton corner. Kouyate makes a tremendous surging run down the right and finds Mario. He has time to take three touches before walloping his finish past McCarthy. It’s a cathartic moment as Super Mario runs to the crowd.

Arnie should score a second soon after but dinks wide. It gets better as Mario crosses and Arnautovic pokes home after the keeper’s initial save. He celebrates in the general direction of his old mate Mark Hughes. The Hammers score a wonderful third in first half added time. Masuaku has made a real difference on the left and fires in a perfect cross for Arnie to nonchalantly volley home. A great finish made to look easy.

The team that meets in caffs

At half-time, this being West Ham, we discuss the West Brom and Wimbledon games where the Hammers lost 3-0 leads to lose 4-3. The second half sees the Saints improve a little but Joe Hart still doesn’t have a save to make. There’s a rousing chorus of “Claret and Blue Army!” and Cresswell almost adds a fourth with a late volley on to the bar from Mario’s cross.

Southampton rolled over, but this was much much better from the Irons. Pleasingly as we head to Christchurch for an Easter break the train is full of depressed Saints fans. It's not over, but another win and a draw from the last seven games and we should be safe.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hart 6; Zabaleta 6, Ogbonna 7, Rice 7, Cresswell 7, Masuaku 8; Noble 8, Kouyate 8 (Cullen n/a), Mario 8; Antonio n/a (Fernandes 7), Arnautovic 9 (Hugill n/a).

Saints go marching in against shambolic Hammers

We can see you sneaking out…

West Ham United  0 Southampton 3

The best part of the day is a pre-match Ruby Red ale at Hackney Wick’s Tank with my near-neighbour Will, who’s a Saints fan, and my daughter Nell who has a hipster Coke.

Inside the stadium Nigel’s away discussing the new Bridget Jones film, but Alison and Scott are back from New York, perhaps wishing they were still watching the New York Jets, particularly as the sun is in our eyes all game and they said that wouldn't happen at the reservation centre.

The first half is uninspired with neither side getting in a shot until Saints take the lead after 40 minutes. Antonio and Nordtveit go to sleep, and Bertrand crosses for Austin to get in front of his man and flick home. Adrian prevents a second from Cedric just before the interval.

Bilic subs Lanzini for Feghouli at half-time. We mount some pressure and Zaza dives to try and get a penalty, receiving a yellow card for simulation. Soon it’s 2-0 as Reid and Kouyate dither in the middle and lose the ball. Tadic is unmarked and rounds Adrian to score.

Adrian has to make a further great save to keep us in it and there’s a brief rally. West Ham have a strong shout for a penalty as Feghouli’s shot is blocked by the arms of a defender. Van Djke clears off the line from Zaza’s scuffed shot and Antonio crosses for Payet to shoot wide when he should score.

WE'VE GOT MORE FANS THAN YOU

But there’s no disguising that Southampton are better than us as they threaten every time they break. Adrian has to make another couple of great saves and Nordveit a fine saving tackle before Antonio loses his man and Ward-Prowse sneaks in to score the third in added time

“We’ve got more fans than you!” chant the Southampton fans at the rows of empty white seats.

Still, it’s not as if anyone’s travelled 5351 miles to see it. Oh hang on, that’s Steve ‘North Bank Norman’ Rapport who’s travelled all the way from San Francisco, writing on Facebook, “Well, that was fun.” Things are so bad Matt is going to have to resurrect his lucky Dukla Prague away kit.

Hammers getting tanked…

Will and myself stop for two thirds of a pint of IPA in Tank before I’m refused admission to Crate for wearing a West Ham shirt, even though I plead that Matt was reading Ferment magazine about Colorado beers at the interval and that no one is going to be dancing on the tables after a game like that.

It’s been a thoroughly dispiriting performance though Saints fan Will diplomatically suggests that our relegation talk is premature. Not on this form though. There’s a real lack of tempo and urgency to our game, which is mystifying as these players did so well last season. And it can’t just be adapting to the new stadium. We have to make changes and get some more hunger in the team — bring in Fletcher, Obiang, Oxford, Fernandes, anyone really. And we have to get some confidence back from somewhere. Nurse, the screens.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 7; Nordveit 4 (Fletcher 5), Reid 5, Ogbonna 5, Arbeloa 5; Antonio 4, Noble 4 (Fernandes n/a), Kouyate 4, Payet 5, Lanzini 4 (Feghouli 5); Zaza 4.

Christmas Carroll boosts Hammers

West Ham  2 Southampton 1

Strange happenings on the way to the East Stand. Matt, Michael and Nigel report spotting a fan taking a dump under a Southampton fans'  coach — in the very same spot where Michael the Whovian dropped my Christmas card against Stoke. You’re shit, aaaaargh… Matt is so put off by the sight that he forgets to recycle his papers in the nearby container. So Upton Park will be seeing some new faeces in the transfer window.

Southampton should be out of sight by half-time. The Saints take the lead after a lovely backheel from Mane starts the move that sees Long cross low and Tadic bundle the ball in off Jenkinson. Collins then has to make a magnificent block to deny Davis and then shows some proper leadership by rollicking Zarate, Jenkinson and most of his team-mates. Jenks is out of position replacing the injured Cresswell at left back, Song is off the pace, Noble is misplacing passes and Zarate is having a frustrating game.

MR MOON HAS LEFT THE STADIUM 

When the PA announces that Mr Moon has left the stadium the Saints fans respond, rather wittily, with “Mr Moon, he left ‘cos you’re shit!” Davis shoots just wide for Southampton and Adrian makes a couple of fine saves including a tip-over from Fonte’s header. Boos can be heard as West Ham keep playing balls into touch.

