Distracted Hammers lose at relegated Leicester

Leicester City 2 West Ham 1

A predictable defeat in this one, with the Irons players not wanting to get injured before the Europa Conference Final and Leicester needing to win in case Everton failed to beat Bournemouth. Moyes picked a strong side, resting only Soucek, Bowen and Zouma.

West Ham might have done more in the first 30 minutes after several attacks fizzled out. Iheanacho clipped the top of the bar after cutting inside, but Leicester looked nervous. A rare moment of quality saw the Foxes take the lead as Barnes played a swift one-two with Iheanacho, getting beyond Coufal and Downes, to angle the ball home.

The Hammers played with more passion after the break, with Evans heading a corner past his own post and Benrahma curling a fine effort against the base of Leicester's post. Faes headed home the second from a free kick, somehow getting in between WHU's central defenders. But by then news had come through from Goodison that Everton had scored and the West Ham fans taunted the home crowd with chants of, "Say hello to Millwall!"

Sub Bowen had a shot parried by Iverson and then laid the rebound into the path of fellow sub Danny Ings, who somehow blazed over. The Irons did pull one back when Ings released Fornals on the left and Pablo scored with a precise shot in off the near post. There was still time for a blonde Maxwel Cornet to come on, perhaps a disguise in the hope that my pal Matt doesn't recognise him and give him a hard time. He was soon getting in the way of his own player and then kicking his man instead of the ball, which rather sums up his season.

Not too much to learn from this, apart from the fact it kept most of the side match-fit for Prague. It's a sad comedown for Leicester after their title win in 2016, but as the Hammers know, no side is too good to go down. It's been a long, bizarre season, cut in half by the World Cup. One more game to go now - and it's a big one. 

Hammers comeback sends Leeds closer to the drop

West Ham United 3 Leeds United 1

It's off to the Best Meze Cafe to meet Matt and Michael, who is sporting an AK ultra-style black hoodie, though perhaps the AK lads didn't have a signed Hamilton logo on the front of theirs. The big news is that Matt and Lisa are going to Prague on a mini-break for the week of the Europa Conference final. 

The Best's chip portions seem to have got even larger, but after a hasty lunch we're off by one pm to make another unusual kick-off time of 1.30pm on a Sunday. It's a buoyant stadium, with flag-sellers busy outside. Inside Fraser, who is watching his two favourite managers, Nigel and CQ make up our number. 

Is that the Titanic? No, it's Big Sam who is very visible in his white shirt even from the Billy Bonds Stand. The Leeds fans are in good voice and their desperate side start well. Bamford gets behind the home defence to cross only for Rodrigo to miscontrol, then Harrison has a shot straight at Fabianski. Leeds take the lead from a throw in, Rodrigo scoring with a fine first-time volley. He runs into the arms of Big Sam, which is a brave thing to do 

That goal sparks the Hammers into life. Rice starts to dominate and Paqueta does some party tricks. Bamford going off injured helps. West Ham equalise 15 minutes after Leeds scored. Fornals lofts a lovely ball over the defence for Bowen to run on to. Jarrod gets in a good cross and Declan Rice Volleys into the ground and over Robles. Dec runs to te corner flag to celebrate what might be his last goal for the Irons. 

Paqueta makes a surging run to set up Fornals, who shoots wide. Pablo then sets up Emerson, whose effort is smothered by Robes. But Leeds have a good chance to equalise as Zouma is tackled, Harrison races clear and sets up Gnonto and Harrison for a set of scuffed shots that earn derision from the Irons fans. 

At half-time we're joined by Steve the Cornish Postie, who was dancing in the streets of Crantock last Thursday. The Gav and Big Sam Junior turn up too and there's a quick straw poll on whether Nigel should eat his lucky banana. The vote is he should.

The second half begins to chants of "West Ham are massive!" and Leeds look a little intimidated as the Hammers step it up. Paqueta has a long-range shot saved and Robles does brilliantly to tip over Soucek's header from a corner. CQ hands out some lucky claret and blue sweets purchased from a ferry in Greenland.

On 72 minutes Paqueta feeds Ings, who turns well on the edge of the box to play in Bowen, who skilfully finishes across Robles into the corner. There's a long VAR pause before it's ruled that Jarrod is onside by a couple of inches. 

There's still time for Summerville (has he left the Communards?) to get through and be thwarted by a fine block from Emerson. At the other end Paqueta wastefully tries to set up Rice when he could score himself and Ings misses another chance.

