Who needs Payet when we've got Andy Carroll?

West Ham 3 Crystal Palace 0

Plenty of colour before the kick-off. Nigel reports choruses of “F**k off Payet!” in the shouty tunnel near the Carpenters Arms, while he’s discovered a plaque marking the meridian line near the Builders Arms. Michael’s been to Upton Park to see the rubble of the East Stand and had lunch in Ken’s Café after picking up his signed Clyde Best book from the Newham Bookshop. Steve the Cornish postman is here to deliver a missive to Mr Payet, along with Scott and Joe, while Alison is rumoured to be in Maldon on strike wondering if the East Stand can match her ambition of a game without any glare from the sun (it can’t).

It's not a great first half. Feghouli releases Noble who gets in a cross that Andy Carroll volleys over the bar when he might have hit the target. At the other end Tomkins prods a dead ball across our goal-line, prompting a chant of “James Tomkins he’s one of our own!” But the positive signs are that Lanzini looks up to make the playmaker role his own and the side is working hard. Big Sam will be satisfied with a goalless first half.

At the interval I suggest that if Carroll scores Big Sam will be hoist by his own petard. “It would take a very strong petard to hoist Allardyce,” quips Nigel.

Bilic takes off Ogbonna and brings on Byram, reverting to a back four and pushing Antonio further forward. Young Byram has a fine game, getting forward well and also making some solid tackles.

PALACE KICKED IN THE FEGHOULIS 

Suddenly West Ham look fired up. Carroll fires wide almost from the kick-off. Feghouli starts to play really well, getting in a great cross that Tomkins heads away under pressure from Carroll. Feghouli then beats two players and wins a free kick. From the dead ball Big Andy fires into the side netting. A great ball from Obiang finds the overlapping Byram who sends a half volley just past the post. “Come on you Irons!” chant the fans as we start to find some belief.

After 68 minutes Noble finds Antonio who gets behind the Palace defence to send in an inviting cross and Feghouli has the desire to prod the ball over the line. The Algerian winger then kisses the turf — unlike his goal against Domzale where he kissed the plastic by mistake. Great moment for Feghouli, who is looking a different player when he’s confident.

“I never doubted you for a moment, Sofiane…” declares Mystic Matt. 

DER DER DER DER DER DER, ANDY CARROLL! 

Will Big Sam’s men come back and sneak a point? Andy Carroll makes some great defensive headers and Collins and Reid are solid. Then on 79 minutes Lanzini finds Antonio who crosses into the box. Andy Carroll winds himself up like a medieval siege engine, connects perfectly with the ball and propels an unstoppable projectile into the top corner.

The ground erupts as Andy slides towards the corner flag, nearly taking the East Stand with him. Now that gives the stadium a bit of history. “Dad, how did he score with a backward kick?” asks a disbelieving Nell. Who needs Payet?

Suddenly our ‘soulless corporate dome’ is rocking to “SUPER SUPER SLAV, SUPER SLAVEN BILIC!” All the rubbish we’ve suffered this season seems to disappear, as finally, thanks to a certain Gallic prima donna, the club appears united once more. For the first time the London Stadium is starting to feel like a home. And Slaven must be moved by the support. He's a decent man who has supported Payet all the way and has not deserved the events of the past week.

WE'VE GOT OUR WEST HAM BACK 

West Ham stop another Palace foray and suddenly Antonio is running from his own half. He finds Lanzini who races towards the goal pursued by two defenders. With supreme nonchalance he produces a Payet-esque dink over the keeper and runs into the arms of the fans to celebrate, earning a booking, but who cares?

The team’s performance suggests that Dimitri had become a big pain in the dressing room. Antonio has set the tone by playing through flu and making all three goals.

For once there’s a happy hubbub on the way to Hackney Wick. After putting my daughter Nell on the train, I take the Overground back to Stratford, escaping the Stop/Go signs and making it to the King Edward, where Nigel, Michael, Matt and Fraser and joined by Gavin, who’s been to the club shop, getting a track suit for Stanley and quite possibly buying up all the Feghouli shirts he can find. All the Payet shirts have been removed. Strange days indeed. We might have lost a player and found a team.

PLAYER RATINGS: Randolph 6; Antonio 8 (Fletcher n/a), Ogbonna 6 (Byram 7), Collins 6, Reid 7, Cresswell 6; Feghouli 8, Lanzini 8 (Fernandes n/a), Noble 6, Obiang 7; Carroll 8.  

Set piece woe as Hammers fail to storm Palace

Brian Williams at the Newham Bookshop

West Ham United 1 Crystal Palace 3

There’s a big gathering round the World Cup winners statue on Barking Road as Stephanie Moore welcomes Jonjo Heurrman who has riden 800 miles in aid of the Bobby Moore Fund. Meanwhile Brian Williams signs my copy of Nearly Reach The Sky at the Newham Bookshop, and it's nice to know he remembers my 1980s Midweek article’s quote of “Don’t worry Cottee, Snow White and other six will be coming soon!” from the Chicken Run.

