Transfer window verdict in the Observer

My verdict on the transfer window is in the Observer today. Guess the key words are "on paper"… Click on the link to read. It got quoted on the West Ham website too…
On paper it seems like a good window. Apart from Diame, who never quite matched his potential, we’ve shifted out underachieving squad players, lowered the age of the team and finally got enough strikers in. Loaning Alex Song from Barcelona is quite a coup, while if Amalfitano can match his goal for WBA at Old Trafford it could be exciting. Zarate shows promise as a link player; £12 million striker Enner Valencia is unproven in the PL but has an international track record. Kouyate looks strong in midfield and Cresswell has settled in well at left-back. The big question is can Allardyce knit them into a team?

The Doctor goes up West Ham

Did you know that West Ham is the only football club ever mentioned in new Doctor Who? You can find this fact in my new e-book Whovian Dad: Doctor Who, Fandom, Fatherhood and Whovian Family Values. In Planet of the Ood there’s an incredible moment when David Tennant's Doctor asks Donna Noble (clearly related to Mark) where she learned to whistle like that and she answers, “up West Ham!” 

The only other footie mention that I've been able to find in Who is when Charlton get a namecheck in the 1988 Sylvester McCoy story Silver Nemesis. Ace is reading the Daily Mirror and says, "Charlton picked up three points." 

There are other Who and Hammers links. While in The Lodger  Matt Smith's Doctor lodges with Craig (played by real life West Ham fan James Corden) in Colchester and turns out for Craig’s pub side the Kings Arms. The Sunday League boys assume 'the Doctor' is just another laddish nickname. He soon earns respect on the pitch though, as he bamboozles The Rising Sun and scores eight goals in a dramatic 8-0 win. Which clearly indicates he could do a job up front for the Hammers. And while we're on cult mentions of the Irons, West Ham are also the only team mentioned in Harry Potter — Dean Thomas has a West Ham shoulder bag and scarf. If only we could use some of that regenerative energy on the pitch…

Are we missing the captaincy of Kevin Nolan?

After the win at Palace I thought the shoulder injury to Kevin Nolan, unfortunate as it was, might inadvertently help West Ham. We knew Allardyce wouldn't ever drop his talisman, but now it would give the more mobile Zarate a run in the position linking the main striker with midfield. After the dire performance against Southampton I'm not so sure.

The one thing we lacked in the second half against the Saints was leadership. Nolan might look like he's not worth his place if he isn't scoring, but the one thing everyone at the club says is that he is a good captain. You see him high-fiving players who make blocks and had he been on the pitch he might have been able to organise the players a bit, order more closing down, change some positions and rollick those who were underperforming. We needed more leadership from Mark Noble and Winston Reid on the day. We can all accept a home defeat, but not a capitulation where West Ham don't even threaten to make a comeback.

Kate Bush's Hammer Horror

My fellow season ticket holder Nigel went to see Kate Bush in Hammersmith last night and has been wondering if she is a closet Hammers supporter. After all she did write Hammer Horror, presumably after a dire home defeat, and Them Heavy People is surely a tribute to Benni McCarthy. Her album The Kick Inside is perhaps a tribute to the subtle passing of Trevor Brooking, while her "rolling the ball" lyric indicates she likes keepers to play it short. Babooshka was presumably one of Harry Redknapp's Foreign Legion. And on Saturday West Ham certainly looked like they were Running Up That Hill.

Good Morgan

West Ham managed to capture Morgan Amalfitano from Marseille late last night, who should improve WHU going forward and is a versatile right-sided player. He scored four goals for West Brom while on loan last season including some spectacular long-range efforts. We've certainly changed the team around this window, bringing in Valencia, Zarate, Sakho, Kouyate, Song, Poyet, Amalfitano, Jenkinson and Cresswell. These are surely upgrades on Matt Taylor, Joe Cole, Collison, Diame, Diarra and Maiga. Credit to the board for putting up the cash - now there's no excuse not to improve.

MoMo on the go go

Mohamed Diame is on his way to Hull City, the clubs having agreed a £3.5 million fee. So much for all those quotes that came out from Diame saying he wanted a big six club. It was always likely he'd leave WHU once we had Kouyate and Song. We'll always remember his superb performance and goal against Chelsea, but last season he went backwards (while frequently being played out of position). Sadly in the last year he's rarely looked like becoming the player he could have been. A decent PL performer, but it was probably time for a change for both Mo and West Ham.

Schneiderlin's Saints shatter slumbering Hammers

West Ham 1 Southampton 3

There’s plenty of kids-for-a quid activity in Ken’s café. I’m with my daughter Nell awaiting isotonic egg, chips and beans while DC is taking his son Finn to his first game and is also taking his missus Clare on another hot date, having previously taken her to Ken’s Cafe for a Valentine’s Day fixture. Our team is completed by Michael the Renaissance Man (and Whovian), Nigel, Fraser and Matt.

On the pitch the club announce a new signing — Alex Song has joined on a season-long loan from Barcelona. Not sure if he can cope with such a step up… presumably this could mean that Diame is departing. “We’ve only got one Song!” sings the crowd.

Worryingly, Southampton start off well, and don’t look much different to the neat-passing team of last season despite selling five top players. Tadic looks to have skill and Schneiderlin, Ward-Prowse and co knock it about nicely.

Cresswell has to clear the ball off the line, but West Ham improve a little and Zarate starts to win a few free kicks. We take the lead when Mark Noble scores with a long-range deflected shot after Zarate’s lay-off.

The ball fizzes across goal as Vaz Te fails to connect. But then we appear to settle for 1-0 at the break and invite more Saints’ pressure. Right on half-time Southampton win a free kick , O’Brien blocks and Schneiderlin shoots home the rebound.

A rare moment of half-time optimism

At half-time the consensus is that West Ham didn’t really deserve to be ahead.

CAN WE HAVE OUR BALL BACK PLEASE?

The second half is dire. West Ham never get going and as one twitter user says, it seems like Southampton have three more players than us. We don’t close down their back four, don’t compete in midfield

Morrison comes on (“Is he the one in jail?” asks Nell) and at least looks confortable on the ball, though his fellow sub Diame seems to misjudge all his lay-offs. It’s too late though, and Southampton carry on passing WHU to death.

Schneiderlin puts the Saints ahead on 68 minutes after we fail to mark properly from a short corner that shouldn't have been given (Ramirez clearly heads it over). Then Pelle (who looks good for a bloke who starred in the 1970 World Cup) settles the game firing home after Adrian saves on 83 minutes.

What’s most worrying is the lack of leadership. No-one seems able to win a few tackles, get stuck in and fire up both crowd and team. Kouyate doesn’t look anything like the player he was at Palace last week and Valencia only gets 11 minutes.

IF THE KIDS AREN'T UNITED

“West Ham can’t lose!” says Nell.

“I’m afraid they can. Don’t worry, it will be good for our character,” I suggest.

Let’s hope DC’s son hasn’t emerged an avid Southampton fan.

We’re cheered up slightly by a visit to the Who Shop and then Peter Capaldi’s performance on Doctor Who later that evening. Am I supporting a good team? I don’t know anymore.

The only good thing is we have two weeks to regroup, get Valencia and Song fit and integrate the new players. Hopefully this was a one-off and the new signings will learn from it. But if we fail on the basics such as work-rate and passing then a struggle lies ahead.

TEAM RATINGS: Adrian 6; O'Brien 5, Tomkins 5, Reid 5, Creswell 6; Downing 5, Kouyate 5, Noble 6, Zarate 6 (Morrison 5), Vaz Te 4 (Diame 4), Cole 4 (Valencia 5).