Kitchen capers

It's not that we're injury prone — but Big Sam Allardyce has injured himself in a fight with his kitchen, reports the Sun. At Anfield Big Sam was sporting four stitches on his brow and a black eye after apparently falling out with a marble worktop. "I'd say the worktop won hands down," quipped Allardyce. Perhaps he was trying to lob something in the mixer with only four minutes left on his oven timer? And let's hope he claimed for a penalty. Kitchens can be dangerous places for footballers. In the 1980s Wimbledon's Dave Beasant famously injured himself by dropping a bottle of salad cream on his foot… Rangers' Kirk Broadfoot was scalded by exploding poached eggs that he was microwaving, Sunderland's Kevin Kyle scalded his testicles heating up hot water for his baby's milk and Barnsley's Darren Bernard managed to injure himself slipping on his new puppy's pool of wee on the kitchen floor.

Anfield silenced

Liverpool 0 West Ham 0

"Gary O'Neil was simply phenomenal… this West Ham defence has been immense…" It's not often you hear that from the Radio London commentary team. Sounds like we had some towering performances from O'Neil, Tomkins and Collins while Jarvis had a fine second half. Plus a Collison header cleared off the line. A very unexpected point and this could be the point that secures our Premier League future.

Looking at MOTD2 we could have won it. Diame made a brilliant run beating five players only to shoot over the bar, while we should have had a penalty for Enrique's kick on Tomkins and Carlton Cole could have scored if he'd had a better first touch after a clear sight of goal. On the other hand, they had a goal correctly disallowed, Gerrard had a decent shout for a penalty and we were lucky when Suarez rolled the ball right across our line and past the post. Good to see James Collins get some praise from Alan Hansen too. Not often we get anything at Anfield. Irons!

Outsider to win?

Well, if Auroras Encore can win the Grand National at 66-1 then surely West Ham can beat Liverpool at Anfield for the first time in 50 years. Though to be honest, I won't be rushing out to the bookies just yet... not unless Liverpool have 11 unseated riders.

Sam's Labour of love

Now this really is a controversial political statement from a Premier League boss. In yesterday's Evening Standard Sam Allardyce writes, "I'm a Labour man and one of my good friends in Alastair Campbell. If your beliefs are at all controversial it's best to keep them to yourself because they are always likely to haunt you, particularly in the politically correct world we live in today." Presumably Sam would like to see more dodgy dossiers on opponents, lots of centre-left attacks, Balls get in the (dispatch) box as quickly as possible and Ed Miliband play a bit more in the style of Andy Carroll.

Gary looks like a player

There's been a lot of praise, and rightly so, for Andy Carroll since the WBA win, but the biggest revelation was the performance of Gary O'Neil. He had a decent game against Spurs, played well shielding the defence against Stoke and had his best game for the club against West Brom. I thought Noble being out would be a real loss, but O'Neil looks much more comfortable in a central midfield role. Seems like we've been playing him in the wrong position out wide. He did the simple things well against Albion, but also produced a great turn in one move and a fine dipping shot for his goal. His contract runs out in the summer and he's playing like he wants a new deal. He might be 30 in May, but O'Neil has plenty of experience at Portsmouth and Middlesbrough, doesn't complain when he's on the bench and on this form deserves a contract.

They've got Di Canio…

So Paolo Di Canio has made his usual low-key start to life at Sunderland. There's a lengthy interview with Di Canio in my 2002 book West Ham Irons in the Soul, still available on Kindle, where he discusses his eccentric, if not all stations to Barking, political views. He's very insistent that he's not a racist and claims that gay people, women, yellow and black people are all welcome round at his gaff. PDC denies being a fascist or "fan of Mussolini", though he does claim that Mussolini was "a true nationalist" and claims that the media misinterpreted his views as a "polemic". Not sure if Neil Ruddock, John Moncur and co would ever have used the word 'polemic' in their dressing room banter… Di Canio also reflects on travelling on the London Underground to Chigwell and controversially claims that he hasn't tried the cuisine in Ken's Cafe. Oh and the book also has his thoughts on piranah fish...  