Inside Ken’s Cafe sit Matt and Michael, who has just seen 90-year-old William Russell (Ian Chesterton) from Doctor Who at a Whovian event in Barking. Mike’s wearing a suit and is off to his old school reunion after the match. Pretty much his perfect day if there wasn’t a West Ham match in between. DC arrives dispensing Rosie Lea with his wee man Fin. It’s Fin’s second match, his first having been the home defeat to Southampton. Let’s hope it’s not another catastrophic 3-1 home defeat then.

West Ham have a decent start with Cresswell shooting over. But then the play becomes curiously lethargic, as the side that played so well at Spurs doesn’t look as up for it as Palace. Murray gets in on goal and has an effort well-saved by Adrian. West Ham are unlucky when Noble hits the bar with a great free kick, but apart that we don’t have an effort on target in the first half. Kouyate and Song, so dominant against Spurs, just don’t get to grips with the midfield and Downing looks diffident all game.

In the 38^th minute there’s a minute’s applause for Dylan Tomibides and his new charity. So much applause appears to bamboozle the West Ham defence as Murray is allowed a one-on-one versus Adrian, which the keeper again does well to save. We’ve been warned. But on 41 minutes Palace win a free kick and Murray’s header goes in as Jenkinson slices his attempted clearance into the net.

The anticipated rollicking hasn’t worked after the break. In minute 51 Dann rises up above Reid to head home a simple corner. Minute 63 sees Murray glance home Puncheon's free kick. This is the first time an Allardyce side in the Premier League has ever conceded three goals from set pieces. Michael suggests that William Russell might be better at defending set pieces than our back four.

Finally we start too play a bit at 3-0 down. Nene has come on for Song and the Brazilian curls a fine effort against the outside of a post. Valencia scores with an effort from the edge of the box that Speroni might have done better with. Murray is sent off for a second yellow after fouling Reid.

“Oh no, we’ll really struggle against ten men,” I suggest.

We have chances. Valencia produces a beautiful shot that Speroni does well to tip over. Nene over-elaborates at times but looks to have skill, gets on the ball and makes a difference. Sakho has a penalty claim. Jenkinson hesitates when he should shoot first time and Downing prods wide. But it’s all too late and there's a worrying lack of spirit until the final quarter of the game. 

We can’t even pull it back for Leonard Nimoy, who would have found supporting West Ham most illogical, as Scott Dann and co prove an impenetrable final frontier as we grope for the undiscovered country of their net. It’s not been the voyage home we wanted today.

“Super Alan Pardew!” echoes from the away end and we’re tempted to join them.

“Be just like us to lose to Palace and then beat Chelsea,” I muse hopefully.

“Well, you got one part of it right,” suggests Fraser.

At least Allardyce says the right things afterwards, stating that he is “shocked” and we failed to get the basics right. One win in ten. We can’t let our season fizzle out like this. A big, big performance is needed against Chelsea.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 6; Jenkinson 5, Reid 5, Tomkins 5, Cresswell 5; Song 5 (Nene 6), Kouyate 5, Noble 6, Downing 5; Sakho 5, Valencia 6.

Armero and a leg costs Hammers

West Ham 0 Crystal Palace 1

Ken’s Café is deserted in the sun as most fans opt for the pub. It’s down to Matt and Michael the Whovian with Nigel and Fraser appearing at the ground. My egg, chips and beans is to prove better than the game.

The best part of the game is the minute’s applause for Dylan Tombides after his brother and dad place his shirt on the centre circle. The applause in the 38^th minute is another powerful moment.

Demel is sick so McCartney has to play at right back. The game begins with a curious end of season feel to it, which is unprofessional on West Ham’s part, as we could yet go down. Nigel suggests the game will be settled by one goal. Though Mystic Morris’ calculator also predicts we will stay up on 38 points.

Palace get eight defenders behind the ball whenever we attack, are well organised and difficult to break down. Bolasie looks dangerous against the out-of-position McCartney and Palace look the likelier side to score. Carroll clears off the line and Dann has a header deflected over the bar.

West Ham have a much better spell before time and start to play with more urgency. Diame has a fine shot tipped over. Carroll and Nolan combine to set in Diame who shoots at Speroni’s legs. Seconds later Downing gets in a good cross and Carroll’s header is saved one-handed by Speroni.

Downing and Jarvis switch wings and after a decent cress from Downing (who fluffs as many as he gets right) Carroll has a shot blocked when he might have connected better.

LOCKED OUT OF PALACE PARTY

Then it all goes wrong in the 59^th minute as Jerome wins a penalty after a rash lunge by Armero. Jedinak converts and the Palace fans'  sing “There’s only one Tony Pulis!”

