Fifty seven thousand Muppets

Arsenal 2 West Ham 0

Saturday begins with a bizarre story in the Guardian that Gianfranco Zola has joined Bob Geldof, Bono and George Clooney in being awarded this year's Man of Peace – an award given by former Nobel Peace Prize winners to someone who has made "an outstanding contribution to international social justice and peace".

Zola does some quiet work for Unicef, but even so, it seems a little unlikely. Perhaps it’s due to his efforts mediating between David Sullivan and the team after that 25 per cent pay-cut furore.

As it’s a 5.30 kick-off there’s time for a cockney knees-up round at my gaff, disturbingly close to the Emirates, with Matt, Nigel and Fraser. Today we’re a West Ham safe house in N4. We hope that Fraser’s pint of Tangle Foot isn’t indicative of our performance and give a big cheer when Pompey get a late winner against Hull. Burnley have lost too and again the results have gone for us.

Inside the Emirates there’s some healthy chants of “My name is Ludek Miklosko!” and “60,000 Muppets!” although as Matt points out it should strictly speaking be “57,000 Muppets”. This week the Guardian mentioned our “Does your butler know you’re here?” chant at Fulham fans. Perhaps it should be “Does your PA know you’re here?” for the Gooners. They’re such a bunch of touchy-feely part-time aromatherapists that the DJ only announces the first names of the Gunners' line-up.

We’ve rotated again. Zola has left Cole out, which is perhaps understandable as he’s apparently using rest and careful management on his knee rather than having an operation. But we’ve rested Parker too, who if he’s booked is suspended for two games. A dangerous game to play, prioritising the Wolves match. West Ham are notoriously erratic and just as likely to get a result here and lose to Wolves. And it sends out the signal to the rest of the side that we’ve already accepted defeat. Plus I've paid £48 for this and a £1.50 booking fee.

After five minutes we’re a goal down. Spector is beaten and Upson heads it clear, but after we fail to win tackles on the edge of box Denilson passes the ball into the net.

”The first goal was scored by Denil!” announces the irritating git on the Arsenal PA.
It looks like we’re in for a thrashing. Arshavin is superb, Song dominates the midfield and they pass through us at times. But slowly the Irons come back into it.

Spector starts to play quite well against Arshavin, Tomkins is doing well and Daprela looks solid too in only his second league game. Diamanti puts a dipping free kick just over the bar, Mido just misses Stanislas’s low cross and Diamanti elects to pass to Franco when he could have shot.

Right on half-time Franco outpaces Vermaelen and goes to ground. He’s received a slight nudge although it’s a soft-ish penalty. Even better Vermaelen is sent off and Wenger starts to go mad. And we know Diamanti won’t miss – except he does. Almunia is about eight miles of his line and pulls off a good stop. Sod it.

At half-time Matt’s cheered by a text from Lisa saying that it looked like Wenger was haranguing the Arsenal mascot, the Gunnersaurus, who was standing next to the fourth official. And we always play better against ten men, apart from the endless games when we haven’t.

In the second half we give it a go and make Song, now at centre-back, look the best player on the pitch. Cole replaces Franco after 57 minutes and it’s a full 70 minutes before McCarthy replaces Mido, who at times threatened to break into a walking pace. Noble comes on in place of Kovac while Wenger takes off Bendtner. It’s a clever move as Arsenal have no forward, and we still face the same number of men in midfield.

The closest we come is when Carlton turns when the edge of the box to send a low shot against the foot of the post. At times the Arsenal fans almost create an atmosphere and after 83 minutes they’re waving their red and white scarves and singing “We are top of the league” as the ref awards a penalty. The ball’s hit Upson on the hand, a little unluckily, from about two yards, and Fabregas strokes it past Green.

Still, there's a bonus as we leave the Emirates. We find Ian Bishop and Trevor Morley sitting among us, in their wet-look leather jackets looking tanned and rather like 1980s rock stars. It's tempting to give Morley a tap on the ankle and see if he falls down in the box, but we resist. Nigel rushes up to shake The Bish's hand and promises never to wash it again.

In the end it’s another game we should have got something from, and Parker might have made the difference. The only consolation is that we now face Wolves with Parker, Cole, Faubert, Noble, Ilunga and McCarthy all fit.

Life after debt

Whatever the merits of the individual departures, at least the new owners appear to be taking control of the financial mayhem and acting decisively.

In the last month Davenport has gone, along with Scott Duxbury, Gianluca Nani and Ludek Miklosko, while Luis Jiminez was returned to Milan.

