Lover man Payet sees off wild Rovers

It's off to the Heeltap at London Bridge to watch this one with coffee-drinking Lisa and Matt (both preparing for shifts) and Michael the Heathian, hot from researching former Tory PMs. Matt's wearing his lucky Botafogo shirt, as you do. It's a slow start to the game, with Blackburn harrying at the heels of West Ham's passers. On 20 minutes Blackburn take the lead as Payet jumps out of the way and Antonio turns his back as Marshall drills a low shot into the corner, that Randolph should possibly have done better with. 

Thankfully we're up against a struggling Championship side. The Rovers midfield parts to allow Moses to run at their defence and fire in a low shot that goes straight through Jason Steele (whom as Matt says, sounds like a 1970s superhero). The Gav arrives with the score at 1-1 and orders a pint of Spitfire. He brings us good fortune as Taylor fouls Moses 30 yards out and Payet curls a sumptuous fee kick into the top corner. He makes it looks easy as lover man Dimitri runs into the arms of Super Slaven.

Ten minutes into the second half Taylor stupidly fouls Moses and receives a second yellow so we're up against ten men. At this point we force Matt to say that Emenike will never score for the Hammers. It works superbly. Emergency right-back Antonio, playing as a virtual winger, gets a shot in that's blocked; in the ensuing melee Kouyate pulls the ball across the box for Emenike to prod home. 

Emenike then hits the post when he should score and we have a series of 'goals' disallowed for offside. Kouyate is rather unlucky to be sent off for clipping Rovers' Henley on the edge of the box, as the contact looked minimal and the ball wasn't under Henley's control. The imperious Payet decides to finish the game off playing through Emenike, who rounds the keeper well to strike home. Two minutes into added time Payet glides from his own half takes on what seems like the entire Rovers' side and scores a stunning fifth. Seven thousand Hammers' fans celebrate again. Long time since we've scored five on the road.

We wonder if the Heeltap is the new lucky pub as Gav reminisces about the difficulties of finding a Zenit St Petersberg handbook in -21C Russia. 

A great result. So now it's Shrewsbury away in the quarter-finals — unless Man United pull off a giantkilling that is.

There's only one Ruud Boffin!

Blackburn 1 West Ham 1

I’m Christmas shopping at the Angel as Matt’s half-time text arrives. The Blackburn game is on despite the snow and he’s taken Lisa on a romantic mini-break to Ewood Park (could this be how Shane Warne pulled Liz Hurley?).

He texts: “Two poor teams. We had two best chances but struggling to defend and the Sweary Prof looking shaky. Dyer having one of worst games anyone has ever had for anyone!”

His verdict on the final score of 1-1 is: “Mixed feelings about that they were there for the taking but Dyer, Barrera, Boa Morte and Benni so bad it was amazing we got anything.”

It’s probably a decent away point as Green misses his first game since 2007 and fourth choice Ruud Boffin plays in goal, while Behrami manages to injure himself in the warm up. It’s another strange selection from Grant, with Dyer playing and Cole on the bench even though Victor’s got a bruised leg and can’t play.

Match of the Day has extended highlights because there are only two games. Ruud Boy catches a Pedersen free kick and inspires a chant of “There’s only one Ruud Boffin!” Another famous Belgian. Boa Morte has our best chance in the first half, forcing Robinson to save with his legs after a good through ball from Piquionne.

Nelson’s goal early in the second half comes after a great save from Boffin, only the ball bounces on to Nelson’s thigh and into the net. It’s the result of another corner we haven’t cleared effectively and a cross that could have been stopped.

Still, we come back into it inspired as ever by Parker. Mattie Upson hits the outside of the post with a fine snap volley. The equaliser comes from a great run from Scotty, the ball breaking kindly for Junior Stanislas to, as they say, finish with some aplomb.

We could almost have won it as Piquionne sends a free header over, Benni air kicks from Parker’s astute ball and a knackered Parker overhits his cross when w have players in the box. Against that Dunn has a goal disallowed for an iffy infringement.

Alan Hansen make an interesting point afterwards, comparing the time it takes Parker to get up from a knock and the eternity it takes Ben Haim to recover.

We’re two points behind Wolves now and bottom for Christmas. Grant says he knows nothing of an ultimatum that he has to get one win out of three games. The first has been drawn. Not a bad point, but up against a managerless team was surely our chance to finally win an away match. Avram’s job may now be saved by postponements over the festive season.

Will we play the wild Rovers no more? At least their sacking of Big Sam means they might eventually be dragged down into the morass.

Merry Christmas everyone from Ruud Boffin the red-nosed goalkeeper. Here’s to staying up with the Christmas decorations and making the Carling Cup Final. Or have I been sipping too much claret?

Boring boring West Ham

Blackburn 0 West Ham 0


Breaking news: A weekend passes with no stabbings of players, no tragic deaths and no riots featuring lardy-bellied geezers from the football (pie) factory. On Sky Sports News Phil Thompson is supposed to be monitoring the match but is hopelessly disracted by the Liverpool game at Bolton.

We nearly score when Carlton bundles his way through but then fires over when well placed. They have a decent penalty claim turned down. Upson and Collins have fine games. Kieron makes it on to the pitch in the second half. Sam Allardyce looks ever more like a grumpier Les Dawson. And that's about it really. But after the week we've had, normality, tedium and an away point is welcome.

We'll play the wild Rovers no more…

Blackburn 1 West Ham 1

Arriving home from the playground at Finsbury Park expecting a dour 2-0 defeat it’s a pleasant surprise to find we’ve garnered another away point on our march toward the Europa Cup.

Match of the Day reveals that although Blackburn have had most of the game we’ve defended stoutly (the influence of Steve Clarke?) and broken away to take the lead.

Noble makes a great tackle in his own half to race forward to play the ball wide to Luis Boa Morte. The Boa finds Tristan who lays the ball off to Nobes who with the outside of his foot slides the ball into the corner of the net. Boa Morte might be marginally offside in the build-up but Sam Allardyce seems to think it’s an injustice right up there with the UK sanctioning torture.

Rovers equalise early in the second half when a clearance falls nicely for Andrews to shoot home first-time. Diouf has two “goals” disallowed for offside, both correctly. And at the end Kieron Dyer (remember him?) on as a late sub, has his shirt pulled and is hauled to the ground in the penalty area. The referee ignores a clear penalty.

Overall a great point for the Hammers, without our spine of Cole, Upson, Collins, Behrami and Collison. What’s most pleasing is that James Tomkins is starting to mature and take responsibility at the back with one goal conceded in four games and we’ve blooded another Academy product in Josh Payne. The downside is that the Observer’s fan at the game gave Diego Tristan three out of ten and he’s surely a veteran signing too far.

And at least no-one has sued us today, as yet. Admittedly Fulham threatened to get their writs out on Friday, but Neil Warnock claims in the Indie that he simply told reporters that he would consider the legal implications of the Tevez judgement, so might not proceed.

The writs might hit the fans, but we keep marching on to a Europa tour minus XL flights. Carlton Cole and James Collins will be available for our next game against the Mackems, and maybe even Kieron Dyer if he doesn’t trip over an isotonic sports drink in training…