West Ham 1 Swansea City 0
Inside the (Clyde) Best Cafe, Nigel and Matt are discussing
the anniversary of the 1992 general election and Slaven saying that Andy Carroll is "feeling his groin", are arf. While Lisa has opted
for a falafel wrap (surely not as good as Ken’s cheesy chips wrap?) and CQ, on
a romantic lunch date with Nigel, announces herself well pleased with her eggs
on toast. Steve the Cornish postman arrives from the night train to collect his
ticket, before leaving to meet Joe’s fiancé from Memphis, Tennessee, in a moment
of rare Chuck Berry credibility.
The walk to the stadium seems less dystopian in the bright
sunlight. Alison and Scott join us, but Michael The Whovian is away at a Q & A session with Maggie Smith. He says she reckons 39 points will do it. Among a
shirt-sleeved crowd it doesn’t exactly feel like a relegation six-pointer as
Alison wonders who was the idiot who booked seats facing into the sun.
KOUYATE KID
It’s a tense, scrappy game, but West Ham at least snap into
tackles. Early on Antonio stands up a decent cross and Snodgrass’s header is
saved on the line by Fabianski The Hammers go close again when Noble finds
Ayew, who swivels to shoot and is unlucky to see the Swansea keeper parry his
effort wide. Then Antonio’s hamstring goes chasing a poor Randolph kick and
Bilic replaces him with Calleri, which is strange with Sakho and Carroll on the
bench.
“Slow it down!” cries an ironical Mystic Matt, only to
inspire the Irons’ breakthrough. Noble finds Snodgrass who lays the ball off to
Kouyate. He’s a long way out but Cheikhou fires an unstoppable effort into the
bottom corner, before racing into the fans. He’s booked for his celebration,
though as our seats are so far from the pitch he should surely be commended for
his Usain Bolt-like dash.
SUPER SLAV
West Ham have several chances to settle it in the second
half. Ayew crosses for Byram to ripple the side netting and Lanzini dives in
the box to earn a booking. Calleri’s cross falls to Ayew and Fabianski has to
make another fine save, though Andre could have kept it lower. Snodgrass looks
irate at being subbed, but his replacement Feghouli’s first touch ends with a
cross that almost creates a goal
It takes until 61 minutes for the gentleman behind us to
shout “Get up you tart!” as Jack Cork goes down. Turns out he can’t get up and
subs Montero and Llorente inspire a mini-Swansea revival. James Collins has to
make one great clearance off the line. Matt suggests that the super-bearded
Collins is looking more and more like a fiery Victorian preacher threatening
damnation on the souls of all those fornicators who support Millwall.
Narsingh has a decent shot tipped over by Randolph and you
sense Swansea might snatch something. But the Hammers threaten on the break as
Lanzini bamboozles Hernandez and crosses for Calleri to volley wide when he
should score.
PLAY IT AGAIN SAM
"Super Slaven Bilic!" goes ground the stadium. The tension is summed up right at the death as Sigurdsson
gets free only for Sam Byram to come across and make a fine tackle. Sam’s had a
steadier game today and is hugged by Randolph, Noble, Collins and Kouyate as if they’re celebrating a goal. Smells like
team spirit.
Finally the whistle goes and Slaven crouches with his fists
clenched in the manner of Bruce Forsyth on The Generation Game. It’s off to the giant bell to meet
Swansea fan Huw, who is remaining philosophical as he announces that the London
Stadium is the 105th ground he’s seen Swansea lose at. Now that’s a stat. It’s
on to Tank at Hackney Wick, where despite a pitcher of pale ale Fraser remains unimpressed by
hipsterville.
A big result for the Hammers. We’ll take an ugly win and a
clean sheet. Another three points and we should finally be completely safe.
PLAYER RATINGS:
Randolph 6; Byram 6, Collins 7, Fonte 6, Masuaku 6; Snodgrass 6 (Feghouli 6),
Noble 6, Kouyate 7, Lanzini 6, Ayew 6 (Fernandes 5); Antonio 5 (Calleri 4).