GAME OVER, MANUEL

The game is settled when from a West Ham corner Paqueta somehow bamboozles three Leeds defenders to wriggle in from the touchline, slalom across the box and set up sub Manuel Lanzini for a tap-in. A great moment for Manuel in his final home game. Big Sam looks like he could do with a pint of wine. Surely the assist of the season from Paqueta. And Everton and Leicester can't complain about West Ham's effort in this one.

At the final whistle the Leeds players look resigned to relegation as their fans leave. The West Ham players come on for a lap of honour with their kids, Declan receives the Hammer of the Year trophy and Moyesy comes over to pump his fists in front of his biggest fans (and Fraser).

We head to the Eagle where Matt discovers that Tayto crisps are made in a castle in Ireland. He suggests they must make a packet there. The drinks flow, with Hackney Haze from the fridge followed by the unexpected arrival of a newly-cooled bottle of East London Pale Ale. Michael departs for theatrical environs, CQ leaves for her bass class in her bid to become the new Roger Glover and Matt and myself head to Maryland. A difficult season is ending on a high. And on 40 points we thank WHU are finally safe. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 6, Zouma 6 (Kehrer 6), Ogbonna 6, Emerson 6;  Rice 9, Soucek 6, Paqueta 9, Fornals 8 (Johnson n/a); Bowen 8 (Lanzini 7), Ings 7 (Mubama n/a).

Final countdown

Blimey. We're in a final. It still doesn't seem quite right to see the words "West Ham" and "Final" in the same sentence. Back in the dawn of time when I first supported West Ham I saw the team win the FA Cup at Wembley in 1975 and 1980 and watched on TV as they lost the 1976 Cup Winners' Cup Final to Anderlecht. We also lost the League Cup Final to Liverpool in 1981, after a replay. And then nothing bar the 2006 FA Cup Final when Steven Bloody Gerrard scored that scorcher in added time and WHU lost on penalties. So that's one final in 42 years. Leicester, Watford, Portsmouth, Cardiff, Stoke, Wigan, Swansea, Bradford City, Birmingham and Fulham had all got to finals more recently than the Hammers until Thursday night. Now let's go out to Prague and win it. Irons!

Pablo fires Irons to final glory

AZ Alkmaar 0 West Ham 1 (Europa Conference League)

It's off to our new lucky pub the Eagle, via Maryland station. Fraser's directions prove better than Nigel's short cut to the Black Lion, though my trip involves an unexpected detour to Forest Gate as the rear train doors don't open at Maryland due to the short platform. Lisa has hot-footed it from a poetry reading and Fraser is there with Sinead who is providing Tayto crisps and peanuts plus East London Pale Ale for our table and a personalised glass for Fraser. Michael is AWOL possibly watching experimental fringe theatre in the suburbs, while Nigel is searching for a pub showing the game in Wolverhampton where he's visiting his pal Adrian. Strangely we're the only Hammers fans in the pub, but we do get a seat. 

It's a raucous atmosphere in the Netherlands and the Hammers come under early pressure. But Zouma and Aguerd have good games and the side looks determined to learn from last season's semi-final defeat. Antonio starts to use his strength effectively and finds Paqueta, who curls a left foot shot against the outside of the post.

The second half sees more Alkmaar pressure. Rice does get in a long-range effort to force a save but at the other end Kehrer very nearly scores an own goal, forcing a fine save from Areola. Alkmaar have a good claim for a penalty turned down after Aguerd tackles man and ball in the box. Areola fails to gather a cross cleanly and the ball touches Zouma's hand, though VAR correctly rules that he couldn't get out of the way.

The occasion might be getting to Matt, who harangues Moyes for being negative, Paqueta for poor passing, Kehrer for poor crossing, Benrahma for lack of end product, Soucek for being Soucek, Bowen for not taking on his man and Areola for flapping at crosses. He even wants to bring Fornals on, though Mystic May suggests he won't provide much of a goal threat. We try to calm Matt's nerves with more East London Pale Ale.

We are updating the TV-less Nigel on WhatsApp, but dishearteningly we learn that he has forgotten his lucky banana. West Ham's chance comes when Aguerd fails to connect properly after a goalmouth melee. Meanwhile Fraser sagely states that although we're not playing that well he can't see Alkmaar scoring. The clock ticks on to 90 minutes and there is set to be a further agonising five minutes of added time.

WEST HAM ARE MASSIVE!

Paqueta takes it into the corner. But still Alkmaar come forward. We're in the 94th minute when the ball falls to Fornals on the halfway line. Suddenly Pablo finds his inner Lionel Messi, nicking the ball through the legs of Clasie and racing towards the AZ goal. He's still on the edge of the box when he shoots firmly into the corner for an exemplary finish. YEEEEEEES! "Look at his face!" exclaims Lisa, as Pablo climbs with some difficulty on to the hoardings to salute the joyous Hammers fans. We never doubted you, son. 

