Always believe in Carlton Cole (eventually)

Meet the new striker - same as the old striker! West Ham have finally signed Carlton Cole on a three-month deal having beaten off stiff competition from, erm, West Ham, while Carlton got fit. It certainly increases our options up front and is good news for everyone except Modibo Maiga. We now prefer either no strikers or a player who's been out of contract to our £4 million signing.

When Harry met Billy

Some interesting comments about his fall out with Billy Bonds in the serialisation of Harry Redknapp's new book Managing: My Autobiography in the Daily Mail. Harry says of joining Bonzo at West Ham: "He was a fantastic fella. But in the Premier League world of modern football, he was increasingly a man out of time… West Ham had been relegated, bottom of Division One with a stupidly low points tally. They were a shambles. Bill was upset that I said it publicly, but the club was too easy-going." 

Clearly much of the friction resulted from Redknapp, despite being number two, being the manager of the side in all but name. His hands were all over the transfer deals and great player and decent man that Bonds was, you do feel West Ham would have struggled had he remained in sole charge. The board realised this when Bournemouth approached Redknapp to become manager, and panicked, offering to move Bonds upstairs and make Redknapp manager. 

Redknapp writes revealingly: "Billy clearly feels I overstepped the mark as his assistant. He says I gave interviews before matches on Sky discussing tactics but that is certainly not my recollection of it. Yes, I was direct in my approach at times but it was Billy who asked for my help. Once I had accepted that invitation I wasn’t in the business of being relegated. I was at West Ham to have a proper go. I still do not understand why Bill would take that personally. It was as if he wanted me to do a job, and then when I did that job and it got noticed, he didn’t like it."

Ironically the combination that might have worked well would have been Redknapp as manager and Bonds as assistant. Meanwhile it's fair to assume Christmas cards will not be exchanged. 

Ravel time

Every paper seems to have an article on Ravel Morrison today. The Daily Telegraph has a nice story from Lee Clark, who at Birmingham told Ravel he could be the best player since Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne. Morrison looked dumbfounded as he had no idea who Gazza was. Since he left Manchester at least most of his problems appear to have been about timekeeping rather than police-related, and after his spell at Birmingham, Ravel appears to have properly matured. Now Big Sam, Nolan and the rest have to keep him grounded - and away from Essex nightclubs. But if he maintains this level of progress we'll soon be fending off offers from all over Europe. It's important we keep Ravel and have genuine hope moving into the Olympic Stadium in 2016.

Lasagne is a dish best served cold

Tottenham Hotspur 0 
West Ham 3 (three!)

Manage to catch the game in an East London boozer that serves good beer. It's a nice day for a pint with Lisa and Matt even if we are sure to lose 4-0 with Defoe getting a hat-trick. And we're playing with no strikers. Still, we start well, making headway down the flanks with Downing delivering a dangerous cross that Nolan heads wide, Reid just fails to connect with another header, and we're playing in neat triangles with our six midfielders and quick to the ball. We can hear Twist and Shout from the away fans. Tottenham's defence is dumbfounded by the ghost striker Spanish-style formation of  tactical genius Grande Samuel Allardicio. The best chance of the half comes after a clever chipped free kick from Noble that Nolan volleys just wide, while Red just fails to connect with a corner. We're happy with 0-0 at half-time.

Spurs step it up at the start of the second half, with Jussi saving a one-on-one with Defoe. But he always seems to score against us. Could it be our day? The excellent Tomkins, sporting Mr Rocheser-style sideburns, produces a fine save from Lloris after a Hammers corner. "You know West Ham could win this," suggests the commentary team. Surely not?

WHO PUT THE BALL IN THE TOTTENHAM NET?
Morrison, Noble and Diame are dictating play in midfield and we're keeping the ball on the ground. On 66 minutes we win a corner. Winston Reid connects, the ball rebounds off Nolan and back to Winston and bang, it's in the net! YEEEEEEEES! An away goal. Extraordinary. Who put the ball in the Tottenham net? Winston Winston Reid! We glance at the clock. Oh no, 24 minutes left.

Surely we'll defend deep and bugger it up as normal. Only Noble slips a ball thrpough a ball to Vaz Te who outpaces Walker on the left and shoots straight at Lloris. The ball rebounds straight back on to Vaz's knee and into the net! YAAAAAY!!!  Less the Hand of God and more the Knee of Vaz. "Now I'm really worried," says Matt. We text Michael the Whovian in delight to inform him his favourite player has scored. Meanwhile Nigel is dancing in the lanes of the New Forest where his mum lives.

TOTTENHAM UN-RAVEL
Two-nil and we effed it up? Remember the Cup Final? This can't be happening. Or can it? on 79 Diame spins brilliantly to release Morrison in his own half. He advances with deceptive pace into the Spurs half, skips round the lumbering Dawson and then the static Vertonghen and chips the ball over Lloris. The ball trickles over the line as Ravel turns away to nonchantly celebrate. OHMYGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOD!!! EAT LASAGNE SPURS! THREE GOALS IN 13 MINUTES! "He made that look like a training ground goal," muses a gobsmacked Matt. "But he should have followed it up before celebrating." We're seeing something special here.

THREE-NIL TO THE COCKNEY BOYS!
It's all Bubbles now. You wait all season for one away goal and then three turn up at White Hart Lane. The Spurs fans think there's a fire drill and the West Ham section goes effing mental. Lord Sugar! Sir Gary Lineker! Ricardo Villa! Christian Gross! AVB! Small Paul Ince! Chas and Dave! Can you hear me Chas and Dave? We're giving your boys one hell of a beating!

Joe Cole comes on and we nearly score a fourth. We haven't won at White Hart Lane since 1643. The whistle blows. Allardicio, still looking like Gene Hunt with his tie undone, smiles and clenches his fists. "Will Andy Carroll get his place back?" I muse. Matt and Lisa contemplate buying matching West Ham onesies. We go effing mental too and order more bottles of light ale. It's time to text all those Tottenham fans and offer lasagne for dinner. Clearly a dish best served cold.

Will we ever score away?

Interesting stat from the BBC preview of today's game: "Every one of the other 159 teams in the top seven divisions in England scored more away goals than West Ham last season." The only time we scored twice away last season was at QPR. We're now in the bottom three and heading to White Hart Lane where we hardly ever win, and Jermain Defoe is certain to score. All of which makes me feel that, football being football, Modibo Maiga will get a hat-trick and we'll beat them, to quote Micharl Palin, "8 bloody 1!". Nurse, the screens.

Onesie-nil

Anyone fancy a Hammers onesie? Now in stock at the Hammers Store. Not sure what Gok Wan would make of this, but think I'll stick to my retro 1970s away shirt. Stiill, might be useful for keeping Andy Carroll in one piece.

Collison out, Danny Dyer in?

Jack Collison has gone on loan to Bournemouth and may play at Leeds tonight. Regular football should do him good. Jack looked like becoming a great player in the Zola years, but sadly his knee injury now means we have to manage his appearances. Meanwhile Danny Dyer is the new landlord at the Queen Vic in EastEnders. Another missed opportunity for Big Sam? He could surely do a job up front for West Ham, being youngish, fit, a geezer and, of course, well hard.