  

The West Ham players lose confidence and have no Plan B beyond aiming for Carroll. Our need for a creative number ten looks ever more pressing. The Vicar’s Son next to me gets crosser and Fraser wants to sack Allardyce right now. Big Sam subs Jarvis, who has been doing better than Downing, and the move is greeted by chants of “You don’t know what you’re doing!” 

Sub Joe Cole drags a shot wide and the game peters out and ends with Palace’s fifth successive win. Though Diame has a good final ten minutes. Poor match and not good enough from West Ham.

At least I miss the Central’s non-existent craft beer range to go and see Bomber’s Moon at the Park Theatre starring the great James Bolam and Michael Moon out of EastEnders, which is more entertaining than the game.

The death of Dylan Tombides puts football in perspective, but even so, West Ham could easily lose their last six games. No room for complacency at all at West Brom.

TEAM RATINGS: Adrian 5, McCartney 4, Tomkins 5, Reid 5, Armero 4; Jarvis 5, Diame 6, Nolan 5, Noble 5, Downing 5, Carroll 5.

Drawing drawing West Ham

West Ham 0 Crystal Palace 0

“It all seems too promising, the sun’s shining, we’re all expecting a thrashing,” opines Matt with the eye of a seasoned West Ham watcher.

In Ken’s Café there’s time for a quick cup of tea and KitKat with Big Phill, Big Joe, Matt, Michael and Iain Dale, fresh from his Sullivan exclusive making the red-tops and the Guardian, before rushing for the 12.45 kick off. Though Michael does have time to lean across the counter and give Carol a kiss.

In the stadium Palace fire a shot wide in the first minute when they should have scored and it’s clear we’re out of sorts. Palace could be 3-0 up at half-time.

ENGLAND'S ENGLAND'S NUMBER TWO!

Super Robert Green makes two good saves from long range strikes by Martin and then from Jedinak and surpasses himself with a great tip over of Zaha’s deflected shot. We try to get down to the usual ten men. Tomkins gets a knock on the head goes off briefly and returns looking groggy.

Matt normally doesn’t swear until the 70^th minute but he’s seen too much after half an hour here. “How can we not take a f***ing throw-in? Jesus! Vaz Te can’t control it! Take him off! Collison!! What’s Reid doing? He’s worse than Faubert!”

We know the real cause. Nigel has deserted his chums to take up a position in an executive box with one of his non-brawling MP mates. We remember him when he was just a poor kid in the East End of Brentwood. And he’s probably predicted a cricket score over white wine and canapés.

On the left Vaz Te looks like one of those flair players who are either brilliant or terrible, but nothing in between. Reid has a nightmare and gets everything wrong for the first 45 minutes, McCartney is being outpaced by Zaha, Tomkins isn’t mobile enough for midfield at home, Faubert is isolated out wide while Maynard has no service. Only Faye saves us with some great last-ditch challenges.

BALDOCK'S CUNNING PLAN

We improve a little in the second half as Cole replaces Faubert. Later O’Neil replaces the foundering Vaz Te and Baldock, on for Maynard, almost scores with his first shot, a low shot saved by Speroni’s legs. Cole scuffs another good chance wide. Our best chance comes from a great Cole layoff that Baldock strikes low again only to bring out another fine save from the Palace keeper.

McCartney plays Zaha quite well in the second half but Palace still look dangerous on the break and we agree that we should take the point as we’ve played so poorly. We might even be missing the captain’s influence of Nolan, dare it be said.

Despite some late corners and muffed crosses we never really look like scoring though it’s good the crowd stay with the Hammers even as we pump hopeful balls towards Cole. Collison can't pass it straight after a good first ten minutes. The Palace fans are more concerned with chanting about Millwall than us. Maybe these early kick-offs are just bad for our bio-rhythms. Might Ravel Morrison provide the creativity Noble and Tomkins lack in midfield? 

TIRED OF LIFE AT THE TOP

The whole side looks terribly jaded after Blackpool and afterwards Allardyce tries to put it down to tiredness, though as someone points out Birmingham have already played 43 games and aren’t tired at all. Yet we're so tired it's unbelievable. 

“The unbeaten run continues,” says Fraser as the whistle blows.

Best part of the day is a trip to the Newham Bookshop to buy Jeremy Nicholas’s Mr Moon Has Left the Stadium and then a trip to the Black Lion, where there’s Captain Bob from the cask in the back bar. And there's Phil Whelans the man quoted on the back of Jeremy's book.

Nigel and CQ arrive at the Black Lion, possibly by helicopter, and say the massage and grape-feeding are top notch in the corporate sections.

“At least we got in the box…” sighs Nigel. 

“Which is more than West Ham did,” comes my retort, as we prepare for the inevitable Southampton win at Watford and second place.