According to the Guardian the lads are a little upset that Sullivan is withholding image rights payments until the tax situation is sorted out with the Inland Revenue, which seems fair enough from the club's viewpoint.

And Kevin Mitchell is going to box at Upton Park which will at least bring in a bit of extra revenue from Peggy Mitchell on the bar, Frank Butcher running the car park and Phil Mitchell taking on Grant in the bare-knuckle fighting. While you're about it Dave, could we have Mickey Rourke as Randy The Ram verses Julian The Terminator Dicks on a WWF-style bill too please?

Farewell Head on a Stick

So farewell Head on a Stick. Calum Davenport has had his contract terminated by mutual consent. After his stabbing in an incident with his sister’s boyfriend that was probably the best option for all parties.

But it’s a shame that Davenport never achieved what he should in the game. He looked a really good player when he joined us on loan from Spurs in the Championship.

Perhaps he left Coventry too soon. At Spurs he was loaned to Southampton, West Ham and Norwich, before signing permanently for the Irons. After some poor performances in the early days of Curbs he was injured then loaned to Watford where he broke his neck. He started off last season quite well and scored in the 4-1 win over Blackburn. But Zola clearly didn’t rate him, and even though he played in the 4-1 win at Portsmouth he was dropped again, fell out with Franco, and loaned to Sunderland.

Was it too much too soon? Clearly Zola was not impressed. Whatever the outcome of the court case where he’s charged with assaulting his sister, an early morning fracas in which he was stabbed might suggest off the field problems.

Davenport really needed to find a club where he played every week to develop as a player. Instead he’s had more loans than RBS and now, at 27, looks set to move down the leagues.

I don't want to go to Chelsea

Chelsea 4 West Ham 1



Matt’s text sums it up: “Great Scotty goal. But selection and tactics suspect and yet another nightmare for Spector — absolutely murdered by Malouda.”

At 1-1 the tension is too much so I leave Sky Sports News and retreat to the garden to feed the chickens and watch our terrier Vulcan run around yapping like John Terry in the WAG mating season. But the life of the urban farmer offers little solace. When I go back it’s 2-1 to Chelsea and there’s no hope.

The Match of the Day evidence proves Matt right. Poor Specs gives Malouda far too much space. He tries, but it’a an indictment of all at the club that we have no quality right back after Neill left.

Zola's selection is strange too. Why rest Carlton Cole? OK, he’s not fully fit yet, but surely we could have given him 60 minutes before subbing him? Presumably Zola had given up on the game before we’d kicked off and was saving him for the Wolves and Stoke games. Mido does well early on to cross for Ilan to miss an open goal. It’s definitely not like watching Brazil.

In midfield Kieron Dyer makes his first star since the opening of the season, but it’s a big ask against the Blues. It’s also odd to bring in Gabbidon after a long lay-off for such a testing game, even though Tomkins had a torrid time against Bolton.

Diamanti is out because he’s not a tracker-back, but then where’s the creativity in our side? The selection of Daprela is enforced by injury to Ilunga and Faubert and he makes a couple of tasty blocks on the tele. But our defence is nowhere for the headers by Alex and Drogba and Gabbidon slips before Malouda eludes two tackles to stroke the ball home.

It’s all too easy for Chelsea in the end. Let’s hope we pick a team to go out and win at the Emirates. Having watched The Wonders of the Solar System the next evening, Brian Cox (ex D:Ream pop star who still looks young enough to do a job for us in midfield) might observe that our rotation system is more Pluto (a dwarf planet) than Saturn.

Home truths

West Ham 1 Bolton 2

In Ken’s Café we find a face from the past, Mike P, definitely not the inspiration for Porky’s seminal Part-Time Percy cartoons in Fortune’s Always Hiding.

These days Mike’s living in deepest Hertfordshire. He’s with his two kids and is one of the “million” West Ham fans David Sullivan is inviting to rejoin us in the programme. He’s too embarrassed to say when he last saw a game but he does say that he’s looking forward to seeing West Hampstead play again. And he’s reassured that like the clock at Grantchester, Ken’s Café never changes (Big Joe arriving breathless, DC arriving after kick-off, Carol bawling out numbers, Don looking downcast after home defeats, Etc).

Nigel arrives with CQ (Mrs Nigel) and The Gav, fortified by last night’s Heavy Metal Britannnia documentary. While in the queue for the counter Phill Jupitus reveals that he’s been busy working on Good Morning Nantwich, his new book about breakfast show DJs, out in August. Let's all buy it and keep him in toasted cheese sarnies.

