Taty and Bowen see off Pompey

West Ham United 3 Portsmouth 1 (Carabao Cup, first round)

"Only Jesus can save you," read the banners held by the God Squadders outside Stratford station, which is a little pessimistic for a new season. In the Best Meze Cafe are Matt and Lisa, fresh from a safari in Tanzania where they saw three lions but missed the World Cup semi-final. After special pleading we are allowed to order off the breakfast menu and our food arrives with unusual alacrity. 

Outside the London Stadium they're no longer selling programmes, while inside the official programme tent has sold out. A lad is dispatched to get extra boxes and after a ten-minute wait I finally get my programme with Lamadrid on the front but no column from any of our numerous owners. Worryingly we're 21st after no games in the first published league table of the season.

We're joined by Nigel and CQ soaking up the big-game atmosphere. It's a record attendance of 53,369 for a League Cup first round tie and yet more proof of the West Ham' fans incredible loyalty.

A nice surprise is seeing Edson Alvarez in midfield. If we can keep him the big Mexican World Cup star can surely do a job in the Championship and he's ok here. David Sullivan is at the match and is informed by the fans that the Cockney Boys have got a new defender.

It's a nervy first 40 minutes from the Hammers as Portsmouth force several corners. Alvarez gets in a header straight at the keeper from a corner, but Kante looks out of position on the left and Orford isn't seeing much of the ball. The hydration break comes as a relief, though most West Ham fans seem to have hydrated on beer. "You sold your soul for this shithole!" chant the 9000 away fans, not very originally. Meanwhile Matt has had his first doubts of the season about the match day officials.

Pompey take the lead when Kilman heads clear but Segecic shoots from long-range and it deflects in off the unlucky Max. Hermansen spills but retrieves another long-range effort and that seems to wake West Ham up.

Two minutes before the break Orford does well to find Scarles on the left. He plays it to Kante who drives into the box and produces a great pull-back to bamboozle his man and then crosses for Taty Castellanos to score with a controlled finish. That was the 20-year-old Kante's first assist and a sign of the player he could become.

Deep into added time Scarles does well to head Alvarez's long ball back to Pablo. After a quick exchange of passes Pablo blunders into the box and slightly overruns it, but there is Jarrod Bowen to thump home a fine strike that takes a deflection off Shaughnessy. That's an assist for Pablo which might do his confidence some good.

At half-time Matt is amazed when Nigel goes early and eats his lucky banana, but the lad is undoubtedly feeling confident and even suggests that soft fruit might not affect the outcome. Meanwhile CQ has miraculously found some cups and free club water which she dispenses like a latter-day Florence Nightingale.

The Irons start the second half with good intensity and Walker-Peters and Bowen combine well on the right as Taty is foiled by a fine block from Devlin. KWP and Jarrod combine again on 50 minutes as Jarrod looks up to cross on to the head of Castellanos to make it 3-1.

The game is disjointed after that, with injuries and hydration breaks and one Pompey effort going just wide. Ward-Prowse gets his first minutes under Nuno and doesn't seem too popular with the away fans.

Orford forces a save from Schmid. Veltman comes on for ten minutes and looks lively on the right. His run sees Pablo, under pressure, strike the post. Will the Portugeezer ever score for West Ham? Late on Max Kilman, who has played well, makes a great interception and run from defence to set up Kyle Walker-Peters whose shot is well saved by Schmidt. It's good to see Josh Ajala get his debut for the final two minutes.

We hastily trek to the Eagle after persuading Matt not to take on the Pompey away crew. Here there's a solitary bottle of Ruddles in the fridge, plus Guinness, wine and Corona to take into the garden. Nigel's been to see Metallica in Cardiff and even better another heavy metal outfit called the Wurzels. While Matt's very excited to be going to Erith & Belvedere versus Billingshurst in the FA Cup and Lisa reminisces about giraffes, a bloat of hippos, hyenas and jackals in the Serengeti.

So a decent start to the season though the squad needs more signings. The full-backs played well, Kilman and the Greek Bloke looked solid at the back and Taty and Bowen will always score goals. Kante got an assist and Orford grew into the game though a midfield creator and a left winger are still needed. Now the proper stuff starts at Burnley. Come on you Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Kilman 7, Mavropanos 6, Scarles 7; Alvarez 6 (Diouf 6), Orford 6, Kante 6 (Ward-Prowse 6); Bowen 8 (Ajana n/a), Castellanos 8 (Veltman 7), Pablo 6.