"It's lucky we all stayed so positive," suggests Matt. Fraser looks emotional as Moyes does a dad jig on the touchline having probably saved his job. Declan Rice celebrates like a man who will surely reject a move to no-hopers Arsenal. And there is dancing in the streets of Wolverhampton as Nigel realises his Cup Final breakfast in Kew is back on.

The whistle goes seconds later and unbelievably WHU are through to our first European final since 1976. It's then that some AZ Herberts in quilted jackets start to attack the away section. Some of the West Ham players get involved, concerned that their families are in that section, though the trouble is soon quelled and the lads return to celebrating with the fans. 

Moyes is punching the air, Nobes is in tears again, Cressy is emotional when interviewed on the tele and everyone says Pablo is a "good lad". Moyesy looks elated when interviewed by the Cole brothers and Robin Van Persie. We celebrate with more Pale Ale. It's just a shame that the final is being played at a 20,000 capacity stadium and we probably won't get tickets. A screening at the London Stadium would certainly help. 

But after the semi-final of the Europa League last year it's real progress to be playing Fiorentina in the Conference final and having the chance of qualifying for the Europa League should we win it. Always in doubt! Come on you Irons!

Titanic struggle for the Irons

What could possibly link West Ham and the Titanic? A BBC News item on the new 3D scans of the wreck of the Titanic superimposed the Titanic on to the London Stadium as a way of emphasising the size of the stricken vessel. The wreck of the Titanic stretched from one end of the pitch to the other - and probably crushed a few pitch invaders carrying corner flags in the process. Expect to see Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio arms aloft on the Billy Bonds Stand any day soon.

New director of football at WHU?

Interesting piece in the Guardian by Jacob Steinberg - who seems to have good sources - claiming that West Ham are going to appoint a new Director of Football even if David Moyes stays. The Director of Football will be briefed with improving the transfer strategy, though whether Moyes or a new gaffer would accept that is another matter. 

Moyes initially had great success in the market signing such bargains as Bowen, Soucek, Coufal, Dawson and Lingard. Zouma has proved a good value big signing too, but since the disastrous £28m signing of Nicola Vlasic and the poor loan signing of Alex Kral, Moyes appears to have lost his touch.

Of this season's £170m worth of signings only Aguerd and Paqueta have impressed, and they have both taken time to settle. Scamacca has shown glimpses of potential but has been injured for most of the season, Downes has looked game but limited, Emerson has failed to nail down the left back slot, Thilo Kehrer has made a lot of mistakes despite some recent improvement, while the £17m Maxwel Cornet has completely underwhelmed despite looking like a decent player at Burnley last season. Alphonse Areola is also still the reserve keeper, though he will probably replace Fabianski next season. Something needs to improve, as our recruitment is no match for the excellent signings made by smaller clubs like Brighton and Brentford.

Capitulation at a Bus Stop in Hounslow

Brentford 2 West Ham 0

This game proved, as my fellow fan Michael the Whovian succinctly put it, that West Ham have two teams - a middling Premiership side and a middling Championship side to make up our squad. With nine changes from the Alkmaar game it was clear Moyes was prioritising Thursday's semi-final and hoping Leicester don't win all three of their remaining matches.

Brentford took the lead when Aguerd played a loose ball out of defence and the unmarked Mbuemo arrived to stroke home. Fabianski should have done better. Despite several warnings of the dangers of long throws the move eventually paid off with Brentford winning the first ball and Wissa heading home the second. 

Ings did have a snap shot well saved by Raya, but against that Fabianski also had to make a couple of brilliant saves. Agent Nigel is among the Brentford fans and singles out Cornet as dire and Downes as out of his depth, with no service to Ings who was chasing shadows, but a few nice touches from Lanzini. 

Even without Toney Brentford could have scored four of five. Though the game might have changed if Ings had not had a goal disallowed for a ludicrous VAR decision. Sub Benrahma's cross comes back off a post and hits Divin Mubama. Lanzini gathers and crosses for Ings to score but VAR rules that Mubama has handballed it. He had his arms out to protect himself from running into the post and the ball seemed to hit his shoulder anyway. Another ridiculous VSR decision.

This was a really poor performance and proof that without Rice we won't be able to rely on a central midfield of Soucek and Downes. Hopefully it will have been worth resting so many players if we get a result in Holland, though the reserves failed to put any pressure on the first team with this performance.

