Hammers blow two-goal-lead against Astra

West Ham 2  Astra Giurgiu 2 (Europa League Qualifier)

The Ashes are still on but football’s coming home to E13… It’s another packed summer house at Upton Park as we anticipate the game in Ken’s Café. Michael the Whovian impersonates Tom Baker (who was once married to Lalla Ward who once played Princess Astra in Doctor Who, stick with it). Meanwhile Matt employs complex negotiating skills to order Lisa a 7.45pm takeaway portion of chips. Nigel's absent as his mum is visiting and for some reason she doesn't want to see the best the Europa League has to offer.

We enter the stadium where we are joined by a late Fraser. It’s West Ham pressure throughout the first half and we’re starting to get a glimpse of what a Bilic team will look like. The wingers have gone and it’s left to the full backs and Zarate and Payet to drift wide to provide the width. Everything revolves around Payet sand he looks a real West Ham-type player, a scurrying presence with great skill who will dominate going forwards. We also get to see Reece Oxford as a midfield holding player, who plays it simple and looks remarkably composed for a 16-year-old.

THIS IS THE ENNER

West Ham take the lead after 23 minutes. A corner is half cleared, Payet jinks inside and outside his man on the left and delivers a perfect cross for Enner Valencia to rise well and score. Should be good for Enner’s confidence, as he just didn’t score enough last season.

The only Astra threat is when Joey O’Brien is pickpocketed by Budescu and creates a chance. Yet our injury crisis has already begun to worsen. O’Brien has to go off with hamstring trouble after 36 minutes and is replaced by Reece Burke. A minute later Valencia goes down heavily and is stretched off. On comes Modibo Maiga. It looks bad and there seems to an unwritten rule that all our three strikers have to be either injured or suspended. 

West Ham still continue attack though and go close when Zarate controls the ball on the edge of the box and has a fine effort tipped away from the top corner.

ZARATE KID

The second half starts off well, and we double our lead on 51 minutes. Zarate receives the ball half way in side the Astra half and runs at three defenders. It looks like he will maybe pass to Maiga but instead he bamboozles three defenders in a mazy dribble and prods the ball into the net. Best goal of the season so far. ”Super Slaven Bilic!” salute the Bobby Moore Stand.

But at least we haven’t quite forgotten how to mess up a two-goal lead. Collins is booked for a body check and a few minutes’ later makes a silly challenge outside the area and receives a second yellow. That’s the same Collins who in the Standard has warned about the dangers of WHU getting players sent off.

So it’s down to Burke at right back and 16-year-old Reece Oxford at centre back for the last 30 minutes. Oxford makes a couple of great interceptions and Ogbonna performs a saving tackle, but Astra pull one back with a great strike from the edge of the box from Boldrin.

OGBONNA OG 

Everyone starts to get nervous and you start to worry about Bilic’s tactical acumen as he brings on Matt Jarvis for Zarate rather than shore up the midfield with Poyet or Nolan. The inevitable happens on 82 minutes. Ogbonna lunges at a pass into the box and manages to loop the ball up over Adrian into the top corner. Not quite as good as James Collins' effort  at Man City but as own goals go a bit of a classic. Oh dear.,

To round the evening off Maiga gets booked for diving and the ref ostentatiously delivers a red card to Bilic for something he said from the bench. Apparently it’s quite common for Slaven to get sent off. ‘’You’ve got problems when Julian Dicks is on the bench telling you to calm down,” suggests Matt.

At least we don’t actually lose. Matt texts Nigel to say that all he's missed is a two-goal lead overturned, Payet's debut, two red cards and an own goal. We retreat to the Central where Matt suggests that our squad is starting to look a bit like Zola’s, good football but too many number tens in Payet, Zarate and Lanzini.

“It’s July and we’re already depressed,” I venture. We agree on the need for a striker like Charlie Austin though for some reason the Vicar’s Son ridicules my suggestion that Rickie Lambert might be a cheap fix for one season. There’s some mirth at the news that Carlton Cole is in trouble for failing to report a speeding offence in his car  – and it’s suggested that there are 30,000 character witnesses at Upton Park who will vouch that he’s never been spotted going too fast in E13.

Then the Central delivers a masterclass in how not to run a pub. We’ve waited ages to be served and then at 10.30pm they play horribly loud music to drive us out, via the loos which have flooded.

Still, we played well for 60 minutes and Sakho will be back for the second leg. But you sense this might be the end of our European tour.

“We’ll concentrate on the League Cup,” suggests Fraser, “that’s the really big one.”

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 5; O’Brien 5 (Burke 5), Ogbonna 5, Collins 4, Cresswell 5; Oxford 6, Noble 6, Kouyate 6, Payet 7; Valencia 6 (Maiga 5), Zarate 7 (Jarvis 4).

Payet day?

Sounds like Dimitri Payet will make his competitive devout for the Hammers tonight against FC Astra. Should be exciting to finally see him in action. Interestingly Payet originally comes from the island of Reunion, the French Dom-Tom off the coast of Africa, which is where the possible MH370 wreckage has been found today. James Tomkins is suspended and Diafra Sakho will miss the third game of his suspension. We've clearly got to guard against teams winding us up in the Europa League as we've already had two players red-carded for off-the-ball incidents. Meanwhile it's a big night for Mauro Zarate. He's had a good run of games and clearly has self-belief, even a touch of arrogance; after falling out with various gaffers last season can he finally prove he's as good as he thinks he is.

