Would you swap relegation for winning the Europa Conference?

West Ham fans are not noted for their Faustian pacts, but recently a number of friends have been speculating over whether they would swap relegation for winning the Europa Conference. A surprising number, particularly younger fans who have never see WHU win anything, said they would. Having been lucky enough to see the Hammers win the FA Cup in 1975 and 1980 I'm not so sure. Relegation could see the club enter a long-term decline and be marooned in the Championship for years like Leeds were. I'd maybe swap relegation for an FA Cup or Europa League win but although the Europa Conference is something, it's very much the poor relation of the Europa League. Though couldn't we just this once make it easy by avoiding relegation and winning the Europa Conference? Or would that be too unlike West Ham? 

Rice work in Italy

Good to see Declan Rice score from close range for England in Italy last night. And also for Deckers to respond to some of the recent criticism from pundits Graeme Souness and Roy Keane. He might be leaving in the summer, but he's still been putting in shifts for West Ham. Against Notts Forest he was the best player on the pitch while at Brighton he was booked through frustration, which isn't the sign on a player who no longer cares.

Souness had said of Rice's defensive midfield role: “This role is a vital part of any team because in an ideal world, it’s multi-dimensional. You’re creative, you chip in with goals and you’ve got a defensive head at all times. If you’ve got all three of those attributes, you’re worth your weight in gold. For me, Rice has just one." Which isn't really true. Rice has scored two spectacular goals for WHU this season, but his role is mainly to shield the back four and start attacks. The best defensive midfield specialists like Kante, Makelele and Deschamps were rarely super creative going forward. Declan's not going to be able to beat ten players or score 15 goals a season, but at the moment he's the best at his role in the country.

Bowen double sees West Ham into quarter-finals

West Ham 4 AEK Larnaca 0 (Europa Conference League)

It's to the Best Meze Cafe pre-match where Matt and Lisa only drink white wine. We're joined by Nigel and Lisa's pals Bob and Dan. The menu goes upmarket at night so its falafel, halloumi mushrooms and chips all round. The sad news for Nigel is that his electronic ticket works for once as we join Fraser in the stadium. Michael is away on thespian duties, possibly playing God.

Scamacca starts and gets a good long-distance shot away early on. Then he gets the luck he needed with a tame effort that goes under Piric. That goal should boost his confidence at leasr.

Fornals hits the bar with a rasping effort. Johnson gets out-paced before Areola punches a cross away and then the Irons escape when AEK have a goal disallowed by VAR. But the tie is effectively over when AEK have a Ledes dismissed for a late tackle on Fornals, even though a sporting Pablo pleads for leniency. 

"What sort of number is 99?" asks Nigel, observing Larnaca's Nikolic. "It's Cornet who should be wearing 99," I quip. Behind us are several squeaky-voiced young boys singing "Antonio!" causing us to wonder if Freddie Sears has been allowed out late.

After the break  Scamacca shoots, Piric parries and Bowen fires home the rebound. Two minutes later Jarrod gets his head to a Cresswell cross to score a great goal. The Hammers are disrupted by a series of substitutions, but it's good to see kids Laing and Potts come on and even better when Divin Mubama diverts Soucek's header into the net with a clever finish for his first Hammers goal.

Strange to be relaxed at a West Ham game but a 6-0 aggregate win isn't bad against a limited side. Now for a bigger side in the draw. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Johnson 5, Zouma 6 (Laing 6), Ogbonna 6, Cresswell 7 (Potts 5); Soucek 7, Paqueta 5 (Cornet 5), Lanzini 7, Fornals 6; Bowen 8 (Mubama 7), Scamacca 7 (Ings 6). 

Benrahma salvages point against Villa

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 1 

It's a Sunday morning dash from Maidenhead (which Matt says has the longest-standing football ground in the country) where Her Indoors is doing a paddleboard race. Nicola ends up with a medal after doing 8km in one hour 21 minutes, which is more than most West Ham players possess.

At the London Stadium Matt is maintaining that his social media content does not contain any technical breaches of media guidelines and that he is equally critical of all referees. There is some concern that the social media output of Fraser might contain some anti-Moyes bias, though five years after Burnley at least he hasn't suggested a pitch invasion. 

Meanwhile Nigel has controversially admitted in the Best Cafe that he hates Liverpool more than Spurs. Michael, who is a possibly a Whovian, has been to see 1960s Doctor Who legends Peter Purves and Maureen O'Brien at the Riverside, but has not as yet received a Blue Peter badge from Peter Purves. 