Antonio gives Hammers lead for second leg

West Ham 2 AZ Alkmaar 1

It's a full-scale programme disaster. Despite arriving through the security barrier from Hackney Wick at 7.20pm the programmes have sold out. Matt, Lisa, Michael, CQ and Nigel have found the same thing at the Stratford gates. Only Fraser, the Fonz of programme collectors, has somehow managed to do a deal to secure one.

We're treated to a Raise the Flag mosaic reading "Irons", flame-throwers and fireworks before kick-off in front of an expectant crowd, most of whom appear to have had a sniff of the barmaid's apron. Billy Beane is in the crowd to view West Ham, the least Moneyball club in football. 

The Irons start well, with Antonio's pace and Benrahma's dribbling testing the Alkmaar defence and Benni doing well to get in a quick shot that Ryan tips past the post. But it's also clear that keeper Matt Ryan and his defenders are going to waste as much time as possible and Alkmaar are a decent passing side capable of slowing the game down. The ref is not giving Antonio anything after some of his more theatrical falls and the official makes some bizarre and fussy decisions.

The Hammers go behind after 41 minutes. The players are distracted claiming for a foul after Paqueta appears to be pushed and allow Alkmaar to break. Soucek doesn't come out quickly enough to close down Reijinders, who fires home a shot from outside the box that Areola should have saved.

The atmosphere turns more febrile, with some angry Herberts behind us moaning about every misplaced pass. If only they could be more positive like my pal the Vicar's Son. Michael is tempted to resurrect his Shakespearian insults to raise the tone. Damn your eyes, referee!

At half-time there's a straw poll on whether Nigel should eat his lucky banana. Times are desperate and we vote unanimously for eating. 

One thing this side does have now is a degree of resilience. The Hammers step it up in the second half and Bowen goes close with a typical cut inside on to his left foot. The breakthrough comes when Paqueta crosses into the box, Soucek heads it back to Bowen who heads over, but a second later is punched in the head by Ryan. A clear penalty and a booking for the keeper. Said Benrahma does well to keep cool while Ryan time-wastes and then strike it into the corner. 

The crowd becomes more positive and "West Ham are massive!" rings around the stadium. Zouma makes a great run into the box only to be ignored as Kehrer plays in several wayward crosses. The winner comes with 15 minutes left. Bowen's corner is flicked on by Zouma, Rice gathers it on the left and crosses into the box. Aguerd's header is cleared off the line but Antonio is on hand to poke home. Michail runs to the bouncing Bobby Moore Stand. CQ later praises Antonio for an old-school joyful celebration rather than the usual choreographed routine.

It's almost three when Benrahma plays a neat give and go with sub Danny Ings only to fire over. The Hammers see the game out without too much difficulty and now take a slender lead to Holland. The second leg won't be easy.

We head to Stratford among jubilant fans singing, "We're all having a party when Millwall fucked it up!" We're joined in Ye Olde Black Bull by Nigel's pal Big Sam, who is off to take Leeds down at the weekend.

Over a pint of Brixton Pale Ale we learn that Agent Nigel is going to Brentford undercover with a young Bees fan as hostage beside him on Sunday. He's also set to complete every home game this season. Matt would have the home games set but he had to work on the evening of the FCSB game when the Queen inconveniently died. He's still upset the game wasn't postponed allowing him to go to the rearranged tie. Though none of us can compete with uber-fan Lisa's four games in a weekend.  

We head off to the Elizabeth Line to see lots of police hopefully wasting the time of the Alkmaar fans. So it's a one-goal lead and a nervous trip to the pub next Thursday as we seek our first trophy in 43 years. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 5; Kehrer 6, Zouma 7, Aguerd 7, Cresswell 6; Rice 7, Soucek 6, Paqueta 6, Benrahma 8 (Fornals n/a); Bowen 7, Antonio 7 (Ings 6).

Benrahma secures massive win for Hammers

West Ham 1 Manchester United 0

It's surely a lucky omen when Michael buys his first ever programme enticed by the prospect of six pages on American Idol Jonathan Spector, the only West Ham player to read the Financial Times. 

It's a strange Sunday evening 7pm kick-off, but inside the stadium the atmosphere is cracking and Nigel's season ticket has worked for two games running. We're joined by Fraser, sporting a Big Sam-style tan after a scouting trip to Portugal, Matt and Lisa.

West Ham start off with some early attacks but United threaten on the break through the speed of Rashford. Fernandes drags a shot narrowly wide, then so does Antony, while Rashford cuts inside to graze the post.