It’s so bad, Fraser quips at half-time, “Can we have Allardyce back?” Bilic makes some sensible changes, switching Jenkinson to right back and putting Tomkins at left back, then bringing on the returning Carroll and Lanzini for Zarate and Song. We immediately look a lot better and the crowd respond. Collins has a header cleared off the post and then Andy Carroll takes the ball off Tomkins’ foot to blaze over when he should score. 

It’s hard to know how much longer is left as the scoreboards are still not working and presumably Karren Brady didn’t get enough Xmas Amazon vouchers to cover the cost of a replacement. But Hammers keep pressing while Collins and Tomkins are solid at the back. Ginge plays on after injury and gets a rousing "One Ginger Pele!" chorus. Great news he's signed a new contract. Meanwhile Matt remains strangely positive after his sojourn in California, even after Valencia is scythed down and the ref completely ignores it.

OH WHEN THE SAINTS GO 2-1 DOWN… 

We equalise on 69 minutes with a bizarre goal. Antonio runs into the box, takes a tumble and then a defender’s clearance bounces off his head into the net. And it’s not even Twelfth Night. A lucky goal but deserved on our second half performance. Ten minutes later it gets even better. Valencia crosses, the ball loops of a defender and Antonio heads on to the underside of the bar. Andy Carroll, sporting a new braided ponytail, does well to take a step back and head into the unguarded net before running into out corner of the East Stand. Never in doubt.

“Oh when the Saints go 2-1 down…” chant the gleeful Bobby Moore Stand.

Antonio then makes a thrilling run from the edge of his own area, outpacing the Saints’ defence but firing way wide. Shows his potential though and on a different night he might have had a hat-trick.

We hold on through four minutes of added time and at the whistle Bilic hugs every player. Our first win in nine, though we’re now unbeaten in six. And a much better return of four points from the two post-Christmas games, whereas last season we lost both of them. And a proper floodlit atmosphere to prove what makes the Boleyn so special. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 7; Jenkinson 6, Collins 8, Ogbonna 6, Tomkins 7; Zarate 5 (Carroll 7), Song 5 (Lanzini 6), Noble 6, Kouyate 6, Antonio 8, Valencia 6 (Obiang 5).

Schneiderlin's Saints shatter slumbering Hammers

West Ham 1 Southampton 3

There’s plenty of kids-for-a quid activity in Ken’s café. I’m with my daughter Nell awaiting isotonic egg, chips and beans while DC is taking his son Finn to his first game and is also taking his missus Clare on another hot date, having previously taken her to Ken’s Cafe for a Valentine’s Day fixture. Our team is completed by Michael the Renaissance Man (and Whovian), Nigel, Fraser and Matt.

On the pitch the club announce a new signing — Alex Song has joined on a season-long loan from Barcelona. Not sure if he can cope with such a step up… presumably this could mean that Diame is departing. “We’ve only got one Song!” sings the crowd.

Worryingly, Southampton start off well, and don’t look much different to the neat-passing team of last season despite selling five top players. Tadic looks to have skill and Schneiderlin, Ward-Prowse and co knock it about nicely.

Cresswell has to clear the ball off the line, but West Ham improve a little and Zarate starts to win a few free kicks. We take the lead when Mark Noble scores with a long-range deflected shot after Zarate’s lay-off.

The ball fizzes across goal as Vaz Te fails to connect. But then we appear to settle for 1-0 at the break and invite more Saints’ pressure. Right on half-time Southampton win a free kick , O’Brien blocks and Schneiderlin shoots home the rebound.

A rare moment of half-time optimism

At half-time the consensus is that West Ham didn’t really deserve to be ahead.

CAN WE HAVE OUR BALL BACK PLEASE?

The second half is dire. West Ham never get going and as one twitter user says, it seems like Southampton have three more players than us. We don’t close down their back four, don’t compete in midfield

Morrison comes on (“Is he the one in jail?” asks Nell) and at least looks confortable on the ball, though his fellow sub Diame seems to misjudge all his lay-offs. It’s too late though, and Southampton carry on passing WHU to death.

Schneiderlin puts the Saints ahead on 68 minutes after we fail to mark properly from a short corner that shouldn't have been given (Ramirez clearly heads it over). Then Pelle (who looks good for a bloke who starred in the 1970 World Cup) settles the game firing home after Adrian saves on 83 minutes.

What’s most worrying is the lack of leadership. No-one seems able to win a few tackles, get stuck in and fire up both crowd and team. Kouyate doesn’t look anything like the player he was at Palace last week and Valencia only gets 11 minutes.

IF THE KIDS AREN'T UNITED

“West Ham can’t lose!” says Nell.

“I’m afraid they can. Don’t worry, it will be good for our character,” I suggest.

Let’s hope DC’s son hasn’t emerged an avid Southampton fan.

We’re cheered up slightly by a visit to the Who Shop and then Peter Capaldi’s performance on Doctor Who later that evening. Am I supporting a good team? I don’t know anymore.

The only good thing is we have two weeks to regroup, get Valencia and Song fit and integrate the new players. Hopefully this was a one-off and the new signings will learn from it. But if we fail on the basics such as work-rate and passing then a struggle lies ahead.

TEAM RATINGS: Adrian 6; O'Brien 5, Tomkins 5, Reid 5, Creswell 6; Downing 5, Kouyate 5, Noble 6, Zarate 6 (Morrison 5), Vaz Te 4 (Diame 4), Cole 4 (Valencia 5).