We're all going on a European tour!

West Ham 3 Southampton 0

After 14 months I'm finally back at a football match, having managed to buy a return after failing in the initial ballot. Just like in the olden times Matt and Lisa are dining in the Best Cafe and it's my first isotonic egg chips and beans since March 2020.

We head to the ground the required hour before kick off, buying a programme with a card, showing our tickets on our phones and then passing a rather cursory photo ID test. Lisa and Nigel are watching in the Ball and Bat in Westfield. 

At the turnstile disaster almost strikes for Matt. He's accidentally turned the brightness down on his phone and now it's a black screen where his ticket should be and he hasn't printed a back-up. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Luckily, through looking at my phone and where the brightness control is, he's able to avert his worst nightmare. Still, good lack of colour for the blog.

The 10,000 fans make more noise than some of our 60,000 crowds and we're soon into choruses of "David Moyes' Claret and Blue Army" and "If you hate Tottenham stand up!" After a moving set of pictures of Hammers fans who have died during the pandemic, including Glenn Roeder, we kick-off. 

It's a nervous start from the Irons even if it is great to see Coufal, Lingard and Craig Dawson in action for the first time. Minamino should put Southampton ahead but shoots just wide after Fabianski narrows the angle. Walker-Peters then spurns another inviting chance. Matt hears a cry of, "You're shit Cresswell!" Just like old times.

We need something to get the side going and it's left to Mystic Matt to provide an assist. As soon as he WhatsApps "Fornals having another one" Bowen wriggles past a couple of chances to get a shot away and McCarthy parries into the path of Fornals, who gleefully shoots home and runs to the fans. 

Three minutes later Couyfal crosses and Fornals quickly moves his feet to fire home with the aid of a slight deflection. Pablo is turning into a goal machine.

The second half sees Southampton continue to enjoy a lot of possession without doing too much. Fabianski does have to make a great save from Bednarek though. It gets nervous as the chants of "We're all having a party when Tottenham f••ked it up!" prove premature.

Soucek and Rice have held the side together in midfield, though Antonio is a little off the boil up front and is replaced by Benrahma, who wastefully fires into the side-netting, much to the chagrin of Matt. 

But the game is finally put to bed when Fornals plays through Rice who races through with great power, gives the keeper the eyes and shoots home at the near post.

"We're all going on a European tour!" rings round the stadium and then Bubbles.The players come on for a lap of honour and Moyes pumps the air in a moment of personal redemption. Blimey. We go above small London clubs Arsenal and Spurs. "We have a 100 per cent record at West Ham games this season," points outs Matt. 

With the Stratford bars rammed we think laterally and move to Canonbury where the four of us enjoy some Gamma Ray in the Snooty Fox and Nigel reveals that Brentford is the club that has its centre spot closest to a railway station. We party like it's 1999, when we finished fifth with a negative goal difference. What a season. No-one expected this. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Coufal 8, Dawson 7, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 6; Fornals 8, Rice 8 (diop n/a), Soucek 8, Lingard 7, Bowen 7 (Noble n/a); Antonio 6 (Benrahma 5).