Zouma starts and Kehrer replaces Ben Johnson. It's Ings against Mings as West Ham start well, with Bowen having the beating of Moreno. Rice's free kick is prodded wide by Aguerd. The Moroccan defender then finds Bowen with a lovely crossfield ball, Jarrod eludes Moreno and crosses for Benrahma to volley wide.

It all seems to be going well until the 17th minute. In Villa's first attack Kehrer stands off Moreno and the full-back whips in a teasing cross. Watkins gets ahead of Aguerd to head into the ground and over Areola. 

At least the Irons show good character to come back and equalise. Martinez claws away a corner to Paqueta, whose shot is headed off the line. In the melee Paqueta is pushed in the back by Bailey. He goes down easily but the contact was there. It's a silly penalty to give away and Benrahma blasts it home in the manner of Ray Stewart and Julian Dicks.

The Hammers regain momentum and Benrahma plays in a fine cross that Zouma should head on target. Before the break the Hammers are indebted to Areola for making a great reaction save to deny Watkins from close-in.

DESPERATELY SEEKING GOALS

The sides look pretty evenly matched, as the second half begins with something of a personal duel between Benrahma and Martinez. After a quality break Said curls an effort just wide and then sees another long-range effort tipped over by the World Cup-winning keeper. Nigel unleashes his lucky banana in an effort to conjure a goal.

Lucas Paqueta has attempted many clever balls, perhaps too clever, for as Lisa points out he's not playing in a side of Brazilians. He picks up a booking for a late challenge, then gets subbed for Fornals, storming off straight down the tunnel. Not a good sign. 

Bowen makes another great run down the right to cut back for Fornals, who makes a hash of his shot. Despite some media comments, the crowd do attempt to keep the side going. Benrahma has another goalbound effort foiled by a great block from the geriatric Ashley Young.  

The Vicar's Son is very annoyed when Ings is substituted by Cornet in the 86th minute, rather than Scamacca. Moyes later says that although Scamacca's hold-up play is good, “We know that his physical data has got to be much better than it is." If that means Gianluca needs to put himself about more then you wonder why WHU paid £35 million for him. Moyes also suggested that Scamacca is not a player to get behind defences. 

In Moyes' defence Cornet is fast and scored nine goals for Burnley last season. Though when Maxwel does get in a one-on-one, his silver hammer lets him down as he messes it up with an extra stepover before being ruled offside.

Villa have brought on Duran, who proves not to be hungry like the wolf when he shoots straight at Areola. There's a late scare when Rice dawdles in the area and then clashes with Buendia. There doesn't look enough in it to be a penalty and a big melee ensures as Rice takes issue with Buendia rolling on the ground.

There are a few boos at the final whistle, which are not quite deserved. It's a definite improvement on the Brighton game, Villa are not a bad side, Bowen has played really well and with a bit of luck Benrahma could have had a hat-trick, though as it is he has amassed a PL record ten shots in one game. We wonder if Moyes has really lost it, as he has forgotten to sub Beni.

So it's off to the Eagle for Spitfire from the fridge and the news that we are out of the drop zone on goal difference. We need to get some wins from somewhere, but though the result was disappointing, there were some reasons for optimism here. We've got points in our last four home games - and that's surely going to be the key to survival.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Kehrer 5, Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 6; Rice 6, Soucek 5, Paqueta 7 (Fornals 5), Benrahma 8; Bowen 8, Ings 5 (Cornet 5).

Antonio gets job done in Cyprus

AEK Larnaca 0 West Ham 2 (Europa Conference League

It's a 5.45pm kick-off on BT Sport in chilly London to see the lads in balmy Cyprus. Joe Cole and Carlton Cole get nostalgic about Ayia Napa in the studio and at the stadium the big news is that Mark Noble is sporting an Essex geezer flat cap.

After the Brighton debacle the Irons start slowly but at least the returning Zouma looks solid at the back. Larnaca are clearly a limited side, but the Irons come to life as Benrahma does a mazy dribble into the box to force a save. 

The breakthrough comes when Benrahma gets in a fine cross and Antonio, who has got between his markers, heads home. It gets even better when Micky scores a belter by bending it round his defender to find the top corner and make it 2-0.

The second half sees good work from Lanzini and Benrahma release Antonio again, only for his shot to strike the inside of the post. The result is never in doubt as the Hammers play within themselves for most of the second half. 