It’s all very jolly until we remember that we always lose to Bolton.
Sure enough, we’re two goals down after 16 minutes. Lee has acres of space on the right and crosses. It looks as if Tomkins should head it, but he gets under the ball and Kevin Davies bullets the ball home with his bonce. Diamanti goes close with a free kick but then Tomkins tried to shepherd the ball out for a goal kick, only Davies nicks in and crosses for Cohen to set up the impressive on-loan Gooner Jack Wilshere to volley home. Bolton only have a few hundred fans in the away section and even they can't believe it.

Bolton are really coming at us and passing impressively. It’s nearly three when Elmander first misses from an angle and then wildly firing over after another tantalizing cross — an absolute sitter.

We look flat all over the park. Spector and Tomkins are being exposed and Franco is muscled off the ball. Diamanti does produce a good save from another free kick and Carlton looks certain to score only to be robbed by a well-timed tackle from Ricketts.

Nigel wonders if this will be Zola’s last game for the club. The owners won’t be impressed, particularly if we lose at Chelsea and Arsenal. In the second half we bring on three subs, Dyer for the injured Faubert after 47 minutes, with Behrami going to right-back, Mido for Franco and Stanislas for Kovac. Dyer shows one or two glimpses of speed and the player he could have been if injury hadn’t intervened.

The referee helpfully sends off Bolton's Cohen for a second yellow card but as ever we still struggle against ten men.

My kids have wisely opted to see Mamma Mia the Musical instead of this.

“The winner takes it all…” I mutter, “ and West Ham are sending out an SOS.”

“This could be our Waterloo,” suggests Nigel.

Just as we’ve settled for numbing defeat, on 88 minutes Diamanti curls in a beauty from the edge of the box. Oh no, we have hope.

On 90 minutes I have to break the habit of a lifetime and leave early as I’m reading for the Newham Bookshop in support of Book Aid at Stratford Circus at 5.20. I feel like Part-Time Percy myself, jogging to the tube, and there’s still a big queue when I get there.

In the five minutes of added time Zat Knight crosses for Davies to hit the bar for Notlob (the palindrome of Bolton as John Cleese would tell you) and at the death Junior Stanislas chests down and volleys against the underside of the bar. A big "Oooh!' comes from the stadium as I gaze at the brick wall while kettled by Upton Park tube.

A win today would have left us looking safe; instead we’re two points behind Bolton facing Chelsea and Arsenal away. Now our fate may not be decided until the last Sunday of the season. Mamma Mia, here we go again.

Wheeling and dealing

Well, Gianluca Nani has finally gone, a little unluckily in that, Savio apart, he's picked up some decent free transfers, plus Diamanti, Ilunga and Behrami. What's probably done for him is a reluctance to deal in English players. So the old director-of-football system has gone and really it looks doubtful if Sullivan and Gold trust Zola (unproven in the market) to buy players. The signings of Mido and McCarthy seem to have come directly from the Club Landlords.

An interesting article in the Daily Telegraph today claims that Sullivan has vetoed a five-year contract for Behrami and wants to cash in on Valon and Diamanti, putting him at odds with Zola. He's also refused a new contract for Collison it claims.

In Sullivan's defence, five-year contracts proved disastrous in the cases of Ashton, Dyer and Ljungberg and we are £100 million in debt. And Behrami has three years left on his current contract.

The Telegraph has a number of "sources" at Upton Park claiming that Zola is unhappy, and sad to say, it will be no surprise to me if he's gone at the end of the season and Mark Hughes installed.

The horror, the horror

Our horror accounts are out and we recorded a loss of £16 million in 2009-10. They also lay bare many disasters. The Mail highlighted “£12 million on two men for 15 games” (that was Davenport and Quashie) while the Independent’s “horror accounts” highlighted the £34 million that Dyer and Ljungberg cost us over the length of their contracts.
What’s striking is how it could all have been avoided. We’ve wasted:

£34 on Ljungberg and Dyer

£12 million on Quashie and Davenport

£5.8 on giving Dean Ashton a five-year contract when he was crocked

£21 million to Sheffield United for Tevez-gate

£5 million fine for Tevezgate.

£10 million (by my estimate) on transfer fee and wages for Luis Boa Morte (no-one seems to have spotted this).

£2.5 million for sacking Curbs

£1.5 million (my estimate) to pay off Pards.

That's more than £100 million! And all this when we had the brilliant Tony Carr producing a never-ending stream of fine young players on low wages such as Noble, Ferdinand, Stanislas, Collison, Tomkins, etc. Even free transfer Nobby Solano achieved much more than Dyer and Ljungberg. A fine example of how not to run a football club.