West Ham take the lead when Benrahma escapes Shaw close to the centre circle and races into the United half. He has three players around him but makes ground with a surging run and then fires off a fairly tame shot. De Gea goes down like a fallen conifer and can only help Benni's rocket into the net. The crowd celebrate in disbelief. Nigel says it's always worth hoping for a fumble from the 'keeper - and he's got some opinions on shooting too. 

Antony shoots against the outside of the post soon after but the Hammers remain reassuringly resilient. Rice is everywhere and Kehrer is having a solidly aggressive game at right-back, while Antonio's strength is causing problems for the United defence. Just before the break the Irons are denied a penalty when after De Gea saves from Benrahma, Lindelof handles, in fact juggles, in the box - in the current climate it should surely have been given.

At half-time Mystic May and Fraser predict a 1-0 home win though a pessimistic Mystic Morris goes for a United victory. The second half sees West Ham make a determined effort to get a second goal, with Paqueta increasingly influential. Soucek stings the palms of De Gea with a shot. 

"West Ham are massive!" chants the crowd. From Kehrer's long throw Antonio and De Gea go up for the ball, the keeper falls to the ground and Antonio hooks home. The goal is disallowed though replays show there's not too much wrong with it - Antonio's arm brushes De Gea but it's hard to belief this would be a foul against an outfield player. 

Next, after good work from Benni, Paqueta crosses and Soucek volleys into the side-netting. Another Paqueta cross sees Soucek head home, only for the goal to be disallowed as Soucek is offside.

WEST HAM ARE MASSIVE

United look tired after playing on Thursday, but make a determined effort to snatch a point. Fabianski has to make a fine tip over to deny Rashford. The keeper then palms away an effort from sub Martial. On 75 minutes Matt and Nigel debate what other entertainment form sees you paying large sums of money but wanting it to be over as quickly as possible. 

Soucek is injured defending a corner but bravely plays on. There's a nerve-wracking eight minutes of injury time as huge choruses of Bubbles waft over the London Stadium.

Moyes makes good use of time-wasting substitutions, bringing on Fornals, Downes, Johnson and Emerson. There's an almighty scare as Fernandes' corner is headed across the six-yard box by Martial. Flynn Downes does well to get the ball into the corner in the ninth minute of added time. Finally the whistle blows and Moyes is on the pitch hugging Declan Rice. It's Moyesy's first league win against United since they sacked him.

We have time to make it to the Eagle for some bottles of East London Pale Ale as King Fraser is treated to non-coronation quiche and chips. Matt even has some top trivia about Joe Hart winning every English and Scottish trophy, asking which other players have done the same (the answer is Kenny Dalglish and Andrei Kanchelskis). 

This was more like it - West Ham under the lights and the crowd playing a huge part in victory. Barring a set of miraculous results from Leeds, Everton, Leicester and Forest we're now up and can concentrate on trying to get to a European final. Irons!

PL:AYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Kehrer 8, Ogbonna 7, Aguerd 8, Cresswell 7 (Emerson n/a); Rice 9, Soucek 7, Benrahma 8 (Fornals n/a), Paqueta 8 (Downes n/a), Bowen 7, Antonio 8 (Johnson n/a).

Depleted Hammers succumb to slick City

Manchester City 3 West Ham 0

It's the worst possible preparation for this one with the news that Zouma is probably out for the season and Rice, Soucek and Aguerd have succumbed to a bug in the Hammers camp. Still, the revamped Irons side give a decent defensive performance in the first half. 

Fabianski has to make a smart save from Mahrez and Rodri hits the post after a give and go with Haaland. But Ogbonna has been getting his head on everything and Flynn Downes has bern solid enough as the only defensive midfielder. On the left Paqueta and Emerson have combined well at times. West Ham even nearly score when Bowen gets away down the right and fires at Ortega when a cross to Emerson might have seen a tap-in.

But with so much possession City's pressure tells in the second half. Downes gives away a foul in a bad area and from the free kick Ake heads home, with Ogbonna having played the City strikers onside by getting back too early. Coufal goes off with a pulled hamstring and the Hammers bring on Ben Johnson. 

It's two when sub Ings plays a poor ball. Grealish breaks and plays through Haaland, who beats Fabianski with a delicate chip for his record-breaking 35th goal of the PL season. On this form he'd probably get in our team. If only City had a decent manager like Big Sam, who is apparently better than Guardiola.

A deflected strike from Foden makes it 3-0. Late on at least Paqueta gets through to have a shot parried by Ortega. It's no disgrace to lose at the Champions-elect but we now have an injury and illness crisis and need to get something from the last four games. Man United are not as good as City and a point or more on Sunday would do the job.