Carroll's double crushes Albion

West Ham 3 West Bromwich Albion 1

There’s a huge pent-up demand for Ken’s Café’s inimitable cuisine after five weeks without a home game and the queue stretches outside into Green Street. It takes forever to order a cup of tea. Matt's found a table with the Tamworth Hammer and has been preparing for the stadium move propelling West Ham into the European elite by taking a mini-break to Madrid, while Nigel is Proudly telling us that he’s been to Borehamwood versus Hornchuch. He’s watching Joe Bonamassa at the Albert Hall later and hasn’t looked this happy since he last played Tattoo by Rory Gallagher.

Michael the Whovian remarks that after he met Doctor Who legends William Russell (Chesterton, dear boy) and Wendy Padbury (Zoe), West Ham won both games. Sadly he’s not been out to lunch with Jenna-Louise Coleman pre-match today, but hopes the return of Doctor Who to the screens later will prove a good omen. And there’s even a rare sighting of DC. We leave Michael still forlornly waiting for his fry-up as kick-off approaches.

Albion have the better of the early exchanges. Jussi almost spills a Dorrans shot and a goal is correctly disallowed after Ollson charges the keeper over the line. Jaaskelainen then makes a brilliant save from Lukaku’s deflected freekick, tipping the ball onto the post before it bounces back into his arms. Michael the Whovian arrives ten minutes into the game saying he doesn’t want to talk about his hastily-quaffed chips .

ANDY YOU'RE A STAR

“We’re going to lose this,” announces Mystic Morris, “They’ve had a goal disallowed and hit the post already.”

So we immediately score. O’Neil takes a decent corner and Andy Carroll arrives with the velocity of a runaway Pendolino 360 Newcastle Express to beat Ollson and thump home an emphatic header. He runs to the corner, arms outstretched, celebrating the sort of goal he once scored regularly for Newcastle.

Vaz Te finds Diame who sends a piledriver just over the bar and Jarvis sends a header into the ground from a good position.

Noble is still out, but from the kick-of Gary O’Neil has performed really well as his replacement. The underrated midfielder finds Vaz Te in his own half. Vaz makes ground into the Albion area. “Vaz Te’s gonna mess it up again,” announces Mystic Morris. Instead he finds O’Neil who chips home a lovely dropping shot. Bizarrely O’Neil is playing like Johan Cruyff and looks much better in a central role. We wonder if Noble will get his place back.

“I’ll be happy for a dull second half, “ suggests Matt at half-time, which means we’ll have two goals, West Ham down to ten men and a comedy sending off.

Albion dominate the first ten minutes with Jones being stopped by Jussi and Lukaku turning O’Neil and firing a rocket just over the bar. But we come back into it through some storming breaks by Diame and good overlaps by Joey O’Brien. Vaz Te messes up several moves prompting Nigel to mutter, “Keith Vaz would be better!”

GOAL OF THE SEASON?

The crucial third goal arrives after 80 minutes when Collins takes a free kick and Andy Carroll instinctively volleys home as the ball drops over his shoulder. There’s a stunned silence before the ground realises it’s gone in. A great goal and Carroll is bullying the Albion defence and looking back to full sharpness. Let's hope we can sign him up.

There’s the inevitable wobble towards the end when Taylor and Reid manage to possibly push Lukaku and Dorrans scores the penalty. “Don’t look up where we are in the league table yet!” we plead with Nigel. There’s still time for the Vicar’s Son to swear a lot at Matt Taylor for bottling out of a challenge, but our anxiety is relived by a comedy sending off. Albion’s Mulumbu feels he should have got a free kick after a midfield tussle and so picks the ball up and kicks it at Gary O’Neil. A straight red card and a laughable dismissal.

An encouraging day. We’re on 36 points, almost safe, and Andy Carroll has given a timely nudge to the West Ham owners and Roy Hodgson.