Gertcha!

Tottenham 0 West Ham 0

The customers of the Famous Cock Tavern at Highbury Corner are not inspired by this fixture. There’s one other Hammers fan in front of the screens and that’s it. Still, we're saving fifty quid by watching it in the boozer.

In the first five minutes Dawson hits the bar with a swerving shot after Modric has cut the ball back to him and then Judas Defoe flicks the ball just wide. Modric is running everything and it looks like we’re in for the usual battering. My pint of Doombar sounds rather apt.

Matt and Lisa arrive to offer moral support and announce that under Nigel’s Patented Survival Calculations this is a no-lose game, as we only have to beat Villa, Blackburn, Wigan and Sunderland to survive.

Unexpectedly we create a chance, as Cole lobs over the bar. Then Ba plays a great ball to send Carlton through, only for CC to shoot against Gomez’s legs. Had he rounded the keeper or chipped it we would surely have scored.

We’re defending well now, with Upson and Da Costa looking solid. Match analyst Chris Coleman picks out Wayne Bridge as the pick of our defenders for the way he forces Lennon inside. We knew he could attack but this proves he can defend too.

Lennon is forced to try a stint on the left flank and cuts inside to hit our post. The ball rebounds to Defoe who gets his feet all wrong and pokes horribly wide as if he’s a defender. Jermain is on 99 league goals. Matt and Lisa have noticed that he’s got a t-shirt on under his Spurs shirt with bold lettering declaring “100 goals”. A great incentive for our defenders to keep him out.

SICK JOKE
The second half begins with a lingering close up of Sandro throwing up on the pitch. The commentator apologises for surely the most explicit Technicolor Yawn ever seen on live TV. Has Sandro been eating lasagne?

We start well with Cole having a good effort saved by Gomez after some fine footwork in the box.

Ba comes to life and goes close with a vicious shot tipped wide by Gomez.

Noble chips way wide when well placed and it looks like we might nick a famous win. But back come Spurs with Modric forcing Green to save again. Defoe runs wide and gets his shot all wrong and has another effort saved by Green’s legs. Try a t-shirt with less bold printing next time, Jermain.

It gets tenser as Scotty hurts his shoulder again but plays on and clearly more crisps and Doombar are needed.

ENGLAND'S ENGLAND'S NUMBER SIXTEEN!
After 85 minutes Rob Green does fantastically well to tip Bale’s free kick on to the bar and then Jacobsen acrobatically clears the ball off the line.

Bridge makes another match-saving tackle on Defoe. Somehow there’s four minutes of injury time, but we survive.

Even Nigel doesn’t mind that we’ve put his survival calculations out of kilter. A great result at a ground where we haven’t won for 12 years. And a performance by Spurs that made Sandro sick.

Unbeaten for four games. A clean sheet. A really solid performance by the back four and keeper even though Spurs hit the woodwork three times.

Four points off Tottenham this season and we beat them to the Olympic Stadium. And Jermain’s t-shirt hubris rounds the day off nicely.