Forgotten man Maxwel Cornet has an interesting cameo, calmly playing his defence out of trouble on the edge of the box, then riding a tackle to release Paqueta with a great through ball. With just Piric to beat Lucas takes too long and allows the keeper to save. Could Cornet provide an element of surprise in the relegation fight? Areola makes a good late stop and it's all over.

Hard to read too much into this, but some good points after Brighton. Flynn Downes had a steady game in midfield (but was booked and will miss the second leg), Antonio boosted his confidence after his Old Trafford misses, Lanzini looked eager, Zouma and Cornet returned, and even Scamacca got 36 minutes of football. 

So it's nine wins out of nine in Europe - though as Nigel points out WHU currently have more wins in Europe than the Premier League. The really important game is Aston Villa on Sunday. But this will do our confidence no harm.

Political football

A bad week just got worse with the Guardian revealing that West Ham's accounts show the club made a donation of £9000 to the Conservative Party during the car crash Premiership of Liz Truss. That's partly money belonging to ticket-buyers and TV consumers like us. WHU also donated £12,500 to the Tories in 2016. Far better to use the cash to reduce ticket prices. Fair enough if David Sullivan or Karren Brady want to make private donations, but club money should not be wasted on donating to any political party, be it Conservative, Labour, Lib Dem, Green or Monster Raving Loony Party.

Tactical rift?

Jacob Steinberg, who normally knows his stuff, writes in today's Guardian that some of the West Ham players questioned David Moyes' defensive tactics for the game at Spurs. To be fair Moyes played a much more attacking side against Forest and saw the side win 4-0. He played that same side against Brighton, which should have been quite attacking on paper. But with Paqueta and Benrahma out-muscled and Rice and Soucek bypassed, with Ings isolated up front, it just didn't work. A defensive horror show ensued with Ben Johnson being at fault for the first three goals. You can't really blame Moyes for Johnson's 'mare, but it is worrying if the players are questioning his tactics. 

However, there is surely no point in changing the manager now as there is no obvious replacement and no transfer window to work in. We have to hope Moyes uses his experience to get us out of trouble - but to keep his job next season, having spent £160 million, he has to give the fans something to be optimistic about from the final 12 matches.

Torn apart by Seagulls

Brighton 4 West Ham 0

Up against a team that we've failed to beat in 11 Premier League games - what could possibly go wrong? Signal failures at Selhurst suggest it's not going to a good day as Big Joe and myself set out on the delayed train to Lewes, a cunning plan to beat the crowd on the way to the Amex. 

In Lewes we have a decent lunch in a chic cafe, which proves to be the best part of the day,  before boarding the local train to Falmer, which is again delayed. Somehow we make it into the away end just in time for kick-off. Brighton's ground is a long way out of town and is surrounded by green downs.

Early on March waltzes through the WHU defence to test Areola and it looks ominous. West Ham hold out for 18 minutes before Johnson gets under a ball he should head away. The speedy Mitoma is on it instantly and Bowen brings him down with a foolish push in the back when he still had Aguerd to beat. World Cup winner Mac Allister dispatches the penalty.

West Ham nearly equalise as Benrahma's run is halted by Estupinan and the ball rebounds nicely for Bowen who rounds Webster but shoots against the legs of Steele. But Brighton continue to dominate with everything going though the impressive Caicedo in midfield.

A chant of "Oh Said Benrama!" goes up from the away fans when Benrahma is predictably hooked by Moyes at half time, followed by, "You don't know what you're doing!" Said had at least been involved in setting up the chance for Bowen before the break. The mood turns more mutinous as Brighton win a corner. Mac Allister flicks it on and Veltman is completely unmarked in the box to chest home a ridiculously easy goal. Ben Johnson has lost his man again and Areola hasn't organised his defence to mark the free man.

CAN WE HAVE THE BALL PLEASE?

We just can't get the ball off Brighton and Soucek and co look like rigid table footballers. Rice and Soucek are both booked for late tackles born of frustration. Soon it's 3-0 as the desperate Rice goes too far upfield to chase the ball, Brighton ping it around and March finds Gross, who crosses for Mitoma to score having got beyond a daydreaming Johnson. Poor Ben is probably still wandering around the green fields of Falmer trying to track Mitoma.

"You're getting sacked in the morning!" goes up from the West Ham fans. "F**king useless c***s!" is one of the more considered verdicts. Then "How shit must you be, it's only 3-0!" On the rare occasions West Ham gain possession chants go up of, "We've got the ball!" The Seagulls fans start to give their side "oles" with every pass.