Olympic Stadium preview at the athletics

A pal of mine went to the athletics at the Olympic Stadium at the weekend and said the atmosphere was good and noisy. Though someone else who went said their bit of the roof leaked! Strange as the two geezers in the white van who installed it said it would be strictly showerproof… Hopefully any such glitches will be eradicated by the time we move in. There's also an encouraging piece on the WHU website by Sean Whetstone who writes for the West Ham Till I Die blog, and he is very excited by the stadium atmosphere having sampled the athletics. We've got our category B appointments at the Reservation Centre next week so let's see how that goes… but exciting to be finally getting a seat.

Dicks in charge

Intriguing to hear the interview with Julian Dicks on the West Ham website. As West Ham's new coach (a case of Dicks out on the training pitch?) he sounds pretty reasonable and talks about what a good bunch of lads he has — though it would be interesting to hear how he might react should any of his players insist on drinking Coca-Cola before a game and refuse to warm-up, as Julian famously did. Still, it worked for Dicksy, who is a more thoughtful character than many people realise. You also wonder what influence he might have over the career of Andy Carroll. When Dicks spoke at the Stop! Hammer Time podcast end-of-season do he was clear that he wasn't a fan of Big Sam's style and Carroll didn't score enough goals. So when he's fit he'll clearly be on to AC to improve his goals to games ratio.

What is West Ham's best side?

With seven new arrivals I'm still trying to decide what will be West Ham's first-choice side. My guess would be: Adrian; Jenkinson, Ogbonna, Reid, Cresswell; Payet, Noble, Kouyate, Obiang; Sakho, Valencia. This would leave a reserve XI of Randolph; O'Brien, Tomkins, Collins, Hendrie; Jarvis, Nolan, Lanzini, Amalfitano; Zarate, Carroll. And there are also squad players such as Poyet, Maiga, Burke and Henry and youngsters Lee, Oxford, Page, Cullen and Samuelson.

So it's looking pretty healthy competition-wise. Another option would be to play three centre backs from Tomkins, Reid, Collins and Ogbonna. We could also play five in midfield and a fit and firing Andy Carroll could well replace Valencia up front in my first-choice side.

If anything we have almost too many players and it might well be that if good offers come in for the likes of Nolan, Maiga, Jarvis or Amalfitano we take the money and put it towards another striker. Interesting times at Upton Park and some tough selection decisions for Slaven Bilic.

Poyet penalty saves Hammers

Birkirkara 1 West Ham 0 (After extra time, West Ham win 5-3 on pens) 

(Europa League Qualifier)

A hardy contingent of Matt, Lisa and Fraser are watching the game in the Jetlag Sports Bar in Fitzrovia. Being a part-timer, I'm taking my daughter on a pre-booked showing of The Cult of Bacchae at the British Museum. Matt suggests that that geezer Euripides was probably a fan of the flat Bacchae four. The play involves a lot of semi-clothed women drunkenly cavorting as they worship the cult of Bacchus and Dionysus — so not too dissimilar to the Central at chucking out time.

We start the game with a somewhat bizarre formation, with only the tiny Zarate up front. Just as KIng Pentheus of Thebes is getting into a ruck with Dionysus, Matt's text arrives informing me that the game in Malta is starting to resemble a Greek Tragedy. Birkirkara have scored after 14 minutes as Tomkins and Collins are outpaced and Miccoli nips ahead of O'Brien for a poacher's goal. Then Tomkins has been sent off for a shove on Vukanac. That's two red cards in four Europa League games now, a tendency that has to be stopped with our squad already stretched.

After watching King Pentheus get torn apart by the Bacchae, there's more news on the bus home of West Ham getting torn apart in Malta. The game's gone into extra time and Matt Jarvis has had our only shot on target, though the numbers have been evened up as Mazzetti has been sent off. Late on Maiga has goal disallowed for a tight but correct offside flag.

So it's down to penalties. Noble, Zarate, Cresswell, O'Brien and Poyet score for the Hammers while one of the home side's penalties is ballooned over the bar. Credit to Diego Poyet for his coolness at the end. Phew. Lisa suggests that we have found a new Lucky Pub. At least the Jetlag Sports Bar has never seen us lose a penalty shoot-out. 

Big Sam would surely have been vilified for a result like this, while Bilic will not be, as yet. But at this stage of the season I'm not too concerned about an undoubtedly poor performance in the 30C heat. We're still playing what are essentially pre-season games and the important thing is we got through in the end and had a 120-minute workout. Lest we get distracted by Europe, the most important game is still the away trip to Arsenal on August 8. Now it's FC Astra at the Boleyn — and surely time to put out a full-strength side for this one.

Lanzini on loan

Once we had Diamanti and now we have The Jewel. West Ham have signed Argentine Manuel 'The Jewel' Lanzini on a season-long loan from UAE side Al Jazira. At 22 he looks an exciting prospect, having made his name at River Plate in Argentina as a creative number ten. Will he be the Jewel in our crown or more some replica sparklers from Romford Market? We shall see. That's our seventh signing of the summer and also marks good progress towards the assembly of a side named after 1970s classic comedies. We already have a young player called Pike, to which we can now add Manuel…