Wednesday, November 2

The Only Way Isn't West Ham...

West Ham 0 Bristol City 0

In honour of Julien Faubert deciding he’s staying Nigel has told CQ it’s going to be a cricket score. In Ken’s Cafe Don P is discussing how to press olive oil in Italy (surely Ken's should feature in Jamie's Great Britain?) and Big Joe appears for a few minutes before heading off to the executive egg, chips and beans.

It’s down to myself, Nigel and Mike in the East Stand tonight as Matt’s at the Union Chapel watching some indie band, while Fraser arrives at half-time after a dash from a crime-show in Liverpool, but they’ll only let him in the Bobby Moore Stand. He later wishes they hadn’t.

Though after my strange omission in the Leicester report, Nigel is very keen for readers to know that Swindon Town is the only team in the League not to have any letters from the word ‘mackerel’ in its name.

Freddie Sears looks our liveliest player and may have found his best position floating behind the forwards. After 16 minutes he hits the post with a fine curling effort from the edge of the box.

Freddie Piquionne heads straight at James from Faubert’s cross but while looking the better side we don’t really create that much. City have a couple of efforts just wide and over the top on the break before half-time.

The most exciting moment is when Harry Durbidge and Amy Childs from The Only Way Is Essex appear on the pitch at half-time, only we’re in the bowels of the East Stand and miss it. It’s possible Amy believes Bristol City is a new cosmetic surgery salon in Brentwood. Harry is wearing an “I only kiss West Ham fans” t-shirt. Though Big Sam probably thinks “Shu’ up!” is Harry’s plan to see the game out.

In the second half Nolan shots too close to the keeper, Sears has a chip saved and Piquionne plants a header wide where Carew might have scored.

Amdy Faye, on for the injured Reid, makes a fantastic block after Green spills a shot and the ball rebounds to a City striker who looks certain to score.

Noble has a poor game, Nolan doesn’t contribute much either and we look strangely jaded for a side that has only played 15 games. Sam makes a strange substitution bringing on Cole for Baldock, presumably to test City’s defence with two big men, and replaces Sears with Diop. Freddie is perhaps a little tired after trick or treating the previous night.

We miss the creativity of Taylor, Collison and Lansbury and end up just lumping high balls into the box that City clear easily. Cole has a turn and blaze over the bar and that’s about it.

The only encouraging thing is that we take a point when last season we might have lost this banana-skin game. Three games in eight days appear too much for this squad. We still desperately need a playmaker that can create and beat players.

At least we’re away on Saturday. After a couple of drinks in The Central with The Gav, fresh from an evening with Brian Dear, Ronnie Boyce and Billy Jennings in Romford, we return past the players’ car park and see Harry from TOWIE leaving with a child on his shoulders and surrounded by autograph hunters.

Could Harry be the solution to our injury crisis? The lad’s only 17, wonder if he can play a decent through ball… Shu’ up!


Phil Nichols said...

This was a dire performance on every level. Allardyce said he was impressed by our 'creativity'. Come again? How many times could we lump the ball into their penalty area before the coin dropped that this was a strategy which was not working. We did look very tired & laboured. Noble tried god bless him but his passing was dreadful. If he is not constantly moaning or winding the other side up, you wouldnt know Nolan was there. We really need some spark of creativity from somewhere or someone.... maybe just a bad day at the office?

matt said...

I don't get half the cultural references here. Why are loads of over-hyped, under-achieving nonentities appearing in a West Ham blog? Not to mention those people from TOWIE...

Pete May said...

I agree Phil, Allardyce made much of the amount of crosses we had, but most of them hit the first defender. Taking off Sears and Baldock was strange too, as Freddie had a good first half and Baldock might always nick a goal. Noble was great against Leicester but way off form on Tuesday.

As for Matt's problems with The Only Way Is West Ham, I'm not sure if the show at Upton Park is scripted reality or not.

matt said...

Unscripted surreality is the tradition on Green Street