Areola makes a fantastic save to tip Enciso's shot on to the bar. Zouma comes on for the injured Ogbonna, to a chorus of boos. Danny Welbeck also arrives and Joe and myself know what comes next. He's given far too much space on the edge of the box and fires into the bottom corner. Not sure that Areola should have been beaten from the edge of the box, but he had no protection and has made a number of good saves to keep the score down.

"Can we play you every week?" chant the home fans. The seats are empty around us, and Joe and myself reflect that the younger fans haven't sat though 6-0 defeats at Oldham and Goodison Park like we have. We're later captured by the Match of the Day cameras among the few remaining diehards.

Well, that went well. We join the queue for the train to Lewes and at least the London train from there isn't too crowded. Joe reflects that there are so many London teams in the PL one normally goes down and it might just be us. 

It's important to remember that we played well against Forest last week. But this was a terrible performance where no-one won their one-versus-one battles and Brighton, who played really well, were made to look like Real Madrid. Can Moyes sort this out? The players owe us a big performance against Aston Villa.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Johnson 3, Aguerd 5, Ogbonna 5 (Zouma 5), Emerson 4; Rice 5, Soucek 4 (Downes 4), Paqueta 4 (Lanzini 5), Benrahma 5 (Fornals 4); Bowen 5, Ings 5.

West Ham check in at the White Lotus

For unlikely West Ham cultural references, check out series 2, episode 6 of the excellent White Lotus. Amid all the rich Americans comes a geezer from Essex called Jack. While romancing Tanya's assistant Portia in Sicily, he gets drink and breaks into a chorus of I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles. Later in bed we see that he has a Hammers tattoo on his arm. Jack uses the 'F' word a lot. He also says that before coming out to stay in Sicily with his 'uncle' he got himself into a "dark hole" in England - presumably a reference to supporting the Irons.

Out of the Cup after late United revival

Manchester United 3 West Ham 1 (FA Cup)

It seems like a good time to be playing a below full-strength United side, distracted by a Carabao Cup win. Sabitzer tests Areola early on but West Ham have the better of the first half. A great ball from Benrahma releases Antonio, but he never looks like scoring in a one-on-one with De Gea and waits too long before shooting against the keeper. An Emerson cross fizzes across the goal with Fornals standing still and that moment reveals just why we need Danny Ings in the side to gamble and get in the box.

Casemiro comes on for United at half-time as Ten Hag gets worried. The Irons take a deserved lead as United appeal that the ball has gone out for a throw. Soucek just keeps the ball in play and finds Emerson. The left-back passes to Benrahma who arrows a great effort into the top corner. The 4000 away fans celebrate and dream of another Di Canio-esque Cup win at Old Trafford.

All seems to be going to plan. Fornals hits a low cross across goal with no-one there to tap it home, then Antonio does well to beat Martinez for speed but, perhaps haunted by his first half miss, instead of crossing he fires against De Gea's legs. Two fine saves from De Gea but Antonio seems to have lost the art of good decision-making when given time in the box. It proves costly.

Rashford is now on and Casemiro has a header disallowed correctly for offside. On 77 minutes United win a corner after a miskick by Aguerd. Areola comes but fails to clean out his defenders and Nayef Aguerd back-heads the ball into his own net. Sod it.

The game looks to be going into extra-time with 90 minutes gone, but Weghorst's shot deflects to Garnacho on the edge of the box. Johnson could be a but tighter and the winger curls a great finish into the far corner. United score an undeserved third in the fifth minute of extra time when poor old Aguerd makes a hash of a routine clearance and Fred strikes home.

On ITV we then get to see Roy Keane patronise West Ham just to make it a bit worse. So our FA Cup Final breakfast at Nigel's gaff in Kew is cancelled for the 17th season running. It's not the despair, etc. A good performance for 77 minutes but if you don't take your chances against top sides and then give them an own goal this is the result.

Fabianski blow

Bad news indeed that Lucasz Fabianski has a fractured cheekbone and eye socket after getting caught by a knee in the Forest match. Sounds like he could be out for the season if he needs surgery. The Irons do have the best number two in the country in Alphonse Areola though, and he proved it with a fine late save from Toffolo. We're a bit stuck if anything happens to the Fonz, the only other back up is young Joseph Anang, who has some experience on loan with Stevenage and St Patrick's Athletic in Ireland, and another rookie in Krisztian Hegyi. And whatever you do Alphonse, don't get sent off. Still, a big opportunity for the man will surely be our number one next season.